Thinking what she doesn't have to think

A bit more from Liz, and then who knows 4 next week:

April,

Warren turned into a silhouette right before he got into his car. His car was parked far away enough that his silhouette looked tiny, but not so far that he was on the other side of my street. I had no idea I had so much space between my place and the curb. But where was I? Oh, yes. Silhouette-Warren was standing by his not-silhouette car, waving, and I waved back. At least I think he was waving. His hand was so tiny, I had to make a guess.

After he left, I gazed adoringly at my engagement ring. I was thinking, "I thought I was in love with Warren once, but it wasn't love." Then I leaned against the side of house, gazed into the distance, and thought, "I thought I was in love with Paul and with Eric--but that wasn't love either." I went back to gazing at my ring, while continuing to think: "I do love Anthony. Oh, yes. It's love..." As I went back into my apartment door, I thought, "I don't even have to think about it."

Once I was inside, I thought, "But didn't I just think all that? And I thought that I don't have to think about it. But I did just think about it." And I got worried, thinking I'd messed up, thinking about something I don't have to think about. And I got so panicky I called Mom. And after I told her all that, she said, "Oh, my dear, sweet, dumb Elizabeth. Have some warm milk, go to sleep, and stop worrying your pretty head about such things. Focus on setting a wedding date instead." And I went, "Mo-om! Anthony and I are NOT in a rush to set a date!" And Mom said, "Is that something you also don't have to think about that you're thinking about?" And I went, "Yes!" And I had to hang up because Mom filled me with more doubt. But I took her advice about the warm milk. It really does help you sleep.

Liz

Oh, Liz. I guess you had all those thoughts to convince the peeps who have been pointing out that you and Anthony have not been saying anything about "love." But those same ppl are bound 2 pt out that neither one of you has sed it out loud 2 the other. Maybe that will B next wk's story, eh?

Apes

More on Mom an' Dad's Retcon Romance

Mike had another installment 2 the story he was telling Merrie abt Mom an' Dad when they 1st met:

April,

Formerly little sis. Well, mom had some more “pictures of her past” for me about the time when she and dad met, and a little script to go along with them. I was trying to show them to my daughter, but I found she was nearly unconscious after yesterday. I decided I would just read the script and look at the pictures to fulfill my obligation to mom.

The first picture showed a 3-story building with no windows on the lower floor. On top was a sign which said, “Toronto School of Dentistry.” Then there was a huge sign about head-level with the silhouetted persons walking beside the building, which had a lot of words which were too small to read, except for “Free Dentistry”. Mom’s script said, “Every Thursday night, there was a free clinic at the dental school.” I went to mom and said, “What is this picture? I used to live in Toronto. The dentistry school is called the University of Toronto Faculty of Dentistry. It’s on Edward Street. The building has been there at least since 1958 and it looks the same way today as it did then. It does not look like this building. This looks like the Milborough School of Dentistry, with Toronto over the part where it says Milborough.” Mom said, “Goodness, Michael. Why are you so picky?” I said, “My daughter has seen the real building before. She will know this picture is a fake.” Mom said, “Accuracy is not important, when it comes to telling a story of love. What is important is letting your daughter know that back when I was in university I was frugal. I didn’t spend any money on my dental work, because I used a free clinic.” I said, “About that free clinic….” But then mom interrupted me and said, “Get back to your daughter and finish the story, Michael.”

So I went back to my daughter and I pulled out the second picture. It had a picture of a man looking through a door at a line of people in a long hallway sitting in chairs. Behind them on the wall, was a sign asking people to vote for someone. The script said, “And one evening, my mom went in for a checkup. My dad saw her waiting in line and asked the prof to let her be his patient.” My daughter said, “Client. Grandpa John calls them clients.” I said, “Back then they called them patients.” My daughter said, “Which one of those people on the wall is Grandma Elly?” I said I thought it was the one with her legs crossed. My daughter said, “That person has a turban on her head.” I said, “I think it’s her hair in a bun.” My daughter said, “Who is the person hiding behind the door?” I said, “That’s Grandpa John.” My daughter said, “He likes to hide behind things and look at Grandpa Elly, doesn’t he?” I said, “It certainly seems that way.”

Then I went to the next picture. It was a picture of inside the clinic. There was a nice reclining office chair. Someone who looked kind of like dad was standing beside it motioning to the person who kind of looked like mom to sit down. There were these extended track lighting fixtures hanging from the ceiling and a table full of dental instruments beside the chair. My daughter said, “Where’s the equipment?” I said, “What equipment?” My daughter said, “Like Grandpa John has in his office.” I looked and sure enough, there was no equipment there aside from what was on the table. The picture did not even have the old spittoon, I remembered when I was growing up. I got up and went to mom. I said, “Track lighting. No spittoon. Where was this picture taken?” Mom said, “We got a good picture in a furniture and lighting store. It looks just like a dentistry place.” I said, “My daughter spotted it right away. Mom. If you don’t have the right pictures, if the persons who are supposed to be you and dad don’t look like you did in those days, then why not let me tell the story? I am a professional writer, you know.” Mom said, “Today’s audience needs something visual. Did you tell your daughter the joke yet?” I said, “No, mom. She’s not going to get a pun based on ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say “No!”. Mom said, “No. It’s based on ‘I’m gonna make you an offer you no canna refuse.’ Young people are smarter than you think. Try it.”

