For Better or For Worse

Yet another hospital story. Don't criticize me 4 that, Mike, U know this stuff is beyond my control.

So, I'm still telling U abt what happened a wk ago, eh? Liz and Anthony had rushed 2 the hospital rite after they finished getting married, once Liz realized Gramps wasn't there and found out from Mom what was up.

Lizthony and Iris were standing outside of Grandpa Jim's curtained-in area, Ant w/his rite hand on Lizzie's rite shoulder. Liz sed, "Iris, you've taken such good care of Grandpa Jim. He's so lucky to have you!" And Iris went, "We're both lucky, dear."

Liz was like, "But, so many things he can't do for himself now--and you're with him, looking after him day after day... It can't be easy!" And Iris went, "It's not easy. But we made a commitment--just as you did today--and although it's not easy, this is all part of loving someone--with all your heart...and, with all you have to give! It's a promise that should last a lifetime. It defines you a a person and describes your soul. It's a promise to be there, one for the other, no matter what happens, no matter who falls... For better or for worse dears... For better or for worse."

Then, the weirdest thing happened. They all looked down--and they saw this scrolling text, like just kind of floating thru the air: "This concludes my story.... With grateful thanks to everyone who has made this all possible ~Lynn Johnston"

Freaky, eh?

Apes

Yet another bedside story 4 U

4 sum reason, I have this creepy feeling that after 2morrow, I won't B telling U these stories I've been sharing w/U 4 the past three yrs plus abt a month. Sumthing's gonna end, and that'll B it. And if that's true, I'd think I cd @ least get U back 2 the reception in my telling U abt Liz's wedding 6 days ago. But 4 sum reason, I'm stuck telling U sum more abt Liz being in Grandpa Jim's hospital room. I have a feeling ppl R gonna show up @ Lilliput's this morning, buy coffee, and tell Mom that this story made them have tears in their eyes, reminds them of sumthing from their family, makes them wish sumthing or other, U know the drill. And they'll thank Mom a lot, 4 sum reason. I will hafta make sure I stay away from Lilliput's.

NEway, so Liz had sidled up 2 Iris, who was sitting by Grandpa Jim's bedside. Iris was all, "I watch him sleeping, Elizabeth--and I remember when I had babies. ..I watched them like this, you know. I watched them... Like this." And Liz sed, "Yeah, I caught that the first time U sed it, why'd U hafta say it twice?" OK, no she didn't. She went, "I'd like 2 have a baby sumday," as if the idea only just popped in2 her head @ that v. moment. And Iris told her, "I'm sure U will, dear! And U will teach yr little one* abt life and all its complexities, challenges, joys and sorrows... there's so much 2 learn." Then Iris gazed @ Jim all beatifically while laying a hand on his face, saying, "I think I know sumthing abt life, now. It takes corage 2 live life 2 the full, Elizabeth... And yr grandfather has courage." And Liz was all, "Yes, he has courage." Then she placed one hand on Iris's back and told her, "...But, he also has U." And 4 sum reason, Iris went all gobsmacky. MayB cuz Gramps had gone in2 silhouette just then, and Iris might have been worried it was like "the silhouette of death." MayB wherev she comes from, she heard that rite B4 U die, U go in2 silhouette.

Well, I hope I have sumthing different 2 tell U 2morrow. Sumthing not abt the hospital.

Apes

*Gah! "Little one." Don't U hate that expression? I do!

Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

Liz and Antman visit Gramps so he can thought-bubble pun

Here's what happened when Liz and Anthony showed up in Grandpa Jim's hospital room just after their wedding ceremony this past Saturday. Iris was standing by his bedside, and Liz went, "Iris! We came as fast as we cd!" Iris went, "Oh, my dear! --It's the bride and groom!"

Liz went over 2 Gramps, put her left hand on his left shoulder, and went, "Here we R, Grandpa. It's Anthony and Elizabeth. We wanted U 2 B part of this day!" And Gramps was like, "Yes!" Iris told him, "They're fresh from the altar, Jim! They took off right after the wedding! --Just jumped in a car and came here 2 the hospital!" Gramps went, "Yes?" And I guess all that emphasizing how they'd JUST! GOTTEN! MARRIED! was 2 set up Jim 4 the thought bubble he had next: "A classic case of hitch and run!!"

