April's Real Blog

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

And "buttress" starts w/ "butt"--so what?

Mike has sum more 2 tell abt Dee prepping 4 the Xmas dinner:
April,

Formerly little sis. After my little conversation with Deanna over the presents, we sent our daughter off to go play somewhere in the house, wherever her brother was hiding. One of the nice things about having a bigger house, aside from being able to entertain the family, is that the kids often disappear to places unknown. It gives my wife, the lovely Deanna, and I the opportunity to have a conversation, something which is difficult when the kids are nearby.

Deanna rarely talks about anything other than our children, so when the occasion does happen, not only is it a moment of conversational rejoicing, but it frequently ends up presaging the things which are going to happen next, almost as if my wife were some kind of soothsayer, saying unto me a sooth. As she was putting out the wine glasses for where Iris would be sitting, she said, “So…Liz is bringing Anthony!...That’s a majo(u)r step.” My initial thought was, “I don’t think my wife got the memo about calling the Lizardbreath, Elizabeth instead of Liz.” My second thought was, “Was my wife at our summer picnic back in August, when Liz invited Anthony and his half-Quebecoise child? If she were there, then she might have remembered Liz has already taken that majo(u)r step. Naturally, I didn’t want to bring that issue up; because if I did, then it might put Deanna off this conversation and back onto a conversation about the kids. So, I simply said, “Well, they have been seeing a lot of each other.” I am sure you get my little joke about “seeing a lot of each other.” My wife didn’t.

Deanna continued on with, “But this is Christmas dinner, Mike! You don’t bring someone to a family gathering like this unless that person is a ‘significant other’.(’)” I had a napkin in my hand and I closed my eyes as I started throttling it. As you know, when a Patterson starts using quotation marks in the style of someone from the States, there is a pun coming. Unfortunately, with my lovely wife, she feels the need to spell her pun out deliberately so that everyone in the province can understand it. I awaited the worst. What kind of joke was coming from “significant other”?

My wife circled the table in one direction putting down napkins as I went in the other. After a moment she started on the explanation of her pun. “The first part of the word ‘significant’ is ‘sign’,(‘) right? This is a sign!” I suddenly felt the need to stop her before she started any further on “sign” jokes. I suddenly saw flash in front of my eyes a stop sign, a yield sign, a heavenly sign, a no smoking sign. The possibilities were endless. I had to provide an answer to her sign question before she did, for the sake of my sanity. I hurriedly said, “Of what…that he’s willing to put up with her relatives?”

Lucky for me, Deanna took the bait. She said, “Are you saying that you ‘put up with’ my relatives?” I felt a certain degree of relief until I realized she had shifted subjects to her relatives, which was another topic having nothing to do with our children. Once again I had a sense of foreboding. I knew that the majour topics of our Christmas Dinner were going to be Anthony and Liz, and my wife’s relatives. As my lovely wife poked her finger deep into my stomach and the resulting pain caused me to raise my eyebrows and move my lips into a smirk of agony. I thought, “to ‘put up with' Deanna’s relatives…it’s a lot safer than putting them down!” I wasn’t sure how much of that merciless poking I could take; but at least my inner pun gave me the respite of great humour.

Love,
Michael Patterson
The puns, they buuuuuurn! Here's another memo 4 Dee: Just cuz a word starts w/another, shorter word, doesn't mean the other, shorter word gives U special insite in2 the longer word!

And speaking of memos, I got the memo abt calling Liz "Elizabeth," and I shredded it up and lined Buttsy's cage w/it.

Apes

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30 Comments:

  • At 7:49 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Ah, you wacky Pattersons and your love of false etymology. Maybe you could get Deanna a thesaurus for Christmas. No, wait. She'll think it's a dinosaur instead of a book 'cause it ends in 'saurus'.

