Reading the Torquing Manual
So, as U mite remember, I stayed over @ Gramps an' Iris's apt last nite. Over brekky this morning, Iris told me abt having dinner on that day we've been talking abt here 4-seeming-evs now, when he had the physio-therapy and the speech therapy. Iris told me that she was xxplaining 2 Gramps, "I put instant mashed potato in2 th soup, dear. Is it easier 2 eat now?" And Gramps was all, "Boxcar. Nothing broken. Torquing nuts." OMG, I think that kinda means he didn't like the mashed potatoes in his soup. Then Iris pressed on w/"Is it good? Wd U like a napkin? Did U have a nice day 2day?" Gramps's response was, "Standard shift. Standard shift." Iris got, like, frustr8ed @ that pt, and was all, "Jim, the questions I'm asking all have a 'yes' or 'no' answer. U can say yes and U can say no!!! --Did U have a nice day 2day?" And insteada saying "yes" or "no," Gramps sed:
@ this pt, Iris plunked down 2 read a book she has, Living With Aphasia. She read this part of the book that sed, "If yr loved one responds w/meaningless or unkind words, do not take it personally. This is all part of living w/aphasia." And she thot, "::sniff:: What a strange condition this is. ...@ least it comes w/a manual."
In other news, I woke up from the most peculiar dream this morning. I dreamed that instead of being a 16-year-old Canadian girl in Milborough, Ontario, that I was a grown-up who lived in upstate New York, with a husband and a 4yo son. And that all this stuff that happs in Mboro was actually part of a fictional comic strip, and that I kept this blog as a hobby. But the most terrifying part of this dream was: 2day was my birthday. And I was turning 40! OMG, that's the kinda dream that really makes U wanna wake up and get back 2 yr real life, eh?"
Apes
@ this pt, Iris plunked down 2 read a book she has, Living With Aphasia. She read this part of the book that sed, "If yr loved one responds w/meaningless or unkind words, do not take it personally. This is all part of living w/aphasia." And she thot, "::sniff:: What a strange condition this is. ...@ least it comes w/a manual."In other news, I woke up from the most peculiar dream this morning. I dreamed that instead of being a 16-year-old Canadian girl in Milborough, Ontario, that I was a grown-up who lived in upstate New York, with a husband and a 4yo son. And that all this stuff that happs in Mboro was actually part of a fictional comic strip, and that I kept this blog as a hobby. But the most terrifying part of this dream was: 2day was my birthday. And I was turning 40! OMG, that's the kinda dream that really makes U wanna wake up and get back 2 yr real life, eh?"
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:17 AM
20 Comments:
At 12:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well, tell your dream self happy birthday! Just because that woman is a figment of your imagination doesn't mean we can't celebrate!
Thank you and the all other fictional contributors!
At 1:48 PM,
Jess said…
Hear, hear! If dream-grownup-April were real I would thank her for sharing her hobby with the rest of us, because I'm sure I would read her blog every day.
At 2:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, innerestin’ dream. sumtymez i dream i look like i’m 16, but then wen i wake up, i still look 40. ‘course knowin’ u, u prolly still look hott @40.
neway, wen u told me ‘bout ur grandma’s book, Living With Aphasia,the part u quoted sounded rilly familiar 2 me. i have a book kinda like it called, Living With a Drunken, Drugged-Up, Good-for-nothing Country-Western Singer as a Father, i got wen i wuz younger. i pulled it out & sure enuff there’s part that sez, “if your loved one responds with meaningless or unkind words, do not take it personally. this is all part of living with a drunken, drugged-up, good-for-nothing, Country-Western singer as a father.” what a strange condition aphasia is, if it makes ur grandpa like my dad.
At 2:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest aged April flower,
Happy 40th un-birthday!
Devotedly yours, Gerald
P.S.--I was the husband, right? And our son was Gerald Jr., right?
At 3:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I would like to add my congratulations to your 40-year-old dream self. I think mom said she was going to make some dream cake for her to celebrate.
I found your story about Iris to be the proof I had been waiting for. Grandpa Jim says nice words to you, mom, and his therapists; but to Iris and me his language is laced with profanities and the word “boxcar”. As Iris said, “He can say yes and no” if he wants to. Iris’ book says profanities are a part of living with aphasia, but if Grandpa can choose to say yes and no instead, then his profanities are clearly intentional.
