April's Real Blog

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Thanking the goodness

What I'm abt 2 tell U only tells U a tiny chunk of what happed next on the nite of Saturday, March 17, after Mom an' Dad returned from the "Whoo-hoo, Mike" party in TO and almost caught me an' Ger lookin' kinda beast-with-two-backs-ish (not that we were gonna do the deed, but it looked bad). What I'm abt 2 tell U can't even qualify as advancing the PLOT, and I'm getting frustr8ed with my memory, cuz really this is all I can remember @ the mo.

I'd gotten Ger out the back door, U'll remember. As she was hanging up her coat, Mom was all, "How were the little ones? Did they go 2 bed OK?" And I responded, "Uh-huh. They were fine." Then she was, like, "Did U have a nice evening?" I leaned against the wall, crossed my arms, and sed, "I just watched TV." Mom got in2 interview mode, all "What did U watch? A movie?" I sed, "Nah. Just stuff." Mom actually pressed on w/"Reality show?" Me: Not really. Then, she was all, "So, nothing 2 talk abt." And I was like, "Nope." Then I was thinking "Thank goodness," as I kinda ran down the stairs 2 the rec room, remembering I had evidence 2 destroy. And I had a bad feeling Mom was looking on w/suspicion.

Mike, Liz sez that when I turn 16 on Sunday, I can xxpect 2 get a "surge" of Patterson allure. Suppose Ger and I went on a "break," and I went on a bunch of d8's (just d8's!) with an assortment of guyz (from school and mayB one or two from the music shop). And suppose those guys fell in luv w/me and did sum of the stuff on the list 2 make me want 2 marry them. Wd this open them all as options? And if so, mayB I shd also d8 sum Manitoba guys this summer, in case I end up there. Oh, I just realized. That guy Steve I befriended @ the farm, summer B4 last? He mite also qualify as a childhood sweatheart! NEway, thanx 4 trying 2 help me w/this, Mike.


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  • At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. It sounds from mom’s sudden interest in the types of programs you were watching on television, she is not being very subtle in her somewhat deliberate handling of you before she informs you that her mighty nose has already feretted out your activities with Gerald just after she got there. After all, if you think about it carefully, it is probably the first time you have ever had a conversation about that topic with mom. I would say you would tell us by tomorrow the outcome of this story, but sometimes your story-telling speed leaves a little to be desired, even by me.

    As for the Lizardbreath informing you that you can expect a “surge” of Patterson allure when you turn 16, I would not expect there to be any truth in that, least of all truth from the Lizardbreath herself. For one thing, Elizabeth seems to be completely unaware of the effect she has on men which allows them to ignore her fetid and lizardly breath. I seriously doubt, she would have been aware of it back when she was 16, and playing those “torture Anthony Caine” games she played during those years. You can take a look at pictures of her during those days, and she was not suddenly more attractive. In fact, at 15, you are already prettier than Liz was when she was 16, except on those days when you look like you’re 10 years old, eh?

    As for you and Gerald going on a “break”, is that a nice way of calling the punishment mom gave you when she caught you? I remember when I was dating Martha McRae, I was sent on a “break” to Auntie Beverly’s farm. Going on dates with other guys would qualify them for childhood sweetheart status under the clause:

    (a) Dating the unmarried Patterson or Richards;

    You should bear in mind that it would need to be more than one date to meeting the “dating” definition. However, I would strongly recommend being a little particular in your selection. You want more of the Duncan Andersons in the world (intelligent, family mom likes), than the Jeremy Jones (bully, family mom simultaneously hates and pities). This is a very difficult area to discern. When I started dating my lovely Deanna, mom liked Deanna and she seemed to like Deanna’s parents. Little did I suspect that Deanna’s parents would have a sudden change in personality which would lead them to be so despicable.

    You already have some operating allure as a Patterson woman (judging from Gerald Forsythe’s loyalty to you), so you should really only date someone you can stand to have fall deeply in love with you and be around you all the time. Also, bear in mind something which I have only recently truly understood. You will be living ultimately in Milborough, so local boys are a better choice. You might want to put off dating guys in Manitoba until you are over 18 years old, so they won’t count. Elizabeth can tell you all about the frustration of men who won’t fall in love with her enough to move to Milborough.

