Gramps the Conversation Piece

This morning, Gramps sent me another e-mail:

Hello, April!

In case you were wondering what happened after we got out of the elevator where no one was talking to me? Well, Iris wheeled me outside to the seating area where the olds in my building like to sit around and chit-chat. Two building employees came up to me--a young woman and a young man, and the young woman said, "It's good to see you outside, Jim!" She talked right to me, April! That was so nice! Then Iris said, "He's looking well, isn't he!" And the young man said, "Very well!" Then Iris told him, "He's had a few ups and downs, but in general, his health seems to be stable." And the man said, "Good to know, good to know."

Iris continued: "We've had some visitors lately and taken some nice drives. He watched a movie last night, and his daughter is coming to stay with him soon." If I could have spoken, I would have said, "Yeah, I'll believe THAT when I see it!" Also, I noticed that this nice young man was Asian and he almost seemed like an Asian guy drawn by a 60-year-old woman who has trouble drawing Asians without making them look as though their eyes are always closed! But then, I just thought, "I used to be part of a conversation.... And now, I'm a conversation piece!"

But don't feel too bad for your old Gramps. Your visit yesterday really brightened my day, as always!

Love,

Grandpa

Aww, poor Gramps. I hate when ppl talk abt me like I'm not there. :(

Apes

Liz clues in the Ant

I got an e-mail from Liz, and this is what she sed:

April,

I know some of your nosy readers want to know about when I talked to Anthony about having the wedding this summer. Not that it's any of their business, but I don't want anyone spreading mean lies about me.

Anthony and I took the kid to the park again, and we let her run way, way ahead of us on the path. I was thinking that maybe she'd get lost and I'd keep Anthony distracted and he'd forget and I wouldn't have to worry about being a stepmother after all. So I told him about wanting to move the wedding to this summer.

Anthony said, "I thought we might wait until next year, Liz--But sooner is fine too!" I said, "It's because of my grandfather's health." Anthony replied, "I understand! We could get married tomorrow, next week, next month..." We turned to face each other, and I put a hand on each of his elbows as he put a hand on each of my upper arms. I told him, "I don't want this wedding to be big or lavish or complicated, Anthony." Anthony is soooooo in sync with me April. He said, "Neither do I." Isn't that just AMAZING? We are soooooo meant for each other! I don't even have to THINK about it!!!

Frenchy came up to us, and we did that thing where each of us takes one of her hands and she kind of swings between us. Anthony confessed, later, that while that was happening, he was thinking, "But weddings are like Woodstock.... Sometimes, They take on a life of their own!"

Oh, and for those of your meanie readers who complain about my hair being in a bun almost all the time. During this time in the park, I had my hair down, with a beautiful, wide headband! So there!

Liz

Yeah. OK. Whatever.

OMG, I M still kinda shaking over that scary-arse xxperience Jeremy an' I had in that alternate universe we found in the crawlspace. I was, like, shellshocked when I sed that stuff abt the ppl there being friendly and helpful. Scary and depressing is more like it! Jeremy, that is NOT my destiny! Not for sure! I think this must B like A Christmas Carol. That will only come true if I let it. If I don't take measures to make sure it never, ever happens. I need strategies 2 make sure it never does. Please help me think, Jeremy! U 2, Duncan. I M sure U don't want that 2 come true, either! MayB we all hafta make sure we never go back 2 Mboro after we leave 4 uni. I mean, if we're not in Mboro, there is no1 2 think big noses on us wd B "funny," 4 xxample. We cd live in, like, Halifax, Nova Scotia and have small noses, rite! Help, guyz!

Oh, BTW. Jeremy, his mom, stepdad, step-sis, and I R all traveling 2 Syracuse, NY 2day. 4 sum reason, his step-dad's grandmother lives there, and she is having a special celebration 4 her 100th bday! I won't have my fone w/me, cuz Mom commandeered it 2 lend 2 Liz cuz she lost hers and Mom sez she needs 2 B in constant contact w/Liz during wedding-planning logistics or whatevs. Jeremy mite B able 2 post, tho, assuming he has reception in Syracuse.

