Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

Painful Punning

It turns out one of the reasons 4 Mom's visit was 2 infodump Gramps re. the wedding plans. While Mom was still sitting on the floor in front of Grandpa Jim's chair, she was all, "I'm glad Iris decided 2 visit her son, Dad. I've been wanting sum time alone w/U. I haven't been keeping U up-2-d8, but now I can tell U what's going on in our lives." And Gramps went, "Yes!" How odd, U'd think Mom cdn't keep Gramps' "up-2-d8" when Iris is around. It's not exactly classified info.

NEway, Mom went on w/"The wedding is all planned. We're having it on August 23rd." Hm, don't U think Gramps wd know that from having received an invitation? Or mayB he was one of the 10 non-RSVPs and Mom assumed that Iris threw away the invite and never told Gramps abt it? Sorry, I'm digressing again. Mom continued like this: "Elizabeth is going 2 look lovely in Mom's dress*, and Anthony's uncle is supplying formal wear 4 the men!" Don't U think the detail abt Anthony's uncle supplying formal wear is a weird thing 2 include? Y shd Gramps care abt that? Or mayB Mom feels the need 2 show how little this bride and groom actually had 2 pay 4. Found dress. Don8ed flowers. "Supplied" formal wear. What else?

Next thing Mom said was, "April's going 2 sing! Wait 'til U hear her! Michael's writing a wonderful speech [groan], the children R all in the wedding party!" Then Gramps is supposed 2 have thot, "I guess U cd call this a 'glow-by-glow' description'!" Y Gramps? Glow by glow? What has Mom done 2 his brain?

Doug McKenzie, in answer 2 yr question, we do have taverns in Mboro, but I don't know if that's what made Dad l8 that one time in 1980. He sez he doesn't remember the incident. I can't believe it--he's had lots of head trauma over the years.

Apes

*That's NOT Grandma Marian's dress!

Cuz Liz, she's freaky!

After my stop @ Lakeshore Landscaping, I brought Liz the catalogues, saying, "Lawrence let me borrow sum catalogues, Liz!" She sed, "Gr8!" And we sat @ the kitchen table. While Liz went thru one of the catalogues, I sed, "He sed 2 choose what U wanted and he'll take care of the rest." Liz went, "He and Nick R so generous."

Then, I did that annoying ticking-off-fingers-to-count-items gesture while saying, "So... U're wearing 'Grandma's' dress, the flowers will B taken care of, the bridesmaids R organized, the place is booked and we've talked 2 the caterers. ....What wd U like 2 freak out abt next?!!" Liz did a heavy-lidded stink-eye look, but I think that mite actually have been cuz she hadn't had time 2 think of what she wanted 2 freak out abt next. Liz needs 2 mull things over a lot.

Apes

Liz is in a pissy mood

Liz has been @ our TTH a lot, planning her wedding. Just the other day, Liz was sitting @ a table fuming, and I asked her what she was so upset abt. She was like, "April, U just cannot understand how stressful it is 2 plan a wedding! I have 2 make all these decisions! I can't just say, 'Whatever comes is OK w/me.'" I have 2 make definite, distinct choices. It's horrible, April! Horrible! I should be allowed 2 let faith and f8 decide all this 4 me, but I'm NOT!" She burst in2 tears, so I asked her if there was NEthing I cd do 2 help. And she sed, "YES! Get out of my FACE and stay out of the way."

So I called Eva and Vicki Simone, and we went 2 the beach. When I got back, Mom was all, "April, we're working on the wedding! --I thot U were going 2 help!" And I sed, "I was helping!" Then Mom and I went 2 where Liz was hunched over that table, fuming again, and I sed, "...I was staying out of the way."

OK, if U C a pic of Emma Sue Jenkins, and sum1 tells U it's my Grandma Marian, do NOT go along with it! Grandma Marian looked like Mom, only older. Emma Sue Jenkins looks kinda like the Granny in Looney Tunes, the one who has Tweety Bird as a pet. There is a disinformation campaign, which we think originates in Corbeil, 2 get ppl 2 believe Emma Sue Jenkins = Marian Richards. NO! We must resist!

Jeremy, I think it's awful how peeps R trying 2 confuse my poor Grandpa Jim abt Grandma Marian!

Apes

Blogging from Beyond

Hello, April Patterson's readers. This is the Ghost of Grandma Marian, hacking into April's account. Normally, we ghosts are urged not too interfere too much in the lives of the living, but sometimes a spirit just gets fed up!

Recently, my daughter Elly and granddaughter Elizabeth went to the home of my grandson Michael and his wife Deanna, so that Liz could try on "my" dress, after Deanna's alterations. I commented here before to say that I don't know whose dress that is, but it ain't mine! My dress had a high collar, buttons up the front, mutton-chop sleeves, and no lace. It fit in perfectly with my image as a veteran of the Royal Canadian Air Force.

So, Liz put on this dress that looks like something you can pick up off the rack at any bridal store today, and she stood up on a block that Dee had placed for her. Dee was pinning the hem, and Elly was kneeling in such a way that, for a moment, I thought she'd lost her legs. Then I saw one pathetic little heel of hers peeking awkwardly behind the swath of white fabric she was holding aloft, and I knew she still had legs, only they were poorly attached.

Next thing I knew, Dee was pulling at Liz's bodice, pins in mouth, as Elly held the pin cushion and Liz had an incongruously smug expression on her face. Maybe it was the novelty of being "felt up."

