Mike envies Weed
So, here's the next bit of what Mike hasta say abt his recent visit 2 Weed's studio:
Mike, I wdn't B THAT envious if I were xxpecting a $25K cheque. U can make a downpayment on a good house w/$25K. I'm just saying.
Apes
April,U can just C their "special" relationship shining rite thru, eh?
Little sis. The times are few when a Patterson feels the pang of the green-eyed monster of envy, and yet it is appropriate on today, Valentine's Day for me to discuss how this situation occurred during my conversation with Josef Weeder. I discussed yesterday how Weed filled up my cup with his warm coffee and after he was done, we relaxed on the chesterfields in his studio, looking into each other's eyes and discussing our shared experience. We also discussed the fire.
Josef said, "We were all thrown for a loop when the fire happened. I mean—moving out of our apartments, having to get the smoke out of everything…" I crossed my legs and looked at Weed. What was he trying to tell me with this rehash of the fire story again? It must mean something more than just smoke-removal. Obviously, "we were all thrown for a loop" is a reference to the chaos of Weed's and my life having to live in different places and not being able to see each other nearly as often as we used to. But the part of smoke removal confused me. If you remove smoke, you can see things more clearly, but what did Jo see?
I was puzzling on this puzzler, when Weed said, "But listen to this! Lovey Saltzman wants to sell the place---and Carleen and I are going to buy it!" I uncrossed my legs and leaned forward and said, "You are?!" You will notice the placement of the question mark and the exclamation mark show the level of my shock. If you will remember, little sis, back to October, 2005, I had convinced Josef to buy both of Lovey's 2 buildings with me, only the have the idea squelched by our respective others, in the form of Carleen and Deanna. Now I wished I hadn't listened to Deanna. A twinge of the green-eyed monster made an appearance but disappeared again. In addition to being able to torture the Kelpfroths, I knew I would be able spend time with Josef for the rest of our lives, so long as we both lived there. But now it will be just Josef and Carleen in the apartments, and I will be an occasional visitor. Not only that, but it dashed any dreams I may have had about Josef moving to Milbourough to be closer to us there. I tried to restrain my emotion as Josef went on.
Next Josef discussed his financial situation. He said, "We own this building—All the space is rented out. I have collateral…and…my dad is gonna gimme a loan!" I wanted to scream out, "NOOOO!!! Don't put together gonna and gimme in your sentence." That's not it. I remember now, I wanted to scream out, "NOOOO!!! Don't take a loan from your parents. They will never let you live it down." But then I remembered Weed didn't have my mom for one of his parents, and my sense of relief was palpable. I felt so happy; I thought it was time for a photography joke. I said, "I thought your dad was out of the picture, Weed." Get it, little sis, "out of the picture". Weed followed up my joke with yet another one by saying, "When it comes to making money, Mike…my dad is totally in focus." Then he sat and looked contemplative. Normally, I would be quite elated Josef had punned using my pun as a starting point, but this time, countenance turned black, I mean to the green-eyed monster of envy.
How lucky Josef Weeder is to have a father upon whom he can depend to get a loan to purchase a Heritage Home. My own father is known for his generosity. He gave money to Lawrence and Nick and Gordon Mayes to get their businesses started. And yet, while we are all piled into the bedrooms of his own house on Sharon Park Drive, I have never heard my dad say, "If you want to purchase the Heritage House, I will be glad to give you a loan." How could it be that I, who once pitied Josef Weeder for his parent's lack of attention, was now envious of his fathers' attention?
It was a strange to thing to consider, but then it passed. After all, who needs the green-eyed monster around? It's just another party invitation.
