Don't WANNA!
Aw, doodz! I'm sitting here 2 write my blog entry this morning, and I WANNA write abt what's going on w/LIZ l8ly. But this incredibly strong force is making me write abt GRAMPS AND IRIS! I don't WANNA write abt Gramps an' Iris. I don't wanna hafta tell U that Gramps was sitting in his armchair, and that Iris came up 2 him, all, "Wd U like a cup of tea, Jim?" And that Gramps was, like, "Yes." I don't wanna tell U that Iris appeared next w/two boxes of cookies, all "We have sum nice cookies... Do U want chocolate or vanilla?" Or that Gramps went "Um... um..." and then pted @ the vanilla box, saying, "Yes... nice.. OK... Box!" which Iris then shook, saying, "This one?" Causing Gramps 2 go "Yes." Then, "Vanilla?" Gramps: "Yes." I don't WANNA hafta tell U that while Gramps was having the tea an' cookie, Iris was all, "Do U want the curtains closed?" And that Gramps went, "No. Sun." Or that Iris went, "So U want them open." And that insteada going, "Yes," that Gramps went "Sun!" Iris: "Closed?" Gramps: "Sun!" Iris: "Open?" Don't wanna hafta tell U that she closed the blinds and that they apparently both thot the same thing @ the same time: "U have no idea how frustr8ing this speech problem is!!!"
I don't WANNA tell U all those things, an' U know what? I'm NOT gonna! (No offense, Gramps/Iris. I just really wanted 2 write abt Liz this week.)
Apes
I don't WANNA tell U all those things, an' U know what? I'm NOT gonna! (No offense, Gramps/Iris. I just really wanted 2 write abt Liz this week.)
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:48 AM
14 Comments:
At 8:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Why would you ever want to write about the Lizardbreath in her current state of existence? She’s still unmarried. She’s still waiting for Anthony to call on her. She’s not the author of a book. All she does is come home from school, plow through her marking and class prep, and spend the rest of the evenings alone in her room, with the door open, so my children can see her lying wide-eyed in bed holding her stuffed rabbit, whenever they walk by. The only excitement involved with Liz these days was when mom went through her room looking for sharp objects, medications, and things you could tie that would support a human’s weight.
There was also some amusement to be had when mom tried to figure out if Elizabeth had any chums in Milborough who would be willing to spend some time with her. As you probably know by now, Elizabeth burned most of her bridges with those people by her actions during New Years’ Eve 2006. I am sure you noticed this most recent New Years’ Eve, Liz didn’t spend time with any friends as she has done in the past. I think they still remembered the last year, and didn’t invite her. Needless to say, mom didn’t have any luck finding any old chums for Liz.
Liz is so uninteresting these days, her cat avoids her and spends more time with you in the storage area where you sleep. Even Iris talking about opening and closing curtains is better material than what Elizabeth is doing. I think you should write about Grandpa Jim and Iris this week rather than complaining about how you would rather write about Liz. If not Grandpa Jim and Iris, you could choose another boring subject more interesting than Elizabeth, like the paint peeling off the wall or dust settling or snow blowing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:10 AM,
howard said…
April,
You know I love your step-grandmother Iris, but sometimes she falls into old habits and routines. When I last visited with her and your grandpa Jim, I kept reminding her, “Ask Jim ‘Yes or no’ questions and not multiple choice.” But she persisted.
She asked your Grandpa Jim if he wanted vanilla or chocolate cookies and then would hand your Grandpa Jim the vanilla cookie and said, “That’s so kind of you, dear, to choose the vanilla, since you know I prefer the chocolate.” She would ask your Grandpa Jim if he wanted he wanted the curtains closed or opened, and then she closed the curtains and said, “That’s so kind of you, dear, to want the curtains closed. The sunlight was bothering my eyes.” She would ask your Grandpa Jim if he wanted me to give him a foot massage or give her a foot massage, and she would take off her shoes and say, “That’s so kind of you, dear, to let me have the foot massage from Coward.”
I said to Iris she would get less confusing answers from your Grandpa Jim, if she stuck with questions which could only be answered “Yes” or “No”. She said, “You’re right, dear. I just forget sometimes. You have no idea how frustrating this speech problem is. I wonder if Jim wants you to make him prime rib for dinner or if he wants you to make me one of my favourite soufflés. I’ll try to ask him that in a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ question. Don’t be mad, Coward, if I mess up again." Despite Iris’ best intentions, I ended up making a soufflé.
Howard Bunt
At 9:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
That soufflé Howard made for us was absolutely delicious. Jim especially enjoyed it, although it’s not that good for his heart. Neither are cookies, but the doctor says “at this point, it’s moot.”