That is so wrong. Setting ailing ppl up 4 punnery, even in their heads, is v. bad 4 their recovery! OK, so I just made that up, but I'm sure it's true. :(

Apes

She did, when she finally noticed

More about Liz's wedding this past Saturday. When Anthony and Liz did their run down the aisle (with Liz trying 2 crib the look Dee had on her face when she and Mike did their trot @ wedding #2), sum1 was all, "Congratulations, U2!" And sum insensitive clod was like, "It's about time!" That mighta been Mom. Gordo, standing on the Antman's side, went, "Wooo-hooo!" And sum silhouette guy from Anthony's side went, "Ya-hooo!"

Then, even tho Anthony and Liz had charged down the aisle, suddenly they were back @ the front, w/the bride's-side crowd gawking @ them. And Liz had a teensy-weensy light bulb turn on over her empty head, as she went, "Anthony--where's my grandfather? And Iris! ...They're NOT HERE!!" Then she turned 2 Mom and sed, "Mom--sumthing's happened! Where's Grandpa?" And Mom went, "He's in the hospital, honey. He cdn't come." And Liz sed, "Then, we'll have 2 go 2 HIM!" Mom was like, "But, U just got married! Do U have 2 go NOW?" And Liz went all carp-mouthed and sed, "I do."

And... I'll tell U more 2morrow!

BTW, 2day is Mom's b-day. She sez she's 57. She's gonna B @ Lilliput's all day, having coffee and accepting b-day wishes and gifts.

Apes

Carry on Gobsmacked

I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on 23 August, Liz's wedding day. This time, I know sum stuff abt what Iris and Uncle Phil will talk abt by Gramps's bedside @ hospital.

Iris will have one hand on the rail of Grandpa Jim's bed and will tell Uncle Phil, "He's been fine 4 so long, Phil. If NEthing, I thought he mite have another stroke. ...But, it's his heart again." Phil will take both of Iris's hands in his own (and their hands will B oddly deformed just then), and he'll say, "Iris, I can't leave U like this!" Iris will go, "Go 2 the wedding, dear. We'll B fine. I want 2 B here when Jim wakes up." The 1st 1/2 of Iris's reply makes me think that she'll think he'll B offering 2 stay, but the 2nd 1/2 makes me think she'll believe he'll B suggesting she shd go 2 the wedding herself. MayB it's that she won't really know and will B covering both possibilities.

NEway, after she says that, she will take Phil by the arm and lead him out of the curtained area of Grandpa Jim's bed, while saying, "He's going 2 recover. I'm sure of that. --They're doing everything they can. So don't worry. Have a wonderful time... And just carry on as if nothing happened." And Uncle Phil will look gobsmacked.

Apes

Gramps! :(

OMG! OK, so Jeremy and I just got back from Gramps and Iris's apt. Early this morning, I'd gotten a phone call from Iris, all "April, you and Jeremy have to get here rite away!" So we totally did, and guess what? Gramps talked 2 us, like he did B4 he had aphasia.

He was like, "April, U have 2 listen closely. I can talk 2 U now, but I know it's only temporary and I don't know how long this will last. I had a premonition about yr sister's wedding day." I started 2 tell him that I've been having those, 2, but he waved his hand 2 let him continue. He went, "April. This is important. And you must not try change what I'm abt 2 tell U. On yr sister's wedding day, I'm going 2 have a heart attack." I was like, "NOOOO!" And Gramps put up his hand 2 quiet me and sed, "Yes, April. Here is how yr mother will find out. Yr father will B saying, 'It's almost time 2 go, El. Every1's ready.' And yr mother will B on the phone w/yr Uncle Phil, who will B w/us @ hospital. Elly (not 'El,' fergawshsakes) will tell him, 'Just a minute, John... It's my brother. Phil! Say that again? Where R U?!!' And Phil will say, 'I'm @ the hospital. Dad's had another heart attack. He won't B coming 2 the wedding. Iris is going 2 stay w/him. Georgia and I will B rite there--and Elly? Don't tell Elizabeth. ...He doesn't want 2 spoil her day.'"

