Famous But Lonely

After the telethon, U'll remember Dad drove 2 the telethon 2 pick up Eva and me. When we dropped off Eva @ her house, she was all, "Thanx 4 the ride, Dr. P! Have a good trip out west, April!" And I went, "Bye, Eva!" Then, as we were driving home, and Dad was looking scary w/his disheveled hair and 4 AM shadow, I decided 2 distract myself from how disturbing he looked by talking 2 him abt my convo w/Becky. I was like, "Becky came and talked 2 me @ the telethon, Dad. We went 2 the food court 4 coffee. She talked abt her band. She talked abt her father. As her manager, he's arrogant and controlling. He won't speak 2 her mom... and he's jealous when she does. She misses her mom. She's on the road so much she has 2 take 3 grade 11* courses over again. She's sed she was lonely. But she's FAMOUS! She must have a MILLION friends. How can sumbody famous B lonely?" And Dad replied, "...She's talking abt the PERSON inside the performer." And I glanced over @ Dad, feeling kinda bad 4 him. He was so tired, he really thot he'd made a pun there. Then Dad sed I really need 2 watch E True Hollywood Story more often, so I can see fame does not necessarily = happiness.

*U may B wondering how it is Becky is retaking 3 grade-11 courses when we just finished grade 10. Well, when I tried 2 ask her Y she'd sed "grade 11," she started 2 answer, but then a buncha kids with bad, gappy teeth showed up asking 4 autographs, and we got sidetracked.

Apes

After the telethon, I punned lamely

Dad drove over 2 the mall when I called him @ 4 AM. I was like, "Thanx 4 coming 2 pick us up, 'Pop'! The telethon's still going, but we're wasted!" Luckily he didn't pick on my poor choice of words and ask what we were wasted on. Dad was like, "No problem! ...I'm always awake @ 4 AM. We watched yr duet on television, and yr mom called in a pledge of 50 buxx!" I turned an looked over my shoulder @ Eva, saying, "We made sum money, Eva!" She just looked kinda resentful abt having 2 sit all alone in the back. I wanted 2 sit in the back w/her, but Dad was all, "There is no way U 2 R both sitting in the back as if I'm yr chauffeur!" Parents. NEway, Dad was like, "Yep! U 2 sang like there's no 2morrow!" And w/my lack of sleep, I popped out the first punny, stupid thot that popped in2 my hed: "Dad... There IS no 2morrow! It's already 2day!" Which is idiotic, since even that "2day" had a 2morrow." Dad had this look on his face like he was prolly popping a storm-cloud thot bubble out the top of the car.

Howard, sorry I hadta wield the frypan when Becks was still playing my "Gems" game on Playstation after midnite. 'Course that didn't do it either, only that call 2 Dunc and his promise 2 send Becky her own copy of the game did the job. Well, I DID say the game's like crack, eh?

Apes

No1 else wants 2 play choo-choos

Yesterday, I got a package from Dunc! It had a Playstation game in it, a game called Gems, which is apparently only available in Barbados. It's like a knock-off of Bejeweled, but made for Playstation. I figured I'd pop it in our unit and give it a try, esp. since Dad was outside getting his new model-train layout set up, so it was gonna B one of those days.

Sure enuf, as soon as I was getting really in2 playing this new Gems game (warning: it has that same "crack" effect U get from Bejeweled!) Dad was there @ my shoulder, in his embarrassing choo-choo overalls and cap (bad enuf he plays w/toy trains--he also hasta play dress-up as a train engineer). He was all, "April! Wanna come outside an' C what I'm doing w/my trains?" (Note 2 Mike: Yes, Dad sed "an'.") I was all, "No thanx, Dad... I'm on a roll!" 'Course he didn't just take the hint and move on, instead he was totally "U've gotta C my new workshop! I've got it all organized!" And I sed, "OK ... MayB l8er."

Then Dad grabbed the fone, and I guess he figged that since Mike lives down the street from us now, he's available for "look at my choo-choo" calls, LOL. I heard Dad saying, "Hey, Mike! Wanna check out my new layout?" Then I heard him pausing and sounding sad as he sed, "Oh. OK. Sure. I'll call 2morrow......... 'Bye." Watch out, Mike. That means Dad will call U 2day! Have U prepared an xxcuse not 2 come look @ the choo-choos this time?

NEway, I heard Dad making a coupla other calls:"Steve! --It's John Patterson! What? Hey-- no problem! Go 4 it! Get a hole in 1 out there, buddy!" After his call 2 Steve Nichols, he even got out his address book 2 call sum guy Dave that he barely knows: "Dave! Wanna come over? No? Well... Say 'hi!' 2 the grandkids 4 me!"

L8er on, Mom cdn't find him when supper was ready, so she went out 2 the back deck, and she found him sitting on the steps looking mopey. When she asked him what was wrong, he was all, "::snort:: ....I've got nobody 2 play w/."

BTW, during the time when we were making our plans 2 move and actually moving, I got a lot of v. supportive e-mails from peeps who understood Y I was upset abt how my fam had been handling our move. Lots of U wrote "Yr dad had better make good on his promise 2 renov8 the basement in2 an apt 4 U--if that's what U want, NEway!" Well, as U can tell, that didn't happ. The 1st thing Dad did after we were unpacked and had the basic repairs dun was 2 start working on those idiot trains and his choo-choo workshop. Tho I guess I wasn't xxpecting diff. MayB hoping a lil bit, but not xxpecting. Oh, well, next month I go 2 the farm! And tune in 2morrow, prob 4 more on that telethon.

Edit: Oops, I didn't C the last few comments 2 yesterday's post until after I published this entry. Shannon, sum ppl tell me that keeping everything in while acting "nice" is not v. "nice" @ all, but passive-aggressive instead. But when I talk 2 ppl abt what bothers me, I will try 2 B nice abt it. Jeremy, I will try an' pretend U didn't imply that I tell things boringly. Honoria, U're welcome 4 my Ger-Chihuahua house call yesterday. I'm glad I had sum samples of worm meds from Laura's vet clinic. I won't repeat the thots Ger had rite B4 he passed out, cuz I know how much U value bein' a lady an' all.

Apes

2 good?

After Eva an' I were dun w/our song @ the telethon, Shannon came up 2 me backstage and was all, "April... U guys ... were awe...sum!" I was wiping off my forehead w/a paper towel and I was like, "Thanks, Shannon!" Then Becky came along and sed, "Nice work, ladies!" And I replied, "Becky! I didn't think U'd stay and listen!" And Shannon sed, "Cool!" Becky went, "Well, sumtymes... I don't listen enuf. ...U guyz rocked! I'd keep yr drummer, but I'd h8 2 split up yr band!" Ger sed, "Hoo! 2nite was a blast!" Becks asked, "Want 2 hang out B4 my next set?" And Eva, stirring shizzle again, was all, "I thot U were 2 gd 2 hang out w/us." And I was like, "EVA!!!" Becky closed her eyes and sed, "Know what? ...MayB I was 2 gd 4 my own gd." And Eva and I looked @ ea other w/gobsmacked faces.

