Mom Sides With the Dogs--Again
The dogs were sleeping. Like always, eh? And Shiimsa pounced and bounced off of each dog's head, so they woke up an' chased after her. Which is such a total repeat of what happed on July 17, 2005, xxcept that time, it was just Edgar, outside, and Shiimsa escaped 2 a tree, where she got pecked by a blue jay. And Edgar actually laffed @ her.
NEway, when Eddie and the Dixie-rat where chasing her, she jumped up on2 a kitchen counter and from there, she jumped up on2 the top of a cabinet. And Mom sauntered up 2 the dogz, all, "4 once, I'm siding w/U guys." Which is totally bizarre, cuz she has not once, not ever sided with the kitty on NEthing. She's alwayz on "Team Dogs." I asked her Y she was all "4 once," and she sed, "What? Well, it soundz better, don't U think?" And I was like, "Mom, I'm not sure what's up w/Shiimsa, but I totally cdn't find her the whole time Liz was away 4 her Mtig trip, and then also over the next coupla weeks, but NO1 but me seems 2 have noticed. Y is that?" And Mom shrugged, all, "The cat is Elizabeth's responsibility."
Poor kitty.
Apes
NEway, when Eddie and the Dixie-rat where chasing her, she jumped up on2 a kitchen counter and from there, she jumped up on2 the top of a cabinet. And Mom sauntered up 2 the dogz, all, "4 once, I'm siding w/U guys." Which is totally bizarre, cuz she has not once, not ever sided with the kitty on NEthing. She's alwayz on "Team Dogs." I asked her Y she was all "4 once," and she sed, "What? Well, it soundz better, don't U think?" And I was like, "Mom, I'm not sure what's up w/Shiimsa, but I totally cdn't find her the whole time Liz was away 4 her Mtig trip, and then also over the next coupla weeks, but NO1 but me seems 2 have noticed. Y is that?" And Mom shrugged, all, "The cat is Elizabeth's responsibility."
Poor kitty.
Apes
Labels: Mom, pets, poor priorites
posted by April Patterson @ 7:07 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Poor kitty. Bah! Elizabeth’s cat has got to go. It’s bad enough she jumps on Edgar and Dixie’s head to wake them up when they are sleeping, but she does the same thing to me and Deanna and I think mom too, as you can tell by her comment. It was cute and adorable when the rabbit did those things to the dogs, because the rabbit couldn’t jump up on our bed and do it to me too. But with a cat, it is just wrong. There is no bed high enough to stop it; and as you know, Deanna and I keep our door open at nights, just in case one of children has a “fire in the house” nightmare; so we are easy prey for this fearsome feline flying fountain of fur.
My children have noticed that the cat and Edgar have developed an unusual gait, where their forelegs go completely under their body, while their hind legs go to the sides completely forward. They run like a deer or an antelope or a rabbit or like someone would imagine a dog or cat running who had never seen one run before. I have no way to explain it, but I suspect it may have something to do with the fact Edgar is missing one of his footpads on the bottom of his feet (something else my inquisitive children have noticed). He has 3 footpads, where regular dogs have 4.
You say you’re the only one who noticed the cat was gone when Elizabeth was gone, but that is not true. You just didn’t ask anyone. It was a blissful time with wonderful, uninterrupted sleep; except for the aforementioned “fire in the house” nightmares. It’s getting to be so bad; I am considering writing a satirical piece which will expose this cat’s foibles to the world, for my weekly column. That will show it. Wait until it reads the article in the Clarion Weekly called, “Knock on Heads.”
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:33 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your story about Shiimsa jumping on the heads of the dogs reminds me of when Becky’s cat did the same thing to Becky’s dogs Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo. It didn’t end well for Becky’s cat. Shiimsa is lucky your dogs are all bark and no bite.
Bad news for me. My trial has been remanded once again. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, said that the court may challenge the legitimacy of the testimony of Warren Blackwood considering he just professed his undying interest in your sister, something he claimed he had given up during his trial testimony.