I decided to visit Iris to share my viewpoint with her. Initially she seemed excited to have someone to talk to, but when she heard my theory, she didn’t seem as happy. She said, “Mike, if you are going to criticize my husband and your grandfather for the way he talks to me, I have a present for you I was planning to give you last Christmas, but I have been putting off giving to you until you and your family are settled some place permanent. Read this book first before you come to criticize Jim again.”
The book was Living With a Manipulative Wife. It’s pretty interesting. It has chapters like:
Chapter 1: Fake marriages and real marriages. How to tell the difference and how to tell your in-laws you aren’t really living in sin.
Chapter 2: Clothes-shopping honeymoons. Things to do to keep busy when your wife spends more time in the changing room than the bedroom.
Chapter 3: What to do when your wife gets pregnant and pretends it’s the birth control’s fault.
Chapter 4: How to gracefully give up your career traveling aspirations to make your wife happy.
Chapter 5: How to recognize when your wife wants you to be a kept man.
Chapter 6: Your wife wants your parents’ house. How to stay out of her way.
Chapter 7: Your wife wants your parents’ things. How to help her get them.
Chapter 8: Your wife wants to adopt your sister. How to get her for her.
Chapter 9: Suspicious fires. Wife or downstairs neighbours? Who benefits the most?
Chapter 10: What to do when your wife and your father team up against you. The value of private investigator photographs.
It’s not often I read other people’s work, but I may make an exception in this case.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:50 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have those dreams where I was a 40-year-old woman too, and they can be most disconcerting. I think it depends on what kind of underwear I wear the day before, like if the bra and panties are too matronly. If you start feeling too much like a 40-year-old woman, you should wear something really sexy as a present to yourself.
When my dream self had her last birthday, my fiancée Becky McGuire got me a book which I have found to be very useful. It’s called, Living With a Teenaged Pop Star.
A lot of it has to do with picking up the teenaged pop star’s messes and knowing when to schedule an intervention (like when your pop star starts hanging around Paris Hilton and shaves her head, for example). But there are more practical topics like “How to get your pop star to wear underwear in public” and “What to do when your pop star insists on wearing cowboy boots everywhere” and “How to handle your pop star’s depression when she realizes she’s not a teenager anymore”.
Becky actually had one part especially earmarked for me called, “How to use your marriage to boost your career via reality TV.” There was a little sticky note she left which said, “The producers called again about Newlyfoobs” This is a reality TV show which they have pitched to Becky, where they would follow Becky and me around doing events which they stage for us. I think they want Becky to appear as stupid as possible and for me to appear to be flamboyantly gay as possible. I don’t know who would be willing to watch such a thing, since Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey already covered this ground. Even I get tired of wearing feathered boas after awhile.
Happy birthday to your dream self and don’t forget what I said about the underwear. I’m sure your dream husband will appreciate it.
Howard Bunt
At 4:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Mater turned 39 this year and she said it was going to be the last year where she gets older. I said, “Oh Mater. Are you just going to pretend you’re not getting older, like those birthday cards which say, ‘So You’re 39…Again’.” Mater said, “No, Honoria. I have it from the highest authority; this is my last year to age.” And dearest April, she seemed so serious when she said it. I said to Mater, “Are you planning to become a vampire?” And Mater said, “No Honoria and not a zombie either. It’s a part of the Good Witch’s magic. You won’t get older either after September.”
The whole idea scared me. Then when you wrote about your dream self turning 40, after I thought “Happy Birthday!”, I thought unless I have a dream self too, I may never get older. I might not get married to a rich man, and have perfect children with perfect teeth, and host the most fabulous social events of each season. I keep trying to fall asleep and dream I am a 40-year-old woman with a 4-year-old son, but every time I do I end up as a 45-year-old man, married with two children and living in Arizona. It’s horrifying.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 4:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, when i go 2 bed 2nite, i will tell my subconscious mind 2 pass on all the b-day greetings 2 my 40yo self in the dreams. i have a feeling she will b v. v. touched!
ger, i seem 2 remember that the husband in the dream was a v. tall guy, like my dream self knew his height in feet an' inches, since she was in the st8's (6'5"). the lil boy was really cute, w/blond hair and blue eyes. i remember sumthing abt him looking @ my computer and reading, "april's real blog!"
honoria, i have this v. weird feeling that the dream person i was thinx the 45yo guy u dreamed abt is a v. smart and funny guy who has cute, smart kids. how strange that i shd know sumthing like that, eh?
apes
At 4:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i almost 4got, i'll bet that cd b a v. cube reality show! which network do u think wd air it?
apes
At 5:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Let us examine the clues, shall we?
