She did, when she finally noticed

More about Liz's wedding this past Saturday. When Anthony and Liz did their run down the aisle (with Liz trying 2 crib the look Dee had on her face when she and Mike did their trot @ wedding #2), sum1 was all, "Congratulations, U2!" And sum insensitive clod was like, "It's about time!" That mighta been Mom. Gordo, standing on the Antman's side, went, "Wooo-hooo!" And sum silhouette guy from Anthony's side went, "Ya-hooo!"

Then, even tho Anthony and Liz had charged down the aisle, suddenly they were back @ the front, w/the bride's-side crowd gawking @ them. And Liz had a teensy-weensy light bulb turn on over her empty head, as she went, "Anthony--where's my grandfather? And Iris! ...They're NOT HERE!!" Then she turned 2 Mom and sed, "Mom--sumthing's happened! Where's Grandpa?" And Mom went, "He's in the hospital, honey. He cdn't come." And Liz sed, "Then, we'll have 2 go 2 HIM!" Mom was like, "But, U just got married! Do U have 2 go NOW?" And Liz went all carp-mouthed and sed, "I do."

And... I'll tell U more 2morrow!

BTW, 2day is Mom's b-day. She sez she's 57. She's gonna B @ Lilliput's all day, having coffee and accepting b-day wishes and gifts.

Apes

I feel like one of those precogs in Minority Report

I woke up knowing sum more abt the upcoming Lizthony wedding (23 August). Sorry, Mike, nothing abt Dad saying he's proud of you. MayB I'll try and trick him in2 saying he's proud of U, eh? It cd B an interesting rhetorical xxercise.

So, 2day's premonition involves Gordo Mayes driving Anthony 2 the wedding. Unlike Gordo, Anthony will B wearing a lavender bowtie. Gordo will go, "Nervous, Anthony?" And Anthony will B all, "Yes and no..... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and no, because I'm marrying the right girl!" Gah, poor Thérèse. I wonder if Anthony had this convo on his wedding day three yrs B4, only w/him saying, "Yes and yes... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and yes, because I'm marrying the wrong girl! I'm gonna go wait outside the church so I can greet Liz when she gets there!"

Gordo will say, "I've known U both 4 a long time. I've seen U thru a lot of crazy circumstances--an' I gotta say... This feels like it's gonna work. U're doing the rite thing. I guess he'll leave out the bit where he remembers thinking, "Anthony's doing the WRONG thing" 3 yrs earlier. Sure Thérèse wd luv this convo!

NEway, Anthony will then ask Gordo, "Gord, wd U get married a second time? Hypothetically speaking... Wd U?" and Gordo will say, "Yes and no! Yes, because I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4! And no, because... ...I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4."

The way Gordo'll B talking abt his marriage in the past tense--let's all keep an eye on Tracey! Make sure she's, U know, OK.

Jeremy, I M so glad the side effects of yr JohnPattersonitis vax will B wearing off soon. All the punning, all the talk abt dentistry, trains, and toolkits--glad it's going away!

Apes

Gordo will provide cars and puns

I woke up knowing sum more abt what'll happen on Liz's wedding day (August 23) and was surprised to realize I'd already gotten up to a "Liz" part. Liz will B sitting as Carleen Stein (Carleen?!?!?!) helps her affix the veil to the back of her hair. Meredith will be standing nearby, holding her flower basket and looking kinda smug. In the background will B three silhouettes. I'll come up 2 Liz and be all, "Gordon's arranged 6 limousines for us, Liz!" And Liz will go, "Six?!!" And then Meredith will go in2 silhouette as I lean in towards Liz and say, "A stretch limo for U and the bridal party. The rest R for family. He's even hired drivers 2 pick every1 up @ their homes!" (As opposed 2 when U get a limo U have 2 drive yrself or all those times U have 2 walk 2 the limo place, eh?)

Liz will go, "Wow." Then Carleen will go in2 silhouette and Liz will say, "I'm stunned! Really! We're going 2 feel like celebrities!!" And I'll say, "Yep!" Then I'll look over my shoulder and tell her, "He sed, 'Mayes Motors never does NEthing half classed!'"

