April's Real Blog

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Dad went 2 Mayes' Midtown Motors (aka Gordo's Garage an' Grill) 2 have his Crevasse serviced, and while he was w8ing 2 get his car back, he stopped in @ Anthony's office. Dad was all asking Anthony abt the Shawna-Marie wedding, and Anthony told him abt Julia chatting up Liz rite after the receiving line was over. Julia was all, "So, U 2 have been friends 4ever, rite? I don't know a soul here, really--except 4 the caterer. I did their books 4 a while." Just then, Anthony heard a booming male voice, all "Elizabeth!! There U R!" And along came Best-Man Mason, and Liz, turned 2 him, all "Mason!" Then Mason was like, "Come on! They're getting the bridal party 2gether 4 pictures! Let's go!" As they walked away, Mason put his hand on the small of Lizzie's back and sed, "And...I want U 2 stand as close 2 me as possible!" After they'd gone off, Julia asked Anthony if he wanted sum punch and he answered, "No thanks, Julia." Then he thot, "I've just had one." Dad sez that he gave Anthony a sad nod and congratul8ed him 4 thinking a woeful pun under a disappointing situation. And he told Anthony, "Chip chip, ol' chap, I hope U didn't give up!" And just then, Julia came in2 the office 2 ask Anthony sum accounting-rel8ed ?'s. Anthony was all, "John, U remember Julia!" And Dad was like, "Julia with 'inconvenient tooth!'" And he cracked himself up all over again. Then Anthony an' Julia went 2 the accting dept and Dad went on 2 the restaurant 4 cinnamon buns an' coffee.


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  • At 10:11 AM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: OK. Howard, I hope your bride-to-be doesn’t mind you spending so much time with us. Let’s see, I think we were talking about the receiving line wasn’t it? Is that where we are?
    Jen: Yes. We were in the receiving line, when Anthony Caine and his date Julia went through the line. They started talking to Elizabeth and she sort of wandered away talking to them.
    Alyssa: Talking to them? I suppose. It was Julia doing all the talking as near as I could tell.
    Jen: Do you think she is one of those persons who talks so much other people can’t get in a word edgewise, or is she one of those people stuck in an awkward situation between two former lovers who just stare at each other and don’t say anything and she is desperate to fill in the awkward silences?
    Alyssa: I don’t know for sure. They eventually wandered so far off I couldn’t see them anymore. What I do know for sure is I would hate to be in a conversation with Elizabeth and Anthony. You know eventually one of them is going to start thought-ballooning. It was the way they were all through high school.
    Jen: Well, at last we finished receiving people and Shawna-Marie’s mom started barking out orders about getting pictures made and she realized Elizabeth wasn’t there.
    Alyssa: I kind of hoped we could take pictures without her, because you know all the problems she causes with that. Are we allowed to talk about that, Howard?
    Me:I think we’ll save that for tomorrow.
    Alyssa: OK. Well, the best man, Mason volunteered to go get her, which was good because he had been assigned to keep Elizabeth from drinking too much, only he didn’t know that was why Shawna-Marie had linked him with Elizabeth.
    Jen: Mason. Yech! I don’t know why he slicked back his hair with all that black stuff for the wedding. It was awful. He looked so much better at the rehearsal.
    Alyssa: Well, Mason found Elizabeth and told everyone he had to rescue her from a couple of nobodies who had her trapped.
    Jen: I asked Mason how he knew the were nobodies, and he said Elizabeth was so happy to leave with him, she just walked off without saying a thing to them.
    Alyssa: Now normally I would explain to Mason that Elizabeth would do that kind of thing to her closest friends, like she had been ignoring Jen and me all through this wedding, but I figured we still wanted Mason to think she was a nice girl, so he would still like her, and keep her from drinking too much and embarrassing Shawna-Marie. So, I didn’t say anything.
    Jen: We didn’t need to. Mason was all over her during the pictures. He said, “I want to stand right next to Elizabeth.” Over and over again. Mother Verano had to go over to him a couple of times and tell him her wedding album was not going to filled full of pictures of him fondling a bridesmaid.
    Alyssa: We’re not supposed to talk about this part yet.
    Jen: Oh, right. We did see Anthony and his date later on. He was making her work really hard, because he was thought-ballooning all over the place, and she was trying to maintain a conversation with him, in spite of his thought balloons. I felt sorry for her. She seems like a nice girl, even though she wearing a hideous dress.
    Alyssa: The dress wasn’t that bad. It just had an irregular hem. Anthony was the schlub wearing a brown suit to a wedding, with the tie tied too short like some geek. It doesn’t matter how much reconstructive surgery you have had on your face, if you’re still going to dress nerdly.
    Jen: True. True.
    Alyssa: So, more about the pictures and Mason and Elizabeth tomorrow, right? You provide the chocolate and Jen and I will be here.
    Jen: You are going to make me so fat, Howard.

