Getting a H8 On

I can B such a petty, petty girl sumtymez. The day after Eva told me abt Ger having that gig w/Becky's band, where he'll get $150 an' B on TV, I was sitting next 2 Eva on the bus, being all, "I wanna know what's going on w/Becky an' Gerald, Eva." So I sed, "I'm gonna talk 2 them!" No, w8, of course I didn't say that. I'm a friggin' Patterson. I had 2 sit there and whine 2 Eva instead of going 2 the source[s]. So Eva sed, "I told U all I know.... Her drummer isn't available 4 this thing she's doing @ the mall, so she asked Gerald 2 fill in." And I went, "Hmph. So, he's gonna slither over 2 'the other side.'" The other side? What is my problem? And Eva was all, "It's just a telethon, April. It's not like she asked him 2 go on the road." And I closed my eyez, all smug Patterson, and sed, "Oh, I'd ask him 2 go on the road, alright." Then I half-opened my smug Patterson eyez and sed, "Then...I'd stomp all over him." Eva went in2 silhouette and laffed like an enabler.

OMG, I wish I cd get a grip on myself. I wish the stoopid Witch of Corbeil weren't obsessed with having me h8 on Becky and demand all my friends and associates 2 h8 on her or B considered disloyal. OMG, I don't h8 Becky, I won't h8 Ger 4 associ8ing w/her. What I h8? BEING APRIL PATTERSON.

Xxcuse me while I go mope 4 no good reason.

Apes

Territory-Marking

Mike had sum more 2 say abt his recent jog w/Dee in our neighbourhood:

April,

Formerly little sis. I think your readers may be interested in the conversation I had with my beloved Deanna after we stopped running until I was too tired to think. As you know from your younger years, one of the best places to not think is the ravine. There was no stream of water there this time, and I tried my best to get my body into the pose of Rodin’s The Thinker, but I couldn’t get the hand positions right. Fortunately my lovely Deanna sat down beside me and started moving my left arm from my face. Obviously she remembered Rodin’s The Thinker had his head on his right hand. Not only is my wife beautiful, but she has an uncanny memory for great art.

While she was doing this I looked forward and engaged in some small talk with her. I said, “Wow. We actually bought my parents’ house, Dee.” I find that stating the obvious is one of the best ways to begin small talk. Deanna said, “Yes, we did.”

Well, there wasn’t much to work with from that response, so I tried feigning ignorance. I said, “Somehow, I just can’t get my head around it.” Deanna loves those kinds of ignorant statements, because she enjoys coming up with explanations for me. She loves it when I don’t know things, and I give her those opportunities often. It’s one of the secrets to our successful marriage.

Deanna gave an explanation, “Maybe that’s because your folks and April are still living there.” As you can tell formerly little sis, Deanna spelled out the fact that you will be moving out, which is a detail our parents have a hard time getting their heads around. She also didn’t mention the difficulty in getting Elizabeth to leave for her apartment.

I managed to get my hand in the proper The Thinker pose by then, so since I was in a receptive and thoughtful mood, she recounted to me her list of things she wants me to do around the house. I will repeat them for your enjoyment and delectation. She said, “Once we have it all to ourselves, we can

a. change the carpeting,
b. update the cabinets,
c. paint all the rooms
d. varnish the hardwood
e. put in new appliances
f. new drapes,

and then, we’ll feel like it truly belongs to us!!!” My first thought was that it was going to be a long time before it feels like it truly belongs to us, because I have a sense the hardest part of that whole process is going to be, “Once we have it all to ourselves.” I was going to respond just that way, when everything went dark. It was one of those infernal sudden silhouettes, which plague the town.

While I was waiting for it to get light again, I pondered a pithy statement with which to come back to Deanna. Some of my choices were:

a. Birds just poop on anything underneath them…Humans have to wait until their mother moves away to throw out poop.
b. Beavers just build dams anywhere they please and call it home…Humans have to buy a home and make their wives happy first.
c. Turtles just carry their homes on their backs…Humans have to carry a mortgage.
d. Animals just mark their territory…Humans have to redecorate.

I decided to go with (d), although all of them were pretty stupid. I just don’t think as well when I turn to silhouette.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, mayB U shdn't use the "marking territory" analogy out loud w/Dee, since U used that one in your "downstairs neighbours" article when U lived in Toronto. Dee mite get insulted. Even tho U @ least weren't thinking she's "primitive" as U were 4mul8ing this analogy. But if Weed suggests U write a "humourous xxposé" abt buying a house, I suggest U pass.

Apes

And we jump away again!

Yeah, so just when U thot sumthing mite B resolved w/Ger and mayB even w/Becky in the same package--we're jumping 2 MOM and the HOUSENING and MIKE AN' DEE! Such is Patterson storytelling, yo!

Recently, Mom was out in the backyard, looking after Merrie an' Robin, who were playing in the sandbox. Didn't know there's a sandbox back there now? Yeah, I hadn't noticed either. NEway, Mom was talking over the fence, 2 Connie, who noted that Mom and Dad have the keys and wanted 2 know when the move will happen. Mom sed it wdn't B 4 a while, but that she had been packing. She was all, "George still has 2 remove sum of his furniture, and there R repairs 2 B dun." When Connie sed she was glad she an' Mom wd still B neighbours, Mom was all, "Me 2." When Connie asked how Mike an' Dee felt abt buying their 1st house, and whether they were xxcited, Mom was all, "I'd say they're taking it in stride."

Meanwhile, even tho Mike and Dee had never, ever been in2 running 4 fitness, they were out 4 a run 2gether in the neighbourhood. Mike sez that when Dee asked him "How long do U want 2 keep running?" he was all, "'Til I'm 2 tired 2 think." I was like, "Mike? What possessed U 2 take up running?" And Mike got that sorta gobsmacked look ppl R always getting around here, and he sed, "I have a strange feeling I took it up 4 the sole purpose of servicing a pun." Then he looked proud and sed, "But 4 a Patterson, I can't think of NE higher purpose than that." I rolled my eyes and went 2 the rec room 2 review my lines 4 A Midsummer Nite's Dream.

