April's Real Blog

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I'm back an' Mom shdn't have pets

Man, I M so tired 2day, I can't even tell U! When Dr. Artemis an' I left 4 Corbeil on Thurs. AM, I was all, "But I can't just B missing 2 days of school like that! It's v. v. imporant 4 me 2 do well, esp. in math and sci, cuz I wanna get in2 a gd vet school!" Dr. A was all, "Don't worry abt a thing. We've made arrangements 2 have Duncan Anderson catch U up on what U missed when U return." So, like, l8 last nite, after I'd been crashed 4 a while, my fone woke me up and it was Dunc saying I'd better get over 2 his house cuz they covered lotsa big stuff in school on Thurs and Fri.

So I went over 2 his house and we went over our assignment sheets. There were like a zillion math probs 2 do, and there's a project coming up in sci. We dug rite in and we were studying like, 4evs. Dunc's mom brought us sum delish snax while we studied, but I was having trub focusing after my s00per-weird few days. We were still working on the sci stuff around 3 AM, and we musta fallen asleep, cuz @ like 7 this morning, I woke up @ the Anderson kitchen table, my head using our sci text as a pillow. I have a hella sore neck!

So after having sum granola, I headed back home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Mom was all yelling @ me, pting @ my shoez just cuz they were a bit muddy. She didn't even notice the big string of drool dropping outta my mouth (I was kinda falling back asleep while standing, which was hella weird, but xxplains the droolies). A bit l8r, Dad came in from whatevs it was he was doing, w/a yucky runny nose, and I was all, "Stay outta Mom's way, Pop. ...She's acting like a real animal!" Which, come 2 think of it, is a real insult 2 animals.

But Mom heard me, and she came running, and she sed she was just upset cuz the animals had been acting up all morning. Eddy came in from the pouring rain, and even tho she was thinking "Don't shake, Eddy!" really really hard, the dog shook NEway. Then Buttsy chomped on an electric cord again (but only cuz Mom removed the special tape I'd put on 2 stop her from doing that, yo!). Then, Eddy blocked the laundry-room doorway, so Mom tripped on him as she came outta there. Then, she found Buttsy kicking up shavings from her cage, getting them all over Mom's floor as she was getting ready 2 use sum "Kleen" spray sumwhere. She found Dixierat sleeping on the chesterfield an' yelled @ her, and a mo l8r discovered Shiimsa climbing up a curtain. That's when I arrived an' got yelled @. Poor animals. Mom shd not co-exist w/pets.

So, my trip. When we got up 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living in Corbeil, I got this creepy feeling that I'd seen this place B4. Then I realized this was cuz I'd seen pix on the website Steph maintains 4 Mom. Steph took me in2 an office in the main bldg, and there was this woman who looked like Mom after being on Extreme Makeover. U know, smaller nose, smaller butt, hair cut shorter and lightened, stuff like that. Weird. And she noticed me lookin' @ a pic she had in a frame, sum1 who looked like Liz, only with darker hair and a spark of life in her eyes. She was all, "I C U R looking @ a picture of my daughter, Kate. Kate is a lovely girl, but sadly she doesn't take my advice. She never went into teaching and she didn't stay close 2 home. Instead, she moved off 2 Vancouver, just like my son Aaron, the anti-Michael, had done yrs B4." She held up a pic of a guy who looked kinda like Mike, but slightly chubbier, w/a beard and mustache and a look on his face that made me think he didn't take himself 2 seriously. I had this weird feeling, like I wanted 2 B their sister, but that there was no way.

"April, I know what U're thinking," this woman sed, "but no, I never had a third child, unlike yr mother. But B4 I go in2 NE of that, I feel I shd introduce myself, even tho I know U better than NE1." She xxtended her hand 2 shake it. "Lynn. Lynn Johnston." As I shook her hand, I felt this weird, nearly electric-shock kinda feeling. "Pls," she sed, pting 2 a chair across fr. her desk. "Have a seat. Dr. Artemis, pls xxcuse us 4 a moment. I'm sure Nancy and Liuba have sum snaxx 4 U." Dr. A left, and I sat down.

I was like, "So, Lynn, Y am I here?"" And she was totally, "Please. Call me Mrs. Johnston."

Me: Sorry Mrs. Johnston.

