April's Real Blog

Monday, August 06, 2007

Being Careful

Well, I accidentally ended up staying @ a hotel w/the Forsythe fam last nite, and early this morning, I got a call from Mom on my cell reminding me that my flight 2 Winni is this afternoon, so I'd better get back rite away 2 finish packing and getting ready. I got the earliest bus I cd, and it dropped me off by the park, which I had 2 cross thru on my way back 2 the TTH.

On my way thru the park, and I noticed that Liz was with Anthony and Françoise in the playground, which I hadta cross thru on my way home. I didn't wanna listen in, but I ended up catching part of their convo NEway.

Liz and Anthony were standing by the benches, and Françoise was all, "Daddy? Can I play on the swings?" And Anthony was all, "Sure! We'll B rite here." Which kinda surprised me, cuz Francie is abt a month shy of two and a half, and w/kids that age, most parents don't let them run off and do the swings by themselves. Usually 2.5-yr-olds use those special swings where they're strapped in, like a big plastic car seat. But the Mboro Park playground doesnt seem 2 have that kind.

Well, as Francie was off 2 the swings, Liz was all, "Françoise is such a beauty, Anthony." Anthony sed, "I think so. ...She has the best of Thérèse and me." Then he paused and sed, "Thanks 4 coming 2 the park w/us this morning." Liz went, "Thanx 4 asking me." And Anthony was like, "We're being very polite 2 1 another, Rn't we!" Liz was all, "I think... after C'ing ea other @ the wedding.... ....We're being careful."

That was all I heard on my way passing thru the playgd.


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  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    You wrote about your sister speaking with ellipses. She doesn’t use as many as I do, but I noticed. I also noticed she has a hard time talking to her boyfriend. I sometimes have a hard time talking to people, too. Is your sister special needs?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It has been a delightful morning. I am tired, since we stayed up pretty late talking and sharing secrets. When we had breakfast this morning before you caught your bus, I hope you did not take umbrage with Mater as she scowled at you for eating all that food. Personally, I was more disappointed in brother Gerald who insisted on licking your plate after eating his breakfast celery plate. I was sorry you had to leave this morning to go to Winnipeg. I was so looking forward to having some more girl time with my future sister.

    After we dropped you off at the bus station, we went to the park where the Dutch tulip festival is to take place. Gerald seemed to have fun on the swings. Brother Gerald is quite a handsome man. He definitely has the best of Mater and Pater for appearance. Unfortunately he also seems to have the worst of Mater and Pater when it comes to accidents. I never knew you could actually swing a swing over the top like that and tangle yourself, until I saw Gerald do it.

    My Jeremy flower immediately went to work on the sound system for the Dutch tulip festival. He got to meet with Kleeves, the groundskeeper for the Ronson van Daam Memorial Park. He seemed to be quite surprised the electrical system was originally installed in 1880. Kleeves said, “Yes. Jonson van Daam wanted the very best for this park, and paid a small fortune to have it. It was the best electrical system in the land for almost 30 years.” Jeremy said, “So the system has stunk since 1910?” Kleeves said, “Yes, sir. That would be a crude, but accurate, description, sir.”

    I said to him, “You are going to be able to fix it, aren’t you Jeremy?” He said, “Do you want the polite answer or the real answer?” I said, “Polite.” He said, “Thanks for coming to the park with me this morning.” I said, “Jeremy. That’s not polite, that’s just stupid. Give me the real answer.” Jeremy said, “If the system is this old, then I may need to have to replace the whole thing in order to get it to work. This job is going to suck, particularly since you have me doing it for free. What were you thinking to volunteer me for this? This is idiotic.” I said, “Maybe I like the polite version a little better.”

    I do hope Jeremy can do it. My whole plan to get revenge on my being dismissed from Cashwell Day School depends on Jeremy doing what no one else has been able to do at the Dutch Tulip festival for years.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 10:24 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, freakin’ 1880s wirin’. it’s a whole freakin’ patchwork of fixes. don’t these peeps follow ne kinda electrical codes? the thingz i do 4 girls. i guess it cud be worse. i cud b goin’ out w/ur whacko sis, who can’t decide if she’s all hot 4 a guy or if all she wunts 2 do is stand in a park w/him & say “thank u” a lot.

