Sentencing
K, so l8 last nite, Becky wrote:
Apes
Invisible Morrie, please stop by here.
apes,then a bit l8r, Liz posted
u prolly herd this frum liz, but howie got a phone call rilly l8 this evening. the sentencing is gonna b 2morrow! can u blieve how they just sprung this on us? sumtimez mboro is krazee like that. i will keep u updated in real time abt the sentence tho--i m bringing my cell in2 the courtroom an' i don't care what judge patterluvver sez abt it!
becks
April,Then Becky commented again, with
Yes, sorry, I forgot, I heard we are finally having the sentencing tomorrow, which is a huge relief, I'm just positive this means it's finally time for me to get a husband!, sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I had to call Anthony and talk to him about it a whole lot, and then I had to go over to his house and talk about it some more, and then I had to get Mom's advice, you know she is not just a great editor, but also a super stand-in for my rape victim counselor person Sylvia, can you believe she doesn't answer calls after 10 pm?
Liz
howie an' apes,Howard popped by and sed
i called dad an' told him that the trial wuz gonna b over 2morrow. dad sed, "never fear, becky-thora. thorvald mordson mcguire is ready! my spear is sharp! the lemurs are hungry and keen!" i sed, "what do u mean, lemurs?" an' dad sed, "much smarter than badgers." i asked, "r they trained? the badgers were trained." dad scratched his beard an' sed, "becky-thora, your fafa did not think the sentencing would happen before monday. i cannot say these lemurs are quite so disciplined as the badgers." an' i yelled, "dad, just use the badgers, okay?" an' dad sed, "i would, except i traded the badgers to the lemur salesman."
so lemurs it is. i have a bad feeling abt this.
becks
April,Wow, after all thoze delayz, I can hardly believe the day has come. Y'know, if Mike happens 2 notice that Liz an' Mom Rn't home, and asks where they R, I'm gonna B all, "They went w/Anthony 2 hear the verdict. Man, the trial sure took long enuf!" Howard, Becky, lemurs? I'm not v. religious, but I'm gonna pray 4 ya!
As Becky told you, I got a call from my lawyer, Mr. Benis really late to tell me about the verdict and the sentencing. You remember Judge Patterlover, who is a middle-aged man with sunglasses. According to my lawyer, he has been replaced by an older, white-haired judge; where it is not clear if the judge is a man or a woman. Mr. Benis figures the Ontario justice system got a little tired of Judge Patterlover constantly remanding the trial in order to set a record for the longest sexual assault trial in the history of Canada. I asked my lawyer, who the new judge was? Mr. Benis said it was Judge Snap Decision. I said, “Is Snap a boy’s name or a girl’s name?” Mr. Benis said, “Nobody knows.”
Then two uniformed police officers showed up at the door with a brown prison outfit for me to wear to court. I said, “This kind of gives away the verdict, doesn’t it, since I have been coming to the trial in a suit and tie, and it would make sense for me to show up that way for the verdict ” The police officers said, “With Judge Snap Decision, it just makes the post trial activities go a lot smoother. Be sure to make sure your pockets are empty when you come and instead of sitting by your lawyer, just go straight to the prisoner’s box.” I said, “I thought the prison uniforms were grey or black. Grey or black is a much better colour for me than this brown.” The police officers said, “We got a discount on brown. Just wear the prison uniform to the trial.”
Becky is pretty unhappy about it, but I try to point out the up side is that they probably are not planning to short drop hang me. Becky says she will keep you informed of the verdict and the sentence tomorrow.
Howard Bunt
Apes
Invisible Morrie, please stop by here.
posted by April Patterson @ 6:17 AM
6 Comments:
At 1:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Bagels with lox! I guess mazeltov is in order to me with this news. I don't know if Snap is a boy's name or a girl's name, but I do know that it's a Jewish name. As is "Decision." That's right -- I telefonirn around the Canadian Jewish community and found a way to get rid of my competition. I'm sorry, April, bube, to do this to your friend, but I was desperate. The possibility of getting this job and getting out of that condo and away from that wife of mine filled me with such hofenung that I did whatever I had to do to keep it alive. When it came to your friend Howard, even though he is the nephew of those nice Kelpfroths, I had only one thing to say: "fend for yourself."
But all is not lost! If I do get this editor job, the first article I will write will be about the corrupt Canadian legal system that favors certain citizens to the point that it remands trials for years! And I think this will be good for Howard. At least now he can begin to serve whatever his sentence is and get it over with instead of waiting and waiting for it. I know how shver that is -- I've waited most of my life for freedom from that wife of mine that I resorted to such terrible, underhanded means to get it. I antshuldikn zikh.
At 2:05 PM,
howard said…
April,
I’ve got a spare moment to let you know what happened in the reading of the verdict and the sentencing for my trial. When I got to the courtroom, I was ushered to the prisoner’s box, where they normally keep persons who are in jail while the trial is going on. It was just as well, because your mother, your sister and Anthony Caine were sitting on the row right behind where the counselors were sitting.
