April's Real Blog

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Best Man

So Liz wrote in with this:

Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).

This morning, Liz came over 4 brekkie, cuz she was all outta cookies an' 4got 2 shop 4 more food. I was all, "So who's the guy?" Mike had just walked in2 the kitchen rite B4 that, 4raging 4 sum granola and milk 2 completely finish, so Liz was like, "U don't recognize our brother Mike?" And I rolled my eyez, all, "No, not that guy! The guy @ the wedding rehearsal. The 1 U mentioned in yr comment last nite." Liz got frowny 4 a moment, like "U R so nosy!" But then she kinda 4got 2 B pissy an' sed, "Oh, April, his name is Mason, and he's so hunky! He sort of reminds me of yr Gerald, but grown-uplike and manly! He's the best man, and he's going 2 B my escort b-cuz he doesn't have a d8 either! April, I just know this is FATE!"

Just then, Mike plunked down, with a salad-sized bowl full of granola and probably almost a whole litre's worth of milk in that, and he sed, "It's all my fault! I just realized this morning!" Liz an' I kinda looked @ ea other confused, but Mike went on, "Dad and the trains! I had a memory, when I was looking @ sum old pics of me and Brian Enjo, from rite around the time we finished grade 4. And that's when it came back 2 me." He did a dramatic pause, and looked up @ us, kinda tearful. "Keith Enjo, Brian's Dad, had model trains in his basement. This was long B4 Dad ever thot of it. After Brian showed them 2 me, I came home raving about how gr8 they were. But here's the worst part. After I'd finished telling Dad about the model trains, I sed...." He paused dramatically. "I sed, 'It must B gr8 2 have a father who's interesting!" Liz and I were both all, "OMG," and Mike nodded, saying, "Dad didn't get in2 the trains until the 1990s, girls, but I think I must have planted this idea in his head back in the 80s!" Just then, Mom walked in and sed, "Don't feel 2 bad, Mike. If it hadn't been trains, it wd have been sumthing equally stupid and childish." Then Dad came up from his workshop, wearing his choo-choo coveralls, carrying two little "train" ppl, saying, "Now, now, Edwina, quit fighting with Norman!"

Dunc, OMG, that was so messed up w/Kimmi, Zenobia, Zapata, and Eva all going after U @ that party U threw @ Eva's house. Howard, thanx 4 coming over when U called. Dunc, I'm sorry 2 hear abt the bald spot.


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  • At 12:45 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes. I had 2 sit w/ a bunch of women @ Sugars w/ a Nigerian princes ceremonial hedress glued 2 my hed 4 hrs b4 they cld fit me in. The women wld try not 2 stare @ me & try not 2 laff but it didnt work. I think 1 of them took a foto of me w/ her cellfone. Gr8. But I look almost ok now Sugars did a rilly cube weave ovah the bald patches. Im going 2 grow my hair out & have dreds, my 'rents say its ok as long as I dont get ne braids b4 Sept.

    I quit working 4 the Abuyas aft I left Sugars, Evah is completely wack, & I dont care abt the $$$ nemore, Im going 2 Barbados 4 the summer neway.

    Apes, will u go w/ me on Mon 4 my GI drivers licence test? Its rite aft r exam.

    L8r. Got 2 go 2 the station 2 give Luggie my statement.

    X-Nigerian Prince

    p.s. Whos in r study group this year & where r we meeting 2morrow?

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, sure, i'll go w/u 4 the g1. then we can get sum horny t's 2 celebr8 yr b-day and yr license all @ 1ce, eh?


  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    Im going 2 take a nap. I didnt sleep 2 good last nite its rilly hard 2 sleep sitting up w/ a st00pid ceremonial heddress glued 2 yr hed. Come ovah & study 2nite if u want, my 'rents r going out & r giving me $ 2 order in dinner. Pizza or Chinese?


    Yr best bud,

  • At 4:09 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Do not fear this mysterious Mason. Elizabeth may call him her future husband. She may dance about and say, “If this is love, I’m loving it.” She may drool whenever she mentions his name. She may have written “Mason + Liz Forever” 200 times on a piece of paper, or “Mrs. Mason Herring,” or “Mason, my Maison”. However, the simple fact of the matter is that this Mason is not a childhood sweetheart of Elizabeth’s. So, even if you hear her in the washroom crying out “Oh, Mason!”, it is nothing.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, duncan is sayin' he is done w/eva cuz she is completely wack. ur sayin' u don't think u & gerald r a couple nemore. now duncan wunts u 2 come ovah & study @hiz place, cuz his 'rents r going out. i dunno 'bout u, but i think he may b askin' more than just 'bout dinner, wen he sez pizza or chinese?

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, don't worry, jeremy. dunc is my bud.

    dunc, def chinese. i'll b over in abt 20 mins.

    mike, liz was in the bathroom, breathing her lizardbreath on2 the mirror 2 fog it up so she cd make a big heart an' write "liz + mason" in it. but i heard mom muttering, "it won't take. he's no anthony, and it won't take."