Well, since 2 morrow's change-the-subj Sunday, it loox like I'll B continuing this on Monday. Stay tuned, blog friends!

Apes

Our song

Eva and I sang our song. I won't write out the lyrics, but U can listen 2 the song by going here, then rite-clicking on the link that sez "download it here," then saving the mp3 on yr 'puter.

Even tho I was up on the stage singing w/Eva, I cd hear Becky and Ger talking backstage. I heard Ger's voice asking, "What do U think of them, Rebecca[h]?" And I heard Becky's voice being all, "They're good. They're really good." Ger's voice was like, "That's a compliment!!" And Becky's voice sed, "That's the truth."

That made me so happy. If Becky liked the song, I guess that makes it official that it went over well. Eva and I wrote it really fast, on the way 2 the telethon, and I was afraid that wd B super-obvious and that every1 wd think it was hokey dreck. But if Becks thot we were really good, I feel totally valid8ed!

Howard, I think it's poss the SN kids I had lunch w/all thoze wks ago @ school had sum misconceptions abt the telethon. Like when Shannon sed there were 2 stages and Becky and I wd play on diff ones. That didn't turn out 2 B true. I think when Faith sed that stuff abt providing wheel chairs an' other stuff, she mighta been mistaken. Or winging it. Thanx again 4 the special food 4 Chichuachua-Ger. I have a feeling the Witch won't make him stay in doggie form 4 long.

Apes

Diff But Same

When Becky finished her set, the MC guy was all, "Put yr hands 2gether 4 REBECCA[H]!!" Then, he was like, "Folks! Keep those fones ringing, keep the donations rolling in! --This is hr 4 of the gr8 'Hearts 2gether Telethon'!" Backstage, I went over 2 Ger all, "Gerald, U were gr8!" And Ger was like, "Thanx! U're on next! --Go 4 it!!" Eva and I got on stage, and I intro'ed us, "This is a song we wrote--it's called 'Everybody's Different.' But... Deep down inside ... we're really all the same." From the front row, Shannon and her mom looked up @ us w/luv in their eyes, I think. And Faith, Dylan, Jack, and Grace were clustered behind Shan.

Apes

Breaks and Breakups

More telethon talk. Eva and I were watching Becky's set, and Eva was like, "Rebecca[h]'s sound is so amazing!" And I sed, "That's cuz Gerald is on drums!" Not a diss 2 U Becks, it's just that I'd never heard Ger playing 4 NE1 else, so it just really hit me how good he is! We were heading 4 the backstage area, 2 get ourselves ready 4 our set, and Eva sed, "I wonder what it's like 2 B famous. She must get everything she wants." And I was like, "MayB." Then Eva, the shizzle-stirrer, was all, "What if she wants Gerald, April? What if she wants 2 take him on tour?" Not taking Eva's b8, I sed, "That wd B awesum! That wd B his 1st big break!" We'd gotten 2 the backstage area, and I was taking my guitar out of its case when Eva was like, "But... what abt our band?!! --What about U?!!" And I didn't answer, but I peeked out @ Ger from backstage, watching him play drums, and I thot, "Sumtymes, a big break means a big breakup." Memo 2 Ger: me thinking we mite hafta break up doesn't mean we're broken up an' U shd have sex w/Becky, K?

Apes

Pee Puns

More on the telethon. Eva and I went up 2 the stage-manager guy, and I was like, "Hi, we're just checking the order in which we appear*. We're after the choir, rite?" The guy checked his sheet and was like, "Nope. There's been a change. U and Eva come on after 'Rebecca[h].'" I was all, "Really? But...." And the guy interrupted w/"Hey! Relax! This is a telethon. We can change things around! We can B FLUID!" Eva and I looked @ each other, and I asked, "Do U feel fluid?" And Eva was all, "Um... yeah." And we ran 2 the washroom 2 release fluid from our bladders, which apparently make lame puns all their own. As 4 Y it was just me and Eva and not the rest of the band, that mite come up in my telling this week. Or mayB not! W8 an' C, honeybees!

Apes

*Yep, I sed "the order in which we appear." I thot it mite impress the stage-manager guy. I don't think it worked.

Telethon

So the "Hearts 2gether Telethon" @ the mall was this past weekend. Eva and I were standing in front of one of the stages, which was being set up, and Shannon showed up w/her mom. Shan was all, "U're ... gonna ... take part in ... the tele...thon, right ... buddy?" And I was like, "Yeah! Eva and I R singing a duet." Shannon went, "I'm gonna ... B ... here ... 4 the ... whole ... 24 hrs ... rite, Mom? An' ... U R 2, ... rite?" And Mrs. Lake sed, "That's rite!!" I told Shannon, "Not many moms wd do that 4 their kids, Shannon!" And Shannon was all, "I know!" And then she hugged her mom while saying, "Not ... many ... moms R ... like ... mine!"

I tried 2 imagine Mom pulling an all-nighter 4 me, and I got kinda, like, jellus, I guess. Cuz I cdn't imagine it. But then I thot abt what Mom wd B like on no sleep? And I thot the world is prolly thankful she's not likely 2 try it.

Apes

Walking in the park with Anth and Francie

I guess Liz was 2 blissed out from her d8 yesterday 2 post here abt it, but never fear. Mom asked her a ton of questions on the fone yesterday evening, and she cdn't restrain herself from telling me abt the convo.

According 2 Mom, Liz and Anthony took little Francie 2 the park, where they walked with Francie in the middle between them and each held one of her hands, letting her swing every now and then, and when they did this, they went in2 silhouette. As a silhouetted kid looked on, they went 2 the swingset, where Liz and Francie each sat on a swing, and Anthony gave Francie a push, and Liz just kinda sat and w8ed, wondering if Anthony wd give her a push, 2.

After the swings, Mom sez that they put Francie in her stroller (but without using the restraints cuz they're "2 constraining"). As Liz pushed the stroller, Anthony carried Liz's new purse, the one with the pastel stripes (clearance rack, Megamart), and Francie reached out @ butterflies. They let her out of the stroller, and she sniffed @ flowers. Liz and Anthony stared in2 ea other's eyes (which made Liz kinda notice that @ that moment Anth looked like sum1 completely diff, but Mom told her she needs 2 get used 2 that in Mboro). They slipped back in2 silhouette and Anthony asked, "How does it feel 2 B going out w/a guy who has a child, Elizabeth?" And Liz told him, "Wonderful!" Then, as Liz and Anthony got out of silhouette and Francie, running and jumping up way ahead of them, went in2 purple silhouette, Anthony sed, "I mean--this can realy complic8 a relationship." And Liz was all, "Anthony..." Then she put an arm around him and he did the same with her, as they walked side by side, and Francie, in black silhouette, ran way, way head of them. And she continued w/"Being w/U and Francie...is a walk in the park."