    That was it. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Sorry I didn't leave a message for you for last night, I was cleaning my apartment and it's really dirty, so I decided to use double the cleaning products, so I poured bleach and ammonia in a bucket of hot water and started to scrub the bathroom floor, but all of a sudden, I felt super tired, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was morning and I was sprawled out on the bathroom floor and I was late to school.

    Anyway, I was listening to that big fatty Julia blab on and on when all of a sudden some guy came running up to us, saying my name, and it was way weird, it was Mason, only he had put some kind of black gunk in his hair, and he said it was picture time and put his hand on my ass as we walked away, which I let him do because after all I am Liz Patterson and he can't help himself, I hope Anthony didn't see it though, because you know it will make him delay another three years or so before he finally gets around to asking me to marry him.


  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    You've expressed interest in the past on my hunt for the "Sicko Stargazer" who has been using a telescope to peep at both young girls and elderly ladies, in the guise of an "astronomy buff." I thought I had the case cracked, as no less than 12 women had come forward and positively identified your sister's sometime beau Anthony as the perverted perpetrator. Having carefully examined the most recent photos of this young man, however, he clearly does not resemble the person previously described. No "pornstasche," few if any spots, and a completely differently shaped face seem to now rule him out. I am, frankly, baffled. Could he have gone in for elaborate plastic surgery, perhaps in an effort to woo your spinster sister? I realize she has become increasingly desperate, but I would hate to see her end up with someone who turns out to be a dangerous sexual deviant.
    Yours in law enforcement,
    Sgt. Royalson

  • At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. The Lizardbreath’s birthday is coming up and it looks like she is going to pass the age of 27 before she gets a proposal from Anthony Caine. She simply has got to stop falling for every man who is dropped in her lap and go for the childhood sweetheart who has been waiting for her ever since she graduated grade 13 with him in 1999. Let’s face it, once a man gets to know Elizabeth, their relationship is doomed and he invariably strays. But Anthony Caine has been taking abuse from Elizabeth for years and continues to be faithful to her, I mean aside from marrying that Quebecoise woman and having a baby with her. Even then, he was actually faithful to Elizabeth, and the marriage and baby were just a cry for Liz’s attention.

    A man who is willing to destroy his marriage and any possibility of his child growing up to be normal for Elizabeth’s sake, is just the kind of guy who might be able to stand being married to her. I don’t know why Elizabeth doesn’t realize this, and continues to run off and allow herself to be fondled by these pretty boys, who can’t take nearly the abuse Anthony Caine can.

    Oh, mom saw my note and corrected me. She says Elizabeth’s birthday coming up is 26 and not 27, so she still has a chance of getting a proposal before she turns 27. I got really confused about that. I said, “No mom. Lizzie is 4 years younger than I am. When she started kindergarten, I started grade four. Remember?” Mom said to me, “Ssshhh! We don’t want the Milborough Society for the Persecution of Old Maids to find out. Around 2000, when everyone was so busy concerned about Y2K, Elizabeth stupidly broke up with Anthony Caine, when he came around complaining about how they never wrote or called each other. I knew it would cause problems. I told her she should have written to Anthony or called him to give him encouragement, but you know how Elizabeth is about calling or writing anyone. She is a bad communicator even by Patterson standards. I decided that just to be safe, Lizzie was going to spend an extra year in university, but still graduate when she was 23 in 2004.”

    I said I thought the reason was just because Lizzie was stupid and needed an extra year, but mom assured me that the extra year had nothing to do with Liz’s stupidity in learning. It was her stupidity in romance. Anyway, on June 26, we can celebrate Elizabeth’s 26th birthday, her 26th year without a marriage proposal. May it be her last year proposal-less.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:17 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Aprl, who, whenn i gott two sckool tooday I stil hda a hedake, it wer terblie, my princepal setn me two teh nurs, whin i god htere teh nurs waz a talll men weth a scrify berd an a cain, i sed "war is teh nurs?" an he sed "i god demoded frum clinick dudy, four mi smard moth, an' fireing al mi staf, now im on elmintery sckhool nurs statien dudy," he giv me a pil caled vicksodin, no wi fel all beitter, an i axksed him two mery me, butt he sayed id wold nevir work beetwin us, he coldn't mastire teh canidien axcksent.

    now im hom, jus twatching teh tlevischin, bud dnot worie, i wil post morre abt teh wedig toneight.