Apes

Moping and "TREASON"

So, back 2 when I was moping 2 Eva. After we'd finished the Hot Spudz potato chips, we went outside and sat on the front steps. I asked, "Do U think I'm weird, Eva?" And Eva was all, "Nope. If U're weird, then I'm weird, 2." And 4 a sec I thot abt Eva's cowpoke talk and how ppl def think that's weird, and I felt slightly panicky, but then I remembered what I wanted 2 say next, which was, "I feel, like, totally alone sumtymez. Nobody understands me. Nobody listens, nobody cares... I don't even think that Gerald does!" And Eva, who had disturbingly gone in2 silhouette, sipped sum non-silhouette water and sed, "Yeah... Gerald." Then, I think mayB cuz she realized she was all silhouetty, and wanted 2 B C'n 4 what she sed next, Eva stood up and got in front of me. Then, not in silhouette NEmore, she was all, "Did U know that he's agreed 2 do a gig w/Becky?" And I was all, "WHAT?!! That's, like, TREASON! What wd make him commit treason?!!" OK, I know it's not treason, but that's the kind of emo mood I was in that day. And Eva was all, "150 bucks, and a chance 2 B C'n on TV." And I went, "Oh." Yo, Becks, I'll do it 4 $100!!!

Apes

Mom goes "Edgewise"

Hey, so did NE1 catch the latest ish of the Clarion Weekly? U mite know abt my bro's column, "Edgewise." Well, looks like they got a guest author 4 the most recent edition:

Edgewise

by

Michael Patterson

Editor's note: Due to family obligations, Michael Patterson has had to take a break from his series on "What has gone wrong with Portrait Magazine since I left." Our guest columnist this week is Michael Patterson's mother Elly.

Hello, Michael's readers! I am so honoured to be my brilliant son's substitute for this week's column! I know that Michael considers you all his friends, and any friend of Michael is a friend of mine.

With that in mind, friends, I would like to address something serious that occurred to me recently. Even though we'd just finished selling our house to Michael and his lovely wife Deanna, while buying a new home of our own, we had not yet moved out. And some damage to our new home, from a wayward tree, was delaying that process. Despite all the turmoil, I still took the time to compost the skins from the spuds I'd peeled for my family's dinner. A potato a day keeps the doctor away, I say!

Lovingly, I bundled cardboard for recycling. I took the cardboard and plastic bottles out in the appropriate recycling bins, and then I went through the entire house and replaced the incandescent bulbs with low-energy compact flourescents. In every bathroom, I hung a sign with "this house saves water," to remind every member of this household to take fast showers, turn off the faucet when brushing teeth, flush only for the "big stuff," and employ other water-preserving techniques.

After all that, I had some shopping to do, but instead of taking my Crevasse sportswagon, I took one of those buses that say "Conserve: Take Public Transit" on them. And I felt awfully virtuous. Until the bus pulled onto that stretch of highway where all the smokestacks are. The one we in Milborough refer to as "Smokestack Row." Then I became depressed, thinking that all of my efforts were nary a "drop in the bucket."

But this is where you come in, dear readers! If you all adopt the eco-friendly strategies you've seen me outline in this column, you can help me make the Greater Toronto Area, and even the world, a better place. Won't you join me? Well, you're Michael's friends, and Michael's a good boy. So I'm sure any friends of his will do the right thing. Oh, and of course, if you have any environmentally friendly practices of your own, please feel free to write in to the paper, c/o this column. I am sure Michael will be happy to devote column space to making our planet a "greener" place!

Elly Patterson, guest columnist

Jeremy, U weren't kidding when U sed Honoria gets xxcited watching U work the equipment 4 sound an' lite @ Koolhaus. Don't worry, Honoria, it's really not nec. 2 apologize 4 "breaching decorum." NEway, thanx [4 reals this time] 4 the tix last night, Jeremy. Ger and I both had fun, even tho he knows he's on probation and I'm not sure how I feel abt him!

Apes

My magical, quasi-religious thinking

After Mike went 2 help out Dad w/the tree on the TTH, I asked Eva 2 come by and hang. We were sitting on the pull-out bed in the rec room, eating Hot Spudz potato chips, and I sed, "I feel so guilty, Eva." Cuz my brain was still stuck on its "my fault b/cuz I wished" groove I shda outgrown when I turned seven. Eva had actually gone thru normal development on this one, so she was all, "April, U had nothing 2 do with a tree falling on a house yr parents bought." I pressed on w/the ol' abracadabra thinking, all "I didn't want them 2 move. I wanted my brother 2 move. I wanted 2 stay here... in my room, in my house. I put a curse on that place!" Eva dedpanned, "Really." And I went on w/"I prayed that sumthing wd happen 2 them here--and then the tree falls!" Eva was like, "Well, there's no such thing as curses, OK?" She prolly shda stopped there, but she went on w/"...It was an act of God." Now, I KNOW this is just, like, a rote phrase ppl use when they refer 2, like, natural disasters like hurricanes and tornadoes. They don't really mean, like, GOD did this. BUT the way my brain was [not] thinking, this wasn't the rite thing 2 say 2 me @ the mo. So I froze mid chip-chomp. I ended up getting over this, but @ the moment, I don't remember how long it took 4 me 2 come 2 my senses. Did it take so long that I'll B telling more abt this story on Monday? I don't know 4 sure, but I've got a bad, bad feeling.

Jeremy, thanx 4 the free Koolhaus tix 4 me an' Ger last nite. Sorry he whaled on U when he thot U and Honoria were, like "dirty dancing." He's so protective of his lil sis! Honoria, I know U R mad @ Ger rite now, but in a way, it's sweet. I can't imagine Mike ever caring enuf 2 get so protective! He's just all, "Fulfill yr Patterson destiny! Marry a childhood sweetheart! Don't B like Liz!"

Apes

Being owned and stuff

Michael posted sum stuff abt what happed over @ Mom an' Dad's new teeny-tiny train house:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when Dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

Love,
Michael Patterson

So Mike U kinda got pwned a lil bit, eh? What I wanna know is when U suddenly got so much taller than Dad? Or have U just been standing on sumthing when U're near him l8ly?

Honoria, so adorable how U think I can defy the Witch. So, so cute. Not only is what U suggest impossible (like I just literally CAN'T do it), but then there R the sanctions She mite choose 2 impose on me 4 even TRYING that. Which can include but R not limited 2 turning me into a random animal (dog, possum, giraffe, what-have-you), regressing me 2 toddler or even baby size, giving me black acne (aka blacne), and NE # of horrible things I haven't even dreamed of, but which lurk in the evil recesses of Her mind. I guess the air must smell v. sweet in yr world, eh?