    Let me know if you have any more questions about the matter. I think we have all seen what a mess Elizabeth has made of her love life, and trust me when I say, nobody wants you to turn out the same way.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:00 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo peeps, this is G-Dog's latest single about his derailed night of love with Ape-babe.

    Out in the Cold
    by Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
    (c) Psychosexual Records 2007

    Why oh why
    Did her passion
    Have to die
    Now I'm missin'
    Her tender touch
    I loved her oh so much

    But oh no
    Her parents came home
    And I had to go
    Left me all alone
    On the back porch
    Carryin' a torch

    But it's not enough to keep me warm
    Maybe she didn't mean any harm
    But now I'm cold and alone!
    With no way to get back home!

    Shivering in the cold
    In just a sweatshirt
    She said our love got old
    And she kicked me in the dirt
    Said she'd call me a cab
    How am I gonna pay that tab?

    But that cab never came!
    My love, she just went to bed
    I wonder, am I insane?
    Clearly her love for me is dead!
    Here I am, on the back porch
    Carryin' a torch

    But it's not enough to keep me warm
    Maybe she didn't mean any harm
    But now I'm cold and alone!
    With no way to get back home!

    Her lips are fire
    But her heart is ice
    When it's down to the wire
    She'd rather save her ass than make nice!

    And now I'm cold and alone!
    With no way to get back home!
    And baby, you know it's true
    I'll never get over you
    Even if you leave me behind
    You'll always be on my mind
    I'll grow an ugly stasche
    And contract a hideous rash
    And dedicate my pathetic life to you
    That's all a childhood sweetheart can do...

  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, milboro guys. gotcha.

    ger, looks like u r dialing back the 'tude. good move! sorry abt the outdoors and the cold an' all, but u know i was in a bind!

    btw, dunc wrote an' recorded a really cube song called "april is awesome." there's nothing in that song abt me having a heart of ice or ne other mean stuff. it's v. v. catchy an' i hafta say i prefer it! (also, dunc's been saying u r a "sexual psycho" cuz of yr "label" name.)


  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u nevah sed if u got duncan 2 beat up gerald 4u or not. w/o his cat 2 fite 4 him, i think evn gerald cud take him, so he prolly wudn’t b ur best choice.

    i had my usual tutorin’ sesh w/zenobia barnaby @the learning resources centre in the library. my v-girl vanessa sez she likes the idea i hafta b tutored on accounta it makes me look more victimificant, which iz prolly true. however, aftah a year of this, i have gotten 2 the point where i kinda like talking 2 zenobia.

    i got 2 the tutorin’ session & zenobia sed, “hi, jeremy! i thot u were in detention.” i sed, “i was, but i’m not. i gotta internship ovah @koolhaus 2b their new sound guy. vanessa got it 4 me & got me outa detention.” zenobia sed, “vanessa, eh? new gf?” i sed, “not xxactly. she’s a v-girl & i am her victimificant othah.” zenobia sed, “oh rite. thoze v-girls r kinda whack wen it comez 2 men. so wut have u heard ‘bout gerald forsythe & april patterson? did they go 2 bed 2gethah?” i sed, “uh-huh. but her ‘rents interrupted them b4 they got 2 do nethin’. ‘course april sez they weren’t gonna do nethin’ & gerald sez different.” zenobia sed, “oh rite. thass wut he has in his songs.” i sed, “i dunno y he feels he hazta publicize his luv life like that.” zenobia sed, “u been out w/vanessa?” i sed, “vicki simone & gordie duroccher & vanessa & i were @her place.” zenobia sed, “did u have a nice evening?” i sed, “we just watched t.v.” zenobia sed, “wut did u watch? a movie?” i sed, “nah. just stuff.” zenobia sed, “reality show?” i sed, “not rilly.” zenobia sed, “so, nothing xxcitin’ 2 talk ‘bout.” i sed, “nope.”

