Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"

Next, the screen went blank and then just had text projected on it: "THE EXTENDED FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES OF THE PATTERSONS CONTINUE TO LIVE AND GROW, LOVE AND LAUGH AND EXPERIENCE LIFE AS WE DO... AS IF PART OF A COMPLEX NOVEL, WHOSE PAGES ARE CAREFULLY CRAFTED AND THEN TURNED BY ANOTHER HAND." Then the screen lifted up.

Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!

Apes

Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

Holding on tight

Well, the day is here. This will B my last premonition B4 I can start telling U abt stuff that already happened. Tho U know it'll take me prolly all of next wk 2 tell U the rest abt 2day.

Robin will B rite @ the front, as ring bearer, w/Francie and Merrie standing side-by-side behind him, all ready 2 do their flower-girls stuff. When the music starts, Robin will just stand there like a deer in headlights, so I'll hafta step out of line 2 go up 2 him, put a hand on his shoulder, and say, "U're the leader Robin. Go ahead, now... the music has started." The rest of the line-up behind us will be Dawn, then Shawna-Marie, then Candace, and finally Liz and Dad.

As Liz and Dad R starting down the aisle, Liz will B like, "This is it, Pop. We're on our way." And Dad will go, "Hold on tight." While Dee squints @ them from the bride's side of the seats, Liz will tell Dad, "Don't worry. I can do this. I'm totally calm." And Dad will B all, "I know... that's Y I want U 2 hold on tight!!" Yeah, whatever.

I was sure I'd wake up 2day being able 2 tell U abt Liz and Antman xxchanging their vows, but all I've got is this? Oh, well. Gotta get started. I guess Connie's prolly helping Mom get dressed rite abt now. And I hear Dad calling 4 me 2 help him w/his tux. Man, w/all those premonitions I've had, 2day is gonna B full of déjà vu 4 me!

Apes

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?

Apes

Cliffhanger?

Sum more I woke up knowing abt Liz's wedding day, which is now three days away: Merrie will go, "Is this a real limousine? The kind movie stars use?" Really, Merrie, not even six years old, and THAT'S what U're gonna ask? Then Francie will B all, "How long B4 we get 2 the park?" And Robin will ask, "Will there B lotsa ppl?" And Merrie will wanna know, "Can we ride this 2 the reception?" And sitting next 2 Liz, I'll B sharing her POV, which will B that w/Francie and Robin squished 2gether on one side of the limo (Liz's left), and Merrie on the other (w/Candace and Dawn directly across fr us), it will seem like a teeny-tiny interrogation panel, as all these question will B directed @ Liz.

Then they'll switch off 2 sumthing else. Francie will B like, "My dad is gonna marry yr auntie, so that makes us stousins!" And Robin will go, "Stousins?" Francie will say, "Step-cousins! 'Stousins.'" OK, obviously, this will come from a grown-up telling her this. Even a 3yo w/"advanced verbal skills" won't come up w/that on her own. The only question is, "Which grown-up put that idea in her head?" My guess is Anthony. Wouldn't most normal grown-ups tell a little 3yo girl in this sitch that her new stepmother's niece and nephew were gonna B her cousins, and just leave out all that "step" stuff? That just seems nicer, don't U think?

Well, NEway, after Francie sez that abt "stousins," I guess sumthing will click off in Robin's brain, cuz then he'll B all, "Stousins! Stuzzins! Stooba gooba stubba nubba stousa loosa steeba deeba."

Suddenly, Liz will emit a huge, "STOP!" And this will cause Francie 2 B all, "Erp?" And Robin will B like, "Oop!" And a huge shadow will completely conceal Shawna-Marie, so U can't even C her silhouette. And I don't know whether Liz's outburst will just B Liz freaking out abt stopping Robin's chatter, or sumthing bigger like "Stop the wedding." The bigness of the "STOP!" has me thinking it's sumthing more than "Robin, stop being annoying," tho that cd B part of it. Like mayB it will dawn on Liz that there is no way she is ready 2 B a stepmother.

But I guess there's a gd chance that'll all come 2 nothing. Guess I'll know more 2morrow. Sorry abt the cliffhanger.