Apes

Crying

So, the day after my recent mall trip, I did go 2 visit Gramps and Iris. Gramps was sleeping when I got there, so we went in2 the bedroom, and I was all, "Grampa? Grampa..." I noticed that his glasses and the remote control were next 2 him on the bed. Iris went, "April's here 2 C U, Jim. April's here!" Gramps went, "Mm?" Iris kinda pulled him up 2 a seated position while saying, "Let me help U up." And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Then Iris sed 2 me, "Put the tea on, wd U, sweetheart?" And I sed, "Sure." While I was putting the tea on, I cd hear Iris saying, "She brought her music and a box of yr favourite cookies, and she's going 2 stay 4 dinner." C, I decided 2 bring more than time. And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Once I'd gotten the tea into 2 teapot and the cups set up on the counter, Iris opened the bedroom door and sed, "He's so pleased 2 C U, he wants 2 walk our here on his own, so U can C how well he's doing!" Then Gramps came out of the bedroom, struggling w/all his might 2 walk out using his walker. And his struggle made me so sad, I thought, "I want 2 cry."

Jeremy, I hafta say our visit w/yr grandparents last nite was v. interesting. I was surprised they knew so much abt my life, yr life, our friends' lives, and how things "work" in Mboro. It's almost like they sit around each day finding out stuff that happens 2 us and discussing it in gr8 detail 2 make jokes abt us!

Also, I luv U, 2!!! <3 <3 <3

Apes

Mike reminisces on the grim past

Mike wrote a comment last nite abt the bad old days:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, my wife, the lovely Deanna and I were discussing the role of parents in disciplining our children. My daughter and son were not paying attention to their mother as they often do, and Deanna turned to me and said, “Why don’t you get off your bottom and help?” We have had this discussion before and I had to say again, “But, honey, mom showed you exactly what you had to do to keep children in line. This is a good opportunity for you to practise that good advice.” Deanna just glared at me and went back to her usual, ineffective method, no doubt taught to her by her imbecilic mother.

The method mom used, as you are no doubt well aware from having the same mother, is the fine art of raising your voice to that level which is above the level of stern, above the level of threatening, above the level of angry, and right to the point where a young child might think that their mother is on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. As a young child, I learned to ignore stern, threatening, and angry; because mom was never very good at any of those kinds of emotions. However, I never got used to nervous breakdown mom, where you weren’t quite sure if she was going to pull out a wire hangar as a disciplining tool and not stop beating you until the police pried you out of her hands. Needless to say, when mom put on this voice, Elizabeth and I obeyed mom immediately.

I remember one occasion in particular, and if you ask Elizabeth she will remember it too. Mom had asked me to pick up my toys. And I asked mom why I had to pick them up, since I was just going to put them on the floor again the next day. Mom was holding Elizabeth and she put on that nervous breakdown tone of voice and said, “Because I SAID to pick up your toys THAT’S why!” I know that when Elizabeth heard the voice, she was probably panic-stricken to actually be in mom’s arms at that moment. Elizabeth told me she was in fear for her life, but fortunately for her, mom used a one-handed toss to throw her in her crib and said, “Then you get into your pyjamas OR ELSE!” I believe Elizabeth was quite grateful it was only a one-handed toss, and she said to mom, “Mama?” However, mom replied back to her, “Be quiet and go to sleep, Lizzie!” Needless to say, that is what Lizzie tried to do. Most children the age of Lizzie when she was in a crib, have a long drawn-out bed time routine before they can go to sleep. I know that my kids did, and there were many nights when I wondered what my mother would think if she saw me rocking my son or my daughter to sleep, instead of slinging them into their beds and giving them a good night bellow. However, sometimes as a parent you have to do the things your wife tells you to do and if she says, “Don’t scream your children to sleep,” then you don’t, even if you want to.

On this particular occasion with mom, I heard her yelling at Lizzie and I leapt into bed with my Super Teddy and tried to get to sleep as quickly as possible, Unfortunately, mom SLAMmed the door, and it woke me up. Then mom pointed a finger and me and said (as if the SLAM was the first part of her sentence) “…and I don’t want to hear a peep from you all night, understand?”

Nights after mom shrieked me and Elizabeth to bed were difficult. I had nightmares, terrible nightmares. I would dream that mom would go to the kitchen, and drink a hot beverage out of a wine glass and think, “SIGH” with the letters melting off. I dreamt she would go into Lizzie’s bedroom with a wild and crazed look on her face, and sometimes in mine the same way. I dreamt she would lean over Lizzie’s crib and look at her sleeping with her bunny and her pillow and her sheets pulled over her, like she had been put to bed by an actual parent, and mom’s face would somehow be able to occupy the same space as the crib railing, as mom would think, “You and Michael are such beautiful kids, Elizabeth…” and then she would say out loud, while crying, “How did you end up with a mother like me?” Those were frightening dreams, and Elizabeth tells me sometimes, she had the same nightmares.

