My Mom Hates Mosquitoes

OK, I know what u must be thinking. Who doesn't hate mosquitoes? But no one hates mosquitoes the way my mom hates them. U see, she has this almost psycho response to them. If she manages to crush the skeeter the death w/a quick swat, then okay, but if she doesn't? Man, you do NOT wanna be in our house. She freaks! Once, it got so bad that Anne and Connie both called the cops cuz they thought we must have an intruder in here. God, that was so embarrassing. Now I hate 2 think what would happen if we really did have an intruder, & the nabes just assumed "mosquito".

Liz says that one of the best things about Aunt Bev is that she isn't Mom. Yup, I think she's got a point. Well, more news soon. . . .

TTYL, Apes

Packed & Ready

Oh, I am so ready to go to that farm! Of course with my luck, I'll end up being sorry I ever said that! Mom inspected my suitcase to make sure nothing looked "like something a pole dancer would wear", an' luckily, she didn't find the secret compartment where I hid the lowrise short shorts, little bikinis, and teeny-tiny tops. Girl's gotta be crafty, u know?

Liz had a creepy feeling that the scary Howard guy from work followed her home. She wants to believe she's just being paranoid, but Carol Enjo told Mom that she did see an unfamiliar car kinda lurking and pulling away real slow. It gives me the creeps to think about it.

Oh, by the way, after I passed the suitcase inspection (LOL), Mom actually said, "Now, April, maybe while you are in Winnipeg you can make friends with a nice blind or deaf girl". I musta had a big WTF look on my face, cuz she went on to explain, "Well, you have that nice mentally challenged friend Shannon, and that's a good start, dear, but you need more diversity". I said, "But Mom, isn't it just as bad to make friends with someone because of their disability as it is to not be friends for that reason?" She looked all surprised and shocked for a second and then said, "Don't twist my words!" And stomped away to complain about me to Connie.

Well, gotta run!

TTYL, Apes

Liz? So Impressed!

Liz tells me that after work, that uggo Howard tried to impress her with a "race to the lights" and he impressively chewed up his tranny & screwed up his tires. So now she's just thinking, "Shit, I hope this doesn't mean he'll take his car in to Gordo and get wrapped up in that soap opera". Cuz somehow, in Milborough, every1 seems to get in2 every1 else's biz.

Another thing that Liz is worried about? That if she tells the 'rents about what's going on at work--especially Mom--this will turn into an occasion for something we call a "Patterson moment of extra-deep profundity" (PMoEDP). The Patterson in question (PiQ), usually Mom, will say something that's supposed to be very serious, philosophical, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then stare off into the distance. Whoever is being talked 2 @ that moment is supposed to gaze all stunned at the super-duper deepness of it all. The only thing that makes this kind of moment extra scary is when the PiQ manages to work a pun into this PMoEDP. I think they love 2 do this since it adds an extra degree of difficulty in the annoyolympics or something.

Oh, well, Liz and I have some bracing ourselves 2 do!

Apes out

Howard = Ew

Well, Becky, Duncan, & I were on IM 2gether, since Becks was really, really upset & Dunc had been such a bonehead. After a while, Becks got Dunc 2 say he was sorry 4 the cams & also got him 2 admit he spread the "roadside gig" goss after spying on her & Jeffo. And 2 say he was sorry 4 that 2, plus "U R the queen of all music, singing, & dancing, O Royal Highness Rebecca Who is & Alwayz Will B Better Than Me". Gerald tried to butt in a couple of times, but we told him this was not his biz. Once that was over, I saw that Liz had sent me a picture on her phone camera, with a txt "Ugly Howard Who Hit on Me". Ew! This guy looks 2 B about our Dad's age, he's got this shaved-head thing going on, and he looks like he's made of cookie dough. Like she needs this after all that Anthony stuff.

Well, that's all I've got at the mo. I've got a weird feeling this is gonna be a long day. Like my grad day, that seemed to go on forfrigginever. I'd say it's some kind of quantum-physics sorta thing, but I haven't had those "vitamins" from Becky in a while. Which reminds me, gotta get some more.

