April's Real Blog

Friday, May 11, 2007

One more day B4 Non-sequitur Sunday

Mike, OMG! If I get emancip8ed, I will NOT live w/U, let alone pay U RENT! Gah, I can't believe that's what yr mind leaped 2, making $$$ off of me. That's SICK! And I will NEVER pay U 2 let me babysit. Pony up, or stay home and watch yr own kids, bub!

I hear that when Gramps an' Iris got home from the physio-therapy, Iris was all, "Yr speech pathologist is coming @3. MayB U shd rest awhile." Iris sez she had this v. v. strong feeling that Gramps was thinking, I don't want 2 rest." He sat down @ the table, and Iris sed, "U don't want 2 rest? Wd U like 2 look @ the paper and have sum tea?" And Gramps replied, "Yes." Iris kneeled down 2 feel Grandpa's feet, and she was like, "Yr feet R so cold! I'll get yr slippers and sum warmer sox." When she got back w/the slipper and sox, she was all, "U're not reading the paper. Don't U want 2 know what's going on in the world?" And then she had the feeling that Gramps was thinking, "U ARE my world."

Which I have a feeling there R ppl out there who R all, "Aw! This is so sweet! Sumthing 2 put on my refriger8r door!" And in a way it's sweet, but it's also depressing in a way, 2. Cuz it makes me think that Gramps feels Iris is all he's got in the world. Like he's been abandoned. I think 2day I'll stop by after school again.

Well, one more day, @ the v. least, of sticking w/this subj. Then sumthing diff on Sunday. Then I just hope next week I won't have the irrestible need 2 tell U abt the speech therapist. ALL. WEEK. LONG.


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  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I don't know if you are thinking through emancipation clearly. My lovely Deanna wants me to point out to you that if you do go for emancipation, you will be paying rent to someone, and paying someone for your food, and paying for your own university expenses. Why shouldn't that someone be me and Deanna? You would be in familiar surroundings. Not only that, but Deanna guarantees that the room and board at our house will be lower than any other place you will go, especially mom and dad's place; because they charge a hefty rent, as Deanna and I can both attest. We will of course, pay you to baby-sit, as we currently do, but that money would have to offset the cost of your room and board someplace. Why not pick our house to live? You would still live in the same house, and it would be the cheapest place to live. Deanna thinks it would be an excellent choice for an emancipated formerly little sis.

    As for your story about Grandpa Jim not reading the paper, I can completely understand it. The only thing worth reading is my weekly column in the Clarion Weekly. My old magazine, Portrait Magazine, isn't worth the paper it's printed on any more. It's gone completely downhill without me there, as I knew it would. Even I would rather watch Iris put socks on Grandpa Jim than read it. This month's issue had "portraits" of members of the Ottawa Senators. There is nothing more boring than politics.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u seem 2 miss the whole pt of emancipation mike. it wd give me options other than moving 2 the stibbs house or being "adopted" by my brother. y bother if i'm gonna live w/u neway AND pay rent? geez, use yr head 4 more than holding yr hairdo.


  • At 11:33 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…


    as u know, i m working w/ my lawyer 2 get emancipated. r u sure u r ready 4 that? u do have 2 b able 2 support urself. i have my own $$$, but ur bookstore earnings can't support a household. an' u have 2 have ur own place an' b living on ur own b4 u can get emancipated.

    plus, remember, the judge will b a milboro judge an' if ur rents don't want u emancipated, it won't happen.

    if u don't want 2 live w/ ur rents or mike an' dee, mayb u should b looking 4 a diff place 2 go. u can always come live w/ me an' howie.


  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April dear,

    I’ve been so busy with your grandfather this week! Being a primary caregiver is a lot of work, but its good work – good for the soul, and good for our marriage.

    Jim is my world, too. He is my love and my life, and my best friend. There are times when we feel alone, as if there is only the two of us in this big world trying to navigate the deep waters of recovery. But as you can see, we seem to be doing ok.