However, I know they were just dreams. After all, there is no correlation between the beauty of a child and their mother’s near nervous breakdown. Not only that, I am sure you know that the mom who raised us has no regrets about her shrieking and screaming method of discipline. Otherwise she would have changed over the last 30 years she has had kids in the house. No, formerly little sis, mom loves her screaming style. One of these days, she is going to convince Deanna we should go to yelling at our kids. It may be soon. I can hardly wait.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, what a horrible, awful, depressing story! I don't know how U can share the story, including how terrified Mom made U and Lizzie feel, and then get all warm and glowy about this being a good way 2 treat children. I M so glad Dee doesn't let this kind of thing happen w/Merrie and Robin (in case U R blanking on those names, Mike, they're yr kids!).

BTW, this morning @ brekky I asked Mom abt that dream U shared. She got tears in her eyes and said, "It's true, April. That really happened. I don't know how Mike and Liz picked that up in their dreams. I had behaved awfully with Mike and Liz. I don't know why I was like that." She looked at me and said, "Please tell me I'd mellowed a bit by the time U came along." I sed, "U'd mellowed a bit by the time I came along." She sed "good girl" and gave me sum $$ to spend at the mall. Hey, Jeremy, U wanna go 2 the mall 2day?

Speaking of dreams, I had that weird one abt being a woman in Albany, NY again. In the dream, it was my 41st birthday, and my five-year-old son told me, about the pic of Farley on Mom's website (in the Victoria Day splash image), "The doggie is squeeking a blue thing because it's yr birthday!" Weird.

Apes

Pix, rings, and love

While I was @ Gramps and Iris's place 4 that visit I've been telling U abt, Iris put Gramps 2 bed (sumhow). As she was tucking him in, I sed, "I try 2 cheer him up. I bring Dixie 2 C him, and I practice my guitar..." Iris was all, "I know--and he enjoys yr visits so much. But he drifts in2 the past now. He remembers how things USED 2 B." B4 I had the chance 2 ask how she knows that, since there is no way he can say all that, I got distracted cuz Iris was like, "I put a picture of yr grandmother on his bedside table." I was like, "U did?" Then, she sed, "It seems 2 cheer him up." I went, "Iris... it looks so strange! I mean--Grandma Marian died! U're his wife now!" And Iris sed, "Yes..." Then she put one hand on my back, kinda motioning me 2 the bedroom door 2 leave the room, and she sed, "This isn't abt the ring on my finger, dear... It's the love I have in my heart."

Sad, eh? :(

Apes

Isn't it "glass half full"?

So, more on my recent visit 2 Gramps and Iris's place. I was sitting @ the kitchen counter, and Iris was all, "Yr Grandpa is in gd health, April. His doctor thinks it's depression that makes him so....slow. I do what I can, but I can't bring back his ability 2 speak or 2 dance or 2 play guitar." Iris refilled our tea cups so she cd set up 4 sum wordplay. She went on like, "There R so many things he can't do." I asked, "But...what abt the things he CAN do?" Iris was like, "Yes... his cup is 1/2 full. But he thinks it's empty." I was disappointed, cuz I thot we were abt 2 have a discussion abt what Gramps can do and ways 2 help him do them. Like mayB we cd get out that picture book every1 seems 2 have 4gotten abt and @ least help him communic8, U know? But Iris had 2 go 4 the "cup" thing, which, BTW, I thot was supposta B "glass," only we were drinking from teacups.

Mike, I M no "pot" 2 yr Patterkettle. Unlike U, Gramps does not fall asleep @ the v. site of U. AND he doesn't fall asleep every time I play guitar 4 him, as he duz every time U try 2 read yr writing 2 him. So, deal with that.

Apes

Y?

::sigh:: Sumday, we'll have sum present-day stories 4 U again. But this flashbacking is prolly going on 4 @ least 4 wks. Crud.

Mom and Connie. Mom reminiscing, 2 contrast when she was young and dissatisfied against now, when she's old (beyond her actual yrs) and dissatisfied.

Mom sed 2 Connie, "Hey remember this past September when I told John that he was getting quite a paunch, and he went in2 that nonsense abt having 'relaxed abdominals' and simply needing 'a few specific exercises' (which BTW, he's never gotten 2)? Connie nodded, and Mom sed, "Well, sum ppl mite think I was out of line 'attacking' John like that, but thoze ppl can't possibly know what this man has put me through." Connie sed, "Ooh, do U have a story from the past 2 illustrate what U R talking abt?" And Mom was all, "Indeed, I do, dear friend!"