R U thinking it's odd that Liz won't know these transportation deets until the actual day of the wedding? Yeah, that'd B true of most brides, but Liz has been weirdly uninterested in her own wedding process. Imagine if my line were going to be, "Uh-oh, looks like we're all taking taxis! We forgot 2 arrange 4 transportation!"

Apes

More Early Jerkish Behaviour

OMG, I don't think I'm going 2 B able 2 wrap this up, foax. I'm afraid this current series of "young Michael" stories I'm sharing R going 2 go in2 a 3rd week. I M so, so sorry abt that!

U mite remember that in the last bit I told U abt, I was in the restaurant @ Gordo's place (I like 2 call it Gordo's Garage an' Grill). Liz, Anthony, Mike and I were in a booth having cinnabuns and coffee as Mike and Liz shared stories that were supposta show that Mike was smart, inquisitive, emotional and theatrical, and maybe also that even tho Mike an' Liz R closer in age than I M w/either of them, sumtymez they were "far apart." Only the stories were really NOT showing NE of that. Oh, w8. Painfully literal Mike mite pt out that when Liz was in the house and he was in the park w/Lawrence, or in his kindergarten class, he was [literally] far away, but Liz was actually trying 2 B figurative. Try 2 follow along w/that, Mike.

So, NEway, the next thing that happed was that Mike wanted 2 share a story he thot was totally hilarious. Again, he sprung speech bubbles he sed we hadta watch. First speech bubble showed yung Mike crouching in front of the mail slot in the front door of the Pattermanse. He had it propped open so he could peer out, and his thot bubble had, "Seven .... six .... five .... four ... three ... twooo ... onnne... ....Aaanddd...." Then in Mike's next thot bubble, we cd C him unhinging his jaw, screwing his eyes shut, and screaming out the slot, "YAAAAAA," and then, last thot bubble showed the poor mailman on the other side, w/the rest of Mike's screech coming out of his gaping maw (which we cd actually c thru the slot): "AAAAAAAAAH." The letter carrier was stooped down 2 put in the mail, and Mike's screech seemed 2 hit him in the face like a big wind, causing his hat 2 fly off, his hair 2 blow back, and 3 letters 2 fly outta his hand.

Then Mike sat with a self-satisfied look on his face that clued us in on this being the last bit of this particular thot-bubble show. I sed, "So I guess the pt of this story is that Michael has ALWAYS been a jerk--or @ least since he was five." Liz started 2 nod absently, when Mike gave her another stern look and she stopped. Then Mike said, "Come, now, formerly little sister. Look at the gr8 imagination that story demonstr8ed. And come on, THAT was theatrical. Did U C how well I projected my voice? U know U hafta project yr voice in the theatre!" I sed, "U weren't in the theatre, Mike, U were in the mail slot." He sed every gr8 hasta start sumwhere.

Anthony, of course, fell all over himself 2 pt out how wonderful a story he thot that was. "Sheer genius, Michael! What an excellent prank! I hope Francie starts displaying so much imagination in her prankery. Just yesterday, she tricked dear ol' Dad by feeding me the wrong answers 4 the Milborough Gazette crossword, but that is so sedate compared 2 Michael's hijinx!"

I sed, "Yeah, whatever." Cuz, U know, lost causes. Jeremy, thanx so much 4 taking me 2 that Police concert. It was so much fun, even w/yr Mom along w/us acting all overgrown fangirlish. I totally understand parents being embarrassing!

2morrow, sumthing diff, but then Monday, prolly more of the same.

Apes

Lemonade stand

So on that long, long day, about a week and a half ago, when Liz did her laundry, drove me home, got mad @ Mike, left, came back, got me 2 get back in the car w/her, and went 2 Mayes Midtown Motors 4 a fillup, and told me stories from when Mike was five and she was a little baby? A little baby not even present 4 most of the stories she was telling? Yeah, well, I'll U what happed next.

When the station attendants saw that Anthony had gotten gasoline all over himself while trying 2 give Liz her fillup, one of them, André, came running over and sed he'd take over so Anthony cd clean himself up and change his clothes. It seems he always has changes of clothes in his office cuz stuff just goes wrong that regularly.

NEway, B4 he went off 2 change and clean up, Anthony sed that we shd meet him in Gordo's restaurant. Lest U 4get that Mayes Midtown Motors has one. With cinnamon buns.

