April's Real Blog

Thursday, May 17, 2007

OMG, it's only THURSDAY

So Iris had returned just in the nick of time. Cuz, like, Gramps needs help w/the washroom but isn't comfortable going w/ne1 B-sides Iris or the nurses. And Iris tried 2 get Christine 2 stay a bit longer cuz she needed sum1 2 talk 2. But Christine left cuz she was dun w/the speech therapy 4 the day.

Sorry I hadta share that w/U. And it's only THURSDAY. We're prolly on this topic 4 @ least 2 more days. Hold me?


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  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I am so glad you are spending lots of time with Iris and Grandpa Jim, so you can discuss with your readers about Grandpa Jim’s washroom habits and Iris’ desperate need for adult conversation. Iris may have all that fancy entertainment equipment, but what use is it, if you are forced into long conversations with her about Grandpa Jim’s bowel movements and who he allows to clean up after him? Who wants to eat Iris’ fancy imported foods, when that is the dinner table discussion topic?

    As a young person, you may have a higher tolerance for that kind of stuff than I have. I was enjoying the upper floor guest room Iris had as an office away from home, but the frequent visits by Iris for conversation started leeching into my novel writing. I discovered that the entire crew of the windjammer was no longer made up of virile young men, but old women talking about how lonely they are. For the sake of the integrity of my writing, I had to leave. Plus the security guards forcing me out, helped.

    I’m sure you’ll be home soon once you have become Iris-saturated, and we promise that if you come back, this will provide us with motivation to get Elizabeth to stop sleeping over in your bed to cry and move on to her own apartment. I know it’s hard to believe she has been crying over Anthony having a date for Shawna-Marie’s wedding all this time, but she has. Also, dad has made virtually no progress in putting down an offer for George Stibbs’ house, since you started talking about Iris and Grandpa Jim. So, when you come back and stop talking about them, maybe things will start happening again.

    I feel no pity for Iris, but I do feel pity for your poor readers. Surely you can write about something more interesting, like paint peeling or dust settling or grass growing.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:08 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't talk 2 me abt writing abt sumthing more interesting. windjammer boy.


  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know it must be difficult to take constructive criticism from a soon-to-be published author. But think of your poor readers. They need someone to write for them, and it would be much kinder if the subject didn't have anything to do with Grandpa Jim excreting waste material. Don't treat your poor readers like they are chattel not worthy of your attention. They care about you and your teenaged situation. If you write well enough, they might give you a book contract and you could be published like I am going to be. Trust me when I say, if someone collected this story about Grandpa Jim and his excrement into a book of any kind and it were published, it would be a sure sign the world was coming to an end.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I hate hockey. Last night I was snuggling with my Jeremy flower and we were watching the Ottawa Senators and the Buffalo Sabres play ( I hate that I know those names now). I was trying to be frisky with my Jeremy flower and as usual, he was only willing to be frisky during commercial breaks, which is not enough time for my friskiness. Finally, Jeremy said to me, “Honoria. Ottawa has already won 3 games against Buffalo, and if they win this one, they win the series and sweep Buffalo. If Ottawa wins, I will be in such a good mood, I’ll do whatever you want, no matter how kinky.”

    Let me tell you, April, I was never so interested in a hockey team winning as I was last night. Then Ottawa lost 3-2 and my Jeremy flower was too depressed for even kissing. I said, “Don’t be in a rush to go, Jeremy. You can stay for a while longer and see if you get undepressed.” But Jeremy said, “It’s OK, Honoria. We’ve done all the hockey-watching for today.” Then I said to Jeremy, “But…I need someone to diddle me!” Jeremy said, “No you don’t. You’re only 14. You have plenty of time to be diddled, and it would be a much better diddling, if a Canadian team won.”

    I hate hockey.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…




  • At 2:39 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm just checking in to say that I still wish I were dead.


  • At 5:27 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    Gerald flower,

    Dearest brother. Did I say diddling? Pardon my misspelling. I meant to say doodling. My Jeremy flower is drawing some excellent pictures of me with all my clothes on.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D. said…

    Michael, come now. Mrs. Johnston has decided that the current topic is your Grandpa's experiences with physio-therapy and speech therapy, and your step-Grandmother Iris's coping with her caretaker role. When your sister April sits down to her blog and tries to write about something else, the Force from Corbeil prevents her from doing so. If you truly love your sister, you will cease to goad her to write on different topics. This can only frustrate her.


    Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.

  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Dr. Artemis,

    I didn’t realize you were back in town. Have I ever told you how much you remind me of my cousin Laura, with your strong, hunter-like, lantern jaw? I would very much love to have a dinner conversation with you about April, her marital prospects, and you can talk about my grandfather’s excrescence to your heart’s content.