LJ: No problem. I blame yr mother. For many, many things. Yr mother has clearly lost interest in U, I h8 2 say. Yr Dad, 2. There are sum important things they're 2 lazy 2 help U with.

Me: Am I going 2 live here now?

LJ [hysterical laughter] : Me, with a teenangster creature underfoot again? No way! I've got trips 2 Mexico and Spanish lessons 2 keep me bizzy. No, no, April, we're going 2 take care of sum bizness and then send U back new and improved.

Me: But I don't want--

LJ [angry] : Pls, never interrupt me!

Me: Sorry.

LJ: Again, I blame yr mother. I think I'll make her arse extra fat 2day. [Gets an evil grin on her face and starts sketching really fast on a sketch pad. Holds up a pic of my mom w/a miserable look on her face and a huge butt.]

Me: ::Gasp:: [Laughter]

LJ: I know, right? But don't 4get, I can use these powers against U, 2!

Me: Zits. Hair. Regressing 2 babyhood. . . .

LJ [impatient]: Yes, yes. I'm glad U understand. Anyway, April. As you can tell, yr parents can barely keep in their heads the idea that they have a 3rd child. And I have 2 confess, I haven't taken much of an interest in U since U stopped being Aypo. Boy were U cute! How I mourn the little coveralls-clad girl with the pageboy haircut, Farley @ her side. U were just full of beans, and U sed the darndest things! If only we cd have frozen U in time then, while letting the rest progress in real time. But that wdn't have been logical. Cursed logic! @ least this all has taught me that it's a good thing I wasn't able 2 have a third baby of my own, even tho 4 a while there I really wished I cd. Having Elly Patterson give birth 2 a l8-life "oops" baby was the next best thing. But U had 2 go an' grow up, and now U R a 16-yr-old w/2 more yrs 2 go B4 uni, and yr parents R cracking from not being able 2 go in2 "empty nester" life like my Rod and I have.

Me: Rod, is he that guy in the picture over there, who loox so much like Dad?

LJ: Duh. He's also a train nut and dentist. Tho unlike yr Dad he's already retired. Which makes yr Dad v. jealous, by the way.

Me: I'm not surprised.

LJ: Of course not. I mite not B that interested in U NEmore, but I did make U much smarter than Michael and Elizabeth. Poor saps. Oh, don't look so shocked. The strain of making them do all the things I wanted Aaron and Katie 2 do has made them both a bit dim. Michael and Elizabeth that is. Aaron and Katie have a will of their own, but they're also smart and resourceful. What a shame I cdn't pick and choose their attributes.

Me: But then U'd have a Mike and Liz.

LJ: Good pt. I really did make U smarter than Mike and Liz.

Me: So, where shd I live, @ the old house w/Mike an' Dee, or w/Mom @ Dad @ the teeny-tiny train house?

LJ [laughing]: Teeny-tiny train house! U slay me! But that's sumthing U need 2 figure out yrself. In fact, when yr memory clears up, U will probably realize that U already made a decision during this endless story that U and Mike have been recounting on yr blog, abt buying or not buying the Stibbs house.

Me: U know abt my blog?

LJ [rolls eyes]: Come on, now, April! Of course I know about it! Don't worry 2 much abt that, tho. It's not as if I actually read it myself. Steph checks in on it now and then, tho mostly 2 make sure U and yr friends R not viol8ing my copyrights or hotlinking 2 images on yr Mom's website. Every now and then, she gives me a v. v. general summary as 2 what U R discussing and how long it takes 2 tell a story.

Me: Oh.

LJ: Yeah, and I love a story that's stretched out, so when I hear it is taking U four weeks 2 tell the events of one day? Awesum! But don't worry. Yr mom doesn't know abt yr blog, and if she ever found out, she'd 4get an instant l8r. Yr mom h8's "the box" even more than I do.

Me: Yeah.

LJ: NEway, down 2 bizness. U need a larger array of childhood sweethearts, in case yr established ones turn out 2 B duds (C Patterson, Elizabeth as cautionary tale). And U need 2 turn Jeremy Jones 2 gd, 2 make him a suitable contender.

Me: But he's already. . .

LJ [irises turning red; voice coming out deep, male, and loud]: What did I say abt interrupting?

Me: Sorry, Mrs. Johnston.