Love,
Michael Patterson
Mike, I wdn't B THAT envious if I were xxpecting a $25K cheque. U can make a downpayment on a good house w/$25K. I'm just saying.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:43 AM
15 Comments:
At 8:55 AM,
April Patterson said…
woooooot! we have a snow day, peeps! dunc is hosting an impromptu "snow day" party @ his house, yo! i'm gonna put on my skis an' go over there now.
apes
At 2:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m glad ur havin’ a good tyme ovah @duncan’s house. i’m kinda dealin’ w/flower delivery aftermath. u may remembah the lady who runs la petite boutique convinced me 2 get flowers 4u, rebecca, eva abuya, zandra larson, zenobia barnaby, & zapata henderson. i tried 2 warn every1 wut the sitch wuz & they wud b gettin’ flowerz frum me, just like every1 else wuz & they shudn’t make nethin’ of it. i think warningz like that only rilly work if the girl’s bf givez them sumthin’ decent 4 v-day also.
rebecca called & told me the flowerz were alright, but not az nice az wut i got her last year, so she iz not quite reddy 2 4give me 4 the gym jam. she sed howeird special-ordered her sumthin’ & wuz gonna make her sum romantic dinner. best bf of the bunch, so no prob, rilly.
zenobia barnaby called & told me she likes the black roses as both a symbol of romance & early death. she made reservationz 2 that restaurant la crème de la crème de milborough 4 her bf. no prob there, either.
u apparently did not intercept the flowerz i sent u cuz u were ovah @duncan’s, & ur sis called sayin’ i wuz 2 yung 4 her, but if i wunted, she wud go through ur stuff & c if there wuz ne souvenir u got frum ur grandpa jim, she cud give 2 me. i sed no thanx. so, if u wunt thoze flowerz, i think u will hafta get them frum ur sis.
zapata henderson called & sed if her bf eldritch didn’t give her sumthin’ soon, he wuz gonna b outa the picture & i wud be totally in focus & i cud xxpect 2 receive wut she wuz plannin’ 2 give him. i asked, “wut’s that?” she sed it wuz sumthin’ so hot, peeps wud hafta get the smoke smell out of me. that kinda scared me. i hope eldritch gives her sumthin’.
eva abuya called & thanx 4 the flowerz, but she wunted 2 remind me she wuz w/duncan now & she wuz sure his v-day prezzie wud be better’n wut i sent her, or duncan wud regret it. i kinda felt sorry 4 duncan, almost.
az 4 zandra larson. she called & sed the flowers were nice & she didn’t know roses came in that shade of colour. she sounded odd. i cudn’t tell if she wuz laffin’ or cryin’ or just had sumthin’ caught in her throat. i think she got her vd gift frum duncan, but i cudn’t rilly hear 2 well. sum1 wuz playin’ a saxophone in the background rilly loud & rilly bad. i sed, “who’s playin’ the sax?” zandra just sighed & sed, “wilco.” i knew bettah than 2 ask nemore questionz ‘bout that.
neway, i got the v-day dance 2nite. if ur there w/gerald, i will cu there. if he didn’t get u nethin’, don’t tell him ‘bout the flowerz, eh?
At 2:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
What are you saying, are you nuts, remember you are a Patterson man, a Patterson man does not accept charity from his parents that he isn't planning to pay back, remember, how you wouldn't let Dee get help from her parents when you were poor and how you paid Mom back the money you borrowed from her, you don't want to spoil your record on that issue now do you, of course you don't, or someone will start calling you a Patterson woman, who moves back into her parents' house and pays rent so she can start acting younger than her age--oops wait you already did that, nevermind it's too late, i guess you're a woman.
Liz
At 2:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i called home an' asked liz abt the flowers u sent. she was all, "finders keepers losers sneakers!" ez come, ez go, i guess.
neway, yeah, ger an' i r gonna b @ the dance. i got permission cuz dunc an' zandra r supposta b going, 2. eva had a bit of a hissy when she found out. she snowshoed home when dunc told her.
ger gave me a v. nice necklace an' i gave him sum kissing. and chocolate, of course.
apes
At 2:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, yeah, mike, u r a woman!
apes
At 5:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth and April,
Little sis and slightly older little sis. I can understand your confusion over the differences between men and women. Oftentimes, I have a difficult time distinguishing between mom and dad until I look carefully at what they are wearing or approach them from the right angle. It helps when mom is screaming at something, because then it is clear she is mom and not dad. I know sometimes when I look at my hips and my graceful motions; I sometimes get confused about my own gender. Fortunately, a quick look down the trousers is an easy confirmation that Michael Patterson is all man. However, I do not recommend you try the same method, when and if you ever get confused about me.