When I have more time, Honoria, I will have 2 go back in2 the old comments and show U sum of the things yr "Pater" has sed, according 2 Ger. I distinctly remember sumthing along the lines of Dr. F "not caring" abt the perspective of girls or how the parent of a daughter feels, since he only had sons [sorry--this was in his 4getful phase], and he wanted them 2 B "exceptional" when it comes 2 their sexuality (in large part cuz he himself had not been "exceptional"). It was all v. chilling. Also, ppl R alwayz saying that Ger and I have been a couple since we 1st kissed 4 yrs ago. That's not xxactly true. We went thru a lot of denial 4 a long time, mostly cuz of the band. We thot d8ing sum1 in the band was a v. v. bad idea, so there was a long stretch where we were officially "just friends" even tho we def had feelings 4 ea other. This confuses lots of ppl, including Ger and me.

Apes

I blamed myself

The day of the branchening, the way we found out abt this @ home was that Mike answered the fone, while Dee was feeding Robin, who was in his high chair. I heard Mike on his side of the call being like, "Really? Whoa! That's terrible! Sure, I'll get gassed up and ready." And B4 he'd even hung up, Dee was all, "What?!" Which is a bit rude, eh? And 4tunately, Mike didn't sit down and eat a can of baked beans 2 get "gassed up." U know he wd, just 4 the pun. NEway, he hung up the fone and answered Dee with "My folks just got the keys 2 Mr. Stibbs's house--when a tree fell on it! Dad's coming 2 get the chainsaw. I'll go and give him a hand." Mike shdn't use that phrase when Dad has a chainsaw, IYKWIM. NEway, I found myself thinking, "A tree fell on the house?!! It's an omen! This whole changing houses thing is... cursed! I never wanted my parents 2 move--I even prayed that sumthing wd happen 2 stop them!! It's all MY fault!!!" And now that I think back on all this, it occurs 2 me that I am WAY 2 old 2 actually believe that I've caused sumthing 2 happen by wishing 4 it. If I were 6, mayB, but I'm 16. Geez, what went wrong w/my development NEway?

Honoria, I think there R way, way 2 many defs 4 all these sexual euphemisms. Esp. since sum of the defs 4 "2nd base" R what I've always thot of as "3rd base." How confusing. OK, that xxplains stuff. I thot U were awfully happy abt being felt up. Being felt up was never that much of a biggie 2 me (no offense, Ger). BTW, U mite have the wrong ideas abt what Ger and I have or haven't done. But I'll try an' B ladylike abt all this, like U.

Apes

WonderTwin Dad Thinx He's Opposite

Thanx again 2 Nelson Muntz 4 writing in 2 let us know what U heard my 'rents saying outside of the Stibbs house recently, when that tree branch broke and fell on2 the roof. I heard a lil bit abt what happed next.

Mom and Dad went 2 take a closer look, and Mom was all, "What happened?" Dad sed, "A birch tree fell on the house!" Dad went on w/"Don't worry--it's probably minor damage." Then was was like, "But we just BOUGHT this place!" Mom: "I'm...I'm in shock!" Dad: "Things like this happen. We'll deal wi/it." Mom and Dad went in2 the house, and Mom started 2 freak, all "There's plaster all over the living room...And we haven't even moved in yet!" Dad was like, "That's a good thing!" And he embraced Mom, all, "Everything's going 2 B OK, honey." Mom asked, "How can U B so positive, when I'm so ANGRY?" And Dad squeezed her an' sed, "Opposites attract." Which is pretty hilarious considering he an' Mom have come 2 resemble ea other so much that ppl mix 'em up if it's not immediately clear who has a bun or who has a chin-butt (cleft).

Jeremy, thanx 4 helping me babysit Merrie an' Robin last nite. U had sum questions so I'll try an' answer:

april, i hadda good tyme sittin’ ur niece & nephew w/u, evn wen ur niece told us that story. that wuz a weird story ur niece told us ‘bout her mom. i mean it kinda makes sense, but it wuz weird. do u know if it’s true or not? i mean did ur sil rilly decide 2 buy ur house 2 raise her kids cuz it wuz her way of tellin’ her mom wut she thot ‘bout her az a mother compared 2 ur mom? wen u think ‘bout it, ur house iz not xxactly the best choice. there’s not ne young kids in the neighbourhood ne more, cuz they’re all like our age or oldah, & the house iz kinda old. ur niece wuz complainin’ there wuz no1 2 play w/ & i can kinda c it. they’ve been in ur house 5 months now & i can’t think of them playin’ w/ne1 but u & me wen i’m here. y wudn’t ur sis wanna buy a house in a new development, like gordon mayes did? there’s gotta b kids in the mayes’ neighbourhood. i dunno y ur sil wud punish the kids 2 make a point w/ur mom. & i felt kinda bad ur niece sed her othah grandparents usedta come ovah & visit @their old apartment in TO all the tyme, but haven’t been 2 visit ur niece & nephew, since rite aftah ur bro’s fam moved in aftah the fire.

I'm not really sure abt Dee an' her motives 4 wanting the house. Part of it seemz 2 B she has this picture in her hed of Merrie and Robin sumhow repeating the childhood Mike and Liz had when they were little, but w/out thinking abt how all the kids who were Mike and Liz's age then R also Mike an' Liz's age now, and the parents of those kids mostly have not moved out and been replaced w/lil kids and babies. But yeah, 4 all I know her Mira-h8 cd have sumthing 2 do w/it. I felt bad, 2. Mira's been a pain in the butt @ times, but she's v. v. good w/her grandkiddles, and they LUV her. It's mean 2 keep them away from one another.

i nevah knew i wuz gonna get that kinda reaction frum ur niece wen i asked her wut she thot ‘bout her grandma & grandpa’s new house gettin’ hit by the tree, so they cudn’t move. neway, i hadda good tyme sittin’ w/u like always. the only prob wuz that weird story & u gettin’ callz frum that diana artemis woman all the freakin’ tyme askin’ 4 a status.