Apes out

txt from Liz

I was IM-ing with Gerald, trying to explain that there's no way I could let him come over, since Mom has Connie watching on one side and Anne on the other, and they'd be in a race to call her if they saw a BOY going in this house when I'm alone here. Then in the middle of all that, I got a text message on my cell, from Liz. "Howard @ work = sexist pig! More l8r!" It seems kinda weird that Lawrence an' Nick would even hire a sexist pig, so I wonder what the dealio is there, peeps.

As Becks said in the comments to my last post, her ma took Duncan's hidden cams from their house to the police. At first, when Officer Luggsworth started to question him, Dunc tried denying he knew NEthing anout them. But then Officer L. showed him the little "Property of Duncan Anderson" stickers. So busted. Know what he did next? Cried! (Dunc, not the cop!) Then he just got a big lecture and a tour of the jail cells to scare him in2 good behaviour. He told me most of this on IM when he got back. He left out the crying part, but Becks found out cuz her mom called the station to follow up. She's not pressing charges or NEthing, but she doesn't want to look at his rosy-cheeked face for a while.

Uh-oh. There's a knock on the door. It's prolly Connie or Anne checkin' up on me.

TTYL, Apes

"Forklift Barbie!"

So, apparently Liz finally made it to work. I know that cuz Lawrence called again all pissed, like, "Is that sister of yours ever going to get here today?" Then, "Oh, here she is, late, late, late. Well, just for that I'm finding an excuse to put her on the forklift today". So I said, "Isn't that kinda like that thing ppl are always saying about my mom? Passive-aggressive?" And then Lawrence was all, "Yeah, who do you think I learned it from? Anyway, Sister Liz is gonna be Forklift Barbie today!" Then he just hung up.

Dad asked me what that was all about, so I told. "So, Liz is late! I hope Lawrence doesn't KILL her over that, because then she'd be the LATE Liz! Get it? Get it?" Peeps, you don't know how hard it was just to resist rolling my eyes really, really hard, but instead I said, "Dad, speaking of late, weren't you supposed to be going to the clinic about now?" And he's all, "Oh, God, I forgot I don't have the day off!" And then bye-bye punster.

Well, I hope Liz doesn't hurt herself or anyone else with that forklift. And that she manages to get home today without Gordo or anyone else tricking her into more tours or pulling her in2 anyone else's dram, know what I mean?

Uh-oh, Gerald's trying to get me on IM. I can only guess what he wants!

Apes out

What Duncan Heard

So, Duncan tells me he just happened to be going by Gordo's garage when he noticed Liz was putting on her helmet an' getting ready to ride the motorcycle. Duncan's never ridden on a motorcycle before, so he wanted to ask her for a ride on the back (he didn't know she can't do that). He heard (swears he didn't eavesdrop) Liz asking Gordo if Anthony is happy, and Gordo saying, well, he loves the baby, house, and work. Duncan says Liz was all, "But what about his wife", and Gordo was all, "He tries to love her". Then Liz got this faraway look of Deep Concern. Dunc was in such a hurry to tell me all this, he never did ask Liz for that ride--he ran over here as fast as he could.

Liz, this sounds soooooo bad! Stay the f. away, I swear! Do your landscaping, call that Dennis guy to go out dancing in "the big smoke", see if you can get Helicopter Walter on his cell. But run, run, run from Anthony!

NEway, Dad and I each had a pint of ice cream while watching Degrassi, but now Dad's being all paranoid, saying Mom cd be back NE minute, so we'd better hide the "evidence".

Later, peeps

April

Fishing With Dad

Wow, Duncan was right when he guessed Dad would be taking me fishing (in the comments to my last post). Good spying, Dunc! Oh, but could you stop spying? That'd be great, thanks!

NEway, I don't usually care much about fishing, because just about every other time we've gone, it's been all about sittin' around doing pretty much nothing while Dad makes puns, tells me stories about trains an' teeth, and catches fish while I get nothing. So finally things go my way. Mine, mine, mine! Ha ha ha! Well, ok, I guess I was pretty excited about this for a little bit there. Dad even seemed happy for me most of the day. But then just as we were leaving, his whole mood turned, and suddenly he was all mad, like you could almost imagine a big storm cloud in his thoughts, if u cd even see some1's thoughts. What's the dealio, Dad? He was like that the whole way home. When I told Liz about it, she put her finger to her lips like "shhhhh" and got out one of her psych books from university. She opened to the page on "bipolar disorder" and raised her eyebrows. Could she be onto something there?

