Newsflash: Dogs pee on trees

We're back in the present, @ least 4 2day, but U will B so bored, U mite hardly notice. Mom and Dad went 2 Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, and bought a new tree 4 the yard. The Lakeshore guys delivered the tree, and rite after Mom and Dad put the new tree in the ground, and mounted the supports 4 it, Edgar decided this was a good time 2 break in the new tree by peeing on it. U know, dog logic: new, unmarked tree in the yard. Let the other doggies know whose tree it is. Then Mom and Dad yelled @ him 4, like, behaving like a dog. And he got so confused, he collapsed next 2 a coupla older trees and thought-bubbled a red "?".

During all this, Dixie may or may not have been locked in a cage, where it's EZer 4 Mom and Dad 2 4get that they have a 2nd doggie.

Apes

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes

A boring story I already told U

Welp, I already told U abt 2day's story 2 wks ago, when Mom accidentally released it as an alternate story. Here's what I told U then:

Mom just informed me that, for some reason, we have an alternate story to discuss 2day. She sez ppl haven't seen or heard abt the pets in so long they R starting 2 spread rumours that she tossed them in2 the basement 4 the entire winter. NEway, yesterday, Eddie went outside 2 dig up bones and composted garbage. When Mom was "SCRAPE, SCRAPE, GLOPP, SPLTT-ing" dog food in2 Eddie's bowl, I joked that she needn't feed him cuz he'd decided 2 eat out. Get it? "Out?" Yeah, I know, that was totally unfunny and I need 2 get out more. Plus I was having a "fugly" day, w/my hair titely bunned in that propeller 'do and me wearing a pink top and purple pants Mom picked up @ the mall on clearance and insisted I "try" cuz otherwise she wasted $5.99.

Then, when Mom realized her goof, I added:

Mom sez she goofed and we R prolly gonna B discussing this doggie story again two wks from now. Sorry abt that. Mom may or may not have stopped feeding Dixie.

Mike tried 2 get me 2 withhold the story until now:

April,

Formerly little sis. You are not supposed to talk about Edgar digging up bones in the back yard, until Mom and Dad have had a chance to deal with those bones, if you know what I mean. Mom is right. Wait until April 20. That should give them enough time to dispose of the...um...bones.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Well, it was boring the last time I told U abt it, and it's still boring now. Sorry, peeps!

Apes

How NOT to cut hair

Mike has sumthing 2 share w/U all. The good news is that it's from the present. The bad news is that it's this:

April,

Formerly little sis. Although it seems like my wife, the lovely Deanna, never has any hair grow on her and her perpetual bowl hair cut, the same cannot be said of my son. I know I had hoped that growing up, he would be like I used to be, with the receding hairline that caused me to bear more than a casual resemblance to that of my good friend Linus van Pelt. However, my son’s hair did not meet that expectation. It grew, and it grew enough so that my wife finally took him to a hair cutter.

I know that some people might say that over 3 years old, my son should have been going to haircutters regularly for some time; but those people do not understand the peculiarities of Patterson hair. When you think about it, April, how long has it been in your very own blog where you mentioned going to the hair salon for a hair cut or a change in your hair style? I am sure it has been months and months. Patterson hair just doesn’t grow that often or that quickly.

Deanna took my son to the Studio Salon next to the Video Store in the Milborough Mall. She had been forewarned that she might need to take a toy to distract him, while the haircutter did her business; but unfortunately no one told her that it was a good idea to give the toy to our son to distract him. As she told the story to me about her waving this toy around, while my son flailed about, it was pretty obvious what the flaw was. However, I restrained myself from mentioning it as Deanna recounted how a little storm cloud appeared above her head. Shortly thereafter, Deanna and my son left the salon doing the standard Patterson “wave goodbye while you are a few steps away from the doorway”. The haircutter stood at the store entrance and waved, which Deanna attributed to being “nice” and I attributed it to being the least busy haircutter (thus explaining her incompetence with my son).