Apes

Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride

So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"

Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."

Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.

And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.

Apes

P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)

Dee, kids, and Mira

Weird. I woke up realizing I hadn't had another precognition abt Liz's wedding day, 23 August. But then I came over here, checked the comments 2 last nite's blog entry, and found that patrickrsghost had had a psychic dream abt it! Here's what he wrote:

After eating a large hot fudge sundae last night, I had a strange dream.

I was sitting in front of my TV, and it suddenly came on. I saw an image of a living room that I didn't recognize at first, until I realized it was the living room of your old house, Mike and Dee's house. I saw three kids dressed in teal and lavender clothing, and when they came into focus, it turned out to be Merrie, Frenchy, and Robin. They were chasing each other in the living room (are Mike and Dee still in the same house your parents once owned? I didn't recognize that portion of the living room), with Merrie saying "SHREIK!" and Frenchy saying "GIGGLE!" while Robin chased her, reaching out to grab her. Dee came into the room and said "Robin, Francie, and Meredith! Stop running around!" The camera then panned to a different view, showing the back of them, and Dee escorting them into an adjoining room. She then said "You're going to get dirty. Sit down and behave your-selves." Yes, she did hyphenate "yourselves". They then began playing with each other on the magically colour-changing couch, that turned itself teal to match the girls' dresses, and began to NUDGE. BOP! POKE! and GIGGLE!. The camera then panned away and went back onto Dee and Mira, and Dee said, "Mom, all I want to do is keep them clean and calm until after the wedding!" Mira then replied, after putting a hand on Dee's shoulder, "I'll help with that, dear." She then walked into the room with the Teal Couch and after losing her eyes, she looked down at them, held out a bowl, and said, "Here...have some candy." while Dee looked in on them all gobsmacked. That's right Mira. Calm them down and keep them clean with lots of sugar.

NE1 think it's strange that my brother's mother-in-law was invited 2 my sister's wedding? I think the reason is moments like this one that patrickrsghost described. Sum1 figured we needed a "villain," eh?

Apes

And now we're on "HOME" again

Liz is here. She just told me abt a recent convo she had w/Anthony, and I was gonna write abt it here, but as soon as she saw me write my title, she was all, "No, no, no, April! I can tell already you won't do this right! Let me write this." So I'm turning this over 2 Liz again.

Apes

Hello, April's readers. This is Liz. April can't be trusted to tell you my story properly. Or in the nicest colours and fonts. I'm feeling like deep purple today, aren't you? Well, if you're not, that's too bad, and you're a picky-face just like April!

Anyway, Anthony and I were sitting on the steps of his back deck. Frenchy was playing in the yard, with some toys she'd brought outside. Anthony asked me, "Any second thoughts?" And I said, "About getting married? No. I love Françoise, I love your family, and I love you!" Then I said, "I had such a crush on you in high school... and now after all this time, I have another chance." Shut up, April! April is reading this over my shoulder and she said, "Crush in high school? You were always breaking up with him, planning to break up with him, or at least wondering if you could do better. Then you'd only get back together with him after you had a panic attack about being boyfriendless." See what a picky-face? Forget what you think you know about me and Anthony in high school. Now it's "I had a crush on him." Got it? Good.

Anyway, after I said, "I have another chance," Anthony said, "Me too... Another chance." We both avoided the ugly subject of his first marriage. Then I said, "No more running way. No more searching for something that was right here in front of me--all along." And Anthony said, "Elizabeth?" Then he threw his arms around me, kissed me, and at the same time, said, "...Welcome home." Isn't that romantic? Shut up, April, it is so! And I don't know how he managed to say that while kissing me, he just DID! Martian! Quit rolling your eyes! I'm gonna tell Mom!

Liz

Painful Punning

It turns out one of the reasons 4 Mom's visit was 2 infodump Gramps re. the wedding plans. While Mom was still sitting on the floor in front of Grandpa Jim's chair, she was all, "I'm glad Iris decided 2 visit her son, Dad. I've been wanting sum time alone w/U. I haven't been keeping U up-2-d8, but now I can tell U what's going on in our lives." And Gramps went, "Yes!" How odd, U'd think Mom cdn't keep Gramps' "up-2-d8" when Iris is around. It's not exactly classified info.