I sed, "No! Gramps, we have 2 stop this! U R more important than the stupid wedding, and plus the whole reason Liz was doing all this rush-rush stuff was so U cd B there. MayB if we take U 2 hospital now. MayB if we throw out all that bad heart-attack food Mom has brought U this wk and refuse NE more!" Gramps shook his head vigorously. "April, no! Please listen to my wishes. The aphasia is going 2 come back and I'm going 2 go back 2 being a prisoner in my failing body. And no one even brings me my picture book NEmore!" I was like "I'll get U a new one," but he shook his head. "Stop, April! Listen, I don't know yet whether that heart attack will kill me, but if it does, that is the way it's meant 2 B. I'm already past my sell-by date, sweetheart. And frankly, that dress Liz is so anxious 4 me 2 C her gett married in looks nothing like the gown my sweet Marian wore when she was a strapping young airforce veteran!"

I just started 2 cry, so Gramps started addressing Jeremy. "Make sure she doesn't try 2 stop this young man. April has 2 pretend she doesn't know this is happening, because if her parents don't tell Liz, they surely won't tell April. She HAS TO put a smile on her face and go thru w/everything that's supposed 2 happen on that day. Everything that she's already reported on her blog, and all the stuff that will unwind afterwards, as well. The show has 2 go on!" Then there was sum more stuff I didn't even get, cuz I started 2 cry so hard I was practically dry-heaving, and Iris took me 2 the washroom 2 splash sum water on my face, and calm me down. Jeremy mite B able 2 fill in sum deets on what I missed.

When I got back from the washroom, Gramps was going, "Boxcar! No!" I was like, "Aphasia is back?" And Gramps sadly went, "Yes. Boxcar." :(

Apes

Ugh, whatever

Mom has gotten sum criticism 4 seeming 2 run off the moment Iris got home from her recent trip 2 Calgary, instead of sticking around 4 a bit and giving her a chance 2 decompress. So now she wants every1 2 know that she came by the next morning 2 treat Gramps and Iris to breakfast in bed. "I am SUCH a good daughter, April! Take notes!"

Mom sez that the 1st thing she did was pile a bunch of photo albums on the bed, so Iris and Gramps cd look thru them while Mom prepared their heart-attack food breakfast. Iris told me that while they were looking at sum old pix, Gramps pted 2 sum guy he knew from WWII, and Iris went, "Yes, that's yr friend Ernie. He flew a Lancaster, didn't he." Then Iris told him, "U C? U haven't 4gotten v. much, Jim!" Then she looked again @ the album, which was marked "1940-1947," and sed, "Thank goodness 4 photographs!" And Gramps went, "Yes!" Then they spent a bunch more time going thru that album and others, pting and laughing @ certain pix. Iris held an album called "Our Trip to England" as Gramps looked thru one called "1950-1967," and Iris was all, "The cottage @ Ka[w]kawa Lake!" Gramps sed, "Yes. Yes."

Looking @ more pix, Iris was all, "Here's yr son's graduation! ...The birth of yr 1st grandchild!" I hope they don't have pix of Mike's actual birth, don't U? Then, as Mom wheeled in the brekky cart, Mom was all, "So, how's the history lesson going, Iris?" And Iris went, "Fine, dear, just fine." And as Mom set up the cart and handed Gramps a tea cup, Iris sed, "We've worked our way up to the Middle Ages!" And of course, Mom laughed like that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

Gah, who calls going thru photo albums a "history lesson"? It mite B "history," but it's not a lesson, since obviously Gramps remembers all the stuff in it when he sees it. Way 2 set up sum super-lame wordplay. Again. Yuck.

Apes

Mom and Dad Made it About Themselves Again

When Mom got back from her visit w/Gramps, she found Dad grilling on the backyard barbecue. (Jeremy and I were inside making delicious vegan foods!) Dad was like, "So how's yr Dad, El?" Mom went, "I think he'll B fine, John--and Iris had a nice break from caregiving. Looking after him is a lot of work... U're always afraid that he'll choke or fall or something. He's so lucky 2 have her. He's so lucky to have sum1 there 2 care 4 him when he's failing, when he's frightened, when he needs help." Dad was all, "I know." Then he put an arm around Mom's shoulders and they simul-thoughtbubbled, "And I wonder... When the time comes... which one of us will play that role."

