Thanx, Iris!

I'm back! God, was that weird. U mite remember I'd been sent off 2 that Johnston Institute For Better Living re-education camp, which was being held in Cozumel, Mexico, since the JIFBL peeps were on vacation there. The camp was supposed 2 last 4 a weekend, but since I didn't get "converted" @ the end of the weekend, they were gonna xxtend my time there 4 @ least a wk. I escaped and stowed away on a ship, the Windbreaker, that was transporting tortillas 2 Barbados. The ship cook, er "chef," found me and forced me 2 B his assistant. No, "sous-chef." That was insane.

So, U mite know from the comments Howard tried 2 save me. He did a heroic rescue attempt Saturday nite, but the JIFBL security detail intervened. But a simple request from Iris turned everything around, as Howard revealed in his most recent comment:

April,

It was so good to see you briefly yesterday when you came in from your ship board adventures. You didn’t look any worse for wear, except for the odour of meat about you. Personally, I am quite delighted when a plan so utterly simple works.

I was visiting your Grandpa Jim and your step-grandmother Iris and listening to Iris’ usual round of complaints about how she has to take care of Grandpa Jim all by herself. Then I related to Iris your difficulties in being sent off to a weekend camp, which lasted more than a weekend, and how you escaped onto a tortilla boat headed for Barbados, and how your rescue attempt failed. I don’t think Iris really believed that story.

Well, then Iris launched into a discussion about how the scuttlebutt was that according to officially witnessed occurrence, you had not visited with your Grandpa Jim even one time since you turned 16. I was, to be frank, surprised that the officially witnessed occurrence would try to paint you, previously the award-winner in grandfather visiting, in such a negative light. Iris said, “Well, Coward (her name for me), if you really want April back, I will call up Elly and tell her I desperately need someone to serve Jim tea and not coffee and to help him learn to count to two, and to bring Dixie over for a visit. That should have April back in no time.”

I said, “I don’t get it.” Iris said, “Coward, dear, if you notice I said tea and not coffee. Elly will have nothing to do with an occasion if coffee is not involved. Plus she hates those education exercises with Jim almost as much as I do. I hate them more because I have actually done them. And then there is Dixie, who is, shall we say to be polite, not Elly’s favourite dog, especially with her lack of bowel control after a visit with us. I think it’s fairly safe to say April will be home pretty quickly.”

A quick phone call from Iris to your mom and the next thing I know, you’re back. Sometimes it’s not who you know, but how much who you know hates to do something.

Love,
Howard Bunt

So, just when I thot all was lost, since that security deet was abt 2 take me back 2 that awful camp, one of the security peeps got a call on his radio, and was like, "Roger that!" Then he helicoptered me 2 an airport, where there was a private jet waiting 4 me, w/a drawing of Edgar, Dixie, Butterscotch, and Shiimsa, and the JIFBL logo on the side.

Guess who was on the jet? The Witch of Corbeil! She was sipping coffee from a handleless mug, and she gestured to a seat and said, strap in, April. Back to Milborough for you."

I said, "No more camp?"

She shook her hed. "Nope. We can't have Iris Richards saying U're not an ideal granddaughter NEmore. B-sides, U R probably incorrigible. Our scientists suspect that when U ingested that antidote 2 the Corbeil Kool Aid last April...."

"U know abt that?"

"I know all!" She shouted that in a kind of Wizard of Oz voice. "NEway, the scientists think the antidote gave you a boosted immunity 2 our re-education tactics. Plus, I have decided to retire 4 real this time. More or less. I mite tinker with the past a bit. Wd U like sum granola with soy milk?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks."

"C, I'm a very nice person!"

"Yeah," I sed, thinking how good granola wd B rite around then.

NEway, the plane took us rite in2 the Milborough airport that Gordo had built last month, and I got sent home by a car service. The driver w8ed as I went in 2 shower, change,and make a batch of cookies, and then took me 2 Gramps and Iris's place.

So here's what happed @ Gramps and Iris's place. Iris was all, "Hmph! So U do remember we xxist!"

I was like, "Thanx 4 getting me rescued, Iris!"

"Of course, dear! Let's make sum tea."

After we'd had tea, I asked Gramps if he wanted another, and he sed, "Yes." When I brot the tea over, I also brot a plate w/2 cookies, and sed, "I also brot U a couple of cookies." Gramps looked @ the plate and thot-bubbled, "Two. " I think he was disappointed that I hadn't put more on his plate, but Iris wdn't let me.

He thot bubbled "two" again, while holding up two fingers.

I was all, "Iris!!! Grandpa put up two fingers!! I gave him two cookies and he put up two fingers!!" Iris came over just as Gramps thot bubbled, "I can also sit up, beg, and roll over." He looked kinda fish-eyed when he was thinking this, and I felt bad, like I'd blundered almost as bad as when Mike asked Iris if Gramps was crazy just cuz Gramps had used a swear word in Mike's delicate presence.

Oh, BTW. While I was in the shower, Mom called Liz 2 tell her I was back. Liz let out a "NOOOOOOOOO!" so loud, I cd hear it thru the phone and over the shower sound. When I was baking the cookies, Liz came over and sed, "I'm taking the Aprilbot with me!" And she totally did.

Apes

Liz berates herself while driving

Liz told me that on her way driving home from coffee w/Anthony (when he declined her offer 2 "escort" her 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding and revealed he'd been invited and asked a co-worker 2 go w/him), Liz found herself thinking, "DUMB, DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!" All in large, bold caps. Then she thot, "OF COURSE Anthony received an invitation 2 Shawna-Marie's wedding! OF COURSE he's going 2 invite sum1 else! he's not going 2 hang around 4ever w8ing 4 ME!!" Then the car behind her started honking at her, and the Howard-looking guy in the car 2 her rite was all, "Hey, lady! U got a green lite! What's wrong w/U?!!" Which surely wasn't xxpected 2 garner NE response, but Liz sez she clenched her eyez shut, unhinged her jaw, and yelled, "I'm a total IDIOT!"