So Liz and I got a table, and while we w8ed 4 Anthony, Gordo came over 2 chat. "Liz! What have U been up 2?" She told him a summary of our day. He was like, "Really? Seriously? Sounds like U can really use sum coffee and cinnamon buns. On the house, of course!" He snapped his fingers for a waitress, who came over not looking v. happy 2 have sum1 snap fingers @ her.

"Cindy! Free coffee and cinnamon buns for these two. They're Pattersons!"

Cindy bit her lip and sed, "Yes, sir!" She took our coffee orders and left.

Anthony appeared with Michael trailing behind him. "Liz! April! Gordon! U'll never believe who I just ran in2!"

Gordo sed, "Since Michael Patterson is standing rite behind U, I'd wager U ran in2 him."

Anthony was all, "Yeah! Hey, it's no mistake he's the boss, am I rite, ladies? And Mike?"

So Mike sat down next 2 me and Anthony plunked himself next 2 Liz. Mike was all, "Lizardbreath, which story did U just tell?" She let him know that she'd just told the story of Mike's big "KASMASH" from the kitchen while dad was bottlefeeding Liz." Mike was like, "Oh! Well, U have 2 tell the lemonade-stand story next!" That was the very next one in the sequence!

And Liz sed, "Since U R here and U're such an xxpert, Y don't U tell it?"

Cindy showed up w/the coffee and cinnamon buns and put them on the table. Then she took coffee orders from Mike and Anthony.

Mike was like, "Good thinking, Lizard! Leave the storytelling 2 the professional when he's available! Okay, so watch carefully." Mike sprang 4 consecutive thot bubbles. In the 1st, 5yo Mike was sitting on the stoop just outside the house. He had a sailbout next 2 him, and he had his head resting on 2 grotesquely 4shortened 4arms, with his elbowz on his knees. We cd C Mom's legs in plaid just behind him. Mike had a speech bubble with, "I don't have NEthing 2 do. I don't have NE1 to play w/." In the next thot bubble, Mom was sitting down on the stoop next 2 Mike. In this panel, he looked bald and had the double-eyebrow effect peeps useta get then. His arms were crossed on his knees and his hands looked v. deformed. Mom had an arm around Mike and sed, "I have an idea! Y don't we set up a lemonade stand!" 3rd thot bubble, Mike, still balding, was C'n across the street telling Lawrence and sum freckled kid w/glasses, "Hey, guys! My mom is settin' up a lemonade stand!" In the background was Mom setting up the stand in front of the house: "Lemonade 1 c." Final thot bubble, Mom was sitting at the stand, pouring lemonade 4 Mike, who had his tung sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Lawrence, Gordo, another boy, and a little girl were crowding around the table. Mom thot bubbled, "Sumhow.. this isn't what I had in mind..."

Gordo sed, "Oh, I remember that! Mike, yr mother's lemonade was horrible! It's like U'd get a gulp of sour lemon taste, and then a big clump of sugar. It was awful. As soon as we'd tasted that junk, we all ran home."

Mike looked kind of sad. "Yeah. Then I was bored again. I think I got Mom 2 put on a puppet show."

Liz went, "Where was I during all this?"

Mike sed, "Oh, U were in yr crib. Mom useta just leave U there when she was bizzy and Dad wasn't willing or able 2 help out. When we went back in2 the house U were screaming. U'd spat up all over yrself and yr diaper was soaked."

Liz sed, "It just figures!" When Mike gave her a stern look and rolled his eyez in Anthony's direction, Liz sed, "But Mom cdn't help it b-cuz she knew she was nurturing a son who was xxtra smart and sensitive and theatrical and inquisitive, who needed the xxtra attention."

Anthony broke in w/"B-sides, all that neglect helped make U the good person U R 2day."

Gordo sed, "I'm having an Elly-Patterson lemonade flashback. I'm outta here."

Stay tuned 4 more reminiscing.