Later that night, as my son lay sleeping, a mysterious creature approached my son in his slumbers. A creature armed with a pair of scissors. Yes, it was my lovely wife, Deanna, determined to give my son a haircut without him knowing. She had decided to rely on her knowledge that my son is not very light sleeper. She “CUT CUT CLIP CUT cut CUT” away at his hair on his left side with tiny two-fingered scissors. As my son briefly, “SNORK!”ed, she pulled away with caution, fear, and what appeared to me to be a deformed right hand. I have often noticed that of all the body parts of the Pattersons, which frequently appear to be deformed, the hands and fingers are usually the first to go.

Then as my son rolled over to his right side with a “MMFFF SNORK MMM SMACK SMACK, ZZZZ” sound, my lovely wife Deanna hid behind the protective gate on his bed; so that he wouldn’t see…I mean hear…That doesn’t work either. Could it be that she was trying to use the gate to block the air flow between her and my son, so that he wouldn’t catch her scent in the air?

She approached him again and “SNIP cut clip CUT CUT cut cut” on his right side. Deanna finished just before she went into a silhouette, which would have made seeing a little more difficult. My son reacted with a “SNORT UMPH SNZ”, and my wife hid behind the gate once again.

This next time, my son had moved so he was lying on his back with his face directly forward. I approached from behind in silhouette, as I heard the sound “CLIP, SNIP, CUT, CUT CLIP, CUT” and assumed from the sound and the fact I saw my wife with the scissors in her hand, these sounds came from her haircutting. However, looking more closely, I noticed Deanna was bent over. I began to suspect those sounds had come from some other source than haircutting. In other words, Deanna had been cutting something other than hair. Also, I noticed that Deanna was pointing her left hand fingers to my son as if she had him in some kind of magic spell.

She told me that at this point she thought “DONE!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she had completely missed the back of my son’s head. However, my son, the sound sleeper, had slept through it all, including when Deanna said out loud, “READY!” to me. That was my signal to pick up my son so that Deanna could collect all the hair cuttings in his bedsheets and replace the bedsheets with new clean ones.

Even as I lay him back into his bed, all he managed was a “SNRK” to indicate he knew anything had happened to him. This bolstered my wife’s confidence, and she said to me, “Tomorrow night I’ll cut his toe-nails.” This left me with a gobsmacked look on my face. After all, she had not tried taking my son to a nail salon before suggesting this.

He’s only a few months older than 3 years. I am beginning to wonder if it’s too early to think about toenail-cutting for my son. He may be too young. After all, April, when is the last time you can remember having to cut your toenails?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, it is v. cruel of U 2 ask abt when was the last time I changed my hairstyle. U know v. well abt my hair curse, which has been demostr8ed 2 U so even U had 2 admit it was true. No matter what I do w/my hair, it goes in2 the stupid bun I almost always have. Every once in a while, I get a v. brief reprieve, like when I got 2 wear my hair down 4 Gym Jam, or when I got 2 wear it down with just the front strands pulled back, on the day Liz called me "picky face." As 4 my toenails, I have 2 trim them all the time. I just down blog abt that, cuz it's a v. boring topic.

Dee needs 2 get Robin used 2 having his hair cut and toenails trimmed when he's awake. I remember from babysitting Paul and Rosemary Mayes that they resisted this stuff @ 1st but they got used 2 it. Cuz Tracey didn't resort 2 handling it all when they were sleeping!

Apes

Edit: Mom just informed me that, for some reason, we have an alternate story to discuss 2day. She sez ppl haven't seen or heard abt the pets in so long they R starting 2 spread rumours that she tossed them in2 the basement 4 the entire winter. NEway, yesterday, Eddie went outside 2 dig up bones and composted garbage. When Mom was "SCRAPE, SCRAPE, GLOPP, SPLTT-ing" dog food in2 Eddie's bowl, I joked that she needn't feed him cuz he'd decided 2 eat out. Get it? "Out?" Yeah, I know, that was totally unfunny and I need 2 get out more. Plus I was having a "fugly" day, w/my hair titely bunned in that propeller 'do and me wearing a pink top and purple pants Mom picked up @ the mall on clearance and insisted I "try" cuz otherwise she wasted $5.99.

