OMG, Anthony IS just like Dad!
. . . . And I don't mean that as a compliment!
Like I sed, Liz an' I talked on the fone a bit last nite. She sed she was finally dun w/her reminiscences w/Anthony abt the wedding, and she got back 2 talking abt her "polite playdate" in the park w/Anthony and Francie.
Sounding much older than almost-2.5, once again, Francie came running over 2 the bench where Liz and Anthony were sitting. Francie was all, "Daddy, Daddy! Can I have an ice cream?" Anthony went, "Not now. We haven't had lunch yet. How abt after lunch?" And Francie was like, "I want sum NOW! Please, Daddy? Please, please, please, please, PLEEASE?" Liz sed she leaned 4ward, put a hand on Francie's shoulder, and asked, "Y don't we have lunch and save space 4 a giant fudge and caramel sundae?" Francie went, "OK!" Then Liz turned 2 Anthony and sed, "I shdn't usurp yr parenting!" Meanwhile, Francie had grabbed Liz by the hand and was pulling on her while asking, "What does 'usurp' mean?!" Then Anthony grabbed Francie's other hand, the 3 of them started 2 walk, went in2 silhouette, and Anthony gave what musta been the most John Pattersonesque answer he cd think of: "It's the sound 3 ppl make when they're eating a giant fudge and caramel sundae!"
Liz was like, "April! Isn't it gr8 how much Anthony is like Dad?" And I sed "No, it's kinda creepy, and besides, I think it really suxx 2 tell a little kid sumthing wrong like that cuz U think it makes a cute joke. Dad useta do that all the time w/us, but I remember whenev I found out he'd dun that, I'd feel really betrayed. And now poor little Françoise thinks that mess is what 'usurp' really means." Liz called me a stupid picky face and hung up on me.
Apes
Like I sed, Liz an' I talked on the fone a bit last nite. She sed she was finally dun w/her reminiscences w/Anthony abt the wedding, and she got back 2 talking abt her "polite playdate" in the park w/Anthony and Francie.
Sounding much older than almost-2.5, once again, Francie came running over 2 the bench where Liz and Anthony were sitting. Francie was all, "Daddy, Daddy! Can I have an ice cream?" Anthony went, "Not now. We haven't had lunch yet. How abt after lunch?" And Francie was like, "I want sum NOW! Please, Daddy? Please, please, please, please, PLEEASE?" Liz sed she leaned 4ward, put a hand on Francie's shoulder, and asked, "Y don't we have lunch and save space 4 a giant fudge and caramel sundae?" Francie went, "OK!" Then Liz turned 2 Anthony and sed, "I shdn't usurp yr parenting!" Meanwhile, Francie had grabbed Liz by the hand and was pulling on her while asking, "What does 'usurp' mean?!" Then Anthony grabbed Francie's other hand, the 3 of them started 2 walk, went in2 silhouette, and Anthony gave what musta been the most John Pattersonesque answer he cd think of: "It's the sound 3 ppl make when they're eating a giant fudge and caramel sundae!"
Liz was like, "April! Isn't it gr8 how much Anthony is like Dad?" And I sed "No, it's kinda creepy, and besides, I think it really suxx 2 tell a little kid sumthing wrong like that cuz U think it makes a cute joke. Dad useta do that all the time w/us, but I remember whenev I found out he'd dun that, I'd feel really betrayed. And now poor little Françoise thinks that mess is what 'usurp' really means." Liz called me a stupid picky face and hung up on me.
Apes
Labels: Anthony, insta-family, Liz, stoopidity, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:29 AM
14 Comments:
At 9:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Don’t be too hard on Anthony. He is trying to court our Lizardbreath sister, and I think you know many men have tried to do that and failed. I have encouraged him to make puns and tell bad jokes around her as often as he possibly can; because she does want a man just like pop and I think you can remember what happened to her other boyfriends who lacked the punning skills required to woo her. I told Anthony, “It doesn’t matter how honest, steady, and hard-working you are. If you can’t produce a bad pun at a moment’s notice, Elizabeth will start thinking about moving away.” You can tell from her response, it seems to have worked and she judged Anthony favorably.
