Mike has a random story from the past

Sadly, we R still in reminiscing. This time, Mike has a story 4 U, which he posted l8 last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, as I caught my son trying to eat the telephone, I was reminded of a story of my past when I was just a little older than he was and I had to deal with the telephone. I said, “Son, I remember when I was just a little older than you are and I had to deal with the telephone.” In preparation for my story, his eyes took on an absent look, waiting for a reminiscence of great meaning to fill his young, small brain. This is the story I told:

I was lying on the floor, playing with Legos, as I usually did with my right hand bearing a strong resemblance to the letter Q and wearing those special pants mom made for me where she mismeasured the inseam so the crotch was about at my knee. I loved those pants. They were great whenever I wanted to play a merman. I loved the mermen. They always had naked chests and they never wore sea shells like the mermaids did.

On this occasion, I heard the sound “RRINGG!” Naturally I knew this was the phone and not the front door. I picked it up and said, “Hello?” I remember this was especially difficult, because my right arm had chosen that particular time to mutate my wrist and arm to look a little like a fried chicken leg. Little Lizzie must have thought the same thing because she headed toward me with hunger in her eyes. Let me tell you there is nothing worse than having a fried chicken leg-shaped arm, being gnawed on by a nearly toothless, younger sister. I had to deflect her assault somehow. The person on the other end of the line said, “May I speak to Elly Patterson?” I said, “No, she’s outside right now.—Wanna talk to my baby sister?” Then I handed the phone to Lizzie and the attack was deflected. Mission accomplished.

Lizzie took the phone out of my hand and with her massive, muscular, beefy arms; and said very clearly, “Glah? Da-da-da? COOKIE! Num-num!” I remember well thinking that this might be one of the most articulate moments of her life, and that has proven to be the case. However, the person on the other end of the phone didn’t think so, and he yelled out “*!!{Saturn}@*” at Lizzie. Lizzie was taken aback by the geometric shapes and took her head away from the phone receiver. I took this opportunity to take the phone back from Lizzie. She was upset when I did this and grabbed at the wire on the phone and turned red in the face. Interestingly enough, she did not start screaming until later, so I was able to speak again to the person on the other line. I had hoped to learn more geometric symbols; but the man became strangely quiet, and said he wanted to talk to mom again. I said, “Yeah? You still want wanna talk to her? OK--”

This was the tricky part. Mom had told me not to leave Lizzie alone; but the man on the phone wanted to speak to Mom. How could I get Mom and still not leave Lizzie alone? Brilliantly smart as I was, the answer soon came to me. I held the phone away from my mouth, and yelled, “MAAH” as loud as I could, in order to get her attention from the outside. As I put the phone receiver to my head to tell the man I had called for Mom, I was surprised by a few things:

1. I heard a “CLICK” sound which either meant the man hung up or he had started to speak Xhosa, that African language that uses clicking sounds to talk.
2. I suddenly realized that the phone receiver was bigger than my head.
3. I suddenly realized that the sleeves on my shirt were no longer the same length.

Mom heard my cry and came in with sweat upon her brow, and gardening gloves and a gardening trowel in her hands. I held the phone up to her with both hands in supplication and said, “It’s for you.” I was afraid of what would happen when she discovered the man on the other end of the phone had hung up. Fortunately, Mom is not nearly as accurate with a gardening trowel as she is with a coffee cup.

That was the lesson my son learned from me that day. Sure enough it worked. No longer does he try to the eat the phone. But he has developed a certain predilection for garden trowels.

Love,

Michael Patterson

I guess that was supposta B a lesson in how not 2 answer the fone, eh?

Well, l8 yesterday, the squat got raided! Zenia is convinced that "the guy w/the phallic nose and ridiculous ponytail across the street dropped the dime on us." Cd B. Weed is awfully worried abt property values. NEway, I called Jeremy from the jail and his Mom was so cube abt bailing me out. Dunc insisted on staying cuz "street cred," Eva refused 2 leave his side, and Zenia sed she had 2 stay cuz of her secret "exposé" she's writing.

So, I M back @ Jeremy's and he's trying 2 talk me outta being further involved in what Dunc's got going in TO.

Apes

Jungles vs. Zoos in the Distant Past

OK, prolly the last day of this run of flashbacks we've been in. Sumthing abt little Mike making animal noises 2 entertain baby Nizzie, and Dad coming home saying, "Whew! What a day... Elly, it's a jungle out there." And Mike making more of his animal noises. And Mom saying, "I'll trade U 4 the zoo in here." Whatevs.