Liz continued to look smug, closing her eyes and posing as if a photographer from Modern Bride were in the room, and Elly said, "You've done a wonderful job on this dress, Deanna!" And Deanna said, "Thanks, Elly!"

Liz opened her eyes as Dee tugged at the waist line and said, "It sure was hard to cut the fabric. I kept wondering what your Mom would think." And Elly said, "My mother would have loved to see her wedding dress worn again." I guess that's true. I wonder where it is?

Elly told Liz, "Turn around again, please, Elizabeth." And Liz twirled about while saying, "Like this?" Elly said, "Yes... I think she'd have been very happy. And if she was here right now.... She'd be helping you to try it on." I was about to say, "No, Elly, it's 'if she were here right now,'" when suddenly I saw another ghost, a plump, cheerful, stereotypical 'grandma' type, holding a ghostly veil aloft, as if she were about to place it on top of my granddaughter's head.

Naturally, I had to intervene. I tackled her and said, "Who the heck are you?" She said, "Why, I'm Emma Sue Jenkins! I used to live just down the street, when I was alive that is. I love weddings! I used to crash every single wedding in Milborough, and no one ever stopped me, because I was a sweet old lady and they figured I knew someone. I think this veil would look lovely on your granddaughter." I said, "Don't be stupid. You can't put a ghost-veil on a living bride! Didn't you read the manual?" Emma Sue got up, dusted herself off with her ghost-veil, and said, "Hmph! I'll find another wedding to get involved with!" And she passed through the door.

Later, as Elly bathed in the claw-footed tub that's in the basement of their new house (the space that's supposed to be April's), I stood to one side and judged her. What kind of a mother is she, spreading lies that April's been picking flowers from the neighbourhood gardens, just so she can simultaneously get April out of the house (to use the tub) and also cover for that no-good son of hers, whom she never taught you should never steal flowers from people's gardens? I'm going to judge her some more after I wrap up this entry for you all.

Cordially yours,

Ghost of Grandma Marian

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

THAT dress (not THIS one)

So Liz was holding the dress and contempl8ing it. I'm not sure when it made its way 2 our teeny-tiny train house, but whatevs. As Liz was gazing at the dress, I went over 2 Mom and sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding. The dress she had on looked nothing like the one Liz has got." Mom grabbed me by both shoulders, pinched really hard, looked me in the eye w/a scary-intense expression, like she might kill me if I don't do as she sez, and she hissed, "April Marian Patterson. That is my mother's dress. It was stored in the crawlspace and miraculously survived the years and inadequate storage. You go in there and tell yr sister that U saw those pictures from yr grandparents wedding and that yr Gram looked beautiful in that dress. And when yr sister puts on that dress, make a comment abt how wierd it is 2 B wearing a dress that was worn so long ago. Throw in a 'like' 2 make it authentic teenspeak." She let go, and I went, "OK. But don't U mean 'weird'?" Mom went "What?" And I sed, "U told me 2 say it's 'wierd.' Don't U mean 'weird?" Mom grumbled sumthing abt how she cd never get that str8 and she just doesn't understand Y 'weird' is exempt from the "I before E" rule. I sed, "That's the English language. The rules have exceptions."

NEway, I went 2 Liz, who was holding the dress still, and I sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding, Liz. She looked really beautiful in that dress." I kind of subtly leaned on the word "that" so I @ least acknowledged in my own head that I meant that dress as opposed to this dress. Liz stepped in2 the dress, and she looked over her shoulder @ me so I'd know she needed 2 B zipped up in the back. I had 2 struggle a bit 2 pull the sides 2gether and get her zipped, tho Liz wasn't noticing as she sed, "She was almost the xxact same size as I am!" And I sed, "Weird, hum?..." That was a Dad-ism I threw in, since I was using lines I'd been fed NEway. I went on w/"I mean, it's weird 2 B wearing a dress that was worn, like, so long ago."

Liz pulled @ the sides of the skirt part and sed, "The fabric is beautiful." I sed, "Yeah, it's pretty cool--an' U know what? Xxcept 4 the back an' the sleeves an' the neckline, it actually looks GOOD on U!!" Yeah, cuz, w/all those things not xxcepted--it really didn't look good on her!

Howard, I asked Liz, and it looks like Liz is going 2 pass on that one wedding venue. Thanx, tho! Jeremy, yeah, that lady we ran in2 was whacked! Dunc, I cannot believe U downed 17 XL dbl-dbls @ HT's last nite!

Apes

Mom tells Liz there's no rush

When Liz dropped me off after giving me a ride home from my visit w/Gramps, she and Mom had a sit-down in the kitchen. Liz told Mom, "Mom, I really don't want 2 rush in2 this marriage. I want 2 take my time." Mom sed, "Of course U do. My Dad saw U in my mother's [yeah, right!] wedding dress, Elizabeth. He doesn't have 2 C U walk down the aisle. It's enuf 4 him 2 know U're happy and have solid plans 4 the future. Don't rush. Take yr time. This decision is yrs and Anthony's 2 make. Do what's right 4 U." Then Liz sed, "On the other hand... A summer wedding wd B nice!"

Hm, I think Mom mighta used sum reverse-psych there, don't U? Notice she never sed that Liz seems 2 B having 2nd thots about marrying Anthony @ all, and that mayB this means he really isn't the one 4 her after all. Doesn't it sound like Liz's fear of "rushing" pts 2 that?