So I went back to my daughter and showed her the final picture. It was picture of “mom” with a facial mask, and a dental bib and “dad” standing behind her looking in her mouth through a hand-held mirror and some other dental instrument. “Dad” had on gloves, but was not wearing a mask himself. My daughter said, “Why is Grandma Elly wearing that mask?” I didn’t know so I got up and went to dad. I said, “Dad. Why do you put a facial mask on a patient?’ Dad said, “Are we talking about trains or dentistry?” I said, “Dentistry.” Dad said, “First of all, we call them clients now. The masks could be used to prevent harm to the patient from the emitted light of the dental procedure. We use them for our clients who are too bright. Get it?” I said, “Funny one dad. What if the eyes and nose are uncovered, and only the lower part of the head is covered, except for the mouth?” Dad said, “That dental patient face mask protects the patient from projected liquid and solid materials often encountered during the administration of dental procedures. It’s so if I spit or slip, it doesn’t drip or rip their lip. That one rhymes, you see?” I told dad I saw it. I went back and told my daughter. She said, “Just read the script dad.” I said, “I guess mom was really impressed, because when he asked for a date…she couldn’t say ‘No’!” Then in the picture there was a word balloon coming out of mom saying, “Yrgl.” My daughter said, “What does Yrgl mean, dad?” I said, “You Read Good Lips.” My daughter said, “It does not. That’s silly.” I said, “You win. All it means is dad asked mom a question she couldn’t answer because he put something in her mouth.” My daughter said, “So Grandma Elly wanted to say 'No,' but Grandpa John wouldn’t let her. Is that allowed?” I said, “For Grandpa John it was.”

That was it for this session, formerly little sis. I hope that tomorrow at least, some part of this story is going to make some kind of sense. After all, if you think about it carefully, you will realize that yesterday ended with mom and dad staring at each other saying nothing, but dad thought-ballooning about her. I refuse to believe that mom and dad’s romance is this similar to Elizabeth and Anthony’s romance.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, I don't want Mom an' Dad's luv story 2 B NEthing like Liz/Anthony either. Blecch. U prolly can't tell from how bad thoze pix R, but it took 4EVS 2 assemble them in Photoshop. And Mom w/her head over my shoulder commenting on everything I did. Yeah, I totally sed we shd use a real pic of that dental building in TO, but Mom insisted the Milborough bldg w/"Toronto" pasted in wd look more "authentic." I really hope Mom isn't gonna make me retouch the real fotos of her and Dad when they were yung, like to put a bun on her hair or erase Dad's sideburns. That wd B way lame.

Paul, thanx 4 checking in w/yr comment last nite and xxplaining sum of the stuff that didn't sound rite in Liz's Sept. 2007 monthly letter.

So, school started yesterday. I was sad 2 hafta start w/out Dunc. I think I'll like my classes, tho they're gonna B challenging, 2. I wanna do well so I can get in2 a gd pre-vet programme.

Apes

Liz's arrival home 2 wks ago

Yup, still talking abt two wks ago, the nite of Mike's "I'm Mike, worship me" party in TO.

Jeremy, remember when U had this weird premonition recently, an' U didn't know what it meant, and I had a feeling it was gonna end up having 2 do w/Liz? Well, listen up 2 what Liz just told me abt when she arrived home:

According 2 Liz, when she an' Warren got 2 the house, Warren was all, "That was a fun party, Liz. I'm glad U invited me." And Liz was all, "I am 2. I had a nice time." And then she sez Warren grabbed her by the shoulders, saying "We're going 2 get 2gether again, Rn't we?" And Liz told him, "I really like U, Warren. I really do. Let's just C what happens.... OK?" Warren pressed on w/"I'll B flying out 2morrow but I'll B back in a wk. Tell me U'll C me in a wk! I'm not leaving until U say U'll C me!" Then he took a breath and sed, "Say yes!" Liz sed "Yes." Then she quickly let herself in2 the door and she looked out as Warren leapt up in2 the air, all "I'm not gonna w8 until 2morrow... I'm flying NOW!"

Mike overheard Liz telling me abt all this, and he was like, "I like the man's style, Sistwirp. Kind of reminds me of myself when I extracted an "I love you" out of Dee for the first time by refusing 2 get down from Gordo's roof until she did. Ah, good times! 2 bad he's doomed since he was never yr "childhood sweetheart."

Then they got in2 this whole argument abt the "racist corollary" 2 the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, which Liz sez Mom showed her in secret. Mike insisted that Paul was out of the running cuz of that whole "not a childhood sweetheart" thing. And he raised sum doubts abt whether what Mom showed her was real or just sumthing Mom showed her 4 her own "Mom" reasons. Mom overheard them arguing, and she sed, "Arguing about things they don't understand. Boy does that take me back. Well, neither of you knows about the 'Duncan Anderson is eminently suitable' subclause from the mid nineties. Really, you should all come 2 ME when you have questions about these matters!"