So, still in TO. Eva and I have been trying 2 get Dunc 2 leave the squat where he's been staying w/Zenia and various squatters, across the st from Weed & Carleen's place. Duncan's been claiming Zenia needs his help, but Zenia was saying she was up 2 sumthing "top secret." All mysterioso-like. Zandra tried 2 warn him not 2 get sucked in2 one of her schemes, but he's not listening. Just this morning, I overheard Zenia whispering urgently abt how she's in grave danger cuz [name removed @ Zenia's insistence] wants 2 have her killed. She "knows 2 much." Including sumthing abt what [he] looks like naked. ::shudder::

Apes

Surviving

The flashback I'm ignoring 2day actually picks up from yesterday's. Mom had sent Mike up 2 his room w/out supper and then was considering bringing him up sum supper. Dad told her she can't go back on her word like that, and besides, he'd survive a nite w/out supper, and Mom sed that mayB she wdn't. But obvs. she did. And apparently she was having a "thin" day.

Speaking of surviving, Eva and I R still @ the squat where Dunc's been staying. I can't say that I'd wanna live this way all the time, but w/Jeremy away this wk, @ least it's keeping me occupied. I just saw Mike show up @ Weed's place when I was looking out the window this morning. MayB Mike will write in this wkend and say what he's doing there so early on a weekday.

Apes

Day 4 of "Who Cares"

So the flashback I M currently ignoring has sumthing 2 do w/Mom sending Mike 2 his room 4 being rude, and then regretting that she threatened 2 send him there. Zzzzzzzz.

Duncan showed Eva and me how 2 squeegee and we did pretty well w/the money. I was surprised, but Dunc sed, "Yeah, the girls always do better." Zenia claims she's got sum "top-secret assignment" she can't xxplain until after the fact. We ran in2 Zandra @ a Horny T's, and she was like, "Duncan, don't tell me U've been sucked in by another one of Zenia's stories." And Dunc was all, "U don't understand." She kind of gave up, muttering that he has 2 find out the hard way all over again.

Apes

Warren won't B tied down

Liz is back w/more e-mail 2 me:

April,

I like this story I'm about to tell you because I think it shows what a good, caring person I am. Did you know I'm not only good-looking, but cheerful, funny and bright? Well, it's true, and that's what drew Warren to me almost six yrs ago!

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, what happened next the last time Warren came by. So, we were having our coffee (it's barbaric to have a conversation without hot beverages!) and sitting across the coffee table from each other. I told Warren, "You're a really nice person. We had fun together--but it never really happened for us--did it." I made that a statement, to show how serious I was being. Warren answered anyway, saying "I guess not." Then I told him, "You could never stay in one place long enough to make a commitment. You were always on the move!" Warren said, "I know." He was sipping his coffee as he said that, but somehow didn't dribble all over himself. Next, I said, "Well, now that you've decided to stay here and get a regular job, --You'll meet someone, get married, buy a house, have a family...." He interrupted me by saying, "Sounds nice, Liz... But it would really tie me down."

I was so flabbergasted by that, I let go of my coffee mug, which I'd been holding with both hands. Lucky for me, the coffee had gotten kind of cold by then, but still I got it all over my cozy turtleneck sweater and jeans. Luckily, I had an identical outfit to change into so we could continue our conversation without any confusion about me having a different outfit.

Anyway, that's it for now. You'll have to wait for my next e-mail to find out what happened after that.

Liz

Poor Warren, this will seal the opinion of those who say he's too "flighty" (bad pun) to settle down with anyone.

Dunc, OMG, I'd 4gotten all abt Charles. Now that U mention him, I remember yr dad referring 2 him way back when we were 11 and yr dad still played choo-choos with my dad, but then he stopped and I 4got. Sorry he's such a jerk!

Apes

More flashbacks U didn't wanna know abt

Hey, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's yesterday, Dunc! I was so glad I didn't spew out NE bad not-puns, or wordwork (opposite of wordplay, gettit?). And I know U were glad U didn't say "hum" insteada "eh" or talk abt how U cd get a sports job when U grow up. LOL.

NEway, guess what I woke up 2 this morning? I wandered in2 the kitchen, just wanting a nice bowl of granola w/vanilla soymilk, and who shd I C @ the table, eating my granola, but MIKE! And Liz was @ the counter making toast. And Dad was trying 2 remember how 2 make coffee (he keeps "4getting") as Mom was frying up a mess of bacon-egg slop @ the stove.

