Not getting caught
So, Ger an' I were goin' @ it on the sofa bed, when suddenly we heard this "GRAAAAAKKKKKK" sound, and Ger was like, "What was that?" And I sed, "I dunno... Sounds like the garage door opening!" Then of course, I realized--and I jumped offa the bed, yanking @ Ger's t-shirt an' saying, "My parents R home!" Ger looked @ his watch, all, "But it's only 11 o'clock!" And I was all, "Get yr coat on! Hurry! U gotta GO!!!" We got up the stairz from the rec room, and I kinda shoved him towards the back door, while going, "Back door! Back door!--I'll call U a cab!" And Ger protested, "I don't have NE $!" But there was no time 2 deal w/that, I hadta get him OUT! Then, like a second after I got Ger @ the door, Mom an' Dad appeared, all "Hi, Honey! We thot we'd find U in bed!" And I was like, "I was!" And then I thot, "...But I'm not... and U didn't."
Boy, was that close! Now U mite B wondering if sumthing went v. v. wrong an' the 'rents figured out what Ger an' I were up 2. Stayed tuned!
Apes
Boy, was that close! Now U mite B wondering if sumthing went v. v. wrong an' the 'rents figured out what Ger an' I were up 2. Stayed tuned!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:03 AM
26 Comments:
At 7:32 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
U still havent said if I shld beat up Ger. Let me no soon. I rilly want 2 beat up sum d00d.
Its rilly cube that u have yr 'rents fooled in2 thinking u go 2 bed @ 11 pm in yr clothes on Sat nites. How did u do that, Id like 2 fool mine 2.
Its not so cube 2 call a cab from the house. Way 2 ez 2 get cot when yr 'rents hear the cab in the driveway. 4 future reference, its bettah 2 walk a block away & call from a cell.
L8r. Going 2 skool erly 2 c if sum d00d will diss me so I can fite him.
MCDunC
p.s. I hope u didnt call Magic Cab, thats Snitches Uncle Arnes new taxi service. Charles Wallace has been delivering flyers 4 it.
At 9:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You may have thought you had gotten away with something at this point in your story, but let me assure from my experiences with mom, you were not even close. Mom’s nose, although bulbous and highly unattractive, is a powerful force. She has such a keen sense of smell, she would have detected wine on your breath and coming from the wreck room the moment she entered the house. Any other way she told you she came to the conclusion you had been with your boyfriend which is not derived from the smell is just her way of playing with you.
You may remember back when the Lizardbreath was young; she had a party in the house, which she was not supposed to do, and she went through great efforts to have the house cleaned before mom and dad came back from whatever it was they were doing. Mom found a single popcorn kernel on the floor and immediately leapt to the conclusion Liz had had the forbidden party. This logic, or course, was completely ridiculous, since making and eating popcorn are one of the primary things we Pattersons do when we watch television. Well, mom spends most of her time playing with her facial hair, but aside from her, we have popcorn. The truth of the matter was that mom walked in the house, and literally smelled the scent of testosterone from the teenaged boys at the party in the air, which we know dad doesn’t leave behind. After that she was just playing with Liz, in order to make some point about proper vacuuming. Oftentimes, the steps mom goes through to make a point about something are more interesting than the actual point.
I look forward to your Blog entry tomorrow, because mom has refused to tell me what method she used, for fear I will include it in my weekly column Edgewise, which this week is focusing on the idea that if you call someone evil long enough, they will eventually turn evil. Ever the optimist, mom believes people are inherently good, except for the evil ones.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:57 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i gotta say, the idea of gerald wanting 2 go round the bases w/u so bad, he tells u the garage door sound can’t b ur ‘rents cuz it is only 11 pm, soundz just like him. the story gerald haz been tellin’ @skool ‘bout goin’ all the way roadside & how many tymez the 2 of u did it, & how u spent mosta ur tyme screamin’ “no1 iz az gud az gerald” didn’t sound true. but the part which is the hardest to believe is u sayin’ ur gonna call gerald a cab. cab? money for a cab? i don’t like sayin’ mcdunce iz rite ‘bout nething, but it woulda been bettah 2 walk a block away & call from a cell. gerald shud just call his older bro on his cell 2 pick him up & take b-ing punched in the stomach as the price 4 the ride. or he cud call whoever it iz that dropped him off in the 1st place. evn gerald is not so st00pid he didn’t have planned a way 2 get home, eh?
also, do u rilly go 2 bed b4 11 on a saturday night? it sounded like ur ‘rents think u do, but thass prolly a rilly good way 2 go 2 bed if u plan 2 sneak out l8er.
i avoided mcdunce this morning @skool, just in case he was carryin’ that killer cat of his. sum1 told me he spent his tyme standin’ outside the skool, yellin’ insults @the grade 9 boys. that guy iz whacked.