Apes

Ew

Mike has more 2 say abt when Liz came by 2 show off her ring and Dee got her 2 try on the crawl-space wedding gown:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story about my part in the day where Liz tried on Grandma Marian’s dress for the first time. We were in our kitchen, my wife Deanna, Liz and me. Liz had on the Grandma Marian dress and was extending the front part of the dress by holding it with each of her hands. She could have fit a lot of people under that dress. So, I picked this moment to say, “Whoa! Gram’s wedding dress fits you like a glove!” My wife Deanna shot me an evil look and she said, “It was meant to be, Liz!---You should wear it!” As you know, April, our sister is obsessed with that fate stuff, so Deanna was really pushing her buttons with the “meant to be” line.

Liz went to look at the dress in the mirror and out of nowhere, this extra piece of material showed up on the back of the dress to make a big ruffle. I could have sworn it wasn’t there yesterday. While she was looking in the mirror, Deanna grabbed the neck of the dress to pull the material back, so Liz couldn’t see that Grandma Marian had a little more up front to fill out the dress than Liz does. While she was standing in front of the mirror, Liz said, “I wonder what Grandpa would think if I decided to wear it. I should ask him first.” Get this, April. Liz didn’t want to take the dress over to Grandpa Jim’s apartment and show him on a later date, after calling in advance to see if he was awake. She wanted to go right then and there, while she was still wearing the dress, and Deanna and I had to come with her. Deanna was dumbfounded, but not so dumbfounded that she forgot to call you to come over and take care of the kids. You weren’t there, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that the kids had not killed each other or burnt down the house when we got back.

The whole way over to Grandpa Jim’s, Liz was saying, “He probably won’t remember what her dress looked like. …It was such a long time ago. Grandpa Jim’s memory is pretty bad anyway. Even if he does remember the dress, he can’t say anything about it because of that 'faze yuh' thing he has. But what if he decides he doesn’t want me to wear it and he wants to snuggle with it like a blanket. That would be too gross. He already has those pictures of Grandma Marian, Iris put beside his bed. Darn her! He might have forgotten about Grandma Marian, if it weren’t for those pictures.”

Then when we finally got there, Iris got Grandpa Jim ready, and Liz walked in the door with the dress on. I said to Deanna, “Look. There’s a picture of Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian in her wedding dress on the mantle. Grandpa Jim’s not going to think this is Grandma Marian’s dress Liz is wearing. He is going to call your bluff.” Deanna just said, “Michael. You should not ever underestimate what a lecher your grandfather is. He will say whatever it takes to be able to grab a young girl.” Sure enough, Grandpa Jim reached out toward Liz and his arm got longer and longer as Liz said, “Or…perhaps it all feels like yesterday” which I suppose was her somewhat punny reference to the idea that Grandpa Jim was trying to feel her.

More tomorrow, April. Will Grandpa Jim let Liz wear the dress? Will he figure out it’s not really Grandma Marian’s dress? Will he figure out that Liz is not Grandma Marian? Will he get confused about seeing Liz in a wedding dress and assume that she already got married without telling him? Or will Grandpa Jim have a series of vivid, emotion-packed, thought balloons remembering Grandma Marian wearing the same dress Liz was wearing? For the answers to these questions, check in tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

If Gramps starts having thot bubbles like that, I'll bet it will B cuz sum1 implanted him w/false memories. I read an article abt that once. I wonder who wd go 2 all that trub 2 give Gramps False Memory Syndrome?

Jeremy, sorry my Grandma Marian brot the Leafs bad luck last nite. I never wda thot she'd B a Bruins fan.

Apes

Marian's Magical Dress

So, Liz included Mike and Dee in her "I'm engaged" telling tour a lil while back, and here's what he has 2 say abt that:

April,

Formerly little sis. Liz might write you about the next part of her story. But since it involves me, I thought I would write it up; so it’s not all about her. After she came to visit mom and then came to visit you in your bedroom to show you her ring and cast aspersions on your matrimonial plans, the next logical step would have been for her to have a conversation with dad. However, she decided to visit Deanna and me instead. This was on a completely different day from the day she visited mom and visited you and we had been forewarned she might come to see us to show off her ring eventually. Mom specifically told me to make a fuss over her ring, because no one had done that yet. Mom was quite right that this ring is pretty much the exact opposite of the type of ring that Anthony’s ex-wife Thérèse was sporting during their marriage. Nevertheless, I put on a game face and as I held my sister’s hand said, “Whooo! Nice ring, sis!” That’s sounds somewhat complimentary doesn’t it? Deanna didn’t think so. After Liz left she was all over me for being so sarcastic in my ring-complimenting.

Anyway, Deanna said that thanks to my lame complimenting, she had to distract Elizabeth before she would realize what I had done and started to get upset. If you remember back from late February, when my wife was crawling through the crawl space in our house and found Grandma Marian’s wedding dress, Deanna took it to the cleaners and had it placed in one of those boxes with the window on top. She pulled it out to show Liz and she said, “This is your Grandma Marian’s wedding dress. I found it in the crawl space and I had it cleaned.” Liz didn’t say anything like what I would have expected like, “Why didn’t you give this dress to mom?” or “What was this dress doing in the crawl space in the first place?” or “Cheeze, how could this dress possibly have lasted over 60 years?” Instead she reached out and touched the window on the box and patted it. She did this enough times, where Deanna had to say, “It’s a window covered in plastic, and that’s why your hand isn’t going through.”

Then Deanna handed the dress over to Liz, who took it out of the box. Deanna said, “Try it on!” Liz said, “Should I?” And you know, April, this habit of asking permission at every step of the way, Liz has picked up from Anthony Caine is pretty annoying. So, I said, “Sure!!” in order to convince her to do it and move things along.