Weird how Liz cd go thru an entire d8 w/Ger last nite and not realize he was Ger, even w/the fakey mustache. Liz: That was my bf, Gerald. He calls his dad "Pater" and his mother "Mater." He wasn't saying "Peter" and "Maytel."

Gah, I can't believe I was forced in2 that awful cinnamon bun/min-golf d8 w/Anthony last nite. Thanx 4 rescuing me, Howard and Becky. Kinda turned the tables on Anth there, eh? And OMG, can that guy talk abt himself, himself, himself. My head still hurts!

Apes

Warren being busy

After Liz finished xxplaining 2 Mom that the move 2 the choo-choo house, and Mike an' Dee taking over our house, were really happening and not just a theory, the fone rang and I answered it. It was Warren, 4 Liz. So I told Liz, who was brushing Edgar (since that was one of her chores that day). I hadta load the dishwasher, and while I was doing that, I heard Liz's side of the convo, where she was all, "Hi,Warren! ...Really? But I thot U had the weekend off? ....Oh. How long will U B in Yellowknife? Wow. So, I guess I won't C U 4 a while! Hey, no problem! Work B4 pleasure! Take care of yrself, OK? C ya!" Then, after she'd clicked the fone back in2 its cradle, she stuck her tongue out @ the fone, all, "BWAPPBLFTT!"

Jeremy, thanx sooooooooooooo much w/yr help sitting the littles. I was able 2 get lotsa h'work dun while U played hide an' seek and handled bedtime. Sorry U hadta get stuck w/an impromptu Liz grammar lesson and w/Mom's compulsive furniture choosing. Yeah, most ppl who come over wanna get away w/out having 2 talkta Mom.

Howard and Becky: Wow! Congrats on Becky scoring that duet w/Mizz Candy Rapper. Yeah, I'm not surprised 2 hear that she an' Brandy R actually v. smart and educ8ed, but I sure bet Liz will B!

Apes

I'm back an' Mom shdn't have pets

Man, I M so tired 2day, I can't even tell U! When Dr. Artemis an' I left 4 Corbeil on Thurs. AM, I was all, "But I can't just B missing 2 days of school like that! It's v. v. imporant 4 me 2 do well, esp. in math and sci, cuz I wanna get in2 a gd vet school!" Dr. A was all, "Don't worry abt a thing. We've made arrangements 2 have Duncan Anderson catch U up on what U missed when U return." So, like, l8 last nite, after I'd been crashed 4 a while, my fone woke me up and it was Dunc saying I'd better get over 2 his house cuz they covered lotsa big stuff in school on Thurs and Fri.

So I went over 2 his house and we went over our assignment sheets. There were like a zillion math probs 2 do, and there's a project coming up in sci. We dug rite in and we were studying like, 4evs. Dunc's mom brought us sum delish snax while we studied, but I was having trub focusing after my s00per-weird few days. We were still working on the sci stuff around 3 AM, and we musta fallen asleep, cuz @ like 7 this morning, I woke up @ the Anderson kitchen table, my head using our sci text as a pillow. I have a hella sore neck!

So after having sum granola, I headed back home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Mom was all yelling @ me, pting @ my shoez just cuz they were a bit muddy. She didn't even notice the big string of drool dropping outta my mouth (I was kinda falling back asleep while standing, which was hella weird, but xxplains the droolies). A bit l8r, Dad came in from whatevs it was he was doing, w/a yucky runny nose, and I was all, "Stay outta Mom's way, Pop. ...She's acting like a real animal!" Which, come 2 think of it, is a real insult 2 animals.

But Mom heard me, and she came running, and she sed she was just upset cuz the animals had been acting up all morning. Eddy came in from the pouring rain, and even tho she was thinking "Don't shake, Eddy!" really really hard, the dog shook NEway. Then Buttsy chomped on an electric cord again (but only cuz Mom removed the special tape I'd put on 2 stop her from doing that, yo!). Then, Eddy blocked the laundry-room doorway, so Mom tripped on him as she came outta there. Then, she found Buttsy kicking up shavings from her cage, getting them all over Mom's floor as she was getting ready 2 use sum "Kleen" spray sumwhere. She found Dixierat sleeping on the chesterfield an' yelled @ her, and a mo l8r discovered Shiimsa climbing up a curtain. That's when I arrived an' got yelled @. Poor animals. Mom shd not co-exist w/pets.

So, my trip. When we got up 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living in Corbeil, I got this creepy feeling that I'd seen this place B4. Then I realized this was cuz I'd seen pix on the website Steph maintains 4 Mom. Steph took me in2 an office in the main bldg, and there was this woman who looked like Mom after being on Extreme Makeover. U know, smaller nose, smaller butt, hair cut shorter and lightened, stuff like that. Weird. And she noticed me lookin' @ a pic she had in a frame, sum1 who looked like Liz, only with darker hair and a spark of life in her eyes. She was all, "I C U R looking @ a picture of my daughter, Kate. Kate is a lovely girl, but sadly she doesn't take my advice. She never went into teaching and she didn't stay close 2 home. Instead, she moved off 2 Vancouver, just like my son Aaron, the anti-Michael, had done yrs B4." She held up a pic of a guy who looked kinda like Mike, but slightly chubbier, w/a beard and mustache and a look on his face that made me think he didn't take himself 2 seriously. I had this weird feeling, like I wanted 2 B their sister, but that there was no way.