However, I do completely understand the difficulty in understand words, whose definitions pop mangled for the sake of a joke over the years. I remember being quite surprised to learn that “weasel” did not mean “The opposite of ‘we buy’”. Or that the difference between “effect” and “affect” is when you did “effect” something it made you go “Eeeee!” and when you did “affect” something it made you go “Ah!” Or that the definition of “prophylactic” was “something professionals fill with ticks”. Or that when Grandma Marian had “cancer”, it meant she “can’t serve” us dinner anymore.
I especially remember that “honeymoon” meant “you pull down your pants and pour honey on your butt.” I remember that one in particular, because my lovely Deanna had to tell me that definition was wrong. As it turns out “honeymoon” means “a special surprise package which causes you to take a steady, well-paying job where you don’t travel.”
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i found out who the person iz b-hind the van daam curse, that kills the 1st born son of the van daam family wen they turn 16. i wuz worried ‘bout it cuz my gf, honoria iz the escort for her ex-bf bronson van daam in the dutch tulip festival. he'z 16 & 1st born & i figger she mite get killed 2, like in the crossfire.
i told u i wuz gonna try 2 figger it out yesterday. i wuz havin’ a rilly hard tyme askin’ questionz of peeps like bronson van daam’s brothers or sisters or mother or evn his dog trainer or his toenail trimmer. they all sed, “thanx 4 fixin’ the sound system in the park, but ur not mportant enuff 2 talk 2.”
so i got ur bro gerald 2 help, cuz i figgered mebbe he wud b mportant enuff 2 talk 2, but he wuzn’t. & then i cudn’t get rid of him. he wuz followin’ me ‘round & sayin’ “hoo!” all the tyme. i sed 2 him, “if u don’t stop sayin’ ‘hoo!’, i am gonna punch u out.” 4tun8ly, he stopped, cuz i rilly didn’t wanna hafta punch him. every 1ce in awhile he wud say, “jeremy, jeremy. can i say ‘hoo!’” & i wud say, “not now. mebbe aftah we figger out this van daam curse.” then he wud say, “i wanna say, ‘hoo!’ NOW” so i wud hafta let him say 1 “hoo!”, just 2 get him 2 shut up.
neway, i went 2 the library & asked if they hadda book on the van daam curse & sure enuff there wuz 1. nside, it talked all ‘bout how this 1st nations guy benjamin barker had his wife stole frum him by judge turpon van daam a long tyme ago evn tho the judge wuz alreddy married & how he cursed the van daam’s wen he wuz put in prison by the judge. ever since then, the van daam 1st born kids have been dyin’. the thing wuz, i saw pix of benjamin barker & i recognized him. i showed them 2 gerald & sed, “see. this is the guy who is the groundskeeper of the park where the tulip festival is held. kleeves. i bet he’z the 1 who has been killing the van daams all the tyme, & not sum ghost of benjamin barker, like peeps think.” gerald sed he didn’t think they looked alike. i sed, “just imagine this pic in the book, except w/a turnip nose.” then gerald saw it.
so we went 2 the park & found kleeves. i told him he wuz rilly benjamin barker & he just laffed & sed, “so wut if i am? i may have evn killed all the van daams, but they deserved it. u’ve seen them jeremy. rite now, ur gf is b-ing stolen by 1. don’t u wanna kill him?” i sed, “no. i wud b happ, just 2 punch him out.” kleeves sed, “sorry, jeremy. i think the trap i have set iz gonna kill him.” i sed, “but that trap mite kill honoria 2.” kleeves sed, “she’s w/a van daam, now. she is beyond redemption.” i don’t think so.
i sed 2 gerald, “we gotta get this guy 2 tell us wut his trap is so we can stop it.” gerald sed sumthin’ ‘bout ice cream. i sed, “no ice cream till we get kleeves 2 tell us wut his trap is.” then gerald sed, “i wunt some ice cream, NOW. please, jeremy? please, please, please, please, pleease?” i sed, “y don’t we get kleeves 2 tell us the answer & save space 4 a giant fudge and caramel sundae aftahwards?” so gerald agreed.