I was all, "What's going on here?" And Mom was all, "Isn't this nice! I invited Mike and Liz 2 come over 4 a good, old-fashioned family breakfast. I've been thinking abt the old dayz a lot l8ly and I was thinking how much I miss having my kids with me! I was like, "Hello, Mom? I'm yr kid and I still live in the house, remember?" Mom got a blank look on her face 4 a second, and then she seemed 2 recover and was all, "Now don't U get all defensive and teenagery, U know that what I meant was that I miss having all my kids with me!"

Then I sed, "What abt Dee and the kids?" Mom sed, "Don't B silly, they're not my kids!" I was like, "No, I know, but I'll bet Dee wda liked being included in this lil breakfast thing." Mike sed, "Don't B silly, formerly little Sister! Dee understands when I need a morning 'off.'" I tried 2 resist rolling my eyes, but they ended up rolling on their own. U know how it is. Next I asked Mike if he left me NE granola. "Oh. Was I supposed 2?" ARGH. He's so inconsiderate. Luckily I had sum vegan waffles in the freezer. Every1 in my fam thinks that's synonymous w/"cardboard," so they R totally safe.

I popped a couple of my waffles in2 the toaster and then went over 2 Dad. "OK, Dad, U can just drop the 'helpless' act. We all know U can make coffee but just don't want 2. Gimme the filter!" So he did, looking a bit sheepish, and I made coffee.

Once we were all settled around the table, Mom sat there looking back and forth between Mike and Liz, and then sed, "I can't believe my 2 kids--er, my oldest 2 kids--R all grown up! Lizzie, U were such a cute baby! I remember this one time, U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten...." And I sed, "OMG, NOT another story from when Mike was in kindy and Lizzie was a baby!" Mom sed, "Who sed that?" And I sed, "ME!" And she sed, "Oh, yeah. Quiet U. I've got a gr8 story 2 share! As I was saying, Lizzie was a very, very cute baby! Sumday, U and Anthony will have a cute, cute baby of yr own!" Liz blushed, and I muttered, "Unless the baby favours Anthony!" Mom glared @ me.

"NEway," Mom continued, "This one time, yr father, here, on one of his good-father days, was playing w/little Lizzie, swinging her around while saying things like, "It's a tootsie pie! How's my bunnikins! How's my cutesie!" Meanwhile, I was noticing what a horrible mess Michael's room was." Mike sed, "Only b-cuz I was creative and inquistive!" Mom muttered, "No, that's not Y." Mike looked gobsmacked, and then Mom continued: "So, yr father went on playing w/Lizzie, sitting on the chesterfield while holding her on his lap and saying, "Tabump-tabump ta babbsie boo.. She's my little girlikins!" I walked in2 this charming tableau, where Michael was leaning on one arm of the chesterfield and smiling at his father and sister. But I couldn't stand it NEmore. The sight of that messy room had caused an anger that was boiling inside me, and I scrunched up my eyes, threw my mouth open, and shrieked, 'Michael Thomas Patterson! Get downstairs and clean up yr room!!'"

Mike sed, "Oh, I remember that! That's when I sed, 'C, Elizabeth.. Sum day they'll call U by yr real name...." I recall that Dad looked gobsmacked. Mom sed, "Of course he did." I sed, "W8. 'Michael Thomas Patterson.' How come the "Q & Eh" @ Mom's website has his name listed as 'James'?" Mom sed, "Honey, U can't xxpect the bizzy ppl who maintain my website 2 take the time 2 look up things like that. I M sure that Steph, or whoever, decided that 'James' sounded like a sensible middle name 4 Michael, since that's my father's name and I'm such a Daddy's girl." Dad sed, "Or @ least U were until yr dad b-came old and infirm." Mom glared @ him and he sed, "Sorry, I only meant 2 thot-bubble that comment, not say it out loud." I sed, "Mom, shdn't we get Steph 2 fix that answer on the website? Now ppl R gonna know Mike's middle name is really Thomas." And mom sed, "Dont' bother Steph w/trivia like that. We can just agree that Mike has 2 middle names now." Mike looked a bit confused.

Liz sed, "Can we get back 2 talking abt how cute I was when I was a baby? That's my favourite, talking abt me being so very cute! I remember Dad useta really luv me when I was his cute little girl! Then April came along and ruined all that. " I was like, "Oh, God, here we go again!"

Jeremy, pls hurry back from yr chess thing in Etobicoke!

Apes

Edit: Hey, Mike, when U were here earlier this morning, I was so distracted by the whole "middle name" thing, I 4got 2 ask abt Y Mom wda told U 2 go "downstairs" 2 clean yr room, if U, Dad, and Lizzie were on the chesterfield in the living room. Did Mom an' Dad make U sleep in the rec room back then?

