April's Real Blog

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Weird checklist d8

So, Luis got a summer job bussing tables @ that new restaurant that's down the street from Mayes Midtown Motors, Romance Eaterie. He sez that he saw Liz and Anthony there, apparently out on a dinner d8 2gether. He noticed that Liz was wearing a teal evening gown w/spaghetti straps and that Anthony was wearing a dinner jacket that almost matched the colour of Liz's dress, xxcept 4 being like a shade darker, a shirt w/skinny blue vertical stripes on a white background, a grey tie and pants that matched the colour of the tie.

It seemz that Liz and Anthony ea brought a checklist. From what Luis cd gather, these seemed 2 B qualities each of them wanted in a romantic partner. While drinking their after-dinner coffee, they were staring deeply in2 ea other's eyez, and they'd take turns reading off something from the list, and the other person was supposta say "check" if this applied to him/her. Then after responding, the one who just answered wd read off of his or her own list. Luis heard Anthony going 1st, saying, "Non-smoker?" And Liz sed, "Check." Then she sed, "Social drinker only!" And Anthony sed, "Check." Luis sed he nearly fell over when he heard this, considering sum of the goss he's heard abt Liz and drinking. One of the waitresses, Mindy, passed by as Luis was almost falling, and she whispered, "Maybe b/c she wants 2 make sure she has a design8ed driver?" Luis thot that was as gd a guess as NE.

So, he heard them going on, like this:

Anthony: Likes camping and outdoor activities?

[Oh, c'mon, these R possibly the 2 most indoorsy ppl in the world!]

Liz: Check! Gets along with ppl?

[Ppl who R not Thérèse?]

Anthony: Check! Has a sense of humour? Likes 2 dance?

[Humour? MayB 4 knock-knock jokes and bad punz. Don't xxpect her 2 laff @ herself, like ever, tho!]

Liz: Check and Check! Has an even temper! Is willing 2 work thingz out!

[Work things out w/ppl who R not Thérèse?]

Anthony: Check! Is financially responsible?


Liz: Check! Keeps a tidy house, likes 2 cook?

[Cuz Liz will never do these things herself!]

Anthony: Check! Loves children?

[Yeah, that's Y she hid from Robin and Merrie when we were all in the same house!]

Liz: Absolutely! Check!

(Then Liz lost a turn, I guess.)

Anthony: Is honest and sincere?

[MayB U shd ask Paul!]

Liz: Check! Is respectful and faithful?

[Ask Thérèse!]

Anthony: Check! Is willing to make a lifelong commitment?

Liz didn't answer--she just leaned in, pulled Anthony to her by his tie, laying a big kiss on his mouth and, Luis swears up and down, projected a big "" just above their heads. And Anthony turned and raised a finger at his waiter, while yelling, "Check!" Isn't it interesting that Liz didn't actually answer his question about willingness 2 make a lifelong commitment? Way 2 use evasion, eh?

NEway, Luis sez he's seen lots of d8's @ that restaurant, but this is the weirdest one he's seen. Dunc, if this weird d8 sumhow came abt cuz of Charles Wallace and his "Incompetent and Manipulative" SIMS, that wd xxplain a lot.


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  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You can blame the checklist on Elizabeth’s friend Candace Halloran. Liz asked her how she could know Anthony was really compatible with her, and she said she and her boyfriend each made a list, back when they were in university. It sounds like the kind of idiot thing Candace would do. But then Liz got Anthony to agree they would both make up lists, and then go out into a public restaurant and read them to each other.

    When I first heard about it, i.e. got a call from Anthony Caine panic-stricken asking what things to put on his checklist, I was horrified. After all, if there was anything on Anthony’s checklist to which Elizabeth would not say “Check”, then it would destroy their relationship, which all of us have been working so hard to get going. Not only that, but they would break down in a public restaurant where everyone could see their thought balloons. There was a strong potential there for utter humiliation.

    I told Anthony to make sure his list did not include “Social Drinker only” or “Likes to cook” on his list for Liz. I also specifically him to say, “Loves children” instead of “Wants to bear a lot of babies,” which was his first choice. Also we left off, “Wants to stay at home and take care of all the babies” and we left off the whole list of deviant sex acts she should be willing to do, and “believes the man is always right.”