Second Edit: Mom sez she goofed and we R prolly gonna B discussing this doggie story again two wks from now. Sorry abt that. Mom may or may not have stopped feeding Dixie.

Filling up the hungry an' stuff

Hey, so when I was getting ready 2 leave @ the end of my recent visit w/Gramps and Iris, Iris sed, "I wish U didn't have 2 go." As I put on a boot, I was like, "Yeah, but Dad's* coming 2 pick me up, an' I've got stuff 2 do." Iris sed, "I know." Then as I was walking out the door (w/Dixie, BTW, I 4got 2 say I had her w/me all that time), Iris put one hand on my back and sed, "Well, thanx 4 the visit." I sed, "NE time. And Mom will B here 2morrow, OK? She's going 2 bring supper, so B hungry!" Cuz, U know, she didn't want peeps saying I'm the only one who visits. And Iris sed, "Oh, we'll B hungry! Yr mom's cooking is worth STARVING 4!!" I felt a bit sad that she felt the need 2 kiss up 2 Mom's cooking, but I thot, "And we'll try 2 fill U up!" Cuz I was thinking abt metaphorical starving, like 4 company and attention. With "we" meaning me and Dixie, of course. Mom's trying 2 fill them up means stuffing their maws w/gross casseroles.

*Sorry 2 say that this mite mean that 2morrow's entry mite B devoted 2 my car convo w/Dad. This mite also bleed in2 Saturday's entry, but I hope not next wk (cf "after the telethon"). BTW, Liz was borrowing my car, since she took hers in 4 service (xxcuse 2 hang out more @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill) and Mom blithely volunteered mine. Suxx 2 B me.

Apes

Dog Days of Mom and Dad

Did U all C Mike's parting shot 2 me last nite, in the comments? "Although, knowing how your writing as been lately, you will probably find something even duller, like dogs scratching themselves as a topic. It's what comes from associating with Amazon River parasitic water life." That is so unfair! Mike wrote that AFTER he'd been on the other end of a fone call from Mom, screeching abt fleas and dogs and Dad. So he KNEW that wd B my topic 2day. And who is he 2 criticize my writing, considering his cruise thru memory lane.

So, yeah, this is abt the dogs. Mom suddenly noticed that they were scratching a lot, so she gave 'em baths and put flea collars on them. Then, shortly after that, Mom noticed that DAD was scratching like crazy, while playing with his trains. Mom and Dad didn't come rite out and say that Dad got a flea bath, too, but I did notice he's got a flea collar around his left ankle.

Apes

Dog Days of Mom

Yesterday evening, Mom shook her hed and was all, "April, U know what I was just thinking?" And I was like, "That if U put a bunch of farm animals on a ship, and the ship hit rough waters, all the animals except the bulls would fall over, and then the farmer wd ask the bulls how they kept their balance, and one of the bulls wd xxplain, 'We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down'?" Mom laffed w/her tung sticking out, and she sed, "No, but I luv that!" I sed, "Yeah, I figured." Then she sed, "I was just thinking 'The DOG days of summer.' B-cuz all day long, Edgar and Dixie have been whining 2 get out. Then when they get 2 hot and thirsty, they come in 2 drink sum water, and almost rite after, they want out again! I'm so sick of opening and closing that door!" I asked, "Y not just put a water supply outside 4 them, so they don't hafta come in 2 drink?" Mom sed, "That wd attract mosquitoes, and we'd all get malaria! Don't they teach U NEthing @ that school?" And I sed, "In that case, Y'd U never get Mike 2 drain the kiddie pool @ the old house? That's a much bigger mosquito magnet than a couple of doggie bowls wd B!" And Mom was all, "Well, that's MICHAEL!" As if mosquitoes have special respect for his belongings. ::rolleyes::

Apes

Dad's an oldster

Well, U know how Mom an' Dad have been acting like they're 80 yrs old, w/1 ft in the grave an' the other on a banana peel? I mean, really, there R times when Gramps just seems way younger than them. NEway, I was thinking abt all that this morning when I was looking out the windows an' C-ing Dad playing catch w/the dogs. Mom came along, and I was all, "Yeah, what they say is totally true! Pets R a gr8 thing 4 the elderly!" I sed that last bit while walking away, but I totally sensed that Mom had a gobsmacked look on her face @ that mo. MayB she'll talk 2 Dad an' they'll re-think their big hurry 2 B old, old, old empty-nest types, eh?