  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It was with great fear and trepidation I read your account of Anthony and Elizabeth’s date in the park. They are meant for each other, being childhood sweethearts, but each of them is notorious for destroying relationships, particularly Elizabeth. I keep thinking they are going to mess it up again.

    I am afraid Elizabeth will do something like, be so tenuous around Anthony’s little half-Quebecoise child, she will hold her hands behind her back and stand several feet away from the child so she doesn’t have to touch her. Children sense fear and we all know from the Lizardbreath’s teaching history, she has no idea how to relate to children who are well-behaved. Eventually, the young girl may start asking questions like, “Why are you afraid to touch me?” Or “Why do you keep standing away from me?” Or “Why is your breath so lizardly?” I can only hope that Anthony will realize that being married to a woman who is afraid to touch his child can be a good thing. As a half-Quebecoise child, she will be shunned by others, so it is good she learns that early.

    As for Anthony, I have tried to tell him time and time again, never to mention the ex-wife in front of Elizabeth. I told him if he slips and mentions her by name, he should immediately apologize, or at least change the subject quickly to something that favours Elizabeth like praising her or thanking her for something. I was glad to see from your account that is what he did.

    I can’t tell from your account, but I fear Elizabeth may have dressed like a slut, wearing clothes revealing most of her pasty, white skin. Anthony seemed to have gone to his mode of stating the obvious, when he said, “We’re being very polite to one another, aren’t we!” He does that when he sees too much female flesh. It causes his brain to shut down so that the only thing it can process is a regurgitation of what he sees and hears. I tried practicing with him using pictures of Liz in her school marm outfit and in her bikini; but he stopped speaking coherently every time I pulled out the bikini picture. Liz dressed like a slut, didn’t she?

    I know these two will eventually get married and fully embrace the Patterson marital lifestyle, but sometimes I think they should take social skills lessons from your little special needs friend. Does she give lessons? Maybe you can call her up. She can’t do worse than I did with Anthony.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:28 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky surprised me this morning with breakfast in bed. It was Goat Cheese bake and goat’s milk. She said to me, “Howie. Can you show me how to make goat yogurt? I think it has the best of goat milk and goat cheese. I was thinking about adding Barbados to my summer tour. Do you think a benefit to raise money for the goat farms there would be successful? We can call it Goats Together.” I said, “Maybe you should ask your dad, your manager?” Becky said, “Fafa Thorvald already said no. Sometimes I wish I could switch dads with April Patterson. It would be a lot better if my manager was a nitwit who would do whatever I told him to do.”

    I fear it may take awhile for Becky to recover from that Barbados video game Gems you gave her, which was no doubt produced or sponsored by the Bajan goat farm industry.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm bummed cuz i thot i was gonna c joan jett last nite, and it turns out there's gonna b a whole buncha set-up stuff going on insteada just having the fest. and insteada listening 2 cube songz like "bad reputation" and "do u wanna touch me," i hadta hang w/ger's fam, w/mrs. f shooting me dirty loox everytime i 8 sum food w/calories in it. then every other min, it seemed, ger was shouting "hoo" abt sumthing, and honoria was telling him it was unseemly. then she'd caress jeremy's back an' call him "jeremy flower" an' ask him 2 b a dear an' do sumthing or other 4 her.

    shannon, u r alwayz asking me if liz is special needs. back 2 the same answer as b4. she hasn't been tested 4 that, she refuses 2 b, and she insists that she's not. that's the best i can do. pls stop asking me.

    howard, i was wondering y i felt warm feelings abt bajan goat farms when i'd been playing gems 4 a long time. i've thrown it away, it soundz dangerous.


  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    It's not your fault I got so tongue-tied.

    It's April's.

    I've been reading this blog and I now know that the way to deepen a relationship with a Patterson female is to constantly thank her for every little thing and talk about how great your life is due to their dropping in now and then.

    Now I'm worried that she'll do some thoughtful little gesture, like waving hello, and I'll forget to thank her for it and we'll become enemies. It's got me very tense.

    For example, I thanked Elizabeth for getting in the car even though there were some straw wrappers in the cupholder and a box of wipes laying on the back seat. I thanked her for not smashing my daughter's fingers in the car door when it took her an extra minute to climb out of the car and she began to tap her foot impatiently as she held the door. Just before we saw April I thanked her for coming to a park when she's already around children so much she says the sight of their ugly little mugs makes her want to vomit. After April was gone I thanked her for attending to F's cuts and scrapes when she went flying backwards off the swings because she lost her grip while we were thirty feet away.