Meanwhile, I heard Mom asking Dad where all those fish were, cuz she'd like to cook them up. Dad's voice was so quiet I couldn't hear it, but I cdn't miss Mom's answer: "You did WHAT? You threw them BACK?!? Of all the bone-headed, idiotic Patterson things to do. You march right outside and go to the store, cuz now I'm craving me some seafood! GO!!!"

Uh-oh. . . . Sounds like Mom's rounding us up again, for "training". Gotta go.

Apes out

"Imagining . . . a Different Life"

I looked around a bit at that message board where AnthDad2FranMilboro has been posting, and I found that he had an off-topic post called "Imagining . . . a Different Life" (his punctuation). It was this long, weird fantasy about being married to "the lovely NotLiz" after "mean wife" disappears. His NotLiz is like this perfect person who never gets mad about anything. He even uses the words "Ultra-loving giver-goddess super-nurturing but still sexy dynamo". I am very scared for Liz.

Becky and I were IM-ing back an' forth about how creepy it is that Duncan's so obsessed with other ppl's sex life. Then Becky sent me this image she made:

Wouldn't you rather have that than a creepy porcelain doll of me when I was little?

Oh, by the way, I just got off the phone with Mike. Would you believe he called to ask for Mom's recipe for boiled turnips? Apparently, Dee was crying about how she always has to do all the cooking, so Mike promised to make their next dinner. Boy sure can be clueless!

Oh, I see Becks is back on IM. I'm gonna see what she wants.

Apes out

St. Anthony

Well, I don't read message boards for new parents, cuz why wd I? But some1 anonymously sent me a link to a mssg bd where AnthDad2FranMilboro was posting. Apparently, he wrote this as his intro:

Hi, everyone! I am a new dad to a beautiful, precious baby girl. She means the world to me, but her mother, my D[amned] W[ife], is this cold, withholding, driven career type who wants nothing to do with our baby. She'd barely squeezed the poor babe out before she was planning her next business meeting and checking the continuing-ed course catalogue. Not that this stopped her from extorting money
from our friends at the baby shower. I admit I was the one who really wanted to have a baby, but I figured once she held our little "bundle of joy" in her arms, she'd melt, and her maternal instincts would kick in.

Well, I'm here to tell you, that didn't happen. I was so embarrassed in the hospital when the nurse asked DW if she wanted to breastfeed, and she just laughed and said, "If Mr. Mom over there cannot do it, you'd better just run along and get us some bottles and formula".

So anyway, I'm a full-time SAHD now. My wonderful boss, whom I'll call Mr. Moneybags here, lets me do my accounting job from home
while defrauding the Canadian government on paternity leave. I carry the baby around in a Bjorn all day, so I think I know what pregnancy must feel like, LOL. It's the toughest job I'll ever love, but I must admit I get lonesome, especially since DW goes away on business trips and job-related courses all the time. I think I'm up for the sacrifice, but I can't help thinking about the beautiful, selfless, intelligent girl who dumped me after we dated in high school, the lovely, um, NotLiz. Anyway, baby's waking from her nap, gotta go!

So, I hope Liz keeps her distance, because this just sounds like a bad scene. Maybe she should have stayed up in Noble-North land.

Apes out

Can I go to the farm now?

It's getting kinda hard to think of things to say when I write those letters about the pets every month, and sometimes I get the feeling that hardly NE1 is even looking at them. But Mom insists we do one every month, an' as you prolly know, that's usually my job. I might (I'm not sure yet) get a break from it when I'm at the farm this summer, but even so, I'd have to do it again when I got back. So I started to think of some ideas to make 'em more interesting, or at least see if NE1 is paying attention. Like for example I could say Eddie got sent home from remedial horseback riding for fightin' with the other students. Or he's got a time out for telling Dixie that her pants make her butt look fat. Or that Shiimsa and Butterscotch went online and tried to sell the house on eBay.

