April's Real Blog

Sunday, December 23, 2007

2 Sleeps 2 Xmas

Mike has sum more stuff 2 share abt life in the ol' Pattermanse:

Formerly little sis. There’s a time in every parent’s life, when he realizes that his little children have passed the point of being obsessive-compulsive about something and have simply turned the corner on full-fledged insanity. When that time comes, the only thing a parent can do is deal with his children’s obsessions and hope that some day they will be old enough to be put in some kind of institution made for those kinds of things.

Such was the situation today. I was busy working on my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, when I became aware of an altercation brewing in the house. Naturally, since I was busy at work, I ignored it.

I could hear my children lying on the floor beside the Christmas tree, muttering to themselves about how they were so anxious about Christmas they were going to lie next to the tree and stare intently at the Christmas tree skirt until presents appeared there. This is a technique I have not tried myself; but I doubted it would be successful.

Then I heard my son crawling around in the fireplace looking up the chimney for Santa, showing that our protective, free-standing,yellow, hover pole we purchased to keep the kids out of the fireplace was not a very good investment. However, I still think it works as a decorative curiosity, with its lack of visible support. It is certainly better than the investment of having completely rebricked the fireplace with multi-coloured bricks since last year.

Then I heard the kids say, “Gotta move chesterfield back by tree. Momma coming.” Then “Wait, it’s just that rabbit.” Then “What rabbit?” Then “Auntie April’s rabbit over there.” Then “That’s not a rabbit. Rabbit have sticky-up ears.” Then “No, momma says it’s a rabbit.” Then “Merrie. How you do that?” Then “What?” Then “Bend legs like that?” Then “What?” Then “One behind you. One in front.” Then “Shush! You’ll make my boyfriend mad.” Then “No. Merrie. Tree not boyfriend.” Then “Yes he is. I call him Leafy. He puts his branch on me to touch my special places.” Then “No Merrie. No put Leafy on your chest. It wrong.” Then “Leafy is my childhood sweetheart. I gonna marry Leafy.” Then “What momma say if she see you?” Then “Momma!!! Leafy was…” Then “Merrie wants to know when Santa here. She not in love with tree. Just Santa.”

Then I heard my wife, the lovely Deanna say, “Guys, …it’s another two sleeps before Santa comes.” Then I heard my son say, “Anover two sleeps?!!!” Then I heard my daughter whisper, “Does she mean naptimes or just nighttimes?” Then, “I dunno. Momma is weird.” Then “It a trick. Like last year. They say, ‘All presents burned. Sorry’.” Then “We gotta stop her.”

Then I heard my daughter say, “But…that’s so LONG!!” Then I heard my son say, “We want Santa to come NOW!” Then I heard some running and my children saying, “Get her! No escape!” And then there was some screaming.

Then after that, my wife, the lovely Deanna, brought the kids into where I was working and said, “Honey, would you do something with the kids, please?” I said, “Sure thing!” Then I said, “Cheeze, honey. Why are you leaning over to your left like some one did something to your left leg?” Deanna said, “Don’t ask.” But as I was putting their little coats on the children in complete darkness (darn instantaneous silhouettes), I could tell Deanna was thinking, “Great!—They need to get their minds off Christmas!”

Using my extra sensitive husband senses, I realized what Deanna wanted me to do. The best way to get children’s minds off Christmas is old-fashioned good parenting. I would take the kids to a toy store and let them stand outside and look at the window display, but not let them go in until they eventually get tired of Christmas and begged me to go someplace warm. Anthony Caine told me he did this so often with his half-Quebecoise daughter, that when they go to look at displays at toy stores she doesn’t even look at them. Trust Anthony to come up with a new way to teach children. That’s why he is the “idea man” at Mayes Midtown Motors. He was right once again. After a few hours in front of that display, and a few tears about wanting to go someplace warm, my children learned to get their minds off Christmas. Thank you, Anthony Caine!


Michael Patterson
Mike, following Anthony's parenting xxample is a perfect recipe 4 permanently damaging yr kids so they end up living in a psychiatric ward w/padded walls. But based on yr opening paragraph, it soundz like U R assuming that is where they will end up. So sad.


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  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    In his defence, he was just doing what his wife said to do: take their minds off Christmas so she could sit down for a few minutes. Where he was supposed to have gone to do that is sort of a mystery that he graciously solved. It also confirmed my feeling the warm feeling (if you can call burning rage that) I do for Anthony.

  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i heard that sum ppl in the johnston institute felt that foax wd like anthony more 1ce they knew him better, but i keep feeling that the more i know abt him, the less i like.


  • At 12:19 PM, Anonymous lnlyanthnydad2fran said…


    While a long stand in the cold is a good way to "cool off" an overexcited child, you've short-circuited the "cooling off" process by putting on a hat and zipping up their coats.

    Using my method, after only twenty minutes or so of walking the child no longer remembers that it's Christmas. Or even her name, as most of the effort goes into shivering.


  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    poor francie! her therapy fund is doing v. well, btw. lotsa peeps out there r v. afraid 4 her!


  • At 8:20 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    My good man. Your advice about avoiding putting on a hat and zipping up their coats for the children is well-taken. However, in my household, despite being a mother for 5 years, my lovely Deanna has never developed the ability to get the kids’ hats and coats on them. Actually, she oftentimes has a difficulty getting my son to keep his pants on. I won’t go into what happened the last time she took him outside “as is”. Nevertheless, I had to tell Officer Luggsworth I would make sure the kids were appropriately attired for the outdoors in the future. So, unfortunately, though your advice is good, I would rather not do the jail time in order to speed up the “cooling off” process.

    Michael Patterson


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