Promising

After Dunc, Eva, and I got back in2 the bldg after our not-deep talk on the bleachers and on the way back, I found Ger in the hallway, @ his locker. I sed, "Hey, Gerald... How's it going?" He was all, "OK." I sed, "R U still talking 2 me?" He was like, "Sure. Y not." Then I sed, "I was talking 2 Eva an' Duncan... An' we were saying that no matter what, ....No matter where we go, the 4 of us hafta stay friends. Alwayz." And Ger was all, "I'm cool w/that! ..U wanna keep in touch w/ME, April?" Which was kinda weird, cuz I thot that was what I'd just finished saying, but just in case Ger sumhow didn't understand, I was like, "Well, YEAH!" Then I sed, "Welll keep in touch w/Luis an' Becky and, sumday when there's a class reunion, an' we're all gray-haired an' OLD, we'll remember this day an' this promise--OK?!" And Ger sed, "Yeah! OK!!" Then we walked down the hall, him w/his arm resting on top of my rite shoulder, and me w/my hand on his back. And Ger sed, "But that day is SO far off... it's hard 2 even IMAGINE!" As he sed that, a portly old, balding male teacher walked by, and I guess that was supposta B sum kind of irony. I h8 when things happen just 4 that reason.

And as I write this, I realize that we made this big promise that "the 4 of us hafta stay friends" but we'll only "keep in touch w/Luis an' Becky." Y can't the SIX of us all B friends an' all? Hmm. And Y, Y, Y have we been talking like we're in grade 12, all farewellish.

Apes

Dunc channels.... my dad?

As U mighta guessed, on that day when we were discussing our plans of the future (or lack of plans), Eva had 2 have her turn after Dunc and I had had ours. So, while we walked back 2 the school bldg from the bleachers, I dutifully asked her, "What abt U, Eva?" And Eva decided 2 do the whole "Whoa" thing, too, and went, "Whoa. Future career. That's tuff. I can't give up singing. I'm not planning 2 B a professional singer... but I HAFTA sing! So I guess I'll take, like, general arts an' C where I go from there." I sed, "Yeah... U gotta start sumwhere." Then Duncan was all, "An' who knows! We cd all end up doing sumthing completely different from NEthing we ever imagined!" Then 4 no reason, Eva and I traded places (I had been 2 Dunc's left, w/Eva 2 his rite). And then Dunc sed, "Exciting, hum?" He actually sed "HUM." Just like my DAD does. Y doesn't he just say "Eh"? We R Canadians, after all! NEway, Eva and I got these terrified-gobsmacked looks on our faces and Eva went, "Yeah." And I was like, "Totally."

Apes

When Eva is a Laff Track

I don't even wanna tell U my latest story, cuz it ends w/me making a way lame kinda "wordplay" and I M ashamed. But here goes.

We (Duncan, Eva, and I) were still on the bleachers. I had just been talking abt my plans 4 vet school. Dunc sed, "Ummm...I'm sort of interested in business stuff. I'm also in2 sports... An' travel an' communications." I was listening, but also noticing I had gone eyeless and my body proportions were way off again, like I was built like a 6yo or sumsuch. It was v. v. disturbing!

I sed, "U cd open a travel agency!" And Eva sed, "An' organize worldwide sporting events!" Of course neither Eva nor I knew the slightest abt what it takes to do either of those things, but whatevs. Dunc sed, "Who knows..."

Then he sort of half got up, kinda sticking his butt out like he needed 2 poo. And he sed, "I mean, doors open, rite? U get started in sumthing an' U meet people an' doors open. There's always an open door." Eva had half-stood up, and I was also starting 2 get up as I sed, "Yeah..." Then as Duncan started 2 walk down the bleachers, I told him, "...U just hafta remember 2 let go of the knob!" Yeah, I know, that was stupid and made no sense, but Eva laffed NEhow. Like a laff track.

Zandra, I didn't C yr comment from last nite until this morning. Dunc, OMG, R U OK?

Apes

Eva interviewed me on my career plans

Duncan, Eva, and I all 4got our PE uniforms, so we hadta sit on the bleachers while everyone else ran around frolicking on the track or sitting in the field conducting foot self-massage. A couple of the kids who were frolicking had ink-black skin and no features. They almost looked like silhouettes, but U cd tell they weren't silhouettes cuz U cd clearly make out their gym uni's and sneakers.