    then i noticed zandra larson went out the library doors. zenobia sed, “ok. she’z left. wut iz up w/u hookin’ up w/vanessa? y didn’t ask zandra out? z-girls r way bettah than v-girls.” i sed, “goin’ aftah girls wen they’re still hurt frum breakin’ up w/sum1 is not my kinda thing. back wen my dad, country jones & my mom got divorced, there were all kindsa country musick peeps who tried 2 nail my mom, so they cud get back @my dad. i don’t wanna b like that. every1 knows duncan anderson h8s me, so if i asked out zandra it wud look funny.” zenobia sed, “is it true duncan anderson beat u up?” i sed, “his cat did. that cat is like sum kinda monster.” zenobia sed, “u got beat up by a cat?” i pointed 2 my face & arms & sed, “c these scratches. i got them on monday & they still look fresh. u don’t wanna mess w/duncan’s cat.”

    then i heard this voice b-hind me & i realized zandra wuz back in the library & standin’ rite next 2 me. zandra sed, “faustus.” i sed, “huh?” zandra sed, “faustus is the cat who beat u up. falstaff is 2 nice.” i sed, “how long have u been there.” zandra sed, “long enuff.” i sed, “did u just set me up, zenobia?” zenobia sed, “sum1’s gotta do it.” zandra sed, “sorry u got scratched.” i sed, “i’ve been hurt worse.” zandra sed, “contrary 2 wut zenobia haz been tellin’ u, i am not in need of a new bf. i got 3 more months @r.p. boire & i am gonna kiss this place good-bye & nevah come back.” i sed, “rite, ur up @trinity college @u of t next year.” zandra sed, “thass rite.” i sed, “well, if ur evah ovah @koolhaus mebbe u can say ‘hi’ or sumthin’. i gotta internship doin’ sound ovah there. it’s @queen's quay & jarvis.” zandra sed, “i know where it is.” i sed, “rite. or since my future sis got accepted @trinity college 2, mebbe i might happen 2cu wen i visit her.” zandra sed, “future sis?” i sed, “the daughter of my mom’s bf. if my mom & her dad get married, she’s my step-sis, so i call her my future sis.” zandra sed, “how ru gonna get there? bum a ride? take a cab?” i sed, “no. i’m gettin’ my M1 & i saved enuff frum my gigz this year 2 buy a used harley.” zandra sed, “thass cube.”

    @this tyme, vanessa appeared like outa nowhere & sed, “jeremy. who’s this girl?” i sed, “this is zandra larson. she’s 1 of the tutors.” vanessa sed rilly coolly, “hello, zandra.” zandra sed, “u must b vanessa.” vanessa sed, “thass rite.” i sed, “zandra & i were talkin’ ‘bout her goin’ 2 university next year.” vanessa sed, “oh, rilly. w8 a minute. zandra larson. i know that name. ur the girl duncan anderson just broke up w/.” zandra sed, “how do u know that?” vanessa sed, “b4 march break, he wud sit in a corner & moan ‘oh man oh man. y did zandra larson snitch on me? y did i ask the picton peeler 2 help me buy her a prezzie?’ it wuz pretty pathetic. i remember thinkin’ he wud b a choice 4 a victimificant othah.” i sed, “u were thinkin’ ‘bout duncan b4 me?” vanessa sed, “well, yeah. he’z pretty victimificant, but wen the special needs kids were beatin’ u up 4 callin’ them retarded, u passed duncan up. i think u set new standardz 4 b-ing victimificant.” zandra sed, “victimificant?” vanessa sed, “wen ur victimized all the tyme.” zandra sed, “jeremy is a good choice 4 that. sum1's alwayz blamin' him 4 sumthin'.” i sed, “thanx.” zandra sed to vanessa, “so jeremy is ur bf?” vanessa sed, “my victimificant othah, not my bf. it’s diff. i am still not recovered my ex-bf 2 think ‘bout a new 1.” zandra sed, “i know how u feel.” then zandra & vanessa started havin’ sum kinda convo ‘bout break-ups.

    zenobia sed, “come on, jeremy. let’s get sum tutorin’ in. i tried my best w/u, but ur just 2…” i sed, “victimificant?” zenobia sed, “yeah.”

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, dunc's mom overheard him trying 2 convince me 2 let him beat up ger, and she got s00per-mad, all, "gerald is your FRIEND! how can u even think of beating him up? dunc tried 2 xxplain, but mrs. anderson didn't wanna hear it. that was when she asked me 2 got back home, so i'm not sure what happed next. but dunc didn't beat up ger.



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