Well, it's less gross than Mom's cooking

Sorry abt this foax. Another car ride w/Dad 2 tell U abt. Loading up my luggage in2 the back of the 'vASSe, I told Dad, "I had an awesum time on the farm, Dad. I've got so much 2 tell everybody!" Then, once we were in the car an' hovering, I sed, "I'm like, totally at home w/the horses now. I can ride almost as well as Laura, and Uncle Danny let me drive the tractor AND the truck! We went 2 the harvest fair, an auction an' a country music festival!" And Dad asked, "What abt the veterinary clinic? Did U enjoy working there?" And I sed, "Oh, yeah! That was the best part of all! I got 2 help out w/the surgery an' I saw stuff U wd NOT imagine! Like, guts an' everything! But I'll tell U all abt that @ supper." And Dad, of course, looked mildly gobsmacked.

This whole convo was kinda odd, cuz Dad cda asked me abt this stuff when I came home this past wkend 4 Mom's b-day celebration. But he and Mom just, like, didn't talk 2 me @ all while I was home 4 the b-day surprise. It was so strange.

Honoria, C U have bought in2 this whole "Jeremy was a villain" slander. Remember when U were d8ing him and U didn't consider him a "villain"? U only b-came convinced of that when U let that Corbeil-produced mockumentary brainwash U in2 thinking it.

And U R soooooooo literal. No, Daisy did not say "La-la-la." I was using that 2 express Daisy's oblivious attitude. I didn't have a special edition, which U no doubt wda assumed was a special edition 4 not-rich ppl who R not @ hoity-toity private schools. And BTW, U reading this bk in grade 3--a book that ppl read in grad school and write doctoral dissertations abt? Does not show that U R sum kinda super genius who went 2 a superior school (B4 it b-came downgraded 2 "worst school in Ontario"). It only shows that U read it when U were 2 yung 2 understand the significance. Heck, I read War and Peace when I was in kindergarten, but I didn't get the symbolism @ all until I re-read it last yr. I M sure that when U were in grade 3, U didn't make much of this: "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy -- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made." That is soooo U.

But I've realized that trying 2 convince U of NEthing goes nowhere. THAT is how U R like Mike. Not in appearance or NEthing. Like I sed, U R v. v. literal. Well, C U @ noon. We'll talk abt clothes and not eating, and then U'll go off 2 that school of yrs and that will B that.

Apes

Being Careful

Well, I accidentally ended up staying @ a hotel w/the Forsythe fam last nite, and early this morning, I got a call from Mom on my cell reminding me that my flight 2 Winni is this afternoon, so I'd better get back rite away 2 finish packing and getting ready. I got the earliest bus I cd, and it dropped me off by the park, which I had 2 cross thru on my way back 2 the TTH.

On my way thru the park, and I noticed that Liz was with Anthony and Françoise in the playground, which I hadta cross thru on my way home. I didn't wanna listen in, but I ended up catching part of their convo NEway.

Liz and Anthony were standing by the benches, and Françoise was all, "Daddy? Can I play on the swings?" And Anthony was all, "Sure! We'll B rite here." Which kinda surprised me, cuz Francie is abt a month shy of two and a half, and w/kids that age, most parents don't let them run off and do the swings by themselves. Usually 2.5-yr-olds use those special swings where they're strapped in, like a big plastic car seat. But the Mboro Park playground doesnt seem 2 have that kind.

Well, as Francie was off 2 the swings, Liz was all, "Françoise is such a beauty, Anthony." Anthony sed, "I think so. ...She has the best of Thérèse and me." Then he paused and sed, "Thanks 4 coming 2 the park w/us this morning." Liz went, "Thanx 4 asking me." And Anthony was like, "We're being very polite 2 1 another, Rn't we!" Liz was all, "I think... after C'ing ea other @ the wedding.... ....We're being careful."

That was all I heard on my way passing thru the playgd.