    Your grandfather and I had a long talk about your situation last night. We’d like you to know that you are welcome to come live with us. The spare bedroom is “yours” anyway, and if you’d like to make it a permanent living situation you are welcome to do so – and rent-free. You would have some responsibilities: you’d need to continue to keep good grades (like you always do), do your chores such as keeping your room clean and doing your own laundry, and you’d have to stick to your curfew.

    We can talk about it more this weekend if you like. Send me an email when you get a chance, I’m going to put in a grocery order today and I’d like to know which snacks you’d prefer.

    Iris Richards

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…


    well u know i rilly want u 2 come live w/ me an' howie. we could use a live-in dogwalker (4 freyfaxi) an' a live-in babysitter (eventually). but it mite b best if u go live w/ ur g-rents. ur mom would b more likely 2 let u do that. can a non-oldie live in the seniors living palace? of course, if u don't get ur own place an' pay rent, u can't get emancipated, but it mite not matter if u r living w/ sum1 cube.


  • At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I don’t think I missed the whole point of emancipation at all. I mentioned that when your boyfriend Gerald came by to pick you up for dates, I was going to get revenge for his stabbing me with his knitting needle yesterday. It follows that you don’t want Gerald to be revenged upon and so you consider the idea of Deanna and me adopting you to be unacceptable. I was just kidding you know. At least that’s what Deanna says.

    I see that Iris is craftily offering a place for you at her place. She is a wily old bird, and I am not surprised she is trying to trick you into becoming a live-in nurse and companion for Grandpa Jim, so she doesn’t have to do it. Deanna had a number of words for Iris, which I do not care to repeat; but she is willing to change our offer to compete. She says the cost of room and board would be the same as your fee for baby-sitting (so you would staying with us only for services rendered), and she promises to let you and Gerald be alone and undisturbed when he comes over after you have put the children to sleep. Deanna said something about how that way it increases the likelihood something might happen between you and Gerald which might encourage marriage plans.

    There you go, formerly little sis. A new offer on the table for you, and I think it is very competitive with the one offered you by Iris, because you know, she will never leave you and Gerald alone when he comes to visit after you have put Grandpa Jim to bed.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:58 PM, Anonymous lawrence poirier said…

    Dear April,

    If you're looking for a new place to live, maybe you would consider the groundskeeper's shed at Lakeshore Landscaping. We are in desperate need of a new live-in security guard. The last three we have had all started dating our new forklift driver, Mark-Rick O'Steve, and when those relationships ended badly (Mark-Rick is kind of high maintenance), they all quit. We vowed never to hire another gay male security guard again. It's just too important a position to be vacant.

    Anyway, the groundskeeper's shed is very well-appointed. You would get a meal allowance, and a salary. However, there is a strict curfew, because we are obviously paying you to be on-site to guard the place. You would need to be there from 8pm-6am every day.

    Let me know if you're interested. We're confident that any relative of Elly Patterson will be able to scare away even the most determined of sod thieves.

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous gordon mayes said…


    Don't settle for anything less than the best in live-in employment! Come to Mayes Midtown Motors, Munchie Mart, and Future Music Mini-Mall for all your accomodation and employment needs! Mayes can get you into a quality security guard's station, complete with living quarters today! We will top any salary offer made to you by other, lower quality businesses! Come be our live-in security guard today! We will not be undersold!

    Yours Truly, Gordon Mayes
    President, Entrepreneur, and Future Land Baron
    Mayes International Corp.

  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous moira kinney said…

    April Dear,

    If you are looking for a job and a place to live, remember, Liliputs would always be happy to have you as the nighttime bookkeeper/night watch woman. There have been a rash of thefts in the business district lately, and I would feel safer if someone were on the premises at all times. You could live in the basement, which is not very nice at the moment, but I'm sure your mother would fix it up with second-hand furnishings. I couldn't pay you very much, but your duties would be very light.