‘course kleeves wudn’t talk. i sed, “yru stallin’? u know ur eventually gonna tell us.” kleeves sed, “if i stall long enuff, peeps will get bored & realize how st00pid this story is.” then i told gerald, “ok. it’s tyme 2 torture him. tell kleeves stories ‘bout the patterson fam that u know. tell him about april’s zits or her chicken wrap. tell him ‘bout how elly patterson recycles & shave sheets & vaccums all the tyme.” gerald sed, “that’s 2 horrible. no1 deserves 2b tortured like that. how ‘bout if i tell him stories ‘bout myself?” i sed, “we don’t have that kinda tyme.” gerald sed, “well, ok. but i still think havin’ 2 listen 2 the patterson stories iz cruel.” so he’s started, but so far kleeves hasn’t told us where his trap iz.
i called honoria on her cell & told her there wuz a trap set 4 bronson & she shud stop b-ing his escort. 'course she sed, "jeremy. jeremy. jeremy. u needta stop b-ing jealous & makin' up these stories. i know b-ing w/bronson is dangerous, but a girl hasta have sum adventure in her life b4 she settles down & has kids." there wuz no talkin' 2 her. we r just gonna hafta get kleeves 2 tell us. gerald just finished the story 'bout how u spent march break alone last year & he missed an ez opportunity 2 have his way w/u. i think he'z startin' 2 get 2 kleeves cuz he haz started whimperin'. i'll let u know wut happs.
At 12:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. When a child asks you for ice cream, and whines about it when you say, “No,” the proper procedure is to offer a cotton ball with ice cream flavour on it. When I was young, Mater did that for me all the time, and I never missed ice cream. In fact, the first time I actually tasted ice cream (at some childhood friend’s birthday party), my body had such an extreme reaction to it, I was hospitalized for a few days. After that, Mater and Pater made sure I had someone with me at all birthday parties to keep my diet safe. Your story about your sister and Mr. Caine does not tell what happened after the lunch and the giant fudge and caramel sundae, but I am sure this is because the words “stomach pump” and “toddler” are not pleasant words to put together in a story.
I have been having a glorious day doing my escort duties with my ex-boyfriend Bronson van Daam at the Dutch Tulip festival. Except for one strange phone call, my Jeremy flower has stayed away from me all day and he seems to have taken brother Gerald with him. Mater is a little concerned by this, but I told Mater that Jeremy and Gerald were together torturing a servant, and she seemed to be quite satisfied by this news. Mater is still a little miffed that Bronson’s mother and the sister of her old, dead lover Ronson van Daam still refers to her as a murderess, since she was dating Ronson when he was crushed by an overturning tulip truck when he was 16. It definitely puts a pall on conversation when she introduces Mater to other people as, “the murderess Mrs. Delaney-Forsythe.” I am also not particularly happy to be known as “the daughter of the murderess.” However, I have grown to accept that Mrs. van Daam is an idiot, even if she is the person who brought such a glorious creature as Bronson, into this world. I try not to bear her any resentment for getting me kicked out of the Cashwell Day School last year, in order to keep me away from Bronson, even if she is a nutcase.
Oh well, I have more escort duties to perform. Try not to be too jealous of me, dearest future sister.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 12:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your sister's fellow bridesmaids Alyssa and Jen called to ask me today if I needed any input from them about what happened with your sister and Anthony Caine at the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding. I told them I didn't, because I think your sister is finally done talking about that subject. They said something to the effect of, "Thank God that's all over." I find I am in complete agreement with them.
Becky called from Barbados and seemed to be fairly excited about the way the Goats Together telethon at the place called Redd Hott Bajan Mamas is shaping up. I am sure either she or your friend Duncan Anderson will tell you more details about it. I really couldn’t tell you what she said because the sounds of bleating goats covered most of it up.