NEway, Eva decided 2 interview me abt my longterm plans. She does that sumtymes, and it can B a bit annoying if U R not in the rite mood. She went, "Do U totally know what U're gonna do, April? ...Career-wise?" Y can't I have friends who talk like normal teenagers? And notice her "totally." Who "totally" knows @ this pt? Esp. in grade 11. I told her, "Um.... I think so. Well... Not totally. Stuff cd change, but we'll C." I held up one knee 2 stretch a bit, so I cd pretend I was doing sumthing vaguely phys-eddish, and I continued w/"I mean, I've checked out what I need 2 do 2 B a veterinarian, an' it's what I THINK I want. @ least, it's what I'm interested in. I'm sort of.... U know... leaning in that direction. An' ... who knows. It all depends, rite? @ least I'm gonna give it my best shot." Dunc looked kinda worried, and Eva went "Sweet." Then Dunc turned his head 2 smirk @ her while she sed, "....I wish I was as sure of myself as U R!" I felt a gobsmacked look forming on my face.

Dunc sed, "It's 'I wish I were,' Crazy! We just went over 'conditional' in English class, don't U remember?" Eva scowled and sed she was being colloquial. Dunc sed "colloquial" is not an xxcuse 4 "stupid."

I make a snotty dig @ Ger

On the day when I'd made that comment I told U abt, where I sed I wanna lead insteada follow, I was standing in a classroom w/Eva and Duncan (I'll let Dunc xxplain Y he's back from Barbados), just after class. Ger b-came a silhouette and snubbed us. Eva's face became kinda abstract looking as she asked, "What's w/Gerald, April?" Cuz I'm, like, his keeper or sumthing. And Dunc was all, "He just went by w/out saying NEthing 2 us! ...Did U guyz have a fite?" As we walked out of the classroom, I sed, "He sed he was gonna tour with Becky's band, an' not go 2 university... An' I guess I gave him a hard time." I still wasn't questioning Y touring this coming summer automatically means no uni NEXT YEAR, but I wasn't thinking super-clearly.

Out in the hallway, Dunc sed, "He's a really good drummer, April. MayB he's doing the rite thing!" And Eva sed, "Yeah! I mean, if it doesn't work out, he can alwayz go back 2 school. U know--as a mature student." Since I was in a mean, bitchy kinda mood, I joked, "With Gerald, 'mature student' is an oxymoron. Eva and Dunc laffed @ my joke. I think we all felt kinda insecure abt ourselves that day, since we all looked as tho we'd been v. badly drawn, and our proportions were way wrong. Eva and I had oversized heds, and the lower halves of our bodies were way too small 4 our torsos. Our legs were way spindly and our feet looked ridiculous. So jokes @ Ger's xxpense took our minds off all that, I guess. It was sucky, yeah, but @ the mo, I was just happy 2 get an EZ laff! Sorry Ger!

Apes

Easier

Happy New Year, ppl! Yay, it's 2008!

So, U know I went 2 Ger's NYE party last nite. When we rung in the New Year, Ger did that butt-hosting thing Patterson men and the men who d8 Patterson women like 2 do. As he did, we all yelled, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" Dunc was kinda spooning Eva while they were both standing, and Eva was holding up a mug of something and shouting, "Wooooo-Hoooo!" Luis yelled, "Make it a good one!" His girlfriend Rosario used a little megafone 2 shout "Peace!"

Then every1 went in2 silhouette and Ger started a slowdance w/me even tho the music was fast (as he alwayz does), and I sed, "I wonder where we'll B next New Year's Eve, Gerald." And he sed, "Let's not talk abt that." Then he ran over 2 the stereo, which was like six feet away, w/out letting go of me, but by stretching one arm like that guy Rex Reed in the Fantastic 4. As he did that, he was all, "Let's turn up the music and dance. --Let's just think abt now. I asked, "Why?" He retracted his arm, went back in2 slow dance 4mation, and sed, "B-cuz ... it's easier," kinda into my hairline.

R U confused? I mean, Ger an' I had broken up, rite? And I've been d8ing Jeremy. So did we just get back 2gether 4 NYE? So that we cd break up again? And Y R we acting as tho we R in our senior yr of HS when we R only in 3rd yr? Well, things mite b-come more clear as I tell the rest of this story over the next few days. Or mayB they'll B clear as mud. Either way, have a faboo new year, and get bizzy w/those NY rezzos!

Apes

Recycling Liz lines?