Mom sez she cheered when Liz told her all this and commended her 4 saying all the rite things. I asked if mayB Liz was glossing over sum of the more complic8ed parts of possibly b-coming a step-parent. Like, one day of frolicking in the park doing fun stuff isn't really a full glimpse of what life was gonna B like. And Mom scowled and yelled @ me 4 being a negative Martian princess.

Apes

Paper conservation

Miked stopped by this blog last nite 2 share sum more of what happed recently when he was lookin' @ foto albums w/Merrie:

April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes it is difficult to get the ideas of conservation across to the very young. Mom does her bit with putting her potato peelings in her Compost Queen, recycling, low energy light bulbs and putting up "This House Saves Water" signs. Dad does his part by going to landfills and complaining about what people throw away. For some reason, these sterling examples from mom and dad just do not sink in with the younger generation.

Just the other day, as I sat my daughter in my lap and we looked at mom's old photographs albums and I was trying to explain to my daughter how incredibly poor I was at measuring things, especially the height of dogs when I was little, my daughter said to me, "You have lots of pictures of Robin an' me, right?" I could tell my daughter had been around her Auntie April quite a bit with the tell-tale sign of her unpronounced final "d" in "an'". However, I opted not to correct her pronunciation, even though I was sorely tempted to do so. Instead I decided to inspire my daughter with the knowledge that her father was much better about paper conservation in this modern age. I said, "Yes, but most of them are stored on discs." I said "most" because, as you know, there was that roll of film Deanna and I had early on in our marriage, which was accidentally put on regular photo paper instead of on disc. Deanna wanted to try putting our photos on a different medium but decided to let the old medium leave her system before going to the new medium, and we ended up with some photos on paper. Since then, the only time we put photos on paper was planned, for Christmas presents and things like that.

My daughter seemed to be surprised to learn about her father's paper conservation efforts and she said, "No books like this, daddy?" I decided to go for the full explanation to her, and really for any person (like my son) who might be looking in on my life and might be completely confused by the idea of digital storage of pictures. As I was explaining it to my daughter and my son, I had this feeling that I was explaining this concept to a whole generation of mentally feeble people, who used examples from my life to learn about their world. I said, "We don't need photograph albums any more, Meredith. Technology now allows us to put all this paper into tiny computer files, which we can access easily by clicking a few keys."

My daughter retorted in the way only the very young and paper conservationally ignorant can. She said, "Well, I like photographs 'cause you can pick them up an' hold them." I could tell it was going to take awhile to teach my daughter about conservation, just as it was going to take awhile to get her to stop saying "an'". So, I gave her a "Right", as if to say, "I'm tired of this argument and we will get back to it later, when you are older and wiser."

Just at that moment, my son made a motion either that he wanted to be picked up, or that he was going to try to strangle me to death. To prevent possible murder attempts, I picked him up and realized (in a thought balloon and not using the word "an'", I will have you know) just like photographs, I can pick up and hold my children. Of course the advantage to photographs is that they are not going to get so big you can't pick them up and hold them anymore; and that photographs don't sit in your lap looking at photographs until they get tired, close their eyes and fall asleep; and that photographs won't cry when you try to pick them up and move them to more comfortable positions because your arms are getting numb from holding them so long.

It's going to take awhile to teach my kids about conservation.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, this all reminds me of when I was eight, and U were abt 2 gradu8 from uni. U and Weed had just learned that U were up 4 an award 4 an article U'd worked on 2gether abt that Irish fam the O'Connors in Quebec, and also that Portrait mag wanted 2 send U both 2 Ireland 2 interview and photograph more fam members 2 expand the article in2 a book. I remember that when U got this news, U wrote abt it in an e-mail 2 the 'rents and Liz, so this of course meant that Mom didn't find out until Liz read her own e-mail and told Mom. And Mom had a giant hissy fit that U shared the news in e-mail instead of in a fone call. She was all, "I want a fone call! U pick up a fone, U dial a number, U talk, what's so hard abt that!" And Liz kinda glared @ her, until it occurred 2 Mom 2 call U herself. And when she did, she was all congratul8ey, but she also managed 2 have U apologizing by the end of the convo, 4 not calling. And the crazy thing is that Mom is STILL like this, eight years l8er. And what MOST of us wanna know is what is so hard about sitting down @ yr 'puter and checking yr friggin' e-mail?!?!? Gah, I so hope Merrie and Robin don't grow up 2 B Luddites, like Mom.

And speaking of how they grow up, if U wanna know how they got the habit of using "an'," U mite wanna look closer 2 how--like @ yrself, eh?

Apes

Mike and Merrie Reminisce

Merrie, I guess, didn't want to be outdone by her 'rents, so she sent me a little e-mail:

auntie april, mama go change robin stinky pants, attic guy look at pictures with merrie! merrie and attic guy see farley pictures, merrie ask how big was farley. attic guy hold up his hand hi, say this hi. merrie say no way, and attic guy say he was that big to attic guy. silly attic guy. april, merrie want a farley. love, merrie

Well, Merrie, I wish U cd have a Farley, but there's only been one, he was unique.

Thanks for writing!

Apes

Stress

Well, it looks like Dee rewarded Merrie and Robin's trying 2 get those foto albums (after she sed they hadta w8). Here's what Dee had 2 say in another Dee-mail I just got:

Hello, 'April'!

I thought I'd tell you a little 'more' about what happened with my 'children' and those 'photographs' they wanted to see.

After I made sure neither 'child' was 'bleeding,' we sat right down on the floor and began to look through some of those 'albums' your mother left for us. Meredith pointed at a picture of your 'brother' and asked, "Is that Daddy?" And I told her, 'Yes... That's your dad when he was little." Meanwhile, 'Robin' (what were we thinking when we named him?) started to say "Mm!" I ignored him, because we are trying to get him to use his 'words.' Anyway, I pointed at some other pictures, saying, "Here's Auntie Elizabeth and here's Grandma Elly..." Meredith asked, "Where's April?" And Robin became more 'persistent' with his "Mmm! Mmm!!" as he pushed one hand into the photo album and used the other to reach behind himself and press down on my head.

I leaned back and handed the 'album' back to Merrie, Robin reached across my lap, trying to get another 'album,' and I told Merrie, "April wasn't born when these pictures were taken. She arrived later." As I began to notice a poopy smell and some 'stink' waves emitting from my little son's 'bottom,' Merrie asked me, "How come?"

Leaving her holding an open album, I leapt up, holding ol' Stinky Pants, and I thought (but didn't say), "Because--mothers can only handle so much stress at a time!"

April, I 'hate' to blame things on your 'brother,' but I really think that he stalled little Robin's potty training back when he told the children never to flush anything that hasn't first been eaten. Robin's been anxious about the potty ever since, because, as he's said, "Wobbin no eat Wobbin's poo!" I tried to explain about the digestive process, but I think that's too 'advanced.' Well, someday we'll get this 'all' straightened out, I guess!