Howard Bunt
At 1:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Mom seemed concerned when she heard about this latest part of the story, she said, "Good job on showing Anthony that you know parenting is primarily the woman's job, and that her opinion should always override that of the man in that arena, but surely you know that your way of handling the child was totally wrong," and I said, "How so?" and Mom said, "You don't instantly offer to a child to do what you want," and I said, "I know. That is just my strategy to make Frenchy like me until I get Anthony to marry me. After that, I will do the proper kind of Patterson parenting," and Mom said, "Just to be clear, tell me how a proper Patterson would have handled that situation?" and I said, "That's easy, a proper Patterson mother would have had a protracted argument with the child over whether ice cream could be had now, with Mom saying 'no!' and the child saying 'yes!' over and over, for about fifteen minutes, until the Mom admits defeat and the kids wind up eating a whole gallon of ice cream with their hands while sitting on the floor in their diapers, making a giant puddle of melted ice cream, while the Mom sits off to the side looking defeated and saying something to the effect that there was nothing she could do and the life of a mother is one of endless toil, except preferably using a pun," and Mom had tears in her eyes, and hugged me and said, "My little girl is all grown up and ready to be married!", and I said, "Yes, so I have to bribe Frenchy to get in good with her so Anthony will propose," and Mom wrinkled up her nose and said, "Once you're married, that child's name has GOT to be changed," and I said, "I know, I have a new name already picked out, it's Jenny," and Mom said, "Good, that's nice and generic," and I said, "Well, I wouldn't waste my best names on a stepchild," and Mom agreed, then we went out for a mother-daughter tea at the Mayes Midtown Motors's new tea room.
Liz
At 1:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. Hey! You know that because I bought the Sharon Park house, I am the one who gets to tell the old stories about the way life was with mom when we were little, not you! That story about having an argument over the ice cream with mom, where we get eat the whole gallon of ice cream is my story to tell. Mine! You think just because you are finally dating Anthony and could possibly be getting married soon, you get to tell these stories? No! My job. Mine. Mine. Mine.
Deanna just pointed out to me you were talking about proper kind of Patterson parenting, and not an actual event in the past. Never mind.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it’s been hours & kleeves hasn’t broken yet aftah 2 hours of hearin’ stories ‘bout ur fam. he haz sed that it is possible ur fam is more deservin’ of death than the van daam fam. i am gettin’ rilly worried ‘bout honoria fallin’ n2 his trap 4 bronson van daam. i think i am gonna hafta b rilly ruff w/him. i just told gerald he can say, “hoo!” as much as he wunts. he duzn’t hafta w8 nemore.
At 2:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, in case u r reading this, i just wanna make sure u know that i DON'T wanna marry a guy who's just like dad. so please don't start making lame puns or playing with model trains. ktnx.
jeremy, i think 4 a mo there u got confused an' 4got u were writing 2 me @ my blog insteada 2 honoria @ sum "honoria's real blog," cuz u wrote "ur bro gerald." i know u know that ger is MY bf and HONORIA's bro. MY bro is that knucklehead michael.
oh, and i think it's cube that u were able 2 fig out this guy's identity from the pic in the book. hope ger's "hoo" soundz push the guy in2 confessing abt his trap!
liz, u and mom bonding over "proper patterson parenting"? scary.
apes
At 4:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I have the best news! I think this probably the best day of my life. I am engaged to be married to Bronson van Daam. I get to go back to Cashwell Day School in September. My Mater and Bronson’s Mater are now the best of friends. My brother Gerald has finally gotten tired of saying, “Hoo!” It has been a perfect day!