     
  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    or she wd c sum deep meaning in "thesaurus" b-ginning w/"the."

    apes

     
  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    Hey, I worked a long time on that memo, like two hours, I will reprint it here now:

    Everyone,

    Please call me "Elizabeth" now.

    Thanks, Liz/Elizabeth


    Also, I liked this blog entry, it started out good, talking about me and Anthony, but then it got all off the point about Dee's relatives, who are almost as bad as the French, gah, do you think any of us will ever manage to marry someone who doesn't come along with a bunch of hateable relatives, or maybe we're just supposed to hate all non-Pattersons, I'm confused?

    Liz

     
  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Elizabeth:

    Here's a handy hint for knowing who to like. If someone tells you how great you and your family are, you're supposed to like them. Anyone else is a mean ol'jealous pickyface.

     
  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. I was quite excited to read your positive review of my blog entry, for as long as it lasted. On the other hand, you need to remember that we Pattersons don’t “hate” people. Instead you should remember the word “hate” is a part of the word “whatever”. When there is someone who, by virtue of age, race, sex, religion, or poor dental work might be worthy of hate; then, as a Patterson, you should throw up your hands and say, “whatever”. I find that is almost as good as writing a humourous article about the people using fake names.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i am confused by this significant othah biz w/ur sis & mr. caine. i thot significant othah iz wut u called sum1 when there wuz sum issue ‘bout whether they were a girl or a boy so u cudn’t call them bf & gf. i dunno y ur sil & anthony caine wud need 2 use the…ok. i figgered it out now. 4get i sed nethin’.

     
  • At 1:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i don't know nething abt anthony's fam. mayB u cd tell us a bit abt them and we cd figure out whether to h8, er, "whatever" them.

    apes

     
  • At 1:37 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Jeremy,

    The answer to your question is not as obvious as you might think. Originally the phrase “significant other” meant as you said, a person with whom one shared a long-term sexual relationship, as a way to indicate the committed relationship between same-sex couples who used to not be allowed to marry. Now, the term can be used alternatively with a spouse, or still with long-term sexual relationships like Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, where the couple chooses not to be married due to the social mores of Milborough.

    Milborough panders so much to the United States that it takes on some its legal aspects. I know that during my trial, I often felt that the legal proceedings were taken from someone watching a U.S. television show than from actual Canadian law, for example, the idea of “taking depositions”. Ultimately, it was a good thing for me; otherwise I might not have been acquitted, due to those legal deviations which showed I had an illegal trial.

    But for Lawrence and Nick, it is not a good thing. Although no one is stating it directly, there are those in Milborough who believe it is simply enough for the town to admit gays exist and gain a certain degree of acclaim for that, but to have those gays get married would step over some boundary. I know that, for myself, I would much prefer to attend a wedding between Lawrence and Nick than Anthony Caine and Elizabeth Patterson; because they are much better suited for each other, they are more committed to each other, are mentally stable and they dress a lot better.

    So, when Deanna Patterson refers to Anthony Caine as Elizabeth’s significant other; not only is she making a very poor play on words, but she is also suggesting that Elizabeth and Anthony are more than boyfriend and girlfriend, and are in a long-term sexual relationship. In other words, she thinks they have already gotten married and are pretending to not be married yet.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, no way. there’s no way elizabeth patterson & anthony caine r alreddy married & no1 knows. i think wut’s rilly goin’ on is deanna patterson iz just 2 st00pid 2 know wut significant other means.

     
  • At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…

    Hola, Chica. You know, my ol' man, he wanted me to get an after-school job, save some money, learn responsibility, you know the drill. But then I realized. The word "employment" has the word "ploy" in it. This was nada but a ploy by my old man to keep the Luister from having a vida loca, baby!

    Luis

     
  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Jeremy,

    Deanna Patterson plays a game of pretending to be stupid and pretending to be a servant to her husband; but underneath that insipid exteriour is a wily woman who gets everything she wants. She may be bad at puns, but I wouldn’t be surprised she’s right that Anthony and Elizabeth are already married and are significant others of each other.