Sorry abt all thoze interruptions from Dr. Artemis. The Johnston Institute ppl are a lil overeager. OK, a LOT overeager. I was also a bit surprised when Merrie got that fit of uncontrollable giggles when U were asking her 4 a reaction 2 the tree falling on the new teeny-tiny train house. I don't think I've ever seen a fit of the giggles that went on 4 so long. And of course, all that giggling from Merrie got Robin laffing 2, even tho he didn't understand what she was laffing abt! NEway, thanx again 4 helping w/the sitting!

Apes

Nelson sez, "Ha-ha!"

Hey, so I got an e-mail from Nelson Muntz:

Hey, April! I saw your parents outside the Stibbs house. Your mother said that since she's made up her mind, she can't wait to move in. And your dad said "Yes... We're going to enjoy this place. We did it. We've bought a smaller house--and the kids* are going to take ours!" Then your stupid parents sat on the front steps and your dad said that this was the right decision. Your mom said, "I know. I've said many times that our house was too big for just the two** of us." Then your dad, here comes the good part, April! Your dad said, "Everything's falling nicely into place." Then there was this huge "CRAAAA ACKKKK" sound from a big tree branch breaking, and a "...THUMMPP!!" from the branch falling right on the roof! I rode my bike right up to them and went, "HA-ha! You harassed that old guy till he sold you this house, and now, it's BROKEN!"

Nelson

Thanks for the scoop, Nelson! OK, so U C I stuck a "*" and a "**" in2 Nelson's message. Here's what I wanted 2 say:

*No, Dad, "the kids" are not taking "ours"; one of "the kids" is taking "ours"; Mike. Your other two kids are NOT taking "ours."

**What's this "too big for the two of us"? I'M STILL HERE!

Gah, all I can say rite now is that I'm SO glad that Nelson ha-ha'ed my 'rents.

Apes

P.S. Honoria, do U really think I M acting like I'm going 2 decide "no" abt 4giving Ger? U think I've been staying away from him on purpose? Every time I try 2 make planz w/him, he gets a txt message telling him he has another support-group meeting to go to. Everytime I try 2 do the kind of thing U suggest, like whispering, "this is not officially 4giving U, but..." I get a txt message from Diana Artemis, my official Johnston Institute "childhood sweetheart/potential husband" consultant, warning me not 2 get ahead of myself. But it's so cute how much agency U think we have!

Imagining Basement Prison

Well, the other day, I found Mom and Dad in the kitchen, where Mom was shuffling papers rel8ed 2 moving in2 the George Stibbs Teeny-Tiny Train House. And I was all, "U've decided then, 4 sure." And Mom was like, "We've made all the arrangements, April. We're going 2 move down the street." I sed, "I wanted that house 2 B Michael's." And Mom brushed that off w/"It's better this way, honey. Our house is the perfect size 4 his family, and it's 2 big 4 us." Then Mom's WonderTwin, Dad, was like, "We know U're upset. We hadn't planned 2 move until U were in university. ...This just happened 2 come along, and we cdn't pass up such a gr8 opportunity." "Just happened 2 come along"? OMG, Dad's been after Mr. Stibbs 4 YEARS 2 sell him the choo-choo house. NEway, Dad went on w/"U'll get used 2 living in a new house. We can finish the basement--just 4 U!" I pictured myself looking out from barred windows in a basement, like I was a prisoner, and I just got depressed. Then I remembered it's a 2-bedroom house, and I was all, "Dad, don't I get a bedroom?" He looked kinda shifty-eyed and sed, "Well, honey, we'll C. I'm going 2 have 2 figure out where I can put my trains, U C." Always with the trains.

Apes

Another Senior Snit From Mom

Mom had a tantrum over being offered the senior discount again. This happens NEtime mom's offered one of those discounts 4 peeps 55 or over, and guess what? Mom IS 55! She'll B turning 56 l8r this yr. So ppl accurately guess her age, is that so bad? Until I turned 16, ppl were always guessing I was still 12! That is so much worse.

NEway, what happed is that Mom took Liz an' me out 2 a restaurant. Mom was all, "The town needs to see us bonding as mother and daughters." Whatevs. But as soon as the w8er offered Mom that discount, she got a storm cloud over her head. And Liz and I had 2 restrain ourselves from laffing cuz that wda made Mom act even worse.

Once we'd gotten home again, I heard Dad asking Mom, "Whoa... What's got U in a snit?" Again with the Everett-Callahan/Keanu "Whoa." And I heard Mom responding all "It happened again, John. I went out 4 lunch and when the w8er came with the check, he offered me a seniors' discount! I've been asked @ the grocery store 2. I mean...they just assume that I'm over 55. John--do I look that old?" And Dad, who's two yrs older than Mom, BTW, came back w/"Do I?" And Mom was all, "No!!!" and "2 me, U look the way we did when we got married. I little more grey, perhaps--a bit more expression around the eyes... But the same." Dad sed, "U haven't changed much either. 2 me, U're yung and xxciting and beautiful." Then, Dad was all, "With that in mind--I'd like 2 invite U out 2 dine w/me @ a fancy restaurant and a movie afterwards." Mom was like, "John, U R so sweet!" Then he added, "...MayB we can get a seniors' discount!!"

OK, I don't get it. Mom is s00per cheap. She's so cheap she shaves the pills off of 30-year-old sheets insteada just buying new ones. And yet she doesn't even want discounts she's eligible 4 cuz she'd rather misrepresent her age? Weird.

And all this stuff abt Mom and Dad not looking diff than they did when they met. Oh, please! They looked way diff back then, and if U've seen old pix, U know what I mean. And they never used 2 LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER, which is the scariest thing abt them now.

Apes

2morrow we focus on sumthing else

Yeah, so I was out pretty l8 last nite, but fortch Iris has given me a key so I can get in2 the apt quietly an' not disturb NE1. Dennis North took me 2 Koolhaus last nite, since Ger is all bizzy w/his "frustr8ed childhood sweetheart of a Patterson woman" support groups he's required 2 attend. Jeremy got us in 2 the all ages show they were having in honour of Victoria Day this weekend. Liz was totally rite abt Dennis's dancing abilities, even 4 the kinda dancing U do @ Koolhaus (so glad he doesn't try 2 ballroom dance 2 music that doesn't go w/that!)

NEway, this morning, Iris told me abt how, recently, she was lying in bed awake while Gramps was sleeping next 2 her. I was a bit worried this was gonna B all TMI on odefoax in bed, but luckily it didn't go that way.