Love,

'Dee'

OMG, Dee, if U R feeling so stressed out, Y the fark is Michael not HELPING YOU? Gah, U R the one who works full time @ the pharma and then comes home 2 a second shift! Mike already sends the kids off 2 school an' daycare and then has the whole day 2 "follow his muse" in silence. The least he can do when U come home is do his friggin' share!

Apes

They wanna look @ fotos THAT bad?

I just got an e-mail from Dee, who wrote:

'April'! I know that Michael has been keeping you apprised for the past couple of days of certain 'goings on' at our new home (your old home). He is back to following his 'muse,' so he's missed some things I thought you might be 'interested' in.

I was busy vacuuming (love that 'central vac'!) when my 'children' were clamouring and reaching for the photo 'albums' your mother left for us in that 'whatnot' closet. (Though honestly I don't know why she calls it that. I wonder if she'll mind if I change it to something more sensible, such as "the closet where we keep the photo albums"?)

Well, 'anyway,' Meredith was reaching up towards the top 'shelf' and asking, "Mom, can we look at these?" And I told her, "Not now, honey. I have cleaning to do." Meredith 'persisted,' with "Please? I wanna see the photographs." And little Robin joined in with "Fo-graffs! Fo-graffs!" Because really he'll just mimic whatever his big 'sister' says. I was telling them "We'll look at them together after I've finished my work, OK? We'll look at them later!" Unbeknownst to me, 'April,' while I was 'saying' that, the little ones were wheeling an office chair over to the closet for Meredith to stand on, completely 'disregarding' what I had been telling them! Of 'course,' the way that I discovered this was to hear a big CRASH sound. And when I went to the 'whatnot' closet to investigate, there were my two 'angels,' with Meredith partly under that 'chair' and photo albums everywhere. I thought, "Um ... we'll look at them now."

As I comforted my children and righted all this 'disarray,' it occurred to me that maybe we shouldn't look at those photo albums. After 'all,' the children defied me when I told them that we couldn't look at the photographs until I was finished with my cleaning. And now because they got themselves hurt while defying me, I was going to be giving them exactly what they 'wanted'?

But my dear 'Michael' put my fears to rest. He says that he's certain the 'children' learned a valuable lesson about finding a sturdy chair to stand on when getting things from a high shelf. And also that in a couple of months, we were going to start spending days on end poring over the old photo albums, comparing past events to what's going on 'now' (when we find time for a 'now' between photo-album 'sessions'). So it's good to get them used to the idea early. Then he told me he'd see me at 'dinner' and that he really must 'focus' on his 'windjammer' novel.

Oh, well. That's marriage to a writer, April!

No, Dee, that's just marriage to my jackass brother. There are writers (better ones than Mike) who can balance their writing with their not-ignoring-their-fam. Mike just enjoys disengaging himself.

And I think yr original instinct was rite. Rewarding the littles 4 not listening 2 U will give 'em the idea that they'll get what they want when they want, no matter what.

Also, if I were U, I wdn't worry so much abt whether Mom minds changes U wanna make. Just do it. Your house now. We're sure as heck not calling George Stibbs 4 permission 2 change NEthing, U know?

Apes

The Tack

Mike posted sum more abt what's been going on since they took over the big house:

April,

Formerly little sis. There frequently comes a time in a man’s life when he has to confront his past. In great novels, the past is a majour misdeed, a breach of trust over a significant point of order, or the loss of a great love. In real life, the past appears in a manner more mundane, like your son is chewing on it. This was the case for me. The past reappeared in the form of a tack I thought I had eliminated and would never see again.

You see, formerly little sis, continuing my story from yesterday, after my lovely Deanna finished stripping off the wallpaper, she changed clothes to long pants. I tried to convince her to change into a negligee instead, but she demurred, saying she needed to go check on the kids, since they had been playing in the ravine for hours.

I was relaxing in the way men frequently do after their wives refuse to wear negligees, when I suddenly heard my lovely wife say, “Attack! Where did you find attack?” I thought for a moment my wife was being assaulted and I rushed to her rescue as a good husband should. As I approached her and my son, I saw my wife on her knees and I steeled myself for full combat with my son, assuming that he was the attacker. Once I got close enough, I saw that my lovely Deanna and my son were not battling each other but were staring at a tack, and I realized my error. I had been taken in by the most basic of puns---a misinterpretation of similar sounds to mean different words. It was so funny; I had to say, “Hah!”

Then I picked up the tack and I realized that this tack was the one I stuck in the back wall of the upstairs closet and I made the mistake of saying it out loud. My lovely Deanna was immediately suspicious and she picked up our son, preparing to run if I gave the wrong answer to her question, “What did you do that for?” My mind raced. I thought, “Do I tell Deanna the real answer? Do I explain to her exactly why it is that it was necessary, even crucial for the survival of everyone to make sure that tack was placed in the back wall of the upstairs closet? Do I tell my lovely wife of the terrible fate which our family faced, which was only alleviated by that tack? Do I spill forth the terrible secrets which had lain dormant in our family for over 2 decades?” Well, obviously no. So I said, “I dunno…It’s been there since I was nine.” I think she and my son bought it, but from the way they were looking so intently at that tack, they must have suspected something. I don’t think they will be able to figure it out. That is unless my daughter shows up someday with the paper clip, which was hidden all those years ago.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, and I hope they never find the disturbing stuff U hid in the crawl space, eh?

Apes

Kitchen

Well, it's time 2 hear abt Mike's end of the whole "housening" bizness. Here's what he posted last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. My lovely Deanna did not waste a moment starting to make changes to the house as soon as you and our parents left our house. She sent the children out to play in the ravine, and immediately got to work pulling wallpaper off the wall. I could tell she was prepared for a big effort, because she had a bucket to deal with old wallpaper paste, and a scraper, and a little rug to put her knees on. Of course, I know she should have layered the floor with drop cloths all the way to the wall to catch any little bits of wall paper which might fall down, but we had one of those minor home renovation miracles, which seem to occur all the time for us Pattersons (just ask dad how lucky he was the guy who repaired your roof knew how to handle squirrels). Deanna was able to simply the pull the wall paper off the wall with no mess, no wallpaper removal solution, and no scraping. It was quite impressive. I would have thought we would have needed a wallpaper knife, a perforating tool or wallpaper scratcher, wallpaper removal solution, drop cloths, a solution sprayer, in addition to the bucket Deanna had; but such was not the case. It’s good to be a Patterson.

As she was performing this minor miracle, she regaled me with the question, “Do you think your mom will mind if we remove her wallpaper?” My thought was, “Of course she will mind. You are talking about the woman who shaves her sheets. She will wring her hands and weep over every change we make.” However, I decided to duck that question by saying, “It’s our house now, Dee! We can do anything we want to do: paint, varnish, paper, carpet, tile…” I had hoped by my making this list; it would encourage my lovely Deanna to limit her home renovation desires to those things. Alas, such was not the case.