    Let me know, Moira Kinney

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, thanx 2 all who r offering 2 let me live w/them. i just got an email from "anonymous@johnstoninstitute.org" saying "April Patterson, try to remember that ultimately it will be the Witch of Corbeil who decides where you live and whether you may seek emancipation. Try to practice a bit of patience."

    which i h8 cuz i don't feel patient.


  • At 1:28 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It would be quite delightful to have you live with Becky and me and I am not afraid of the Witch of Corbeil (not as much as I used to be). It would eliminate any difficulty we have in trying to pick a place to live close to you, since you would be living with us. To be honest, my preference would be to live in a place not anywhere near your mother, brother, or sister; and I can think that might be a preference for you too.

    Becky would love for you to walk our giant dog, Freyfaxi, but to be fair, I don’t think you have the physical body mass to do it. There have been a few times when Becky walked Freyfaxi alone and she had to call me because Freyfaxi started chasing after some smaller animal, like a cow or a moose, and they ended up kilometres away from the walking path.

    As for being a live-in babysitter, I don’t see that happening. Once I have babies, I don’t think I could ever leave their side for anything.

    As for your step-grandmother’s offer to live at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, I know from the time I worked there, non-retirees are not allowed as residents. If you were to stay there, you would have to constantly pretend to be visiting, and that could cause problems. Wanda O'Doon, one of the residents there, once got visited every day by her grandson and it nearly caused a riot in the Living Palace with the jealous seniors. You would have to sneak in after they went to sleep, sometime about 6 pm, I would think, for it to work.

    I have worked for Gordon Mayes and Lawrence Poirier before and they are fair employers, but they do listen very carefully to the Witch of Corbeil, so they might not have your best interests at heart.

    There is also one thing I must warn you about. Since Becky and I are planning to have children after we get married, there are certain fertility techniques I plan to apply, and the noises Becky may make due to those techniques could be quite loud. I cannot necessarily promise quiet nighttimes. However, if you are willing to put up with those kinds of things, Becky and I would be happy to have you live with us.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno wut the big deal iz ‘bout where ur gonna live. the stibbs’ house iz nicer than my place & ur old house iz nicer than my place. the rec room where u’ve been sleepin’ iz nicer than my room & ur sis’ old room upstairs iz 2, if u can evah get her to get outa it & go 2 her apartment where her stuff is. u know it duzn’t mattah where u live or if u declare ur emancip8ed or wutevah, ur gonna end up baby-sitting 4 ur bro. the only way ur gonna get rid of ur fam, iz 2 go sumplace they never go, like @ur auntie or uncle’s place. i dunno if u wanna go live w/ur auntie, cuz she thinks ur sum kinda hired hand wen u visit her. i wud go 4 ur uncle. he’s like a musician, so he prolly wudn’t think of u az hired help.

  • At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    I felt really sad to read how your grandparents feel like they’re all alone. I remember when I was at Cashwell Day School for so long, my family effectively forgot about me. If I hadn’t got kicked out, I don’t think they would even know I was alive. Now I am back at home, and older brother punches me in the stomach, and younger brother pokes me with his knitting needle, and Mater tells me I am fat, and Pater is too busy with work to talk to me; I wish I was back at Cashwell.

    If your family really only wants you around to do work for them, then maybe you can get them to send you to Cashwell instead. Your dad is rich. He could send you. I can tell you all the girls to pal around with, and the best boys to date; but of course the best one is Bronson van Daam. If you can nail him, you will be set for life. I was so close to getting him, when I was interrupted and sent home in disgrace. But if you went, you could use some of that Patterson allure that keeps Gerald interested in you year after year, in spite of everything conspiring against you. Bronson might not be able to resist that and I would have the satisfaction of having one of my friends nail Bronson. Then you and me and Bronson and my Jeremy-flower can double-date. It would be great.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Iris Richards said…

    April dear,

    Just so there is no confusion: your grandfather and I are offering you the spare room rent-free, and with no caregiver duties whatsoever. As I said, you will need to keep your room clean and grades up, and you will need to meet curfew; but you are also allowed to have friends over as long as Jim is feeling up to it.

