M.E.N.
After Liz blocked traffic while mentally ber8ing herself, she came home and stormed in2 the house. I was drying dishes in the kitchen, and when I heard her coming in, I was like, "Hi, Sis!" And while my hair curse was still forcing me 2 wear the bad propeller bun, I'd been able 2 get my bangs look sort of wispy and strandy, insteada being in 1 big mass. So I was kinda happy abt that. But NEway, Liz didn't answer my greeting--instead she thot-bubbled a snort and thumped up the stairs w/six big "THUMPS," while looking like she was trying 2 push out a big poop. Then once she arrived upstairs, she let out a humongous AAAAUGH! sound.
Dad, Edgar, and I all went 2 the foot of the stairs when we heard that sound, and Dad was all, "P.M.S.?" Yuck, Y do guys like Dad always assume that? And I answered, "Nope. M.E.N." Dad was confused, cuz his mind was locked in2 the idea of an acronym. So he was like: "Menopausal, Endometrial Neurospasmosis? Mediterranean Escalated Neo-trauma? Myopic, Entropic Nebulizers?" And I rolled my eyes and sed, "Men." And he sed, "What? I cdn't figure it out b-cuz I'm male?" And I sed, "No, that's her problem. Men. I spelled out 'men'--M.E.N. Silly." And Dad sed, "Oh." And he ambled away, Dad-style.
Well, happy Cinco de Mayo, 2 U Cinco de Mayo celebr8ing peeps. And happy Free Comic Book Day, 2 those of U near particip8ing stores! A bunch of us R going 2 TO 2 get us sum books!
Luis's C-d-M party starts @ 7 2nite, yo!
Apes
Dad, Edgar, and I all went 2 the foot of the stairs when we heard that sound, and Dad was all, "P.M.S.?" Yuck, Y do guys like Dad always assume that? And I answered, "Nope. M.E.N." Dad was confused, cuz his mind was locked in2 the idea of an acronym. So he was like: "Menopausal, Endometrial Neurospasmosis? Mediterranean Escalated Neo-trauma? Myopic, Entropic Nebulizers?" And I rolled my eyes and sed, "Men." And he sed, "What? I cdn't figure it out b-cuz I'm male?" And I sed, "No, that's her problem. Men. I spelled out 'men'--M.E.N. Silly." And Dad sed, "Oh." And he ambled away, Dad-style.
Well, happy Cinco de Mayo, 2 U Cinco de Mayo celebr8ing peeps. And happy Free Comic Book Day, 2 those of U near particip8ing stores! A bunch of us R going 2 TO 2 get us sum books!
Luis's C-d-M party starts @ 7 2nite, yo!
Apes
Labels: Dad, Liz, stoopidity
posted by April Patterson @ 7:23 AM
13 Comments:
At 10:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Well, it is my sincere hope that since we have moved the Lizardbreath’s stuff to her new apartment last night, that she will actually stay in her new apartment instead of coming back to my house with her hormonal rages, as she did after her visit with Anthony Caine. It makes Edgar nervous and when he’s nervous, you know what he does, since you had to clean it up.
I have tried my best to get Anthony and Elizabeth to admit their feelings for each other in a good productive, but passive-aggressive way, like writing them in a newspaper column and using false names; but neither one seems to be able to get past this cat-and-mouse game they have been playing with each other since high school. Even my children have figured it out. My daughter said, “Crazy auntie Liz doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s too scary.” My son says, “Yells like g’mom Elly.”
I can’t deal with Elizabeth and Anthony any more. I am much more comfortable in the world of Leonard Driscoll, where I'm in control. Just to let you know, formerly little sis, just because I wrote in my monthly letter, “My head is firmly wedged inside novel number two.” doesn’t mean you had to teach my children to say, “Daddy’s head’s in number two.” It’s true, but not the way you have my children thinking about it. It’s those kinds of actions which make me regret having signed the papers Deanna put in for adopting you.
With that in mind, I must return to the windjammer. There are fourteen crew members down with the trots and the seas are blowing high. It will be difficult for a seafaring man to keep his balance on the deck of the windjammer tonight. Not only that, but it looks like a night of bad weather and Leonard Driscoll has his work cut out for him being able to ride on a wet surface. I should go and see that he gets his saddle and mounts safely.