After I demonstrated my superior skill at scrunching up old wallpaper in my hands and putting it in a box, Deanna picked up her bucket and said, “I know. I’m just sensitive about her feelings. Your parents lived here for a long time.” I could tell what Deanna meant. What she really meant was that she did not want to have to deal with mom screaming at the top of her lungs about her old wallpaper. However, nothing could prepare me for the surprise with which Deanna let loose next. She said, “Do you think she would mind if we redesigned the kitchen?” I was shocked. We had never discussed it before and kitchen redesign was not on my list. When we entered the kitchen, I could see from the wine bottle and wine glass sitting there, my lovely Deanna was speaking with the courage that only comes from the consumption of wine chosen for its girly colour of pink.

I was thinking, “Are you crazy? Mom started shrieking when April (you) suggested she change the drapes in the kitchen. There is no way she would allow a whole kitchen redesign!” However, I showed great restraint and simply said, “You want to change the kitchen? But…(thinking very quickly I said) I’ve always liked it the way it is!” This way I put the blame for not wanting the kitchen changed on me, and not on mom. At least that gave me a chance to talk Deanna out of it before she brings the wrath of mom on us. I know how your readers love cliff-hanging suspense, so I will refrain from telling you more about this thrill-packed, home renovation, adventure story until tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Well, Mike, U mite remember that yrs an' yrs ago, long B4 I was born, Mom had the kitchen remodeled. MayB U cd just convince her it's a tradition? Oh, and don't let yr kids play in the ravine. U don't have NE rescue dogz available, remember? Plus neither dog is in gd enuf shape 2 run back 2 the house an' give a warning like Eddy did when Farley was rescuing me. Just keep that g8 locked securely.

Jeremy, thanx 4 dropping off the list of revenge items from George Stibbs yesterday. Tho I doubt I can convince Dad that Mr. Stibbs is NEthing but "a kindly, honest old man."

Apes

Dog Days of Mom

Yesterday evening, Mom shook her hed and was all, "April, U know what I was just thinking?" And I was like, "That if U put a bunch of farm animals on a ship, and the ship hit rough waters, all the animals except the bulls would fall over, and then the farmer wd ask the bulls how they kept their balance, and one of the bulls wd xxplain, 'We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down'?" Mom laffed w/her tung sticking out, and she sed, "No, but I luv that!" I sed, "Yeah, I figured." Then she sed, "I was just thinking 'The DOG days of summer.' B-cuz all day long, Edgar and Dixie have been whining 2 get out. Then when they get 2 hot and thirsty, they come in 2 drink sum water, and almost rite after, they want out again! I'm so sick of opening and closing that door!" I asked, "Y not just put a water supply outside 4 them, so they don't hafta come in 2 drink?" Mom sed, "That wd attract mosquitoes, and we'd all get malaria! Don't they teach U NEthing @ that school?" And I sed, "In that case, Y'd U never get Mike 2 drain the kiddie pool @ the old house? That's a much bigger mosquito magnet than a couple of doggie bowls wd B!" And Mom was all, "Well, that's MICHAEL!" As if mosquitoes have special respect for his belongings. ::rolleyes::

Apes

Home, bad pun, home!

We were doing a bunch of unpacking, cleaning, and other new-house work that was making us sweat. Dad was holding a big ol' area rug, all "Give me a hand w/this area rug, April." I was moving a coffee table and sed, "I think I'd better vacuum the floor 1st, Dad." A bit l8r, Mom was outside scrubbing, scraping, skrubbing, and skritting the BBQ grill, and Dad came out an' sed, "I found the utensils, honey. Cd U clean them off 2?" After that, Mom came in and I was all, "I've unpacked the last box, Mom--an' I washed the front windows." C how "spoiled" I'm not? Mom was like, "We're completely moved in. We can finally call this place 'ours.'" Then I sed, "Yeah!" Then we all flopped on2 the chesterfield, me in the middle and Mom and Dad sitting on either side, and I badpunned, "Home sweat home!!" Much as I h8ed 2 hafta do that, I knew it wd help put Mom an' Dad in a better mood than they wd B otherwise, and they'd B more inclined 2 notice I'd been all helpful and not-complainy the whole day. And mayB they'd remember 2 cut me sum slack sumtyme soon, eh?

Apes

Old and broken down is the new "new," yo!

So, shortly after Mom had that convo w/the contractor guy and got their bill, Dad came home and was all, "::sniff:: .... What's that smell?" I was like, "Mothballs. The roof repair guys put them in the attic 2 get rid of the squirrels." I guess this shows Dad's sense of smell is keener than his hearing, since he never heard NE squirrel activity, yet can smell moth balls that are up in the attic. NEway, Dad, while removing his shoes, was like, "Squirrels?!" And I told him, "Yeah... An' the sump pump is borked. So Mom went 2 get a new one." Then I used my foot 2 demonstr8 a squeaky spot in the floor, all "Did U notice the squeek [sic] in the hallway? There R carpenter ants in the porch supports. An' it looks like the fridge compressor is going." Dad went, "What? Stibbs sed that fridge was NEW!" And I thot bubbled, "New house.... New hassles." But really I was wondering Y the eff Dad never got an actual inspector in2 the place B4 arranging 2 buy. What, Stibbs got the "kindly old man" pass? How stoopid!

Apes

Prices

So after Mom hugged me the other day, she went outside w/the dogs 2 check on the contractors who'd been doing the repairs on the roof. 1 guy was up on a ladder an' the other was, like, holding the ladder, as the guy up top was all, "Just getting the last coat dun, Mrs. P. --Good thing that tree fell on this place--yr attic was full of squirrels!" Then he climbed down 2 say, "When we opened her up, we found quite a nest of 'em. The mothballs we threw in shd keep 'em from coming back." [Memo 2 contractor guy: an attic is not a "her"; an attic does not have a vagina!] Then, the contractor guy went on w/"Of course, the mothballs will stink yr place up a bit--but... that's the place U pay 4 privacy!" Privacy? From squirrels? That's not the usual way ppl think of having a squirrel-free house, but whatevs. Then, it was clear that this guy had only set up the whole "price U pay" thing so's that when he handed Mom his bill, he cd B all, "And here's the price U pay 4 ME!"

In rel8ed news, when Mike came by, and Mom told him abt all this, his eyes kinda got glazey an' distant when he heard the word "attic."

Apes

I DO Have Every Rite 2 B so. EVA!