The new judge, Judge Snap Decision came in and we all rose. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, said to me, “Something looks peculiar about this judge, but I can’t quite figure it out.” After we sat down, the judge said, “After reviewing the details of this case, I am ready to render a verdict and set the sentence, which my predecessor was apparently unable to do. But first I must say I am completely appalled at the disgraceful way this case was handled. Look around you. Why isn’t counsel gowned? Where are the coat of arms and Canadian and Ontario flags which ought to be behind the judge's dias? And why isn't there a portrait of the Queen on the side wall? Is this a court of law or Judge Judy? The staff will definitely hear from me about this breach of decorum.”
Then the judge pointed over to where Anthony Caine and your sister were sitting and said, “Would the woman dressed like a frumpy Georgia O’Keefe, please sit between those two? Their thought balloons of each other are very distracting and inappropriate for a sexual assault trial.” Your mother looked confused, and the judge said, “Between the man with the porn star moustache with his pants hiked up over his waist and his tie tied too short, and the woman dressed in the prison uniform, wearing too much lipstick.” Your mother moved in between your sister and Anthony Caine, and grumbled to them about keeping their thought balloons to themselves.
The judge said, “I have looked over the trial information, and it is filled with many confusing things: My predecessor conducted the examination-in-chief himself, all these references to depositions like this was some court in the States, and testimony given through thought balloons. It’s almost like the courtroom procedure was written up by some 60-year-old woman in Corbeil, sitting on a chesterfield, who was too lazy to get up and properly research it. But I can see based on the evidence presented and only the evidence presented, we have the accused, a relative of his who refused to testify, and the accused’s attempted sexual assault which was thwarted before he got a chance to injure the victim with either a weapon or sexual penetration. Howard Bunt, I find you guilty of attempted sexual assault. I sentence you to….” Then the judge paused and said, “Why is there a large Viking in the back of the courtroom with a sharp spear, lemurs, several skis, and a large bag of instant pudding?”
At this point I said, “The lemurs belong to my future father-in-law. He was supposed to have badgers.” And from the back of the courtroom, I could hear Thorvald say, “We don’t need no steenking badgers.” Then there was pandemonium as everyone in the courtroom discussed the qualifications of badgers over lemurs.
Judge Snap Decision said, “Order in the court. I want to see those lemurs.” I said to Thorvald, “Show him the lemurs.” Thorvald brought them forward in their cages. The judge said, “Fine animals, lemurs. They somehow make feel lenient.” I could hear Anthony Caine say, “They’re going to be lenient because he showed remorse.” I said, “Not remorse, you idiot. Lemurs.” Anthony said, “It sounds the same to me.” I said, “’Lemurs’ with an ‘L’. Like ‘Lllllemurs.’” Anthony said, “I know what I heard. I heard remorse.” Your sister piped and said, “I heard remorse too.” Anthony said, “Thanks for sticking up for me. If he kept on, he was going to get another good ear-tweaking.”
The Judge said, “Order. Order.” Then he addressed Thorvald and said, “If I didn’t know better, with the lemurs, the skis, the bag of instant pudding; I would swear I was seeing a sketch from The Three Stooges film Disorder in the Court, except without the parrots and the firehose.” Thorvald looked very nervous and said, “No, your honour. I am just your typical Viking man who loves the infraorder Lemuriformes. I’ll take my lemurs outside now.” As he passed me in the prisoner box he said, “He’s onto me, Hoskuld. I’ll have to come up with another cunning plan.”
Then the judge said, “If there are no more distractions, I sentence you, Howard Bunt, to prison for 2 years less a day, to be served beginning today. Parole in this case is not recommended, and you will be required to undergo psychiatric treatment for your condition from Certified Sexual Perpetrator Therapists.” Then my lawyer Mr. Benis jumped up and said, “Your honour, parole is only relevant in a indeterminate sentence, like 2 to 5 years.” The Judge Snap Decision said, “I am being lenient. My predecessor recommended a short drop hanging for Mr. Bunt.” Then my lawyer said, “Wait a minute! You are your predecessor. I should have realized it before! You are Judge Patterlover. But why do you look so old?”
The judge appeared to be shaken and said, “Exposure to this case has aged me prematurely.” I said, “Not that much.” The judge said, “The accused should look at himself in a mirror before he makes any rash statements. Bailiffs, bring the accused a mirror.” I looked at myself and I was shocked at how much hair I had lost and how old I looked. I said, “I look like a red-headed Art Garfunkel.” Then the bailiffs looked in the mirror and they were similarly shocked at their receding hairlines. Then they led me out of the courtroom, whimpering about aging and Pattersons.