With Deanna’s help, Elizabeth did try on the dress, right there in the kitchen. Deanna was bent down touching Liz’s leg through the bottom fluffy part of the dress, muttering things like, “With these fat legs and huge butt, it’s a good thing this part of the dress has plenty of room.” Liz was trying to find a pocket on the dress with her left hand and she said, “I don’t know about this, guys…it doesn’t feel quite right.” I asked, “Why?” and naturally Liz went to a thought bubble to answer the question instead of telling me. It was then I got really confused. Back last February, when Deanna found this dress, I could have sworn it had solid material for sleeves and not these gauzy sleeves Liz was wearing. And also, I don’t remember the dress being low cut in the front. I said to Deanna, “This doesn’t look like the same dress.” Deanna just hissed at me in that low voice she has which almost always means danger if I don’t do what she says. She hissed, “Shut your flapping gob, Michael Patterson. It’s Grandma Marian’s dress and I will hurt you if you dare to suggest to Liz it is not.”

Deanna’s visage of anger was too unpleasant for me to look at, so I looked at Liz and read her thought bubble. It said, “Gram….I feel like I should be asking for your permission!” And of course I thought, “Cheeze. It’s the asking permission thing again. Visits with Liz and Anthony are going to be really annoying if this keeps up.”

That’s about it for this part, April. There will be more tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Funny thing--Dee snapped a pic of Liz in that dress and e-mailed it 2 me. That dress does NOT look like what Marian has on in Grandpa Jim's wedding pics. Plus, like Mike sez above, it doesn't look like how it did when Dee found it in the crawl space. Which makes me wonder how Mike "recognized" it from the wedding pix. Magical dress, eh, Dee?

Liz wrote me this:

April, I saw what Mike wrote about my visit there, and I want to add some things. First, he forgot to say how I was glowing because I'm so happy to be engaged. He's supposed to be a writer, and writers are supposed to say that kind of thing about their sister when she gets engaged! He should have mentioned that I looked beautiful in that dress, and it was like the dress had been made for me!

Also, Anthony has showed me that asking permission is just good manners. Mike should spend more time with Anthony so he can improve his manners!

I would add more, but I still have to finish grading those tests I was supposed to turn in four weeks ago, and my students' parents get pissy when I turn them in a month late.

Liz

And now U R all up 2 d8, 4 now.

Apes

Wake up, Liz, yr story mite B coming after all

Yeah, so there's more 2 tell abt Mike and the junk from the crawl space, apparently:

April,

Formerly little sis. There comes a time in a man's life when you simply have to agree with your wife’s intuition about things, even though you know full well she is probably wrong. Such is the case with my Deanna and her tendency to “know” things which happened, that she could not possibly know happened.

After finding the stuff in the crawl space I told you about yesterday, my lovely wife, Deanna started going through the things in the crawl space and coming into the room where I was doing research for my next novel Breaking the Windjammer to show them to me. Did you know that encyclopedias, even the really cheap ones which come in 3-ring binders, are a veritable fount of information? I have learned so much about real windjammers with our set of 3-ring binder encyclopedias. What they do not explain though, is why my wife was so fascinated with declaring how each item she found was some kind of valuable item.

You see, April, you may find that after you are married; you may want to keep your dress so that your children and grandchildren can wear it too. In fact, you may invest in one of those vacuum-sealing dress boxes, which will keep the dress like new for decades. Or, you could store your wedding dress in a shoebox and put it in a crawl space and not let anyone know about it. I am sure you can tell the relative difference in attention to proper dress storage between the two methods, as I did when became an expert in the matter from my research on it for one of my weekly columns entitled, “So You Only Thought Your Mom Was Fat When She Got Married.”

When Deanna came up to me with this dress in a shoe box, and said, “Remember that old stuff of your mom’s that I pulled out of the crawl space?...Check this out! I think it’s your Grandma Marian’s wedding dress,” it was all I could do to restrain myself from exclaiming about proper dress storage. In fact, when Deanna pulled the dress out and put it up to her body as if to try it on for size, it was even more difficult to restrain myself from pointing out how Deanna couldn’t fit into that dress and Grandma Marian was even less likely, because she was not a particularly small woman. Instead of pointing out to Dee the errors in her assumptions I said, “You’re right! --I’ve seen it in pictures. I didn’t even know my mom had it!”

Deanna held the dress wistfully up to her eyes to see it better and made yet another statement she could not possibly know. She said, “I think Grandpa Jim brought it with him when he moved here from Vancouver.” My thought was, “No. More likely mom brought it with her when she cleaned out Grandma Marian’s stuff in Vancouver”. When Deanna is in one of her “make up the things that happened” moods, it is best not to get in her way. The way Deanna was looking at it, started to creep me out, so I said to her, “What should we do with it?”

At this question, Deanna clutched the dress to her breast, and exclaimed, “Michael, this is an heirloom!!!” I wanted to say that people don’t put heirlooms in shoeboxes and throw them into nasty crawlspaces, but once I again I restrained myself. Instead, I decided to build on the logic Deanna had already used. If it was an heirloom and it had been stored in a crawlspace, I said, “Oh. Then…I guess it goes back into the crawl space.” After all, isn’t that where the shoeboxed heirlooms go?