"This was sumthing that happened when Lizzie was a baby and Michael was in kindergarten." Connie sed, "Don't U all say 'Elizabeth' now?" Mom sed, "Sure, but when I think of her as a baby, I still think 'Lizzie.' Or 'Nizzie.'" Connie sed, "Oh." Mom went on, "NEway, once I was putting away dishes (b-cuz it's not like John wd ever pitch in w/a task like that), and he had the nerve 2 say, 'U know, Elly. U R getting a little rotund.' " Connie gasped and Mom sed, "I know! And so I went up to him and pinched @ sum of his xxtra fat around the waistline. And I pted @ it and sed, "Oh, yeah?... And what do U call this stuff?" And John actually sed, "That's different. On men, a little xxtra w8 looks OK!" I went back 2 putting away dishes and sed, "There's no justice in a society where women get fat... and men grow 'love handles.'"

Connie sed, "But w8. Y did you not challenge his premise, instead of just tacitly accepting it?" And Mom sed, "That's the way I was then." Connie sed, "WAS?" And Mom raised her brows. Connie was all, "Really, Elly, how did U end up w/such a sexist lout, NEway? There were sum really enlightened guys U cd have hooked up w/@ university." Mom shook her hed and sed, "I had such low self-esteem that when John was nice 2 me, I hooked rite on2 him. And he was such a nerd, I thot he'd alwayz B nice 2 me b-cuz he was w/a woman who shd have been out of his league. But once he became a dentist, he figured he had status, and status trumps nerdiness. So the jerkish side came out."

Connie shook her hed sadly. "U cd leave him U know." Mom sed, "@ my age? Preposterous. I have 2 make the best of my situation." Connie tried 2 argue more, but Mom wd have nun of it. "Save yr energy, Connie. I have around 20 stories 2 tell U in this session." Connie sed, "Well, I'd better take a pee break then. Coffee. U can't buy it, only rent it."

Apes.

Gramps Deathwatch for the New Year

Hey, every1, so it's New Year's Eve Eve, eh? Gramps had such a gd time writing that e-mail I shared w/U yesterday, he's sent me another:

Dear April,

Well, I'm still here! Can you believe it? These days, I never can. I have another story to share with you. It's a little thing I call "Gramps Deathwatch for the New Year." Please use that as the title of your next blog entry if you share this message with your friends. It sounds cynical, I know, but I think it captures my story perfectly.

My building had an early New Year's party. I guess they figured at our age, we don't stay up to watch the ball drop anyway, so might as well have the celebration a couple of days early. Iris got me into a dress shirt, tie, and dinner jacket, and wheeled my chair to the elevator. The rec room was decorated with streamers, balloons, and a large "HAPPY NEW YEAR" banner. This brought back memories of my high-school gym dressed up for school dances.

At about ten seconds before 8 PM, we were asked to pretend it was almost midnight so that we could simulate the new year's countdown. Once everyone had counted down, those of us who have the power to speak (read: not me) yelled out "Happy New Year!" And used those damn fool noisemakers that hurt my ears. Ow! Then a white-haired crone with scary, spider hands played the pianna while those with voices sang "Auld Lang Zyne." Then they segued into "We're All Together Again." When the song came to "And who knows whennnn we'll be all together againnnn" I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that Iris was giving me a sidelong glance that was both sad and pointed. See what I mean about "deathwatch," April? She gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I sensed she was probably thinking "Happy New Year, Jim." That was kind of odd (not the kiss, the confining herself to thoughts). Usually, Iris is the one who speaks out loud, and I am the one reduced to my thoughts.

Odder still, I experienced the whole evening without thinking at all. I was in some kind of a weird, "Zen" state, I think the New-Agey types call it.

Well, Happy New Year in advance, in case I don't make it to '08.

Love,

Grandpa Jim

Aw, Gramps, I wish U wdn't say things like that! Happy New Year 2 U an' Iris.

Apes

Depressing thots from Gramps

Guess what? I got an e-mail from Grandpa Jim.

Hello, April! I'll bet you are surprised to receive e-mail from your old gramps! Well, my physiotherapist is a wonderful woman, and as you can see, she has gotten me to the point where I can type again.

Iris and I have been following your stories about the "Christmas" dinner, and I thought you might be interested to know what happened on our end after that gathering.

Iris, God bless her, feels the need to fill in for my silence by speaking for the both of us. I can't blame her. I might be the same way if our positions were reversed. But I confess, it does grate at times.