Hold on, Deanna is looking over my shoulder and has told me that “down with the trots” doesn’t mean “men who are willing to ride other men around like they are horses”. She says it means Diarrhea. I should have known my medically-knowledged wife would come in handy some day. I wonder what the term is for “men who are willing to ride other men around like they are horses”. I asked Deanna, but she just said, “Men!” and she didn’t spell it like you did. I don’t think that’s the right answer though.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Your story about your sister was discouraging and encouraging at the same time. It was discouraging, because I know what it is like to have a sibling who flies off the handle at the slightest provocation and goes into a furious rage. I am sure you have met my oldest brother, the one who likes to punch stomachs when he gets mad. When he gets angry I stay far away from him, as I am sure you do with your sister. Gerald has mentioned to me she has a history of physical violence, and I hope you have not been the brunt of it, although since you are the youngest in your house, I fear you have been the main recipient. Sometimes it is not much fun being the youngest.
The only encouraging thing I can think to see out of the situation is that it is this same sister who advised you to break up with my brother Gerald, and it is my hope that her erratic behaviour has convinced you that your sister is not the type of person from whom anyone should be taking advice on their love life. I don’t mean to speak poorly of someone close to you, but I am looking forward to being a real sister to you someday and I would hate to think some poor advice would prevent that from happening.
I do have a stern word for you, April, but I mean it in all kindness and with only your best interests in mind. Making P.M.S. jokes is not what a gentleman should do, especially when talking about his own daughter. I would strongly recommend you don’t encourage your father to continue this practice by trying to make jokes out of what he said. It is not the lady’s duty to put up with the impropriety of the men in her life, but to correct and upbraid. This especially means my brother and the awful rumour he spread about you in school. When a man does something inappropriate, it is the lady’s job to put things right decisively and with no room for repetition. Seeing how you reacted to your father’s joke tells me you have gotten into a habit of letting the men in your life do these things to you. Men are trainable. If they weren’t, then we wouldn’t have any sort of civilization.
Now that those unpleasant topics are out of the way, I wish to discuss something with you of vital importance. I am wearing a Mexican dress tonight with the Mexican national colours (green, white, and red) in it. Luis Guzmán’s parents run a nice shop selling these items in Milborough, and Mater took me shopping this morning. It is a beautiful dress, and because it puffs out at the waist, it disguises my "Pear-Shaped Piggy,"size 4 hips nicely. Mater was appalled they didn’t have any white dresses in the shop except for wedding dresses. I love the colour, but since we will probably be spending a lot of time together at the party, I want to make sure my colours are not the same as yours. It would be dreadful if we wore the same thing.
Let me know,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 11:36 AM,
howard said…
April,
Please inform your boyfriend Gerald, I will not be coming to the Luis Guzmán Cinco de Mayo party to act as his body guard, in case your friend Eva Abuya tries to punch him out for the rumour he spread about you in school. Please ask him to stop asking me. It is getting tiresome.
Normally I would accept, but my fiancée Becky and your friend Eva do not get along, and Becky believes Eva brings out the worst in you, so she has no desire to spend her time at a party where she has to listen to whispering all night. Becky also has an opinion of how 4Evah&Eva will sound playing Tejano music, which is not particularly flattering. I must admit I have my doubts about it too.
Instead of going there, Becky and Mizz Candy Rapper are right now in a recording session of their duet, and after they are done, we will attend a post-recording / Cinco de Mayo party hosted by Mizz Rapper. They sound pretty good, and I think it is some of Becky’s best writing.
As for your sister and Anthony Caine, I was frankly shocked that Anthony was not willing to break his date with his coworker in favour of your sister. After all, he was willing to destroy his marriage for your sister, what’s a date compared to that? Either Anthony is playing hard to get, or this women he works with is something special, or your sister’s Patterson allure is fading so she no longer wields the same power over Anthony Caine she once did. I know I am especially susceptible to it, and it’s been awhile since I have even felt a twinge of it.
The other day, when I saw your sister screaming at herself in her car, she was very unattractive, even ugly. When her allure was in full bloom, I would have leapt out of my car to comfort her, as would probably every man on the road. I’m afraid your sister may have missed her opportunity to use her allure on Anthony Caine, if she can’t even get him to break a date for her. Now she will have to get by on looks and personality, like everybody else does, except for rich people. Is your sister coming into any money? If not, I sense she will transform into a single, cat lady.
Howard Bunt
At 11:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, honoria is tryin’ 2 get me 2 dress like my favrite mexican revolutionary 4 2nite’s party. iz gerald doin’ that? cuz i don’t wanna do that, & if he’s not doin’ it, then i don’t hafta.