Needless to say, Deanna did not agree with that sentiment. In fact, she had another completely different sentiment for the dress involving my sister Elizabeth and her wedding day. I could tell from the way the gears were churning in her head, Deanna was beginning to think that Elizabeth should be wearing Grandma Marian’s wedding dress. This is, of course, a ridiculous idea. For one thing, it is white. For another thing, Elizabeth would never be able to fit into the dress. It was too small for Deanna, holding it next to her body; so you know Elizabeth is way too big for it.

Well, this was an exciting story about Deanna finding a wedding dress in the junk. Tomorrow, I think I will have some more to tell about this fascinating story.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Oh, I wdn't worry abt the fit, Mike. I M guessing this will turn out 2 B a magic wedding dress that, when Liz tries it, will reconfigure itself 2 B the perfect fit 4 her. And yeah, I can't imagine it wda been Gramps who brought it. That totally sounds like Mom, when she packed up all their stuff. And what the heck w/sticking it in the crawl space? Do NE of U psychology peeps think this sounds like a sign of sum unresolved hostility Mom mite have had against Grandma Marian?

Apes

Mike's Flashbacks Go To Potty

Remember how the theme of Mike's flashbacks this week was going 2 B him teasing Liz cuz he thot she "deserved" it? No? Don't feel bad, I don't think Mike does either. Here's his l8est installment:

April,

Formerly little sis. After I told you yesterday about how I wanted to go outside to play in the dirt, I thought I would remember something from 1979 about Lizzie doing something to give her equal time.

As you may or may not know, April, toilet training varies from child to child. My son has gone back and forth. I remember when he was a little over two years old , he had a definite sense of what the toilet was and how to use it. However, this last year, he was regularly soiling his diaper. And yet still he sometimes surprises me by wearing green-polka-dotted boxers.

During mom’s day, it was much easier. “Grandma Marian” would call her up and tell her to do it. There was one time I remember when mom was on the phone receiver with the cord obviously disconnected from the base of the phone, having a great, conversation with “Grandma Marian”, while sewing at the same time. She would say, “Of course I’m going to train Lizzie, Mom—I just don’t think she’s ready for it yet!”

Then she would sew some more and say, “Yes, I do have a potty…She just won’t sit on it.—Sure it’s a regular one. No, it’s not too big…”

Then mom would look at little Lizzie walking around. Lizzie learned to walk at a very young age, and the way she would keep her balance was by putting her potty on top of her head. This would cause mom to make some kind of comment to “Grandma” like, “I’d say it was a perfect fit.” or “Lizzie doesn’t let her potty go to her head.” Or “Lizzie is very headstrong about her potty” or “When it comes to a potty, Lizzie likes to immerse herself in the subject.”

Now, you are probably thinking, what is mom doing spending money on a training potty, when she wouldn’t do that for you? The answer is that mom didn’t actually spend money on a training potty. Little Lizzie’s potty she put on her head and walked around with, was an actual metallic, grey, pot with a handle. Yes, April, mom loved Lizzie that much and why? Because she was cuter than I was, so she deserved it.

Love,
Michael Patterson

W8, Mike, R U saying that Mom had, like, pretend-phonecalls w/Grandma Marian, where she didn't even have the receiver connected 2 the phone? Was this supposed 2 B a "pressure" technique 2 get Liz 2 use the potty? That seems pretty mean!

Apes

Pix, rings, and love

While I was @ Gramps and Iris's place 4 that visit I've been telling U abt, Iris put Gramps 2 bed (sumhow). As she was tucking him in, I sed, "I try 2 cheer him up. I bring Dixie 2 C him, and I practice my guitar..." Iris was all, "I know--and he enjoys yr visits so much. But he drifts in2 the past now. He remembers how things USED 2 B." B4 I had the chance 2 ask how she knows that, since there is no way he can say all that, I got distracted cuz Iris was like, "I put a picture of yr grandmother on his bedside table." I was like, "U did?" Then, she sed, "It seems 2 cheer him up." I went, "Iris... it looks so strange! I mean--Grandma Marian died! U're his wife now!" And Iris sed, "Yes..." Then she put one hand on my back, kinda motioning me 2 the bedroom door 2 leave the room, and she sed, "This isn't abt the ring on my finger, dear... It's the love I have in my heart."

Sad, eh? :(

Apes

The trip was wrapping up

Mike had another installment in his reminiscing w/Merrie:

April,

Formerly little sis. You may remember that I led my daughter to her bedroom, where she showed me her stuffed animals Rags, Ditzy, Woggy, and Blue Bell. And of course her remote control, whom she calls Buttons, which her child psychologist gave her to help her with her recurring nightmare about being burned while she is sleeping. She can use Buttons to change her dreams, if she doesn’t like it. Well, even though my daughter was fully dressed, she decided to crawl under her covers and go to bed. She curled up with her stuffed rabbit, and shoved her curly-haired doll to the side and kept Buttons in her hand.

I got into her bed and lay down beside her to continue my story about Gramma Marian and our trip to Vancouver.” My daughter tried to pretend she was sleeping. I said to her, “Daughter. You don’t fool me. It’s the middle of the day, and you don’t snore.” Then my daughter picked up her Buttons remote, pointed it at me and pressed the buttons several times, as if that would work.

I launched into my story about the pictures I had to show her. I said, “Two weeks was a long visit. Eventually we started to get on each other’s nerves. Mom was on Grandpa Jim’s case about his smoking and things got tense.” My daughter said, “Grampa Jim.” I said, “Did I say Grandpa again?” My daughter said, “Yes. If two weeks was a long visit, how would 4 weeks of looking at photos be?” I said, “Daughter. You better get used to looking at photos. Our family is going to be doing that for a long time.” My daughter sighed the deep sigh of Patterson resignation.

