No Gentle Breaks
So, once Liz had taken off her jacket, Mom got her 2 sit @ the kitchen table an' pour her heart out. Just Mom and Liz, understand. I was back 2 being "April who?" and lurking on the sidelines. As I peeked my hed in2 the kitchen, Liz buried her face in2 her hands and wailed, "Warren knew Paul was seeing Susan! That's U he offered 2 fly me 2 Mtigwaki a day early!" Then Liz sat up an' I crept in2 the kitchen as she went on w/"I thot it wd B a nice surprise--but it was awful, Mom! Paul was @ Susan's apt!" Mom was all, "Y didn't he tell U he was C-ing sum1 else?" Liz was, like, "He planned 2... When he picked me up @ the bus. He sed he was going 2 break it 2 me gently." Mom put a hand on one of Liz's hands and sed, "Honey.... ...There's no such thing." 4 sum reason, hearing Mom say that made my eyez bug out like a speed freak.
Mike, 4 heav's sake, stay out of the rec room and don't knock my things on the floor. I had all my homework organized on the couch cuz I have NO. WHERE. ELSE. 2. PUT. IT. It took me an hour 2 put it back in2 the rite order after U did that. If U want 2 watch TV, U can do it in the living room. U don't have 2 displace me even more than U already have. That does it, I'm training Shiimsa 2 guard the rec room!
Jeremy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 2 not answer yr post yesterday. I wasn't mad @ what U sed when Ger an' I were discussing what does and doesn't count as cheating. And thanx 4 the warning abt Shannon. I did find her and get her 2 put the teapot away.
Apes
Mike, 4 heav's sake, stay out of the rec room and don't knock my things on the floor. I had all my homework organized on the couch cuz I have NO. WHERE. ELSE. 2. PUT. IT. It took me an hour 2 put it back in2 the rite order after U did that. If U want 2 watch TV, U can do it in the living room. U don't have 2 displace me even more than U already have. That does it, I'm training Shiimsa 2 guard the rec room!
Jeremy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 2 not answer yr post yesterday. I wasn't mad @ what U sed when Ger an' I were discussing what does and doesn't count as cheating. And thanx 4 the warning abt Shannon. I did find her and get her 2 put the teapot away.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Liz, Mom, Mtigwaki, Paul, Susan, trying to be wise, Warren
posted by April Patterson @ 7:54 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:17 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man, Apes, y r u trying 2 tempt me w/ free movies when Im trying 2 study? I cant concentr8 on exams neway. I think Zeds pissed @ me & I dont no y. I think Im a gr8 bf. I have 2 think of sumthing rilly special 4 her 4 VD, will u help me?
L8r.
At 10:09 AM,
April Patterson said…
sorry abt that dunc, i took that part out. what happed was i was having hella-many 'puter probs this morning, spending like 1.5 hrs trying 2 get that post in. i ended up using an e-mail acct @ lycos, and the e-mail acct stuck the ad abt free movies on2 the end of that post!
i'd b glad 2 help u w/valentine's ideas. how 'bout we talk abt it during lunch?
ger wants his fone back, so gotta hurry an' post this now!
apes
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I think I know the reason hearing mom say there is no such thing as a gentle break-up, made your eyes bug out like a speed freak. I have seen dad’s eyes when he drives and he’s speeding, and they do look a little freaky. As for your situation, I think the difficulty would be in comprehending the idea that a Patterson woman would ever be rejected in favour of another woman. After all, you have been dating your boyfriend steadily since 2003, and in all likelihood you will marry him and make babies, and never experience rejection in your entire life.
Even our Lizardbreath has never truly been rejected by one man for another until now. When Liz was with that awful Eric Chamberlain, he didn’t reject Liz. He was just greedy and wanted more than one girlfriend. When Anthony Caine married that Quebecoise woman, he was not rejecting Elizabeth. When Anthony proposed, he had somehow gotten into his head that Liz would stay with Eric Chamberlain forever. Thankfully, that mistaken thought was finally corrected. And the helicopter pilot, Warren, has never truly rejected Elizabeth, since he continues to carry a torch for her, even after he has dated other women.
Even I, your humble brother, have never truly been rejected by a man before and I am not even a Patterson woman. I am sure that you had your freaky eyes in reaction to the concept of Patterson woman ever getting rejected by anyone. It doesn’t seem possible, does it? And yet, there is one possibility which will help you understand it. I hate to broach the subject with you, because it may be too terrifying. However, I think you are old enough to understand it.