U prolly have noticed this is a pattern. Contact w/Gramps always leads them 2 consider themselves getting older. Hm. Make of that what U will.

Apes

Mucilage

OK, so I just heard what happened when Iris got back, ending Mom's few-day stay w/Gramps. Mom was all, "Welcome home, Iris!" And Iris was like, "Hello, my dear!" As Iris walked in2 the apt, she sed this 2 Mom, over her shoulder: "Thanks 4 staying w/yr dad, Elly. I did appreciate my time away."

She put down her bags and went, "And I'm sure he needed some time away from me 2! --He must get tired of seeing my face day after day after day!" And Gramps went, "No!"

Iris grabbed each of his hands in her own, and went, "U don't get tired of me? Well, that's good. Because I love U--and U're STUCK w/me! ...Bonded, fastened, cemented and glued!" Gramps thought-bubbled, "The feeling is mucilage!"

Is your first reaction "bwuh"? Is it to go look up the word "mucilage"? That was my reaction. Its definition from Dictionary.com is:

[myoo-suh-lij]

noun

1.	any of various, usually liquid, preparations of gum, glue, or the like, used as an adhesive.

2.	any of various gummy secretions or gelatinous substances present in plants.

And then mayB you're thinking, "Oh, so he means Iris sticks to him like glue. Is that good or bad?" And then you might be thinking, "But was he thought-bubble punning? What could be the pun? Oh, no. Was he punning on 'the feeling is mutual'? Gah, he was!" At least that what ran thru my head. This is an esp. weak pun (and I h8 puns 2 start with!). The only resemblance between the 2 words is the "myoo" sound at the beginning. [myoo-choo-uhl]/[myoo-suh-lij]. Ugh. Painful.

Apes

Good Grief!

OK, here's what I heard abt the start of Mom's "staying with"* Gramps so Iris cd go away a few days.

Iris went, "I shdn't B going, Elly." And Mom was all, "Of course U shd. U don't get away nearly enuf!" Then she zipped up Iris's suitcase and sed, "Dad and I will B just fine. The nurses will help with his bath, and he can manage with, U know... personal things." I guess we shd B gr8ful she didn't Brit-drop "the loo."

Then Iris stuck a finger in the air and was like, "Now, he likes a bit of oatmeal B4 bedtime, he gets up @ nite, so leave a lite on--watch him if he tries 2 use the stove, make sure he takes all his pills on time..."

Mom didn't say NEthing, she just grabbed Iris's suitcase, and in silence, they left the apt, went down the elevator, and left the bldg, where Dad was waiting w/his 'vASSe. Mom broke her silence then, w/"John's here 2 take U 2 the airport, Iris--and don't worry--Dad's in gd hands." Iris hugged Mom and went, "Good hands... Good heart..." Mom sed, "Goodbye." I wda sed, "Good glurge!" And Charlie Brown wda sed, "Good grief!"

Apes

*Yeah, I just felt like putting "quotes" around that.

Yesyesyes

So I heard that Mom showed up while Gramps and Iris were sitting outside. Mom was like, "Hello, Dad! They told me @ the front desk that I'd find U 2 out here." And Gramps was all, "Yes!" Then Mom was like, "It's so nice 2 have a garden behind yr apt." And Gramps again was all, "Yes." Then Iris went, "Elly has come 2 stay w/U dear--while I go and visit my son!"

Next, it seems Mom sat down by Gramps and went, "U know that I'm staying w/U 4 a few days, don't U, Dad. U remember, don't y..." And Gramps got impatient and cut her off w/"YES YES YES!" And Iris sed, "His memory's long enuf... It's his temper that's short!!" And Mom apparently looked mildly gobsmacked.

And so begins the story of "Elly stays w/her father so Iris can get away a few days." Calcul8ed 2 make U all think she's a "gd daughter" after all. We'll C if it works, eh?

Apes

Gramps the Conversation Piece

This morning, Gramps sent me another e-mail:

Hello, April!