    Let me tell you why I think that. I have a friend who saw Elizabeth and Anthony at a restaurant back in August, where it was obvious Anthony asked for a check to leave early so they could have sex, right after Anthony asked Elizabeth for a life-long commitment. Elizabeth Patterson is not going to do that with someone to whom she is not married. Ergo, they are married.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    You can't trust parents, Luis. Like my mom, just this morning, said, "Your father and I just want to encourage you to do your best." You might be thinking, "'Encourage' has 'courage' in it, so that can only be a good thing," but you would be missing something more important and deadly. "Rage." "Encourage" has "rage" in it, so it can't be trusted!

    Eva

     
  • At 1:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, thass just crayzee. every1 knowz that liz patterson did it w/her uni bf, the 1st 1, cuz she wuz livin’ w/him. so, no “ergo”. she wud do it b4 marriage & she haz. ‘sides wen mike & deanna patterson did that “we’re alreddy married” thing, they told every1 xxcept deanna’s ‘rents, so they wud think deanna wuz a slut. if liz patterson wuz alreddy married, every1 wud know ‘bout it alreddy.

     
  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…

    Mr. Bunt, as you might remember from April's blog entry about that date between April's sister and that guy, I witnessed the date in question. I reached the same conclusion that you did, but April told me that her sister would most likely deny both things.

     
  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Jeremy,

    OK. I will have to define terms. Elizabeth’s university boyfriend, Eric Chamberlain, was very attractive. I can see Elizabeth doing it with him. However, Elizabeth would not do it with Anthony Caine, unless she was married to him. If you think about it, you know it’s true. Anthony Caine is the type of guy a girl would only consider once she had gotten to the point where she is in her parents’ house, curled into a fetal position and crying.

    Also, just because Michael Patterson can’t keep his big yap shut about his “secret” marriage, doesn’t mean Elizabeth Patterson won’t. She doesn’t tell anybody anything, except the things no one wants to know. If she was secretly married to Anthony Caine, even Anthony Caine might not know it.

    So, Luis, I would be very surprised if Elizabeth didn't deny it. Even if she had a big, public wedding with Anthony Caine, she would probably deny it.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 2:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, u can’t keep a secret like that in mboro. the only reasn mike patterson told every1 in mboro ‘bout his 1st marriage iz cuz they wud find out neway. if elizabeth and anthony caine were alreddy married, we wud’ve heard ‘bout it. sum1 wud’ve told. they just had sex. thass all there iz 2 it. i mean it’s not like her fam is religious or haz rilly strict rulez ‘bout that kinda stuff or nethin’. elly patterson is not gonna say, “oh lizzie, u’ve been w/anthony b4 u were married, i am gonna disown u." thass not gonna happ. cuz u know every tyme i have evah heard ‘bout elizabeth sayin’ “so & so izn’t my bf. we’re just friendz” no1 b-lieves her, cuz they alreddy know she’s got a bf. this is diff.

     
  • At 2:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Jeremy,

    It’s only “diff” because it hasn’t gotten around yet. When people hear that Deanna Patterson is calling Anthony Caine, Elizabeth’s significant other, they will ignore that awful “sign” wordplay and they will know the truth of the matter. Deanna has let it slip.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 2:16 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, i wud answer u back but i gotta help april. eva abuya started in on her cuz she realized april patterson & duncan anderson both have the letters “erson” in them, which iz kinda like the word “arson” so eva thinks april iz trying 2 “burn” her ovah her relationship w/duncan & how nobody knows wut he is doin’ these dayz, especially eva who is supposed 2b his significant other (& not like they’re married).

     
  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i pted out 2 eva that she is a person, which has "erson" in it, 2, but i don't think my reasoning is doing ne gd.

    apes

     
  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Look at you. "Reasoning." That has "ason" in it, which doesn't mean nething, unless you stick in an "R" after the "A." "ARSON" again. U "erson" ppl R such pyros!