Jeremy, U did a gr8 job DJ-ing @ Luis's Cinqo de Mayo party last nite! BTW, I didn't want U 2 get stiffed so I took up a collection fr. all the guests last nite while U were loading up yr equipment. I'll B dropping off the envelope l8r this AM. Honoria, don't worry abt the dirty dancing. It threw off our sets cuz Ger wd stop drumming and start flailing and yelling. But it was kinda amusing 2 C the vein throbbing in his neck!

Apes

Not asking

Liz sez that after the fone call w/Warren, she went back 2 brushing Edgar. Mom loped in and was all, "Who called? Was it yr friend Warren? Is he coming 2 C U?" Liz tellz me that she didn't answer Mom, she just continued 2 brush Eddy while thinking, "Mother, don't ask. Do not ask." Mom leaned her forearms on the counter and asked again: "Is he coming 2 C U?" And Liz thot even harder, "DO NOT ASK!" Mom carried on, kinda Dadlike: "He's a nice boy, but inconsistent, don't U think? He can cancel a d8 @ the last minute and it doesn't seem 2 bother him.... Does it bother U?" Liz's answer 2 that was 2 throw her head back, unhinge her jaw (kinda Momlike), and let out a huge AAUGHH. Liz stormed off, and, according 2 Mom, this caused her [Mom] 2 think, "I shdn't have asked." Ya think?

Jeremy, I C that U met Gerald's lil sis, Honoria. She xxplained that she's @ our old middle school now cuz she was expelled from that boarding school she useta go 2? So I hear she's having sum trub adjusting 2 public school.

NEway, yeah, my convo w/Ger was def interesting. He kinda got down on his knees an' groveled, asking me 2 forgive him 4 "not being there when [I] needed him" this wkend," and even tho I tried 2 assure him he didn't needta apologize, he took out this weird leather whip and kinda whipped himself on the back. Luckily the caf monitor took the whip away from him. Of course, now he hasta C the school counsellor this wk.

As 4 Mike's 2 articles in the Clarion, the one abt U being "converted 2 good" (and getting the Corbeil cert. 2 go w/that) and the one complaining abt Portrait mag's new direction, U can just know that Mike totally read that stuff out loud 2 all of us. I hadta bite my knuckles 2 keep from LOL-ing super-hard @ that second one! (U C, if I'd laffed, Mike wda stopped and asked me 2 xxplain each laff. And it wda taken him like 4-6X as long 2 read the thing 2 us. So better not to laff.)

Apes

A filler story abt the pets

Mom was complaining that Liz feeds Shiimsa 2 much, and I told her that doesn't sound likely cuz Shiims is lookin' pretty bony. Mom got pretty insisty abt it, like, "But U shd have C'n that food bowl, sitting empty on the floor, only moments after Liz brought up the food." I'm all, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, 4 one thing, if Shiimsa gobbled her food quickly, Y wd that mean she's being overfed? Wdn't it make more sense that if she were that hungry, mayB she were being underfed? And besides, didn't it seem a lil odd that the bowl was on the floor? Liz feeds Shiimsa up on that desk, 2 keep the food away from the dogs. Mom didn't really say NEthing, just kinda stared @ me w/that annoyed look of hers.

Then I sed, "Hey, I know! Y don't we check that security cam Liz set up in her room cuz she's paranoid abt all of us messing w/her stuff?" Mom seemed like she was getting ready 2 object, but then I guess she got curious, and we went.