  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i've been confused abt liz and her age 4 a while, but whenev i've tried 2 ask mom abt it, she hushes me an' changes the subj. cuz, like, i even remember being 9 yrs old and complaining 2 mom abt liz being able 2 do stuff i cdn't cuz she was 11 yrs older than me. then, like, the next yr, every1 was saying liz was 10 yrs older than me and 5 yrs yunger than u.

    so just now i dug out lizzie's birth certificate, and guess what? the date of birth was like obviously wited out, and the date is rewritten over the wite out. in mom's handwriting!


  • At 8:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur still goin’ on ‘bout that weddin’ ur sis went 2, eh? ur sis goez off 2 take weddin’ pics & sumhow this iz a punch 2 anthony cuz the woman he didn’t ask 2 the wedding & turned down cuz he alreddy had a d8 iz walkin’ off w/sum1 else. soundz like anthony iz just az whacked az evah. the only thing i’m wonderin’ is how long it took hiz d8 2 figger out she wuz b-ing used 4 anthony 2 make sum kinda point w/ur sis.

    as 4 me, i’m 2 bizzy studyin’ 4 examz 2 worry ‘bout weddingz & stuff, unless they r payin’ gigz. it’s june, so it’s a good month 4 playin’ receptions, but it’s a killer tryin’ 2 study & do gigz 2. by the way, do u know nethin’ ‘bout thoze team julia shirts ic peeps all ovah mboro wearin’?

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, jeremy, i think julia totally got shafted @ that wedding. hey, weren't u gonna dj the reception? what happed w/that?


  • At 11:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well shawna-marie verano wunted me & i had all this cube argentinian & pop music lined up. shawna-marie hadda huge list of her favrite songz she picked out w/her groom, whatsisname, u know the guy who let ur sister wear his bike leathers when she wuz ridin' a motorcycle thoze 2 summers. i can't remembah. neway, lotsa stuff & actually way more than i cud play in just a couple of hours. i think shawna-marie had this idea her reception wuz gonna last a long tyme.

    neway, shawna-marie's mom decided she wunted all classical & it wuz gonna be none of the argentinian stuff cuz, as u prolly heard frum the weddin', there wuz no1 there frum argentina, just a lotta rellies frum montreal & sum mboro folks. her mom wuz gonna hire real musicians 2 play classical 4 the ceremony & if there wuz gonna b ne dancin' it wuz gonna b2 strauss waltzes & stuff. shawna-marie wuz ticked off, but 4 sum reasn she didn't say nethin' 'bout it 2 her mom. she just sed, "ok, mom. sorry, jeremy." frum wut i read, she decided 2 pick the rehearsal 2 start makin' complaints, which is way 2 l8. shawna-marie & her mom have issues.

    so i got canned, which wuz ok cuz, like i sed, there's lotsa peeps havin' weddingz in june. so i got sum good money 4 takin' out honoria 2 places, but she'z mainly been studyin' 4 finalz & she did a lotta baby-sittin' 4 anthony caine. prolly in july, we'll do sumthin' nice, if she'z not travelin' or sumthin'.

  • At 2:41 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, as Mason dragged me away from where Anthony and Jumbo were standing, I kept thinking about how much better looking Anthony is, now that his bristly mustache is gone, and he has new glasses, he looks so young, and vibrant, and exciting, and dashing, and manly, just like he did back in high school, and when I realized Anthony was a lot better-looking, I realized I care for him more when he is more handsome, and it was a shocking revelation, how something that is so simple could be hidden so deep inside my subconcussion.

    Well then something terrible happened, I found myself suddenly not able to move, and Mason asked me if something was wrong because I stopped in my tracks, and I said, "Yes!" because my high heels sank into the lawn, and Mason rescued me, he picked me up and carried me, and someone took a picture, which I saw later, and I do not look happy in it at all, and I will tell you why, it's because Mason picked me up in his arms and slammed his chin into my face, which does not feel good at all, even when the chin in question is of a normal size, and not cartoon size like Dad and sometimes Anthony (though not Anthony right now, he has had some kind of chin reduction, which makes him look more handsome and desirable).

    More later.



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