At 10:06 AM,
howard said…
April,
Calling a cab for someone who is not supposed to be at your house is the kind of thing you would do if an older gentlemen of some quality needs to escape without detection. Back in the days when I was the diva at the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, I had many fans who were of that type, but they did not want to be seen calling for a taxi on a cell phone while waiting outside my apartment. I find it very interesting that in an emergency, a cab is the first thing you think of. Is there something you haven’t been telling us? Don’t worry, about my judging you. I have been with many men who are older than I am. They can be quite nice, and buy you very sweet gifts. Sometimes boys your own age can be quite dull as I am sure you are well aware by this point.
Howard Bunt
At 1:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo peeps,
I've been writing more songs about my night of illicit love with Apes.
Boy, Interrupted
by Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
(c) Psychosexual Records 2007
Gettin' down
On the sofa bed
Goin' to town
Gonna get some head
It was the time
I knew it
Her bod would be mine
But her 'rents came home and blew it!
Now I'm just a
Boy interrupted!
Sittin' on the back porch
Alone an' disgusted!
Roundin' third base
Slidin' into home
When the look on my baby's face
Said her parents were home!
Now I got to hurry
To get out the back door in time
My baby was so filled with worry
Didn't notice when I kicked over the wine
Now I'm just a
Boy interrupted!
Sittin' on the back porch
Alone an' disgusted!
Baby, I don't understand
Why we have to hide
Don't be shy, give me your hand
Tonight Li'l Ger won't be denied!
But oh no, she threw me out!
It's true, she's frigid!
Without a doubt
Patterson girls are so rigid
Now I'm just a
Boy interrupted!
Sittin' on the back porch
Alone an' disgusted!
Out in the dark and cold
Waitin' for a cab
Gonna be bold
Take my own needs in hand!
Cause yeah, a man has needs!
And a man just cannot heed
When he's got a gut full of wine
And red hot lovin' is on his mind!
So don't blame me baby
it's all on you
You told me maybe
Now I'm doin' what I gotta do
Oh yeah, a little self-love
Just what this situation needs
'Til near the back door her mom hove
An' I shot my li'l Geralds in the weeds
I'm just a
Boy interrupted!
Sittin' on the back porch
Alone an' disgusted!
Used and abused
by my woman
What else is new?
That's datin' a Patterson for you...
At 1:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
if what ger is saying around skool is true, u technically broke ur pinky-swear w/ me! how could u?
becks
p.s.--btw, that "boy interrupted" song makes it sound like he got off when he saw ur mom thru the back door. that is mega-disturbing.
At 2:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, u'd better hold off on beating up ger until i get more of my memory back, eh?
as 4 the questions ppl have abt y my mom an' dad xxpected me 2 b asleep when they got home @ 11. i think it's mostly cuz they go 2 bed way early. like they r almost always asleep a coupla b4 i turn in 4 the nite. and they haven't been paying much attention 2 stuff like what i wear 2 sleep in. i think it's one of thoze thingz where, just cuz they go 2 sleep @ a certain time, they just kinda assume i must go 2 sleep @ around the same time? i dunno.
mike, u r prolly rite that i didn't get away w/nething. but i can't remember now. i xxpect 2 remember sum more 2morrow morning.
jeremy, ger sed that stuff? wow, i mite hafta get dunc 2 beat him up after all. but w8, dunc--not unless i say so!
howard, no sugar daddy. @ least i don't think so. u know i have those memory probs.
ger, omg, how can u say stuff like that abt me?!? that's no way 2 get newhere w/me when i turn 16 on sunday.
becks, i did NOT break our pinky swear. and ger was totally NOT gonna slide in2 home, lemme tell u!
apes
At 2:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo Apes babe,
You pinky swore you'd do me when you turned 16! I stole a special bottle of Dom Perignon 1981 to spray all over your body to celebrate!
Totally bummed, G-Dog
At 2:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Also, Ape-babe, I don't think you understand. A man has to represent. What I say in my song might not be the literal truth of the night. It's the literary truth, a truth that the music-buying public will connect with. Everyone in Canada understands what it's like to get down with a ho, and what it's like to get cock-blocked by a Patterson girl. It's what my public wants to hear, yo!
G-Dog
At 3:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm not a ho an' u didn't get "cock-blocked." geez, what did u think i was gonna do, do u while my parents came downstairs 2 check on me? did yr brother start hitting u on the head l8ly?
apes
At 3:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
and no, i didn't pinky swear 2 do u when i turn 16. just not 2 do ne1 b4 i turn 16. that's not the same thing. and plus i'm not 16 yet.
apes
At 3:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ape-babe, it seems that you are the one with the head trauma, yo! We were there, gettin' busy on your bed, and then suddenly, DENIED ACCESS! What do you call that?! It sure ain't sweet, sweet lovin'. More like a trick you learned from your frigid older sis, who made Patterson women famous for their icy ways all over the country.