    I will concede that I cannot and will not allow you to be alone with Gerald. It’s not that that I don’t trust *you*, dear – I don’t trust Gerald because I don’t know him very well. In my experience, young people left alone together invites temptation. Soon you will go off to university, and when you do you can make decisions about alone time with young men. But until then, you may have Gerald over only when I am home. You may spend time with him in your room, but the door must stay open at all times.

    I have already looked into the possibility of having you live with us. I remember well the “O’Doon Incident” that Howard speaks of, but I recall it had less to do with her grandson visiting often and rather that little Timmy was quite badly behaved. He had that terrible Tourette’s syndrome and would scream the F-word every time he heard a door closing. As you can imagine, doors close quite often at the Seniors’ Living Palace, and it wasn’t just apartment doors! Car doors, bus doors – you name it. Even the sound of a door closing on the television would set off a stream of F-words. The residents weren’t so much jealous as offended by the constant obscenities. A few of the ladies were afraid some people might mistake the Seniors’ Living Palace for a house of ill-repute, if you know what I mean.

    Still, I had some concerns, so I called our dear friend Miles Ahava, who is on the board of directors for the Seniors’ Living Palace. He says that the SLP Charter states that non-retiree relatives of residents can live at SLP as long as he or she is a minor (which means you are under 18) and/or mentally impaired (like your friend Shannon). Mr. Ahava said this provision was added due to the fact that more and more seniors are needing to take responsibility for their grandchildren, because the parents of these poor grandchildren are selfish baby-boomers from the “me” generation and don’t want children to ruin their “lifestyle”. I explained your situation as delicately as I could, and Mr. Ahava agreed to bring up your possible SLP residency at the next board meeting. He did say, however, that it should not be a problem as you are well-known and liked in the building by the residents, you are an older child, and that everyone knows that you are pretty much the only family poor Jim has left. Once your residency has been presented and seconded, the residents of the SLP will need to vote on it. I am already planning to make cookies with “Vote for April!” written on them, and Anne is bringing posterboard and paint so that we can make posters to hang in the hallways, elevator and lobby. I thought a nice campaign slogan would be “Vote for April, SLP’s spring flower”. This is SO exciting!

    I am also going to get my senior friends together for a letter-writing campaign. The Witch of Corbeil needs to understand what the best option is for you, and my friends can be very persuasive.

    Iris Richards

  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I see that crafty old crone, Iris has counter-offered you and Deanna said we can’t match everything, because we really need the baby-sitting. Deanna said I can offer you free room and board and your normal baby-sitting salary, with bonuses if you baby-sit the kids when Mira Sobinski comes to visit, so Deanna and I don’t have to talk to her.

    As for your evenings with Gerald, Deanna wants to reiterate our non-interference offer, and Deanna has even offered to provide you with free birth control, which she says can easily get.

    There you go, formerly little sis. Another new offer on the table for you. Let’s see Iris match that!!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:06 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest April flower, and Honoria sister-flower,

    Stabbing Honoria with the knitting needle was a huge accident. I saw our brother punching her in the stomach, and I lunged at him to stab him in retribution, but he shoved Honoria into the path of my needle. Fortunately, she was wearing a traditional white silk Japanese kimono with an obi, which is a thick fabric belt around the waist. The obi quite fortuitously prevented damage to her internal organs.

    Everyone knows I love my baby sister.

    Devotedly, Gerald

  • At 4:07 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    apes! don't trust birth control u get frum dee! didn't u hear abt the "little milboro baby boom" that has been happening since dee started working here in town?