Iris told me that she was thinking, "When he's sleeping, he just looks like my Jim. --It's as if he'd never had a stroke @ all. I wonder if he can speak normally in his dreams. I wonder if he can run and walk again and do all the things he used 2 do. I wonder how much he remembers and understands. It's so hard 2 tell when he can't communic8 properly." Then she put a hand on his cheek and whispered, "Jim...I hope U know... that I luv U." I told Iris that since Gramps was sleeping, mayB he heard her in his dream and answered her. And Iris sed, "Oh, I hope so, dear. I hope in his dream, we were dancing. And that he gave me an answer like 'And lady... I am CRAZY abt U!!'" Gramps had been sleeping over in their bedroom while we were having this convo, and we didn't xxpect he heard NE of it, but after that last bit, we heard his voice coming from the bedroom: "Yes! Torquing Yes! Crazy U!" And Iris got all teary.

Oh, sumthing I almost 4got 2 tell U all abt. When I stopped by the house yesterday, Mike was looking thru old foto albums. He sed he's been having a strange urge 2 pore over old fotos and rel8 things from the past 2 stuff that's going on now. Merrie an' Robin playing house made him turn 2 old fotos of him and Liz playing, and he suddenly remembered a time when they were little and he was xxplaining 2 Mom abt how he was pretending 2 B the daddy and Liz was the mommy, who was cleaning and cooking dinner. Liz was happily playing with a toy pot. Then Mom sed that she noticed that Liz didn't have NE "dollies" and asked Y she wasn't working. She told Liz that she cd B a lady police officer or a bus driver or sum other job, and Liz burst in2 tears, all, "I wanna B the mommy and cook dinner 4 Michael!" And then Mom was all muttering abt "So much 4 the gr8 revolution." Liz heard all this, and was like, "That's STILL what I want. OMG, this is Mom's fault. MayB if Mom hadn't encouraged me 2 b-come a teacher, I'd B a wife and Mommy now!" Then she burst in2 tears and took 2 the bed again.

Apes

Reading the Torquing Manual

So, as U mite remember, I stayed over @ Gramps an' Iris's apt last nite. Over brekky this morning, Iris told me abt having dinner on that day we've been talking abt here 4-seeming-evs now, when he had the physio-therapy and the speech therapy. Iris told me that she was xxplaining 2 Gramps, "I put instant mashed potato in2 th soup, dear. Is it easier 2 eat now?" And Gramps was all, "Boxcar. Nothing broken. Torquing nuts." OMG, I think that kinda means he didn't like the mashed potatoes in his soup. Then Iris pressed on w/"Is it good? Wd U like a napkin? Did U have a nice day 2day?" Gramps's response was, "Standard shift. Standard shift." Iris got, like, frustr8ed @ that pt, and was all, "Jim, the questions I'm asking all have a 'yes' or 'no' answer. U can say yes and U can say no!!! --Did U have a nice day 2day?" And insteada saying "yes" or "no," Gramps sed:

@ this pt, Iris plunked down 2 read a book she has, Living With Aphasia. She read this part of the book that sed, "If yr loved one responds w/meaningless or unkind words, do not take it personally. This is all part of living w/aphasia." And she thot, "::sniff:: What a strange condition this is. ...@ least it comes w/a manual."

In other news, I woke up from the most peculiar dream this morning. I dreamed that instead of being a 16-year-old Canadian girl in Milborough, Ontario, that I was a grown-up who lived in upstate New York, with a husband and a 4yo son. And that all this stuff that happs in Mboro was actually part of a fictional comic strip, and that I kept this blog as a hobby. But the most terrifying part of this dream was: 2day was my birthday. And I was turning 40! OMG, that's the kinda dream that really makes U wanna wake up and get back 2 yr real life, eh?"

Apes

OMG, it's only THURSDAY

So Iris had returned just in the nick of time. Cuz, like, Gramps needs help w/the washroom but isn't comfortable going w/ne1 B-sides Iris or the nurses. And Iris tried 2 get Christine 2 stay a bit longer cuz she needed sum1 2 talk 2. But Christine left cuz she was dun w/the speech therapy 4 the day.

Sorry I hadta share that w/U. And it's only THURSDAY. We're prolly on this topic 4 @ least 2 more days. Hold me?

Apes

Long, long week

Mike, I DID confront my probs @ home. Mom an' Dad ignore me, and U do yr usual self-centred impervious non-reaction. I didn't run away, I struck out on my own. The fact that Mom an' Dad have failed 2 notice just demonstr8's that this was the rite thing 2 do.

U know what, I don't wanna talk abt Grandpa's speech therapy NEmore. I don't wanna write abt Christine having him answer questions like "R U a woman?" and "R U a man?" I don't wanna write abt her having him raise his hand in response 2 "U R a man"; "Yr name is Jim"; "U R sitting down." I don't wanna say NEthing abt how he kept his hand up so Christine got the idea that Gramps was picturing 1 of those pictograms on a men's room, so she got up, stuck her chest in his face, and called 4 an assist from Iris, who had just returned, casting shadows in disturbing ways. I don't wanna say NEthing abt all that. So I won't.

NEway, I M so loving my guest suite @ Eva's house. Totally lux, man! It is so awesome having my own lil kitchenette and no1 stealing my brekky. I can so get used 2 this.

Apes

Me

Let's review, Mike. I went out and bought snack-sized Jello cups w/my own $. I put my initials on them so that no1 else wd eat them. U, Mom, and Dee, ATE them all. Am I going 2 go out and buy MORE 4 all of U 2 eat? Y on earth wd I do that? No, don't answer that. I'm sure U wd try 2 give me a lame-ass ANSWER, so I'll just make it easy 4 yr tiny brain. NO. Man, I h8 this place.

So, Gramps. Something abt him practicing the word "me" and it not going so well. Christine (the speech therapist) saying "Let's save ME 4 a while, OK?" And knowing Gramps he thot-bubbled sumthing like "Let's save BOTH of us." U know, not taking "me" as a word, but--oh, whatevs. Gah, this is gonna B a LOOOOOONG week.

Apes

P.S. Since Mike isn't even trying 2 make my staying @ our house an attractive option NEmore, I M back 2 considering my other options. Dunc, when wd U like 2 do sum apt hunting in TO?