LJ [back 2 "normal"]: That's better. Now, here's what we have in store 4 U. 2day we're going 2 have two rounds of "speed d8ing." Two rounds 2 fulfill the letter of the "two d8's and desire 2 marry" requirement of Patterson-Richards Accord Childhood Sweetheart laws. The end result of that will B 2 expand yr "childhood sweetheart" pool 2 a total of six potential Patterson spouses. Currently, U have 3: Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe (curse him for that already-established last name!), Duncan Anderson, and, pending conversion 2 "good," Jeremy Jones. U need more. And don't worry abt yung Gerald getting angry or retali8ing against U 4 the speed-dating. His marriage consultant is well aware of these proceedings, and if he acts badly as a result, he understands that I will turn him in2 an animal, such as a dog, monkey, ocelot, or other creature to B named l8r. So he won't act out.

Me: [ . . .]

LJ: Thank U 4 not interrupting. The speed d8ing will take most of 2day. 2morrow, U will go thru a sort of Patterson boot-camp training. And Saturday's goal will B conversion of Jeremy Jones 2 good. [Buzzes an intercom] Liuba, come in and show April 2 her quarters. It's going 2 B an intensive 3 days 4 her.

I will tell U the rest l8r. I'm getting sleepy again! Howard, I'm sorry, but I don't remember what I d-cided abt the house sitch.


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  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it wuz a long day yesterday. wen i got home & hadda go 2 the kool haus 4 work, i suddenly realized i had been up 4 24 hours goin’ 2 corbeil & back.

    kool haus had all ages show 4 clap your hands and say yeah with elvis perkins in dearland @8 pm, then tall paul @midnight for the 19+ show. it’s seems kinda funny i wud work the 19+ show, but az u know, wen u look 40, nobody ever cards u2 find out ur 16 & nobody evah questionz y ur takin’ a passenger on ur motorcycle w/ur m1 licence either.

    vanessa & the v-girls & v-boys, ncludin’ vicki simone & gordie duroccher were there last nite @the all ages show. they were n2 it. they were shakin’ & electrified & tripping out & kickin’ w/their feet & jumpin’ up & down on chesterfields & it seemed like they were climbin’ the curtains. & the floor wuz a little muddy frum peeps' feet comin' outa the rain & stuff, but no1 got hurt.

    i tried 2 spend tyme w/vanessa wen i cud, but it wuz 2 bizzy. vanessa seemed 2b rilly happ 2 tell my corbeil story & the v-girls seemed 2b xxcited i wuz victimificant again. that is all the v-girls xxcept vicki who said she wuz rilly worried ‘bout u, & she wud prolly c if u wunted 2 go 2 horny t’s & talk ‘bout it.

    the group wunted 2 stay 4 the 2nd show of tall paul, no relation 2 constable paul wright; but they were 2 young & vanessa went w/vicki & gordie home. then az i wuz gettin’ ready 2 start the show, the guy @the front gate sed there wuz sum1 who wunted 2 talk 2 me. i went ovah & there wuz zandra larson. she sed 2 me, “i have a friend who rilly wunts 2c tall paul. can u get us in?” so i sed, “a boy friend?” zandra sed, “he’z rilly close 2 me.” so i took zandra 2 a side hall where no1 wuz lookin’ & sed, “get ur friend & come ovah here & i’ll sneak u in.” this is cause zandra iz 18 years old & not old enuff 4 a 19+ show. she sed, “my friend iz w/me & she opened up her raincoat & there wuz wilco the rabbit sittin’ in 1 of the big pockets. i sed, “wilco iz a tall paul fan?” she sed, “yes, jeremy. & i promised him if he didn’t kick shavings all ovah the house or bite on electric cords, he cud c tall paul.” i sed, “ok. come w/me.” so i snuck her in, & she & wilco stayed pretty close 2 the sound booth while i wuz workin’. tall paul wuz good. wen zandra wuz leavin’ she came up 2 me & sed, “wilco wunts u2 know he owes u a favour & all u hafta do is ask.” i sed, “ok.” cuz i cudn’t figger out wut i wud need a favour frum a highly-trained rabbit 4. then zandra kissed me & sed, “thanx frum me 2.” then she left & i wuz rilly glad vanessa wuzn’t there 2c that. but there were all kindsa conflictin’ thots in my head. u know, cuz wen a girl kisses u, u don’t wanna think she mighta only done it 2 thank me cuz she wuz actin’ like a real animal wunted 2 thank me, in this case a highly-trained rabbit.