In case you were wondering what happened after we got out of the elevator where no one was talking to me? Well, Iris wheeled me outside to the seating area where the olds in my building like to sit around and chit-chat. Two building employees came up to me--a young woman and a young man, and the young woman said, "It's good to see you outside, Jim!" She talked right to me, April! That was so nice! Then Iris said, "He's looking well, isn't he!" And the young man said, "Very well!" Then Iris told him, "He's had a few ups and downs, but in general, his health seems to be stable." And the man said, "Good to know, good to know."

Iris continued: "We've had some visitors lately and taken some nice drives. He watched a movie last night, and his daughter is coming to stay with him soon." If I could have spoken, I would have said, "Yeah, I'll believe THAT when I see it!" Also, I noticed that this nice young man was Asian and he almost seemed like an Asian guy drawn by a 60-year-old woman who has trouble drawing Asians without making them look as though their eyes are always closed! But then, I just thought, "I used to be part of a conversation.... And now, I'm a conversation piece!"

But don't feel too bad for your old Gramps. Your visit yesterday really brightened my day, as always!

Love,

Grandpa

Aww, poor Gramps. I hate when ppl talk abt me like I'm not there. :(

Apes

Talking walls

Gramps sent me an e-mail:

April,

Just a quick dispatch from your Gramps. Iris took me into the elevator recently, as she is wont to do. The elevator was quite full, and as soon as the door closed, the "oldies" in the elevator shared the most scandalous gossip! Iris forbids me from sharing the details, but I can tell you that I found myself thinking, "If only the walls could talk!" Wait, maybe the reason I was thinking that was because everyone seemed to be ignoring me, down at wheelchair level, while they swapped their gossip. And if the walls could talk, at least then, someone would have been talking to me!

Oh, my, there goes the old fert, getting himself depressed. April, I know you're busy with the vet clinic and Liz's wedding plans, but can you spare some time today to visit your old Gramps?

Grandpa Jim

So I wrote back and sed I wd def. make time 2 visit. I'll get Dixie out from where Mom has her tied up and also bring my guitar, of course!

Apes

Oldies for the oldies

After dinner w/Gramps and Iris (during which no1 but me ate the salad), Iris started 2 help Gramps away from the table while saying, "I think Jim needs a rest now, April." Channeling my MOM, I was all, "But we haven't had dessert!" Then I felt embarrassed cuz that was such an Elly Patterson kind of objection. But Iris just went, "That's OK. Y don't U bring yr guitar in2 his room? He luvs 2 hear U play." Once Gramps was tucked in2 his bed, and I was sitting by his side w/my guitar, I went, "NE requests from the audience?" And Iris sed, "Well, sum golden oldies, of course!" And I sed, "Umm--I'll C what I can do." I thot 4 a sec, and then sed, "Here's sumthing from way back in 1985!" And I had a feeling that Iris was behind me looking gobsmacked, and then it occurred 2 me that 1985 is, like, "just yesterday" 2 old foax.

Oh wells. I played "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen. Which became even more popular the following yr, when it was featured on the soundtrack of the classic old move, Pretty in Pink. Since I had that soundtrack on my mind, I also played "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths, "Left of Center" by Suzanne Vega, and "Wouldn't it Be Good" by Danny Hutton Hitters.

Then I realized Gramps was asleep, so I tiptoed outta his room. MayB this story will continue in my blog entry Monday, or mayB we go 2 sumthing completely diff. I dunno abt 2morrow, but I accidentally found out that a week from 2morrow is gonna B a boring reminisce from Dad.

Apes

Standing Ovation

More abt my recent visit w/Gramps. We were sitting @ the table having tea and cookies, and I told Gramps, "We're almost finished school, Grampa--and I have a summer job @ a veterinary clinic here in town!" And Gramps went "Yes?" Then I sed, "It's just cleaning cages and doing odd jobs, but it's all pretty interesting! ...I got my driver's license [sic] [back in December]. I'm a good driver, 2. U'd B proud of me!" Then, I was saying this: "Oh, and I got an award in music. I got top marks in performance and composition!..." And while I was saying that stuff, Gramps pushed up in2 a standing position while saying, "MMM HHH," and I asked, "Gramps? ...Grampa! R U OK?" And I was relieved that he was saying MMM HHH and not MMM MMM, which has a diff meaning.