"April, I know what U're thinking," this woman sed, "but no, I never had a third child, unlike yr mother. But B4 I go in2 NE of that, I feel I shd introduce myself, even tho I know U better than NE1." She xxtended her hand 2 shake it. "Lynn. Lynn Johnston." As I shook her hand, I felt this weird, nearly electric-shock kinda feeling. "Pls," she sed, pting 2 a chair across fr. her desk. "Have a seat. Dr. Artemis, pls xxcuse us 4 a moment. I'm sure Nancy and Liuba have sum snaxx 4 U." Dr. A left, and I sat down.

I was like, "So, Lynn, Y am I here?"" And she was totally, "Please. Call me Mrs. Johnston."

Me: Sorry Mrs. Johnston.

LJ: No problem. I blame yr mother. For many, many things. Yr mother has clearly lost interest in U, I h8 2 say. Yr Dad, 2. There are sum important things they're 2 lazy 2 help U with.

Me: Am I going 2 live here now?

LJ [hysterical laughter] : Me, with a teenangster creature underfoot again? No way! I've got trips 2 Mexico and Spanish lessons 2 keep me bizzy. No, no, April, we're going 2 take care of sum bizness and then send U back new and improved.

Me: But I don't want--

LJ [angry] : Pls, never interrupt me!

Me: Sorry.

LJ: Again, I blame yr mother. I think I'll make her arse extra fat 2day. [Gets an evil grin on her face and starts sketching really fast on a sketch pad. Holds up a pic of my mom w/a miserable look on her face and a huge butt.]

Me: ::Gasp:: [Laughter]

LJ: I know, right? But don't 4get, I can use these powers against U, 2!

Me: Zits. Hair. Regressing 2 babyhood. . . .

LJ [impatient]: Yes, yes. I'm glad U understand. Anyway, April. As you can tell, yr parents can barely keep in their heads the idea that they have a 3rd child. And I have 2 confess, I haven't taken much of an interest in U since U stopped being Aypo. Boy were U cute! How I mourn the little coveralls-clad girl with the pageboy haircut, Farley @ her side. U were just full of beans, and U sed the darndest things! If only we cd have frozen U in time then, while letting the rest progress in real time. But that wdn't have been logical. Cursed logic! @ least this all has taught me that it's a good thing I wasn't able 2 have a third baby of my own, even tho 4 a while there I really wished I cd. Having Elly Patterson give birth 2 a l8-life "oops" baby was the next best thing. But U had 2 go an' grow up, and now U R a 16-yr-old w/2 more yrs 2 go B4 uni, and yr parents R cracking from not being able 2 go in2 "empty nester" life like my Rod and I have.

Me: Rod, is he that guy in the picture over there, who loox so much like Dad?

LJ: Duh. He's also a train nut and dentist. Tho unlike yr Dad he's already retired. Which makes yr Dad v. jealous, by the way.

Me: I'm not surprised.

LJ: Of course not. I mite not B that interested in U NEmore, but I did make U much smarter than Michael and Elizabeth. Poor saps. Oh, don't look so shocked. The strain of making them do all the things I wanted Aaron and Katie 2 do has made them both a bit dim. Michael and Elizabeth that is. Aaron and Katie have a will of their own, but they're also smart and resourceful. What a shame I cdn't pick and choose their attributes.

Me: But then U'd have a Mike and Liz.

LJ: Good pt. I really did make U smarter than Mike and Liz.

Me: So, where shd I live, @ the old house w/Mike an' Dee, or w/Mom @ Dad @ the teeny-tiny train house?

LJ [laughing]: Teeny-tiny train house! U slay me! But that's sumthing U need 2 figure out yrself. In fact, when yr memory clears up, U will probably realize that U already made a decision during this endless story that U and Mike have been recounting on yr blog, abt buying or not buying the Stibbs house.

Me: U know abt my blog?

LJ [rolls eyes]: Come on, now, April! Of course I know about it! Don't worry 2 much abt that, tho. It's not as if I actually read it myself. Steph checks in on it now and then, tho mostly 2 make sure U and yr friends R not viol8ing my copyrights or hotlinking 2 images on yr Mom's website. Every now and then, she gives me a v. v. general summary as 2 what U R discussing and how long it takes 2 tell a story.

Me: Oh.

LJ: Yeah, and I love a story that's stretched out, so when I hear it is taking U four weeks 2 tell the events of one day? Awesum! But don't worry. Yr mom doesn't know abt yr blog, and if she ever found out, she'd 4get an instant l8r. Yr mom h8's "the box" even more than I do.

Me: Yeah.

LJ: NEway, down 2 bizness. U need a larger array of childhood sweethearts, in case yr established ones turn out 2 B duds (C Patterson, Elizabeth as cautionary tale). And U need 2 turn Jeremy Jones 2 gd, 2 make him a suitable contender.

Me: But he's already. . .

LJ [irises turning red; voice coming out deep, male, and loud]: What did I say abt interrupting?

Me: Sorry, Mrs. Johnston.

LJ [back 2 "normal"]: That's better. Now, here's what we have in store 4 U. 2day we're going 2 have two rounds of "speed d8ing." Two rounds 2 fulfill the letter of the "two d8's and desire 2 marry" requirement of Patterson-Richards Accord Childhood Sweetheart laws. The end result of that will B 2 expand yr "childhood sweetheart" pool 2 a total of six potential Patterson spouses. Currently, U have 3: Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe (curse him for that already-established last name!), Duncan Anderson, and, pending conversion 2 "good," Jeremy Jones. U need more. And don't worry abt yung Gerald getting angry or retali8ing against U 4 the speed-dating. His marriage consultant is well aware of these proceedings, and if he acts badly as a result, he understands that I will turn him in2 an animal, such as a dog, monkey, ocelot, or other creature to B named l8r. So he won't act out.

Me: [ . . .]

LJ: Thank U 4 not interrupting. The speed d8ing will take most of 2day. 2morrow, U will go thru a sort of Patterson boot-camp training. And Saturday's goal will B conversion of Jeremy Jones 2 good. [Buzzes an intercom] Liuba, come in and show April 2 her quarters. It's going 2 B an intensive 3 days 4 her.