  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no, on second thot, make that pizza.


  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger howard said…


    We having French cuisine (not the frozen dinner version) over here with Becky and my new friends Alyssa and Jen, who are also bridesmaids at Shawna-Marie’s wedding. As usual, they have a different perspective on how things happened at the rehearsal buffet for Shawna-Marie Verano.

    As you may remember, when you recounted Elizabeth’s first conversation with Candace about the wedding, she mentioned matron of honor, spelled in an American way. Well, that was a mistake on Shawna-Marie’s part. She forgot that Elizabeth didn’t get invited to Dawn’s wedding, and they were trying to keep it a secret from Elizabeth by calling Dawn a maid of honor, also spelled in an American way for consistency. So, everyone has been calling Dawn maid of honor, to prevent your sister from losing it. In fact, if you talk about the wedding, you should do the same. I know I will.

    Well, according to Jen, Shawna-Marie and her mother were having a big argument over the fact that no one seemed to be able to remember the groom’s name, including Shawna-Marie. Shawna-Marie’s mom insisted it must be Rumpelstiltskin, but Shawna-Marie said it was a much more manly name than that. When Dawn came up to “step in”, she said to Shawna-Marie, “We have a much bigger problem than that. I found out that Elizabeth is coming to the wedding without a date.” Alyssa said, “And this is a problem because…?” Dawn said, “Her drinking problem.” Shawna-Marie said, “Oh my God. Dawn’s right. We have to get a guy on her before tomorrow, or the processional music will be a minor problem compared to that.”

    Then Jen said, “I don’t follow. She’s not going to make that much trouble for having a few extra drinks, is she?” Shawna-Marie said, “Think, Jen. New Years’ Eve 2006.” Jen said, “That woman was Elizabeth? I thought people were joking when they said one woman did all that.” Shawna-Marie’s mom said, “No. That’s why it’s so important not to let it slip that Dawn is already married. We don’t want to set her off.”

    Alyssa said, “Well, who’s available?” Dawn said, “All the wedding party is coupled up.” Shawna-Marie said, “No, wait. Mason is here with his cousin. I bet he would do it.” Alyssa said, “Does he know what he would be getting into?” Shawna-Marie said, “Not, if no one tells him. On the surface, Liz is a pretty, nice girl, and if Mason is lucky, he won’t get to know her well enough to learn otherwise. I’ll get the groom to ask him.” Shawna-Marie’s mother said, “Rumpelstiltskin!” Shawna-Marie said, “Don’t start, mom.”

    So Shawna-Marie went over to the groom who went over to Mason, who explained things to his cousin, and went over to Elizabeth and then he came back to talk to the groom who came to Shawna-Marie and told him that Elizabeth had agreed Mason could be his escort. Everybody was overjoyed.

    And that is their version of the story.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i know u & duncan r buds, but it has been since b4 2003 wen u weren't w/gerald & thingz change. all i'm sayin' iz, u don't wanna b the rebound girl. duncan stole eva frum me, so i know wut he iz like 'round pretty girls. if ur innerested in duncan (& i don't know y u wud b), thass ok. just let him d8 sum othah girl b4 he d8s u, so eva will punch out that othah girl, eh?

  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eva, i swear dunc an' i r ONLY studying. no need 2 punch me!


  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Okay, but I need someone to punch. Where's Jeremy?


  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    I nevah stole Evah fr no1. Shes not my gf, just sum wack girl @ skool w/ a rilly cube house & rilly cube 'rents & rilly cube staff.

    Oh man my hed still hurts. Onlee 38 hrs til r 1st exam.


    p.s. Watch out Kimmis still in the Mboro Youth Detention Centre the nuns r coming 2 bail her 2morrow.

  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    I talked a guard in2 letting me use a 'puter. I am going 2 hafta do so much penance when I get back 2 the Catholic Military Reform School in Ottawa. But it's all going 2 b worth it, I M sure. Dunc the Hunk will realize I'm his 1 tru luv, and I won't hafta brandish an ax @ him NEmore!

    kiMMi LaSalle <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    If I am rilly yr 1 tru luv y did u try 2 break my u no what & wave an axe @ it?

    U didnt try 2 make me yr Nigerian prince by gluing a Crown 2 my hed, so I can 4give & 4get, but remembah we r just friends, u have yr vocation.

    C u @ yr trial.

    Yr friend & onlee yr friend,
    Duncan "Fish Boy" Anderson
    V. v. uncube & unsexee d00d

  • At 12:46 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    duncan, ur a big liar. u know how the boys @r.p. boire all tell all the othah boys if they get ne frum their gfs. u may call eva "sum wack girl @ skool w/ a rilly cube house & rilly cube 'rents & rilly cube staff" but a couple of months ago u were tellin' a whole diff story 'bout u & eva were gr8 & how zandra wuz a snitch. ur not foolin' me.


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