April's Real Blog

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

After sorting, Liz puns in her head

Liz sez that after she sorted her stuff into "keep," "chuck," and "toss," categories, she found herself thinking, "A rolling stone gathers no mess." I was, like, "Oh, so U punned in yr head." Liz sed, yeah, she guessed she had. I pointed out that mayB she didn't move often enuf 2 B considered a "rolling stone," and that if the pun line were true, she wdn't have had all that stuff 2 sort. She just scowled @ me. I then asked her Y three categories, and what's the diff betw "chuck" and "toss." She was all "AUGH!" and called me a "picky-face" again. Whatevs, rite?

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:26 AM  

7 Comments:

  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I know your sister is traditionally uncommunicative, but I believe I can help you understand her sorting techniques to a certain degree. Back when I used to work with her at Lakeshore Landscaping in 2005, if your sister had a particularly disastrous occurrence operating some of the heavy equipment (trees, plants, or fellow workers mutilated), that she was neither trained or licensed to operate; her boss Lawrence Poirier would take her into the office, and after giving her a stern lecture about not operating the heavy equipment around trees, plants, or fellow workers; he would usually put her to work in some kind of mindless office task.

    I remember on one occasion, your sister had things in 3 piles on one of the desks and Lawrence asked her why there were 3 piles and your sister replied that everything from that drawer was "keep" and everything from this drawer was "chuck" and everything from another draw was some combination of "keep", "chuck", or "toss" where she had 2 "keep"s for every "toss" or "chuck". She was very proud to explain she was making sure the stuff she was throwing out was in equal proportion to the things she was keeping. Lawrence asked her the same question you asked about "chuck" or "toss", and at the time, your sister explained that "chuck" was for the heavier items with more ink on them, and "toss" was for the lighter items with less ink. I think Lawrence was amused by your sister's method until his partner in business and in life, Nicholas Browne saw what your sister was doing and started shrieking about valuable business records being thrown away and no longer in their filing system.

    Most times when Nicholas would scream about something being destroyed in the office, your sister was assigned to drive a forklift around in circles in the unoccupied dirt lot behind the business until the fuel ran out, usually on the premise she was collecting statistics important to the running of the forklift. I think she would pun to herself even then, because sometimes she would get a wide grin on her face for no reason, or she would do the sticky-out tongue laughing. There were even some occasions when your sister's shadow would stretch out so it looked like it was the shadow of a completely different person than your sister; but I don't know if that had anything to do with punning. It just creeped us out, like she was one of those disguised monsters from an old horror film. Your sister's Patterson allure did exercise some power over us gay guys who worked at Lakeshore Landscaping, but on days like those, we were often very glad we were gay.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Thanks ever so much for stirring up the Lizardbreath by telling her that since she was throwing away a mess, her pun “A rolling stone gathers no mess!” does not work. She was fairly vocal at the breakfast table and almost kept me from finishing off the granola and milk. She said, “I try to think a simple pun. I’m rolling to my new apartment. I’m throwing out my mess. So, it just makes sense I am a rolling stone who gathers no mess. And it’s a good pun too.”

    Dad said, “Yes, Liz. You have made what I would call the ‘proverbial pun’.” And then dad guffawed to himself. Then he said, “Because she made a pun out of a proverb.” And then dad guffawed to himself again. Liz said, “Daaad. We’re talking about me, not you making a pun about me making a pun.” Dad said, “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to get you upset. What were you saying?” Liz said, “April. She said my pun was no good because I had made a mess.”

    I said, “Liz. Your pun makes perfect sense to me. You are comparing your mess to a moss. Mosses need a stable, moist environment to grow like an immobile old stones set in the ground. If a stone is rolling, it does not provide this environment. Such a stone remains free, "clean," unadorned. So, by metaphor, a "rolling stone" is an unattached, itinerant person. The proverb is based on the Latin: Saxum volutum non obducitur musco, traced back to around the first century B.C. (Publilius Syrus), and in 1546, it was included in John Heywood's book of proverbs.”

    Dad said, “Son. You are proof of another old proverb, ‘A little knowledge is a boring thing.’ I thought Liz’s story was dull until I heard you talk. Why don’t you make yourself useful and carry some of my boxes of trains out to my Crevasse. I think I strained my back after that 50th box.” I said, “My point is, pop, that because Liz is an unattached, itinerant person; the pun fits her perfectly.” Then Liz said, “What do you mean unattached? Are you saying something about my personal life, like when you were talking about Paul and you said, ‘Absence makes the heart go wander’?”