Little sis. There are people in this world who are mentally ill. Their brains don’t work properly and they can’t make a proper or logical decision. There are also people in this world who are incredibly stupid. Their brains simply cannot comprehend the most basic elements of our world. I am sorry to say our sister’s most recent constable boyfriend must be both of these. I know you have met him and I think you liked him. It’s sad to think someone who has actually dated our sister and spent a little time with our family is a crazy, stupid person; but there it is. That is the only explanation that fits, I am sorry to say.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m glad ur takin’ on duncan & his vd gift ideaz 4 zandra larson. he shud b studyin’ like the rest of us & worryin’ ‘bout relationships aftah xxamz r ovah. i had my tutoring session w/zenobia barnaby @the learning resources centre in the library yesterday, which is the same tyme zandra duz hers, & duncan wuz constantly in there botherin’ her ‘bout sumthin’. i wuz gettin’ irrit8ed myself, wen zenobia told him 2 leave (she used a different word) cuz he wuz interruptin’ my tutorin’ session. zandra looked kinda relieved wen zenobia stepped in. in my opinion, the best vd gift duncan cud give zandra wud b 4 him 2 listen 2 her & not interrupt her w/air guitar moves or ne of hiz othah duncan stuff. i’ve had sum convos w/zandra & she iz rilly nice 2 listen 2. she’z smart & funny & duzn’t talk ‘bout the same stuff most girls do. that wuz my advice 2 duncan, but he kinda blew me off. he seemz 2b more n2 the “wut can i get her 2 make her not 2 pissed @me” thing.
u know i realized i am gettin’ close 2 vd & i don’t have a gf. this cud b a rilly inexpensive year 4 me. i dropped a pile of loonies last year on rebeccah & she broke up w/me neway. i kinda agree w/ur mom. i don’t think there is such a thing as a gentle break-up. wen it comez 2 me, i wud b happy w/a breakup which duzn’t result in scarring. that wud b a gentle breakup 4 me.
At 11:40 AM,
howard said…
April,
Gentle break-ups. I’ve had a few. There was the time when Brenda Starr simply forgot I existed. There was the time Kortney Krelbutz ditched me in Las Vegas. There was the time when Marjee Mahaha and I were vying over Dr. Elliott Callahan and he ditched us both for your father’s dental assistant Jennifer, only to later ditch Jennifer for that surgical nurse, to whom he is engaged. Of course, my boyfriend Ross ditched me after I attacked your sister back in 2005. Those were all fairly gentle break-ups. No shouting matches, or bloodshed, or the loss of body parts. It certainly was not like my break-up with the elephant trainer and the knife-thrower in the circus; when they found I had been with both of them. I don’t want to go into the gory details; but suffice to say, romantic break-ups, angry elephants and people who are lethal with knives at long distances don’t mix very well. Today I can’t even smell blood and elephant meat together without having flashbacks of that horrific day.
But as for your sister and her relationship with the constable, all I can really say is, “I don’t believe for an instant your sister is really sorry she got dumped. She’s relieved.” If I had a hunky constable who was willing to move to be next to me, I wouldn’t be running back home to live with mother. You know I hate Mtigwaki with a passion, but for the right guy, I probably could have put up with a year of living there, until he got his transfer to move someplace else outside of that hellhole and we could move there together. When you get someone great, you do what you can to try not to mess it up. If your sister was being honest with herself, she would realize she should have broken things off with the constable once she decided to move back South. That’s when the relationship truly ended.
Fortunately for me, I have Becky. She may be underage. She may be a woman. She may be studying for exams. Those things may seem like obstacles to most gay men, but I have never been happier. I have to appreciate what I have, because next month is probably going to be prison.
Howard Bunt
At 3:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I was listening to my police scanner and there's a call going out about drunk and disorderly at that dive bar on the highway out of town north, the "Lost Weekend."
Female, 5'9", brown hair and eyes, swollen lips, green Lillian Vernon holiday sweater, extremely intoxicated and using abusive and racist language about First Nations and/or law enforcement, possibly violent.
Should I be going into rescue mode here? I need to know if I should cage up Frannie.
Anthony
At 5:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
I don’t know what April’s answer will be, but if I were you I would stay far away from the "Lost Weekend." My experience with violent women, at least the ones I can remember, all involved varying degrees of concussion from frozen vegetables hurled at my head with lethal accuracy. Just remember, no matter how attractive or easy a woman looks after she has become intoxicated, it doesn’t make up for the ugly which accompanies a hurled, ice-covered, legume rushing toward your unprotected head.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
anthony, i dunno if there is a connection, but liz staggered in2 the house all drunk when i got home fr. school 2day.
howard, i guess it's nice 2 know gentle break-ups r poss.
mike, "speed freak" doesn't have nething 2 do w/speeding, in yr car. but i know u totally know that and u r just playing the dumb, innocent role u like 2 play.
jeremy, that is a v. good pt. dunc, have u tried listening 2 zandra more, and not interrupting w/air guitar? or air bass?
apes
At 10:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It’s interesting you pointed out to me that “speed freak” doesn’t have anything to do with speeding. It was even more interesting the answer you gave mom when she asked you what a speed freak was. I honestly didn’t know “Speed Freak” was the name of:
a. 1990s Electronica musician, Martin Damm’s real name
b. An arcade game from 1978
c. Brand of racecar figurines
Your conversation with mom was quite educational.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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