Apes

Yet another party 4 Mike

U mite've thot the party Mike had @ Weed's place back in March wda been it 4 celebr8ing his book but U wda been wrong:

April,

Formerly little sis. As it turned out, April, my wife’s obsessive cleaning actually had a purpose for a change instead of just being a way for her to work out her frustrations. Josef Weeder was there, and he had to bring Carleen Stein along. Gordon Mayes was there too. They all came over to our house to celebrate the publishing of my book. Unlike last spring, when Weed threw me a party for the exact same reason, this time I had an actual book to show them. I put on my best Patterson man outfit (pullover sweater and collared shirt), Deanna put on a slinky black dress, Josef wore his usual black, and Gordon came with his shirt untucked and the front unbuttoned down to his chest (which means he came from visiting the…well…the place Gordon likes to go after work before he goes home), and nobody cares what Carleen was wearing.

We broke out the wine glasses and I was just about to settle into a nice comfy chair to receive the adulation of my adoring friends, when Josef Weeder decided to make a toast in my honour, and I had to get back up to clink glasses. Josef said, “Here’s to you, man! Michael Patterson-writer, author, and all-round great guy!” It was a special moment. I could tell because everyone’s mouths were open.

Then my kids crawled on the floor of the landing at the top of the stairs in order to peer down at the party below and inadvertently cut the lights off downstairs. So enthused was my Josef, it did not even slow him down. He continued with, “This is just the beginning, you know! With a second book in the works and an outline for a third, you’re well on your way!” I don’t know if I mentioned my third book to you or not, formerly little sis. I am thinking that if Stone Season does well, I might have to do a sequel to continue the story of Sheilaugh Shaugnessey, perhaps calling it Stone Season II: The Revenge of Harvey Rood, the Undead or Rock, Paper, Scissors Season or Sheilaugh.

Nevertheless, Weed’s kind words touched my heart. Even in the dark I could clearly see the admiration and fondness in his eyes and I moved closer to let him know his well wishes were highly appreciated. Then Gordon Mayes turned the lights back on, and I discovered my lovely Deanna was standing right next to me. It was quite disconcerting and it shook my otherwise confident demeanor. I said, “I just hope the first one goes well…if it’s a failure…” Deanna reached down and grabbed a certain part of me that succumbs easily to pain and said, “It won’t be a failure!!” The pain made my eyes move into the center of my head and I am sure fear onto my expression. I hate it when she does that. Fortunately, no one was looking in that direction, not even Josef. Then Gordon Mayes said, “Hey—there’s no place here tonight for misgivings!” At first I thought he was saying my house was a lot smaller than his, but then I realized he was simply saying a few words to restore my confidence, I think.

Little did I suspect that Gordon’s overheard words would provide me with more consternation with respect to my son. At the top of the stairway, I heard him say, “Who’s Miss Givings?” My daughter gave him an open palmed gesture and rolled her eyes at him. I wish she had answered him. He has continued this line of questioning ever since. I tell my son, “It’s not Miss Givings. It’s misgivings. You have misunderstood what Mr. Mayes was saying.” Then he says, “Who’s Miss Understood?” Then I say, “It’s not Miss Understood. It’s misunderstood. That’s another way of saying misinterpret.” Then he says, “Who’s Miss Interpret?” I tell you formerly little sis, it is enough to drive a father crazy, even a father who is on the verge of setting Canadian book-selling records.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Poor Robin. Dee told me she's looking in2 sum of those early-intervention programmes. And Mike sure has a congratulatory buncha friends. Y doesn't he get the kinda friend who calls him "spoiled" and looks for an expiration d8? Or who tells him "refugee" stories meant 2 show him how good he's got things?

Apes

Blahblahblah Mike's Book

Mike's got sum more 2 say abt his book:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, April, sometimes Deanna tries to hide things from me. You may go into a marriage thinking it’s about sharing everything and being open and honest; but a lot of a marriage actually is in the hiding. I was reminded of this just recently when I got my shipment of copies of my new novel Stone Season from my publisher Reiner and Browne. After my family got over its fascination with packing peanuts, we discovered there were 8 more books in that tiny box, which my son had not found.

Naturally I had to get on the phone immediately and tell people about the shipment and share the wealth with my closest friends. Of course, this was made a little difficult when I realized that Deanna had placed a bowl of fresh fruit on the kitchen counter and its similarity to my banana-shaped cell phone, detained me a little while until I realized which was the cell phone and which one was the oddly-shaped banana. I don’t know why Deanna bought those fruit. It’s not like Pattersons eat that kind of stuff.

Anyway, the first person I had to call was mom, since she edited my novel, so the editors at Reiner and Browne wouldn’t have to.