You better watch it, love-muffin, or I'll dump you and start drinking my dad's Chateau Latour with some other hottie.
G-Dog
At 3:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, r u really TRYING 2 make yr chances worse?
apes
At 4:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Baby, just remember what happens when a Patterson girl breaks up with her childhood sweetheart. She wanders in the wilderness, dating nothing but bastards for years and years, nevah finding her tru luv. Just ask your sis if it's true or not.
You should be beggin' me to say with you, girl. I'm your only chance.
G-Dog
At 6:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
ooh, way 2 sweep a girl offa her feet, ger. u rn't acting like u care abt me even a little. u r just acting like i owe u my virginity an' stuff.
btw, what xxactly did u imagine wda happened if we hadn't stopped and my 'rents wda walked in on us?
apes
At 7:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Per your request, I will address the issue of what consitutes a childhood sweetheart for the Patterson / Richards.
Article I: In the Richards / Patterson Accord of 1979, childhood sweetheart means any person who has not reached the age of majority, who has committed acts with the intent to romance, in whole or in part, an unmarried Patterson or Richards, who has not reached the age of majority, as such:
(a) Dating the unmarried Patterson or Richards;
(b) Causing the unmarried Patterson or Richards to serious consider the person as a marriage partner;
(c) Deliberately inflicting on the unmarried Patterson or Richards conditions of life calculated to bring about romantic feeling in the unmarried Patterson or Richards in whole or in part;
(d) Imposing measures on the unmarried Patterson or Richards intended to prevent other persons from having romantic feelings about the unmarried Patterson or Richards;
(e) Forcibly transferring romantic feelings from another person to an unmarried Patterson or Richards.
Article II: The following acts shall be the results of being a childhood sweetheart:
(a) Conspiracy to romance, direct and public incitement of romance through loud shouting, indirect attempts to commit romance, and direct romancing the unmarried Patterson or Richards;
(b) Direct killing and actions causing the death of a marriage to someone who is not an unmarried Patterson or Richards;
(c) Causing serious bodily or mental harm including inflicting trauma with a frying pan for any romantic partners other than with the unmarried Patterson or Richards;
(d) The deliberate deprivation of resources needed for physical survival, such as clean water, food, clothing, shelter, medical services, or common sense needed to sustain life outside of the traditional family home can be imposed in order to bring the unmarried Patterson or Richards to marriage with the childhood sweetheart;
(e) Long-term separation of the unmarried Patterson or Richards from men and women intended to prevent procreation of the unmarried Patterson or Richards with anyone other than the childhood sweetheart.
The Articles protect four groups - national, ethnical, racial or religious group. Members of these groups preventing an unmarried Patterson or Richards from association with their childhood sweetheart, are subject to reduced public humiliation and a patronizing comment.
A national group means a set of individuals whose identity is defined by a common country of nationality or national origin. People from Québec do not count.
An ethnical group is a set of individuals whose identity is defined by common cultural traditions, heritage, or humorous ways of saying things.
A racial group means a set of individuals whose identity is defined by physical characteristics and the operation of businesses normally associated with the racial group.
A religious group is a set of individuals whose identity is defined by common religious creeds, beliefs, doctrines, practices, rituals, so long as they are Anglican, Jewish, or First Nations Great Spirit worshippers.
Little sis, based on this definition, in addition to your boy friend Gerald Forsythe-Delaney, Duncan Anderson and Jeremy Jones are qualified to be your childhood sweetheart. Also, anyone else you care to date before you reach the age of 18.
Let me know if this is not the information you wanted to show your boyfriend.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, that is so sick an' twisted. did our generation do sumthing that made sum1 really, really mad @ us?
btw, i m writing this fr dunc's house. his mom invited me over 4 dinner and now dunc is trying 2 convince me 2 let him beat up ger.
apes
At 7:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, if ur ovah @duncan's house make sure ur not alone w/his cat. it's deadly & it has rilly bad breath, evn 4 a cat.
At 7:44 PM,
howard said…
Gerald,
Chateau Latour! You bastard!
Howard Bunt
At 7:51 PM,
howard said…
Gerald,
Dom Perignon 1981 to spray all over April's body
You ba... No wait! That was not a particularly good year for Dom Perignon. Spray away!!
Howard Bunt
At 8:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Word Gerald, that Carlo Negri Merlot was teh bomb! We gotta prank-call ethnic restaurants more often.