    I also told him specifically not to ask, “Wants to get married?” “Is willing to make a lifelong commitment?” was a much better choice, because it doesn’t say a commitment to what, and it says “willing” instead of “will”. It did skirt perilously close to an actual request for marriage, but it was far enough removed from that so that if Liz suddenly felt the urge to change her job and move away, Anthony could explain he was actually talking about a lifelong commitment to her family.

    I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard it went well. We really dodged a bullet with that one, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Your sister certainly has a strange list when it comes to picking a man. If I were to make a list, it would really only have two questions (1) Do you have a trust fund and (2) Are you unmarried? Anything above that is cake. Of course there is plenty of cake with my fiancé Bronson van Daam.

    All those questions your sister and her boyfriend were asking were a little on the silly side, because really, who is going to say “No” to any of them? Only a nincompoop. Was that what they were really checking? Which one of them is going to be foolishly honest?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 12:37 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    Thanks so much (again) for your help.

    But in your explanation to April you left out just how much work I had to put into this. Revising my checklist to simplify the vocabulary and make the questions more Liz-friendly was only one small part.

    First off, I had to make up very nice power point set of slides about all the reasons Liz and I belong together. With a woman like this, it's not enough to do just a pie chart and bar graphs. You have to do a pie chart and bar graphs with her name on it, otherwise she thinks it doesn't apply to us and that the made-up statistics were meant for someone else. It's that kind of preparation and attention to detail that gets one to the top of the local astronomy club and into the hearts of prospective fathers-in-law.

    Then I had to explain to Liz that I wanted to meet at a romantic restaurant and go over checklists for our ideal mate. "Our ideal mate? Who else is going to be in this marriage, Anthony," she asked, rather coldly. Sometimes explaining things to Liz is like calling in artillery fire, you have to see where a few spotting rounds land before you can Fire For Effect. When I mentioned it was the same thing Candace and her boyfriend did, she finally figured it out. I told her this would be the sort of spontaneous romantic moment that we'd laugh about in years to come and this kind of spontaneous cuteness demands a lot of planning.

    Of course, things didn't quite go as planned at the restaurant. As soon as we sat at the table and I got the sliverware out of the way, I explained to our waiter (Marco) that we needed a screen. Marco was very confused, tried to get us to order drinks and appetizers, not realizing that we had an important list of details to hammer out. "Screen! A screen, you dolt," I finally shouted, and five minutes later he and the busboys drag in this sort of cubicle divider with an upside poster of a cat on it saying "Hang in there!"

    So much for my powerpoint presentation. Liz forgot her glasses so she couldn't read my laptop screen.

    Marco kept bugging us about food and I told him to just bring coffee.

    "Just coffee, zur?" he said, getting kind of snotty. He didn't drop the attitude until I told him I worked for Gordon Mayes, then he hurried off and came back with these ridiculous gold rimmed cups on china saucers. I mean, WTF? Doesn't the guy know that when a couple gets together to discuss important, life-altering decisions they always do it over big mugs of steaming coffee, not ridiculous little teacups that always remain behind glass in well-vacuumed homes, as pristine as the guest towels? I told him to get us some proper mugs at once, and that he could forget about a tip.

    The mugs finally showed up. Liz liked the coffee, especially after she gave it a bump from her spare flask, but mine was bitter, watery, and smelled kind of like a urinal in asparagus season. How such a fancy restaurant can get away with serving coffee like that I'll never know. And there was a hair in it. I've got half a mind to call the health department. No presentation screens and rancid coffee that tasted like someone had already drunk it once.

    Luckily I'd made a hardcopy of my checklist and we were able to go through our lists. We had fun going through our lists, but Liz kept knocking over the rose-vase every couple of questions and I'd have to discretely set it back up to keep from dealing with the horrid Marco. Every now and then she'd grab at the table, telling me the room was spinning. I was kind of tickled, it's nice to know that I can still make a girl's head swim. Though I do wish she'd do something about her posture. She kept using the table to hold herself up and gaze, or rather leer, adoringly into my eyes. Though sometimes she does call me "Eric" or "Paul" at really embarrassing moments.

    Oh, Mike, that whole "licking the alphabet" thing was a bust. I didn't make it past "D" (and I wonder how you can, heh heh heh), it was just too gross. I think you're the victim of a pretty nasty prank by your friends Weed and Carleen.



  • At 2:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, so u r just starting 2 notice it's difficult 2 get thru 2 liz? lolol!

    honoria, i kinda xxpected that's what yr list wd b.


  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous charles wallace larson said…

    Ha, ha!

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Nelson Muntz said…

    Hey, he stole my line!


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