I am NOT going home!

Hi, foax, I M writing this from Becky's place, where Howard has made us the most delicious brekky. Mike posted this bit last nite:

April,

Little sis. Sometimes a curious thing happens when you learn something new. Not only do you realize that you have learned something new, but you also realize that what you thought you knew or you assumed was correct, was in fact, completely wrong and you wish that you had taken the time to properly research it instead of just charing ahead with your assumptions and putting them into an internationally read publication. For example, if you had read our family's monthly letters or talked to the people who have been around Grandpa Jim, like you and Elizabeth and mom and Uncle Phil; you would get the impression that Grandpa Jim's aphasia meant he was limited to saying 4 or 5 bland words, like "Yes" and "No". You wouldn't know that many persons with aphasia retain certain automatic responses, such as swearing, counting, naming the days of the week and social responses, such as "Fine," "Thanks," and "Hi." As a professional journalist and soon-to-be best selling author, I can tell you there is no substitute for properly conducted research and fact-checking. There is nothing worse than having to publish a retraction or to somehow pretend you had checked your facts all along. Obviously, you and mom and Elizabeth left a little something out of your descriptions of your visits with Grandpa Jim. There is certainly nothing about me which would cause Grandpa Jim to start cursing.

That's how I felt during my visit with Iris and Grandpa Jim, when Iris was telling me, "Sometimes your grandfather says awful things, Michael. He can't help it. He tries to speak-and swear words come out!" I replied to Iris, "Weird!" You see, little sis, when I was little, Grandpa Jim used to swear all the time, so it is odd now that he would try to speak something other than swear words, but he would actually say swear words instead. It made me think Grandpa Jim might have had aphasia when he was younger and living with Grandma Marian. I know that's improbable, but the idea does put Grandpa Jim in a somewhat more favourable light. I was speaking to Iris in shadows at the time she said that, so I think she must have thought she could feel my chest without Grandpa Jim noticing. But he did, and he gasped and put his hand over his mouth. That attracted both my attention and Iris', and she took her hand off my chest. Then we stared over at Grandpa Jim curiously, to make sure his gasping sound wasn't a sign of a new medical problem. Fortunately he looked alright, and Iris continued explaining to me, "It's a curious part of his disability…we're dealing with it."

After having my chest touched, I was desperate to change the subject back to me and my book or some other non-touching subject. I said, "They've offered me an advance, Iris! They say I've written a best seller!" I don't know if I passed on that particular conversation to you or not, little sis. My publisher did actually say my book would be a best seller. I also tried to get him to agree I had written the great Canadian novel, but the publisher said all he really cared about was how well the book sold and not about its place in Canadian history. That's a little short-sighted I think. In any case, Iris' response was also a little less than spectacular, because she said, "That's lovely, dear!" with an especially long exclamation point. I have learned in my experiences with Iris, when she uses especially long punctuation it is a sign her mind is wandering on to things she finds interesting, like bunions and old lady perfumes and arthritis and how many dead people she knows and things like that.

Things got dark again, and Iris leaned her face in close to mine. I was afraid she going to go for a kiss, when fortunately, Grandpa Jim had another bout of cursing. It was, "*@{star symbol}!! Boxcar!! No! No! No! No! NO!!" I wasn't sure if he was mad about Iris' flirting or something completely different. Iris sensed my confusion and said, "He wants to be included in the conversation. He wants to hear more about your contract." I wasn't so sure about that. Grandpa Jim's hand gestures left little to the imagination. So I said, "How do you know?" Iris said, "I can read him like a book!"

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanks to Grandpa Jim's disability, Iris was forced to do the punning for the two of them. I felt sympathy for Grandpa Jim's situation like I had never done before. Sheilaugh Shaugnessy may be draped in the glamourous robes of best seller, but now it was my Grandpa Jim's turn to receive my undivided sympathy. He was sitting there in front of me, making obscene hand gestures at Iris. I know it was because Iris had attempted to make a pun off the word "book" since I had been talking about mine. Poor Grandpa Jim. He's trapped in his punless body, having to suffer through Iris' puny punning. I cannot imagine a worse fate. Fortunately, he will be all better by September, or so I've heard.

I'll tell you more about my visit with Grandpa Jim and Iris tomorrow, little sis; and if you're lucky, maybe the day after that too. Just to let you know, since you were sleeping over at that slattern, Becky McGuire's house tonight; mom put Elizabeth temporarily in the storage room, where you sleep. She didn't want Elizabeth to mess up the guest bedroom bed. I'm sure you don't mind.

Love,

Michael Patterson

OMG, No! BOXCAR! The rec room is not "the storage room," arsewipe, and it's NOT OK 4 Liz 2 poop it up. Of course I "MIND" U imbecile! Gah, I'm so not coming home the rest of this week. I get no respect in my idiot family!

And BTW, puns R STOOPID and not punning = the least of Grandpa's problems. Just take yr dumb advance $ and get outta my house so I can have my nice, non-poopy room back, selfish prig!

Apes

Oh, and P.S.: Gramps does not swear when I visit. He just smiles a lot and enjoys my music. I think Iris was trying 2 spare yr feelings. I'll tell her she shdn't bother, cuz U DON'T HAVE NE FEELINGS! Or @ least U care NOT @ ALL abt NE1 else's.