Gramps was standing there, supporting himself w/his arms, and kind of nodding his head. I was confused abt this, and went, "What R U doing?!! IRIS?!!" I started 2 stand up as Iris sed, "Don't worry, dear." Then she kind of led me in2 a hug w/Gramps, while saying, "...He just wants 2 give U a standing ovation!!" I was surprised she knew that just from him standing and nodding, but I guess when U're w/sum1 all the time, U know stuff, eh?

So, now U know my summer plans--staying local insteada going 2 the farm in Manitoba. Mom sed I had 2 stay in town in case Liz got it 2gether 2 have a wedding, like mayB in August or whatevs.

Jeremy, I thot studying w/U last nite was v. v., um, productive. <3 <3 <3

Apes

Crying

So, the day after my recent mall trip, I did go 2 visit Gramps and Iris. Gramps was sleeping when I got there, so we went in2 the bedroom, and I was all, "Grampa? Grampa..." I noticed that his glasses and the remote control were next 2 him on the bed. Iris went, "April's here 2 C U, Jim. April's here!" Gramps went, "Mm?" Iris kinda pulled him up 2 a seated position while saying, "Let me help U up." And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Then Iris sed 2 me, "Put the tea on, wd U, sweetheart?" And I sed, "Sure." While I was putting the tea on, I cd hear Iris saying, "She brought her music and a box of yr favourite cookies, and she's going 2 stay 4 dinner." C, I decided 2 bring more than time. And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Once I'd gotten the tea into 2 teapot and the cups set up on the counter, Iris opened the bedroom door and sed, "He's so pleased 2 C U, he wants 2 walk our here on his own, so U can C how well he's doing!" Then Gramps came out of the bedroom, struggling w/all his might 2 walk out using his walker. And his struggle made me so sad, I thought, "I want 2 cry."

Jeremy, I hafta say our visit w/yr grandparents last nite was v. interesting. I was surprised they knew so much abt my life, yr life, our friends' lives, and how things "work" in Mboro. It's almost like they sit around each day finding out stuff that happens 2 us and discussing it in gr8 detail 2 make jokes abt us!

Also, I luv U, 2!!! <3 <3 <3

Apes

Celebrations

K, so guess what happened yesterday? Mom was going thru sum old calendars and she suddenly was all, "Oh, Crud! We 4got all abt my dad's birthday!" I'm like, "What's this 'we'? Jeremy and I went 4 a visit on his b-day and he was so happy 2 C us!" Mom was like, "Well, John, we have to go 2nite!" Dad was all, "Aw, can't U go by yrself? I'm supposta have a train d8 2nite!" Mom sed, "No! I'm making Dad a roast beef and ordering a cake from the bakery, and U're coming w/me!"

Dad asked if they were getting a special "belated" birthday cake, and Mom kind of snorted B4 saying, "Heck, no! We'll just pretend 2day's his birthday. He won't know the difference!" I started 2 argue that he wd, but Mom hushed me.

So, according 2 Mom and Dad, they drove over 2 Gramps an' Iris's bldg, as Mom's casserole dish containing the roast beef emitted its stench aroma. Visibly. The smell trail made a big line stretching from the car all the way 2 the bldg, and when Mom and Dad went in2 the apt, Mom and Iris air-kissed while Mom was like, "Hello, Iris!" And Iris was all, "Welcome, welcome!"

Gramps was sleeping in his favourite chair, and Iris woke him by saying, "Jim! Elly and John R here. They've brot us a lovely roast beef dinner." As far as I know, Iris had not looked inside the dish and was going on Mom's propaganda about the "lovely."

As Mom lifted the lid 2 let the smell have completely free reign from the dish, Iris did her "narrating" thing and told Mom, "This is wonderful, dear. Yr dad is so pleased 2 C U!" Then, during a silent interval, Iris got the table set and every1 seated @ the table. Gramps sat @ the head of the table, Dad @ the foot, and Mom in the middle of one side. Iris served the food, and then went over 2 Gramps and sed, "Let me cut that 4 U, Jim." She sat @ the corner of the table near his left hand, and was all, "Here. Use yr special fork."