It’s true that I sometimes forget to ask Jim “yes” or “no” questions, but at the same time I am getting conflicting information. Jim’s therapist tells me I should be specific and try to let Jim answer with more words than “yes” and “no”, because this will improve his aphasia. But then I have people like Howard and our home-care assistants telling me to use “yes” or “no” because it’s easier for Jim. I feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place sometimes. It’s very frustrating.
It was so nice to have you this weekend, dear. You should come stay with us more often! The surprise breakfast you cooked for us the other morning was wonderful. You’re such a good granddaughter. Did you check your jeans pocket when you got home? I tucked a little surprise in there while you were showering, courtesy of your grandfather and myself. Treat yourself to something nice, dear!
Love,
Iris Richards
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Perhaps you are aware of Iris's prior marriage to Lucasian Professor of Physics Stephen Hawking? She seems to have suffered from the same sort of "communications problem," leaving the good Prof. outside in the sun all day, causing him to sustain serious burns. I seriously doubt that she should be entrusted with the care of the disabled.
Technically none of my business, but still...
At 3:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are a horrible pawpawrotzee stalker, you are making me feel just like Jennifer Aniston again, talking about my life like it's entertainment, well, it's not, I'm just an innocent virgin trying to make my way through the big bad world of men who just want to shack up with you but not marry you because they cheat, and I don't deserve this kind of treatment, but if you talk about me, at least say that I lost 2 pounds last week, even if Mom does say that it's probably just water weight from crying so much, it counts!
At 4:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt Royalson,
With all due respect, I once again urge you to discontinue the slander of my client, Mrs. Iris Richards. It has been proven that Mrs. Richards has only been married one other time, to George Reid (which ended with his death from natural causes). No other marriage records exist for Mrs. Richards. In addition, Stephen Hawking has been married twice, but neither of which was to Mrs. Richards. Please reference the documentation sent to you on December 15th, 2006 in which your signature was obtained on the messenger’s receipt.
I must order you to cease and desist this continued attack on my client. Mrs. Richards is a fine, morally upstanding woman who is just trying to do the best she can for her husband despite her own advanced age and health issues. I will no longer tolerate any allusion to the contrary. Failure to comply will be met with yet another formal complaint lodged against you, and I was assured by your superior that one last complaint would result in your termination.
Sincerely,
Beauchamp W. Higginbottom
Higginbottom and Crump
At 4:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda weird convo @lunch 2day. i wuz sittin’ @lunch mindin’ my own bizness wen zapata henderson & zenobia barnaby sat down b-side me. zenobia sed, “jeremy. zapata & i have a disagreement & we need a man’s opinion 2 decide it.” i sed, “so ur askin’ me?” zapata sed, “there r no real men who go 2 r.p. boire, but u look the oldest.” i sed, “thanx. it’s so nice 2b judged by my appearance. w8. sum of the male teaches look oldah than i do." zapata sed, "not rilly."
zenobia sed, “neway, jeremy. if u hadda choice of beverages, wud u prefer a cup of coffee or a cup of tea?” i sed, “tea.” zapata sed, “& if u went 2 a girl’s house & she sed 2 u, ‘wud u like a cup of tea, jeremy?’, wut wud that mean 2u?” i sed, “she wuz offerin’ me tea?” zenobia sed, “wut did i tell u?” zapata sed, “no. no. that duzn’t mean nething. jeremy, if u went 2 a girl’s house & she sed 2 u, ‘wud u like a cup of coffee, jeremy?’, wut wud that mean 2u?” i sed, “she wuz offerin’ me coffee nstead of tea?” zapata sed, “c, zenobia. c the diffrence.” zenobia sed, “no w8. jeremy, wudn’t u think ‘she wuz offerin’ u coffee”? i sed, “isn’t that wut i sed?” zenobia sed, “hum. he duzn’t notice his reaction is diff. v.v. inneresting.”
i sed, “wut iz this all ‘bout?” zapata sed, “now, jeremy. let’s say u have a choice of girlfriends.” i sed, “wut do u mean?” zapata sed, “there r 2 girls who r innerested in u, & u hafta pick 1 2b ur gf.” i sed, “this iz just a hypothetical question, isn’t it?” zapata sed, “absolutely. rite, zenobia?” zenobia sed, “thass rite. hypothetical.” i sed, “alright. there r 2 girls & i hafta pick.” then zapata pointed ovah 2 where u & eva abuya were sittin’ & sed, “let’s say the girls r april & eva. do u want chocolate or vanilla?” i sed, “iz this sum kinda question ‘bout skin colour preferences or personality?” zenobia sed, “iz there a diff?” i sed, “well, not in mboro.” zapata sed, “which 1?” i sed, “both chocolate & vanilla have left me w/scarz, but chocolate more recently, so i wud pick vanilla.”
