April's Real Blog

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

And we jump away again!

Yeah, so just when U thot sumthing mite B resolved w/Ger and mayB even w/Becky in the same package--we're jumping 2 MOM and the HOUSENING and MIKE AN' DEE! Such is Patterson storytelling, yo!

Recently, Mom was out in the backyard, looking after Merrie an' Robin, who were playing in the sandbox. Didn't know there's a sandbox back there now? Yeah, I hadn't noticed either. NEway, Mom was talking over the fence, 2 Connie, who noted that Mom and Dad have the keys and wanted 2 know when the move will happen. Mom sed it wdn't B 4 a while, but that she had been packing. She was all, "George still has 2 remove sum of his furniture, and there R repairs 2 B dun." When Connie sed she was glad she an' Mom wd still B neighbours, Mom was all, "Me 2." When Connie asked how Mike an' Dee felt abt buying their 1st house, and whether they were xxcited, Mom was all, "I'd say they're taking it in stride."

Meanwhile, even tho Mike and Dee had never, ever been in2 running 4 fitness, they were out 4 a run 2gether in the neighbourhood. Mike sez that when Dee asked him "How long do U want 2 keep running?" he was all, "'Til I'm 2 tired 2 think." I was like, "Mike? What possessed U 2 take up running?" And Mike got that sorta gobsmacked look ppl R always getting around here, and he sed, "I have a strange feeling I took it up 4 the sole purpose of servicing a pun." Then he looked proud and sed, "But 4 a Patterson, I can't think of NE higher purpose than that." I rolled my eyes and went 2 the rec room 2 review my lines 4 A Midsummer Nite's Dream.

Apes

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14 Comments:

  • At 9:49 AM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    Yes, rehearsal certainly was entertaining yesterday, especially once Wilco got his bribe. Did Jeremy give him a DVD of the BBC production of the play, too? Last night I found him on my desk watching it on my computer. I think he was taking notes, or whatever rabbits do, on Puck's entrances. I don't know whether to be relieved or worried.

    Zandra

     
  • At 1:34 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    zandra, i borrowed the dvd of midsummer night’s dream frum the skool library 4 wilco. i hope it’s not a prob. aftah rehearsal he showed me a library card w/”rabbit rejected, lapin rejeté” written across it, so i kinda guessed wut he wunted. actually i thot he wunted me 2 get him a library card, but he hopped up & down on the script a lot & pointed 2 the title enuff tymes where i figgered it out.

     
  • At 2:33 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Allow me to continue the story you had told in your blog entry, for your readers who are interested in the things going on with your soon-to-be bestselling author brother. Just after I had run for the service of a pun, I was feeling pretty good about the accomplishment. However, the next day, my legs kindly informed me that they were not going to be moving without great pain, and I began to rethink my thoughts about running until you are too tired to think. The problem with running until you are too tired to think is that when you get to the point you are too tired to think, then you can’t think to stop running. Then if you recover your senses long enough to realize that you were not thinking, you also realize that you must be thinking into order to come to that realization, so you have to keep running. Fortunately for me, during one of my periods of not thinking, I apparently looked carefully at my lovely Deanna and made some comment about how it looked like she had a baby bump developing. I don’t remember doing that, but Deanna said it was a moment where she realized that I was not thinking if I made such a comment and so she pushed me into a tree, which not only arrested my forward motion, but was successful in knocking me temporarily unconscious, which certainly qualifies as not thinking.

    Before all my running, I had been busy with home repairs. I put the door back in the fence between my yard and Connie Poirier’s yard after it went missing last year. Also, all
    >the faux wood on the outside of the house near the windows for the greenhouse / computer room
    , I had to take it down to leave the plain wall. Deanna hasn’t decided if she wants to put up new faux wood, but for right now, it’s bare wall on that side of the house.

    I put a sandbox in the back yard for the kids. I wanted to put it in the front yard where it would be nice and shady with the front yard trees, but Deanna insisted that it would be kind of an eyesore in the front. That sounded familiar to me for some reason. Deanna said we would just put my daughter in a big hat and that would protect her lips from the sun in the back yard. I asked about my son, but Deanna said “Since he is a boy and has smaller lips, he doesn’t need that extra protection. There’s nothing like a little sun to toughen a boy up, so he could have a chance to escape his genetic predisposition towards being a wimp.” I wasn’t sure what Deanna meant by that, but possibly it had something to do with the fact she was walking around without pain, the day after our run.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    As Becky and I were moving into our new place, we discovered there were quite a few things left by the prior owner, who was desperate to leave for fear of your mother moving into the Stibbs’ house 2 doors down. After you wrote in your Blog entry that your mother was postponing her move for awhile until George Stibbs finished removing his furniture, I called him, told him the situation and asked him if he wanted to move the rest of his things. He said to me, “Mr. Bunt. Once you have the keys, the house is yours. If you want my old trash, you are welcome to it.” Then he made me promise not to tell your mother that George Stibbs’ furniture he hasn’t removed is probably furniture George Stibbs will never remove. He wants to see just how long it will take your mother to figure this out. Actually, we made a bet on it. I told him I thought your mother would figure it out and move to the Stibbs’ house by August. He thinks it will take until July. Becky believes it won’t be until sometime in September. We’ll see who’s right.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    zandra, i thot wilco was the only bunny who watched telenovelas, but buttsy seems 2 b really in2 this one that just started running. it's called para mejor o para peor. has wilco been watching that?