I don’t know where to begin. At first the afternoon did not start so well. I was escorting Bronson in the Dutch Tulip festival parade. After our car got to the grandstand, where we were to sit for the rest of parade to pass by and to officiate the beginning of the festival, Jeremy Jones came screaming up at us to tell us not to take our seats. It was obvious his unnecessary jealousy of Bronson had finally caused his brain to crack. He hurtled himself across the parade grounds and was running straight to Bronson. Fortunately Bronson’s new body guards were ready for an attack, and they grabbed Jeremy to try and stop him. But Jeremy was too slippery for them and he grabbed me and Bronson by the arm to pull us off the grandstand. Can you imagine, dearest future sister? What a scene he made. It was quite embarrassing, and I am afraid whatever good will Jeremy got from fixing the sound system in the park a few days ago went away right then and there.
I have to stop now and explain a little something about the parade setup for the rest of my story to make sense. What was planned was that after Bronson and I took out seats, a little bucket of tulips was supposed to spray out over us as a sign to start the festival. Obviously Jeremy wanted that honour for himself, because he actually got onto the grandstand and physically threw me and Bronson off. Jeremy must have rigged the grandstand to get more glory for himself, because then this enormous pile of tulips fell onto the grandstand crushing the whole structure to the ground and burying Jeremy in it. I believe the policemen working the situation said it must have been close to 20,000 kilograms of tulips on the grandstand. It ended up being a little bit of overkill, which is a little pun because they said there was no way Jeremy would have survived it.
This is what happens when you let jealousy get out of hand. Dearest future sister, all those bad things I had heard about Jeremy back in Milborough suddenly made a lot more sense. He had turned completely bad, I am afraid. Later on, I think the police called Jeremy’s mother to tell her he was dead and she said something about how she figured one of Jeremy’s girlfriends would kill him one day, only she thought it would be you. It was quite an odd thing to say, but I suppose she was stricken with grief or something.
After all those flowers fell on Jeremy, my brother and your boyfriend, Gerald, came up dragging the groundskeeper of the park where the telethon is. He told the police that he is actually Benjamin Barker, the man who put the curse on the van Daams, and he is responsible for killing all the 1st born van Daams who turned 16 over all the years. Gerald pulled off his fake rubber, turnip nose and everyone gasped to see the neat, little, petite nose underneath. The killer said, “The van Daams deserved it for stealing my Lucy from me, and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for that darn kid who dogged me nearly to death saying, ‘Hoo!’”. My brother Gerald is a hero! I could not have been more proud. Plus he said that he said the word, “Hoo!” so many times to get Benjamin Barker to confess, he no longer wants to say it. That was an added bonus.
The police took Benjamin Barker away. You should have seen the look on Bronson’s Mater’s face, when she realized she had been unjustly calling my Mater a murderess all these years. Bronson’s Mater actually said the words, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” This was something no one in the van Daam family had said in public in over 100 years, which I think is some kind of record. Gerald tells me even your parents haven’t gone that long, although they are up to 28 years. Then my Bronson did something completely wonderful and unexpected. He dropped to his knees and proposed to me right then and there. Of course, I said, “Yes.” It was the dream of a lifetime. I had the approval of Bronson’s Mater, because Gerald had saved the day. And I especially had the approval of my Mater, who was so glad I get to marry my Bronson, just she wanted to marry his dead, uncle Ronson so many years ago. It was so wonderfully perfect. Bronson on his knees before me, his hand in mine, and tulips floating in the air all around us. I don’t think I have ever experienced a more romantic moment.
We have the whole rest of the Dutch Tulip festival to enjoy the weekend, Bronson and me, fiancé and fiancée. I can’t imagine a day better than today though, when all my dreams came true. This is love and I am loving it. I am so happy, April. I only hope that when brother Gerald proposes to you, it will be at least ½ as wonderful and romantic as it was for me and Bronson, and just the way you want it with no puns.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 6:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, omg, omg! is jeremy really dead? honoria, it soundz like he totally saved yr life and sumhow u r blaming him 4 rigging the tulips when that benjamin barker guy confessed it was him! omg!
apes
At 7:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I am so grateful I am going to someday be your sister-in-law, because you have such compassion for people, who have been so mean to you. Everyone at R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School knows Jeremy tried to kill you a long time ago on his bicycle. I don’t think I would be so concerned about someone who tried to kill me. When I told Bronson about your history with Jeremy and how you still cared about him, he was deeply touched and wanted to know if I had any pictures of you. Of course, I did.