Here goes with the speech therapist

Oh, man, shoot me now. Looks like I'm still on Gramps, something abt his speech therapist Christine having Gramps practice his "I" sound while gazing in2 her eyes. Gah, I can only hope 4 a midweek topic change, cuz this mite kill me.

In other news, when Mike finally shuffled in2 the house yesterday afternoon, w/nothing but his little handmade card 4 Mom? U shda seen how pissed Dee was @ him. Boy did she ever hiss! And he acted all baffled like he cdn't possibly have dun NEthing wrong. "Dee, U're not my mother! Mommy is my mother!" Snerk.

Apes

Dee has lousy Mom's Day Plans B-cuz of Mike

Mike, U IDIOT! I KNOW Dee is not yr MOTHER. Do U realize that yr children R 2 yung 2 plan a special day 4 Dee, @ least w/out a grown-up's help? Thanx 2 U, Dee's got NOTHING special going 2day. I just saw her loading the kids in the car, and when I asked what they were doing, Dee told me that Kai invited them 2 her house 2 C her dog's new puppies. And that this was a "special mother's day treat" b-cuz the dog was a mommy who'd had 6 babies all @ once. Mom had followed us out and she sed, "Oh, that's hilarious! I'll bet this will make U gr8ful that U only have 2!" I'm not sure, but I think I saw tears well up in Dee's eyes. Mike, U'd better have a v. v. nice Mom's Day brunch planned 4 DEE when she gets back.

NEway, Happy Mother's Day 2 all U maternal types out there!

Apes

24-7

Well, I ended up staying over @ Gramps an' Iris's place last nite, and I M having a v. nice brekky of my favourite granola and fresh organic milk. It's so nice when these things haven't been scarfed by an older, selfish brother.

Iris told me that when the speech therapist arrived, she [Iris] started thinking abt going out 4 a lil while: "I cd visit a friend, or walk 2 the corner store ....or sit in the park and watch the ppl go by." Just as Iris was thinking all this, the speech therapist sed, "Iris, we're fine on our own here. Y don't U go and get a little fresh air!" Iris was all, "Thanks, Christine. I think I will!" She ended up getting a latte and having it on a park bench while thinking, "There's nothing like a coffee break when U're working 24-7!" This made me so sad. I told Iris that if she wants sum time 2 herself, I'd B happy 2 hang here w/Gramps while she does. Iris got kinda teary and sed she'd luv 2 get her hair and nails done, mayB buy herself sum new books, and C if the Shoe Shack has NE sensible loafers 4 sale. So I sed she shd plan on all that, then. So if NE1 needs me, I'm here w/Gramps 2day.

Apes

One more day B4 Non-sequitur Sunday

Mike, OMG! If I get emancip8ed, I will NOT live w/U, let alone pay U RENT! Gah, I can't believe that's what yr mind leaped 2, making $$$ off of me. That's SICK! And I will NEVER pay U 2 let me babysit. Pony up, or stay home and watch yr own kids, bub!

I hear that when Gramps an' Iris got home from the physio-therapy, Iris was all, "Yr speech pathologist is coming @3. MayB U shd rest awhile." Iris sez she had this v. v. strong feeling that Gramps was thinking, I don't want 2 rest." He sat down @ the table, and Iris sed, "U don't want 2 rest? Wd U like 2 look @ the paper and have sum tea?" And Gramps replied, "Yes." Iris kneeled down 2 feel Grandpa's feet, and she was like, "Yr feet R so cold! I'll get yr slippers and sum warmer sox." When she got back w/the slipper and sox, she was all, "U're not reading the paper. Don't U want 2 know what's going on in the world?" And then she had the feeling that Gramps was thinking, "U ARE my world."

Which I have a feeling there R ppl out there who R all, "Aw! This is so sweet! Sumthing 2 put on my refriger8r door!" And in a way it's sweet, but it's also depressing in a way, 2. Cuz it makes me think that Gramps feels Iris is all he's got in the world. Like he's been abandoned. I think 2day I'll stop by after school again.

Well, one more day, @ the v. least, of sticking w/this subj. Then sumthing diff on Sunday. Then I just hope next week I won't have the irrestible need 2 tell U abt the speech therapist. ALL. WEEK. LONG.

Apes

Friends and Family

Nice try, Mike, pretending that when I sed that no1 forces me 2 visit Gramps, U cd deduce that I am forced 2 visit Iris. I think U were just trying 2 cover cuz U were all pre-occupied w/yrself as usual. Just admit it! And B4 Gramps an' Iris got 2gether, we didn't even know her, Y wd I B visiting w/random odefoax I don't know? So, 4 the record, I visit Gramps AND Iris cuz I want 2.

NEway, next bit. @ the end of Gramps's recent physio session, Gramps was like, "B...bucket ...yes?" Whatev that means. And the physio-therapy chick (l8r revealed 2 B named Judith) was all, "I know. U did a gr8 job 2day, Jim! --We'll C U next wk, OK?" Then she pted a finger @ him and sed, "And, keep up the exercises I gave U 2 do @ home." Gramps: "Yes?" Judith: Yes. Every day. Then Iris sed, "Thanks, Judith. He really enjoys his physio days." Judith was all, "We have our own little family of friends in here, don't we!" And Iris sed, "We sure do!" She sez that as she wheeled Gramps off, she was thinking, "Thank God 4 family and friends!" When she told me this part of the story, I felt kinda bad, cuz it soundz like they get more support from their "family of friends" than from their family of family, U know? Well, @ least on the "Gramps" side--I think Iris's kids been a big help.

Apes

1 Step @ a Time an' Stuff Like That

Is it Sunday yet? Only Wednesday? Gah!

NEway, Physio-Chick got Gramps 2 stand up fr. the xxam table an' she was all, "I'm going 2 check yr balance. Don't let me push U over, OK?" Gramps was all, "No, no." Then P-C was like, "Good work. R U ready 2 walk?" Gramps: "Yes?" P-C: "Yes, w/a cane. --U can do it!" Then, she stayed rite behind him as he walked, toward a full-length mirror, and she had one hand on either side of Gramps's waist, kinda guiding him, while saying "Keep yr rite foot on the rite side of the line. Don't cross over. We're getting there! ...1 step @ a time." Iris sez that @ this pt, her thot was "That's what I keep telling myself. Jim's getting better... 1 step @ a time." She tells me she also thot a buncha stuff abt how it'd B nice 2 get more help and even more social visits from ppl in my fam, U know, other than me (not that she doesn't want my visits, just that she wants the others more involved.)