    mike, a lot of ppl in our neighbourhood have reported c-ing a 30-ish guy running delirious up an' down the streets in the area, accompanied by sum1 described as "a blond boy" or "a blonde woman with and unfortunate bowl haircut." wd that b u an' dee?

    apes

     
  • At 7:30 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Since the majorities of the people in our neighbourhood are retired or near death, I find it difficult to put much stock into anything they may report to you, and I would question their motivation in the reporting. However, considering I am a 31-ish guy (not 30-ish), they may be thinking of someone else. Also Deanna and I only ran down the street. I believe we were hobbling up, at least I was.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 8:12 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Today’s Shakespeare rehearsal was almost too much for a lady to witness. I am not sure how you could bear it.

    In Act IV, Scene I, when my brother’s best friend Duncan comes in with the donkey head on and he started doing his lines about how he need to scratch because he was “marvellous hairy about the face and I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.” Then he started to scratch at his fake donkey head, but your “friend” Eva stopped everything to explain not only was the fake donkey head not Duncan’s ass, but that a real horse doesn’t scratch its ass with its fingers. Everyone else was laughing but I was appalled, when your “friend” demonstrated on Duncan the proper method for a horse to scratch its posteriour.

    The director had to stop the action and explain to your “friend” Eva for about the 100th time that even though the character of Bottom turning into an Ass was a good verbal joke, he still was not 100% horse, just a donkey head on a human. Eva seemed to be convinced it would be much more believable story if Titania, Queen of the Cowgirls, was in love with a full horse, who could talk.

    Well, I thought that would be the last disgusting thing to view, but then your "friend" Eva’s part of Titania, had to fall asleep on the ground with Duncan and she said:

    Sleep thou little horsie, and I will wind thee in my arms.
    Fellow cowgirls, begone, and be all ways away.
    So does your woody the sweet honeysuckle rose
    Gently entwist; the female ivy so
    Lassoes the barky fingers on your elm.
    O, how I love thee! how I dote on thee!


    Then she reached around and touched your friend Duncan in an improper place. The director had to jump up and say to your “friend” Eva, “That’s not what Shakespeare meant by ‘elm’!!”

    Everyone was laughing again, including my Jeremy flower, but I was appalled. I thought surely this would be the last instance of this kind of unladylike behaviour. I was wrong again.

    The short, young man playing Oberon came in with your friend Zandra Larson playing Puck riding the motorized wheel-chair driven by the trained rabbit. Oberon wakes up Titania, who said, “Yee haw!! My Oberon! what visions have I seen! I had my amour by the ass.” The director had to correct that line. Then later Oberon told Puck, “Silence awhile. Robin, take off this head.” and the rabbit drove Puck over to where Duncan was lying on the ground to take the donkey head off of him. Then your “friend” Eva said, “Let’s have some music. Hey! Keep your hands off him, you ho! Or I am going to give you the music, such as charmeth sleep up in boot hill!” I don’t know what Zandra did to provoke Eva, but Eva headed over to Zandra to punch her out, and the rabbit driving the chair suddenly revved up the chair engine and drove it right off the stage to keep out of her way. Zandra appeared to be holding on the chair for dear life. I was frightened she would fall off the chair like yesterday, or worse, that Eva would catch her to pummel her.

    The director had to intervene once again to make sure Eva knew Zandra, as Puck, was just removing Duncan’s donkey head and not anything else. It seemed to take a long time for Eva to believe him.

    I was horrified at Eva’s unladylike actions, but my Jeremy flower was laughing so hard he was crying. I don’t know if I am going to attend rehearsals with my Jeremy flower again, but Jeremy declared it to be the best rehearsal ever. I am sure you were similarly mortified as I was.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    One of the awesome things about having a dad who can buy a new theatre for the school is I get to improve on Shakespeare with my cowgirl theme. That really does spice things up!

    Ger, how 'bout you tell your "sister" to lose those scare quotes around "friend" when she writes to April about me!!!

    Eva

     
  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    the rehearsal got pretty outta hand, honoria. now, i know how u feel abt eva, but i think u really hurt her feelings when u used airquotes 2 say things like, "oh, april, look how appalling yr 'friend' eva is being over there w/yr friend duncan!"

    mike, sum1 who is 31 IS 30-ish. The "-ish" part makes it approximate. 4 sum1 who is supposed 2 understand the subtleties of language, u so don't!

    apes

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Considering the attitude Eva Abuya has toward my brother Gerald, I think “friend” is a very ladylike phrase, comparatively speaking.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I must beg to differ on your interpretation of age.