I will tell U the rest l8r. I'm getting sleepy again! Howard, I'm sorry, but I don't remember what I d-cided abt the house sitch.

Apes

Dispatch from Corbeil

Becky, Jeremy, Howard and Mike are here! Becks just threw me her fone so I cd post this 2 U.

So, they've all been posting abt stuff that's happed. Here's the digest. Mike, Thursday nite/Friday wee hrs, wrote:

April,

Formerly little sis. Per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil. I hope your readers appreciate my efforts, but I doubt they will.

We had arrived home after visiting George Stibbs’ house and as my father often likes to do, he decided to summarize his position on the home-buying situation, in the vain hope that everyone would agree with him. As often as he has been doing this, (which is for as long as I can remember), I can’t think of a single instance where this technique worked, and this occasion was no exception. He said, “Well, that was an exciting visit, wasn’t it!...Selling this house to the kids and moving down the street makes sense!”

Then dad looked about and realized no one was saying anything and he said, “Why is everyone so quiet?” What I wanted to say was, “Dad. I never realized your hair was a toupee, and it is sliding off your head, and without it you bear a strange resemblance to Frankenberry.” However, mom stepped in to keep dad from realizing his hair was falling off his head, and she said, “You’re way ahead of us, John! Besides you and I have 30 years of stuff in this house!” Then we all went to silhouette so dad could pull his hair back up in the darkness. Mom continued on by saying, “You’re also forcing Mike and Deanna to make a huge decision!”

I found I actually had a small difficulty with both of mom’s points. Back last year around this time, mom retired and went on a cleaning binge throwing out most of her possessions from the last 30 years. There wasn’t that much stuff left. As for forcing me and Deanna to make a decision, that was not really true, since my wife had been scheming with my dad for the past month to get us into the old house. Deanna elbowed me and said, “Say something!” I said, “It could work mom……I’ve always loved this house.”

This had a positive affect on mom and she regained her calm composure briefly, until you came bounding down the stairs yelling, “WAIT A MINUTE! I LIVE HERE!...WHAT ABOUT ME?!” When Deanna saw you, she said to me, “Who’s that?” I said, “It’s my sister.” Then Deanna said, “You have 3 sisters?” Then I said, “No. That’s April.” And Deanna said, “You’re kidding.” I said, “No, really. This is April at 16.” Deanna said, “You don’t fool me, Michael Patterson. She has her fingers positioned at her armpits, just like someone doing an imitation of a chicken flapping its wings, and she certainly has the topknot for a chicken. Also, her mouth is shaped like a triangular beak. This is really a chicken person, isn’t it?” I said, “No, Deanna. This is really April.” Deanna said, “That’s all wrong. She’s supposed to look prettier at 16 and not like a chicken. I might have to make a call to get someone here to fix this.” Then she did. Whether or not it had something to do with your trip to Corbeil, I don’t know.

For April’s readers, more tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Nope, my trip 2 Corbeil had nuthin' 2 do w/"looking like a chicken." Turns out this was a lighting/weird angle kinda ish.

Then, in the afternoon, Jeremy wrote:

april, i’m rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u. wut u don’t know iz i came home frum my internship @koolhaus last nite, aftah preppin’ the sound 4 the weekend shows & found dr. artemis talkin’ 2 my mom @my house. i cud hear her say 2 my mom, “thass not a bad idea, ms. jones. jeremy & april wud fit 2gethah like fingahz in a mitten.” my mom sed, “u mean like fingahz in a glove.” dr. artemis sed, “that wudn’t make ne sense.”

my mom sed, “u talked ‘bout settin’ up jeremy so he wud b converted 2 good by april, so he wudn’t turn out like his dad. i’d say the potential here is 4 them 2…not the delaney-forsythe boy.” dr. artemis sed, “can u sell jeremy on the idea?” then i walked in on them & i sed, “sell me on wut idea?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis has a suggest, which has merit.—why don’t we think about it?” i sed, “u mean ‘y don’t i think ‘bout it? it looks like u2 already made up ur mind.”

dr. artemis sed, “so sad 2c1 so young & yet so evil. i think ur rite, ms. jones. i will go ahead w/my plan & take april 2 corbeil.” my mom sed, “it wud b the best 4 every1 involved.” then dr. artemis left. i sed, “wut ru tryin’ 2 do, mom?” my mom sed, “don’t play coy w/me, jeremy. i punished u 4 ur part in that gym / jam, & then i heard ‘bout how u called the special needs kids ‘retarded’, w/o givin’ them ne explanation of wut the word means. ur turnin’ out just like ur dad, & i can’t just stand by & let it happ. dr. artemis sez april iz supposed 2 turn u2 good, cuz it’s part of her destiny.”

i sed, “wut is gonna happ 2 april?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis sed she needed 2 take a trip 2 corbeil, where, among othah thingz, she will be properly trained on how2 convert a bully n2 a good person.” i sed, “i don’t needta b converted 2 good. i’m not like my dad.” my mom sed, “thass just wut ur dad wud say.” & thass all she wud say & i cudn’t get her 2 change her mind.

neway, april, i’m rilly, rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u.

Weird, eh?

K, so Friday nite/v. early this morning, Mike was all:

April,

Formerly little sis. Once again, per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil.

After you had made your appearance and entrance into the discussion about buying the Stibbs’ house and moving the families about, as you may have noticed (but possibly not, since your focus was clearly not oriented on anyone except you), mom left our little group muttering something about how her entire family had turned against her and she was going to call someone in Corbeil to fix the problem. Then as it always is when two or more Pattersons are gathered together, coffee cups must be filled and served. Dad even broke out the nicer coffee cups that have visible handles on them, but only three of them. I think this was either because dad considers coffee to be an adult drink, and at 16 years old, you are not an adult in his eyes; or it was because dad was afraid of giving you a hot beverage in your mental state at that time. There is also the possibility that dad can’t count properly, but that seems unlikely.