Honoria, I have a feeling U don't have 2 worry abt Jeremy gossiping abt what happed when U 2 babysat @ Anthony's last nite. He's just v. v. against "kiss an' tell." Oh, but U know what? Word has already spread abt Ger accidentally whaling on Anthony, and ppl are emailing Ger, all "Dude! Did NE1 get that on video? I'd pay 2 C that! Man, I hope sum1 who had a cam set on that will put it up on, like, YouTube! That'd B so sweet!"

Apes

Being in a war was harder, thinks Gramps

So I heard that Gramps's physio therapy chick was all, "We're ready 2 do yr physio, Jim! Around 2 the left! --U know the way!" And Gramps sed, "Yes." W/Iris perched on a side table watching, therapy girl was lifting Gramps's rite leg, all "Lot's of tension in yr legs. Let's C if we can limber them up a bit." Then she lowered the leg, kneeled next 2 the xxam table, and sed, "Now, can U use the technique we've been practicing? That's rite. Roll 2 a sitting position and.... get out of bed." Gramps did the rolling while being all, "Mmhh." I heard most of this from Iris, but I also get a lil txt mssg from Gramps: "1x ran miles, crrying rifle & gunny sack on back. physio = harder!" Poor Gramps.

Mike, no1 forces me 2 visit Gramps. I visit cuz he's my bud! Oh, and as U predicted Dad approached me, all, "April, buddy! What wd U say if I told U I'd outfit a sweet suite in the basement of the Stibbs house when we moved there?" And I was all, "What wd U say if I told U I want Mike 2 B my Daddy?" And Dad got his gobsmacked look an' sed, "Therapy!" And I sed, "Well, I didn't say it, did I? I only asked U what U wd say!" And he sed, "I think my choo-choo magazines arrive today!" And he ran away.

Apes

Gramps BOXCARred again!

Iris called and told me what happened recently when the guy who takes them 2 Gramps's phys-therapy came by. The guy was all, "Sit down, Jim, and we'll get under way. Yr chariot aw8's!" As Gramps approached the wheelchair the guy had 4 him, Gramps was all, "Yes." When the guy was helping him in2 the van, all "I'll just get U locked in and we'll B all set 2 go," Gramps repeated "Go!" Iris got all xxcited cuz of the "go": "Listen! He sed GO!! Jim, U haven't sed that word B4! Not in its proper context! --U're beginning 2 connect the rite words 2 the rite meanings! Isn't that xxciting?!!" And Gramps was like, "BOXCAR!" U mite remember he let out a "BOXCAR in addition 2 the swears he spat out @ Mike when Mike visited 2 say his book was being published.

Gramps, U potty mouth!

Apes

Dad's an oldster

Well, U know how Mom an' Dad have been acting like they're 80 yrs old, w/1 ft in the grave an' the other on a banana peel? I mean, really, there R times when Gramps just seems way younger than them. NEway, I was thinking abt all that this morning when I was looking out the windows an' C-ing Dad playing catch w/the dogs. Mom came along, and I was all, "Yeah, what they say is totally true! Pets R a gr8 thing 4 the elderly!" I sed that last bit while walking away, but I totally sensed that Mom had a gobsmacked look on her face @ that mo. MayB she'll talk 2 Dad an' they'll re-think their big hurry 2 B old, old, old empty-nest types, eh?

Jeremy, U did a gr8 job DJ-ing @ Luis's Cinqo de Mayo party last nite! BTW, I didn't want U 2 get stiffed so I took up a collection fr. all the guests last nite while U were loading up yr equipment. I'll B dropping off the envelope l8r this AM. Honoria, don't worry abt the dirty dancing. It threw off our sets cuz Ger wd stop drumming and start flailing and yelling. But it was kinda amusing 2 C the vein throbbing in his neck!

Apes

M.E.N.

After Liz blocked traffic while mentally ber8ing herself, she came home and stormed in2 the house. I was drying dishes in the kitchen, and when I heard her coming in, I was like, "Hi, Sis!" And while my hair curse was still forcing me 2 wear the bad propeller bun, I'd been able 2 get my bangs look sort of wispy and strandy, insteada being in 1 big mass. So I was kinda happy abt that. But NEway, Liz didn't answer my greeting--instead she thot-bubbled a snort and thumped up the stairs w/six big "THUMPS," while looking like she was trying 2 push out a big poop. Then once she arrived upstairs, she let out a humongous AAAAUGH! sound.

Dad, Edgar, and I all went 2 the foot of the stairs when we heard that sound, and Dad was all, "P.M.S.?" Yuck, Y do guys like Dad always assume that? And I answered, "Nope. M.E.N." Dad was confused, cuz his mind was locked in2 the idea of an acronym. So he was like: "Menopausal, Endometrial Neurospasmosis? Mediterranean Escalated Neo-trauma? Myopic, Entropic Nebulizers?" And I rolled my eyes and sed, "Men." And he sed, "What? I cdn't figure it out b-cuz I'm male?" And I sed, "No, that's her problem. Men. I spelled out 'men'--M.E.N. Silly." And Dad sed, "Oh." And he ambled away, Dad-style.

Well, happy Cinco de Mayo, 2 U Cinco de Mayo celebr8ing peeps. And happy Free Comic Book Day, 2 those of U near particip8ing stores! A bunch of us R going 2 TO 2 get us sum books!

Luis's C-d-M party starts @ 7 2nite, yo!

Apes

Liz berates herself while driving

Liz told me that on her way driving home from coffee w/Anthony (when he declined her offer 2 "escort" her 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding and revealed he'd been invited and asked a co-worker 2 go w/him), Liz found herself thinking, "DUMB, DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!" All in large, bold caps. Then she thot, "OF COURSE Anthony received an invitation 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding! OF COURSE he's going 2 invite sum1 else! he's not going 2 hang around 4ever w8ing 4 ME!!" Then the car behind her started honking at her, and the Howard-looking guy in the car 2 her rite was all, "Hey, lady! U got a green lite! What's wrong w/U?!!" Which surely wasn't xxpected 2 garner NE response, but Liz sez she clenched her eyez shut, unhinged her jaw, and yelled, "I'm a total IDIOT!"