So after Eva looked down the back of my shirt 2 check 4 my xxpiration d8 (as in "U R so spoiled, girl!") I asked her 2 go back 2 her mansion an' leave me alone. As she was leaving, Mom came along, all "Eva's going home already? How come?" And I was like, "We had a slite difference of opinion... abt this house." Mom sed, "Honey, come here." I scrunched my eyez closed and went, "Don't touch me!! U don't know how I feel! U DON'T UNDERSTAND!" She stood behind me, put her hands on my shoulders, and sed, "U're not having a gd time rite now. This move has been v. hard on U. We've turned yr world upside down!" Then I turned 2 face her, and she put one hand on my left shoulder and the other on the rite side of my face, all "U're hurt. U're confused an' U're angry... and U have every rite 2 B so." And I thot, "Rats." Then we hugged and I thot, "...She understands." The "rats" part was really cuz I was thinking, "WTF took so long 4 one of my 'rents 2 SAY this?" How long have they either been ignoring me, lying 2 me ("We're only THINKING abt MAYBE moving"), or acting like I'm the spoiled Martian-creature princess? Gah, was it so hard 2 say I have the RITE 2 B upset?

NEway, I'm wondering if the whole purpose of Eva being such a butt was 2 make my MOM look GOOD. Diabolical, eh?

Apes

I'm SPOILED?

More on Eva's smackdown when I dared B unhappy abt moving in2 our new teeny-tiny train house. Eva was all, "Face it, girl! U got it good! If U'd stayed @ yr old house, U'd B looking after yr brother's kids all the time!" And I sed, "True," tho I was also thinking that Mike cda bought a whole OTHER house and we cda stayed where we were. Eva went on w/"Here, U've got a nice room and the possibility of scoring an apt downstairs! That's the idea, rite? They wanna turn the basement in2 yr own private space! How cool is that?!!" I sed, "Pretty cool, I guess." Tho only if my 'rents actually do it, and I'm kinda doubting it, considering they hadta spend $$ 2 repair the roof from when the tree fell on it. And also considering that in their minds, we're 2 yrs in the future and I don't even live here NEmore. But B4 I got a chance 2 say NEthing abt that, Eva pted a finger @ me and was like, "I GUESS?!! Girl, U R so totally spoiled rotten!!" And I was all, "Eva, I M NOT spoiled rotten!!" Then she, like, pulled on the backside of my shirt, looking down my back, and I was all, "What R U doing?" And she sed, "Looking 4 yr 'best B4 d8." Then she took off her Scooby-Do style bad-guy mask 2 reveal she was really Mom. OK, not really, but she mite as well have. I mean, WTF! Sum friend!

Apes

Wanted: A friend who can COMMISERATE!

Y is it I can't complain abt stuff 2 a friend and just have that friend listen and understand and mayB even give me a "yeah that totally suxx"? I know whatevs I'm complaining abt, it's not like the most xxtreme or dire problem NE1 ever had. I don't need 2 B reminded that I have my limbs an' my peeps an' my mental faculties an' that I'm continent, U know? Sumtymes I just need a sympathetic ear, and I can't seem 2 friggin' GET 1. All I ever get is a SMACKDOWN. From my FRIENDS!

Here's an xxample that happed recently. We're in the new house, rite? So Eva came over 2 C it 4 the 1st time. And she was all, "Yr new house isn't so bad, April!" And I stuck my hands in my pockets and was all, "My rm's smaller, an' I hafta share the can w/my foax." [WHY do I say "the can"? What, am I a 40-yr-old MAN?] We went in2 my room and sat on the edge of my bed, and then the smackdown started: "Aww, poor baby! NEways, U'll B going away 2 university, so it won't matter!" University is 2 yrs away. TWO YEARS! It's not like I'm going there this coming September! I answered, "It will matter. This isn't the house I'm used 2. It's not 'home.'" And Eva had 2 go in2 the full-tilt "your probs Rn't that bad" style smackdown my friends all seem 2 favour: "What if U lived in a war zone and yr house was gone an' all U had left was yr family! U'd consider yrself lucky, wdn't U?" And I felt the need 2 remind her, "This isn't a war zone, Eva." And she smacked down further w/"Consider yrself lucky." And I felt myself looking gobsmacked as I thought, "WTF? WTF, WTF, WTF?"

Gah, I SO need a friend who will listen 2 me bitch and not smack me down! Sympathy! I KNOW moving 2 the teeny-tiny train house isn't the worst thing in the world, but wd it kill sum1 2 agree that it kinda suxx?

Apes

Being "Cool" at the Beach

Yeah, so like I mentioned in yesterday's comments, I went 2 the beach w/a buncha friends yesterday. B-sides Ger, Dunc, an' Eva, we had Vicks and also Gordie, who has lost sum w8 and stopped wearing berets since my b-day celebration of last yr, and Keitha and Raphael, who I don't know v. well but who R kinda tite w/Gordie. There was also this guy Chuck, who's friends w/Ger cuz of hockey and basketball.

When we 1st got there, Dunc waved Eva's red bikini in the air. 4 sum reason, she was the last person 2 change in1 her suit. 4 a while there, she stayed in her purple tube top and shorts that were, like, neon green w/purple flowers in diff sizes. I wore a red-orange bikini w/lite orange, green-bordered polka dots on it, Vicks wore a hot pink one-piece an' blue shorts, and Keitha wore a purple one-piece.

NEway, 4 sum reason we were hung up on taking pix of every lil thing we did while we were there. It was kinda like when my fam 1st got a digital camera in March of 2003. Well, this time around, 1st we did a big ol' group shot where we struck dumb poses and Eva took the pic. Then Ger an' Gordie both mooned me an' I took a pic (nice butts!). Then Gordie got a shot of Dunc holding Eva on his shoulders while she held a can of pop and pretended it was beer. Then Ger remembered hearing abt the time I went 2 the beach w/Liz in August of 2004, spat watermelon seeds on her back while she dozed face-down w/her top untied, and then ran after me and accidentally xxposed herself 2 every1. And he thot the whole spitting-seeds thing was so hilarious that he asked me 2 do that 2 his back, while Dunc took a picture. Then Ger snapped a pic of me, Keitha, and Eva in the water spouting water out of our mouths, in imitation of whales. Then after all that, we looked @ the pics we'd saved on the camera, and Dunc was like, "Oh, man! Sumday, we're gonna look @ these fotos... an' C how totally cool we were!"

And 4 sum reason, I had a feeling that middle-aged peeps everywhere were shaking their heads over that an' laffing @ us, even tho no middle-aged peeps were in earshot just then. Weird how I get feelings like that sumtymes.

Apes

Lost an' Found

Liz wrote sum more abt what happed @ that wedding reception 2 wks ago:

April,

The next part of the story got told to me when I ran into Mason at the supermarket the week after the wedding, I guess he woke up after awhile and went to find Shawna-Marie, he was shocked to find that Shawna-Marie looked even manlier than ever by that point in the evening, and her features looked all stretched and freaky, well Mason said Shawna-Marie started yelling at him about how he was my escort, and he said he'd forgot, mainly because he was busy drinking up all the leftover champagne, then Mason said one of the other groomsmen told Shawna-Marie and Mason that me and Anthony ran off, and then Mason said "that fat girl" kind of came over and eavesdropped until Shawna-Marie asked her (Julia) if she thought me and Anthony were lost, and Julia knew this was her chance to spread the gossip about me and Anthony getting back together to the whole wedding, so she told Shawna-Marie that she thought we had found something we'd lost, and then Julia pointed out to Shawna-Marie and Mason where me and Anthony were cuddling in the dark.