As for Jeremy Jones, I think he is dead. The workers who are removing all those flowers, Jeremy used to destroy the grandstand through his misguided grandstanding, said they thought it would take a long time to get them all out of the way, and he was most likely crushed under the weight. Jeremy clearly overestimated how many flowers it takes to do a tulip showering, and his vanity killed him. If he had been a little less vain and tried to share the glory with Bronson and me, then we could have ended up the same way. That’s not really what I would call, saving my life. Brother Gerald says he is thinking about nominating Jeremy for a Darwin Award. I don’t think he deserved any awards at all.
As for Benjamin Barker, he got a lawyer and now claims that his confession before was made under duress due to Jeremy bullying him, and that Jeremy was actually the one responsible. After all, that was a lot more flowers than an old man like Benjamin Barker can handle, eh? He’s very old.
There is also plenty of evidence Jeremy was a bully as you know. When you and your special needs friends were bullied in the cafeteria, you may have noticed Jeremy was the only one of those bullies who did not apologize to your friend Shannon Lake after she made her speech on the table. Benjamin Barker might be lying, but if you had seen Jeremy’s face, when he was jealous around my Bronson, you would have seen a very angry and demented face. After all, I may be engaged to Bronson right now, but back then I was a completely innocent escort, simply doing my escort duties, and gave Jeremy no cause whatsoever for jealousy. But he was jealous, anyway. It was probably the bully in him
When I remember I actually thought about marrying Jeremy some day, it makes me shudder. Sometimes, I think we girls compromise ourselves trying to find a good husband with a trust fund. Just look at your sister and Mr. Caine, who doesn’t even have a trust fund to my knowledge. Fortunately for you, you have my brother Gerald, who is quite a nice-looking young man, with a trust fund too. He and Bronson are getting along so well, almost as well as you and I. We are going to have such fun together in our married years.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 7:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, honoria, if u discover that jeremy really did save yr life, rn't u gonna feel bad abt all the mean things u r saying abt him rite now?
apes
At 8:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Perhaps I will feel bad. Perhaps. One of the joys of being engaged though, is you get to speak poorly of your ex-boyfriends and nobody questions it, as you will find out when you are engaged to Gerald.
Of course most of the things I am saying are the same things that are on this interesting program Bronson and I are watching on CBC. It’s called Jeremy Jones: A Life of Villainy. The sponsor is the Johnston Institute for Better Living, who have this neat tag phrase, “For 28 years, showing you people you are better than”.
It starts off with a lot of pictures of you and Jeremy when you were younger. Did you really dress like that, April? Jeremy should really have had pity on you, with those outfits, instead of trying to kill you.
From the program it looks like Jeremy had been turning around his evil in high school, when he agreed to do sound and lights for your friend, Becky McGuire. Then it mentions a Gymnasium Jam at R.P. Boire last year, where Jeremy betrayed Becky by not showing up and humiliated her in front of the entire student body. That is pretty evil.
After that, it points out the things I already know from my time at R.P. Boire, where Jeremy developed the tendency to insult special needs kids with no remorse. Then they they are showing clips from the Dutch Tulip festival parade coverage today at the grandstand. There is a good shot of Bronson. He is so handsome. I wish the pictures of me were better. I look so fat.
Oooh! They even have a quote from your mom! She’s just as nice as you are. She says, “Jeremy Jones was known to be evil; but everyone deserves second chances. If I still owned my landmark business Lilliputs’, I would find Jeremy a place to work. Even if he threatened to kill someone in my family again, I would keep him on.”
If they have TV up in Winnipeg, you should turn this on.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 9:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, i can't believe they put 2gether that documentary so fast. u so did not look fat, honoria. my mom's nose did, tho. what a weird documentary. i wonder what its purpose was. man, am i sleeeeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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