NEway, we had a hella good time @ Koolhaus last nite. Vicks was rite abt that drummer being v. cube. He works @ the music store I go 2 downtown sumtymez. Ger has sum criticism of his style--he's all "G-Dawg gots the mad drumming skillz!" I'm just glad that when we danced, Ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!

Apes

Dad irrit8s without meaning 2

Liz was in bed moping trying 2 avoid being depressed, when Dad popped in, sat on the edge of her bed, an' sed, "Well, my sweetheart, now that Howard's been sentenced, U can get on w/yr life ....Move forward!" He tells me that this is the pt where he was planning 2 give her a pep talk leading up 2 her getting her own apt near her work, but instead he got sidetracked w/"Or... Do U have 2 get over Paul 1st?!! ....But now there's Warren! ....He's a nice-looking chap [chap?]. Well-spoken... Good manners, calls U up quite often, doesn't he! [He does?] Ahhhh, but if I was a gambler, I'd put my $ on Anthony!" Oh, really? Like, U've been so subtle abt yr Anthony-preference. ::rolleyes:: Liz sat up, all "DAD!!! Wd U STOP ALREADY?!" He stood up, all, "I'm sorry.... I didn't mean 2 B irrit8ing!" Then he left the room. Liz sez that @ this pt, she sat 4ward, clutched her jaw in her hands, and thot, "MEN!!"

NEway, I M pretty sure Dad has called his bookie and asked him 2 set up a bet 4 Liz ending up w/Anthony. There mite B sum trub finding ppl 2 bet NE other way, tho.

Apes

Being Right

Something that happened who-knows-when, since I've totally lost track of what happed on what day and when Liz was or wasn't here, Liz was pulling sum papers out of drawer in the guest room, and she was telling me, "I am so mad @ Paul and Warren. I'm so angry I cd...." And I wish I'd just let her finish that sentence, cuz now I'm totally wondering what she was going 2 say. But I interrupted her, all "Y R U mad @ Warren? I think he's totally cool! He flew up 2 Mtigwaki*, 4 1 thing, and he xxposed U 2 the truth! I bet he still likes U. Warren still likes U! Did he say he still liked U?" Which, of course, I know the answer 2 this, since we had up-2-the-min reports here @ the blog, so I was really just doing this 4 effect, I guess. And while I'd been talking, cd feel myself getting the speed-freak** eyez again. Liz had had her back turned 2 me this entire time, until I finished that last sentence. Then she turned 2 face me and she totally did a Mom, scrunching her eyez shut, snapping her jaws wide open (while sumhow still having the full lips o' beauty), and hollering, "APRIL--STAY OUT OF MY PRIVATE LIFE!" My eyez got even wider as I walked out the room grinning (looking kinda birdlike, I suspect), thinking "When I'm right--I'm right!!"

I'm just glad I didn't do sum godawful Wright/right pun abt Paul. U just know sum1 will have dun 1, either from my fam or sum1 we know well. I hope it won't have been me.

* I don't belong 2 the cult of "OMG RIDING IN A HELICOPTER IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVARRRRR!" But Liz goes a bit crazy if U make a reference 2 her riding in 1 w/out saying sumthing abt it being teh kewl.

** Mike, that convo Mom an' I had abt what "spead freak" meanz? Totally 4 yr benefit. After U left the room, she laffed at U and sed she can't believe U don't know this:

speed freak

--noun Slang. an addict or habitual user of amphetamines, methamphetamines, or similar stimulating drugs.

Apes

No Gentle Breaks

So, once Liz had taken off her jacket, Mom got her 2 sit @ the kitchen table an' pour her heart out. Just Mom and Liz, understand. I was back 2 being "April who?" and lurking on the sidelines. As I peeked my hed in2 the kitchen, Liz buried her face in2 her hands and wailed, "Warren knew Paul was seeing Susan! That's U he offered 2 fly me 2 Mtigwaki a day early!" Then Liz sat up an' I crept in2 the kitchen as she went on w/"I thot it wd B a nice surprise--but it was awful, Mom! Paul was @ Susan's apt!" Mom was all, "Y didn't he tell U he was C-ing sum1 else?" Liz was, like, "He planned 2... When he picked me up @ the bus. He sed he was going 2 break it 2 me gently." Mom put a hand on one of Liz's hands and sed, "Honey.... ...There's no such thing." 4 sum reason, hearing Mom say that made my eyez bug out like a speed freak.


Mike, 4 heav's sake, stay out of the rec room and don't knock my things on the floor. I had all my homework organized on the couch cuz I have NO. WHERE. ELSE. 2. PUT. IT. It took me an hour 2 put it back in2 the rite order after U did that. If U want 2 watch TV, U can do it in the living room. U don't have 2 displace me even more than U already have. That does it, I'm training Shiimsa 2 guard the rec room!