Anyway, Iris had exited the Para-Bus at our building's unloading dock, and while I was being wheeled out, I noticed that Iris, Simon the driver/aide, and I had all gone into that weird, white silhouette-with-outlines people go into from time to time in Milborough. It was snowing in large, elliptical snowflakes, and the wind was visibly blowing in swirl formation. Iris said, "Thank you very much, Simon." And Simon replied, "You're welcome, Mrs. Richards," as he is wont to do.

As Iris wheeled me to the elevator, she said, "That was nice, wasn't it, Jim." That was a statement, rather than a question. This depressed me, since it reminded me that I couldn't answer and a response was not expected. She continued, "It's good to be with family." As she pressed the "up" button for the elevator, she said, "You were the patriarch tonight! Everyone was so proud to have a great-grandfather at the table!" I know that Iris means well, but I did not see any evidence that this was true. I was mostly ignored, and I had the distinct impression that most of my family were thinking cruel, uncharitable thoughts during Mira Sobinski's lovely grace. I think she was the only other person at the table who understood the spirit of the season. Oh, I know that you "get it," too, April, but as you know, you had been banished to the kids' table in the kitchen. If only I could have talked, I would have argued that we should put those two tables together so that everyone could be in one place for the dinner.

While wheeling me into our apartment, Iris prattled on, "And you stayed until the end of the evening. --As Christmases go, that was a first!" Then I had a thought, which oddly felt as though it was the final statement in a quasi-delusional 60-year-old woman's once-funny, now soap-opera comic strip: "As Christmases go, my deareast Iris... It might be my last."

I know that was a terribly depressing thought, April. But I don't seem to be getting better (past reaching the point where I can write this, for which I am grateful), and I don't think my ability to speak will ever come back. You reach a certain point where life ceases to be enjoyable, and though I hate the thought of leaving behind loved ones, like you and Iris, I know I'll be in a better place when I finally go. And we'll all meet again someday, so I don't fear death.

Well, that was altogether too serious for a moment, there. Oh, and I want to let you know that the high point of our evening was when you played the guitar and sang for us, April. It was kind of unfortunate when your big sister tried to harmonize, though. She's really let her vocal exercises lapse over the years. Oh, and when Robin grabbed hold of your guitar and yanked at the strings until they broke? It's sad that his parents have failed to teach him that this is a bad thing to do. Iris has ordered some more strings for you, and they should arrive in the coming week.

Well, this has been longer than I anticipated, but it just feels so good to be able to write to you! Best wishes for a wonderful new year! May you and your friends realize your dreams and goals for 2008.

Love,

Grandpa Jim

Aww, thanx 4 writing, Gramps. It makes me sad that U R feeling that death wd B better than life, but I think I understand what U R talking abt. And I'm glad U enjoyed my guitar playing. Thanx 2 U and Iris 4 ordering more strings.

Oh, 4 the anon poster who wanted 2 know if Gerald still reads and posts here. He still reads here, but hasn't posted 4 a while. We've stayed friends, but things have been a bit awkward between us. IM sure he will B interested 2 know abt his name meaning "strong lance" in ancient German. He luvs that kinda thing!

Apes

2 Sleeps 2 Xmas

Mike has sum more stuff 2 share abt life in the ol' Pattermanse:

April,

Formerly little sis. There’s a time in every parent’s life, when he realizes that his little children have passed the point of being obsessive-compulsive about something and have simply turned the corner on full-fledged insanity. When that time comes, the only thing a parent can do is deal with his children’s obsessions and hope that some day they will be old enough to be put in some kind of institution made for those kinds of things.

Such was the situation today. I was busy working on my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, when I became aware of an altercation brewing in the house. Naturally, since I was busy at work, I ignored it.

I could hear my children lying on the floor beside the Christmas tree, muttering to themselves about how they were so anxious about Christmas they were going to lie next to the tree and stare intently at the Christmas tree skirt until presents appeared there. This is a technique I have not tried myself; but I doubted it would be successful.

Then I heard my son crawling around in the fireplace looking up the chimney for Santa, showing that our protective, free-standing,yellow, hover pole we purchased to keep the kids out of the fireplace was not a very good investment. However, I still think it works as a decorative curiosity, with its lack of visible support. It is certainly better than the investment of having completely rebricked the fireplace with multi-coloured bricks since last year.