So that boring schoolday I was tellin' U all abt of course ended w/a bus ride home. I sat w/Eva, who was all, "Gerald was pretty bummed when U didn't want 2 do music professionally." And I was like, "Neither does Duncan... and Luis sez he doesn't know what he wants 2 do." Eva was like, "Well, I want 2 keep singing, but it looks like our band is gonna have 2 break up, so....." And I sed, "So--let's make the best of it, Eva. We still have sum time left! We're still 2gether!" And Eva was all, "Yeah.... We're still 2gether." U'd think we were going off 2 uni 2morrow insteada in a yr and a half. But whatevs. Then I had this thot, as Eva and I both had our mascara run out the corner of each rite eye--this thot was like if sum1 who was in charge of corny lines had 4gotten that Liz had already dun this was sum months ago: "Sumtymez, when U look on the brite side.... the sun gets in yr eyez." C what I mean? Oh, and also my hair curse remembered that it had retooled my bun when I turned 16, and it went back 2 its "April @ 16" variant.

Jeremy, that was pretty krayzee @ Koolhaus yesterday. Thanx 4 helping me w/the whole toy-bunny sitch. That replacement really does look identical 2 the one that got confisc8ed. I hafta say I kinda enjoyed what happed around midnite--Becky's Dad/manager Thorvald McGuire storming in, grabbing Becky while shouting, "What did Fafa tell U abt that not-a-Viking Gerald Forsythe! Fafa is setting U up with Dustin Jimberlake!" And then he carried her out under her arm, like she was a newspaper! And Gerald just kinda whimpered. U were pretty good abt restraining yr laughter.

Apes

Fun and Fame

After what I sed yesterday abt wanting 2 party on Halloween, we all went outside. Luis, Ger, and Dunc all sat down on the front steps, and Eva and I stood behind them on the landing, wearing matchng jackets. Luis started having a pop and a danish cuz he gets the shakes if he doesn't snack every couple of hrs. Luis was all, "April's kinda rite, Ger... We don't plan on being professional musicians." Dunc sed, "An' work-wise, this is gonna B a heavy yr!" Luis was like, "Yeah... If I'm gonna pull in the marks I need, I can't perform on weekends." Eva draped her arms around Dunc's shoulders, kinda lookin' as if she was trying 2 get in2 his shirt pockets, as Dunc sed, "We can just... U know, play 4 fun!" Ger put a hand 2 his sternum, all, "FUN?! --U wanna B a band 4 fun? --I can't believe U guys! We are, like, the best in this area!" As in the front-step area? And Dunc was all, "Can't U B happy w/that?" Ger scrunched his eyes shut, extended both hands out, so the palms were parallel, and yelled, "I don't wanna B happy! --I wanna B FAMOUS!!" I stood behind him lookin' gobsmacky.

Hm. The fun-vs.-fame divide. I guess most of us have really absorbed my fam's ethos on this one. How many wanna wager that Ger's gonna end up playing in Becky's band for the longterm. And mayB play with Becky in other ways, 2, IYKWIM?

Apes

Wherein I channel Fleetwood Mac

Keesha, thanx 4 giving me the link 2 yr interview w/Mike 4 the school paper.

Hey, did U know I'm still in a band? And that Dunc came back from Barbardos? Well, I am [that may B ending] and he did.

So, the other day, I was standing in the hallway @ school w/Dunc and Luis, when Ger came along. Ger was all, "It's totally arranged, guys. We R THE BAND on "Wicked Wednesday." Dunc went, "Cool!" and Luis sed, "Aw-right." I was like, "Yay." Ger's ears went way hi on his head as he sed, "Yay"? ...U sound less than enthused." And I went, "Gerald, we're giving up another Halloween nite 2 perform!" Which, now that I think of it, is an odd thing 2 say, cuz when have we ever given up a Halloween nite 2 perform. Last yr, we played @ Gym Jam, but that was during the day--and what did we even do on Halloween nite? I don't remember. And the yr B4 that? What big Halloween performance did we do? NEway, w/this new chip in my brain that sez we R alwayz giving up our Halloween nites 2 B the entertainment, I was like, "Y don't WE party 4 a change?" And Ger was all, "Party?!! But we're popular now! We're on the ladder of success!" Eh, since when? I was like, "I don't wanna B on this ladder!" Eva, who had been consipicuously absent, suddenly appeared, as if a bad storyteller had only just remembered that she's in our band and oughta B present. Ger asked, "U wanna sit on the stump of mediocrity?" And I sed, "No. ....I want to go my own way." Then Eva busted out w/"U can go your own way/Go your own way/U can call it/Another lonely day/U can go your own way/Go your own way." And then, the next thing that happened was--aw, nuts, my fone's ringing--I'll hafta tell U 2morrow.

Apes

Being "Cool" at the Beach

Yeah, so like I mentioned in yesterday's comments, I went 2 the beach w/a buncha friends yesterday. B-sides Ger, Dunc, an' Eva, we had Vicks and also Gordie, who has lost sum w8 and stopped wearing berets since my b-day celebration of last yr, and Keitha and Raphael, who I don't know v. well but who R kinda tite w/Gordie. There was also this guy Chuck, who's friends w/Ger cuz of hockey and basketball.