So I'm in the middle of that when the phone rings. Dad was afraid it would be Mom, so again, I picked it up. This angry female voice with a French accent starts cursing and yelling about homewreckers, and it's a while before I'm able to put tog. that some neighbour called Thérèse @ work and told her that Gordo and Liz were stopping by the house to see Anthony. She told me, "You tell your beetch seester that eef she try to steal my 'usband, I cut her!" Then she hung up. I'm pretty sure that this musta been Gordo's idea, but T didn't give me a chance 2 say NEthing.

Peeps, I am soooooooooooo ready 2 go 2 that farm. I'm gonna go put those cute little short-shorts in my suitcase now!

Apes out

I Dunno

Lawrence called to find out what was taking Liz so long to get to work. I told him I didn't know. After Gordo called from his car, I figured it wouldn't be much longer before they got to the landscaping place. Lawrence said, "Gordo, huh? What'd he do, detour to his new house and give Liz the grand tour?" We both laughed. But then Lawrence said, "No, I'm serious!" Is this something Gordo's been doing a lot lately? Cuz wdn't it not make sense for them to stop if Liz has to get to work? Oh, I dunno.

For some reason, Mom an' Mike keep telling Liz stuff about Anthony. Anthony's new (Gordo's old) house, Anthony's baby, Anthony's mustache, Anthony's sensible shoes. Liz says "That's great, but what's your point?" Then they get kinda shifty. "He's off-limits, you know. Married," says Liz, and they give her that pitying look they both get on their faces. You know the one that makes you want to give that face a smack?

I bought some cute low-rise short-shorts to wear at the farm, but I hid them so Mom wouldn't take 'em away. Or worse, make me wear leggings under them. You've gotta be a little sneaky in this house, my peeps.

Apes out
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Character/cast list has been updated.

Gordo = Donald Trump of Milborough?

So, did ya hear Gordo's successful? Started small but kept building up his Gordo empire? Yeah, it's a biiiiiiiiiig topic in Milborough. Some ppl even say he should have the "Donald Trump" role in Apprentice Canada, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Besides, he's a pretty modest guy. Mike recently begged him to let Portrait do a big story on him, an' he said "no".

NEway, Gordo called from his car and said Liz had just delivered one of those groany not-quite-punny Patterson lines. She was even tryin' to be nice, he said, but that line just killed it for him. I heard Liz apologizing in the background: "I'm a Patterson! Elly and John have warped my brain!" I hope I'm not doomed, peeps! I tried asking why Gordo was driving Liz when she was supposed to be using the motorcycle, but he said, "Gotta go, I almost hit a deer!" and hung up.

So, yeah, Gordo. Y'know, the last time I saw him, when I went to their place to babysit, he was telling me that even though he was doing well and all, he was sad that he's got this double chin and looks like a middle-aged man steada bein' Mike's age. What is it with him and Anthony, anyway? Maybe some scientists oughta look into this.

Well, Mom's at the shop, so Dad and I are gonna eat ice cream with our feet up on the coffee table while we can. Plus bad TV!

Apes out

Biker Liz Again!

As you may know, Gordo's letting Liz use the motorcycle again for the summer. Liz is glad she won't have to go through the trouble of convincing Mom to let her ride it, like last summer. Too bad she can't let me ride with her. That would be so cube*. But maybe I'll meet a biker boy in Winnipeg. What? It cd happen!

But what Liz doesn't know is that Mom actually phoned Gordo to try an' get him to say the motorcycle's broken or gone or something. She slammed the phone down when he said "no". "I MADE him!" She yelled. Dad actually tried to calm her down, but she threatened to smash his
So he ran away. Then she went over to Connie's. Poor Connie. Lawrence told Liz that his mom hides when she sees ours coming up the walkway, but Elly P has a way of sneakin' up on ppl!


*Becks an' I told our 'rents that this is a new slang word all the kids are using now. "Cube" like "ice". It's like cool, but even better, cuz ice is, y'know, cold. Go ahead an' tell ur 'rents 2. Let's see if we can trick 'em into using it when they're trying to be "cube" like the kidz!

Animal Zone

So, I'm having my coffee an' vitamins when I hear a doggie-kitty commotion outside. First barking, then scuttling, then mrowwwing. I don't even wanna go 2 see what's goin' on, but my mom says she's busy inspecting the house to make sure none of us have made any of our "boneheaded mistakes". "You go, April, you're not busy!" No, of course not, cuz I'm just a kid, right?