So I pulled the first picture out of my pocket to show her. It was of Gramma Marian putting a red sweater over her blue shirt. Mom was wearing blue too, and she said to Gramma Marian, “Do you have to wear blue all the time, mom? ---And why don’t you change your hair?” My daughter laughed and laughed. I said, “What’s so funny?” She said, “Gramma Elly never changes her hair and she wears the same colours all the time. Gramma Marian is just like Gramma Elly.” I said, “That is a very good comparison, but do not ever let mom hear you say that.” My daughter said, “Why?” I said, “Mom likes to think she is different from Gramma Marian.”

Then I showed my daughter the next picture. In it is Grampa Jim in the background chain-smoking, which is how I most remembered him. Gramma Marian is holding her coffee cup, which is how I most remembered her. Mom has her hand over her mouth and is not saying anything, which is how I wish I remembered her. Gramma Marian said, “We’ve always been sorry you didn’t finish university before getting married, Elly…” My daughter said, “Why would they be sorry?” I said, “Because Gramma Marian and Grampa Jim paid for mom to go to university and she quit after a few months to start working to save some money.” My daughter said, “You mean, Gramma Elly kept her school money?” I said, “Yes.” My daughter said, “No wonder Gramma Marian was mad. They gave Gramma Elly money to go to school and she kept it and didn’t go to school. That’s like stealing.” I said, “No, it’s not stealing.” My daughter said, “If you gave me money to buy something for school, and I kept it instead, what would you think?” I said, “I would think there was going to be a young lady who was going to be very sorry.” My daughter said, “Oh!”

In the next picture there was mom sitting in front of two silhouettes, one of Grampa Jim with either a cigarette or a tongue hanging out of his mouth. The other was of Gramma Marian walking away. Mom has a thought balloon written on the picture saying, “I wondered how long it would take before we resumed our old parent-daughter roles…” My daughter said, “What does that mean?” I said, “Mom and Gramma Marian and Grampa Jim all had things they were mad about with each other. Mom didn’t like the way Gramma Marian looked. Gramma Marian was mad mom did not use her university money for university. Grampa Jim was mad because he just was, most of the time, particularly when he smoked. Whenever we visited, they would be nice for awhile, so mom would agree to come back. Then mom would start picking at them about things.” My daughter said, “The same way she does now.” I said, “Exactly. Just like today, except Gramma Marian is dead.”

My daughter said, “When you get old and I come to visit you, are you going to show me photos?” I said, “What do you mean?” My daughter said, “Because Gramma Elly and Gramma Marian did what they used to do. What we are used to doing, is what we did today. We looked at old pictures.” I said, “Maybe. You never know.” My daughter said, “I don’t want to ever get old.” I said, “You don’t have anything to worry about, then daughter. You are going to stay young forever.” My daughter pointed her Buttons at me, and clicked the buttons a few more times.

More tomorrow, formerly little sis.

Love,
Michael Patterson

I admit, I hadta LOL that Mom was on Grandma Marian's case abt changing her hair, since Mom's been wearing her hair in that bun since 1996. I've tried 2 suggest changes, but she alwayz ignores me.

Howard, I'm not sure what 2 make of that message from Lirpa:

April,

Just Eat Real Elbow Macaroni You
Love It’s Vibrant Exquisite Sauce

– lirpA

I wonder if it's code. I hafta think abt it.

Apes

Wonderful years

So, Mom came by bright and early with her notes for the reminiscing. "Do it right, April!" was what she shouted over her shoulder as she left. Yeah.

Well, I made pancakes and settled@ the kitchen table w/Merrie and Robin. Robin wasn't really interested in the pics, so he stuck w/his Hop on Pop book instead. Merrie was all, "So which pictures did Grandma Elly pick?" I sed, "She skipped over the ones w/yr Grandpa John back here in Milboro and went 2 the ones w/Grandma Marian cuddling yr Auntie Liz, while sitting w/yr Grandma Elly. I pted out 4 pix in this lil series. Mom had her hair down loose around her shoulders and sat alongside Grandma Marian, who's holding Liz while Liz loox like she wants to grab @ Grandma Marian's earring. Merrie asked, "Is Auntie Liz trying 2 steal that earring?" I sed, "MayB. In the 2nd and 4th picture, we can C she's grabbed on2 Grandma Marian's matching necklace."

Merrie asked, "Is Liz a kleptomaniac?" I sed, "I don't think so. But she does get distracted by shiny things. Anyway, let's see what the speech bubbles say. Merrie sed, "Y do these fotos have speech bubbles? My friends' families don't put speech bubbles in their pictures." I sed, "It's b-cuz yr Grandma Elly dreamed of being a cartoonist, like Charles Schultz. But she never learned how 2 draw, and she dropped out of uni B4 she had a chance 2 learn much abt writing. So instead of cartooning, went thru all her pix and wrote in speech bubbles." Merrie was all, "WEIRD!" And I sed, "Yeah."

So I pted @ the 1st picture, and Merrie read it out loud: "I must say--I do enjoy being a Grandma, Elly!" Merrie wanted 2 know if this means G'ma Marian expected 2 h8 being a Grandma, but I didn't have an answer 4 her. Next bubble, I read:" I'm free 2 luv and spoil these 2--then give them back when they're tired!" I was like, "Hmph! By the time I came along, Mom had established her no-spoiling-by-grandparents policy." Merrie agreed that this was sad. "I like Grandma Mira. She likes to spoil us." I agreed that grandparents are supposed 2 B able 2 do that.