After the dinner was over, Mom was helping Iris clear the table and asked Iris, "Does Dad know what the occasion is?" Poor Iris, always being expected 2 B Gramps's interpreter. Iris told her, "I'm not sure, dear." Then she went over 2 the cake box, which was on the kitchen counter, and lifted the box while saying, "But that's OK. All that matters is that he's still here w/us." Then, in another silent interval, Iris put the cake on a big serving tray, stuck a single candle in it, lit the candle, carried it over 2 Gramps (who was in his favourite chair again) and sed, "Which makes EVERY day a celebration." Gramps smiled, cuz, CAKE.

L8r, Iris called me and sed, "April, dear, yr mother was concerned abt whether Gramps knew what occasion we were celebrating. I came up w/a homily abt how every day is a celebration since Jim is still here w/us. But really, of course he didn't know what the occasion is. It was eight days after his birthday. Jim may be old and aphasic, but he knows when his goshdarned birthday is! My goodness, this all just makes me even more thankful that U and Jeremy came by on his real birthday. He had no trouble knowing why U were there!"

So there U have it. Mom and Dad celebrated Gramps's birthday. Eight days l8. Woot.

Apes

I agree with Mike--Check forecasts for Hades Freezing Over

Mike has sum more 2 share abt when he, Dee, and Liz went 2 C Gramps while Liz was wearing the Magical Mystery Wedding Dress:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story of my important part in helping Elizabeth secure the permission of Grandpa Jim to let her wear Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress. Deanna and I stood in the corner. Then we turned into silhouettes. Then we went into the kitchen to see if there was something to eat. Fortunately, Iris always has a little something lying about. Deanna and I had at it.

In the meantime, Elizabeth decided to launch into a series of “Yes and No” questions, and she was fortunate that Grandpa Jim was in his “Yes” mood. Who knows if he actually meant “Yes”, but at least he didn’t start saying “Boxcar” or swearing like he usually does when I visit.

What did Liz ask him? Let me see. I believe it was, “You do remember this dress, don’t you, Grandpa?” He responded with “Aaahhh…yesss, yes.”

Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have decided to get married.—Would it be OK with you if I wore Grandma Marian’s dress?” He responded with, “Ohh…yesss!”

Then Liz said, “Thank you.” and she leapt to the ground at Grandpa Jim’s feet and grabbed his arms so vigorously, I thought she was going to pull him out of his wheelchair. I think Iris did too, and she started to pull Liz off Grandpa Jim while she was saying, “Elizabeth, it will make him so happy to see you walk down the aisle in that dress!” Clever woman, trying to make sure she and and Grandpa Jim get invitations to the wedding.

Then she grabbed Grandpa Jim’s arm and said, “You will be happy…won’t you Jim.” This is just to remind everyone that Grandpa Jim has been doing the depression thing ever since he had a stroke. So, Iris was trying to extract a promise for him to be in a good mood at the wedding, and not his usual, swearing, cranky cuss.

Then, as I predicted, Grandpa Jim thought “We were so happy” and managed to generate a thought bubble with him and Grandma Marian in it from their wedding day. I decided to take a look at it; because I was looking forward to being overwhelmed with a sense of romance and grandparently nostalgia. I thought I might even shed a tear, just like those people who drink coffee with mom.

I turned to my lovely wife Deanna and said, “Who the heck is that woman? And why doesn’t her dress look like the one Elizabeth is wearing? The flow of the skirt is wrong. The material around her chest is different. Grandma Marian wore glasses. They didn’t have contact lenses back in 1946. What is that weird stuff coming out of the back of her head? Oh my god, Deanna. Grandpa Jim was married to some other woman than Grandma Marian?”

Deanna said, “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. That’s Grandma Marian.” I said to Deanna, “It most certainly is not. Grandma Marian in her wedding dress looks like this. Why has no one told me that Grandpa Jim was married 3 times?”

Deanna said, “Shut up, Mike! That’s Marian.” I said, “Deanna. I’ve gone along with this charade long enough. That’s not Grandma Marian. Grandpa Jim can’t even thought balloon the same dress right in front of him that Liz is wearing. He’s thinking of some other woman and some other wedding.” Deanna said, “Oh, Mike. Somewhere out there is someone looking at this thought balloon and weeping for the memory of their grandparents on their wedding day. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?”