Well, so I'm not in a big hurry to go out, an' by the time I get there, I see Shiimsa looking kinda like she has a headache. Then I notice Eddie looks like he's almost laughing at her. I know I had this whole zen theory about him, but I don't think that was very "zen" of him!

Then I go into the house and upstairs. Liz is in her room sewing a little dress for Shiimsa. I tell her what I saw, and she tells me Edgar's a brute who needs etiquette lessons. Says she was watching a talk show an' they had doggie charm school and Eddie totally has to go. I doubt Mom and Dad would go for that, though.

Afterwards, I find Dad in his choo-choo room. He asks me what the noise was, so I tell the dummass story again, and he's all, "Well, it's the DOG days of summer, you know", then waits for me to laugh. "My laugh track's broken", I say, but then I feel bad cuz he looks so sad.

Meanwhile, Mom's making hrmphy sounds in the kitchen. When I get there, she points at the salt an' pepper shakers on the table. "What's wrong with this, April? Can you TELL me what's WRONG with this?" I'm thinkin' I can't win when she's like this, so I keep quiet. She gets out her little tape measure from the pocket of her bathrobe and measures the space between them. "These should be exactly 7.5 centimetres apart, April! You know that!" She adjusts them by the, I dunno, two millimetres difference, and adds, "Now GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" So I go up and write this entry. Whatevs, Mom. I'm gonna go check out my chat roomz now, peeps!

TTYL, Apes

"A Patterson is a Second-Rate Richards"

Well, there's not too much to say about the whole band sitch at the mo. Liz tries to comfort me by reminding me I'm goin' off to the farm for the summer an' leaving everything behind. Well, that includes Gerald, an' I'm not sure how I feel about that. Becky says maybe I'll meet a cute farmboy and forget about everything. I don't know. Meanwhile, I thought I'd explain something about my mom.

Many peeps have the impression that my mom thinks that Pattersons are superior to everyone. That's not exactly true. Actually, my mom thinks that Richardses are superior to everyone. Keep in mind that she's a Patterson by marriage, but a Richards by birth. Pattersons are good, too. After all, my mom married one. But in her mind, a Patterson is a second-rate Richards. (She actually blurted this out once during an argument with my dad. I wasn't supposed to hear that.) So in her head, she, Gramps, and Uncle Phil are a bit higher up than Dad, Aunt Bev, an' my other grandparents. Liz, Mike, an' I are somewhere in between, cuz we've got Richards blood along with Patterson blood. Sometimes I think Mom must have a secret chart somewhere that she uses to keep track of percents and ranks.

NEway, once you know that my mom thinks that a Patterson is a second-rate Richards, u can understand a bit better the way she sometimes treats Dad. Pattersons are better than most peeps 2 her, but they have flaws that need to be corrected. Like loading the dishwasher wrong or arranging the linens in anything other than color and alphabetical order. She watches her kids closely for signs of these weak Patterson traits so's she can train 'em out of us.

So now u must be thinking this explains a lot about us Patts kids, an' u'd be right. Sometimes Liz an' I joke about giving each other gift certs for therapy.

Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go dream about Gerald now (I hope this won't be a nightmare!).

Apes dreaming

No, Liz, that's just. . . . well, no.

Omigah, Liz, what I need is some perspective, y'know, from a kinda neutral source, to let me know if I'm freakin' out too much over the Becky stuff or if I have a point, or whatev. What I don't need is some lame punchline that's not even a pun, and so like sumthin' Mom or Dad would say right b4 waiting for us to LOL over how hifrigginlarious they are. So, just no.

Maybe after Liz pauses for the laugh that's never coming from me, she'll get around to sayin' sumthin' helpful? I dunno, let's wait an' see.

NEway, to take our minds off this for a bit, look at this "coloring page" featuring Becks an' me when we were littles. See, Becks, they're not just embarrassing and exploiting me, but sharin' the joy!

TTYL, Apes

Liz Has Ways of Making Me Talk!

Well, Gerald an' I didn't end up smoochin' that much after all, with Duncan starin' in that mirror. It was jus' too creepy! We ended up snugglin' a bit an' that was pretty much it. Tell ya the truth, I was kinda glad to see both of 'em go.