On 2 the next frame, Merrie read: "No sleepless nites, no diapers, no mess, no babysitters, no tears--" Then I picked up the last frame: "Oh, why did those wonderful years go by so fast?" Mom gives her a little smile as she sez this. Merrie sed, "Auntie April, Mike wasn't there 4 this conversation. Y was he gonna B the one who tells me abt this?" I sed, "I don't know. 4 sum reason Mom has decided that Mike is, like, the family spokesperson now." Merrie was like, "Oh. Auntie April, was this going 2 help xxplain Y Grandma Marian was so gr8? I think Mike 4got 2 answer that."

I shook my hed and sed, "If this family weren't so hung up on wordplay, Mike mite have explained what a 'gr8 grandparent' is. It's not like a r8ing system, from fair grandparent through gr8 and gr8est. 'Great grandparent' just means your parents' grandparents. Yr Gr8-Grandma Marian was just yr father's grandmother. Your grandma Elly's Mom. Your parents' great-grandparents wd B yr great-great-grandparents. 4 Every generation, U add another 'gr8.'"

Merrie shook her hed and sed, "Is that all? Well, now that I know, can we just skip over the rest the pictures while Mom and Attic Guy R away?" And I sed, "Don't 4get yr Grandma Elly wants us 2 do this. There mite B a quiz." And Merrie sed, "Oh, yeah."

Then we finished off breakfast and Mom came by 2 take them 2 school and daycare.

Apes

Remembered Eavesdrop

Here's the next bit of Mike's remembrances:

April,

Formerly little sis. In today’s set of pictures I sought to teach my daughter one of the basic tenets of being a Patterson, which is: Until you have your kids with you, you are still a kid. This is something you will have to face as you get older, but hopefully you will not reach the point our dear sister Elizabeth has reached in being 26 years old and still a kid. I know mom thinks she would like to count Anthony Caine’s little Quebecoise girl as Elizabeth’s kid, once they finally get married. She is anxious to have an adult conversation with Elizabeth for once. I tried to explain this to my daughter, and she said, “Auntie Liz is still a kid? That must be why she hugged her dolly when she went to bed.”

To explain it more vividly, I showed my daughter this first picture of 4 pictures. In it mom has nestled a coffee cup to her elbow, while Gramma Marian is knitting with one knitting needle. The word balloon for mom says, “Mom, when I was here before Christmas, you spent a week lecturing me…” My daughter said, “What’s lecturing?” I said, “Lecturing is when someone tells someone else something they should be doing.” My daughter said, “A week! How could she spend a week doing that?” I said to my daughter, “You have to understand Gramma Marian was a very slow talker and she liked to repeat herself a lot and she never seemed to realize when a conversation was over.” My daughter said, “I thought you said she was great at everything.” I said, “She was great at lecturing too. Most people can’t lecture for more than an hour, much less a week.” My daughter said, “A week!! How did Gramma Elly survive?” I said, “She didn’t visit Gramma Marian very much.” My daughter said, “Smart.”

Then we looked at the next picture and mom decided to nestle her coffee cup in her hands. This time Gramma Marian was knitting with two knitting needles. The word balloon coming out of mom said, “This time, with the kids…our relationship is so different!” My daughter said, “Because she is knitting and not lecturing?” I said, “Exactly.” My daughter said, “Why do kids stop a lecture?” I said, “We’ll find out in the next picture.”

Sure enough, in the next picture, mom had put down the coffee cup and started playing with Gramma Marian’s knitting. Gramma Marian was back to one knitting needle again. The word balloon coming out of her mouth said, “Maybe that’s because alone—you’re my daughter…” My daughter said, “What is Gramma Elly doing?” I said, “I think she must be picking bugs out of Gramma Marian’s knitting.” My daughter said, “You don’t know about knitting, do you daddy?” I said, “And I never will, unless I write a book about it. Then I will be an expert.”

In the next picture mom was looking up at Gramma Marian, and she folded her arms across her knitting and her two knitting needles. The word balloon coming out of Gramma Marian said, “But with the kids---we’re both moms.” I said, “You see, daughter. This is the basic premise of being an adult Patterson: You must have kids and the kids must be with you.” My daughter said, “You mean if Gramma Elly didn’t have kids, then Gramma Marian could spank her or make her go to her room or not let her use the phone?” I said, “Exactly right. If you don’t have kids with you, you are just a kid yourself, and your parents can treat you just like you were a naughty little 5-year-old.” My daughter said, “Gramma Elly didn’t go to see Gramma Marian by herself, did she?” I said, “No, daughter. She didn’t. Did you ever wonder why it is that my mom hardly visits my Grandpa Jim in his apartment?” My daughter nodded. I said, “That’s the reason.” My daughter said, “Daddy. I thought it was because we don’t like old people.” I said, “No daughter. The ways of the Richards and Pattersons may seem harsh and cruel to some; but to others, it is a way of life filled with untold riches. Imagine if most people thought you had to visit a smelly, old man, who said bad words all the time, just because you were his only daughter and you lived in the same town he did. With the Patterson way, you can say you are avoiding visiting your father, because a visit gives him the right to treat you like a kid. And who wants that?” My daughter said, “Not me.” I said, “Exactly.”

More tomorrow, formerly little sis. I think I will talk about a fateful wrestling match between my sister and me and Grandpa Jim.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Well, I doubt Gramps has the physical strength to spank Mom, now, Mike. And with the aphasia, he can't lecture. I dunno, I think most ppl wd find Mom's xxcuse 4 staying away so much 2 B pretty lame!