    If I were to tell someone to look for you and describe you as a girl who looked 15-ish, they would never be able to find you. However, if I described you as 16-ish, they would be able to easily spot you in a crowd, for they would know to look for your now-bulging lips, your heavy perfume and makeup. I can literally look at a picture of you taken just before your 16th birthday and the day afterwards and see the tremendous differences. In fact, if it weren’t for dad’s timely interference, mom and I would have thought you were some stranger in our house, after you turned 16.

    Similarly, if I told someone to look for me and described me as 30-ish, they would look for a man with boyish, round-faced, good looks; and they would never spot me. But if told someone to look for me and described me as 31-ish, they would be able to easily spot me in a crowd, for they would know to look for my elderly, pointed chin, receding hairline, and slight paunch in my belly. Just look at me today and look at a picture of me last year, and I am sure you can see the differences.

    Sorry, formerly little sis. I understand the subtleties of language quite well. The next time you think about making such a statement to a soon-to-be best-selling author brother, you should take a look at the people around you a little more closely.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, god, mike, u r so stupid. y can't u just admit u r wrong?

    here, from the dictionary:

    -ish

    adj. suffix, from O.E. -isc, common Gmc. (cf. O.N. -iskr, Ger. -isch, Goth. -isks), cognate with Gk. dim. suffix -iskos. Colloquially attached to hours to denote approximation, 1916.

    apes

     
  • At 9:45 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I admit I am wrong when I am wrong. Fortunately, it occurs infrequently.

    You are using the dictionary correctly, but fail to realize that when using -ish with a specified age in Milborough, there is a defined difference of the approximation to the age. I can say I am 31-ish, which means I am approximately 31, per your dictionary definition. I could be 31 years and 1 month, or 31 years and 2 months and 5 days and still qualify for 31-ish.

    If you were to ask any reasonable resident of Milborough (obviously not you, formerly little sis), to define the differences between 31-ish and 30-ish for human beings, they would be able to give you a nice list of differences, as I have already pointed out. On the other hand, if I were to ask someone to define the difference between 31 years and 1 month versus 31 years and 2 months and 5 days, they would shake their head in confusion.

    Use –ish, if you wish, formerly little sis; but try to remember where you live. If you need more illustrations of your dictionary’s inadequacy, just try looking in your non-Milboroughan dictionary for the words “roadside” or “gig”, and see if you see anything missing.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:10 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I think your readers may be interested in the conversation I had with my beloved Deanna after we stopped running until I was too tired to think. As you know from your younger years, one of the best places to not think is the ravine. There was no stream of water there this time, and I tried my best to get my body into the pose of Rodin’s The Thinker, but I couldn’t get the hand positions right. Fortunately my lovely Deanna sat down beside me and started moving my left arm from my face. Obviously she remembered Rodin’s The Thinker had his head on his right hand. Not only is my wife beautiful, but she has an uncanny memory for great art.

    While she was doing this I looked forward and engaged in some small talk with her. I said, “Wow. We actually bought my parents’ house, Dee.” I find that stating the obvious is one of the best ways to begin small talk. Deanna said, “Yes, we did.”

    Well, there wasn’t much to work with from that response, so I tried feigning ignorance. I said, “Somehow, I just can’t get my head around it.” Deanna loves those kinds of ignorant statements, because she enjoys coming up with explanations for me. She loves it when I don’t know things, and I give her those opportunities often. It’s one of the secrets to our successful marriage.

    Deanna gave an explanation, “Maybe that’s because your folks and April are still living there.” As you can tell formerly little sis, Deanna spelled out the fact that you will be moving out, which is a detail our parents have a hard time getting their heads around. She also didn’t mention the difficulty in getting Elizabeth to leave for her apartment.

    I managed to get my hand in the proper The Thinker pose by then, so since I was in a receptive and thoughtful mood, she recounted to me her list of things she wants me to do around the house. I will repeat them for your enjoyment and delectation. She said, “Once we have it all to ourselves, we can

    a. change the carpeting,
    b. update the cabinets,
    c. paint all the rooms
    d. varnish the hardwood
    e. put in new appliances
    f. new drapes,

    and then, we’ll feel like it truly belongs to us!!!” My first thought was that it was going to be a long time before it feels like it truly belongs to us, because I have a sense the hardest part of that whole process is going to be, “Once we have it all to ourselves.” I was going to respond just that way, when everything went dark. It was one of those infernal sudden silhouettes, which plague the town.

    While I was waiting for it to get light again, I pondered a pithy statement with which to come back to Deanna. Some of my choices were:

    a. Birds just poop on anything underneath them…Humans have to wait until their mother moves away to throw out poop.
    b. Beavers just build dams anywhere they please and call it home…Humans have to buy a home and make their wives happy first.
    c. Turtles just carry their homes on their backs…Humans have to carry a mortgage.
    d. Animals just mark their territory…Humans have to redecorate.

    I decided to go with (d), although all of them were pretty stupid. I just don’t think as well when I turn to silhouette.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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