NEway, Mom went on w/"The wedding is all planned. We're having it on August 23rd." Hm, don't U think Gramps wd know that from having received an invitation? Or mayB he was one of the 10 non-RSVPs and Mom assumed that Iris threw away the invite and never told Gramps abt it? Sorry, I'm digressing again. Mom continued like this: "Elizabeth is going 2 look lovely in Mom's dress*, and Anthony's uncle is supplying formal wear 4 the men!" Don't U think the detail abt Anthony's uncle supplying formal wear is a weird thing 2 include? Y shd Gramps care abt that? Or mayB Mom feels the need 2 show how little this bride and groom actually had 2 pay 4. Found dress. Don8ed flowers. "Supplied" formal wear. What else?

Next thing Mom said was, "April's going 2 sing! Wait 'til U hear her! Michael's writing a wonderful speech [groan], the children R all in the wedding party!" Then Gramps is supposed 2 have thot, "I guess U cd call this a 'glow-by-glow' description'!" Y Gramps? Glow by glow? What has Mom done 2 his brain?

Doug McKenzie, in answer 2 yr question, we do have taverns in Mboro, but I don't know if that's what made Dad l8 that one time in 1980. He sez he doesn't remember the incident. I can't believe it--he's had lots of head trauma over the years.

Apes

*That's NOT Grandma Marian's dress!

Bribezilla?

I'm just gonna turn this entry rite over 2 Liz, who is already hanging over my shoulder and trying 2 think of a made-up errand 2 send me on. Brace yrself 4 her blinding wedding colours.

Apes

Ha, smartypants April thinks she knows everything. I'm not going to use my wedding colours today. I'm going to use the colour scheme I'm thinking of using to redecorate the master bedroom after I marry Anthony and move into the house. And shut-up to all of you who keep telling people I already have. I am NOT that kind of girl (anymore), I still have my own apartment with a cat, and no one can prove anything!!

There, isn't that pretty? This would be the main colour, and this would be the accent. April is so mean, she asked me if I'm colour blind when I showed her my swatches. That's almost as bad as how her mean friend Shannon Lake is always asking if I've been evaluated for special needs. I don't know how April gets such mean friends!

Well, anyway, I have a story for you! It's one of those stories that shows that Anthony is JUST LIKE DAD, and therefore PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

Anthony, Frenchy, and I had just finished our shopping, and we stopped at that outdoor greasy-spoon place where Pattersons who are not April like to have greaseburgers. Anthony and I were both having wraps, because those are "in" right now, and we all had fries. Frenchy asked me, "I get to be a flower girl when you get married, don't I!" And I told her, "Yes, Francie--you and Meredith will be flower girls." Frenchy asked, "Who gets to go first--me or Meredith?" And I cleverly told her, "Robin goes first because he's the ring bearer." This was so distracting, Frenchy never got the idea to ask who got to go second. Instead, she asked, "Why can't I carry the rings?" And I told her, "Because you'll be carrying flowers!"

Then I got this brilliant idea. It just hit me out of the blue, and I couldn't wait to say it: "And if you and Robin and Meredith are really, really, really good... I'll have a very special gift for you when the wedding is over." Anthony leaned over towards me and said, "Here comes the bribe!" I held my french fry mid air and felt my face getting that "gobsmacked" look, which is the perfect look to get when someone "zings" you with a pun like that. I thought, "Wow, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing DAD would say." And I felt SO proud of Anthony. Though part of me felt he was kind of, oh, what's that vocab word I was supposed to teach my grade fours in the last week of school? Oh, right, "undermined." Especially since he did that right in front of Frenchy. Oh, well, Mom told me that's what I need to get used to as a wife and mommy.

Liz Almost-Caine

Accepted by [his] daughter?

Well, Liz tried 2 "trick" me again this morning, w/another made-up errand, but I told her there's no need, she can write abt her lame, disturbing trip 2 the grocery store w/Antman and Francie all she wants. I can use the time 4 sumthing else. K, so I'm turning this over 2 Liz.