As for my good friend, and Becky’s half-sister, Marjee Mahaha; she has been distraught over the whole thing. She thought Warren had enough willpower to resist the Patterson allure with the love of a good woman (her), and she was very disappointed to find he doesn’t. After all, how can you marry a man, knowing that he would have a complete character change and that character he changed to was Anthony Caine? Not only did Warren push himself on your sister, just after she had her heart broken by her now ex-boyfriend, but he was responsible for putting Elizabeth in the situation in the first place. That’s an action some would consider beyond the normal effects of the Patterson allure. Marjee has told me several times, that she doesn’t seem to know Warren anymore. The nice polite helicopter pilot she met has turned into a man who expresses his lustful desires for Elizabeth Patterson in thought balloons. She’s caught him doing it often enough, so I think their relationship is all but over.
In the midst of all this, Becky has been busy studying for exams and dealing with fights between her mother and Dr. Ted McCaulay over their wedding date, which Dr. McCaulay puts off every time I am remanded, stating that until my trial is settled, it would be improper for them to marry. As for me, I am content to help Becky study, help her deal with emotions coming from her mom, and of course, working the list of chores for me to do which show up on the refrigerator door.
Howard Bunt
At 9:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, another reason not 2 have pets. thanx 4 that. that wuz an xxcitin’ story. it’s been a month since ur bro’s fire, so i guess he’s not making ne attempt 2 find anothah place 2 move. u didn’t say nethin’ ‘bout how ur sis reacted 2 warren comin’ on 2 her in his helicopter, so i guess ur sis didn’t actually react but shut down & sed nothin’ like usual. & of course, nothin’ on that stuff between u & gerald. u almost nevah write ‘bout wen u2 have a fite. prolly 2 personal 4 a blog neway.
is duncan anderson @skool 2day? i didn’t c him & i usually c him playin’ air guitar in the halls. i saw eva abuya & she sed, “studyin’ 4 xxams iz v. innerestin’ this year.” & that wuz about it. u know u haven’t rilly written much in ur blog ‘bout u @skool since the gym jam, & i am kinda glad u don’t bring that up, but i am beginnin’ 2 wonder if everythin’ u rite ‘bout iz gonna b ‘bout other peeps in ur fam 4 & how u irrit8 them. i wud rilly h8 it, if the gym jam wuz the end of u talkin’ ‘bout ur skool life, az if it wrapped up everythin’ u think peeps mite wanna hear ‘bout u in skool.
At 1:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am sick of the constant anti-cat discrimination, I consulted this "Sue It Yourself" book I found at the bookstore and I drafted a complaint that I am going to present at our next family meeting, this is it:
Shiimsa Patterson, Cat
v.
Edgar Patterson
and
Dixie Richards, Dogs.
Shiimsa Patterson, Cat, complains and states to the court:
1. Cat is a legal resident of the Patterson House (hereinafter "House") on Sharon Park Drive in Milborough, Ontario.
2. Dogs are also legal residents of the same House.
FACTS:
3. Cats are great, they are mysterious creatures with claws and fangs, they are Canada's most popular pet.
4. Cats have a special way of showing love, by clawing you and hiding from you when you want a hug, but then sleeping on your head, remember the head part, that is important later.
5. The Cat in this case was a special gift from a Noble Native boy who is in touch with the Great Spirit, that means that Cat is amazing.
6. Dogs smell.
7. Dogs go poo-poo on the floor.
8. Dogs are stupid.
9. The Dogs in this case were not Noble Native gifts.
10. Dogs have springy heads made for pouncing, this is not just a Cat opinion but also the opinion of a witness, Butterscotch, a Bunny, who has pounced the heads of the Dogs many times.
11. Butterscotch says that it is an irresistible impulse to pounce the heads of the Dogs.
12. Cat concurs.
RESOLVED:
13. It is okay for Cat to pounce Dogs' heads, nobody can complain about it.
14. Cat should get preference treatment over Dogs, since Cat is the queen of noble native beasts.
I think that about covers the whole truth of the matter, don't you?