I said, “Only if they are complete, brainless idiots.” Sorry, April, but the idea that Grandpa Jim would thought balloon a different woman than Grandma Marian has set me on edge. It’s one thing for him to ignore Iris, but to ignore Grandma Marian is beyond the pale.

Love,
Michael Patterson

OMG, U guyz! I agree w/Mike abt sumthing! Yeah, that is totally NOT Grandma Marian's dress, and I M totally wondering if sum1 has implanted sum false memoriez in Gramps's brain. And notice when he was asked if he remembered that dress he sed, "yes," but no1 confirmed that he remembered it as Grandma M's dress! What else cd he B remembering it from, eh?

This is all v. disturbing.

Apes

Ew

Mike has more 2 say abt when Liz came by 2 show off her ring and Dee got her 2 try on the crawl-space wedding gown:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story about my part in the day where Liz tried on Grandma Marian’s dress for the first time. We were in our kitchen, my wife Deanna, Liz and me. Liz had on the Grandma Marian dress and was extending the front part of the dress by holding it with each of her hands. She could have fit a lot of people under that dress. So, I picked this moment to say, “Whoa! Gram’s wedding dress fits you like a glove!” My wife Deanna shot me an evil look and she said, “It was meant to be, Liz!---You should wear it!” As you know, April, our sister is obsessed with that fate stuff, so Deanna was really pushing her buttons with the “meant to be” line.

Liz went to look at the dress in the mirror and out of nowhere, this extra piece of material showed up on the back of the dress to make a big ruffle. I could have sworn it wasn’t there yesterday. While she was looking in the mirror, Deanna grabbed the neck of the dress to pull the material back, so Liz couldn’t see that Grandma Marian had a little more up front to fill out the dress than Liz does. While she was standing in front of the mirror, Liz said, “I wonder what Grandpa would think if I decided to wear it. I should ask him first.” Get this, April. Liz didn’t want to take the dress over to Grandpa Jim’s apartment and show him on a later date, after calling in advance to see if he was awake. She wanted to go right then and there, while she was still wearing the dress, and Deanna and I had to come with her. Deanna was dumbfounded, but not so dumbfounded that she forgot to call you to come over and take care of the kids. You weren’t there, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that the kids had not killed each other or burnt down the house when we got back.

The whole way over to Grandpa Jim’s, Liz was saying, “He probably won’t remember what her dress looked like. …It was such a long time ago. Grandpa Jim’s memory is pretty bad anyway. Even if he does remember the dress, he can’t say anything about it because of that 'faze yuh' thing he has. But what if he decides he doesn’t want me to wear it and he wants to snuggle with it like a blanket. That would be too gross. He already has those pictures of Grandma Marian, Iris put beside his bed. Darn her! He might have forgotten about Grandma Marian, if it weren’t for those pictures.”

Then when we finally got there, Iris got Grandpa Jim ready, and Liz walked in the door with the dress on. I said to Deanna, “Look. There’s a picture of Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian in her wedding dress on the mantle. Grandpa Jim’s not going to think this is Grandma Marian’s dress Liz is wearing. He is going to call your bluff.” Deanna just said, “Michael. You should not ever underestimate what a lecher your grandfather is. He will say whatever it takes to be able to grab a young girl.” Sure enough, Grandpa Jim reached out toward Liz and his arm got longer and longer as Liz said, “Or…perhaps it all feels like yesterday” which I suppose was her somewhat punny reference to the idea that Grandpa Jim was trying to feel her.

More tomorrow, April. Will Grandpa Jim let Liz wear the dress? Will he figure out it’s not really Grandma Marian’s dress? Will he figure out that Liz is not Grandma Marian? Will he get confused about seeing Liz in a wedding dress and assume that she already got married without telling him? Or will Grandpa Jim have a series of vivid, emotion-packed, thought balloons remembering Grandma Marian wearing the same dress Liz was wearing? For the answers to these questions, check in tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

If Gramps starts having thot bubbles like that, I'll bet it will B cuz sum1 implanted him w/false memories. I read an article abt that once. I wonder who wd go 2 all that trub 2 give Gramps False Memory Syndrome?

Jeremy, sorry my Grandma Marian brot the Leafs bad luck last nite. I never wda thot she'd B a Bruins fan.

Apes