Then I heard the kids say, “Gotta move chesterfield back by tree. Momma coming.” Then “Wait, it’s just that rabbit.” Then “What rabbit?” Then “Auntie April’s rabbit over there.” Then “That’s not a rabbit. Rabbit have sticky-up ears.” Then “No, momma says it’s a rabbit.” Then “Merrie. How you do that?” Then “What?” Then “Bend legs like that?” Then “What?” Then “One behind you. One in front.” Then “Shush! You’ll make my boyfriend mad.” Then “No. Merrie. Tree not boyfriend.” Then “Yes he is. I call him Leafy. He puts his branch on me to touch my special places.” Then “No Merrie. No put Leafy on your chest. It wrong.” Then “Leafy is my childhood sweetheart. I gonna marry Leafy.” Then “What momma say if she see you?” Then “Momma!!! Leafy was…” Then “Merrie wants to know when Santa here. She not in love with tree. Just Santa.”

Then I heard my wife, the lovely Deanna say, “Guys, …it’s another two sleeps before Santa comes.” Then I heard my son say, “Anover two sleeps?!!!” Then I heard my daughter whisper, “Does she mean naptimes or just nighttimes?” Then, “I dunno. Momma is weird.” Then “It a trick. Like last year. They say, ‘All presents burned. Sorry’.” Then “We gotta stop her.”

Then I heard my daughter say, “But…that’s so LONG!!” Then I heard my son say, “We want Santa to come NOW!” Then I heard some running and my children saying, “Get her! No escape!” And then there was some screaming.

Then after that, my wife, the lovely Deanna, brought the kids into where I was working and said, “Honey, would you do something with the kids, please?” I said, “Sure thing!” Then I said, “Cheeze, honey. Why are you leaning over to your left like some one did something to your left leg?” Deanna said, “Don’t ask.” But as I was putting their little coats on the children in complete darkness (darn instantaneous silhouettes), I could tell Deanna was thinking, “Great!—They need to get their minds off Christmas!”

Using my extra sensitive husband senses, I realized what Deanna wanted me to do. The best way to get children’s minds off Christmas is old-fashioned good parenting. I would take the kids to a toy store and let them stand outside and look at the window display, but not let them go in until they eventually get tired of Christmas and begged me to go someplace warm. Anthony Caine told me he did this so often with his half-Quebecoise daughter, that when they go to look at displays at toy stores she doesn’t even look at them. Trust Anthony to come up with a new way to teach children. That’s why he is the “idea man” at Mayes Midtown Motors. He was right once again. After a few hours in front of that display, and a few tears about wanting to go someplace warm, my children learned to get their minds off Christmas. Thank you, Anthony Caine!

Love,

Michael Patterson

Mike, following Anthony's parenting xxample is a perfect recipe 4 permanently damaging yr kids so they end up living in a psychiatric ward w/padded walls. But based on yr opening paragraph, it soundz like U R assuming that is where they will end up. So sad.

Apes

Anthony the Sadist

OMG, from Liz, more evidence that Anthony is an awful parent:

April,

Well, you no doubt will be happy to hear this, but it is a great tragedy, the salad I so lovingly prepared for our Christmas feast was destroyed, I couldn't lift it, so it had to stay at Anthony's, and then Anthony couldn't fit it inside his refrigerator, so he put it outside in a snowbank to refrigerate it, and Anthony's neighbor accidentally ran over the bowl with his snowblower, there were bits of macaroni and breadsticks and cheese all over the front yard, the whole place smells like ranch dressing, well, when I went over there (as I do every night after school) Anthony was already making a salad to replace it, it was one of the kind you like, with real lettuce in it, well, I had to laugh, Anthony played this game with Frenchy, he was cutting up carrots to go in the salad, since he heard they are Dee's favorite, and he pretended to chop his finger off, and said it got lost in the salad with the carrots, Frenchy was freaked out, it was hilarious how he messed with her mind as he pretended to look for the carrot, then he told her we would just have to eat the salad anyway and call it "finger food," I almost swooned, wordplay AND he is warping his daughter's little French mind, he's a dreamboat!, oh, and did I mention, he never told Frenchy the truth about his finger, so on Christmas when Frenchy tells you there are fingers in the salad, play along, we're hoping this "joke" will be a wonderful Christmas "memory" to cherish for years to come!

Liz

Poor Francie. I think my gift 2 her will B 2 start up a therapy fund 4 her. Poor kid will need it. I'll give contribution deets 2 NE1 who wants 2 pitch in.

Apes

Merry

Iris sent me an email:

April, dear, I noticed that you have been writing about the preparations your mother and sister-in-law have done in advance of the Christmas dinner we will be having at, as you quaintly call it, the "Pattermanse." I thought that maybe your readers might want to hear what your Grandpa Jim and I have been doing in anticipation of that dinner.

