April's Real Blog

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Nelson sez, "Ha-ha!"

Hey, so I got an e-mail from Nelson Muntz:
Hey, April! I saw your parents outside the Stibbs house. Your mother said that since she's made up her mind, she can't wait to move in. And your dad said "Yes... We're going to enjoy this place. We did it. We've bought a smaller house--and the kids* are going to take ours!" Then your stupid parents sat on the front steps and your dad said that this was the right decision. Your mom said, "I know. I've said many times that our house was too big for just the two** of us." Then your dad, here comes the good part, April! Your dad said, "Everything's falling nicely into place." Then there was this huge "CRAAAA ACKKKK" sound from a big tree branch breaking, and a "...THUMMPP!!" from the branch falling right on the roof! I rode my bike right up to them and went, "HA-ha! You harassed that old guy till he sold you this house, and now, it's BROKEN!"

Thanks for the scoop, Nelson! OK, so U C I stuck a "*" and a "**" in2 Nelson's message. Here's what I wanted 2 say:

*No, Dad, "the kids" are not taking "ours"; one of "the kids" is taking "ours"; Mike. Your other two kids are NOT taking "ours."

**What's this "too big for the two of us"? I'M STILL HERE!

Gah, all I can say rite now is that I'm SO glad that Nelson ha-ha'ed my 'rents.


P.S. Honoria, do U really think I M acting like I'm going 2 decide "no" abt 4giving Ger? U think I've been staying away from him on purpose? Every time I try 2 make planz w/him, he gets a txt message telling him he has another support-group meeting to go to. Everytime I try 2 do the kind of thing U suggest, like whispering, "this is not officially 4giving U, but..." I get a txt message from Diana Artemis, my official Johnston Institute "childhood sweetheart/potential husband" consultant, warning me not 2 get ahead of myself. But it's so cute how much agency U think we have!

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  • At 10:04 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes, Im sorry u have probs but now I have a prob 2. Eva says I have 2 play Bottom. I dont no how Im evah going 2 learn all those lines in 2 weeks.


  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    OMG, while I was changing classes, Jer & Ger & sum othah guys started braying @ me. WTF???

    Im going 2 get a bathroom pass & check out the script.


  • At 10:24 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    "Enter Bottom with an ass's head"!?!

    OMG, OMG, OMG! No wondah probation d00d bailed b4 the dress rehersals started.

    Im so boned. The plays b4 I turn 16 or Id b outta here. Apes, u shld go now, u have that diamond tiara that Evah brot u from Tiffanys, shld b good 4 1st & last mo's rent.


    Fish boy, Ass head.

  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Dad is running about trying to find out if his insurance or George Stibbs’ insurance (since they had not officially taken over the house yet) is covering the damage. Mom is running about saying it is a sign from the Good Witch of the North that they weren’t supposed to move into the house in the first place and she is very happy that we have not officially bought the Sharon Park Drive house yet. Then there is you, quoting that villain Nelson Muntz and using the word “Schadenfreude” in every other sentence out of your mouth. The insurance men are confused because falling trees don’t generally shatter like broken glass when they hit houses. Because they are suspicious, it may take awhile for insurance money to come to repair the place.

    As for me and my family, I had just gotten through explaining to the children that their Grandma Elly and Grandpa John were going to be moving soon, and then I had to turn around and say they are going to be staying longer. It was a tougher task than I thought it would be, since my children thought their grandparents had moved out months ago and only visited for special occasions like Easter or your birthday party. I don’t know how they got that impression. You will be pleased to know, they are quite excited that you will not be moving for awhile. They love their auntie April. Deanna was also excited about that news, perhaps even more so than the children.