Elizabeth, you seem to be confused about what makes a Patterson man in terms of getting money from mom and dad or in-laws. When I was in financial trouble back in 2003 during the 3 months I was not employed by Portrait Magazine, I took a loan of $1000 from mom (to my eternal regret), and Deanna secured a gift of $5000 from her parents which was deposited in our bank account. I did not want the money from her parents, but once a gift has been received, it is rude to return it, particularly if you really need it, as I did back then. However, when I paid back mom for her loan with interest she didn’t cash my cheque and has it framed as a “rare historical document”. I am sure you know the cheque, since you have to pass it on the wall everyday, next to the collage of your rental cheques with the sign saying, “Lizzie’s Dowry.” That one loan of $1000 has given me a taste of what others must feel who take money from mom and dad.
Lawrence Poirier and Gordon Mayes, have already paid back the loans which dad gave them, but I am sure that they give homage to mom and dad whenever they have to, in honour of the money mom and dad gave them originally to get started. Whereas, Josef Weeder is getting a loan from his father to buy Lovey Saltzman’s property, and there is no abasement required by his father, only interest. It is that sort of loan which gives me cause to have envy--- a loan from a parent without humiliation and degradation.
As for my and my in-laws and their completely inappropriate desires to help, in these days of electronic fund transfers, it is very difficult to stop them. However, my darling Deanna had an idea to solve that problem, by creating a separate account for her, specifically for the purpose of having a place where she can put “gifts” from her parents or the improper inheritance from her aunt who passed away in the summer. You may remember her talking about her account in her January monthly letter. I don’t touch this account, so when Deanna’s parents decide to “gift” her, I don’t have to know, and I can keep my self-sufficient integrity intact. Deanna likes to call it her "divorce" account, since it is divorced from our joint account. In the event you two get married, I recommend getting such an account for any inappropriate gifts you may get from Mr. and Mrs. Forsythe-Delaney or Mr. and Mrs. Caine.
I hope this straightens things out with you two. I think Josef plans to rent the lower apartment to the Saltzman’s once he has purchased the property, but if I suddenly found myself in possession of a property where you two were living, I might not be so kind to two sisters who continued to call me a woman.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:32 PM,
howard said…
April,
I visited my aunt Winifred and uncle Melville Kelpfroth today, to help them out, and I happened to mention to them that Josef Weeder and Carleen Stein were purchasing the apartment property from Lovey Saltzman. My uncle Melville started laughing out loud, and then he was shortly joined in laughing by my aunt. I started laughing too, to join in; but the laughing motion started to hurt uncle Melville’s burns, so we stopped. Then I said, “Why were you laughing?”
Uncle Melville said, “Howard, this is difficult to explain. Back around October, 2005; you may remember your aunt and I came to stay with you because we thought Michael Patterson was going to take a jackhammer to the basement, or shut off our hot water, or refinish our flooring with a varnish that smells like feet.”. I said, “I remember that.” My uncle said, “Lovey Saltzman offered the property to Michael Patterson for cheap, because she loved him so much. Then Michael got Josef Weeder to agree to buy the apartments from Lovey Saltzman, but Carleen Stein got Michael’s wife to help talk him out of it. Now, Carleen and Josef Weeder are going through with the deal, without Michael Patterson, when the property has to be even cheaper from the fire damage. I’ll bet they didn’t even give Michael a chance to get in on the deal. That’s just perfect.”
My aunt said, “That Carleen is a sharp girl. Josef Weeder better watch out or he may lose everything to her.” I said, “What do you mean?” My aunt Winifred said, “Understand, Howard. I have nothing against Josef and Carleen. The whole time we lived in those apartments, we never had any problem with them. However, after we had dinner with them a few times, it wasn’t too hard to figure out what was going on.” I said, “What was going on?”
My aunt said, “Let’s say you are a reasonably attractive woman, but not a great looker, but you want to live well and be set for life. If you go after a rich guy, you need to get close to him, so he notices you for what you are and not your looks. If you wanted to marry a lawyer, you might work as a secretary in a law office. If you wanted to marry a doctor, you might work in a doctor’s office.” I said, “Yes, but what does this have to do with…Oh. I get it. You want to marry a son who is set to inherit millions, then you work in his photography studio.”