More later.

Liz

U know, Liz, Mom already has china patterns picked out 4 U and has an "Elizabeth Wedding-Planner Binder." Just so U're not alarmed next time U C her.

Apes

Liz Hoist

Here's what Liz has 2 say abt the next thing that happed @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception almost 2 wks ago, after she an' Anthony decided 2 try fallin' in luv:

April,

This next part of my story is short, after I promised Anthony there was a chance we could possibly maybe allegedly fall in love again, we were so happy to finally at last maybe kind of sort of have that decided that we did this weird dance that included Anthony holding me up and dipping me and more kissing, by the way, why do men like to try to hold you up in the air when they like you, at least Anthony doesn't do that weird butt hoist like Paul used to, anyhow, all this while I thought I could feel someone spying on us in the dark, but I thought, no, what kind of pervert likes to watch a couple trying to fall in love?

Liz

As a matter of fact, it seemz like U were being watched, Liz. Yesterday, when I was working @ Lilliput's, Dawn came by 2 pick up sum bride mags, and she told me that when U an' Anthony had been away from the dancing 4 a while, she started 2 wonder where U 2 cd B. Esp. since Mason nearly choked on his own vomit. NEway, she told me that she found Julia @ the edge of the tent, gazing off in2 the distance, and so asked her, "Julia, do U know where Elizabeth and Anthony R?" And Julia was like, "Yes, I do!" And it seems she pted 2 where U guyz were smooching and mackin' by the lake, and sed "Physically.... they're over there!" Dawn mentioned that it creeped her out a bit that Julia seemed 2 B watching U an' Ant like U were television or sumthin'.

Apes

Chances

Liz posted us a bit more of what happed more than 2.5 wks ago, after she and Anthony had run away from the conga line @ Shawna-Marie's wedding:

April,

Well, when I left you with my last post I was telling you how Anthony and I were kissing by a lake near the tent where someone or other was having some kind of important party, I forget, what was important was, I knew this meant I am going to get a husband very soon, whew, I know Mom says the Good Witch always provides but I was really starting to doubt it, what with being 27 oops I mean 26 and not having a husband, that is a close shave with spinsterhood, which is funny because spinsters don't shave their legs at all, that's what Mom told me.

Anyway, when we finally stopped kissing, I was sure Anthony was finally going to propose, but instead he just hugged me and said he missed me, so I hugged him and said I missed him too, but tears were welling up in my eyes, tears of disappointment, I was thinking, "Dag gum it, when am I going to get my fracking proposal already?!?", and then Anthony released me and we looked into each other's eyes, and I thought, "This is it!" but it wasn't, Anthony just made some stupid speech about how we had fallen in love and broken up with other people, and I was thinking, "Sheesh, thanks for bringing that up, jerkface," and then he asked me--ASKED ME--if I didn't think maybe we could possibly consider forming a committee of disinterested parties to ponder the question of whether it might be prudent at this juncture for me and Anthony to try falling in love again, or something like that, I forget, it was so wishy-washy I hope to erase those lukewarm words out of my brain forever, but I do remember that the words "could we give it one more chance?" were used.

Well, though I was extremely and totally disappointed not to be getting a proposal I did what any brave and proper Patterson woman would do, you would be proud of me, I gave an answer that included 1) wordplay and 2) refusal to reveal feelings, I played it cool, almost like I totally didn't care one way or another, and I said, "Chances are, we could," when I came home and told Mom, she high-fived me.

More later.

Liz

OK, Liz, that xxplains Y I saw Mike starting a list called "much more clever wordplay Liz could have used." As soon as I saw "wordplay," I quickly looked away, but I'm pretty sure his first example had sumthing 2 do with "games of chance."

Dunc, I retrived yr housekey after it got, um, released from Eddy's digestive system. Ick, such a joy. But it's clean, safe, and sound. I'll look after yr house while I'm still around. OMG, I hope it's not really true that U an' yr fam R never coming back from Barbados!!!

Apes

[Not] Talking

Liz wrote another message abt her time @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception, more than 2.5 wks ago:

April,

Well, I am not sure I really want to share this next part, because it is private, but you are going to find out anyway, because I understand Anthony told Gordon and Tracey, who will tell the whole town, anyway, we danced all night until it was time to form the Traditional Wedding Conga Line, and the next thing I knew, Anthony and I were running out of the tent and out into the night, I wasn't sure why we were running, but I was hoping we were running to some late-night wedding chapel, I am 26 now, and that is old, I need a husband before my eggs all dry up.

But, when I asked Anthony where we were going, he said somewhere we could talk, but then he took me to the lake, and I was about to say that we would not be able to talk underwater, when all of a sudden, Anthony grabbed me and kissed me, and it was so exciting that I felt my entire body begin to swell with lust, mainly my ass, which I could feel was taking on that unfortunate shape it sometimes gets, like it is a giant sack of pudding, fortunately though, Anthony kisses with his eyes squeezed shut.

More later.

Liz

U R rite abt Gordo an' Tracey tellin' peeps, Liz. Tracey was in Lilliput's, shopping 4 sum summer reading 4 Paul an' Rosemary, and she cdn't stop gabbing abt how xxcited she is that U an' Anthony cd B getting 2gether again. Only 5.5 yrs after she, Mike, and Gordo plotted 2 reunite U 2.

Jeremy, U did the rite thing w/helping Honoria, even if she an' her 'rents R mad. I M sure she'll come around when she realized U saved her from being starved 2 death by Mrs. F.

Howard, thanx 1ce again 4 the Jen/Alyssa perspective on the wedding reception.

Apes

I heard he's hung like a Tic Tac!

So Liz wrote a lil more abt what happened @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception more than 2 wks ago:

April,

Okay, well, before I tell more about the wedding, I want to respond to your stupid friend Vicki, she says she is surprised I would object to drunk Mason since I am supposedly a big drunk myself at parties, well, you can tell her, there are rules of proper Patterson decorum, missy, and "stinking drunk" is fine for a party in the woods with all your friends where you ride on your best friend's boyfriend's shoulders and provocatively rub your crotch on the back of his head, and then end up waking up naked from the waist-down with your sleeping bag tangled up with your best friend's sleeping bag and you don't quite remember anything that happened after 11 pm, but that is not okay for a wedding, at a wedding, the most that is appropriate is "pleasantly sloshed," whereas Mason was just plain old "dead drunk."

Anyway, I was trying to wake up stupid Mason, my now ex-future husband, when Anthony came over to me and asked, "May I?" and I said, "You may," and I didn't even care what it was he was asking me to do, I hoped it might involve getting the minister to turn this into a surprise double wedding, sitting there with my drunk ex-future husband was making me very depressed about my marital prospects and I was figuring, hey, you know, at least I know Anthony doesn't have a drinking problem, and only likes to (mentally) cheat on his wife with me, and his big fault was just having an ugly mustache which is now gone.