Jeremy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 2 not answer yr post yesterday. I wasn't mad @ what U sed when Ger an' I were discussing what does and doesn't count as cheating. And thanx 4 the warning abt Shannon. I did find her and get her 2 put the teapot away.

Apes

More Bad Patterson Wordplay

After I cried when Mom had asked how I cd live in all that clutter in the rec room, Mom D-cided it was time 4 tea, so we were back in the kitchen. While the tea was steeping in the teapot, I was all, "I'm sorry I yelled @ U, Mom." Which I hadn't dun, I'd just cried a bunch. But this was my only chance that Mom mite apologize 4 her scary yelling. Which she didn't xxactly, but she sort of put on one of her more sympathetic facial xxprssions an' sed, "Well ... I hollered @ U, 2." As she was pouring the tea, she was all, "We're all tense. We're not used 2 so many ppl living in this house." As I noticed that she was pouring her own cup B4 she poured mine, I sed, "And 4 so long!" Then as she was saying "At least Elizabeth's gone 4 a few dayz. That's one less in line 4 the shower," we heard the front door go "SLAM!" And there was Liz, in her noble-north approved fur-lined parka, yelling, "Paul dumped me 4 ANOTHER WOMAN!!" She came in2 the kitchen, threw her arms around Mom, and cried in the xxact same way that I'd been crying just moments B4--left eye dropping a puddle of tears, while the other eye made a weird teardrop fountain around her hed. Must B a family trait. And since I already knew abt Liz/Paul/Susan from this blog, I didn't react with shock, sympathy, and whatevs. But instead, my brain did this weird Patterson thing. It thot, "Speaking of water works..." And @ 1st, I thot, "Y did I just think that?" And I realized, "Oh. Mom had mentioned the shower. And Liz was in tears. Water works."

Gah, this punning program in the Patterson brain, it's really sick, yo. I mean, I shda been wanting 2 help Liz feel better, even tho the breakup wasn't newz. But the whole punning thing kinda overrode NE kinda, like, normal human emotion. And this freaks me out a bit, cuz U know I h8 all the stoopid punning, an' I try 2 resist it. And yet I have moments like that. I hope there is help 4 me.

Apes

Where they left off?

Liz sez that when she sat down 2 write abt her heli ride back from Mtig, she felt all these emotions coming up on her, and she was afraid that she was abt 2 get really depressed. As U mite know, she's been getting xxtra food and sleep whenev that happens l8ly, so she made a big pot of Kraft Dinner, scarfed it up, and then went rite 2 bed. Now she's all, "U handle it, April. But don't mess it up, or I'll chase U around the house, catch U, and pummel U!"

So, in the heli, Warren was all, "Ready 2 roll?" And Liz sez she liked that cuz it was such a "Dad" thing 2 say. She was, like, "Yes, sir, Captain!" So they were taking off and Warren asked how her visit was, Liz told him it was fine. He told her that she didn't sound fine, and she pressed on w/"Really. I'm fine." She totally h8's it when ppl try 2 get her 2 talk abt how she feels an' all. This is when Warren dropped his big bombshell: "Yr friend Paul is with Susan Dokis now.... That's gotta hurt." Weird that he phrased it as "yr friend Paul" when Paul was her BF. NEway, Liz sez she felt like sum1 had punched her in the stomach rite then. She kinda spun her hed towards him, and she was all, "Warren! U KNEW?!" And he was all, "When U fly in the north, U hear things. I didn't think U'd believe me if I told U." W8, he's based in Vancouver, and he hears Mtigwaki gossip cuz he "fl[ies] in the north"? What, do the pilots all gather in sum pilot lounge, watch soaps, and chit-chat abt the luv lives of the cops and teachers in every teensy town "in the north"? Gimme a break. But whatevs, rite? Liz was all, "So.... U dropped me rite in2 the middle of it!!!" And Warren was like, "I've never dropped U, Elizabeth.... I'm just hoping we can pick up where we left off!!"

W8 a minute, wha? Isn't "where they left off" that he lived all the way out in Vancouver, they barely kept in touch, and whenev Liz heard a helicopter, she'd look up and wonder if it mite B Warren, but it never was? Y go back 2 that? And Warren, I think U kinda 4got U were engaged 2 Marjee Mahaha, eh?

Dunc: Studying math and science. U're staying here. Gotcha.

Apes

Great Ppl in Mtig

Liz told me she was feeling 2 "emotionally fragile" 2 tell U the next bit of what happed during her Mtig visit, and she asked me 2 do it. She was, all, walking along outside w/Gary Crane as the huge, elliptical snowflakes hovered all around them. Gary was saying, "We've been 2 the community center, the band hall, the nursing station, the coffee shop and the school." And Liz was like, "I guess I've seen every1 I came 2 C." Gary asked, "And what about Paul. Have U nothing else 2 say 2 him?"