Then Liz made her comment about how Ger an' I are a "cozy couple". Well, I did tell her an' every1 else that we're "just friends" so I guess I can't really blame her for sayin' sumthin', but I wasn't in the mood! I'm glad she backed off.

I wasn't gonna talk to her at all, but since she didn't start interrogating me like a crim suspect, like Mom woulda, suddenly I wanted to tell her stuff. Go fig.

BFN, Apes

Long Way Home

You're probably wonderin' what happened between Beckers' tellin' us the band's not good enough for her an' Liz suddenly drivin' the rest of us home. OK, so we're all standin' there, not knowin' what to say, Duncan kinda groaning in the back. Then this fat guy in an undershirt and faded jeans comes in an' yells "is Becky McGuire here"? So she follows him out an' we all run after her, cuz I think we were all figuring he must be one of her mom's boyfriends, but it turned out she'd called a taxi.

After Becks pulls off, I'm like, "what now", an' Gerald's like, "let's think about sumthin' else", an' he puts his arm around me. Jus' then, I see Liz drivin' up in the CrevASSe. After I tell Liz that the party's pretty much over, Gerald's like, "Liz, could I hitch a ride?" an' she's all, OK. Then Dunc is like, "Oh, if he's gettin' a ride then so am I". Liz of course makes sure they call their moms. NEway, Gerald wants 2 kiss a bit in the backseat, which, with my big sis drivin', well, that's a bit ew, but I want to take my mind off this band stuff. But u know what? Everytime I look up, I notice Duncan STARING at us in the rearview, which besides bein' all yuck is kinda awkward to do from the passenger's seat. Maybe we shoulda taken up Liz on that pizza after all.

That's all for now.

More Band Drama

Wow.

Notice how Duncan just kinda sidled up to us during this band talk? That is just sooooo Duncan. NEhow, ouch, Becks. The band's good enough, but not good enough for Becky? See, she's never said NEthing like this b4, but I guess she musta been thinkin' it for a while. All this time, I thought we were all really, really into the band an' imagining us goin' on the road together after high school. An' then we'd all be "somebody" some day. And I admit, I've kinda felt like I'm in charge of 4Evah, even tho the lead singer gets the most attention. So that makes it hurt extra, y'know?

Notice how Becks got so worked up she had both hands in fists? Gerald actually jumped back a tiny bit, like he was afraid she'd sock him. If I hadn't been so stunned with what Becks was sayin' I think I woulda laughed at him for that. Scaredy!

Well, as u can tell, there's gonna be more drama, so stay tuned!

Shocked Apes out

Band Drama

There goes Becky tryin' to save me from myself! "Don't let me interrupt anything!" Yeah, I guess Gerald an' I were getting a little, um, carried away.

Then Gerald finally gives Becks her props for the song after avoidin' her all night. Better late than never, Ger! An' listen to what a perfectionist she is, tellin' us her song was just "okay" and she can do better. Girl's got some drive, doesn't she?

But then Becks really drops a bomb on us. See, I kinda just figured she didn' tell us about her song cuz it was a surprise, not cuz she didn' want 4Evah to play at the ceremony. Right now this feels kinda like gettin' my face slapped! Tune in for more dram, peeps!

Apes out

Gramps?

Y'know, I love Gramps an' everything, but sometimes I just don' know about him. I got this totally random call from him braggin' about how his walker is better than some other old guy's walker. Somethin' about rear spring-loaded yadda an' dual padded foldin' blah blah, turnin' sumthin' an' three chime ha-ha. I find him much less disturbin' when he's goin' on about gr00peez askin' him to sign their body parts!

Well, if yer NEthing like me, an' I know you are, you find the Gramps stuff pretty dull NEway, an' you want to hear more about the dance an' all. Well, Becks told me that the DJ guy was totally hittin' on her while tellin' her he can make her the next Britney, Jessica, or Christina. An' Becks is all, cha, as if. She sez she hates it when guys act like she'll fall for NEthing just cuz she's pretty. An' as for Gerald an' me, well, I feel a big blush comin' on. . . .

That's all 4 now, peeps!