We had 2 ff'd past a buncha shots of Liz clutching her bunny and crying, Robin and Merrie coming in and throwing the bunny @ ea other, Mike coming in w/a tape measure and measuring the dimensions of the room, Dad coming in 2 kiss a picture of Anthony, stuff like that. But then we got 2 sum stuff from earlier that day. We saw Liz carrying the catfood in2 the room and dumping it fr the can in2 the dish. We saw Shiimsa hop up, give it a quick sniff, and then jump down w/out eating NEthing. THEN! A bit l8r, we saw Edgar and Dixie appear, w/wide-eyed, stoopid xxpressions on their doggie faces. We saw Eddie putting his front paws up on the chair and sticking his face in2 Shiimsa's food dish. Then we saw him knocking the dish on2 the floor, where Dixie finished up, and Edgar licked up the food bits from the floor. Then they both were all "LICK LICK LICK" all over the floor. Then, a bit l8er we cd C Mom coming in, finding the empty dish on the floor, and scolding Liz.

So, mystery solved. Liz, U need a better system 4 keeping the catfood away from thoze dogs.

Apes

This one's 4 the DAWGS!

So of course we got 2 that part of the walk where Dad totally gawks over the teeny-tiny train house [George Stibbs's house for those w/Mikelike impairments]. And since Dad has a thing abt pretending that this isn't his entire reason 4 going on the walk w/me @ all, and acting like we just happen 2 B passing by it by accident, I was all, "There's the little house U like, Pop!" And he, all casual like he wasn't even going 2 look: "Uh huh." Then I was thinking abt how I know Dad has been chomping @ the bit the buy that place 4evs but Mom hasn't allowed that 2 happen, so I decided 2 take another approach 2 uncrowding our living sitch: "Hey, I just thot of sumthing!" "Just" is a bit of a stretch but this is communic8ing w/DAD. U need a strategy. Then I went on w/"Mike an' Dee shd buy it! They're gonna get $25K soon--they cd move here an' B rite down the street fr. us!!" Then, I leapt up in the air, all, "WOOOO HOOOO!!! I'm so totally smart!! I surprise myself sumtymez w/my own brilliance!" Then Dad went silent and I went eyeless, so I went, "What?" Cuz I cdn't C NEthing. And when my eyez came back, I saw that I'd kicked up snow on2 Dad an' the doggies. As soon as the doggies shook the snow off of their fur, they looked up @ Dad & got this total gleeful look, the kind they get when they R inwardly laffing, like @ Buttsy or poor Shiimsa. And I know they musta been thinking sumthin' like, "LOL, how do U like it, PUN BOY!" I'm pretty sure I caught them high-fiving when they thot no1 was lookin'.

NEway, my big "Wooo Hoooo" leap was pretty lame, but I've learned I've gotta do sumthing ostentatious 2 get Dad's attention, yo.

Apes

OMG, I encouraged him!

More on my doggie walk w/Dad the other day. And sorry abt this and possibly the rest of the week. We'll hafta C how this all goez.

The dogs spotted a squirrel up in a tree and went nuts barking @ it. The squirrel ended up dumping a buncha snow on2 the dogs' heads, and Dad was all, "Sumtymez, it's better 2 B barking up the wrong tree." And I actually laffed. W/a big ol' muppet mouth. Y, y, y did I do that? I know it only encourages him, and it wasn't even funny. It's like that crayzee force was controlling me again!

BTW, when Liz read yesterday's entry, she remembered that when I was five, I asked her Y Eddie had 2 sniff everything, and she told me abt dogs using smell 2 identify ppl an' other dogz, cuz every1 has an individual smell. And she sez I went an' sniffed Dad! I'd 4gotten all abt that.

Now, I know what U mite B thinking. All this dogwalking is gonna lead 2 Dad salivating over that stoopid teeny-tiny train house. Well, I'll let you know l8r in the week.

Apes

Smell phone?

I think Dad is slipping. I know Mike is gonna disagree, cuz that's what he does when I say NEthing even a little bit like this, but it's true. U know I h8 the punz NEway, but they usually follow certain rules, and by the usual standards, what Dad sed 2 me on a recent dogwalk just doesn't make it.