In any case, as dad was serving up the hot java, I clearly remember you saying, “If you sell this house to Mike and Deanna---where would I go?!” I remember the hand gesture you used and the sudden shift of your body to your right. I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, little sis, but I also remember how your left breast was suddenly quite a bit bigger than your right, and I remember thinking to myself either, “Maybe this is the reason why April is leaning so much.” or “Whoa! Mike! Stop looking at your formerly little sis’ breasts.” I am not sure which one I thought.

Dad didn’t seem to notice your sudden anatomical change, as he was absorbed in coffee-pouring and he answered your question in an indirect way, which is to say he said, “The Stibbs’ house has 2 bedrooms, April.” Of course dad did not say, “And one of those bedrooms would be yours” which I really hoped he would say, so it would make me feel better about some of the ways dad looks at you.

You however, were not done with your physical changes. I remember looking at you, while you said, “But I like it here! I’m not ready to move!!!” Then you seemed to change bodies with one of those sports football guys. This change caught dad’s eye, and I noticed him looking over his shoulder lasciviously at you. I think it was this look which prompted me to say, “Then, you can stay here with us!”

No matter my motivation for extending the invitation, my lovely Deanna jumped on the idea. You may not have noticed it, but Dee grabbed ahold of your left shoulder and looked straight into your eye and said, “We’d LOVE IT if you stayed with us!---Why don’t you stay with us?!!

Later, I asked Deanna why she was so enthusiastic about you staying with us. I know you suspected it was because Deanna wanted you to “be a live-in baby sitter!!!” for us, but the truth of the matter is a little more complicated than that. Back when we lived in Lovey Saltzman’s apartments, if Deanna needed a female voice to talk to, there was always Carleen Stein. Now we have been living in mom’s house for almost 4 months now, the one person Deanna feels comfortable talking is you. The Lizardbreath and my mom never play with the kids, but you do. Liz and my mom never ask Deanna how her day was, but you do. As I looked at you with your bulbous lips looking at my Deanna with her bulbous lips, the thought occurred to me, “I think Deanna has made a new friend.” I think my original reaction might have been more like, “Cheeze. My sister and my wife look more alike every day”, but I threw that idea out because when I thought it, I felt myself looking quite a bit like the Lizardbreath and I certainly did not want to have that transformation take place.

More tomorrow perhaps, formerly little sis. I hope your readers can stand the tension.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Then, l8r, Jeremy wrote this v. interesting post:

april, i'm kinda writin' this more az a record of wut happed than az a post 2u, so peeps will know wut's goin' on. it all started aftah i went out on my group date w/my v-girl vanessa & the v-girls. we didn't go 2c grindhouse like my v-girl vanessa wunted, & vanessa wuz in a bad mood the whole night. she told me i hadda take her 2c grindhouse by ourselves 2 make up 4 it. wen i sed, "duz this make us like bf/gf?", she kinda growled @me & sed sumthin' 'bout havin' me az a bf wud b like b-ing a live-in baby-sitter, so i guess it didn't.

neway i wuz @my house aftah droppin' off vanessa & i wuz in a kinda bad mood. i wuz brushin' my teeth & then this girl who looked like u b4 u turned 16 showed up in my mirror. i looked b-hind me & u weren't there, so i figgered i wuz gettin' a visit frum ur opposite in the mirror world, lirpA. i sed, "what do u want?" cuz i wuz still in a bad mood. she held up a sign written backwards 2 me which sed, "Watch video." then she held up her cell 2 the mirror & played a bunch of viddies she shot off her cell.

the 1st viddie looked like it wuz taken frum sum1's office mirror. it showed u w/dr. artemis & sum lady who looked a lot like ur mom xxcept w/shorter hair & a lot smaller nose. u were talkin' 'bout stuff & the lady gave u a drink, which u drank & sed sumthin' 'bout how the drink tasted rilly good. & the lady sed sumthin' 'bout how pattersons luv that drink. then u got this rilly big-eyed look on ur face. then the lady sed 2 dr. artemis, "she's reddy."

the 2nd video looked like it wuz taken frum a hand-held mirror & it wobbled a bit. but in the video, sum1 wuz givin' u instructions on the proper application of makeup, clothes & hair 2 enhance ur patterson allure. this video wuz rilly hard 4 me 2 look @, cuz every couple of seconds, i wuz proposin' marriage 2u. evn thru the proposin' i cud c, ur were startin' 2 look more & more like ur sis. ur lips were gettin' bigger & u were wearin' clothes like an old frumpy bag lady & 4 sum reasn i thot they looked rilly sexy.

the 3rd video looked like it wuz taken frum a giant mirror in a dance studio or sumthin'. u were wearin' like a pink karate outfit & there wuz a dummy mocked up 2 look like me. the instructor wuz teachin' u sum kinda weird self-defence where u wud knock down the dummy & then tweak his ear or give him a noogie & yell, "turn 2 good! jeremy! or else!" u looked like u were rilly gettin' n2 & a couple times wen u kicked the dummy between the legs, the instructor sed, "no, april. not there. u might need that sum day." it wuz freakin' me out.

the 4th video wuz u in a class room, & it looked like the viddie wuz frum reflection off sum kinda teachin' demonstration thing. the instructor wuz sayin, "if the pun iz not particularly funny, try 2 make ur eyebrows jump off ur head & make a rilly funny face & ur earrings leap off ur ears." u seemed 2b doin' a good job w/that part & u actually whacked the instructor in the head w/ur eyebrows once.