    Eva

     
  • At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Parson Jim Brown said…

    Now, ladies, I just happened across this blog by accident, as I was doing a random Google search on spiritual matters, and I noticed the exchange is getting a little, shall we say, heated? I ask that you remember the Golden Rule and resist the temptation to attack one another.

    Parson Brown

     
  • At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Parson? PARSON? Do you really think I don't see what's going on here? A little heated, as in flames?

    Eva

     
  • At 2:49 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know i think it wuz a rilly bad idea 4u2 say 2 eva it's a good thing duncan haz been d8in' her & not zandra larson.

     
  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, u r rite, jeremy. uh-oh, fire drill!

    apes

     
  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it's freezin' out here. i wish i had tyme 2 get my coat b4 we went outside. on the bright side, it's kinda nice 2 have a good reason 2 snuggle u. now if i cud just get eva 2 stop grabbin' @me & sayin' "let me @that pattarson". it's kinda ruinin' a romantic moment between friendz & thoze firemen keep starin' ovah here.

     
  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i got so frazzled that i told her she put the "boo" in "abuya." she yelled @ me that it's not spelled that way, and I sed it was an audio joke. but she didn't buy that, even tho "abuya" has "buy" in it.

    oh, gah, we hafta stop this!

    apes

     
  • At 3:41 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, @least the fire drill lasted so long skool wuz let out & i cud go back in & get my coat. eva wuz yellin’ @me i wuz selfish cuz jones haz “one” in it. i finally sed, “duncan iz in barbados cuz he’z been bad, like barbados has ‘bad’ in it.” that seemed 2 settle her down & she sed, “y didn’t u say so in the 1st place?” i sed, “sorry.” then eva sed, “thass ok u didn’t say ‘so’ cuz ‘sorry’ has ‘so’ in it.” i’m rilly glad ur drivin’ us away frum this. i like ur idea of that activity we can do which duzn't involve ne wordplay or talkin'.

     
  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m glad u didn't mind me driving us around kinda aimlessy 4 a while. it was a weird day, and i just wanted, like, scenery going by 4 a while. and our convo was v. cube. plus when we parked 4 a while and, like, practiced more #'s, that was cube 2.

    apes

     
  • At 10:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Liz!

    I was doing a little reading up on the saints and I came across one and immediately thought of you! Saint Anthony of Padua is involved in finding all lost things and by women seeking husbands! Maybe if you start praying to him he'll grant you a miracle???

     
  • At 11:04 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    The people on your blog are insane, I have been very clear that I am not "doing it" with Anthony and I never have, Mom explained it all to me, see, if a Patterson/Richards girl does s-e-x with a man, she loses the Patterson/Richards allure that makes her so attractive, and then they won't marry you, see, I did it with Eric, and then he didn't want me anymore, before that, he couldn't take his eyes off me, and that is how Mom caught Dad too, she wouldn't do it until they were married, so Dad married her even before he was ready to get married, and they did it, and then Dad has been bored with her ever since, you notice it even worked like that with Dee, because Mike is a Patterson, he is wired to love that way, must have the girl, but after the sexy stuff happens, it's all "I gotta write my novel" or "I got choo-choos to polish," and no more interest in the woman, so I have to marry Anthony before we do any sexy stuff, just to be safe, I am not letting him do more than a polite kiss goodnight, that is how I know I will still have my secondary virginity on my wedding night, which is almost as sacred as the first virginity, which I lost kind of by accident anyway, Eric said he wanted to celebrate winning his hockey game by "putting the Eskimo in the igloo," yes, he used my interest in all things Northern and Native to trick me into s-e-x, isn't that awful?, well, that's not happening to me again, every time I go on a date with Anthony, I make sure we bring Frenchy and I wear three pairs of underpants, just in case.

    Liz

     

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