  • At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Iris Richards said…

    April dear,

    Just a quick reminder of everything we have at the apartment for your enjoyment:
    -Large, flat-screen television with all premium cable channels, TIVO, DVD player
    -Bose surround-sound home theatre system, CD player and MP3 dock
    -Apple MacBook Pro with a high-speed wireless internet connection
    -Netflix subscription
    -iTunes monthly allotment
    -“Gourmet-to-Go” food delivery service
    -Unlimited long-distance calling

    Your grandfather and I are willing to offer you an allowance of $50 (CDN) per week. This allowance does not include lunch money – we’ll give you extra for that. In addition, we’re willing to negotiate a monthly clothing and toiletry allowance to make sure you look and feel your best.

    I don’t want you to feel pressured, dear. Your grandfather and I just want what’s best for you and will support whatever makes you the happiest.

    Iri$ RICHard$

  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    uh-oh, u guyz, blogger has a sked'ed outage in a bit less than 45 min.

    i'm @ gramps an' iris's apt. iris ordered sum of my favourite foods and she just finished showing me a power point presentation on the advantages of living w/her an' gramps. i had no idea iris had developed her 'puter skillz so well!

    i dunno what will happ w/my living sitch, but i m thinking i'd prefer 2live sumplace where i won't b seen as or treated like hired help, u know?

    neway, we r abt 2 watch a movie iris got from netflix.


  • At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. That Iri$ is a devil, isn’t she? I hope you remember that all that electronic equipment is back in her bedroom, because when you look at Iris’ apartment in the living room, there is nothing there but a coffee table, a kitchen table, and a lot of pictures of ugly people on the wall (Iris’ kids, I think. I’ve never met them, so I wouldn’t know for sure). I spoke to Deanna about it at length and she has decided to match evil Iris’ wretched offer.

    Naturally the television and electronic equipment in the house is being left to us by mom and dad when they move out, and you are familiar with it and how mom bought it second-hand back in 2002, after she gave us all her second-hand stuff from the rec room (now burned). However, we have been waiting to spend the money we got from the contents insurance on our fire loss until we found a new place. Once the house on Sharon Park Drive is officially ours, we can use the insurance money to buy some new things to replace that old second-hand stuff. And if some of those new things happened to be delivered to your room, because you chose them yourself for yourself; and you didn’t want to have to look over Grandpa Jim’s shoulder in his bedroom, while he watches his documentaries on World War II plane maintenance or watch The Sound of Music for the 100th time in a row or some other rated G kids movie Iris gets from Netflix; then I would say it’s just a wonderful thing that my children have such a happy auntie who happens to be their happy baby-sitter, too.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    I accept your apology for stabbing me with the knitting needle, mainly due to the shocked look on your face after you did it, instead of the usual sniggering you do after you have played some sort of joke on me.

    Mater was quite distressed you had ruined my reenactment of the time during her youth when she was wearing a traditional white silk Japanese kimono with an obi and her childhood sweetheart Ronson van Daam called her a fatass. She was trying to make a point with me about my eating using dramatic illustrations. That’s why Mater was yelling at you, “No. Gerald. Ronson didn’t try to kill me!! He called me a fatass! Don’t stab the fatty!”

    Brother, dear. Please be more careful with those needles in the future. Even through an obi, they hurt.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    actually, mike, gramps and iris have a v. clever wall unit that, when closed, looks like an ordinary wall in the living room. but when it's open, it reveals the flat-screen tv, computer, and other electronics. they alwayz keep the wall unit shut when u visit.

    i will think abt yr offer, tho.


  • At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Iris Richards said…

    Michael Dear,

    Since you haven't been over to the apartment in quite some time, I thought you may need reminding that we have a den as well as a formal living room. Perhaps if you'd visit more often and spend more than 15 minutes in the actual apartment, you'd know that.

    I'm typing this on the MacBook (using our high-speed wireless internet connection) while Jim and April enjoy "Music and Lyrics", that cute movie with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. After Jim goes to bed, April and I plan on staying up and watching "Walk the Line". I just love Johnny Cash's music and both April and I think Joaquin Phoenix is a dreamboat.