    I said, “Well, Elizabeth. You are moving to a new apartment. Warren Blackwood, obviously only knows the phone number for you at this house on the kitchen phone, or he would call you on your cell phone. And once you move, Anthony Caine won’t know how to reach you either. And I seriously doubt you would tell either of them your cell phone number, or you would have done it already. So, once you move, you will be effectively unattached, just like a rolling stone.”

    Well, then Liz started crying and ran to her room. Dad said, “Thanks, Mike. I thought she’d never leave. Is there any granola or milk left?” I said, “Sorry, dad. I just finished them.”

    The lesson to you, formerly little sis, is to not attack your sister’s puns but point out just how accurate they are. You get much better results.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i hadda anothah innerestin’ lunch 2day. i wuz sittin’ myself az usual (the corbeil certificate of goodness hazn’t changed that), when honoria delaney-forsythe came up 2 me & sed, “jeremy. i made u sumthin’ in home ec.” then she handed me a boiled egg. i sed, “it looks like a boiled egg.” honoria sed, “i know it’s not a very complic8ed meal, but they don’t push us 2 hard in home ec. there’s a bunch of retards in there.” i sed, “they’re called ‘special needs’.” honoria sed, “there’s sum special needs kids in the home ec class 2.” i sed, “no. i mean u don’t call them retards, u call them special needs.” honoria sed, “jeremy jones. i’m not retarded. i know the rulez. the kids who are retarded, you call special needs, and the kids who aren’t retarded, but who act st00pid, you call retarded. never call nethin’ by wut is iz. how cud u think such a thing of me?”

    i sed, “well ur bro called sum of the special needs retarded in fronta april patterson once, so i figgered he mighta told u wrong.” honoria sed, “oh that. gerald told me he sumtymez sez stuff like that 2 april 2c wut she will do. i can kinda cy. the girl iz so dull, he hazta do sumthin’.” i sed, “it sounds like ur jealous of april.” honoria sed, “jeremy jones. nothin’ cud b further frum the truth. now eat ur egg, i made 4u.” i started eatin’ it, & honoria sed, “there r 2 boyz in home ec who hold the whole class back, they r so retarded. the teach gives instructions on how 2 use the ingredients, & they r just ‘keep, keep, keep, keep, …chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck,…keep, toss, keep, chuck, chuck, keep, toss, keep’. then they have this big mess, when they’re supposed 2 have a boiled egg. duzn’t that sound retarded 2u?”

    i sed, “u prolly don’t wanna uze that word so loud. sum peeps ‘round here r rilly sensitive.” honoria sed, “like who?” then outa nowhere shannon lake wuz there. she surprised me wen i saw her & i sed, “auugh!!” shannon sed, “jeremy…jones. i….heard…u…sayin’…’retarded’…again. i…know…u…got…that…corbeil…certificate…of…goodness, but…i…didn’t…think…u…deserved…it.” honoria sed, “jeremy, aren’t u gonna introduce me 2 ur friend?” i sed, “honoria, this is shannon lake.” honoria sed, “no, jeremy. u say, ‘shannon lake. it is my pleasure 2 introduce u2 my girlfriend honoria delaney-forsythe.” shannon sed, “girlfriend?” i wuz ‘bout 2 say sumthin’ ‘bout that , but honoria stuck out her hand 2 shannon lake & gave her hand a polite shake & sed, “shannon. it’s a delight 2 meet 1 of jeremy’s friends.”

    shannon sed, “i…heard…u…callin’…sum1…retarded.” honoria sed, “i know. i h8 2 speak ill of sum peeps, but do u know 2 boys named joe castor-dents & beavis cornholio?” shannon sed, “they…were…mean…2…april…patterson…the…nicest…girl…in…mboro.” honoria sed, “well, i don’t know if april is the nicest girl in mboro, but i do know those boyz r horrible in my home ec class. so i called them retarded.” shannon sed, “ne1…who’s…mean…2…april…iz…definitely…retarded.” honoria sed, “xxactly.” shannon sed, “u…weren’t…callin’…ne1…special…needs…retarded, were…u?” honoria sed, “heavens, no! that just isn’t done.” shannon sed, “u…shud…know…ur..bf…haz…done…that.” honoria sed, “yes, i’ve heard all about my jeremy’s tainted past & his little altercation w/april patterson, whom every1 seems 2 like so much. but he’z all past that. he’z a good boy & he haz the certificate 2 prove it.” shannon sed, “i…don’t…b-lieve…that…certificate.” honoria sed, “well, since ur such a good friend 2 jeremy, 2 help 2 keep him frum makin’ ne mistakes, y don’t u sit down & have lunch w/us?” shannon sed, “i…think…i…like…ur…gf, jeremy.” i wuz ‘bout 2 say sumthin’ ‘bout that, wen honoria sed, “jeremy. u shud say ‘thank you 4 the compliment, shannon’.” i sed, “thank you 4 the compliment, shannon’.”

    then honoria sed, “how’s ur boiled egg?” i sed, “surprisingly forceful.” honoria sed, “i knew u’d like it.”