I said, “Mom! Mom said, “Mike. I need something to get Iris to relax and maybe have a good nap. Do you know of anything?” I said, “My book is out!” Mom said, “You mean your book is gay? No, wait. I understand now. That idea is perfect, Mike. That book will put anyone to sleep, even old tightly-wound Iris.” I said, “They sent me 10 copies!” Mom said, “I am not going to pay for it, Mike. I edited that thing, and I think that is payment enough. Just bring one over, the next time you come to eat out of my refrigerator.” I said, “I’ll get one over to you as soon as possible!”

That call reminded me it was close to supper time. However, I remained steadfast and the next person I called was my best, true friend in the whole world, Josef Weeder. I said, “Hello, Weed?” Weed said, “Look, man. Carleen’s voice does not sound like mine. What do you want?” I said, “Great news! My book is here!”
Weed said, “That was fast. What did they use for the cover---the house that doesn’t look like a sod house or the hunchbacked woman in a bonnet? I bet they used both, didn’t they?” I said, “Yeah, man—It looks great!” Weed said, “Look, man. I’d love to see it, but I’m not going to Milborough to get anywhere near that whacked-out family of yours.” I said, “I’ll bring you one!!” Weed said, “Great, man. Come by the apartment at 1 pm, when Carleen is out doing her hair.”

After talking to Weed, the next person to call was the main man of Milborough, the great Gordon Mayes. I decided to switch ears with the phone and use my left ear instead, and when I did that, I suddenly went to silhouette. I think because it was so dark, I didn’t even notice my lovely wife Deanna entering the room. However, I couldn’t stop my phone call to Gordon, just because of that.

I said, “Gordon!---It’s Mike!”Gordon said, “Mike who? Please let it not be Mike Patterson.” I said, “My book’s out!” Gordon said, “Crud!! It’s Mike Patterson. Now, Mike. I want you to listen to me carefully. Whatever you do, do not give me a copy of that book.” I said, “Of course you’re getting one!—A signed copy!!” Gordon said, “Great! When you come by to give it to me, could you come in the entrance marked ‘Danger! Killer dogs!”

That Gordon is always a joker. Now here’s the interesting part, formerly little sis. I switched the phone back to my right ear and the lights turned back on. It goes without saying that switching from one side to the other reminded me of my old buddy, Lawrence Poirier.

I said, “Hey, Lawrence! Guess what!” Lawrence said, “Mike. I am not lifting or carrying anything for you. I am not fixing your father’s roof for you. I am not recommending anyone to fix your father’s roof for you. I am done with it, Mike.”

Then I noticed my lovely Deanna picking up the box of books and walking away. I dropped the phone with Lawrence and chased after her. As she reached the second floor, I said, “What are you doing?” Deanna replied without even looking back over her shoulder (which is the usual Patterson woman stance), “Saving a few copies for US!” Then she was around the corner and the next I saw her, she didn’t have the box anymore. She had hidden it. I tried to find it, but when my wife wants to hide things from me, I can never find them.

I said to Deanna, “I thought our copies could be the two my son is playing with.” Deanna said, “Robin destroyed those copies in about 5 seconds. That left 8 copies, and then you were giving away 4 copies to your mom, Jo Weeder, Gordon Mayes and Lawrence. We need to keep 4 copies, just in case your grandparents or your Uncle Phil or your Auntie Bev might want one.” I almost laughed in her face. Those people are so far out of my life, I’ll probably never see them again. It wasn’t any problem to leave them out. However, sometimes you have to do what makes your wife happy, which is another way of saying, “I still can’t find those books she hid from me.”

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hey, Mike, speaking of your book. Something I thot U mite like 2 know--Merrie called me up yesterday 2 ask me 2 help her set up an eBay account 2 sell one of the copies Robin was playing w/yesterday. Namely, "the one that gots the front cover on the back and the back cover on the front." U mite wanna look in2 that, eh?