When we 1st got there, Dunc waved Eva's red bikini in the air. 4 sum reason, she was the last person 2 change in1 her suit. 4 a while there, she stayed in her purple tube top and shorts that were, like, neon green w/purple flowers in diff sizes. I wore a red-orange bikini w/lite orange, green-bordered polka dots on it, Vicks wore a hot pink one-piece an' blue shorts, and Keitha wore a purple one-piece.

NEway, 4 sum reason we were hung up on taking pix of every lil thing we did while we were there. It was kinda like when my fam 1st got a digital camera in March of 2003. Well, this time around, 1st we did a big ol' group shot where we struck dumb poses and Eva took the pic. Then Ger an' Gordie both mooned me an' I took a pic (nice butts!). Then Gordie got a shot of Dunc holding Eva on his shoulders while she held a can of pop and pretended it was beer. Then Ger remembered hearing abt the time I went 2 the beach w/Liz in August of 2004, spat watermelon seeds on her back while she dozed face-down w/her top untied, and then ran after me and accidentally xxposed herself 2 every1. And he thot the whole spitting-seeds thing was so hilarious that he asked me 2 do that 2 his back, while Dunc took a picture. Then Ger snapped a pic of me, Keitha, and Eva in the water spouting water out of our mouths, in imitation of whales. Then after all that, we looked @ the pics we'd saved on the camera, and Dunc was like, "Oh, man! Sumday, we're gonna look @ these fotos... an' C how totally cool we were!"

And 4 sum reason, I had a feeling that middle-aged peeps everywhere were shaking their heads over that an' laffing @ us, even tho no middle-aged peeps were in earshot just then. Weird how I get feelings like that sumtymes.

Apes

Egg heads?

Back 2 the events of this past Monday. Shannon was all, "Wd ... U ... wanna ... have lunch ... w/ ... me?" And I was like, "Sure, Shannon. Y not?" So we got 2 the table, and I was thinking, "Man, Shannon's mom gave her lunch $, and I hadta bring in one of my sad little brown-bag lunches!" NEway, I'd just finished thinking that when Shannon sed, "U ... know ... sum of my ... friends, rite?" And I sed, "Hello," while a coupla ppl @ the table were all, "Hi" and "H'lo!" As I was sitting, I realized I remembered this one guy Jack from home economics back in grade eight. I remember him having this big emotional moment when we cooked hard-boiled eggs. So I was all, "We were in the same home economics class! Remember, Jack? U learned how 2 cook eggs!" And he was like, "Eggs! I cooked eggs all by myself!" I was a bit surprised he was still basking in that glory more than two yrs l8er. NEway, once I'd sat and was abt 2 bite in2 my sad little sandwich, this girl with short hair and big teeth, who mighta been one of those girls offering Becky essays and test answers last yr, walked rite up behind me and sed, "Hey, April! --I C U're sitting w/the 'egg heads'!" Which is usually the insult ppl use on kids who R smarter and better students than they R. But mayB her scare quotes meant she was being ironic? In which case, she's obviously evil and on her way 2 being punished or served w/a v. special lesson of sum kind, eh?

Dunc, don't worry. I know Eva's all hot 2 have our band do a Sound of Music Thing, but I say no way. If we do the telethon, we'll just do one of our normal sets, in our normal clothes. And OMG, do U really think U'll never come back from Barbados? If that's true, mayB I'll never come back from Manitoba!

Apes

Personal Moments and No-Stache Anthony

Liz has posted another upd8 abt Shawna-Marie's wedding:

April,

I know you have been waiting with baited breath for my next story about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and by the way, about that, you should really not have breath that smells like bait, it's a turn-off.

We were all standing at the altar at Shawna-Marie's wedding, watching her get married to whatever his name is, but instead of watching it, I was thinking about how Shawna-Marie, Dawn, and I used to talk about which one of us would get married first, well, back in the old days, Shawna-Marie and Dawn always said it would be me, because marriage is so important to Pattersons and Dawn believes in very long engagements and nobody believed that Shawna-Marie would find a man who could love a hick with a faux-Quebecois name who looks very masculine, especially when wearing a dress.

But there we were, Shawna-Marie got married on Saturday and Dawn is getting married next year and I'll be a bridesmaid in that and guess what, I don't even have a boyfriend, so fate totally turned things around from what we thought, and as I realized that, I started to get kind of misty, and I thought about how great it is we have known each other since grade school, where I was always considered way prettier than those other two, and way more likely to get a man, and how nice it is that we still share our personal moments, such as weddings, unlike other people who have been best friends since grade school but who are just not as close as me and Dawn and Shawna-Marie, and do not invite their friends to weddings.

