April's Real Blog

Friday, May 25, 2007

Being owned and stuff

Michael posted sum stuff abt what happed over @ Mom an' Dad's new teeny-tiny train house:

Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when Dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

Michael Patterson
So Mike U kinda got pwned a lil bit, eh? What I wanna know is when U suddenly got so much taller than Dad? Or have U just been standing on sumthing when U're near him l8ly?

Honoria, so adorable how U think I can defy the Witch. So, so cute. Not only is what U suggest impossible (like I just literally CAN'T do it), but then there R the sanctions She mite choose 2 impose on me 4 even TRYING that. Which can include but R not limited 2 turning me into a random animal (dog, possum, giraffe, what-have-you), regressing me 2 toddler or even baby size, giving me black acne (aka blacne), and NE # of horrible things I haven't even dreamed of, but which lurk in the evil recesses of Her mind. I guess the air must smell v. sweet in yr world, eh?

When I have more time, Honoria, I will have 2 go back in2 the old comments and show U sum of the things yr "Pater" has sed, according 2 Ger. I distinctly remember sumthing along the lines of Dr. F "not caring" abt the perspective of girls or how the parent of a daughter feels, since he only had sons [sorry--this was in his 4getful phase], and he wanted them 2 B "exceptional" when it comes 2 their sexuality (in large part cuz he himself had not been "exceptional"). It was all v. chilling. Also, ppl R alwayz saying that Ger and I have been a couple since we 1st kissed 4 yrs ago. That's not xxactly true. We went thru a lot of denial 4 a long time, mostly cuz of the band. We thot d8ing sum1 in the band was a v. v. bad idea, so there was a long stretch where we were officially "just friends" even tho we def had feelings 4 ea other. This confuses lots of ppl, including Ger and me.


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  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yo honoria,

    u seem pretty cube, esp. since u can apparently put up w/ ger AND jer. so listen up. defying the witch of corbeil is bad, bad newz. it can get u erased. an' remember, the witch banished u 2 a boarding skool 1ce b4. u r xpendable as a character. take my word 4 it. i used 2 b like a major figure in apes' life. now i m lucky if her blog is abt me even 1-2 dayz a year! an' when it iz, it's abt me getting humiliated or abt apes's new friendz making fun of me.

    u do not want 2 tangle w/ this old ho. she is hella mean an' quick w/ the eraser.


  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Considering you are my formerly little sis and you regularly stand to where you can look well above the refrigerator, I am surprised you would make a comment about my height. Nevertheless, you are correct that recently my height has changed relative to dad’s. I don’t have a good explanation for it except that I now own a bigger house than he does. That also means that I am now apparently responsible for repairing his house in addition to my own. You may call it “pwned”, if you like. I think it is because I am considered to be the head of the Patterson family. Speaking of the head, have you noticed my head shape and jawline seem to be changing a lot? It is disconcerted to reach up and scratch my chin, only to find my chin has moved from where I remember it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    Ms. McGuire,

    Thank you ever so much for the advice about the witch of Corbeil. She sounds very dangerous and the type of person from whom anyone who has any breeding, intelligence, sense, or regular grooming habits would stay far away. Unfortunately, I do not know if I can take that sensible action. My dearest future sister, April Patterson, appears to be her thrall, and is not permitted to do even the simplest, common sense things to make her life happy. A young lady cannot permit such injustices to occur to her future sister. I plan to discretely determine if there are any things that I can do to get April her freedom without incurring the wrath of the witch. I certainly don’t want to be “erased.” Perhaps a critical letter to the Corbeil Chamber of Commerce would do the trick. I shall consult Pater and Mater to see if they have any ideas. They are much wiser and older than I.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 6:28 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky and I are now homeowners. You may not be aware of this, but with the rapidly-falling house values in your neighbourhood, the local Milborough officials have made great strides in cutting the purchase-to-ownership time in Milborough homes. Becky and I literally went from putting on offer on the house 2 houses down from George Stibbs’ house to having the keys in hand in a matter of minutes. None of those bothersome things like home inspections or loan qualifying or down payments or having the home value assessed, appraised and insured or closing costs. I cut a check and handed it to the man as his car went squealing away after he said, “Now the house owns you, suckers. You have live next to the Pattersons.” He is right. Becky and I will probably not ever be able to sell this house. But we got it for practically nothing, so we are thinking of the house as one would think of a disposable dinner.