As your gramps was settling into his wheelchair, I told him, "We're going to have a lovely time, dear. We haven't been over to see your family in a long time!" I had set my bottles of wine on the kitchen counter to ensure that I not forget them. It's so easy to forget things these days, with all the things I need to keep track of while caring for your gramps. Not that I'm complaining, oh, no! It's the toughest job I've ever loved!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Once Jim was settled into his chair, I crouched in front of him (I can do that thanks to the "gentle yoga for seniors" I've been taking), and I told him, "Oh, I know the little ones get on your nerves sometimes, but you enjoy seeing Liz and Michael--and April will bring her guitar..." Then, I put on my coat, and as I got your grandpa's coat off of the hook, I said, "We'll have a fine dinner, open a few gifts--and it will be a merry, merry Christmas." And then I had the spookiest feeling that Jim was thinking, "Yes... I remember being merry."

Then I got his coat onto him, got him into the elevator and out to the loading area of our building, where the vans pick us up when we need to go somewhere. Then I said, "That was great, Jim! We beat our last time by 30 seconds! We'll do great once it's time to go to that dinner! Wonderful practice drill!" Then I took him back to the apartment. I can hardly wait to see you at the Christmas dinner, April. I'm so excited, I've taken Jim through this drill 17 times!

Best wishes,

Iris

Thanx 4 writing in, Iris! I'm glad U R looking 4ward 2 the dinner. I M gonna make sure there R foods that won't kill U w/all their sat fat and sodium!

Apes

Remembrance Day

Jeremy and I R gonna go 2 a Remembrance-Day ceremony 2day, even tho Mom decided not 2 bother this yr. Her reason is that Gramps is not well enuf 2 go, and will B watching on TV instead.

Mom sez that this is what's gonna happen: Iris will set up Gramps in his recliner w/blankets and pillows and w/a hot water bottle on his chest. She'll ask him if he's comfy enuf, even tho she knows he won't answer. On the program, sum1 will say, "We R gathered here 2day, 2 remember our sons, our daughters, our relatives and friends....ordinary ppl w/extraordinary courage...our soldiers of war." Iris will put a hand on his shoulder and say, "Jim? The Remembrance Day Service has started, dear!" Unbeknowest 2 Iris, hearing the service will make Gramps have a special sleep where he hears everything and also has a vivid dream where a guy who resembles Mike, dressed as a soldier, rescues a little girl who is wandering in an area where bombs R being dropped. From the inside an archway, the little girl and the Mike-looking soldier can see the town on fire as Mike-soldier sweats like crazy out of his hairline. When real-life Merrie wanders over 2 the odefoax home and finds her way 2 Gramps an' Iris's apt, so she can ask Iris if her gr8-grampa Jim got 2 C "all the stuff abt the war," Iris will say, "No, Meredith." Then Merrie will look gobsmacked as Iris says, "He slept rite thru it."

I asked Mom how it was that she knew that all this is gonna happen, and she sed, "It's ordained 2 happen that way." She refused 2 say more. I asked her if she wasn't concerned abt Merrie B-ing allowed 2 wander around like that, and she sed, "I let U kids wander around, and U all turned out fine." I tried 2 remind her that I almost drowned in the ravine, but she stuck her fingers in her ears and sang, "LALALALALALALA!"

Apes

Sometimes I just don't learn

So, like I mentioned in yesterday's comments, I went shopping for a new backpack. There was a 30%-off luggage sale, and I picked out a pink backpack w/a yellow front pouch and yellow straps.

When I got home, I showed it 2 Mom, all, "Check this out, Mom! --I just bought it!" Then 4 sum reason, I decided 2 show her all its features: "It's go MP3 an' cell fone pockets, water holders, lunch compartment, shoe stringers, an' a hidden cash pouch! Behold the reinforced shoulder straps, mega payload area and 2ndary zippered supply compartments." Then I loaded it up w/stuff, like testing what wd happ if I used each and every one of thoze features and compartments I had just shown Mom, all while saying, "I can totally load it up w/everything I'll ever need!" And then, I went 2 put my arms thru the straps, and the exertion of doing so caused me 2 have the words GRUNT HM MFF MMM ERK STRUGGLE appear in the air around me. Then, once I'd hoisted the pack up on2 my shoulders, hunching under the w8 of it, and asking Mom, "Is this a gr8 invention, or what?!!" And Mom was all, "Yes." And as I struggled 2 my room, feeling motion lines coming out from 2 pts of my backpack and from my butt, and 2 stars by my forehead and nose, I had the odd, odd feeling that Mom was thinking sumthing inane like "It gives a whole new meaning 2 the words 'back 2 school.'"