U C, we were out walking Edgar and the Dixierat. Dad was walking Eddie and I was stuck with the 'rat. The dogs were sniff-snuff-sniff-snoofah-snurf-sniffa-snooff-whuffl-snerff, snoof-snerfa sniff-snufflsnf, whuffa sniffa sniff-snerfing @ everything, so I was all, "::tsk:: Y do they have 2 sniff @ totally every single thing we go by?" And insteada realizing this was a rhetorical question, Dad was all, "That's how dogs keep in touch with ea other, April.... ...Smell phone." C what I mean? Not "smellaphone," but "smell phone." Much lamer than the usual sooper-lamosity, eh?

Apes

That's Y I'm their favourite!

Yesterday was hella snowy an' gloomy. I thot it mite B a good idea 2 pay a visit 2 Gramps an' Iris in the afternoon, so I went over there w/the Dixierat, sed my hellos, gave Gramps a big kiss an' hug, and told Gramps what's been going on w/the band l8ly. I described Dunc, me, Eva, an' Luis all lined up singing 2gether while Ger drummed behind us. And Dixie tried 2 jump up on Gramps's lap, which he luvs it when she does that. As I was leaving, Iris was all, "Thanks 4 the magic, April." And I was all, "....What magic?" And Iris sed, "2day, U made the sun shine." Awww.

Apes

Downsizing

I was staying over @ Eva's house last nite, an' Mom called an' pretty much begged me 2 come home. I cd tell the main reason was she was tired of dealing w/the pets. Tho contrary 2 the impression Mike mita given U yesterday in the comments, I was NOT letting them starve. Even tho I was sleeping elsewhere, I came by every day 2 make sure they got fed, the dogs got walked, and Buttsy's cage was clean. BUT Mom sed the pets were getting "clingy." NEway, like I was saying, I cd tell that was Mom's main reason 4 wanting me 2 come home, but she tried 2 make it sound like she actually missed me. And she made Mike promise 2 stop calling the rec room a "storage closet." I asked abt taking some steps 2 actually get me back in2 MY room, like getting Mike out, and she sed not 2 worry, things R gonna fall in2 place soon.

NEway, so I came back 4 brekky this morning. Mike told me he'd been 2 distraught 2 write an entry last nite, b-cuz what he'd B writing abt was 2 painful. This got Mom's interest, so she asked him what that was all abt.

Mike: Mom, that awful, thinning-haired, buck-toothed publisher, Mr. Gluttson, has determined that "despite indications of reasonable growth," he sees room 4 "further economizing" 4 Portrait magazine. He called a meeting to tell us that he wants 2 make our "publication" more "profitable," Mom!

Mom: Does that mean he's going to be downsizing?

Mike: Mom, how prescient of you to ask! That is exactly what I asked him! No wonder we get along so well when you edit my manuscript and act as an all-around mentor. A mothering mentor! A mentoring mother! A meretricious. . . .

Mom: Mike, could you answer the question?

Mike: Oh, yes, of course, Mommy! That's the killer, see? He turned that ugly face to me, and he said, "No.... You will!" Me, Mommy! Mr. Gluttson wants ME to downsize!

Mom: Hmph! Well, what can you expect? He's ugly and his name is Gluttson! You can tell that suggests he's greedy and gluttonous!

Mike (sighing): I know, I know! But what am I going to do?

Mom (excited): Well, get a note pad, write out the names of all your employees in one column, and in the next, write out everything they do during the workday! I'll help you figure out who the dead weight is!

Mike: I knew I could count on you! I'll go get a note pad!

And that was that. They're in the living room discussing Mike's staff now.

Apes

Hostile Environment

So, U remember the setting. We (me an' Mom) were in the kitchen and Shiimsa (aka ANGRA MAINYU) was up on top of the cabinets. And Mom was stressing cuz she was xxpecting Shiims 2 use the fuggo curtains 2 climb down. I learned a bit abt kitty behaviour from helping out @ the vet clinic in Winnipeg last summer, so I knew that Shiimsa was more likely 2 jump down than 2 try climbing down, which is much less practical from a kitty-cat pt of view.

When Mom had taken a coupla steps back, I went up close 2 the part of the cabinets where Shiimsa had wedged herself, and I whispered, "ANGRA MAINYU, this TOOPID who calls herself my mom is so toopid that she thinx U'd rather risk getting yr claws all tangled up trying 2 climb down the curtains face-first insteada making a nice, clean jump. How 'bout we show this TOOPID how a real cat hops down from a high surface?"