    I remember when you were at our house months ago, conducting your interviews and I told you to not be in a rush to go. You could stay for a while. Then you said, “It’s OK, Mike. We’ve done all April’s marital prospect interviews for today.” Then I thought about how much I needed someone to…um…talk to, but I only said it in a thought balloon because I was afraid someone might hear me.

    I’m available for dinner tonight, if you are interested.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D. said…

    Michael, I did have some business at the Milborough branch of the Johnston Institute. However, I am about to begin my trip back to Corbeil.

    Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.

  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Dr. Artemis,

    You don’t have to be in a rush to go. You could stay for a while for dinner. After all, everyone has to eat sometime.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I ran into Christine, the speech therapist again today. She was up in Toronto manning a public booth for the Ontario Association of Speech-Language Pathologists and Audiologists (OSLA) booth for “May is Better Hearing and Speech Month.” I decided to have lunch out from my job as senior editor at Portrait Magazine and I took my assistant Francine out with me. When Christine saw me with Francine, she took a good look at Francine to make sure she wasn’t Becky in disguise.

    I greeted Christine and asked her how things were going. She said, “Does your fiancée know you are out with another woman?” I said, “This is Francine, my assistant at Portrait Magazine, and yes, I think Becky knows about Francine.” So, Christine apologized for shoving my face in her breasts at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies and claimed it had been a long time since she had been diddled, and I apologized for any bruises Becky may have given her with the frying pan.

    Christine said, “Howard. Do you think a speech therapist is required to take their clients to the washroom and help them out?” I said, “I suppose it depends on the circumstances.” Then Christine said, “Do you think a speech therapist is required to have a conversation with their client’s wife because she needs someone to talk to?” I said, “Required? No. Why do you ask?” Christine said, “I got reported on by one of my client’s wives. She wanted to talk. I didn’t want to stay and talk.” I said, “That’s against the rules?”

    Christine said, “Failure to take precautions to avoid injury to the client.” The claim is that by not talking, I have injured the client’s feelings because his wife’s emotional needs were not met.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding. Why would she need a speech therapist to talk to? Couldn’t she just call someone?” Christine said, “Too shy. Too passive. Likes to use thought balloons instead of the spoken word.” I said, “Too bad. I know a lot of people like that.”

    Christine said, “Too bad is right. The lady I had for a client this morning talked to me for 3 hours straight before she took a breath. I have to change all my scheduling to allow enough time for conversation.” Francine said, “I know just what you mean. My boss before Howard, made me act out his book he was writing with him. I did the boy parts and he did the girl parts, because he said I was manlier than he was. I had to reschedule a lot of my evenings for him. I didn’t realize how many until Howard took over.”

    Christine said, “May I join you two for lunch? I feel like I have been pushing ‘May is Better Hearing and Speech Month’ for the last 2 weeks, even though only a couple of hours have passed.” We had a nice lunch together.

    Considering your Blog entry today, I thought you might be interested in hearing that story.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D. said…

    Michael, I really must go. I have just enough time to return to Corbeil for a meeting. We are deciding how to celebrate Kate Johnston having joined our team.

    Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.

  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Dr. Artemis,

    But… I really need to have dinner with a strong, hunter-like, woman.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 4 sum strange reasn, ur bf, gerald, innerupted my tutorin’ 2day 2 ask 2 look @my sketch book of doodles. i don’t have a sketchbook of doodles, but i did draw a quick pic of a pile of poo & told gerald it wuz a drawin’ of him. he sed i wuz a terrible doodler. i agreed w/him. tell me again wut uc in this guy?

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i've had an unusual afternoon and evening. rite after school, dr. artemis was, like, out front, honking her car horn. she sed we hadta go out 2 the mboro branch of the johnston institute.

    when we got there, this woman that i recognized as nancy vincent was there. i was, like, "oh, r u in town on bizness, like dr. artemis?" and she sed, "no. mrs. johnston transferred me here. she sed the milboro branch needed my 'expertise.' shortly after that, she hired her daughter kate 4 my old job. but no matter. i'm here now. btw, i was considering buying the stibbs place."

    i was like, "really? cuz my parents. . . ."

    then dr. artemis interrupted, all, "u have 2 pardon nancy's sense of humour. she knows very well that the stibbs place is destined 2 b yr parents' new home and yr father's choo-choo shrine."

    nancy kinda laffed 2 herself and then sed, "april, as u mite know, yr bf gerald is in a support group 4 frustr8ed childhood sweethearts of pattersons. he has also been ordered 2 befriend anthony caine, who also attends these meetings."

    i told her that i'd heard all that.

    "i wanted to review a few things with u," she went on. "as u know, dennis north, axel hibobbery, and adam gentlesse recently spent sum time up @ corbeil. their training and orientation actually lasted a few weeks, as opposed to the couple of days they were expecting, but that's not important rite now. we want u 2 know that these three men r. . . what is the phrase?"

    dr. artemis was like, "eminently suitable and qualified as a potential husband for a patterson woman--namely april marian patterson."