the 5th video wuz u back in the same class room, & the instructor wuz sayin' 2u, "how many puns can u make w/the word 'pastry'". then u were sayin' "'pastry' sounds kinda like 'pasty', so i cud pun on sum1's pasty skin aftah eatin' nothin' but pastries, like 'i think mom has had 2 many muffins, cuz she looks kinda pastry.'" the instructor sed, "excellent april. u cud b the finest punner the pattersons have had yet. i have seen this kinda natural talent since ur dad." then u kinda blushed & sed, "i hope i can b az good az dad."

that wuz the last viddie & then lirpA lifted anothah sign which sed, "Rescue her." i found a piece of paper & wrote backwards 4 her 2 read, "No way." then lirpA wrote anothah sign which sed, "The Jeremy I know will rescue April." i h8 it wen peeps r rite. i kinda nodded yes & lirpA seemed pretty happ 'bout that. 'course she wuz givin' a big hug 2 my reflection in the mirror & he seemed 2b happier than i wuz,evn tho he looked just like wut i wuz doin'.

so i told my mom 'bout the xxperience w/my mirror & asked her if she wud drive me 2 corbeil 2 rescue april. mom sed, "y wud i do that? u needta b turned frum bad 2 good & they r gonna train her how2 do it." so then i figgered i wud need help w/sum1 i cud trust 2 help me in this kinda sitch. i got on my bike & rode ovah 2 rebecca's place.

i got there & knocked on the door of rebecca's bungalow & rebecca sed, "wut r doin' here? if u wunt leftovahs frum howie's dinner, there aren't any." it musta been a good dinner cuz rebeccah had powdered sugar on her face & she's usually not that messy 'round food unless it's good or unless she's doin' sumthin' i don't wanna think 'bout. neway, i told her the story & asked 4 her help. she sed, "there's no way we're goin' up 2 corbeil 2 mess w/that witch up there. the last tyme howie went there he came back a dog. i'm not gonna get married 2 a dog. 'sides, howie & i r goin' put an offer on a house 2morrow. go away." then howeird showed up wearing nothin' but a chef's outfit & he sed, "i dunno if we shud get the house across frum the stibbs' place, becky. i just read this thing mike wrote on april's real blog & it looks like april may decide 2 stay in her same house." rebecca started cursin' a lot & then she told howeird wut i wuz there 4. howeird looked rilly nervous & talked 'bout the same dog incident, but rebecca wuz suddenly innerested in goin' 2 corbeil 2 ask u which house u picked 2 live in. i guess it's important 2 her 2 live nexta u 4 sum reasn. howeird sed he cud just w8 till u got back.

i sed, "ok. if u don't wanna help me, i needta find sum1 who will help." so, howeird looked kinda guilty & sed, "ok. if we go 2 corbeil, we needta have sum1 w/us 2 protect us frum b-ing destroyed. sum1 the witch likes." rebecca sed, "there's no1 the witch likes better'n mike patterson." i sed, "how do u know that?" rebecca sed, "i've read parts of his book." i hadda agree she hadda point.

so we got in howeird's car & he drove us ovah 2 ur 'rents place (the sharon park drive one). i stayed out in the car & howeird & rebecca went 2 the door & went in. wen they came back out, they had michael patterson w/them. he got in the car & sed 2 me, "jeremy. u r in 4 a treat. it's a good thing i'm not workin' @portrait magazine nemore or i wudn't have the tyme 2 do this." i started 2 wondah wut he wuz talkin' bout, wen he pulled out a laptop & started sayin' out loud 2 me. "stoned season. dedication: 2 the strong women in my life w/o whom this book wud nevah have been written, especially my beloved mother elly & the woman i married. chapter one. soldiers look so good in their tight little uniforms." i think i heard a silent scream in my head. it wuz the beginnin' of several hours of torture where i wud look @my watch & think, "it can't have been only 1 minute since the last tyme i looked @u."

we were several hours on the road & ur bro needed needed 2 take a little voice nap & that gave me the opportunity 2 write this. we r on our way 2 rescue u, assumin' i can survive listenin' 2 the rest of ur bro's book. this bettah be worth it.

OMG! And Howard added:

April,

Jeremy Jones is writing a record of the events on our trip, so I thought I would add a few words in, while I can. We stopped for lunch, and Michael Patterson went into the washroom and he has been primping in the mirror for awhile now, so I figure it may take him awhile to stop looking at himself.

How did this happen? Last night, Jeremy came by Becky's bungalow and told us this strange story about the mirror girl lirpA. I never met her. As you may recollect the action which sent her back to the mirror world from our world was the same one who brought me back to life as a dog. Becky said she was a real slut, the exact opposite of the way you are, so I can only imagine why she would feel the need to have you rescued.

I never wanted to go to Corbeil again, after the last time, but Becky appealed to my better nature. We decided to get your brother, because we figured that if he managed to get the first publisher he sent his book to agree to publish it, then the witch must really like him. The only problem was convincing Michael to come with us.

Becky and I went to your house. She said she had a plan. So we knocked on your door & your sister Elizabeth answered the door. She took a look at me and said, "Aren't you supposed to be in prison?" I said, "I got acquitted and my sentence was reduced to time served." Then she looked at Becky and yelled out loud, "Mom, did Merrie turn 16?" Your mother yelled back, "No." But when she came in the room and saw Becky she grabbed her and started pulling her away from me, saying, "You aren't going to pull the shirt of another girl in our family, you rat!" Becky said, "I'm Becky McGuire. Let go of me, Jelly Fatterson." Your mother looked startled for moment, but said, "It figures an only child like you would end up with Howard Bunt. Why are you here?"

Becky said, "We want to talk to Michael." Your mother said, "He's in a conference with John and Deanna. It seems like all they do these days is talk about their plans without me, like I don't exist." Elizabeth said, "Or me either." The dogs were in the room and they barked something, which sounded to my ear like, "Or us either", but I could have been imagining things.