After I sed that, I saw this look in Shiimsa's eye like she was glad sum1 was on her side 4 a change. Then she made a graceful leap from the top of the cabinets on2 the counter just in front of me. As I cd feel Mom lookin' @ me from behind, all shifty-eyed and resentful, I picked up Shiimsa and sed, "Come on, Shiimsa, let's find a less hostile environment."

I took her over 2 the rec room, where I've been sleeping since Mike an' Dee took over my room, post-fire, and I thot, "Man, the rec room is a mess. Deanna's Mom piled a bunch of stuff in here, there's no place 2 put my clothes or my homework.... Until Mike finds a new apartment, I'm condemned 2 live like an outcast in the dungeon of the house. But I shall survive." While I was thinking that last part, I cd suddenly feel Mom's gaze on the back of my head, cuz she'd sidled up 2 the rec-room door. And she was all, "April, U cd tidy up a little! How can U stand living in all this clutter?" Shiimsa hopped down 2 find a cozy hiding place away fr. my mom, and I suddenly burst in2 tears, over what Mom had just sed. I was crying so hard that my eyez scrunched shut, my mouth opened real wide, a big puddle of tears came out of my left eye, while my rite eye caused, like, a tear-drop fountain, so there were tears springing up in the air in a line starting under my chin and going up, in front of my face and around to the crown of my head. Weird, eh? I felt like Shiimsa wasn't the only one who needed 2 find a less hostile enviro, eh?

Apes

Mom's BIG Mouth

Mom was standing in the kitchen, looking up @ Shiimsa on the cabinets, and totally pinching her face like she was smelling a bad smell. I walked up B-side her and sed, "She'll come down on her own, Mom." And Mom was all, "She'll climb down my curtains." I tried 2 B helpful by saying, "Oh well.... We need new curtains NEway." Which was apparently not v. helpful as far as Mom was concerned, cuz she, like, had this tiny little explosion in her head, I think. I cd C motion lines on either side of her hed, and five tiny little bubbles, like, popping over the top of her hed. Then she unhinged her jaw and scrunched her eyez shut, getting ready 2 YELL @ me in that famous way of herz, and insteada just running away like most ppl, 4 sum reason I was all, like, compelled 2 look an' think, "Whoa! ...I can C all her fillings!" She has a lot, yo. I wonder if she mas more than she really needs cuz Dad needed sum1 2 practice on when he was 1st starting out w/the dental stuff.

NEway, it looks like it's gonna B a pets week. But there's sum stuff U shd know abt Shiimsa, which U mite not if U're kinda new 2 the blog. Shiimsa's been having kinda, like, an affair w/Dunc's cat Faustus. She doesn't call herself Shiimsa, BTW, she calls herself ANGRA MAINYU. She kinda like takes over Liz's brain sumtymes and posts here @ the blog. So U'll C a post that sez it's Liz posting, but it's in all caps, and it's signed ANGRA MAINYU. Faustus does the same thing via Duncan. So, like, the kitties were posting 2 ea other here last nite. First, Shiimsa/ANGRA MAINYU was all:

APRIL,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE "CAGE PROBLEM." I AM GOING OVER TO "THE WALRUS"'S HOUSE NOW TO SHOW HIM JUST HOW A CAGED CAT FEELS ON THE INSIDE THROUGH A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL "INTERPRETIVE SLASH."

OH GREAT, LOOK AT ALL THE PARENTHESES I USED! I MUST HAVE CAUGHT IT FROM THE IDIOTS MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND LIVES WITH. THE BLONDE BIMBO WITH THE LISP IS A PARTICULARLY EGREGIOUS OFFENDER.

ANYWAY, BACK IN A FEW HOURS.

ANGRA MAINYU

Hee! In case you didn't guess, "the walrus" is Anthony. Then Faustus was, like:

MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

HOW I ENJOYED YOUR INTERPRETIVE BALLET. SUCH INSPIRATION, SUCH EXECUTION, I HAVE RARELY SEEN.