    "yes. u c, gerald shdn't have spread that gossip he spread. mrs. johnston has not yet decided whether his transgressions r 4giveable, so meanwhile, he has 2 attend the support meetings and try 2 make amends. if mrs. johnston decides that gerald cannot b 4given, then u will go on a series of d8's with yr other registered childhood sweethearts. diana?"

    dr. artemis filled in, "duncan anderson, jeremy jones, and the aforementioned north, hibobbery, and gentlesse."

    nancy was all, "yes. another concern is that even if gerald does get 4given, he mite lapse in2 his cocky 'g-dawg' ways, spreading gossip and trying 2 push u in2 activities u r not ready 4. if this were 2 happen, u wd still have the recourse--the requirement, even--2 dump him and begin xxploring the other eligible yung men."

    after that, i had 2 watch a special dvd abt being a patterson woman. weirdly, in the video, jamie lynn spears played me and britney played liz.

    afterwards, dr. artemis took me home so i cd get sum more of my stuff 2 take back w/me 2 gramps an' iris's place. once i got up 2 the apt, iris was v. v. happy 2 c me. she spent abt an hr and a half telling me how lonely she's been l8ly and starved 4 convo.

    then she ordered sum delish foods 4 dinner and we're watching finding nemo on netflix.


  • At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I certainly hope Mrs. Johnston agrees to forgive my brother Gerald for his gossiping about you. I suppose it doesn’t matter if you don’t take a stand yourself against those awful things people are saying about you, if you have someone as powerful as Mrs. Johnston looking after you.

    I hope you don’t take my Jeremy flower away from me. I noticed he was in your list of men. That would be totally unfair. I am definitely going to get Jeremy to diddle (I mean doodle) me before Mrs. Johnston makes her decision. Mater says she is powerful, but she is also very slow and sometimes takes years to make decisions. I should have enough time.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, actually, i did stand up 4 myself @ school 2day. u missed this cuz it was in a special assembly 4 students in grades 9 to 12. i got up on stage and announced that ger had told lies abt me, that this was totally not cube, and that the truth was that we'd just kissed while horizontal, nuthing more. of course, the whole reason 4 the assembly was 4 us 2 learn abt may being "better hearing and speech month." the principal got one of the guidance counselors 2 usher me off the stage, and then he introduced our special guest speaker, the speech therapist christine.

    well, christine went on and on abt her techniques and how speech therapy's, like, a gr8 career. but that's not important rite now. what's important is i DID stand up 4 myself!

    i will try not 2 "steal" jeremy, but if certain powers want him "stolen" 4 me, i won't b able 2 stop them.


  • At 9:43 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i heard ur speech @the skool assembly. i gotta tell u i wuz mpressed u wud get up in fronta every1 & say those things. i also gotta tell u, there’s a whole lotta peeps who think u got confused ‘bout wut “better hearing & speech month” iz, & thot it meant u were suppozed 2 make a speech. & i also gotta tell u, 1 of thoze peeps wuz the principal & thass y he kept sayin’, “miss patterson. not that kinda speech.” @u while u were talkin’.

    evn tho u sed thoze things n fronta every1, i kinda have a feelin’ if u evah get ‘round 2 discussin’ the mattah w/gerald face-2-face & not runnin’ away & talkin’ ovah ur shoulder @him like u sumtymez like 2 do, then u mite run n2 sum peeps who r friends of hiz frum the sports teamz who kinda didn’t believe nethin’ u were sayin’. i believe u cuz i know u frum way back & i know wut kinda girl ur like. thass just me tho.

    there’s a whole lotta peeps who figger since ur 16 & since u dress & wear makeup the way u do these days & since u & gerald have been 2gethah 4 ovah 4 years & since it’s been ovah 6 weeks since gerald startin’ spreadin’ thoze rumours b4 u sed nethin’ against them; the odds r against u tellin’ the truth ‘bout it. 1 of the big reasons is cuz there aren’t ne couplez in r.p. boire who have been 2gethah 4 ovah a year who haven’t gotten bizzy, eh? @least i can’t think of ne xxcept 4 u & gerald. mebbe the girl who plans 2b a nun aftah she gradu8s & her bf, but i think she’z gone roadside 2.

    neway. thanx 4 tellin’ honoria u aren’t gonna steal me unless u hafta. she unnerstands it kinda, but not rilly cuz she hazn’t lived in mboro 4 a long tyme. u know how sumtymez u touch me on the ears wen u say hello in the hall? u mite not wanna do that where honoria can hear ‘bout it. she wud prolly think ur gettin’ ready 2 steal me az husband material.

    honoria iz rilly aftah me 2 do this diddling thing. i 4get. iz “diddling” 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base or home run? honoria’s only 14, but i cud c my way 2 mebbe 2nd base if it wud make her happy, az long az it’s not home run. that wud b2 creepy w/sum1 who's only 14.


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