In any case, they got Michael and he came along with Deanna and your dad. Deanna had powdered sugar around her mouth for some reason, which I don't want to think about. Becky said, "April has failed to convert Jeremy Jones to goodness, but we have Jeremy out in the car to take him to Corbeil to be converted to good. In order for the transformation to be complete, we need to expose Jeremy to something so wonderful and so fantastic, he cannot help being changed." Michael said, "My novel! I can read him my novel! You don't mind if I go, do you mom?" Your mother said, "Of course not. Jeremy must be converted, and April is too lazy to do it." And it was as easy as that.

After Mike went to get his laptop, I said to Becky, "That was great. I am so lucky I have such a smart fiancee." Becky said, "You don't have to be smart to outwit a Patterson. I just hope we can stand to listen to Mike's novel all the way to Corbeil." I said, "I have earplugs in my car." Becky said, "We'll only put them in if we have to." I think we were about a kilometre from your parents' house when they went in.

Mike has finally finished in the washroom. He looks just like your sister Elizabeth with short hair. It's scary how he does that. Time to go.

Howard Bunt

Yeah, it's way spooky when Mike loox like Liz. So, yeah, more deets 2morrow after my brain gets a chance 2 process what happed a bit better. Big congrats 2 Howard on the acquittal and 2 him an' Becks 4 their plans 2 get her emancip8ed an' get a house in my nabe. That'd B sooper-cube!

During their road trip Mike sed:

April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that your work can have a purpose aside from becoming the great Canadian novel, jumping to the top of the bestseller list, and winning all kinds of writing awards. Sometimes, your work can actually change someone’s life. That moment was granted to me, when we received a strange request from the evil Howard Bunt, the slatternly Becky McGuire, and the bullying and rapidly-aging Jeremy Jones; for me to read my novel Stone Season to them.

Becky and Howard tried to make it seem like I would be reading the book just to convert Jeremy to good, which I know is your job, but if I accomplish it, then I will be happy for you to take credit. The only requirement was that I had to ride with them on a car trip to Corbeil, one of my favourite places to go. The scenery is so beautiful up there. After you are living with me and Deanna, if we take any family vacations, I am sure Corbeil will be high on our list of places to visit and you are welcome to stay with us on that trip. You’ve been in Corbeil for at least a day or two now, and I am sure you are falling in love with the place, just as I did years ago, when I was uncertain about whether or not I wanted to become a writer. They have the most marvelous drink they serve there. Just drinking it seems to take all the troubles of the world away. It is quite a learning experience too, as I am sure you are finding out. I learned I wanted to be a writer, and I gave up any idea that I might want to be a photographer. Certainly my success in my writing career has been the proof I made the “write” decision.

As I read my novel to Jeremy, I can see the change coming over him. Each time I say, “Does that passage make you feel like you are turning to good, or do I need to read it again?” Jeremy always says he is turning to good. I can tell it having an effect on Becky and Howard too. They think I can’t see those ear plugs, but little do they suspect it just makes me speak louder, and I can tell from their reactions they can hear me, even though their ears are plugged. With any luck, by the time we get to Corbeil, 3 of the biggest villains in our family history will have a complete change in personality. If only Kortney Krelbutz could have been with us. Oh, well. I hope to see you soon in Corbeil.

Love,
Michael Patterson

And then, a desperate Jeremy was all "april, if we don't get 2 corbeil, soon, i think i am gonna kill myself."

Becks chimed in with

well, we're still on r trip 2 corbeil. i'm sure howie or jer will come by soon 2 tell the deets. i m here 2 ask advice abt the whole "home buying" sitch. on 1 hand, i found a house across the street frum the stibbs house, 4 $50,000 plus a full set of bobby curtola records. but then i got a phone call frum my realtor while we have been on r trip. the peeps who live across frum the patterson house on sharon park drive r looking 2 sell. they r willing 2 go as low as $75,000, but no bobby curtola records need 2 b involved. they r in sum kind of hurry. the realtor sed sumthing abt how the owners have seen a bunch of slutty, big-lipped women an' giant chickens over @ the patterson house l8ly. also sum hyperactive midgets an' peeps w/ mutated noses an' chins. they r moving away bcuz they r afraid it mite b caused by sum sort of radioactive contamination in the nabe or sumthing. she also sed the neighbors r v. upset about all the peeps an' cars an' junk they've seen in the yard over there, "it's like the clampetts or sumthing" they sed. neway, howie an' i r mulling over r options. apes, u should try 2 let us know where u r gonna live. it could help us.

btw, these ear plugs work gr8.

becks

And then a bit l8r, they got here, Becks threw me her fone, and I wrote U all this stuff I just wrote:

Apes

Lonely @ the top an' stuff

Well, Luis never did tell a "refugee" story on Sunday, but I had U wondering there 4 a while, eh? MayB he'll tell 1 sum other time.

NEway, after school yesterday, Eva an' I went 2 the mall again cuz I really needed 2 get outta that house, an' I was really surprised 2 C Becks, cuz I thot she was up in Mtigwaki staying w/Susan while Howard was in custody in Spruce Narrows. It turns out that they came back yesterday, as Howard ended up posting l8 last nite:

April,

We got back from Mtigwaki this afternoon and Becky said she wanted to go shopping. When she came back to see me, she said she had spotted you in the Milborough Mall with Eva Abuya, but she knows how Eva feels about her, so didn’t stop to say anything, because she wanted to avoid a fight with Eva. I have jail time tonight in Toronto, but they allowed me to write a little something to you, so you would know what’s going on.

My lawyer, Mr. Benis, said although my escape from the Milborough prison was necessary in order to prevent from being short drop hung, if I plead guilty on the escape charges, will probably spend about 10 - 30 days in custody. The likelihood I would be released on bail, pending the hearing of my appeal is remote, because of the prison break, which makes me a flight risk.

I’ll let you know as learn more.