I could hear your sister whispering, “I thought he’d get a longer sentence.” Your mother whispered, “Me too.” Then Anthony Caine whispered, “They were lenient, because he showed remorse.” Then your sister said, “Howard can show remorse…but I doubt that he can FEEL it.” I turned around and hissed, “Lemurs! Not remorse, you idiots!”
Becky was very distraught and followed the bailiffs as they took me to the holding area. I sat there for awhile, while Becky tried to see me. Then much to my surprise, Mr. Gluttson, the publisher of Portrait Magazine came in to see me. I was quite shocked. I said, “Mr. Gluttson. I’m sorry I missed my second interview, but I was busy with this trial. I am going to be in prison for 2 years, so I don’t think I can do the job.” Mr. Gluttson said, “Nonsense. Prisoners make some of the best senior editors. If they don’t follow orders, then a few nocturnal visits by the prison guards is a strong motivator. Haven’t you ever heard of prison work programs, Mr. Bunt?” I said, “I am familiar with them, but I didn’t think a majour magazine like Portrait would use them.” Mr. Gluttson said, “We get an enormous savings in salary and an employee who can devote every waking hour to Portrait.” I said, “Are you giving me the job?” Mr. Gluttson said, “No. This is just the second interview, but I must say getting put into prison was an excellent career move. You are definitely third interview material. I will see you again, and the best part is, I know where to find you. You’re not off in some attic someplace, where no one knows where you are, or you are too busy doing freelance work to answer my calls.” Then he walked out.
I asked the bailiff if I could use a computer to type this up for you, and I think he would have refused except he was busy looking over hair loss replacement advertisements.
That’s all for now. Becky may have more to add.
Howard Bunt
At 2:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Mr. Bunt's last minute attempt to use the insanity defense, as evidenced by his most recent postings, was valiant but misguided. I saw much of the trial and thought the Crown's case air-tight. With this conviction, the force can now concentrate on apprehending the sick individual with the telescope and the droopy moustache who has been peeping into windows late at night. BTW, the Kelpfroths send their best to your family and ask if they may bring their famous chopped liver dip to the Big Party.
Yours,
Sgt. Royalson
At 3:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
omg, they really did it! they really put howie in prison! an' 4 sum reason, dad didn't use his lemur trick. he sez there's a lemur escape plan b, but i'm not sure i blieve him, he woosed out so fast in court.
i m trying 2 hold myself 2gether 4 howie's benefit, but it's soooooo hard. that bloated bitch u call a sister wuz in the courtroom, whispering a lot, an' it wuz all i could do not 2 try 2 kill her. but she was w/ anthony, an' i have very sensitive, delicate ears.
howie sez 2 years isn't so bad. but i m sure dad an' me can put r heads 2gether an' get howie out faster then that.
until then, i will b wearing these mourning veils an' crying a lot. howie sez there's still a good chance he will b the new senior editor of portrait, but i can't bring myself 2 have good grammar when all this shizz is going down. have u seen howie l8ly? the sentencing hearing rilly aged him. my poor howie.
time 2 go help train the lemurs.
becks
At 5:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom called to say Howard Bunt was found guilty and sentenced to 2 years in prison, and not the hanging we had hoped for. Mom said Howard showed remorse, and that made the judge lenient in sentencing. She also said something about the remorse being cute and furry, but I didn’t really understand that. I know mom and Liz both hoped for longer sentences than 2 years. As you know from your experiences with mom and Kortney Krelbutz, mom is not usually so vindictive when it comes to criminals who try to harm her daughters. She does have an ulteriour motive.
Mom still refers to Howard as “the young man who was attracted to Liz who went after her.” Her fear was that Liz would consider Howard as a viable love interest, unless he was locked away. It’s still a fear, when you consider Liz prefers long distance relationships and she has developed a taste for men who are not childhood sweethearts. Not to worry though. Mom is right there with Elizabeth and Anthony to make sure Liz doesn’t try to establish anything at the last minute with Howard and make sure things go the right direction with Anthony Caine.
In the meantime, I am enjoying spending time with my son, trying to show him how to build the perfect house for a Patterson to grow up in with white and block blocks. He doesn’t seem to understand why I keep changing the interiour architecture of the house, but he’s still learning. As for my daughter, she has developed a taste for my shoulder. She says it is because is showing remorse, which is a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs, emphasis on gnawing. She may be showing remorse, but I am the one feeling it. I am beginning to think about taking her to dad and having her baby teeth pulled.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, becky, that is so awful! morrie, it soundz like u were under, like, duress or sumthin'. sgt. royalson, i think u mite b confusing howard's case w/sum1 else's, cuz howard didn't plead insanity. also, he sez his aunt winnie and uncle melville kelpfroth already rsvp'd "no" 4 mike's party.
mike, thankgodfully, dad has ethics when it comes 2 dentistry an' he won't pull poor merrie's teeth just 2 make life easier 4 u!
becks, i'm not totally sure, but i think i spotted yr dad wearing a button that sez "lemurs are the new badgers."
apes
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