At 8:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It’s sad to see you react so badly to the Patterson / Richards accord of 1979 with respect to its rules about childhood sweethearts. As I have pointed out to you several times before, you should not make the same mistake Elizabeth did and limit yourself to one boyfriend. There is no use fighting it, but you can increase the number of your options.
For example, when I was your age, if you had asked me who I was going to marry, I would have said Rhetta Blum. But mom always said, I would never regret having had the relationship with Deanna or with Martha McRae, in case Rhetta turned out to be a two-timing, trashy, tramp. Of course mom was right and she should know from her own experience with dad.
I barely even remembered Deanna when I photographed her automobile accident years ago, but when I found out who she was, it was like a lightning bolt had struck me, except without the death and burning flesh part. But mom was not surprised when she put out her wily finger and said, “I told you so.” A childhood sweetheart had suddenly come back into my life and Rhetta was just like mom described her. Everything fell into place quite naturally after that.
Your boyfriend has dated you; so as Patterson woman he will always love you and want to marry you. You’ve seen the effect Elizabeth had on Anthony Caine, so you know I am telling the truth. If you don’t like the way your boyfriend is treating you, then date others and similarly entrance them. Keep your options open.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
okay, mike, here's sumthing that confuses me. when u re-met dee and started d8ing her, u had both reached that "age of majority" thing. and b4 that, when u were little, u had a crush on her an' all, but u alwayz considered martha mcrae yr 1st luv.
and, hypothetically speaking, what if i got a dna test an' found out that dad wasn't really my dad? i mean, think abt it. no1 n this fam has the same colouring i do. and mom was getting out a lot 4 classes an' lectures an' stuff like that the year i was conceived. so, if dad weren't my dad (hypothetically speaking), wd i b xxempt from all these "patterson" rulez?
apes
At 8:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Nice try, but it's Patterson / Richards rules. You are covered by them.
As for your other questions, mom has told me when I was little I said something about wanting to marry Deanna, so she would qualify under the condition:
(a) Causing the unmarried Patterson or Richards to serious consider the person as a marriage partner;
However you are correct, I had completely forgotten about Deanna and considered Martha my first love.
As for your thoughts that dad might not be your dad, the Lizardbreath and I have also come to the same thoughts before. When you get right down to it, the only person in our family who looks like dad is mom, but fortunately she did not always look that way. In fact, Anthony Caine looks more like my dad than I do, which always makes me suspicious when dad goes on one of his tangents praising Anthony Caine. Even at my Congratupalooza, all he said was, “You have wonderful friends, Mike.” The only thing I can tell you for sure, little sis, is you definitely came from mom. I was there for that one.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, hang on, mike. suppose there'd been this one time, back in kindergarten, when dunc was all, "aypo, we should get married when we're all growed up. we cd live in a big house with lotsa turtles and cats. but no goats!" and i thot that sounded like a good idea.
and suppose there was this time, say in middle school, when i was really pissed off @ mom an' dad. and jeremy heard me complaining 2 becky. and came up 2 me l8r and sed, "u know what wd really get 2 yr 'rents? if u an' i got married sumday!" and @ that moment, i thot that sounded like a good idea.
wd these things keep my options open?
apes
At 2:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Yes those kinds of things are excellent examples of how you could keep your options open. As you know Jeremy Jones has a reputation of being a school bully, and traditionally we Pattersons rehabilitate them and not marry them. Imagine me married to Officer Brad Luggsworth. That would be funny. As Elizabeth can tell you, officers of the law are unscrupulous and will cheat on you, so it’s just as well I didn’t marry Officer Luggsworth.
I would presume you would rehabilitate Jeremy Jones first before you married him, if that was your intent. As for Duncan Anderson, he has been mom’s choice for you for quite some time, as you are probably well aware, particularly when you consider that of your male friends you met him first, like Deanna was for me.
You could ask mom, but I wouldn’t be surprised if marriage and Duncan have come up in the same sentence before. With Jeremy Jones, I have my doubts, since he has not yet been converted…Hold on. I’ll check. OK. I’m back. Here it is:
April's Letter, April 2005
People are so weird. I just can't figure them out half the time. Like Therese and her baby shower, or Jeremy Jones being a jerk. He still gets on my case. Mom says he "likes" me. Say what? Just thinking about him gives me the creeps.
It sounds like Jeremy’s qualification for childhood sweetheart would fall under this clause:
(c) Deliberately inflicting on the unmarried Patterson or Richards conditions of life calculated to bring about romantic feeling in the unmarried Patterson or Richards in whole or in part;
It looks like you have 3 choices, but if you want more; you have 2 years in which you can take action.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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