My uncle Melville says, “The only problem is that the photographer has the emotional response of a university fraternity brother and spends his time trying to sleep with models. How do you get him to notice you?” I said, “Be a really efficient worker?” Uncle Melville says, “That won’t do it. Let’s say the photographer has a best friend, and the best friend has a wife who is really lonely and has no other female friends.” I said, “I think Deanna Patterson has some female friends.” Aunt Winifred said, “We lived under them for a year and half. Aside from Carleen, the only other women who came to visit were her mother, her mother-in-law, Lovey Saltzman, and people who took care of her children. But with Carleen Stein, she made a big deal about being a matchmaker of her with Josef Weeder. You see, Carleen works every day with the photographer, but the wife of his best friend is the one who takes credit for matchmaking. What do you make of that, Howard?” I said, “You’re saying Deanna was just doing what Carleen wanted her to do?” My aunt Winifred said, “And the beauty of it is that Deanna thinks it was her idea. You have to be sharp to pull that off.” My uncle Melville said, “This is Deanna we’re talking about.” My aunt said, “Alright. Not that sharp.”
I said, “You’re saying Carleen Stein is a gold-digger, after Josef Weeder’s money?” Uncle Melville said, “First she has to get him the money. Josef Weeder is estranged from his father and has no plans to inherit because he decided to work as a photographer and not take over daddy’s import/export business. But back in May, 2006, his mother and father show up uninvited and unexpected to his studio, take a look around, like what they see, and then give him enough money to buy the studio as an ‘advance on his inheritance.’ Does anything seem a little odd to you about that, Howard?” I said, “It seems a little too convenient, but I have noticed things happen a lot which are little too convenient.” My uncle Melville says, “Someone has to tell the father where the studio is. Someone has to tell the father the photography business is doing well, and have the authority and the figures to back it up. Someone has to tell the father, his son is dating a nice Jewish girl and not some supermodel shiksa. There’s only one person who can do that.” I said, “Carleen.” Uncle Melville said, “Bingo. She’s got him the money. Now she has to do 3 more things.”
I said, “What are those 3 things?” Aunt Winifred said, “First is get a house, which it seems like they are doing. How are they financing the mortgage?” I said, “I believe it is Josef Weeder’s father.” Uncle Melville laughed, “That girl is good.” I said, “What’s the second thing?” Aunt Winifred said, “She has to get Josef Weeder to propose to her. That’s going to be the toughest thing, I think.” My uncle Melville agreed, “When you shoot pictures of half-naked models all day long, it’s kind of hard to give up your freedom to marriage.” My aunt Winifred said, “You did it.” My uncle Melville said, “That’s because you’re a freak in the bed.” I said, “La. La. La. Change the subject. What’s the third thing?” My aunt Winifred said, “Children, which guarantees child support in case Josef does go after one of those models some day.” I said, “I don’t know if Carleen is really that cold and calculating.” My aunt Winifred said, “Contrary to popular belief, a woman who plans for her future isn’t cold and calculating. She’s a lot better than some woman who depends on her parents to do everything for her. Just wait and see if we are right. If you hear they are engaged, we are going to want details, Howard.” I told them I would do my best. If you hear anything, April, please pass it on.
Howard Bunt
At 6:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm a minor, so i'll live w/mom an' dad an' u won't have a say, mike. woman.
apes
At 7:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, sorry, howard, i missed yr post @ 1st. yeah, if i hear nething abt weed an' carleen getting engaged, i will let u know!
apes
At 8:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Staring into each others eyez an' filling yr cups? I dunno man, that soundz kinda gay.
I'm so glad Vicks lets me fill her cup, IYKWIM. My uncle Beauregard got me an espresso machine 4 xmas an' it makes the best cappucinos ever, Vicks told me.
At 9:00 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey Apes,
Oh man. The 415 is closed but the 420 is wide open 2day.
I rilly think Zed rilly liked her prezzie. She wants 2 take r relationship 2 a new level I think she wants me 2 ask her 2 marry me. Im ready, I can leave home 4 good on my 16th BD, June 11, thats a Mon & who wants 2 party on Mon, I wld shoot the hole day down if I wasnt a Canuck. So Zed & I r getting married on Sat June 16, Apes, will u b my best man cos u r the best friend evah.