    & thass kinda how lunch went.

     

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am having a terrible day, I knew you would be happy to hear it, so I thought I would tell you.

    Well after I did that cleaning I got into my PJs, to go to bed, well Mike saw me and was like, "Why are you in your nightclothes, it's only 7:30," and I said, "I heard that early to bed and early to rise makes a woman healthy, wealthy, and slims her thighs," and Mike busted out laughing, and told me that's not what the saying was, which kind of explains why even though I have been trying to sleep at least 12 hours a night for the last several months my thighs are still like flabby tree trunks, so I went to my room and hugged my stuffed bunny and cried until I fell asleep.

    Then when I woke up in the morning, the granola was gone again, I knew it was you, April, who ate it all, you have been racing to the granola box every morning since that day you were a snot about it, anyhow, I sat down at the table and started to stab myself in the hand with a pencil, when Dee came in, and she asked if I had sterilized the pencil, because unsterilized wounding instruments are the leading cause of infection in self-mutilaters, which she learned in pharmacy school, and while she was washing the pencil in Lysol, she asked why I was stabbing myself, and I told her, "There are no pains without grains," and so if I had pain, surely the cereal box would fill with granola again, well Dee told me it didn't work like that and I misunderstood and she gave me some Cheerios and sent me to school.

    Well then at school some of my kids were having trouble with grammar again, every day they come in talking like rappers and every day I teach them better but then they go home and listen to the radio and come back talking all ghetto again, even though we've had 19 straight school days of nothing but English grammar, well this one kid complained that grammar is too hard, so I knew just what to do to fix that, I took off all my clothes, and all the kids were staring at me, and I was trying to teach grammar but they weren't listening, so I told them to take off all their clothes, and just then the principal came by and said, "What are you doing, Miss Patterson?!?" and I explained my teaching secret I heard somewhere once, which is, "Cloth makes all things difficult, but industry all things easy," so of course if we have our clothes off, learning will be easier, well the principal said, "That's not how that proverb goes, Miss Patterson," and I was so confused and upset, but we got dressed and finished the lesson because I am an excellent teacher, even through tears.

    After work I needed an oil change so I went over to Mayes Midtown Motors and while I was waiting, I sat down to do this sampler Dee got me started on, she is such a sewing fanatic, well Anthony came in and saw what I was doing and he asked me if I wanted to maybe go out to dinner later, but I told him I couldn't, I needed to get a lot of sewing done, and he asked me why the sewing was so urgent, and I told him, "A stitch in time saves wine," and it would be a shame to spill any wine, especially since I have the feeling my annual get together with Candace and Rudy might be coming up soon and we always drink at that, anyway, Anthony said, "I'd better get back to work," and started to hurry away and I told him to slow down, he looked hopeful and asked why, and I said, "Remember, haste makes paste, you don't want to get glued down to the floor," and he gave me a weird look and walked away slowly.

    Well then I went home and saw Shiimsa, she was sitting in the window looking out, and then I noticed this other cat in the backyard, and Shiimsa was making lovey-dovey eyes at it, I think it was that Duncan Anderson's cat, anyway, I grabbed Shiimsa up and she started to growl and slash but I told her as I put her in her carrier and then hid the carrier in my closet, "A cat in love catches no mice!" and I want her to learn to catch mice in case there are some in that basement apartment I rented, there are already lots of centipedes and spiders so who knows what else could be there?

    Anyway, like I said, it has been a weird day.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, scroll up and read mike's post. he's the one who used up the granola and milk. i was stuck w/toast again. btw, i picked up a book 4 u when i was working @ lilliput's this afternoon. it's called dictionary of proverbs. cuz u seem 2 b getting yrself in trub by getting yr proverbs a bit wrong, eh?

    howard, that helps xxplain, thanx.

    mike, y do u go blaming me like that? obvs yr empty praise of lizzie's punning didn't help nething.

    jeremy, it's not v. nice of honoria 2 keep saying i'm boring. not cube.

    apes

     

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    "Boring" isn't the worst thing someone can call someone. Like, for example, Mater calls me "Pear-Shaped Piggy," just because I'm a size two on top and a four on the bottom. Mater tells me I won't be "acceptable" until I'm a size 0 all around. I wouldn't mind being boring if I could be a boring size 0.

    Honoria

     

  • At 6:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, that's terrible! yr mom shdn't treat u like that, but i know it's not poss 2 change her. try 2 remind yrself that u can get away sumday!!!

    apes

     

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