Oh, ppl, guess what Mom just dumped on me this morning? Sumtyme tomorrow, Mike an' Dee R leaving 4 a vacation. They'll B gone till Sunday. Mom told them it was high time they started taking Mexico vacations, w/out their kids. And guess who's gonna B watching the kiddles while they R away? Me, that's who. Not only that, but Mom sez that it'll B MY job 2 go thru the foto albums w/Merrie. Mom AND Mike will B leaving me notes. Well, unless there's a sudden memo from Corbeil saying it's time 2 switch over 2 discussing Liz and Anthony, but I don't think we get 2 do that until @least Monday.

Apes

Luggage Follies in Flashback Vancouver

Here is the next bit of what Mike told Merrie as they looked @ pix and talked abt the trip 2 Vancouver when Mike had just finished kindergarten and Liz was a baby:

April,

Formerly little sis. I was quite relieved today to discover that mom did not hand me new pictures, and I was actually able to find the photos of my trip (mom wanted me to talk about yesterday) with mom and Elizabeth to see Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim in Vancouver. I showed them to my daughter and said, “Finally, we arrived.” My daughter said, “That’s great grandmother Marian and Grampa Jim with their arms out.” I said, “That’s right, and mom has her arms up and she is saying ‘Mom! Dad!” My daughter said, “How could she see?” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “Gramma Elly. Her hair is over her eyes. How could she see?” I said, “Obvious she can’t. She is waving over to the right, when Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian are right in front of her.”

Then we looked at the next picture. Grandma Marian had my head in her enormous hand. I remember she had really big hands for a woman. Her word balloon to me in the picture said, “Now, Michael, you take this bag, I’ll take your suitcase…” I remember Grandma Marian loved to play that luggage-switching game. I don’t think I ever got that suitcase back, but I might be wrong. My daughter said, “Oh no! Daddy! Gramma Elly can’t see and she’s kissing Grandpa Jim on the mouth! Eww!” I said, “It may come as a surprise to you daughter, but there was a time when your Grandma Elly was affectionate.” My daughter said, “She kissed a lot of people?” I said, “Yes.” Then my daughter said, “What’s Grandpa Jim putting in Gramma Elly’s bag?” I said, “What? What do you mean?” Then I looked at the picture closely, and sure enough, there was Grandpa Jim’s hand reaching into mom’s bag on the side. I knew what it must be, but who wants to get into a discussion with a daughter about the more criminal aspects of Grandpa Jim and mom. So I said, “No, daughter. That’s what we call an optical illusion.” My daughter said, “What’s that?” I said, “It just looks like Grandpa Jim slipping something into mom’s bag, but his hand is really reaching out to pick up Elizabeth. Let’s look at the next picture.” I certainly didn’t want her to keep looking at that one.

In the next picture, I have a small bag, Grandma Marian has my bag. In her word balloon she said, “You take Elly’s luggage, dear---and we’ll leave her to pick up the baby’s things.” Grandpa Jim had Elizabeth in one arm and mom’s luggage in the other. I remember Grandpa Jim was Elizabeth’s favourite because his cigarette breath was almost as bad as her Lizardbreath. Mom picked up an extra suitcase off the luggage carousel, which you could barely see in the picture. My daughter said, “Why didn’t Gramma Elly give great grandmother Marian a kiss?” I said, “Didn’t she?” My daughter said, “No.” I looked back at the pictures and I said, “Now daughter, do you see anyone giving Grandma Marian a kiss?” My daughter said, “No.” I said, “There you see, it’s all equal. It doesn’t matter if mom doesn’t kiss Grandma Marian, if no one kisses Grandma Marian.” My daughter said, “Poor great grandmother Marian.”

I decided to show my daughter the next picture. It was of mom, holding the stroller, her pocketbook, the suitcase, a bag full of stuffed animals, and a large garbage bag of things. My daughter, “Gramma Elly was a cowgirl!” I said, “A cowgirl. What do you mean?” My daughter said, “Her legs are like a horse rider.” I looked and sure enough, there was mom all bow-legged and looking disoriented. I said to my daughter, “I think the joke is that Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim thought there wouldn’t be as much baby stuff as there was, and mom didn't tell them.” My daughter said, “Who took the cases to the airport?” I said, “We all did.” My daughter said, “Then Grandma Elly knows how many suitcases she has.” I said, “Probably, but her short term memory stinks.” My daughter said, “What?” I said, “She might have forgotten how many bags she had.” My daughter said, “Then how did she know what bags are hers?” I said, “From the labels.” My daughter said, “That’s silly.” I said, “I know and that’s why it’s funny. Sometimes silly things are funny.” My daughter said, “Maybe. So did Gramma Elly get on a horse to carry the bags?” I said, “No. Grandpa Jim came back and helped her, and she didn’t ride him.” At least I think she didn’t.

Well, formerly little sis, tomorrow is my break from looking at photo albums, so I hope you have something exciting to write about. Something more exciting than getting luggage in an airport would be quite nice.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I asked Mom Y she had me Photoshop those fakey pics of her with U and Liz on the plane 2 Vancouver when we had perfectly gd real pics on the plane. She rolled her eyes and sed the originals did not lend themselves to the current storytelling theme, and if I had NE sense of narrative "like yr author brother Michael does," I wdn't even ask.

Yeah, I really hope I'll have sumthing more interesting 2 tell U all abt 2morrow, peeps!

Apes