So anyway, we were dancing, and for a second, I thought Dennis North might of put on Anthony's ugly brown accountant suit and new glasses and drawn on some freckles, because Anthony was never that good of a dancer, I used to come home from school dances with broken toes in high school, anyway, Anthony asked if my date would mind, and I said he wouldn't care, and Mason let out a snore to indicate his non-caring-ness, and then to be polite I asked him if his date would mind us dancing, I couldn't remember Miss Piggy's name, anyway, Anthony said he didn't think so.

Then Anthony said he had been wanting to dance with me for a long time, and I decided it was time to turn my Patterson Allure on him full-force, and I asked, "Just dance?" because I knew this was an allusion to sex, and a Patterson Hoo-Hoo is irresistible to men, that's what Mom tells me, anyway, that seemed to do the trick, because Anthony kind of dipped me, and said, "Just...everything," and of course everything includes sex, and I felt Anthony's hard man-thing pushing against my magical hoo-hoo, which suddenly felt kind of wet and squishy, and I knew right then that Anthony's man-thing was meant to go into my magical Patterson hoo-hoo, and that if we weren't careful, we were going to have to get married right there on the dance floor even if Shawna-Marie did not actually want a surprise double wedding, if you know what I mean.

More later.

Liz

OMG, Liz, U gave Anthony a boner @ the wedding reception! Was it all teeny-tiny, like ppl have been speculating?

NEway, I'm working @ Lilliput's this month, and then it's off 2 the farm next month. We're having a book sale, in case NE1's looking 4 summer reading!

Apes

Mason Proves Himself Unsuitable

Liz decided 2 fill in sum more deets abt what happed on Shawna-Marie's wedding day, back on the weekend B4 my lunch w/Shannon and her friends. So she posted this:

April,

I will now talk about the rest of what happened at the wedding, at the reception, there were all the usual boring toasts and speeches, there were a lot of them, and I have to say, they were really really bad. The best man went on and on about Shawna-Marie's beauty even though it was plain to see that Shawna-Marie looked very very manly and unattractive that day, then someone wished them to have "lots" of kids which was totally stupid because everyone knows Shawna-Marie is one of those crazy people who says if she ever decides to have kids she will have only one, and then Shawna-Marie's dad got up and started bawling and calling her "my little girl," well, by then it was obvious what the problem was, everyone in the room was incredibly drunk.

Well, then it was time for my knight in shining armor, my presumed future husband Mason to say the last speech and get the dance going, but he didn't, he just sat there, so I reminded him, except for some stupid reason, I called him "master of ceremonies" and not "best man," it was then that I realized that I was in fact also kind of drunk, but not as drunk as I realized Mason was, he had his hand over his mouth like he was gonna barf, but then he did a faceplant on the table, and started to snore, and I saw that his nose was huge, and though I knew that the nose plus snoring was a good sign he would be my future husband, but I was not so interested anymore, now that I learned he does not know the appropriate level of drunkenness for a member of the wedding party, which is "tipsy," not "unconscious," this was a very disappointing development, but it did occur to me that this might be the perfect opportunity for someone else to save the day, some one quiet and unassuming, an ordinary guy, a guy who you would never think would be great at anything exciting, a guy who doesn't drink because the Association of North American Accountants recommends against it, you know, someone like that, I'm thinking of a type, not a specific person or anything.

More later, Liz

Hmm, yeah. I know there R just DOZENZ of guys U know who R, like, this "type," eh?

Apes

P.S. Happy Canada Day, yo! :)

Kiddie Antix

So, Mike posted abt sumthing that happed yesterday:

April,

Dear formerly little sis,

Today I discovered that my daughter has a tremendous memory.

I had been sitting in an outdoor chair, wearing nothing but my bright red shorts and baseball cap, I found in one of dad’s closets. I was reading a large blue-covered book and watching my children play. It made me feel just like dad, and I was certain for a time there, if you had seen me there, you might have thought I was dad too, except a much younger dad with a buffer body and a can of beer beneath my chair. My nipples flared out, and I hoped they would be enough to distract people from noticing I have no body hair.

My daughter was wearing her usual rainbow-coloured swimsuit and my son was in a manly blue swimsuit, since they had been playing in our outdoor pool. She poured water in a bucket, while my son steadied the bucket. They had dug up a part of the grass and created a dirt spot, which is the kind of thing mom would never have tolerated in me as a child, but I am parent of a newer generation. I am the kind of dad, who lets his kids play in the dirt and tear up the grass to get at it. I know you used to let the dogs tear up the yard, but I have kids, so dogs are no longer necessary for yard destruction.

After carrying the bucket of water to the mud, my daughter proceeded to make a series of mud pies for my son to sample, which he did with the obvious effort of a food connoisseur. He chewed it like mad with a “CRUNCH, CRAK, GRNCH, MFF, MF, MFF, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH”. He obviously did not approve of his sister’s cooking, because he spit it out with a “BRBL PFFT PTOOBFT!” and declared to his sister, “Dat’s not chocolate!...It’s dirt!” I completely approved of his recommendation. I can remember many a time when our sister Elizabeth cooked up one of her burnt butt casseroles, when I was tempted to say something close to the same thing.

However, my son felt the need to share his food criticism with me, as if I could make my daughter cook better. He ran over to me with tears flaring up off his head and with an odd wobbly gait, as if he was running bow-legged. He protested to me that my daughter had told him the mud pies were chocolate. I said to him, “You saw her make them out of dirt. What did you expect?” But he whined on and on that he had been wronged by his sister, and the whining spurred in me such fatherly pride. After all, as you well know, formerly little sis, one of the main tenets of being a Patterson is to whine about being wronged, in a situation you could have clearly avoided. For examples of this, see any story our sister Liz may tell about her love life.

However, even a Patterson father has a threshold for whining, and I finally relented to confront my daughter about the situation with one of my evil stares to try to make her feel guilty. It didn’t work. I think it was because my hat was making her think of our dad, and his long gone ability to discipline children. My daughter simply said, “I wanted him to know the difference!” That took me back to the Easter, when I told her her mother’s breast milk was chocolate. What a memory my daughter has. I fooled her all those years ago, and now she fools her brother with a similar idea about chocolate. I was so gob smacked about the idea of having such a powerful memory, hair started to grow out of my ears, or I instantly grew side burns, or I grew an extra eyebrow. I am not sure. What I do know was that my son has now learned that if you pick up dirt and call it chocolate, it’s still dirt. There’s a valuable lesson, any way you look at it.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Oh so that's what all the yelling was abt outside yesterday. I was trying 2 prepare 4 my farm trip by reading sum veterinary texts I'd borrowed from the library. Then Liz came along, 2 do her laundry, and she sed this was a foolish waste of my time, cuz if I'm destined 2 B a vet, then a veterinary career will fall in my lap. Well, I think I shd prepare myself, y'know, just 2 B on the safe side.

Apes