Apes

Hmph. I might give her an errand anyway. I like putting April to work! Anyway, I liked my fancy wedding-colour text so much yesterday, I'm going to do it again, except I'll make it mostly violet with teal accents. Because I haven't decided which colour I'll emphasize at the wedding!

Ooh, pretty! Let's see. So Anthony and I took Frenchy grocery shopping. And because I'm going to be her new Mommy, and Anthony is the man, he went to browse in their hardware section while I took her up and down the food aisles.

In the cereal aisle, Frenchy asked, "Can I have some sugar cereal, Elizabeth?" And I said, "Let's get healthy stuff today, OK?" She followed that up with, "Then... Could I have some candy?" I could have pointed out that candy isn't "healthy," but if I did, she might remind me of that the next time she sees me eating candy, and also, Anthony lets her keep a giant candy drawer in the kitchen at their house, so I said, "You have candy at home."

A minute later, she said, "How about a toy?!! I haven't had a new toy for a lonnngg tiiiiime!" And I said, "Not today." That's when she started pulling at my hand and going, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!!"

So I bought her a toy, and after we checked out, Anthony caught up with us, and I told him, "I've been accepted by your daughter, Anthony....She's started to NAG me!" I said this right in front of her. Was that wrong of me?

Oh, and I'm so good, I got our groceries and Frenchy's toy in fabric "Green Sacks." Not paper OR plastic. I am wonderful! I wonder where I can get Anthony a nice "This house saves water" sign.

Liz

Dizzy

Hey, there, foax, there's not 2 much going on rite now, just.... Oh, w8. BridezilLiz is here and she's yelling 4 me again. I'll B rite back.

HA! It's me, Liz! I sent April out on an errand because I knew she'd be logged into her blog, and I want to tell you a sweet, sweet story that will FORCE you to like Anthony! Oh, but first let me change this boring text. I want the text fancier. And in my wedding colours!

Much better, don't you think? I don't know why people say violet and teal are not a nice combination!

Anyway, Anthony and I took Frenchy to the park recently, for a picnic. Isn't that sweet and quaint? After I lay down the blanket, Frenchy insisted, "Swing me, Daddy! Swing me!!" So Anthony grabbed her by both hands and swung her so fast, she didn't seem to have legs the whole time she was swinging. She seemed like a torso. It was a little scary, but very SWEET, April. Sweet! Then, suddenly Anthony was so dizzy, he had to let go and sit down. He had a little twister over his head and dizziness bubbles and specks around his head, too.

And silly Frenchy, she asked, "Why are you stopping? ...I'm not dizzy yet!" See how charming? Don't you and your cold-hearted friends just LOVE Anthony now? You'd better love him! Even though he hasn't helped out with the wedding, which is women's work anyway, so don't be mad at him for that, Mom and Dad say you're not allowed!

Liz (NOT BridezilLiz!)

Oh, man, I can't believe Liz just did that! What a freak! But, oh, well, that lame story is what I was going to tell you about anyway, so I guess I had 2 spend the time on Liz's lame errand instead of Liz's lame story, eh?

Apes

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Connie 4got me, 2!

Continuing the convo they had while gardening, Connie pushed the shovel in2 the ground w/her foot, 2 make holes for seedlings, and told Mom, "U can baby-sit yr grandchildren w/out being overwhelmed, El. U just have 2 set sum limits!" She didn't continue talking until after she and Mom were ready 2 put the seedlings in2 the ground, @ which pt she continued, "U've got 2 have time 4 yrself, rite? U've DONE yr job as a parent!" [No, she hasn't! ME! Still here!] They put the seedlings in silently, then they both got up and Connie sed, "Let yr kids find OTHER baby sitters 4 their children--and just help out when it's really necessary!" Mom wiggled the back of her head and sed, "That means leaving my babies w/strangers!!"

Yeah, whatevs. I'm just tired of ppl 4 getting I'm still only 17 yrs old and I xxist and all. But I guess I'm kinda used 2 it. Jeremy's Mom is letting me stay @ their house 4 a while, and so far I don't think Mom has noticed. She hasn't tried 2 call me or NEthing.

