Me
Let's review, Mike. I went out and bought snack-sized Jello cups w/my own $. I put my initials on them so that no1 else wd eat them. U, Mom, and Dee, ATE them all. Am I going 2 go out and buy MORE 4 all of U 2 eat? Y on earth wd I do that? No, don't answer that. I'm sure U wd try 2 give me a lame-ass ANSWER, so I'll just make it easy 4 yr tiny brain. NO. Man, I h8 this place.
So, Gramps. Something abt him practicing the word "me" and it not going so well. Christine (the speech therapist) saying "Let's save ME 4 a while, OK?" And knowing Gramps he thot-bubbled sumthing like "Let's save BOTH of us." U know, not taking "me" as a word, but--oh, whatevs. Gah, this is gonna B a LOOOOOONG week.
Apes
P.S. Since Mike isn't even trying 2 make my staying @ our house an attractive option NEmore, I M back 2 considering my other options. Dunc, when wd U like 2 do sum apt hunting in TO?
So, Gramps. Something abt him practicing the word "me" and it not going so well. Christine (the speech therapist) saying "Let's save ME 4 a while, OK?" And knowing Gramps he thot-bubbled sumthing like "Let's save BOTH of us." U know, not taking "me" as a word, but--oh, whatevs. Gah, this is gonna B a LOOOOOONG week.
Apes
P.S. Since Mike isn't even trying 2 make my staying @ our house an attractive option NEmore, I M back 2 considering my other options. Dunc, when wd U like 2 do sum apt hunting in TO?
posted by April Patterson @ 6:07 AM
13 Comments:
At 9:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. You should follow the advice that Grandpa Jim and his speech therapist were trying to tell you--"Save ME for awhile and by doing that, you save BOTH of us." Clearly, Grandpa Jim was trying to tell you to stop being a self-centred Martian teenager, and if you do that then you can save the world. For example, one way the world could be saved is if you get some more jello. Another way would be to find some way to get my kids to stop saying, "Can we have a puppy, daddy?" Those would be two world-savers right there. The first one would solve a world hunger problem and the second would solve a world peace problem. You like Grandpa Jim. Why don't you follow his (and his speech therapist's) advice?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:37 AM,
April Patterson said…
lololololololololololol!!!!!!
michael patterson is telling ME 2 b less self-centred. and trying 2 pass this off as advice 2 ME from GRAMPS! i cdn't resist calling iris during my spare class-period just now, and asking her 2 report this 2 gramps. she told me he had the best belly laugh he's had since b4 his stroke. he yelled out "boxcar" and then, in his picture book, he pted 2 a pic of u, mike, and then a picture of a horse's rear end.
as 4 the jello snacks u wrongly ate, it think it wd b more appropriate 4 u 2 go 2 the store and buy new ones 4, and then deliver them 2 eva abuya's house, where i'm going 2 b staying 4 a while. i don't even have ne $$ left after what i spent 4 mother's day.
and on the puppy issue, mayB u shd suggest 2 dee that she shdn't have taken the kids 2 c puppies on sunday if she wasn't prepared 2 let them adopt one. duh.
apes
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, I'm glad you accepted my offer 2 stay @ my house, man. Yr suite in the guest wing has its own kitchenette and full bathroom with a sunken tub. You'll love it!
Eva
At 12:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Grandpa has great advice, even if he has to use a picture book to pass it on. Obviously he is proud of my status as an author, since he has included a picture of me in his picture book; and he is proud of you and your future career as a veterinarian, since he has a picture of a horse part and it allows him to have a discussion with you about them and their anatomy. Clearly the message is that he is anxious to discuss your career plans with you, as he has discussed my career plans with me last February. What a great guy!
As for your advice that I suggest to my lovely wife, Deanna, that she shouldn't have taken the kids to see puppies on Sunday if she wasn't prepared to let them adopt one, I have only one thing to say: You must be crazy, if you think I would ever suggest such a thing to Deanna. If I said that, not only would I not be able to save me, I wouldn’t be able to save both of us from Deanna’s probable reaction to that suggestion. You know that whole trip to see Kai and her dog and the puppies didn’t have anything to do with puppy adoption and had much more to do with issues between Deanna and Kai, since Kai hasn’t been able to speak since she took that medicine which Deanna…well you know the whole story…and I am not going to repeat it for your readers. The point is, I am not going to blame Deanna. I just want the kids to stop asking about getting a puppy.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur gonna stay ovah @eva’s? iz duncan, like, still ovah there 2? cuz u know, u mite wanna not hafta lissen 2 them @nite & stuff. it mite not b the best choice of places, if u wanna get ne sleep, if he’z still there. judgin’ frum the rehearsals 4 midsummer’s night dream, where eva plays titania & duncan plays snout, i gotta figger he’z still there, cuz the director iz constantly sayin’, “no! titania is not in luvv w/snout! she’z in luvv w/bottom.” wen i write that, it seemz kinda kinky. let’s save snouts & bottoms 4 awhile, ok? let’s save u frum havin’ 2 lissen to eva & duncan’z luv noises.