Apes out
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User note: Character/cast list is up at the "April Meta-Blog."

Don't Hurry, Liz!

I know I told you in my March letter that Gerald an' I are trying to be "just friends", but I kinda forgot all that at the dance. First we do all these dances, an' next thing I know we're out in the hallway makin' out. I just hope Liz doesn't catch us an' tell Mom. Be cool, Liz!

Becky gots lots of attention at the dance! Kids who barely talked to her the whole time we went to that school were suddenly comin' up to her to tell her how cool an' talented she is. Duncan kept shootin' her dirty looks an' mumblin' under his breath whenever some1 came over to give her some props. Duncan's been my friend forever (insert 4-Evah joke here) an' I luv him, but he's gotta chill!

I'll give ya all more deets soon, tho I have a feeling I'm goin' off on a tangent tomorrow.

Smoochy Apes out
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Regular posters, please read this thread and let us know what you think.

He means DANCE!

Aw, Gerald's talkin' all sweet 2 me, an' I'm such a sucker 4 that, I can't even tell you! Becky's been tellin' me I oughta trade up, but I can't help havin' a soft spot for ol' Gerald. And what girl can resist bein' told she looks awesome? Then he even wants to do a slow dance with me, which is great an' all, but it was a bit awkward since there was a fast song playin'. Oh, well, the next song was a slow one, so it ended up workin' out.

In other news, it looks like ol' Apes is growin' some cleavage, can u believe it? It's weird how sometimes I look like I've got nuthin' an' other times I've got the boobage goin' on.

Ugh, Jeremy!

Jeremy Jones! It's bad enuf that he's got some stank-ass B.O. goin' on there, but then he has to say all this stuff about how Becks'll think she's too big for the band. What does he know? He's jealous that we even have a band! An' can u believe that lame line about "nothing lasts 4-Evah"? What's he been doin', hangin' out with my Dad? To top it all off, Jeremy got really drunk in the first 20 minutes of the dance. Looza!

So Becks is flirtin' with the DJ, what diff does that make? An' so what if she's feelin' like a bigshot tonight--she deserves it. Every1 totally loved her song!

TTYL

Apes

Close Encounters With Elly Patterson?

Well, I sure hope the pets are gettin' along okay while my friends an' I are at the dance. I'll fill u in with the deets on that l8r, peeps, but meanwhile, someone left a comment that has given me an idea for this post. Have you had any weird experiences with my Mom? If so, leave a comment! Y'know, being a Patterson can be a strange an' scary thing. One summer, Mom had "Proud to be a Patterson" t-shirts made for us all. I couldn't wait to "lose" mine at camp. I think Mike still wears his, though. NEway, here's the story that gave me this idea:

wanda kragletooth said...
You may not know me, but I have a "Elly Patterson Horror Story" I would like to share.I went to Lillypad's or whatever that place is called to find a book for my grandson and she kept following me the entire time and kept making snide comments about what I was wearing. I don't know what she was talking about because I dress 1000x better than that old hag.

Guest Blogger: Mike Patterson

Peeps, my big bro nagged me until I let him post his "advice", since he was a no-show for my big event. We'll get back to regular Apes programming as soon as poss, I promise. . . .
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Advice From Your Big Brother
by
Michael Patterson
Editor of Portait Magazine
Freelance writer
Editor at Large
Allaround bigshot

Dear April,

Thank you for letting me post my world-weary, winsome (lose-some) wisdom to your wonderful, witty weblog. As I write this, in the backyard, a gentle breeze hits my face, and I remember my own grade 8 grad fifteen years ago. What a youthful scamp I was, donning my suit, letting Dad help me with my tie, facing the new challenges that lay ahead. Hey, look, it's the Kelpfroths' laundry. I never imagined Winnie to be the thong type, that is way too much information, but it's okay because at least they're saving energy by hanging their laundry out to dry. But they're evil people who smoke cigars and hate children, so even when they do the right thing, I'm compelled to make nasty remarks about them.