WOULD YOU JOIN ME FOR THE APRES BALLET, CHEZ PATTERSON? SWEETBREADS ARE ON MY MENU. YOU HAVE TOLD ME MANY TIMES THEY WON'T MISS THEM.

LOVE ALWAYS,
FAUSTUS

And Shiimsa-ANGRA replied:

DEAREST FAUSTUS,

NOT TONIGHT, MY LOVE. I AM TIRED FROM MY EXERTIONS WITH "THE WALRUS." TOO BAD THAT UNUSUALLY OVERGROWN BABY OF HIS KNEW HOW TO DIAL 911. NOW MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND WILL PROBABLY HOOK UP WITH HIM AFTER ALL. OH WELL, MAYBE THEY WON'T HAVE HIS BLOOD TYPE AVAILABLE FOR A TRANSFUSION.

I DO NOT THINK IT IS THE RIGHT TIME TO RAIN CARNAGE DOWN UPON THE PATTERSON MANSE. SOON, MY LOVE. VERY SOON.

WITH LOVE, ANGRA MAINYU

See, the real action around here is with the kitties, eh? Stay tuned!

Apes

Mom Sides With the Dogs--Again

The dogs were sleeping. Like always, eh? And Shiimsa pounced and bounced off of each dog's head, so they woke up an' chased after her. Which is such a total repeat of what happed on July 17, 2005, xxcept that time, it was just Edgar, outside, and Shiimsa escaped 2 a tree, where she got pecked by a blue jay. And Edgar actually laffed @ her.

NEway, when Eddie and the Dixie-rat where chasing her, she jumped up on2 a kitchen counter and from there, she jumped up on2 the top of a cabinet. And Mom sauntered up 2 the dogz, all, "4 once, I'm siding w/U guys." Which is totally bizarre, cuz she has not once, not ever sided with the kitty on NEthing. She's alwayz on "Team Dogs." I asked her Y she was all "4 once," and she sed, "What? Well, it soundz better, don't U think?" And I was like, "Mom, I'm not sure what's up w/Shiimsa, but I totally cdn't find her the whole time Liz was away 4 her Mtig trip, and then also over the next coupla weeks, but NO1 but me seems 2 have noticed. Y is that?" And Mom shrugged, all, "The cat is Elizabeth's responsibility."

Poor kitty.

Apes

I'm a HORRIBLE Auntie!

Yesterday evening, Dee set up Robin in his hi-chair, put his dinner dish on the tray, and left him there. By himself. All alone.

I heard sum giggling coming from the kitchen, so I went in 2 investig8. I found Robin was tossing food down @ the dogs, and they were GOBBLE-SLUPP-EAT-CHEW-GULP-SLUPPING it up. Which was making Robin shriek and giggle. And I don't know if it was from being around sum1 so yung, but 4 a moment, I cd swear I cd feel my nose reverting 2 a button nose! This happened while I was yelling, "Oh, come on, Robin.... Cut it out!" When that didn't work, I was all, "No! Stop feeding them! Eat yr dinner!!" OMG, M I already turning in2 MOM? Y was I yelling @ my nephew?!?!

Then I took his dish away, and he let out a huge, red-orange "SHRIEK!" And I had what I thot was a brilly idea, but soon I realized it was a totally sucky one. I put dry dog food in Robin's bowl, and I brought it 2 him saying, "Fine then.... Let's go all the way." I'm pretty sure I had this smug, closed-eye look when I said that. And I put the bowl down. He looked totally intrigued and started to EAT THE DOG FOOD! And B4 I had a chance 2 get that bowl away from him, Dee came in, her hair looking more bowlish than ever, and asked me, "What did U put in his bowl, April?" And as he ate it, all "Munch?" I told her, "Dog food." And she had this gobsmacked look on her face. And this time, I can't say that I blame her. I totally didn't think he'd eat it, yo! I thot he'd keep feeding the dogz, C? But still, I shda known better. I am a horrible, horrible aunt! I'm sorry, Dee and (erp!) Mike!

Apes