Apes

Mike's Cookout

Mike wrote in 2 describe a family cookout they just had @ the big house:

April,

[Dear formerly little sister], Since you are stuck in Winnipeg, I thought I would let you know about the great social gathering we had in the back yard of our new house. My lovely Deanna felt we should entertain, since we have the big house now. She said to me, “Who should we invite?” I said, “Naturally, my family and not yours.” Deanna said, “I mean who outside of your family?” I said, “We could invite Gordon and Tracey and their kids.” Deanna agreed. Then I said, “And we could invite my Grandpa Jim and his wife Iris, so Gordon and Tracey will have someone close to their age to talk to.” Deanna said, “I thought Gordon was only one year older than you.” I was confused for a moment; but then I remembered she was right.

Then I got a bright idea. I said to Deanna, “Let’s make it a weird hat party.” Deanna disagreed. However, when I was calling people up to invite them I would say, “It’s a weird hat party.” The only really odd call was to Grandpa Jim and Iris, because when I invited them, Iris broke down and started crying, “It’s been 21 months since we have been invited to Sharon Park Lane. Bless you Mike.” I started to take back my invitation. After all, who wants crying old people at a party? Then I remembered Gordon and Tracey would need them to talk to.

Then I got a call from mom saying how Elizabeth had managed to collar Anthony Caine, so we had to extend an invitation to him too; since he will be family pretty soon. However, I told him that we would not be serving any French food for his half-Quebecoise kid.

As the day arrived, I put on my funny blue hat and began the cooking of the burgers, dogs, and buns on the grill. Anthony Caine showed up and he did not have a funny hat on, but he did have possibly the whitest legs I have seen on a man. He said his daughter told him he looked old in a funny hat, so he decided not to wear one. Gordon and Tracey were there in their funny hats. I knew I could count on Gordon, even though he took his hat off every time Anthony Caine took off his shoes and socks. I didn't understand it, but I was too busy to question him about it. When he arrived, I gave him a beer, and said, “The old folks are back there, if you need someone to talk with.” He and Tracey sat down with Grandpa Jim and Iris. I noticed only Grandpa Jim was wearing the funny hat. Of course dad showed up with his choo-choo engineer hat for his weird hat.

The burgers were so sizzling, they sizzled with an extra ‘z’. I was master of my domain. The king of cooking. As I lifted each burger off the grill with my two-pronged fork, I realized that burgers fall off those pretty easily. Then I was the prince of picking up burgers off the ground before Edgar got them. I really wish mom and dad had left those dogs back at their house. They top my list of animals not to bring to a picnic.

Mom was an eating machine. While she was passing out shrimp, she ate almost half the entire shrimp plate. The first burger of the day went to Paul Mayes, Gordon’s oldest. Gordon held him in his arms and I said without thinking, "You and your grandfather look really good together." Of course, I corrected my mistake.

Later I put all the hamburgers and hotdogs into buns and ran though the mustard and Ketchup to make sure each burger was properly marinated. I passed these around to everyone, and I saw mom grab a burger while she still had her hands on the hotdog. Some people complained they didn’t want mustard or ketchup on their burgers, but they weren’t wearing a funny hat, so I ignored them.

Apparently, my son has never seen his grandmother eating before, and it was quite an eye-full for someone that young. This is kind of odd since we all lived together for 7 months, but I cannot remember a time when we all sat down to eat together in that time. Can you?

Then Mom pronounced, “Whooohh!! If I eat one more thing, I am going to blow up.” My son took what mom said at face value, and started screaming for me, when my daughter offered mom a marshmallow she cooked for her. I got to my son and said, “What’s the problem, and thanks for asking for me and not your mom this time.“ He explained to me why he was scared. I didn’t have to hear any more. I grabbed my son, threw him to the ground and covered his body with mine to protect him from the blast. Lucky for us, the blast didn’t come. It would have injured quite a few people if it did. I congratulated my son for warning us. We did have to ask mom to sit away from us, until she had digested enough not to be a threat to anyone.

Love,
Michael Patterson

LOL, Mike, U R just as literal-minded (no, not "literary-minded") as yr 2 yr, 9 mo old on! Yeah, I've described sum tymes when the whole fam have eaten 2gether, but I guess Robin had 4gotten.

Apes

Winkies? Bwuh?

Well, I'm still talking abt this past Monday's lunch @ Shannon's table, and prolly still will B 2morrow. We'll C.