Apes

Liz clues in the Ant

I got an e-mail from Liz, and this is what she sed:

April,

I know some of your nosy readers want to know about when I talked to Anthony about having the wedding this summer. Not that it's any of their business, but I don't want anyone spreading mean lies about me.

Anthony and I took the kid to the park again, and we let her run way, way ahead of us on the path. I was thinking that maybe she'd get lost and I'd keep Anthony distracted and he'd forget and I wouldn't have to worry about being a stepmother after all. So I told him about wanting to move the wedding to this summer.

Anthony said, "I thought we might wait until next year, Liz--But sooner is fine too!" I said, "It's because of my grandfather's health." Anthony replied, "I understand! We could get married tomorrow, next week, next month..." We turned to face each other, and I put a hand on each of his elbows as he put a hand on each of my upper arms. I told him, "I don't want this wedding to be big or lavish or complicated, Anthony." Anthony is soooooo in sync with me April. He said, "Neither do I." Isn't that just AMAZING? We are soooooo meant for each other! I don't even have to THINK about it!!!

Frenchy came up to us, and we did that thing where each of us takes one of her hands and she kind of swings between us. Anthony confessed, later, that while that was happening, he was thinking, "But weddings are like Woodstock.... Sometimes, They take on a life of their own!"

Oh, and for those of your meanie readers who complain about my hair being in a bun almost all the time. During this time in the park, I had my hair down, with a beautiful, wide headband! So there!

Liz

Yeah. OK. Whatever.

OMG, I M still kinda shaking over that scary-arse xxperience Jeremy an' I had in that alternate universe we found in the crawlspace. I was, like, shellshocked when I sed that stuff abt the ppl there being friendly and helpful. Scary and depressing is more like it! Jeremy, that is NOT my destiny! Not for sure! I think this must B like A Christmas Carol. That will only come true if I let it. If I don't take measures to make sure it never, ever happens. I need strategies 2 make sure it never does. Please help me think, Jeremy! U 2, Duncan. I M sure U don't want that 2 come true, either! MayB we all hafta make sure we never go back 2 Mboro after we leave 4 uni. I mean, if we're not in Mboro, there is no1 2 think big noses on us wd B "funny," 4 xxample. We cd live in, like, Halifax, Nova Scotia and have small noses, rite! Help, guyz!

Oh, BTW. Jeremy, his mom, stepdad, step-sis, and I R all traveling 2 Syracuse, NY 2day. 4 sum reason, his step-dad's grandmother lives there, and she is having a special celebration 4 her 100th bday! I won't have my fone w/me, cuz Mom commandeered it 2 lend 2 Liz cuz she lost hers and Mom sez she needs 2 B in constant contact w/Liz during wedding-planning logistics or whatevs. Jeremy mite B able 2 post, tho, assuming he has reception in Syracuse.

Apes

Ending without beginning

Liz sent me another e-mail, ppl, and it went something like this:

April,

Not that it's any of your business, but I know you need something to blog about other than how Dad used to get depressed about being a dentist. So I'll tell you some more about what happened the last time Warren dropped by my apartment. Some people are saying that I shouldn't have encouraged his stalkerish behaviour by letting him into my apartment, but they don't know what they're talking about. I know Warren, they don't, so I know how to handle him in my own way.

Warren was holding my left hand and looking at the shine rays coming out of my ring. He said, "Wow. Engaged." I told him, "I'm going to marry Anthony Caine." Then neither of us said anything for the amount of time it took for me to make coffee, pour it into two mugs, with cream and sugar, and bring the mugs over to the coffee table, as Warren settled onto a seat.

Then, he picked up our conversation where we'd left off: "He's the guy with the kid, right?" It took me a second to realize he was responding to my telling him I was marrying Anthony. I answered, "Anthony has a daughter. Her name Françoise. " April, aren't you proud of me for saying "Françoise" instead of "Frenchy"? Anyway, I continued with "He and I have cared for each other for a long time. It was a friendship that grew into.... a lot more." Notice I never mentioned the part about dating in middle school and high school and breaking up after our first year of university. I didn't want to confuse him. Warren said, "So. It's over between us." And I looked at him all wide-eyed and said, "Warren--it never began!"