"Nasty remarks" makes me think of peer pressure, and that's what I want to address next, and by that I don't mean my postal address, I mean that's what I'm about to talk about next. The teenage years are infested with peer pressure like the flat I shared with Weed in college was infested with cockroaches, but that's because we were slobs, though at least we had our Ned doll, and we knew how to let loose and have fun. But you should never let loose and have fun, because you're a girl, and girls have different rules, because girls can get pregnant. So no matter how much your friends pressure you, never let a boy touch you below the waist. Actually, you shouldn't let them touch you much above the waist, either, I figure there's maybe about three inches of space in the waist region where you might--might--let a boy touch you, but only very very briefly, and then that's it young lady! And don't even think about having S-E-X before you get married, and then only to have children, exactly two, a girl and a boy.

The breeze that gently caresses my face reminds me of other times breezes have gently touched my face, as I lay in our parents' backyard, listening to Elton John on my boombox, relaxing until I heard Mom yell, "TURN OFF THAT BLASTED JUNGLE MUSIC, MICHAEL PATTERSON, OR I SWEAR I WILL TAKE YOU TO ALASKA AND THROW YOU IN A SNOW DRIFT!" I still get choked up thinking about that now. Mom loves us so much! Remember always to listen to her sage advice, as she really does know best. Right, Mom? Please don't hurt me!

In conclusion, breezes are good, peer pressure, sex, and Kelpfroths are bad, and Mom knows everything. Wow, I can't believe my Little Sis is going to be in high school. High school. High. . . . . Oh, man, do I have the munchies!

Love,

Michael
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Wow, peeps, can you believe that shizzit? Sorry about that, but you wouldn't believe the naggin'!

Apes

I get to stay out 'til 11!

Hey, I know it looks like I'm takin' credit for the ceremony bein' nice an' Becks havin' talent, but didn' you ever have one of those stupid, automatic things come outta yer mouth? Like, "Happy Birthday!" "You, too!" Besides, I was all thinkin' about the dance--and now Mom says Liz is pickin' me up at 11!

It's nice to hear someone in my fam praisin' Becks 4 a change, but I kinda wish my mom woulda said it, since she's always all "spoiled only child, divorcing parents", yada yada.

Well, time to have some fun b4 I'm off to Greenacres. . . . .

April out

Leapin' Lizardbreath!

Liz says she thinks a Landscaping With Lawrence exercise video would sell well. I dunno, would you buy that?

So anyway, Liz was totally beat from workin' at Lawrence's place, an' I can't say I blame her for boltin' when Mom came lookin' for someone to mow the lawn. She'd spent the whole day doin' yard stuff. But guess who got stuck doin' the lawn? Yup, lil 'Pril. This wouldn' be so bad for a kid with normal parents, but my mom's got all sorts of crazy rules for mowin' a lawn "properly". So even after I was done cutting the grass, I had to stand there while Mom did her inspection, measuring the grass, running her fingers along the edges, comparing the lawn to pictures, sniffing the air above the grass while flappin' her arms toward herself. Then there are always "corrections" to make. Yeah, I wish I were makin' this stuff up.

I promise to stop talkin' about grad soon. . . .

Wow, who knew Becks was feelin' so sentimental about this occasion? You're fulla surprises, my friend!

So, I was thinking about all that grad merchandise I linked to in my last post, and figured if anyone exploits me an' my graduation, it oughta be me. What do you think of this?

Be sure to order it in a nice, snug size so u can look like a hands-on roadside gig!

---

Edited to add:

Speakin' of exploitin' me, I found this. I can't believe they're using that pic of me for a paper doll. I look terrible! So much for my body image. I'm gettin' on the treadmill right now!

Rebecca McGuire Takes the Spotlight

Gerald seems kinda mad about Becks takin' the stage to sing at grad. Maybe cuz he thought 4Evah coulda played as a group? Well, there's not too much more to say about this right now. Wait an' see what happens. . . .

An' yeah, even I'm tired of hearin' me talk about grad, grad, grad, all grad all the time. I guess next thing ya know it'll be farm, farm, farm. But I'll try to mix things up a bit. Maybe Aunt Bev can give me some dirt on Dad.

By the way, do you ever have a weird feeling you're being exploited? An' that's not even how I'm dressed for grad. Not only that, but some of those pics look like they're from when I was like four or five. WTF? And those 4/5 pics would be bad enough without the one where it looks like I'm makin' out with Dad. Am I supposed to be that excited about kindergarten grad?