    I appreciate all your help, Mike. You're a great corner-man who really understands women.


  • At 2:47 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    You are quite right the younger generation of Pattersons is pretty demanding. I remember hearing Gordon Mayes on our fishing trip last weekend talk about how he was used to having his Patterson Praise-Ometer set to 10 when he talked with my dad, and how he has had to set it up to 11 from 10, thanks to April at that telethon. It was a pretty clever device. Every time I was beginning to think I wasn’t being complimented enough, this handy device would give Gordon a signal, and he would throw a compliment my way. It was fabulous. Perhaps you could convince Gordon to loan it to you on your next date with Liz.

    Just a suggestion for your next date, you should probably stay away from any discussions having to do with the genetic engineering of your little half-Quebecoise daughter. That line you told Liz about your daughter having the best of you and the best of your former Quebecoise wife could have given away your conception process, if Elizabeth listened carefully to anything you said. It is best to leave that aspect of your

    As always, I will do anything I can do to help. You and Elizabeth are meant for each other and you belong together, no matter how awkward and uncomfortable you are around each other.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    man, it figs anthony blames me 4 his own communication trubs. whatevs, i'm on my way 2 the airport. i wanted 2 drive myself there, but dad's using his 'vASSe 2 visit the dump an' tsk @ every1's waste, and mom's using hers 2 "volunteer" 4 things around town. even tho it's a holiday 2day.

    so i'm in a cab. mom wanted me 2 take another bus, but there's a holiday sked in effect 2day.


  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    I'm so sorry! You should have phoned me! I could have taken you in the Special Needs Vanagon. It needs a test drive before the delivery and all the mechanics are afraid to take it off the lot.


  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, my cab passed gordo's lot, and i think i saw the "vanagon" u r talking abt. i m seriously afraid of that thing!

    i m writing this from the waiting area by my departure g8. we shd b boarding ne minute now!


  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Laura Cruikshank said…

    Hello, April's friends! It appears that April's flight has left right on time, and I'll be going to the airport here in Winnipeg to pick her up and take her back to our farm. Her flight is scheduled to arrive here at 5:15 this evening.

    Laura Cruikshank

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i m having the best time in winni so far. it turns out insteada having a hootenanny, they're having an april patterson festival! we've got they might be giants, 3rd eye blind, sarah mclachlan, and joan jett and the blackhearts, all playing here @ aunt bev, uncle danny, and cuz lauren's farm! i asked aunt bev how on earth this all came 2gether, an' she shrugged and sed, "april! u're a patterson! when pattersons show up, things just happen!" i m sooo psyched!


  • At 6:32 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Pop was over here at the house and read cousin Laura’s message about picking you up and taking you back to her farm. The image of you nestled in Laura’s strong manly arms, with her manly chin jutting into your back as she picked you up, entered my thoughts. I must admit I was feeling a little bit of envy for you on your trip.

    Pop sensed my feelings, and said to me, “April is a lucky girl. She gets to drive the farm equipment. She gets to spend all day out in the fields. Yessirree, that's the life! Those prairie winds with the fresh smell of the farm. Those vast blue skies with all their blueness. I would like to go with her too, Mike. Those wide open spaces.”

    Then Pop start to sing:

    Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
    Who's never left home, who's never struck out
    To find a dream and a life of their own
    A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

    Many precede and many will follow
    A young girl's dream no longer hollow
    It takes the shape of a place out west
    But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

    She needs wide open spaces
    Room to make her big mistakes
    She needs new faces
    She knows the high stakes

    Pop was about to go into another verse and chorus when my children burst into the room crying, “Please make him stop!!”

    Then pop said, “Little grandchildren. Always remember, music has to be fun. That's why it was invented. It doesn't matter if you're good or not. What matters is the fun.”

    My daughter said, “It isn’t fun when you sound awful.” My son said, “No sing. No sing. Hurts.” Pop said, “Everyone is a critic. If I were in Winnipeg I could sing all I wanted. They would even have a concert with a lot of musicians I never heard of before. I think I am going to go to Mayes Midtown Motors, where I am appreciated. Gordon says he has made up a brand new car for some charity and he would like me to deliver it.” Then he harrumphed and left.