Liz sez she was upset w/Gary 4 saying that, cuz she really wasn't planning on seeing or speaking 2 Paul ever again, but was ready 2 bury the whole thing in her mind as soon as poss. But since she felt like he was putting her up 2 it, she went 2 Susan's apt and knocked on the door. As she did, the door actually said, "KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK," and from inside, Susan sed, "Coming!" This time, both Paul and Susan came to the door. Susan was sort of leaning in2 Paul and she was clutching one of his arms, like she was afraid Liz wd punch her or sumthin'. And Paul looked all startled. Liz sez that Paul was, like, "Elizabeth, we don't want 2 fite, OK?" And Liz sed, "I didn't come 2 fite. I came 2 say goodbye." Then she started 2 walk away while saying, "And Paul... Even tho it didn't work out for us, I want U 2 know that if U ever need a friend...." And she w8ed until she was, like, @ the end of the walkway B4 finishing that sentence: "There R sum gr8 ppl here in Mtigwaki."

Which, I don't know if she was B-ing all sarcastic abt the "gr8 ppl." Cuz she was mad@ them 4 not warning her abt Paul an' Susan. But she still insists they're "noble" up there whenev the subject comes up. And another thing is I'm kinda surprised Liz never sat with Paul (like in an interior setting) and had a convo abt what-all happed, instead of sum quickie words xxchanged outside Susan's door. U know, like what went wrong w/them, when it did, all that. I know Liz is hurt an' all, and I totally understand that, but I think I'd wanna know.

Apes

Liz Explains

Liz did a post last nite that totally xxplained abt Mom and thoze boots, and also told sum more abt her Mtig visit:

April,

Well I can tell you the secret of why Mom had those hoochie black boots, well there was this present that got sent to the house after Christmas, on the tag it said "Ms. E. Patterson" and on the inside it said, "Sorry this is late, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!--Your Secret Santa," well Mom insisted the present had to be for her, since it's "her house," anyway when she saw the boots I said, "Mom those are obviously for a young woman, they must be for me," but Mom insisted, she said, "They're just my style! They go with everything I own!" and then tried to prove it to me by putting them on with all kinds of different outfits from the Milborough Matron collection, even I had to admit that they did not go together, but Mom insisted, even though she couldn't really walk in them too well, anyway you know after Mom and Dad went out on Saturday night I got a phone call, it was from Candace, she sent me the boots, she said she was trying to sex up my wardrobe and that it never occurred to her that Mom would think they might be for her, so you can imagine I was super angry when Mom came home and told me she had thrown away my boots.

Well now you probably want to know more about what I'm calling "the humiliation of the century," well it just never stops, I moped around Gary and Viv's house for a few days with my head in my hands and they were very annoying, making all kinds of excuses for Paul and for why they didn't tell me, then Gary had the nerve to blame me, he said it was partly my fault because I moved away down south on short notice, and what did I expect, that it was silly to think a northerner would be happy to just follow me to my home if I wasn't willing to stay in the place he called home, and that Paul did apply for a transfer to Toronto but got the Spruce Narrows transfer first, which made me wonder if Paul would of chosen me if the Toronto transfer would of come through first, but I don't think so because then Gary said Paul is Native and Susan is Native so they belong together, and that I guided their journey.

Then I had to cry again because it's so not fair, I want someone to guide my journey to a husband, and I know Mom says the Good Witch of the North is doing that, but it's not going fast enough, I need a husband soon, oh my god, I'm going to be 26 this year, and I am starting to see wrinkles in the mirror!

Liz

Liz, I know U will get mad @ this idea, but U shd prolly B told. There R ppl out there who R saying that U shd guide yr own journey, like take responsibility 4 yr own life.

NEway, I'm sorry this is late, peeps. I think I got sum food poisoning from eating more of Dee's cooking yesterday. I'm home sick from school 2day.

Apes

News Wire

Well, Liz didn't post abt the next bit of her visit, but no worries. I found a lil article from the Mtigwaki Tattler:

White Goose Returns

By Aunt Marg

So, we've had some excitement in these parts, what with the return of my nephew Jesse's formerly favourite teacher, Elizabeth "White Goose" Patterson (sorry, Liz, but her really, really loves Susan--and he's learned so much in school this year). As you all probably know by now, Miss Patterson arrived a day earlier than we expected, thanks to the "amazing" life she leads, which includes helicopter pilots who show up to give her rides to places when she was planning to take the bus.

Liz had an unhappy surprise when she learned that other thing you all know by now, that Paul "Suds" Wright and Susan "Chipper" Dokis have fallen in love, and that he was already at her apartment in the teacherage when Liz arrived. And surely you all heard the little exchange that occurred right outside of that apartment when Liz and Paul had their "just happened" dialogue.

So, of course, the next thing that happened was that Liz hopped over to the Crane half of the teacherage and, reportedly, sobbed to Viv that she needed "tea and sympathy." Viv remarks that since Liz has been gone, she's noticed that her tea supply lasts much longer than in used to! So, Viv made some tea, and these two ladies sat down for a chat. According to Viv, Miss Goose told Viv that she "had no idea" about Paul, since they reportedly "wrote to each other" and "talked on the phone." She therefore "never had a clue." Furthermore, when Paul told her that his transfer had come through, she thought it was to Toronto. But now she knows it was to Spruce Narrows (his original transfer request): "He was transferred up HERE!"