Apes

Inevitable Pun on "Best Man"

U mite remember that Dad stopped off @ Mayes Midtown Motors recently, 2 have his car serviced. After having a convo w/Anthony, he went off 2 the restaurant. NEway, Dad sez that when he was in the restaurant having cinnamon buns and coffee, Anthony came in and joined him. Dad was all, "So, U took care of the accounting questions Julia had?" Anthony was like, "Oh, sure, it was really a simple matter after all." Then Anthony told Dad, "Julia is such a great girl, John!" Dad's face musta darkened, cuz Anthony was all, "No, w8, I know what U're thinking. I mean she's a gr8 girl b-cuz she encouraged me 2 declare myself 2 Elizabeth @ Shawna Marie's wedding!" Then Dad's face musta been all sunshine an' flowers, and Anthony told him abt how Julia was all, "As yr friend, Anthony, I've gotta tell U.... that girl U're so crazy abt still cares!" And how Anthony was like, "MayB," and Julia came back w/"What 'mayB'? Of COURSE she does! C the way she looks @ U? I think U shd make a move." Anthony told Dad abt being all, "Really?" And how while they watched the groom removing the garter from Shawna Marie's garter, w/Dawn, Liz, and Mason standing by Shawna-Marie, Julie went, "Absolutely. If U want that girl, 2day is the day 2 tell her so." Anthony was like, "But Julia, she's w/the best man!" And Julia winked @ him, all "U're better."

Dad sez that he told Anthony, "She encouraged U 2 declare yrself 2 Elizabeth and she made a pun on 'best man'? I knew I liked her! Say, give her this!" He extracted from his wallet a coupon for a free cleaning @ his dental clinic.

Jeremy, thanx again 4 getting Axel and me in2 the Fergie show @ Koolhaus. We had the most awesum time! Tho I hafta say, when Honoria asked U 2 settle once an' 4 all that rumour abt Fergie being a man in drag, I don't think that was what she had in mind!

Apes

Liz demands equal time!

Liz wrote in last nite with:

April,

I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.

Liz

Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.

Jeremy, thanx 4 giving me an' Axel sum "private time" last nite. He was seriously bummed abt hockey, but I think I managed 2 cheer him up!!!

Apes

Being owned and stuff

Michael posted sum stuff abt what happed over @ Mom an' Dad's new teeny-tiny train house:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when Dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

Love,
Michael Patterson

So Mike U kinda got pwned a lil bit, eh? What I wanna know is when U suddenly got so much taller than Dad? Or have U just been standing on sumthing when U're near him l8ly?

Honoria, so adorable how U think I can defy the Witch. So, so cute. Not only is what U suggest impossible (like I just literally CAN'T do it), but then there R the sanctions She mite choose 2 impose on me 4 even TRYING that. Which can include but R not limited 2 turning me into a random animal (dog, possum, giraffe, what-have-you), regressing me 2 toddler or even baby size, giving me black acne (aka blacne), and NE # of horrible things I haven't even dreamed of, but which lurk in the evil recesses of Her mind. I guess the air must smell v. sweet in yr world, eh?

When I have more time, Honoria, I will have 2 go back in2 the old comments and show U sum of the things yr "Pater" has sed, according 2 Ger. I distinctly remember sumthing along the lines of Dr. F "not caring" abt the perspective of girls or how the parent of a daughter feels, since he only had sons [sorry--this was in his 4getful phase], and he wanted them 2 B "exceptional" when it comes 2 their sexuality (in large part cuz he himself had not been "exceptional"). It was all v. chilling. Also, ppl R alwayz saying that Ger and I have been a couple since we 1st kissed 4 yrs ago. That's not xxactly true. We went thru a lot of denial 4 a long time, mostly cuz of the band. We thot d8ing sum1 in the band was a v. v. bad idea, so there was a long stretch where we were officially "just friends" even tho we def had feelings 4 ea other. This confuses lots of ppl, including Ger and me.

Apes