NEway, I was starting 2 feel like Shannon and her friends had gotten 2gether an' planned this whole sales pitch abt the telethon, 2 get me 2 B "Yay, telethon!" Shannon's friend Faith sed, "The telethon's 2 raise $ 4 ppl w/special needs. Sum families don't have ramps or wheelchairs or other stuff!" And that Dylan guy, who I'm starting 2 think has echolalia, was all, "Other stuff!" Shannon told me, "Know ... who ... the ... sp...on...sor is, ... April? ...It's Mayes ...Mo...tors! The ... big car ... dealer ... guy." And I was, like, "Oh, yeah! I think I remember my Dad saying sumthing abt that-- But, I guess I wasn't listening. Sumtymez, I tune him out. U know what I mean." Shannon was, like, "Mmm hmmm." Then, like, rite on cue, the next 2 ppl in line 2 walk by the table and comment on me being there--two girls--appeared. And one stage-whispered, "Hee, hee, hee! April's with the winkies!" ["Winkies?" The heck?] The short-ponytailed girl @ our table, Grace, winced again, and Shannon sed, "...We're ... good ... @ tun...ing ppl ... out."

Then, the Witch of Corbeil walked in, carrying a huge poster board with "SPECIAL-NEEDS KIDS ENDURE HURTFUL COMMENTS EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES!" printed on it. Just kidding. Probably.

Apes

Punch

Dad went 2 Mayes' Midtown Motors (aka Gordo's Garage an' Grill) 2 have his Crevasse serviced, and while he was w8ing 2 get his car back, he stopped in @ Anthony's office. Dad was all asking Anthony abt the Shawna-Marie wedding, and Anthony told him abt Julia chatting up Liz rite after the receiving line was over. Julia was all, "So, U 2 have been friends 4ever, rite? I don't know a soul here, really--except 4 the caterer. I did their books 4 a while." Just then, Anthony heard a booming male voice, all "Elizabeth!! There U R!" And along came Best-Man Mason, and Liz, turned 2 him, all "Mason!" Then Mason was like, "Come on! They're getting the bridal party 2gether 4 pictures! Let's go!" As they walked away, Mason put his hand on the small of Lizzie's back and sed, "And...I want U 2 stand as close 2 me as possible!" After they'd gone off, Julia asked Anthony if he wanted sum punch and he answered, "No thanks, Julia." Then he thot, "I've just had one." Dad sez that he gave Anthony a sad nod and congratul8ed him 4 thinking a woeful pun under a disappointing situation. And he told Anthony, "Chip chip, ol' chap, I hope U didn't give up!" And just then, Julia came in2 the office 2 ask Anthony sum accounting-rel8ed ?'s. Anthony was all, "John, U remember Julia!" And Dad was like, "Julia with 'inconvenient tooth!'" And he cracked himself up all over again. Then Anthony an' Julia went 2 the accting dept and Dad went on 2 the restaurant 4 cinnamon buns an' coffee.

Apes

Arrows?

So I heard a bit more abt the "every1 look @ Mike" party a week ago @ Weed's studio. This time, what I heard was that Gordo an' Tracey went up 2 Liz an' Warren, and Gordo asked Liz 2 introduce him an' Tracey 2 her "friend." And Liz was all, "Gordon and Tracey Mayes, this is Warren Blackwood." And Warren went, "Whoa! [another whoa?] U own Mayes Motors out on the hiway, rite?!!" That's kind of a big ol' conclusion 2 leap 2, doncha think? Yeah, it happs that he lucked out and it turned out 2 B true, but imagine all the awkward if he'd been sum other "Mayes." It's not the world's most uncommon last name, eh?

NEhoodles, while Gordon and Warren talked, I hear that Tracey put a hand on one of Lizzie's arms and was all, "It looks like Gordon and Warren have it it off! ....Is he yr new beau?" Beau? Is Tracey turning 31 this yr or 91?!?!?!? Then it seemz Liz was all, "I don't want a new beau, Tracey. ....The last one left 2 many arrows." Sum ppl R saying that rite after that, Mike tapped her on the shoulder and sed, "Slightly older younger sis? Bravo for employing a pun here, and such an unexpected one! Some people might wonder what a beau has to do with archery, but they simply have to forget about spelling and go for the lovely homonym. Bow and arrows. That's wonderful. You'll be a married Patterson lady before you know it!" But I can't verify that last bit 4 sure.

Apes