Howard Bunt

But I didn't know NE of that then. I was really surprised 2 C Becks @ the mall, and I was gonna ask her what was up and if Howard was okay and all, but then she shot me a look that made me 4get what I was gonna say, and after she'd passed, I was all, "Did U C that Eva? Becky just walked by... An' gave us 'the look.' U know: the 'I'm-better-than-U'll-ever-B-no-matter-how-hard-U-try' kinda look." Eva was all, "And she's all by herself." And I was all, "So?" And Eva was, like, "It's lonely @ the top!" And I think I looked all gobsmacked 4 sum reason.

I don't know Y I'm so sensitive 2 Becky's "looks" but 4 sum reason, I am.

Howard, pls keep us posted when U can, an' good luck.

Apes

Digesting

When Mom and Liz got home from the trial, I heard Liz rite outside the front door being all, "Thanks 4 the lift, Anthony. Thanks 4... everything." Then I looked an' saw Anthony put his rite arm on Liz's left arm, all "NE time." Ew. And Liz seemed 2 have a halo around her hed, which was v. strange.

Inside, while Mom was taking off her boots, she [Mom] was all, "So, it's over. MayB Howard didn't get what he deserved, but it's over." I wanted 2 change the subj, cuz I'm sad abt the whole Howard thing, so I was, like, "Guess what else is over! Mike quit his job @ Portrait magazine! He finally told 'em 2 'stuff it'!" I kinda hunched my shoulders up and pted @ Liz when I sed this. And U mite wonder Y I worded stuff like I did, since Mike had a pretty cushy gig @ Portrait. It's cuz Mom seemed 2 believe the job was, like impinging on his "delicate genius" and that he was, like, doing them sum kinda favour being there. I kinda had 2 phrase it in a way that fit in w/how Mom looks @ the sitch, else she totally wdn't understand.

NEway, Mom was, like, "W8 a minute...Let me sit down. 2 much is happening. I need 2 digest everything slowly and carefully." She had her hand up on her 4head when she sed this, like she was afraid it mite open up an' spit out her brains. She plunked herself down @ the kitchen table, and @ this xxact moment, Dad appeared, an oven mitt on each hand, holding a casserole dish, an' saying, "U're in luck! I made a pot of 3-bean chli!" Mike sez this is Y Dad is the "patriarch of puns." "April, note the subtle punning w/out even having 2 speak the actual pun [on digesting]! We R in the presence of punning GREATNESS." Ewfulness!

Apes

Sentencing

K, so l8 last nite, Becky wrote:

apes,

u prolly herd this frum liz, but howie got a phone call rilly l8 this evening. the sentencing is gonna b 2morrow! can u blieve how they just sprung this on us? sumtimez mboro is krazee like that. i will keep u updated in real time abt the sentence tho--i m bringing my cell in2 the courtroom an' i don't care what judge patterluvver sez abt it!

becks

then a bit l8r, Liz posted

April,

Yes, sorry, I forgot, I heard we are finally having the sentencing tomorrow, which is a huge relief, I'm just positive this means it's finally time for me to get a husband!, sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I had to call Anthony and talk to him about it a whole lot, and then I had to go over to his house and talk about it some more, and then I had to get Mom's advice, you know she is not just a great editor, but also a super stand-in for my rape victim counselor person Sylvia, can you believe she doesn't answer calls after 10 pm?

Liz

Then Becky commented again, with

howie an' apes,

i called dad an' told him that the trial wuz gonna b over 2morrow. dad sed, "never fear, becky-thora. thorvald mordson mcguire is ready! my spear is sharp! the lemurs are hungry and keen!" i sed, "what do u mean, lemurs?" an' dad sed, "much smarter than badgers." i asked, "r they trained? the badgers were trained." dad scratched his beard an' sed, "becky-thora, your fafa did not think the sentencing would happen before monday. i cannot say these lemurs are quite so disciplined as the badgers." an' i yelled, "dad, just use the badgers, okay?" an' dad sed, "i would, except i traded the badgers to the lemur salesman."

so lemurs it is. i have a bad feeling abt this.

becks

Howard popped by and sed

April,

As Becky told you, I got a call from my lawyer, Mr. Benis really late to tell me about the verdict and the sentencing. You remember Judge Patterlover, who is a middle-aged man with sunglasses. According to my lawyer, he has been replaced by an older, white-haired judge; where it is not clear if the judge is a man or a woman. Mr. Benis figures the Ontario justice system got a little tired of Judge Patterlover constantly remanding the trial in order to set a record for the longest sexual assault trial in the history of Canada. I asked my lawyer, who the new judge was? Mr. Benis said it was Judge Snap Decision. I said, “Is Snap a boy’s name or a girl’s name?” Mr. Benis said, “Nobody knows.”

Then two uniformed police officers showed up at the door with a brown prison outfit for me to wear to court. I said, “This kind of gives away the verdict, doesn’t it, since I have been coming to the trial in a suit and tie, and it would make sense for me to show up that way for the verdict ” The police officers said, “With Judge Snap Decision, it just makes the post trial activities go a lot smoother. Be sure to make sure your pockets are empty when you come and instead of sitting by your lawyer, just go straight to the prisoner’s box.” I said, “I thought the prison uniforms were grey or black. Grey or black is a much better colour for me than this brown.” The police officers said, “We got a discount on brown. Just wear the prison uniform to the trial.”

Becky is pretty unhappy about it, but I try to point out the up side is that they probably are not planning to short drop hang me. Becky says she will keep you informed of the verdict and the sentence tomorrow.

Howard Bunt

Wow, after all thoze delayz, I can hardly believe the day has come. Y'know, if Mike happens 2 notice that Liz an' Mom Rn't home, and asks where they R, I'm gonna B all, "They went w/Anthony 2 hear the verdict. Man, the trial sure took long enuf!" Howard, Becky, lemurs? I'm not v. religious, but I'm gonna pray 4 ya!

Apes

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Invisible Morrie, please stop by here.