    Be sure to tell Laura I am thinking of her. And you too, of course, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u dummy, laura didn't physically lift me and carry me sumwhere. she only meant she was going 2 meet me @ the airport and drive us back 2 the farm. in, u know, her car. dummy.

    boy, am i glad i didn't hafta hear dad sing. they might be giants are on rite now. it's so much better listening 2 them than 2 dad.


  • At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Laura Cruikshank said…

    Michael, please stop having your disturbing, inappropriate thoughts about me. I'm your cousin.


  • At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It has been a long day. Mater broke down in tears, as she seems to always do at these Dutch Tulip festivals. Gerald and I are trying to cheer her up. Gerald has a bottle of Pinot Noir and is using it to help him burp through “Oh Canada.” It sounds disgusting, but it is far better than saying, “Hoo!” all the time, and Mater actually seems to be somewhat amused by it. Apparently, her long-lost love Ronson van Daam, was known to be a burper.

    We ran into my old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam and his family and his new girlfriend who is predictably, skinnier than I am, and so pretty. She made me feel so fat. I really needed you near me to tell me I wasn’t a stupid fatass.

    Bronson’s mother, and Ronson van Daam’s sister was with him, and she kept referring to Mater as Ronson’s murderer. The whole idea is preposterous. Everyone knows that Ronson fell victim to the van Daam curse, where the van Daam first born dies at the age of 16, usually by being crushed by something tulip-related. I think Bronson’s mother was trying to assure him that it was by simple murder his uncle died, since Bronson turned 16 this year and is the first born male in his family. Nevertheless, it made Mater very upset to be called a killer.

    As she says, “I was sure Bronson van Daam and I would have beautiful children and live in a chateau on the Loire, if he hadn’t been smothered when that truck of tulips overturned on him.” Pater hates this story, and so I am glad he is not here.

    My Jeremy flower is not very flowery right now. I think he is going to fail me, and I am going to be a laughingstock. He was not able to get the sound system to work, and I have doubts he is going to be able to do it in time for the festival. I am furious with him, but I must try to hold myself together for the sake of Mater.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:07 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, all i hear all day long is “duz it work yet? duz it work yet?” i have been pulling & replacin’ freakin’ 100-year-old cables outa the ground all day long. then this guy bronson shows up, honoria’s old bf, & aftah he leaves all i get is, “y were u so dirty? cudn’t u have changed clothes 4 bronson?” i dunno y i wud. the guy is a freakin’ pansy. i dunno wut honoria evah saw in him. he looks like he’s the kinda guy who cud b crushed 2 death if a buncha flowerz fell on him. he’z gotta a gf who iz almost az skinny az honoria’z mom, like a freakin’ stick. honoria thinks that gf iz pretty, but she’z like completely ugly 2 me. i told that 2 honoria, but it didn’t help.

  • At 9:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Dear cousin. I am not sure why my thought of you lifting up my formerly little sister April would be considered disturbing or inappropriate to you. Considering April’s overnight weight gain when she turned 16 this year, I can see why it might be more of a muscular strain that it would have been to have picked up April last year. However, if you would like to tell me some disturbing, appropriate thoughts about you, I would be glad to think them.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i'm not there, honoria, but u r not a fatass. hope that helps.

    jeremy, that suxx. our sound system here is awesome. joan jett & the blackhearts r on now. they just started "crimson and clover."

    shut up, mike, i did NOT gain w8.


  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Laura Cruikshank said…

    Michael, April is right. You really are not very smart. You were showing your usual disconcerting interest in MY anatomy. You've displayed a prurient, squicky, incestuous interest in it, and seemed to be going down that path again. The idea of my lifting up April had nothing to do with my charges of inappropriateness.


    P.S. April looks quite slim, and if anything, she's looking slightly thinner than she did last summer.

  • At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Dear cousin. I believe I referenced your strong arms and strong chin. Are you still embarrassed by them? You shouldn’t be. Show them off proudly. They are certainly your best feature. Perhaps you are even more muscular than you were last summer, and so you did not notice April’s increase in makeup weight.

    Michael Patterson


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