then zapata pointed ovah 2 where zandra larson wuz sittin’ & she sed, “how ‘bout if 1 girl wuz vanilla but the othah girl wuz white like she hadn’t been in sunlight 4 a long tyme? do u want the girl who haz the curtains closed?" i sed, “u mean closed 4 no sun?" & zenobia sed, “so u want them open?" & i sedm, “open means sun?" zapata sed, "closed?" i sed, “ sun." zenobia sed, "open then?" i sed, “i don’t know wut ur talkin’ ‘bout.” zapata sed, “zenobia. thass the prob w/boyz. they can’t unnerstand simple questions.” zenobia sed, “jeremy. u have no idea how frustr8ing men’s speech problems are.” then they got up & left. i’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout their convo 4 awhile now & i still have no idea wut they were talkin’ ‘bout. ne ideas?
At 6:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, it sounds like either zenobia or zapata likes u, but is worried that u like zandra better than whichev of them likes u. tho i don't know what they r worried abt, since zandra is w/dunc.
mike, no. u r w8ing 4 anthony 2 propose 2 liz. mom is w8ing 4 anthony 2 propose 2 liz. dad is w8ing 4 anthony 2 propose 2 liz. liz is not. she tells me, "i m w8ing 4 the good witch of the north 2 guide me on my journey." i know u think that's the same thing, but liz sez it's not necessarily so.
liz, i don't know y u alwayz think bad of me. mayB i was actually concerned abt u. did u ever think of that? an' i can totally tell u lost those 2 lbs. the sweats u alwayz change in2 when u get home fr. teaching r looking quite baggy 2day.
iris, thanx so much 4 the lil surprise. becks and vicks r gonna go shopping w/me after school 2morrow so i can use it 2 buy sumthin' cute!
apes
At 6:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Loosen up, Beauchamp! Some horrible, nasty-faced old biddy left Professor Hawking out in the sun. I qute naturally assumed it was your client, given her documented record of botched "care" for the differently-abled.
At 7:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno ‘bout zenobia or zapata likin’ me. they seemed more innerested in coffee, tea, or whether curtains were opened or closed; like it wuz sum kinda home-entertainin’ thing. ‘sides, they both have bfs. i’m gonna try 2 4get it ever happed. that seemz safe 2 me.
At 7:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I love it when you cling to your idealistic opinions which seem to ignore all basis in reality. When you write so assuredly about the Lizardbreath’s own opinion of her future, it takes me back to when I had just become Senior editor at Portrait Magazine. I was so young and innocent. I thought it was a great job, because I got to work with some of the most talented, creative people in Toronto.
But I have since grown to hate my job. We're being pushed to produce a sleeker, more libidinous magazine for less money. New people have been parachuted in to oversee advertising, sales and content. You would think that if reducing cost was a priority, they could save a lot of money just paying for standard airfare. It used to be I had business lunches at least four times a week where I would get to see advertisers, photogs, and sales reps and make my own choices. Now it seems I spend most of my day dealing with the petty and time-wasting hassle of packing up someone’s parachute.
When I look back to where I started, I should have realized things would end up this way. The first time I was told I couldn’t hire Josef Weeder for a picture shoot for Portrait, because they were bringing in another photographer, I could tell the end was near. I could have been sitting around doing nothing and waiting for the good witch of the north to guide me on my journey like Liz. Instead, I wrote my book, and it is clearly on its way to becoming a bestseller and hailed as the Great Canadian Novel. That’s what happens when you take action in your life and don’t depend on witchly guidance.
Believe me when I tell you, little sis. Mom is not sitting around waiting for Anthony Caine to propose to Elizabeth. She is actively working to find some way to get Elizabeth out of the house and into circumstances in which Anthony would propose to her. Now, dad, he is sitting around and waiting. Or rather I should say he is standing in his train room and waiting.
Remember, little sis, being a Patterson means being passive-aggressive, not just passive. Unless you're dad, of course.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, since zenobia an' zapata have bf's, like u say, it's prolly safer 2 go w/yr interpretation, eh?
apes
At 8:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, how'd u sneak that post in betw jeremy's post an' mine, mike? that wasn't there last time i looked!
i still think u like anthony more than liz does. either that, or u don't like him @ all, but u also don't like liz, so u think they deserve ea other.
apes
At 12:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I seriously doubt I like Anthony more than Elizabeth does. Anthony is one of the few men alive I know who engaged in an extended kissing session with Elizabeth despite her lizardlike breath. That fact alone should engender love for Anthony much more for Liz than for me.
As for your second idea that I neither like Anthony nor do I like my sister, such a suggestion is beneath you, little sis. I love my sister, just like I love you. Liz may irritate me sometimes, but I will always love her. However, I will agree that Elizabeth and Anthony deserve each other. They are childhood sweethearts, after all.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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