Liz
At 3:47 PM,
Anne said…
Hi Liz, I think I saw u @ Lilliput's yesterday. Gordie's pic is in Thrasher Magazine, altho he's just in the audience @ last month's Xtreem Games. So he wants me 2 find a few xtra copies while he's recovering from surgery on his jaw, again. Neway Liz, I didn't wave bcause I wasn't sure it was u & I didn't want 2 look like an arse if it wasn't, u know how that goez. So u were in the children's section @ this little kids' table w/red, yellow & blue chairs, and u were reading this big pop-up picture book. It was either "Sue It Urself" or "Little Loudon Learns the Legal System." I think that was the other title.
Neone wanna join me @ Starbucks later? Burned Butt Casserole wants me 2 design more t-shirts 4 them, & I could use sum ideas.
Vicks
At 5:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Liz,
The only solution is to move to a large, mostly unoccupied suburban home where someone with cagemaking skills can design an enclosure for your poor, exhausted, perpetually chased pussy.
Anthony
At 6:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, every1, i've been @ starbucks w/vicks 4 a while, but mom just called me an' yelled @ me 2 hurry home, so i'll hafta do that rite after i post this. vicks an' i came up w/sum pretty cube design ideas 4 t-shirts, i think.
mike, i guess i musta confused "not noticing" w/ "not caring." it's not rite 4 u 2 suggest shiimsa hasta go. having a pet is a responsibility. u don't just dump yr pets when they become inconvenient. i say that as a mayB-future-vet, y'know.
howard, yeah, the warren thing does seem xxtreme.
zeremy, liz sez she is not ready 2 say what else happed during her heli ride w/warren, and she's not sure if she ever will b. i think i'll b writing other stuff abt what happs @ school, but i have a bad feeling ppl will wish i didn't, iykwim.
liz, y'know, i agree the anti-cat stuff in our house is just bad. i hope mom doesn't have one of her typical reactions. like:
a. cancel family meeting rite after it starts
--or--
b. stop the meeting rite after u read that and say it's, like, between u, the cat, and the dogs 2 work out yrselves.
At 6:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, don't listen 2 anthony. cages r bad!
apes
At 9:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
APRIL,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE "CAGE PROBLEM." I AM GOING OVER TO "THE WALRUS"'S HOUSE NOW TO SHOW HIM JUST HOW A CAGED CAT FEELS ON THE INSIDE THROUGH A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL "INTERPRETIVE SLASH."
OH GREAT, LOOK AT ALL THE PARENTHESES I USED! I MUST HAVE CAUGHT IT FROM THE IDIOTS MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND LIVES WITH. THE BLONDE BIMBO WITH THE LISP IS A PARTICULARLY EGREGIOUS OFFENDER.
ANYWAY, BACK IN A FEW HOURS.
ANGRA MAINYU
At 9:31 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, OMG, Im so tired wait till I tell u WTF
At 9:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,
HOW I ENJOYED YOUR INTERPRETIVE BALLET. SUCH INSPIRATION, SUCH EXECUTION, I HAVE RARELY SEEN.
WOULD YOU JOIN ME FOR THE APRES BALLET, CHEZ PATTERSON? SWEETBREADS ARE ON MY MENU. YOU HAVE TOLD ME MANY TIMES THEY WON'T MISS THEM.
LOVE ALWAYS,
FAUSTUS
At 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
DEAREST FAUSTUS,
NOT TONIGHT, MY LOVE. I AM TIRED FROM MY EXERTIONS WITH "THE WALRUS." TOO BAD THAT UNUSUALLY OVERGROWN BABY OF HIS KNEW HOW TO DIAL 911. NOW MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND WILL PROBABLY HOOK UP WITH HIM AFTER ALL. OH WELL, MAYBE THEY WON'T HAVE HIS BLOOD TYPE AVAILABLE FOR A TRANSFUSION.
I DO NOT THINK IT IS THE RIGHT TIME TO RAIN CARNAGE DOWN UPON THE PATTERSON MANSE. SOON, MY LOVE. VERY SOON.
WITH LOVE, ANGRA MAINYU
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