Being owned and stuff

Michael posted sum stuff abt what happed over @ Mom an' Dad's new teeny-tiny train house:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when Dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

Love,
Michael Patterson

So Mike U kinda got pwned a lil bit, eh? What I wanna know is when U suddenly got so much taller than Dad? Or have U just been standing on sumthing when U're near him l8ly?

Honoria, so adorable how U think I can defy the Witch. So, so cute. Not only is what U suggest impossible (like I just literally CAN'T do it), but then there R the sanctions She mite choose 2 impose on me 4 even TRYING that. Which can include but R not limited 2 turning me into a random animal (dog, possum, giraffe, what-have-you), regressing me 2 toddler or even baby size, giving me black acne (aka blacne), and NE # of horrible things I haven't even dreamed of, but which lurk in the evil recesses of Her mind. I guess the air must smell v. sweet in yr world, eh?

When I have more time, Honoria, I will have 2 go back in2 the old comments and show U sum of the things yr "Pater" has sed, according 2 Ger. I distinctly remember sumthing along the lines of Dr. F "not caring" abt the perspective of girls or how the parent of a daughter feels, since he only had sons [sorry--this was in his 4getful phase], and he wanted them 2 B "exceptional" when it comes 2 their sexuality (in large part cuz he himself had not been "exceptional"). It was all v. chilling. Also, ppl R alwayz saying that Ger and I have been a couple since we 1st kissed 4 yrs ago. That's not xxactly true. We went thru a lot of denial 4 a long time, mostly cuz of the band. We thot d8ing sum1 in the band was a v. v. bad idea, so there was a long stretch where we were officially "just friends" even tho we def had feelings 4 ea other. This confuses lots of ppl, including Ger and me.

Apes