Viv tells me that her reply was, "He's a northerner, Elizabeth. He'd never adapt to the city..... And this thing with Susan, well, --One thing led to another, and...." But Miss Liz cut her off before she was able to finish that sentence and explain just how one thing led to another, leading up to that intervention we all had. That poor boy really needed help seeing what was obvious to the rest of us, that Susan was obviously loving and devoted. She's loyal, and steadfast, hardworking, with a gentle sense of Ojibway native humour, and she always looks out for Paul. She always has, even when they were kids on the Pow Wow trail. I know the young people are often drawn to the glamour and drama of dating southerners from the big city, but really, it was time to get some sense into that boy's head.

But as I was saying, Liz interrupted Viv. She pointed out that we all knew that Liz was coming here, and that we all knew about the transfer. Also, we all knew about his dating Susan. She wanted to know, "Why didn't anyone tell ME?!" Vivian thought fast and said, "...We thought it was none of our business."

Viv tells me she considered this the best reply because Miss Patterson is always saying that things about her personal life are none of our business. Surely there are many of you who recall when Jesse innocently asked her whether she prefers bikini briefs or thongs (because he wanted to know what to get her for her birthday), and she told him "None of your business!" Or when she was buying hot chocolate and Kraft Dinners at Phil Goulais's store, and Phil asked, "Say, does Paul like you on top or on the bottom?" And she snapped "None of your business!" She didn't even give poor Phil the chance to explain that he meant the top or bottom of the emergency phone tree.

Well, there is more to this story, as you know, but many of you were curious to know what passed between Liz and Viv right after you saw her slam that door shut following the big blow-up outside of Chipper's place. Thank you, Viv, for granting me that quick interview at the laundromat.

Ohhh, so he got that other transfer! Who knew that one was still active? I guess he never requested Toronto, eh? Oh, or what if he did request Toronto, without cancelling SN? OMG, Liz, this so seems like sumthing U wd do. I mean, he cd say, well, "I'll let fate decide whether I shd B in Spruce Narrows or Toronto! Hm, I guess there's a reason fate wants me in SN, now what cd it B?" Doesn't that SOOOO sound like U?!?!?!?

Well, I think I might B moving through the stages of grief on2 acceptance. MayB. I'll keep U all posted.

Apes

Edit: I just found out about the convo where Gary tells Liz that Paul applied 4 transfers in both places and the Spruce Narrows one came thru first. Yup, I gotta say, that's totally a "Liz" way 2 handle such things!

Things That Just Happen

Well, foax, here's the latest post from Liz:

April,

Okay, well the next part is short and sweet, I just turned around and walked off the porch at the teacherage, I was going to go back to the principalage and drown my sorrows in pie, but Paul followed me, he said, "Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and..."

Well that really ticked me off, because how is it somehow better if he tells me tomorrow right, so I said, "And what?!! Tell me you've dumped me for the teacher who took my place?" because let's face it, that's not what a girlfriend wants to hear when she finally comes to visit you, well of course Paul said, "I didn't plan this...it's just happened," which is typical, I know that line, I have used it myself, so I said, "Lying doesn't 'just happen,' Paul! Cheating and pretending and covering up doesn't 'just happen'! There is a specific list of stuff that 'just happens,' I know what's on it, here are some of the things: 1. Realizing you miss your mommy, 2. Realizing you miss your divorcing ex-high school boyfriend, 3. Accidentally giving your divorced ex-high school boyfriend the wrong idea about your relationship by hugging him and begging him for support during your very romantic rape trial, 4. Your ex-college not-boyfriend shows up and offers you a ride for no reason at all after you smashed his love hopes last year but still you email sometimes just as 'friends', those are things that 'just happen'!"

Well Paul couldn't hardly say anything, he was just like, "But...I didn't want to hurt you!!" well I'm glad I changed my mind about being Glamour Angry because that does not go with the choice I made next which is to do Crying Little Patterson Girl with big puddles of tears under her eyes, I thought that would make people feel more sorrier for me, and I said, "Well guess what, it just happened!"

There's more but I will tell it tomorrow, I think it is dramatic-like to stop here, besides, I am sure Paul will want to tell his stupid side of the story too.


Liz

Oh, and don't forget, Liz, abt how "In a town of 350 ppl, help just 'happens.'" Mom still talks abt that from when she drove U up 2 Mtig in January 2005: "Those nice northern natives, they're not just noble, they're also so helpful!"

NEway, I'm still mad-depressed abt all this. Candace, shd I just follow the dosing instructions on thoze Wellbutrin samples Gramps slipped me, or is it really really bad 4 me 2 do that w/out a real consult? Oh, an' U know who's totally NOT depressed. Mom. Dad. Mike. Gah, Mike and Dad have even made up a lil "I told U so" song an' dance they do whenev they think no1 else can C or hear. So lame.