At 3:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, we just got back fr. to. it was me, ger, dunc, eva, an' luis, and we all got comix. when we got in2 the comic shop, we were ea. given a clear plastic bag, and told we cd get 3 free books apiece from the special "free" racks. i got a simpsons comic, a sonic the hedgehog, and a "how 2 draw comics" comic. the guys got spiderman and batman stuff, and eva got sum i didn't recognize.
then we d-cided 2 check out the rest of the selection, and i ended up getting the 1st 2 issues of the buffy season-8 series. ger got sum archie comix, luis got sum los bros hernandez, and eva got sum x-men.
oh, ger's been going on an' on abt how he wants 2 dress up as emiliano zapata 4 the cinqo de mayo party. luis is all, "it's not a costume party, essé. i don't know y u forythes got that idea. just dress regular, man."
so i'm just gonna wear sum black cargo pants an' a hot-pink tank top. i don't think we'll be matchy, honoria. oh, and i'm not sure y u think my response 2 dad was encouragement, but i did roll my eyez really hard. does that help?
apes
At 4:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 findin’ out ‘bout the clothes. I rilly didn’t wanna do the costume thing.
At 4:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Black and hot pink certainly will not match what I am wearing, April. Thanks ever so much for not matching me. Hopefully I can get Jeremy to wear something that doesn’t have holes in it.
And to answer your question about your response to your father, my brother has reported to me your family’s tendency to pun and make jokes. By his definition, making a joke in response to a joke is encouragement, even if you are rolling your eyes. Most men don’t really catch onto eye-rolling, especially fathers. If my Pater were able to follow my Mater’s hidden meaning with her eye-rolling he would be quite surprised as to her opinions on things.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 6:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, have u guys evah played this tejano musick b4? luis sounds good, but the rest of u r kinda, u know, bad. i dunno if it wud help ne, but u prolly wanna move eva away frum gerald, cuz aftah she missed that note & gerald sed sumthin' 'bout pms affectin' her singin', she's been hittin' him pretty regular w/that x-men comic book.
oh, i gotta go. luis' gf karen asked me if i wuz innerested in doin' a last minute dj job.
At 6:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i guess we were kinda hopin' we cd wing it w/this style of music luis wants us 2 play, but it's obvs not working out. i think we will end up altern8ing betw u dj'ing and us playing our usual kinda music. i'm separ8ing eva an' ger.
apes
At 7:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ok. i'm set 4 altern8ing. i hope i don't hafta play the macarena all nite, or la bamba.
At 7:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, jeremy. luis pretty much 4bade us from playing the macarena, la bamba, or pretty much nething spanish or latin american!
apes
At 11:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, 4tun8ly the large latino crowd in mboro makes havin’ a good selection of tejano music a must for a mboro dj. i played mainly frum selena -- amor prohibido, texas tornados, who r freddy fender, flaco jimenez, doug sahm, & augie meyers, intocable -- contigo, bobby pulido -- desvelado, la mafia -- euforia, & of course the anthology albums of the tejano music awards have a lotta good stuff on them. luis’ crowd seemed 2 like it, but i think i ended up doin’ this gig 4 free.
i thot honoria wuz gonna b mad cuz i cudn’t dance w/her xxcept wen u guys were playin’. she wuz cube ‘bout it. she kept goin’ ‘bout how i wuz sum kinda hero cuz i cud put 2gethah a sound system so fast. 4evah&eva sounded good 2 wen u stuck w/songs u guys know well like that “2 %$#@ loud song”. othahwise i dunno how u wud’ve made it. every tyme u guyz played & i wuz dancin’ w/honoria, she wuz doin’ those dance motions u know 2 get gerald upset. u guys were rilly cube 2b able 2 change sum of ur lyrics 2 go along w/ gerald yellin’ “get ur germy hands off my sister, jeremy jones!” eva thot it wuz so funny, she stopped tryin’ 2b mad @gerald 2 help u & suggested a lotta dance moves i wish she hadn’t suggested cuz she sed, “wen i wuz w/jeremy, we usedta dance this. u shud dance it 2 rite in fronta gerald. that wud rilly tell gerald 2 stuff it.” ‘course honoria b-lieved her & did it & i hadda try 2 remembah she iz only 14.
i think thass y gerald left w/honoria rite after ur last set & didn’t take his drums w/him.
At 12:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Tonight was the most wonderful night. I got to see my man, Jeremy at work and save the day. I didn’t know he was such a good DJ until tonight. All those Latino boys were asking me to dance, and I said “My boyfriend is the DJ, otherwise sure.” The Latino boys usually shrugged and said, “¡Esa muchacha está loca!”
I wonder if Jeremy will be willing to work his DJ magic at an outdoor festival I know about, where Mater has been the chairwoman for several years. All the best families would be there and it would be a great time to show Jeremy off.
I must apologize to you for my attempts to ruin your band’s performance by dirty dancing with Jeremy every time you played. It was very immature of me, and even though I enjoyed getting my brother upset, a true lady does not sacrifice the well-being of her future sister just to get a little payback on her brother. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
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