Y'know, as I was huffing 2 my room w/my over-loaded backpack on me, I had this nagging feeling of déjà vu. And I remembered that several yrs ago, I did the same xxact thing w/an overloaded backpack, rite down 2 carrying sneakers in it. I sed, like, almost the same xxact thing abt b-ing able 2 carry everything I needed, and @ the time, Gramps tried 2 warn me that I was lugging 2 much w8 on my back. Soon after, I switched 2 a smaller backpack, and Gramps asked my if this was cuz I was following his suggestion. I told him it was cuz of a comment Becky had made.

NEway, I was thinking @ least then I had the xxcuse of being a lot younger. This time, I was 16 yrs old, and it was like I'd learned absolutely nuthing in the intervening yrs. I was thinking it was as if I'd just been given sum traits 4 comic effect, and my growing, maturing, and changing over my lifetime was all an illusion. That all got me kinda depressed.

But then I kinda told myself I shd try 2 take control of my destiny insteada needlessly repeating the old patterns. So I dumped my backpack on2 my bed, weeded out the stuff I didn't really need, and tried it again. So now I have my backpack all ready 2 start school on Tuesday, without breaking my back. Yay, me. For the moment.

And I have bad newz. I got a strange e-mail from a jiflb.org domain, informing me that 4 the next 2 wks (xxcluding Sundays, probably) my topic was 2 B Mike reminiscing over old foto albums w/Merrie. Then I'd B discussing Liz and Anthony, and wd go back & forth betw that as my topic and Mike's reminiscing until sumtyme early next yr, when Liz's relationship w/Anthony goes 2 sum kinda logical conclusion.

After that, we'll B in2 full-time reminiscing. And I'm gonna hafta decide if I'm so bored that I don't even wanna do this blog NEmore. I don't know yet, but I will let U all know 1ce I get that figured out.

Apes

OMG, it's only THURSDAY

So Iris had returned just in the nick of time. Cuz, like, Gramps needs help w/the washroom but isn't comfortable going w/ne1 B-sides Iris or the nurses. And Iris tried 2 get Christine 2 stay a bit longer cuz she needed sum1 2 talk 2. But Christine left cuz she was dun w/the speech therapy 4 the day.

Sorry I hadta share that w/U. And it's only THURSDAY. We're prolly on this topic 4 @ least 2 more days. Hold me?

Apes

Here goes with the speech therapist

Oh, man, shoot me now. Looks like I'm still on Gramps, something abt his speech therapist Christine having Gramps practice his "I" sound while gazing in2 her eyes. Gah, I can only hope 4 a midweek topic change, cuz this mite kill me.

In other news, when Mike finally shuffled in2 the house yesterday afternoon, w/nothing but his little handmade card 4 Mom? U shda seen how pissed Dee was @ him. Boy did she ever hiss! And he acted all baffled like he cdn't possibly have dun NEthing wrong. "Dee, U're not my mother! Mommy is my mother!" Snerk.

Apes

One more day B4 Non-sequitur Sunday

Mike, OMG! If I get emancip8ed, I will NOT live w/U, let alone pay U RENT! Gah, I can't believe that's what yr mind leaped 2, making $$$ off of me. That's SICK! And I will NEVER pay U 2 let me babysit. Pony up, or stay home and watch yr own kids, bub!

I hear that when Gramps an' Iris got home from the physio-therapy, Iris was all, "Yr speech pathologist is coming @3. MayB U shd rest awhile." Iris sez she had this v. v. strong feeling that Gramps was thinking, I don't want 2 rest." He sat down @ the table, and Iris sed, "U don't want 2 rest? Wd U like 2 look @ the paper and have sum tea?" And Gramps replied, "Yes." Iris kneeled down 2 feel Grandpa's feet, and she was like, "Yr feet R so cold! I'll get yr slippers and sum warmer sox." When she got back w/the slipper and sox, she was all, "U're not reading the paper. Don't U want 2 know what's going on in the world?" And then she had the feeling that Gramps was thinking, "U ARE my world."

Which I have a feeling there R ppl out there who R all, "Aw! This is so sweet! Sumthing 2 put on my refriger8r door!" And in a way it's sweet, but it's also depressing in a way, 2. Cuz it makes me think that Gramps feels Iris is all he's got in the world. Like he's been abandoned. I think 2day I'll stop by after school again.

Well, one more day, @ the v. least, of sticking w/this subj. Then sumthing diff on Sunday. Then I just hope next week I won't have the irrestible need 2 tell U abt the speech therapist. ALL. WEEK. LONG.

Apes