Apes

Early and Late

So, Liz wrote sum more abt her Mtiggy visit:

April,

Well the next part of the story is very simple, Gary took me to the principalage and when we got there I saw that Paul's car was in the "driveway," which is a polite way of saying he was parked on the rutty part of the grass since the schoolpersonnelage doesn't really have a driveway for parking, anyway, I told Gary to carry my bags inside and he said, "Anything your heart desires! I am your slave! Devoted to you for life!" and I laughed, he is such a kidder, well Viv heard it and must have thought it was super funny too because she gave him one of those punches that says "you kidder!" but Viv probably really shouldn't do that, she's very strong, Gary almost fell over when she punched him.

Well while Gary and Viv were busy getting my things I went and knocked on the door of the teacherage, which as you know is attached to the schoolpersonnelage, anyway, Susan answered the door, you would have been very proud of me April, this time I am not letting any cheater jerk me around, I didn't even let Susan talk, I just said, "Hello, Susan," and informed her that Paul's car is in her driveway, which is how a prosecutor introduces incriminating evidence in court, then I asked to speak to him and I said please, but it was obvious that I was not being polite, it was said all stern-like, so Susan knew "please" meant "you are busted," but it was weird, it was like Susan didn't realize she was busted, she said "sure" I could see Paul, that isn't how it goes in court, when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against Howard in court, his girlfriend Becky would usually do a lot of screaming in the background, but Susan didn't do any screaming, but I am not going to be fooled, I realize she was just trying to hide her guiltyness from me.

Anyway, then Paul came to the door, that Susan didn't let me into the teacherage told me there must be a lot of incriminating evidence in there, like used-up condoms and empty wine bottles and stuff thrown everywhere, well Paul came to the door and said, "Elizabeth! I didn't think you'd be here until tomorrow!" and I was super annoyed because I couldn't tell if his tone of voice was guiltylike or just surprised, and it was shadowy in the teacherage (low lighting = nasty sexcapades) so I couldn't see Paul's expression, but I put on my best angry, "I caught you" face and said, "Well...I got here a day early," because obviously Paul and Susan were confused about what was going on and couldn't figure that out for themselves.

Then the best part happened, I made my eyes go really wide, like I was so shocked by their behavior that it had drove me kind of insane, not like drooling insane but kill your cheating boyfriend insane, I have been listening to that Carrie Underwood song a lot lately so I know what crazy sounds like, so I tried to look how crazy sounds, if you get what I mean, anyhow, when I felt like I looked like I had just walked in on a murder scene or something I said, "And I see it's already too late!" because Elizabeth Patterson is no fool, she is not going to wait around to be told the obvious, when your boyfriend parks in a girl's driveway and is inside her apartment, you know it is a dirty sex thing, that's just how life is, I have learned a lot by having had many terrible things happen to me over the last few years, anyway, I could tell I did a great job because Paul looked kind of horrified, like, "Oh Great Spirit, I should of known I could never trick Elizabeth Patterson, she's too clever!" and Susan was looking at Paul like, "Oh no, we're busted! She's too good! What're we gonna do?!"

That's all I'm going to say today, when I told Candace, she said this was a disappointing installment in the story but then I reminded her it's only Thursday.

Liz

Oh, hey, wdn't it B cube if it turned out that Paul an' Susan had been planning this gr8, super-secret surprise, w/out cluing in Gary an' Viv? And they led Liz in2 Susan's apt 2 show her this big banner that was all, "Liz, will you marry me? Luv, Paul"? And every1 laffed abt what a big misunderstanding it all was? And Paul was like, "We were gonna get Jesse 2 organize a big party if U sed 'yes'"? And Liz was all, "Oh, Paul, I really shd have called an' told U I was gonna B early!" And Jesse was like, "Yeah, Duh, Goosegirl!"

Aw, who'm I kidding? This is just gonna B bad. Candace, I mite need U 2 hook me up w/sum of that Wellbutrin U were tellin' me abt.

Apes

OMG, here we go

Liz posted a comment last nite abt what happed next w/her visit 2 Mtig:

April,

Well I want to tell you what happened next before somebody else does, which you might think is not too likely, but as I just found out there are lots of people who know more about my private stuff than I know about it, for example Gary Crane, when we were in his truck, driving to the schoolpersonnelage after Billy Strongblood rescued us in the woods, Gary and I started talking, you know how that is, Natives love to talk, even though I noticed one thing, Gary looks a little more pasty white and a little less native than he used to, I wonder what that is all about, maybe he is using that skin bleaching cream I saw on the late-night infomercial when Candace and I were sitting up drinking wine and giggling while Rudy had to work late.

Well anyway, Gary said he didn't know why I was there early but it was okay because the guest room bed actually did have some clean sheets on it which he made it sound like that was unusual and a lucky coincidence, which worried me about Viv's housekeeping habits not being up to Mom's standards, but then he said Viv was baking a pie so I forgot about dirty sheets and started thinking about pie, I was going to ask what kind when I realized that Gary was looking at me like I should say something and I realized he wanted to know why I was there so early.