    My lovely Deanna hopes you will be available for baby-sitting tonight. She really needs a break, because her pharmacy work has been running her ragged. She has come home from work late the last few nights covered in sawdust and with splinters in her hands. The things they make her do there, since she is a manager. She says she doesn’t have to work late tonight, so I would appreciate it if you could handle the kids while I take her out for a well-deserved break.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. My deepest apologies for not realizing how regulated your life was by outside forces. Life is so different here in Milborough. I can’t imagine being so restricted I couldn’t even talk to my Jeremy flower without someone correcting me. Whenever I feel sorry for myself for my situation, I am going to remember that April Patterson has it worse than I do. When I think about it, it all makes sense now. The lack of dates with my brother Gerald, the fact you two have barely kissed and never diddled in 4 years of dating, your band which rehearses and rehearses but never plays for anyone, your nearly complete lack of extracurricular activities at school, a drama teacher who makes you sign papers you won’t participate in a dramatic production, your drab wardrobe, and now this tree which falls on your house so you can’t move. It’s a wonder you can even function in school or have a boyfriend, with all those people checking up on you and acts of nature. If there is anything I can do for you, let me know. I would do almost anything to help out my dearest future sister.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for the information about the Stibbs’ house. Becky and I were getting ready to sign papers for our new house 2 houses down from the Stibbs’ place, when we heard you weren’t going to be moving after all. The reality TV people from our show Newlyfoobs were not disappointed at all. They say they filmed someone suspiciously dressed in all black with blonde hair hanging around the Stibbs’ place, and now they are considering a new angle for our moving. Instead of us moving next to the whacky next-door-neighbour, they are considering having us moving next to the creepy next-door-neighbour with a hidden secret, which Becky and I will have to ferret out over the course of the season. If you have ever seen the cartoon show Scooby-Doo, which usually has a sequence where the heroes are being chased by the villains over the soundtrack of a pop song; they are thinking of something like that, except with the twist that Becky writes a new pop song each week and then she lip-synchs the pop song as she is being chased. To that end, the producers want us to consider a house which has a hallway with lots of doors. Do you know of any houses like that in your neighbourhood?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i almost wish u were in the drama play now, just so u cud c duncan panicking cuz he haz 2 play the part of bottom in a midsummer's nights dream. eva actually brought a bridle 2 skool. it's gonna b gr8.

    2 answer ur text message, it turns out i can come help u w/ur niece & nephew aftah the shakespeare rehearsal is ovah. the concert @the koolhaus 2nite, riders on the storm w/the bangkok 5 wuz cancelled, so i have 2nite free.

  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "schadenfreude" is such a gr8 vocab word!

    dunc, sorry abt what u went thru @ school 2day. hm, that tiara idea sounds kinda tempting. but i just know that if i try nething b4 sept, i'll b sucked back in2 the vortex of my fam.

    honoria, "drab"? hmph, i thot i looked pretty cute when i had on the lil midriff-bearing top w/the retractable sleeves. @ least when the sleeves r retracted. but if u r serious abt wanting 2 help me, mayB we cd go clothes shopping 2gether an' u can help me pick out sum cute, non-"drab" clothes. iris gave me sum more mad $ the last time i visited, so i can splurge a bit!


  • At 7:43 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I believe you told me the midriff-bearing top with the retractable sleeves was a fashion-“don’t”, comparing them to blinds. I would love to go shopping with you, assuming your entourage of advisors doesn’t keep you from picking the clothes you want.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    If I hear ne more jokes abt my head b-ing up my ass, Im going 2 punch sum1 out.


  • At 7:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no, honoria, i can buy clothes. @ least so far. i thot the shirt was cute whenev the sleeves were retracted. if only it had been a normal tanktop, it wda been fine. it wasn't a "don't" cuz it was drab, just cuz it didn't feel good 2 have those sleeves sliding up and down my arms. ew, flashback!

    dunc, not cube that ppl r saying those things abt u. i h8 them!


  • At 8:03 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, lighten up! how ‘bout the 1 where they say duncan iz makin’ an ass of himself?

  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hadda good tyme sittin’ ur niece & nephew w/u, evn wen ur niece told us that story. that wuz a weird story ur niece told us ‘bout her mom. i mean it kinda makes sense, but it wuz weird. do u know if it’s true or not? i mean did ur sil rilly decide 2 buy ur house 2 raise her kids cuz it wuz her way of tellin’ her mom wut she thot ‘bout her az a mother compared 2 ur mom? wen u think ‘bout it, ur house iz not xxactly the best choice. there’s not ne young kids in the neighbourhood ne more, cuz they’re all like our age or oldah, & the house iz kinda old. ur niece wuz complainin’ there wuz no1 2 play w/ & i can kinda c it. they’ve been in ur house 5 months now & i can’t think of them playin’ w/ne1 but u & me wen i’m here. y wudn’t ur sis wanna buy a house in a new development, like gordon mayes did? there’s gotta b kids in the mayes’ neighbourhood. i dunno y ur sil wud punish the kids 2 make a point w/ur mom. & i felt kinda bad ur niece sed her othah grandparents usedta come ovah & visit @their old apartment in TO all the tyme, but haven’t been 2 visit ur niece & nephew, since rite aftah ur bro’s fam moved in aftah the fire.

    i nevah knew i wuz gonna get that kinda reaction frum ur niece wen i asked her wut she thot ‘bout her grandma & grandpa’s new house gettin’ hit by the tree, so they cudn’t move. neway, i hadda good tyme sittin’ w/u like always. the only prob wuz that weird story & u gettin’ callz frum that diana artemis woman all the freakin’ tyme askin’ 4 a status.


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