L8r. Going ovah 2 Zeds 2 propose.
MCDunC Xtra Studly
At 9:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, dunc, june 16, eh? i'll mark the d8 in my calendar. i never imagined i wd b sum1's best man, but we hafta keep up w/the times!
apes
At 9:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mom sumhow found out that dunc left the v-day party, and she just called here 2 say i hafta leave cuz of the "dunc or chaperone" rule 4 me an' ger! mike, do u think mayB u can get dee 2 come out 2 the party an' convince mom it's ok 4 me an' ger 2 stay here as long as she's here, 2?
apes
At 10:58 PM,
duncan anderson said…
She said no.
I want 2 leave Mboro 4evah but I cant hitch out the 415 is still closed & the GOs not running.
I nevah thot a heart cld break. Oh man I was so st00pid.
Let me no when the partys ovah so I can go back home.
At 1:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Some days everything is bright and clear. Other days, the visibility is so poor that when you look at buildings or people, all you see is a vague outline and no discernible features. But then you will have something right beside the vagueness which is so clear and distinct it makes you wonder why you can’t see the things standing right next to it. I think I may need to get glasses. I thought about getting glasses a long time ago, but mom talked Elizabeth into getting them instead.
After our coffee together in his studio, Josef mentioned that even though he has not yet purchased the old apartments on Devon Road from Lovey Saltzman, she and her husband Morrie were moving out, even as we spoke, and he suggested we should go and visit and watch the moving men strain and flex their muscles against the weight of Lovey’s enormous collection of broken antiques. That sounded like a good activity to me. We got to the old house and there in front of the house was a clear and distinct moving truck with the word “Moving” on the side, with a box which apparently had been dropped on the ramp to the truck, to effectively block the way of anyone trying to move things to the truck. I whispered to Weed, “Least expensive movers in Toronto, I suppose.” Weed said, “Lovey wouldn’t have it any other way.” But when we tried to get a look at the movers, I noticed the house and the movers and even myself were hazy and indistinct. I said to myself, “It kind of defeats the purpose of coming her, if all I can see is the outline of the movers.” Then an outline approached me which could be none other than Lovey Saltzman herself, and sure enough she greeted us, me first of course, “Michael! Josef! So good to see you!!”
Then Lovey began one of those conversations in her usual style where she says a lot of things without asking or expecting a response, as if she were carrying on both parts of the conversation. She said, “Morrie and I are moving to a condominium. We should have done it years ago.---Jo told you he’s buying this place? It’s a good thing. I gave him a good price. He’ll make it nice again.” I went through what she said in my head, and the only thing I learned new over my conversation with Josef was Lovey and Morrie Saltzman were moving to a condominium and she wished she had done it before. The message was clear to me. She should have sold the apartments before the Kelpfroths moved in and burned the place, so she could get a better price for it.
Then we turned as one and looked at the old house, or rather we looked at the outline where the house was supposed to be, and Weed surprised me by saying, “We’re gonna gut all 4 apartments, put in new wiring, new plumbing---really do a job on ‘er!” I tried to think if Josef had ever dropped an “h” at the beginning of a word before. I couldn’t remember it ever happening. Was my old university roommate turning into a Cockney?
While I was thinking about Josef Weeder playing the part of Alfred P. Doolittle in a production of My Fair Lady singing “I’m Getting Married in the Morning”, everything went black around me. I could Weed clearly and Lovey clearly, but as for myself, I felt as though I had turned into a giant shadow towering over Josef. Then Josef said, “It’s a big investment, but eventually the tenants will pay it off.” “Big investment”, I thought. Was Josef referring to my sudden increase in height? No, my special punning sense revealed the humour was going to come from Lovey Saltzman. She said, “That’s true. You’re young. You’ll live long enough.” Weed looked puzzled, I think perhaps because Lovey could have said more effectively, “That’s true. You’re young enough to see it paid off before you die.” I thought about my especially humourous edited version of what Lovey said and I could not but help to laugh with a sticky-out tongue, even though I was still shrouded in darkness.
What do you think, little sis. Is my vision going, or do you experience hazy vagueness or blackness in your life?
Love,
Michael Patterson
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