How long do I have 2 stand MYSELF?
The other day, when I was in a big ol' pissy mood cuz Ger was gonna B playing drums 4 Becky's telethon gig, I was putting my blazer in2 my locker when Ger was all, "I dunno Y U're so ticked @ me, man! I was just kidding around when I told the guys abt 'party nite.'" And I was all, "Nothing 'happened' that nite, Gerald, and U KNOW it, but--U let ppl think..." He put a hand on my shoulder and sed, "HEY!! Relax! We're a couple! Remember?" And he looked so cute and earnest, I wanted 2 kiss him and just make up, but I cd hear that Witch of Corbeil voice being all "NO! HE IS NOT WORTHY! HE CONSORTS WITH THE ENEMY!" And so I was all, "I don't THINK so! --U lied abt me...an' now U're gonna play drums 4 Becky!" I was looking down @ sum books an' papers I was holding, so I cd have an xxcuse 4 the smug, closed-eyes Patterson look as I sed that last bit. Ger came back w/"But...that's a one-night stand!" And the Witch voice boomed, "WORDPLAY! U MUST MAKE A PUN ON ONE-NITE STAND!" So I looked over my shoulder and left him this stoopid parting shot: "Good!....I hope she can only stand U 4 one nite."
OMG, I think I broke up w/Ger!
Apes
OMG, I think I broke up w/Ger!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:21 AM
7 Comments:
At 2:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends,
I am sure you have all heard the sad news of my little April flower breaking up with me. I am utterly grief-stricken. Fortunately, in my time of need, my real friends are rallying to give me support. Becky has offered to let me sleep over at her house as much as I want, since she has that big king-size bed. And Howard has been cooking for me non-stop. He says that chocolate always makes him feel better when he has relationship troubles. We even had a "late-night cheesecake and gossip session" like the Golden Girls. I don't know what that is really, or why Howard made me put on a satin-and-maribou feather negligee when we did it, but it felt nice. Especially when Becky rubbed my thigh under my negligee.
Then Becky and I went back to her room, and we enjoyed her comfy accommodation. And I have to say that my beautiful Becky flower is much more accommodating that my little April flower ever was. Also more exuberant. We had a lot of fun. Afterwards, Becky told me we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. So I guess we are.
Gosh April, are you dating someone new yet? Don't worry, I'm sure a guy who loves frigid schizophrenics will come along for you soon.
Your friend, Gerald
At 2:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
i know what ur gonna say, but hey, i w8ed til u dumped him!
becks
At 2:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
btw, you should of gone all the way w/ ger. he wuz awesum.
becks
At 3:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends,
As you know, I am a discreet man, never telling the tale of a night of amorous embraces unless my female companion does so first, but since my beautiful Becky flower has seen fit to spread the story of our night of love to you all, then I am free to tell you all about what happened after Becky and I had our "first time" together.
Naturally, I asked Becky if she would be pre-engaged to me. She said this was very nice of me, but that she is already engaged to Howard, which I confess I had quite forgotten. She said not to worry, that she is allowed to have relationships outside the marriage/engagement, as is Howard. She said I could be her boyfriend. I told her I wanted more--I want marriage! A family! Children! To be in People and Macleans with her on my arm!
Then Becky said, "Well, maybe you can be my concubine." I asked her what a concubine is, and she said, "It is like an extra wife. Or husband, I guess. Howard would be the main husband, and you would be the concubine." I asked, "Would we have kids?" and Becky said, "Howard and I are going to have a kid." And I said, "Then we should get to have a kid also."
Just then, Howard burst into the room and said, "If you have a kid with Gerald, then I we have to have at least two kids. It's not fair. I'm the main husband."
And Becky said, "Remember, I told you you could adopt however many kids you wanted from wherever Angelina Jolie is adopting these days," and that calmed Howard down some.
Then I said, "I just want one biological kid." And Becky said, "Fine. Two biological kids total. I am sure I can still get back my figure after that."
I'm not really sure how Howard feels about this new arrangement. The Newlyfoobs people are thrilled, though.
Gerald
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg. how did i end up w/ 2 husband b4 i'm even 18?!?
becks
At 3:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I can't believe this, it's so not fair, I finally get out of my bunny-cuddling stupor and what do I find out, that slut Becky McGuire has two husbands, and I don't even have one, even though I'm a Patterson, and good things are supposed to just happen to Pattersons without a lot of trying or ambition, maybe that's what I've been doing wrong, do you think I have been trying too hard for a husband, maybe that's it, after all, I did talk to Anthony twice this year.
Liz
At 6:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, omg, omg! i sed, "i THINK i broke up w/ger!" as in not being sure! and if i didn't (cuz mayB i didn't), then i've been CHEATED ON! a woman scorned! oh. my. god. liz, is this contagious? did i catch this being-cheated-on-itis from LIZ when she was living with us?
and now ger has already run off and dun the wide-awake-dance w/becky. that didn't take long, now did it?!?!!?
but u know what? i m NOT gonna mope! axel hibobbery, the cool, tattooed and pierced drummer who was approved as a childhood sweetheart for me? he's already asked me out! we're going 2 that new goth-alternative club in downtown mboro, bleakhaus. then we're gonna jam w/sum friends of his @ axel's loft downtown.
apes
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