You would be so proud of me April, I lied like a pro, I said I was sorry to be early (NOT! SURPRISE!) and that I just couldn't wait to get there, notice how I just skipped over explaining why I didn't call, I know you were probably worried that I would mess up the all-important "lying and confusing people" part of your SURPRISE! plan, but I didn't, I was so proud I started to look self-satisfied almost like I do when I put on a seatbelt and I said that I had to hurry up and get in touch with Paul because I didn't want him to be all busy waiting for me at the bus stop in Spruce Narrows tomorrow and you know how it is in Mtigwaki if the phone lines aren't working we might have to use a smoke signal or send a messenger on snowshoes, I love the local native color but it sure takes a long time, and I didn't want the man the Good Witch of the North might want to be my future husband to freeze at the bus stop, so we needed to call Paul, bet you thought I would mess up the tricky "call Paul" part of the SURPRISE! plan too!

Then Gary surprised me a lot, he said I didn't have to call Paul, he was already in town with Susan, which made me upset, I said, "With Susan?" because I was thinking, if he is with Susan in Mtigwaki today how was he going to be in Spruce Narrows tomorrow at the bus stop, I mean he has a car but you know how unreliable cars are in the north, it might of broke down, but then I said "With Susan?" again because I realized something else, something much worser than bad emergency snow planning.

So I asked Gary "With Susan as in 'a friendly visit' or with Susan as in with Susan?!!" and Gary got all shifty-eyed and said, "Well, I think you'll have to work that out with them!" and that confused me, I didn't know quite what he meant by that, because and correct me if I'm wrong but if Paul is cheating with Susan then he's cheating with her, and that's that, but Gary made it sound like me and Paul and Susan could sit down together and decide whether Paul was cheating or not, it was very confusing, and I could see on Gary's face that he was worried I didn't get it, and I kind of didn't understand what he meant but Elizabeth Patterson does not get got the better of, except on sometimes when Eric cheats on her or April tries on her underwear, but even then Elizabeth Patterson knows how to cover up her not getting it, she pretends to get it and makes that pretending convincing by using violence, so with that in mind then I said, "With pleasure," because it sounded good and angry, and I looked good and angry, but in a glamorous way, I don't want to be an "ugly angry" like Mom, I want to be a "glamorous angry" like Dee, that is maybe Mom's one flaw, she lets her nose get too big and her under eye bags get too baggy when she's mad, well, that's not going to be Elizabeth Patterson, let me tell you something, Elizabeth Patterson got a full makeup kit (slightly smoke-damaged) from her sister-in-law for Christmas and she knows full well how to use the "Glamorous Angry" makeup palette that came with it!

More tomorrow.

Liz

Aw, man. Howard, this. This is what I didn't actually wanna say yesterday. This is what I've been afraid we were abt 2 hear. I, I, OH GAH. U C, I just have this ill feeling that the Witch of the North is, like, altering ppl's personalities 2 have Liz's luv life come out the way SHE wants it 2. I have to 2 go lie down. But I can't, I hafta get ready 4 school. I'm so depressed. Maybe the school nurse has sum Paxil.

Apes

Liz uses Paul's full name so she can pun

So, the day after Warren came by 2 offer Liz a heli-ride 2 Mtig, Liz packed in a hurry. While she was packing, I was all, "Man, U get 2 fly 2 Mtigwaki in a helicopter. U R so lucky!!" And Liz sed, "I know." Tho now that I think of it, I don't know Y I was that impressed abt riding in a helicopter. Hm, weird. NEway, as Liz dragged her suitcase an' carried a shopping bag w/gifts an' stuff, she was all, "I wasn't sure I'd B able 2 go--but they remanded the trial until next month--so, I called every1 and they're xxpecting me 2morrow.... But--I'll arrive @ noon 2day." I wonder Y Liz didn't call every1 again an' tell them abt her change of planz. But I'm sure Liz will B mad @ me 4 saying that, cuz she's mad @ me 4 everything I ever say, I totally can't win w/her.

After Liz put on her jacket (the fur-trimmed one that matches Paul's jacket), she sat at the foot of the stairs 2 put on her shoes. While she was tying them, I was like, "Paul won't B happy abt U flying w/Warren." And Liz actually sed, "If Paul Wright is concerned abt Warren, then he is totally wrong!" See what she did there? She totally used Paul's first and last name only so she cd make a lame Patterson pun. I mean, it's not like I need 2 B reminded what Paul's last name is, eh? And as Liz was walking 2 the door w/her suitcase an' her shopping bag, I thot, "Right!"

U know what? have a v. v. bad feeling we're being set up 4 sum1 2 make a horrible pun abt how "Sometimes Mr. (W)Right is Mr. Wrong." God, I feel sick just thinking abt it. I don't know what wd make that happen, but I sense it leads 2 Liz an' Anthony 4ever. Which wd totally give Mike an orgasm and make me ill. Sorry, Mike, but I'll B blunt. I DO NOT LIKE ANTHONY.

Oh, and BTW, Mike, if U R so smart, Y do U not know that in 2001, I was ten, not 11? I was born in 1991, remember? 1991 plus ten equals 2001.

Dunc. Pink lamp, green shells. Becky, do U have NE of thoze chainz left over? Zandra, I think we mite need 2 chain up Dunc 4 his own safety.

Apes