At 6:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, i stopped home after school 2 pick up sum belongings 4 my stay @ eva's, and when i got there, dee told me she was v. v. sorry 4 eating my jello, so after i'd packed my bag, she took me 2 the grocery and bought me sum more, along w/sum other favourite foods ppl in the house have been stealing from me. she told me she shd have realized that seeing those puppies wd make the littles want one, esp. since mike had told her the story abt when farley's mother had had the litter of pups that included farley, and how mike and dad had, like, conned mom in2 adopting little farley, even tho she didn't want a dog. then she was all, "april, i don't know what i was thinking, other than being disappointed that my husband hadn't planned nething special 4 my special day."
dee also mentioned that mom had been muttering sumthing abt how she cdn't believe she [mom] and dad had 4gotten 2 take a warm-weather vacation in march this yr. just plain 4got! so no pics from mexico 2 share w/their friends.
i told dee abt what gramps had dun pting @ the pics in the picture book, and she laffed out loud. "omg, yr gramps thinks mike is a horse's ass!" and i sed, "thank god u got that! mike thinx it means gramps is proud of mike and is taking an interest in my future career as a veterinarian." dee sed, "it figures he wd think that."
jeremy, no worries. eva's house is huge, and when dunc hangs @ the house w/her, they r usually in the theatre wing, and even if there's a whole lotta noise there (like playing cd's or dvd's @ full blast), u can't hear a thing from the guest wing.
apes
At 7:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i unnerstand wut ur sayin’. no prob. u mite wanna make sure u don’t sit in nethin’ thass wet, if u know wut i mean. eva likes lotsa diffrent locationz, cuz she sez it’s more like a cowgirl wanderin’ the wide prairie. i wud give wutevah u plan 2 sit on or sleep in a good feel ovah & if it’s not wet, sticky or slightly crunchy, ur prolly ok.
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Thanks for having that conversation with my sweet Deanna. She wondered where you got that delicious jello, and the trip to the grocery was the perfect way to show her. We are enjoying some of the extra jello Deanna bought as our dessert for supper. Deanna is more convinced than ever we need to adopt you. Deanna is convinced you are such an innocent, such a trusting soul, so guileless and naïve, so accepting and believing; you would be the perfect daughter. Mom said, “Let’s save how you fell for the innocent April act for awhile, OK?” But Deanna said, “Let’s save both of us, if you sign these adoption papers.” I think mom is ready to sign, but she wants to wait until the house sale has actually occurred.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
innocent and trusting? lolfulness. speaking of being innocent and trusting, a certain "attorney" who came by an' told dee that u'd sent him 2 review those adoption papers so he'd need 2 take them w/him? well, that was actually luis in disguise. he brot 'em over here and we shredded them.
in case u hadn't figured it out, i don't wanna b adopted. i'm 16. i can move out and live on my own. no adoption.
apes
At 8:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I’m not sure who Luis is. Was he that teenager who came by the house wearing a dark suit, sunglasses and the tennis shoes? He told Deanna a really long story about being a Mexican refugee. I suppose I should guess he was one of your friends, as a part of our long-standing Patterson policy of befriending persons from ethnic backgrounds. It’s good to see you are following the family ethnicity tradition and of course, making sure your friends are not as smart as you are. Good job, formerly little sis.
Deanna has told me to tell you that once we have the house, you are welcome to come for extended visits. She wants you to have two places to go. She thinks it's nice to have you around, because you are smart and sarcastic and good with our children. She also wants you to know that she is smarter than you think she is, and your friend Luis did not fool her for one instant. I think that covers it.
Have fun at your sleepover!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I read your story about you and your brother, and I can certainly relate to your difficulty. No matter how often I threaten my older brother with violence, he knows I am a lady and I will not resort to base fisticuffs to prevent him from his daily attempts to punch my stomach or my younger brother, Gerald’s stomach. Gerald often says he would have chosen a different brother. I think I would too. Of course, the special itching powder I put in older brother’s undergarments have provided me with a certain measure of revenge. Perhaps you should try that on your older brother, the next time he eats your jello without asking. It might be a better idea than moving in with your friend Eva, who has made it very clear she doesn’t like my brother, Gerald. I fear she will taint your mind against him.
Things are going well with my Jeremy flower…for the most part. I will be very happy when this Stanley Cup stuff is over. I like that it’s called the Lord Stanley Cup, since that makes it sound like royalty. However, it doesn’t make up for ignoring a lady, when she wants some hugging, and kissing, and other more intimate things. There are some things a girl wants a boy to do, that cannot be done in a 2-minute commercial.
We were lying on the chesterfield at Anthony Caine’s house after Jeremy and I got little Francie to bed, and we snuggling together watching the Buffalo Sabres play the Ottawa Senators. I liked the snuggling, but I was afraid Gerald would interfere. Jeremy assured me Gerald wouldn’t bother us while the game was on, and he was right. I was shocked. It would be the perfect time for me to finally have my way with Jeremy, if the game wasn’t distracting Jeremy too.
My old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam would never prefer watching a hockey game to watching me get frisky. Bronson might get distracted by his horticultural interests, like if he was watching a documentary on a new breed of Dutch tulips, but never ice hockey. He was too much of a gentleman.
I tried my best lines to convince Jeremy, but nothing worked. I said, “Let’s kiss for awhile, OK? Don’t kiss me off during the game and save kissing for the commercials.” Or “Let’s hug really close for awhile, OK? Don’t hug me like that man is hugging the ice.” Or “Let’s play with your sabre for awhile, OK? Let’s save their Sabres for the Senators.”
It was no use and by the time the game was over, Mr. Caine was back from his night out. I can’t wait for hockey to be over.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 9:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
whatevs, mike. i'm not having a sleepover. i mite never come back. not that u care.
honoria, these boys r madly in2 hockey!
apes
At 1:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. There are some who might say your decision to run away from home, because mom didn’t like your Mother’s Day present best, or because someone ate your jello, is a little extreme. They might say it is a gross overreaction to the situation. Not me, formerly little sis. To me, when you run away from home and whine about how your big brother doesn’t care about you, that’s just another way you are learning the ways of our family. A Patterson doesn’t confront their problem directly. They run away and hide. I think mom and dad would be quite proud of you, formerly little sis, if they were aware you were gone. I know I am.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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