It was just then that I started thinking about how weddings are full of very special personal moments, and I mean that in the sense of those commercials on TV for feminine products, I mean, we laughed over Shawna-Marie's underwear and I loaned Dawn a tampon at the bridesmaid's lunch, and we all heard Mrs. Verano's lecture on proper douching technique so as to be "fresh" for the wedding night, and just then, as I was thinking about douche, the most amazing coincidence happened, I spied Anthony from across the room, at least I think it was him, he didn't have a moustache, which struck me as a strange choice, but I will explain more tomorrow.

Liz

FYI, Liz, the expression is "bated breath" not "baited breath." But I'm glad I'm not the only one who associ8's "Anthony" with the word "douche."

Dunc, hope U R OK 2day. Who knew yr b-day wd end w/U b-ing treated like the doggie toy of Becky's giant dog Freyfaxi, and then carried off by the superheroine Abuja Woman (Eva's mom)? So whack! But @ least U R still 16 an' U passed yr G1, eh? Let's do a proper celebration on Friday!

Apes

Best Man

So Liz wrote in with this:

April,

Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).

Liz

This morning, Liz came over 4 brekkie, cuz she was all outta cookies an' 4got 2 shop 4 more food. I was all, "So who's the guy?" Mike had just walked in2 the kitchen rite B4 that, 4raging 4 sum granola and milk 2 completely finish, so Liz was like, "U don't recognize our brother Mike?" And I rolled my eyez, all, "No, not that guy! The guy @ the wedding rehearsal. The 1 U mentioned in yr comment last nite." Liz got frowny 4 a moment, like "U R so nosy!" But then she kinda 4got 2 B pissy an' sed, "Oh, April, his name is Mason, and he's so hunky! He sort of reminds me of yr Gerald, but grown-uplike and manly! He's the best man, and he's going 2 B my escort b-cuz he doesn't have a d8 either! April, I just know this is FATE!"

Just then, Mike plunked down, with a salad-sized bowl full of granola and probably almost a whole litre's worth of milk in that, and he sed, "It's all my fault! I just realized this morning!" Liz an' I kinda looked @ ea other confused, but Mike went on, "Dad and the trains! I had a memory, when I was looking @ sum old pics of me and Brian Enjo, from rite around the time we finished grade 4. And that's when it came back 2 me." He did a dramatic pause, and looked up @ us, kinda tearful. "Keith Enjo, Brian's Dad, had model trains in his basement. This was long B4 Dad ever thot of it. After Brian showed them 2 me, I came home raving about how gr8 they were. But here's the worst part. After I'd finished telling Dad about the model trains, I sed...." He paused dramatically. "I sed, 'It must B gr8 2 have a father who's interesting!" Liz and I were both all, "OMG," and Mike nodded, saying, "Dad didn't get in2 the trains until the 1990s, girls, but I think I must have planted this idea in his head back in the 80s!" Just then, Mom walked in and sed, "Don't feel 2 bad, Mike. If it hadn't been trains, it wd have been sumthing equally stupid and childish." Then Dad came up from his workshop, wearing his choo-choo coveralls, carrying two little "train" ppl, saying, "Now, now, Edwina, quit fighting with Norman!"

Dunc, OMG, that was so messed up w/Kimmi, Zenobia, Zapata, and Eva all going after U @ that party U threw @ Eva's house. Howard, thanx 4 coming over when U called. Dunc, I'm sorry 2 hear abt the bald spot.

Apes

NO!

There's something abt Gramps's home healthcare workers going over 2 the apt 2 massage him and help him w/sum xxercises. There's sumthing abt him thinking he'd like 2 B 30 when one of them asks if there's NEthing else he'd like B4 his bath. But NO! I'm not gonna.

Hm, Dunc, so U think I shd go permanent w/the tatts an' piercing an' hair colour, eh? MayB I will. MayB sumtime after September. Oh, and I don't want 2 tell U 2 beat up Ger. But, y'know, if U happen 2 B mad @ him and work it out in yr own "guy" way? Well, I wdn't try 2 stand in yr path.

Not 2 harsh on Eva or NEthing, but it sounds like those lyrics she gave U? R from that song in the musical Oklahoma, "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," but changing "beautiful morning" 2 "beautiful evening."

Apes

P.S. Congrats on yr award and gift cert. Need help spending that Horny T's $?