    I was quite surprised to find the whole deal was legal, and given the way the man was so anxious to leave, I feared the house had a lot of damage we hadn’t seen. There was none. The house was in perfect condition in preparation for the sale, as someone with any integrity would do if they were leaving a house to someone else. I did check all the birch trees in the yard to make they were healthy too, just to be extra cautious.

    Becky and I are moving in now, and we will probably spend the rest of the weekend doing that. The Newlyfoobs show people were here for the purchase and they seemed to be quite excited the home purchase process didn’t take too long. I think they planned to devote 5 minutes to it on the show, and the whole process took about that long. It saved the Newlyfoobs show people a lot of costly editing time. Well, back to moving. Stop over anytime you want to get away from your family, or you feel like lifting or carrying something.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    congrats, howard an' becks! i m on my way over w/snax and will b happy 2 help w/the moving and arranging!


  • At 6:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 2nite @the koolhaus is mavado w/trinity chris. the show iz 19+ , so honoria can’t go. 2morrow tho iz an all ages show w/black rebel motorcycle club @10 pm & the cobbs r their warm-up @9 pm. if ur innerested, meet me @the usual spot & i’ll get u in. u’ll know whoevah u bring & honoria of course.

    it wuz good gettin’ 2 talk 2u @shakespeare rehearsal this aftahnoon. i think ur doin’ a gr8 job, way bettah than eva & duncan, especially duncan. u wud think a guy wud luv 2b doin’ luv scenes w/his gf he stole frum me rite in fronta me, but all i heard outa him wuz “not so ruff, eva. i hafta use that!”

    the stage manager asked me if i cud rig up sumthin’ so zandra larson can play her part w/o sacrificin’ her knees. we talked about sumthing she cud kneel on w/wheels, kinda like a porgy & bess thing, xxcept w/more pads 4 her knees. i think i have an idea 4 sumthin’ w/a little quiet motor & sum lightin’ fx 2 make zandra seem more fairy-like. she’s more like a giantess 2 mosta the cast cuz she's tall. zandra seemed 2b pretty xxcited ‘bout it (or az xxcited az zandra gets), but i figger thass mainly cuz she kinda bloodied up her knees 2day in rehearsal.

    i dunno wut it iz ‘bout that kinda stuff, but wenevah honoria hears me talkin’ ‘bout fixin’ sumthin’ up that needs repairin’, she gets v.v. xxcited. she told me, “u own this show my jeremy-flower & if u fix up just the right thing, u may sumday own me.” i dunno wut honoria is talkin’ ‘bout sumtymes, but i don’t worry ‘bout it. she gives me a sense of belongin’ 2 sum1, evn if peeps call me a loser 4 d8in’ her cuz she'z grade 8, & thass kinda nice.

    neway, lemme know if u want tix 4 2morrow nite

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Don’t bring any snacks that require refrigeration. We haven’t got that going just yet. Becky and I are looking forward to your help, and of course decorating the room which Becky is tentatively calling “April’s Room”, for when you stay over.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, thanx 4 the compliment and 4 the offer of tix. ger an' i both got txt messages from diana artemis saying that since ger has been v. good abt his support-group meetings, we can go on a d8 2morrow, just so long as we both understand he's still on probation.

    so do u mind if ger an' i join u an' honoria @ koolhaus 2morrow nite?


  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm on my way w/chips, howard. c u soon!


  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, no prob @koolhaus 2morrow. call wen u & ger get there.

  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am going to leave you and Becky to the light-lifting, decorating and arrangement aspect and I am doing the heavy-lifting. I know your brother had his wife doing the heavy-lifting when they were working on that tree, and something happened to give her right eye a black eye. I don’t think it would sit well with your family if you came back from helping us with a black eye too. I think we can treat you better than your brother did his wife.

    Howard Bunt


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