  • At 11:28 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Little sis. I would say formerly little sis, but today, for some reason, you looked like you were 12 again. From your description of mom’s activities, it sounded like a very good time to have taken the children to visit their other grandmother. It is difficult to tolerate being around Mira Sobinski, particularly after she has given you $20,000 for a downpayment on a house, and she showers my children with presents and affection when they visit. The whole time we were there, she didn’t say one word about the money, just like she never mentioned the money she gave us back in 2003, when I had just been fired from my Portrait Magazine job. The woman just does not understand money.

    However, as much as I loathe admitting it, when mom is on one of her “cleaning and screaming at everyone” binges, I would actually rather spend time with Mira. Deanna says my children are the same way. She says they were surprised that the Grandma Elly, who used to play with them when they visited, hasn’t played with them the whole time they have been living with her; and when she screams at things, it makes them cry. I grew up with it, but I remember the terror that screaming used to send me to also. The only one who plays with the children, aside from Deanna and me and the dogs, is you. I suppose I could count the time when dad picks up Merrie and hugs her for a long time, but I don’t. I really hope you decide to live with Deanna and me, after we buy the house from mom and dad.

    Deanna hasn’t revealed to Mira that we plan to buy the house from mom and dad, which is part of our usual practice of not telling her anything going on with our lives until we absolutely have to. With the children’s reactions to mom, I expect she would be upset we would be living so close to her, and Deanna doesn’t want to hear her mother complain about anything else.

    As for your trip to Corbeil and your conversation with Mrs. Johnston, you have to understand that she is a great humourist. So, when she tells you about my intelligence, she is just joking. Believe me, whenever she talked to me about that Aaron guy she likes to compare me to, she prefers me by far, and says she wishes he made the same smart decisions I have. Now that you are back, I expect to see great improvements in you. The “animals” pun was not too bad and a sure sign you are moving to become all you can be.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, vicks sent me a txt suggesting me meet @ horny t's 4 coffee and convo. i'm on my way there and u're welcome 2 join us if u like.

    big thanx 2 u, howard, and becks 4 rescuing me yesterday.

    mike, don't get 2 xxcited. i've had an antidote. oh, and u can tell yrself whatevs u want 2 help yrself feel better abt what mrs. johnston told me abt u. i understand.


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, vanessa wunts 2 go 2 the horny t's w/me, cuz vicki iz there. if she starts talkin' 2 much 'bout stuff u don't wanna talk 'bout we'll leave & let u & vicks talk it out.

    i saw ur message 2 ur bro, since it wuz in the same message 2 me. i gotta say, frum wut i saw u go through over the weekend, i think ur prolly foolin' urself if u think an "antidote" is gonna do it, like u told ur bro, & i have the sore ear 2 prove. by the way, if u go 4 my ear, i am not responsible 4 wut may happ.

  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Little sis. An antidote after your weekend in Corbeil? Please. The next thing you’ll be telling me mom is patient with the animals. I know you’re talking with your little friends about all the things you learned, but if you ever want to talk to someone who has been through the experience, you can talk to me or Elizabeth. OK. Just me. The last time I talked to Elizabeth, she was busy circling newspaper apartment advertisements and all she said when I talked to her was, “Are ready for some more cramps?” Her conversational skills leave a little to be desired, even for a Patterson.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, howard told me that the needle he jabbed me w/just b4 we started our drive back was the antidote. y r u acting like this is sumthing i m making up?

    mike, btw, just cuz mrs. johnston thinks u r less intelligent than aaron, doesn't mean she doesn't like u more. she def likes u more, and she clearly likes u much more than she likes me. so u don't hafta b smart 4 mrs. johnston 2 like u. if nething, it's the other way around.


  • At 11:16 PM, Anonymous Rob Wilco said…


    Your Mom definitely is not cut out to have pets, if dogs on the couch and cats on the drapes get her that worked up. Just his weekend, I had to take Satchel to the emergency veterinary service because he ate a yo-yo and a big wad of newspaper. Apparently he thought they were food. Now I have a $400 vet bill and Bucky is making Satchel wear the Cubs baseball hat as a dunce cap.

    I'd be glad to a little dog hair on the couch as my biggest pet-related problem.


  • At 1:39 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, now both my ears hurt.


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