Ha! There! That'll answer all those mean people who keep saying I act as if Warren and I have had some big relationship when we barely had off-and-on dating, yet I was always expecting him to fly in to Mtig when I lived there. But anyway, I said it. "It never began!" Criticism deflected!

Liz

Whatevs, Liz. This still doesn't answer Y U acted like U did B4. Especially when it was pretty clear that Warren thought you were dating and then his going to Yellowknife made U all pissy, so U decided 2 ask out Anthony. And U never bothered to tell Warren.

Apes

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes

Mom and Connie use "horse" metaphors

It had been a while since Mom and Connie sat around sipping hot beverages and being annoying, so Connie came over, Mom made coffee, and they sat @ the kitchen table 2 gab.

I cd hear Connie say, "I'm so jealous, Elly! U're going 2 B a 'mother of the bride'! ...I'll never C Lawrence married. Not in a conventional way. Oh, he and Nicholas cd tie the knot, but it wdn't B the same. No white dress, no tossing the bouquet." Hrm, even if Lawrence were str8, Connie wdn't B the mother of the bride in that wedding. Tho I guess when her stepdaughters, Molly and Gayle, got married, they were chopped liver. Poor Francie, if she gets married sumday, will Liz not think that "counts"?

NEway, Mom jumped in w/"Still...Just knowing that yr child has found the rite partner is wonderful. They're settled. The circle is complete." The circle is complete? Wha? I peeked in and saw that Mom was looking esp. uggo when she sed that. She almost looked wall-eyed when she did. And her eyes also looked way 2 wide open. Connie went in2 silhouette 2 say, "Yes..."

Then Mom and Connie traded, so Mom was in silhouette and Connie wasn't, and Connie continued, "I'm happy 2 hand the reins over 2 the next generation." And Mom was like, "Me, 2...." Then Mom got outta silhouette 2 say, "....As long was we still own the horses!!" Connie looked kinda horselike when she laffed @ that. Wow, so is Mom a control freak or what? What does her "joke" mean--she wants 2 control her kids, like, 4evs? Is this like when Mom sold Lilliput's 2 Moira but made a pt of saying she still held the mortgage on the bldg? I'm a bit scared thinking abt what-all this means.

OTOH, Mom obvs is in a hurry 2 get rid of me. MayB once I'm @ uni, she'll 4get me so completely, I won't even B xxpected 2 come home 4 school breaks, like Mike and Liz did.

Thanks 4 yr nice words yesterday, Anon NYC. I try 2 B "real."

Apes

What's Liz been Tokin'?

Liz is still telling that story of hers from 3 wks ago. Here's her l8est e-mail:

April,

I'm taken! I love being taken!

On that night a few weeks back, when Anthony and I discussed getting married and then had a tea party with Frenchy, Anthony had me help him tuck Frenchy in when she went 2 bed in her top bunk. Anthony has heard from a lot of people who say that's not safe for a 3-year-old, and he just says that "child safety" stuff is mostly a bunch of bunk. (Ha, geddit?) Anthony is so wise!

So, where was I? Yes, tucking in Frenchy at bed time. As we stood next to her bed, Anthony said, "Good night, sweetheart." And Frenchy said, "G'night, Daddy and Elizabeth." I didn't say anything. I was too worried about my hairline, which felt like it was receding.

Once we were out in the hallway, I said, "She was pretending we were a family tonight.--That's great!" Anthony said, "Yes. I think everything's going to be fine." Then he put an arm around me and said, "We just can't be in a rush, that's all." My heart sank, but I remembered Mom advising me to play it cool when Anthony says this kind of thing, so I said, "Anthony, I'm not in a hurry to get married. I'm just glad we've talked about it."

Then he turned to face me, putting another arm on me and positioning us like we were going to start square dancing. And he asked, "Should we look for a ring?" I said, "Yes. I'd like that very much." Then I hugged him, and even though my face felt very, very badly drawn, and the hand that Anthony had in the middle of my back felt like a hooky claw, I thought, "A ring!!!--The token that says 'I'm taken'!" Ha, see what I did there? April, make sure Mike sees!

Liz

Liz, please just put the words down and stop trying to play with them. Thanks!

Apes