    Michael, I wish you could see how happy your grandfather is right now. He just loves it when his family comes to visit. It gives him so much joy to spend time with April. But I suppose your grandfather's happiness in the final years of his life doesn't matter much to you, does it? After all, you probably have a hard time remembering what Jim looks like.

    If you'll excuse me, I'm going to prepare a nice snack: Billot Logs and tall glasses of milk.

    Mrs. Iris Richards

  • At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    I must admit I was initially quite surprised to hear how well-equipped your apartment is, with its hidden wall units and hidden dens, and your fancy entertainment centers and computers, and your expensive foods, and your knowledge of modern movies. All those years when you used to write in your monthly letters about not knowing what DVD players were, or how you and Grandpa used to watch Doctor Who, or how you had to go to other people’s apartments to enjoy widescreen television, or how you depended upon others to make musical and entertainment suggestions for you so you wouldn’t watch The Sound of Music all the time, and all those times when Grandpa Jim used to complain about how he had to eat dog food if he wanted a snack; they all make sense now.

    I see now why April said you keep your hidden wall unit shut when I come to visit, which was just last February, by the way. I see now why it is that Grandpa Jim exudes coarse, foul and filthy language around me when I come; but not around April. You may claim that you want me to visit more often and spend more than 15 minutes in the actual apartment, but when did you ever offer to see fancy Hollywood movies with me, where we would ogle the fine bodies of Hugh Grant or Joaquin Phoenix together? When did you ever offer me a Billot Log and a tall glass of milk? When did you ever stay up to 9:30 pm with me, instead of saying you had to go to bed at 6 pm for the beauty rest you so obviously needed? Hum?

    I see now it was all a front. You keep the others away, but encourage April. I think I may have underestimated you, oh obliquitous octogenarian. Poor April may have fallen under your sway, but eventually she will realize the best place for her is with Deanna and me, where those items she gets for herself using our insurance money are hers to keep, and not some exorbitant purchase made by a couple on a fixed income who have overextended themselves and are sure to have those fancy possessions repossessed any day now.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:53 PM, Anonymous Iris Richards said…

    Michael dear,

    When you "visited" in February, I never got the opportunity to offer you Billot Logs and a tall glass of milk - you were too upset by Jim's stroke-induced foul language. Why, you were so hysterical I had to call your wife and ask her for advice on how to calm you down. She asked me if you had mentioned your book, and assured me once you remembered it had been published you would forget all about Jim's problems.

    Perhaps you should ask Deanna about the surprising, hidden features of this well-appointed apartment. She and her friend Carleen Stein have been over to the apartment several times for the express purpose of analyzing how the cabinets were built and what types of thing could be hidden in them - hypothetically speaking, of course.

    In any case, I wouldn't worry about the Richards family inheritance - which I'm sure is why you show such concern for how we paid for such luxuries. The items in question have been paid in full and are under no danger of repossession. How we acquired such things is really none of your concern.

    Michael, I saved the last Billot Log for you, and there is plenty of milk left. If you'd like to join us, I could make up the additional spare room. You'd like it - it's on the top floor of the building, and is furnished with a mahogany desk, telephone, couch, dorm-sized fridge for snacks and beer, and has high-speed wireless internet. Did I mention it's very quiet and ina child-free building? It would be perfect for, say, a writer....

    Iris Richards

  • At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Your art of seduction will not work on me, because I have been seduced by the best, and over the years I have developed a tolerance for seduction. I may “stop by” for a Billot Log and a tall glass of milk, but that doesn’t mean you are going to be able to get me to talk about my book to calm me down, if Grandpa Jim starts cursing. I may give the hidden features of your apartment a once-over, but that doesn’t mean I am going to hunt down where Deanna and Carleen hid my Ned Tanner doll. I may glance askew at your luxuries, but that doesn’t mean I am going to enjoy any of them. I may take a look at your additional spare room, but that doesn’t mean I am going to write any part of my novel there. I am onto you and your wicked ways.

    However, if the air where you live, smells too much like old people, I may suggest we go out for a coffee and some fresh air.

    Michael Patterson


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