Weird how Liz cd go thru an entire d8 w/Ger last nite and not realize he was Ger, even w/the fakey mustache. Liz: That was my bf, Gerald. He calls his dad "Pater" and his mother "Mater." He wasn't saying "Peter" and "Maytel."

Gah, I can't believe I was forced in2 that awful cinnamon bun/min-golf d8 w/Anthony last nite. Thanx 4 rescuing me, Howard and Becky. Kinda turned the tables on Anth there, eh? And OMG, can that guy talk abt himself, himself, himself. My head still hurts!

Apes

Liz wanting 2 crawl in2 a hole and die

So Liz just told me the next bit of what happened after Anthony told her he'd already asked sum1 else 2 B his d8 4 Shawna-Marie's wedding. She and Anthony went 2 Gordo's restaurant 2 have sum coffee (natch) and Anthony was all, "After the trial, we both got pretty busy. I knew that U'd broken up w/Paul and were C-ing Warren." Hm, that's odd. The 1st real confirmation I even hear that Anthony knows abt Paul @ all, and it's in the form of his knowing abt the breakup. NEhoodles, Liz interrupted w/"Warren and I Rn't..." And we just hired a v. nice girl, Elizabeth. She's taking my place in accounting. We get along well... and... I have invited her 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding." Liz tells me that Anthony looked so diff @ that moment, she wondered if he really was Anthony or an imposter. But she decided an imposter wd B 2 xxpensive, even 4 Gordo, and she listened as this diff-looking Anthony sed, "Otherwise... Sure." Weird thing 2 say after U've just xxplained U have a d8 w/sum1 else. Liz was like, "Hey, no problem! It was just a thot! U know, b-cuz we all went 2 school 2gether!" Anthony was, like, "I guess I'll C U there, then." A waitress showed up 2 ask, "Wd U like another coffee?" And Liz was like, "No, thanks." As she got up 2 leave, she tells me she was thinking, "I'd like 2 crawl in2 a hole where I can die."

Liz and I were having tea @ the kitchen table when she told me all this. Mike musta been listening in, cuz when Liz finished telling me what she'd been thinking, he kinda ran in2 the room and grabbed Liz by the shoulders. "Sister! I told U! This this is Y U shd have been more proactive! U know Anthony's track record. Of course he heard abt U taking up w/that gadfly Warren after yr breakup w/the Constable from up north, whatever that place is. Of course he asked out sum1 else. But how cd U tell him U were only asking him 2 the wedding b-cuz U "all went 2 school 2gether?" This was an xxcellent chance 2 let the man know how U really feel abt him, and nip that other potential relationship in the bud! After all, it sounds as if this "d8" of his is a 1st 4 them. Don't let them get 2 a second d8! Liz was like, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I never shd have asked Anthony out! This is Y I don't do things like this!" And she ran out of the room, stormed up the stairs, and slammed the door of her room. Then opened it again, cuz she always leaves that door open, even if she wants privacy.

Apes

Not-"Escort" Gets an Invite of His Own

Liz is v. upset abt what happed when she went 2 Gordo's Garage an' Grill 2 ask Anthony 2 go 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding as her d8.

As she went in2 his office, she sed, "Knock-knock! May I come in?" And Anthony was like, "Well, hello!!" I didn't xxpect 2 C U!!" And Liz was all, "Anthony, this is a luvly office!" Anthony agreed, all "Sure is! When Gordon made me a manager, he did it up rite!" Then he was like, "And 2 what do I owe the honour of this most welcome visit?" Wow, that seems a lil overly formal, don't U think, my awesum yet gentle readers? NEway, Liz responded 2 that w/"Well...Shawna-Marie's wedding is coming up..." And Anthony was totally, "I know. I got an invitation." Liz sed, "Gr8! I'm in the wedding party, and I came 2 C if U'd B my 'escort.'" [Yeah, in "quotes."] And Anthony answered her w/"I'd luv 2, Elizabeth! It's just that...I've invited sum1 else!"

Liz is being all, "How cd he do that 2 me?! ? 1st he asks me 2 w8 4 him [1.5 yrs ago], and then he won't even w8 4 me?"

Well, I'm kinda worried abt whoev it is Anthony invited 2 B his d8 2 that wedding. I hope he doesn't end up neglecting her the whole time, making her feel like chopped liver while he moons over Liz. That wd B lousy. And yet there's sumthing v. familiar abt that.

Dennis, I think U mite B getting another call from Liz, 2 B her "escort" and dance partner.

Apes

Here we go

So did U know that Shawna-Marie is getting married this yr? Me neither! But as they continued their convo @ the restaurant recently, Candace asked Liz, "So, have U got yr dress 4 Shawna-Marie's wedding?" And Liz was all, "Yes. I picked it up this morning. The matron of honour and all the bridesmaids R wearing different pastel colours. The bride will B in 'cream.'" Candace was like, "I'm glad I'm not in the wedding party. Who R U inviting?" And Liz sed, "Well... I thot I'd invited Anthony. I mean, he and I and Shawna-Marie all went 2 school 2gether." Hm, does that mean Anthony wasn't invited? MayB Shawna-Marie doesn't want him there. NEway, Candace was all,"What abt Paul?" And Liz cast her gaze downwards, all "That didn't work out, Candace." Candace: "And... Warren?" Liz: He's just a friend. So Candace asked, "And Anthony?" Liz sed, "...I thot it was time 2 find out."

Liz tells me she cda sworn she heard ppl out on the street yelling stuff like "Nooooo!" And "[Boxcar]! Code red 4 the Lovepocalypse!" And, "No it's only an OMG-code orange. He hasn't even appeared yet!" She also sez she had the uneasy feeling that she and Candace had been watched from outside the window during that whole part of their convo "when during the earlier part, it'd felt as though we'd only been observed from inside." Then she kinda shrugged and changed the subj. 2 howta accessorize her b'maid dress.

Well, Ger an' I sure had a lotta xxcitement last nite, eh? Honoria, U R rite, it was a v. bad idea 4 me 2 go along w/Ger and his plan 2 go off 2 TO in his mom's 'vasse when he hasn't even gotten his G1 yet. I don't know what came over me, xxcept I guess the idea of starting over in TO seemed kinda cube. I'm glad we both didn't hafta stay in jail overnite. In spite of Mike getting Officer Luggsworth all pissed off, and Ger having those recklessness charges against him.

Apes