1. The man was tall. I am tall. Mater says I am growing like a weed.
2. The little boy was very cute. Mater says I will have cute offspring someday.
Therefore, your husband was me. I can only conclude that, in our dream, you saw only our youngest child. By the time you are 40, my fecund little foxglove, we shall surely have 6-9 children.
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 5:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg apes, i m so glad u sed that, cuz howie has a terrible attitude abt the show idea. i keep saying it would b awesum, an' would totally help my career. an' if u lived w/ us, u could totally b on it as my sassy, cute personal asst. howie is afraid it will b like newlyweds, but it totally won't, cuz of these reasons:
1. i m smart. i know that chicken of the sea = tuna.
2. howie is even smarter.
3. we r gonna have sum babies. prolly 1-2 of r own, an' prolly a bunch of adopted 1s frum wherever is trendy. howie is v. v. v. jellus of angelina jolie an' brad pitt rite now.
4. i will perform musical #s 4 the show.
5. howie will wear a dress an' sing lite opera around the house.
6. howie will prolly give fashion tips, since that's just what he duz naturally.
7. i m trying 2 convince the producer 2 let me use the show 2 xxpose an' humiliate jelly an' the rest of the fattersons (not u).
becks
At 6:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
To answer your question about the networks, the producer of the show Newlyfoobs is marketing the show to all the networks including ones in the States, but has the strongest leads among CBC, CTV, and Global. I think this is because Becky is not well-known in the States (yet). Oddly enough, because of Becky pushing the opportunity to humiliate your mother, the Teletoon network is extremely interested, and if they picked us up, that would probably be the focus of the show. I don’t know what your mother did to the people at Teletoon, but it must have been serious.
Becky doesn’t want humiliating your mother and your family to be the primary focus for obvious career-limiting reasons. However, if CBC, CTV or Global don’t pick it up, then the producers of the show may contract for only 50% of the show to humiliate your mother with Teletoon as a part of their required certain percentage of Canadian content.
I should mention that although I am jealous of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for having children, I do have certain feelings about Brad Pitt which are not related to adopting children.
The reasons I am nervous about doing the show are:
1. No matter how smart you are, the producers are going to take any stupid moment you have and use it. Like the time I got the motifs from the Mendelssohn and Mozart violin concertos confused. That was embarrassing and you know the producers would spend 15 minutes on it humiliating me if they caught that on film.
2. They tell Becky I get to wear a dress and sing light opera around the house. Correction: Not a simple and elegant dress of my choosing, but a French maid’s outfit. Black and white are not my best colours.
3. Musical numbers. I get nervous every time the producer compares the productions to the musical numbers done in the old Monkees television show.
4. The producers want me to have a best friend/neighbour who is a sassy black girl and lots of finger-snapping.
That's why I am nervous.
Howard Bunt
At 7:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, the thing is, the ppl in my dream were definitely american. and i only had one child, not 6-9. also, i had a ph.d. in sumthing, i think english.
howard, becks, i think the show cd b v. cube if it's handled well. i'd b nervous abt the teletoon show making things 2 much abt my fam. oh, and now i understand y i saw sum signs around town, "audition: sassy, finger-snapping black girl next door."
apes
At 7:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, if u & whoevah u wanna bring r innerested, the koolhaus haz all ages shows 2nite & again on sunday nite cuz of victoria day weekend. 2nite, we got:
Color Revolt 7:30 – 7:55pm
Anathallo 8:10 – 8:40pm
Brand New 9:10 – 11:00pm
come down 2 the usual spot & call me on my cell & i’ll get u in. honoria iz already here & she’s pretty xxcited 2c me work the sound setup 4 these 3 groups. she sez she haz a lotta growin’ up 2 do in the next 4 months, wutevah that means.
At 7:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, ger is bizzy w/support-group mtgs, so dennis north is gonna take me 2 koolhaus 2nite. i'll c u soon!
apes
At 7:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, dennis north, eh? iz this 1 of thoze official corbeil-sanctioned d8s 2 find u a suitable spouse?
At 9:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 getting us in, jeremy. so, like i told jeremy when we 1st got here, yeah, this is one of those d8's. we r having a gr8 time!
apes
At 9:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well happy birthday!
I am amazed by the energy your dream self puts into this blog.
You are spectacularly talented.
Cheers
At 9:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
anon, i m sensing my dream self wd b blushing and thanking u 4 yr nice comment!
apes
At 11:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
ugh. no sassy black girl. esp. if it's eva. i h8 eva. y can't it b a sassy martian?
becks
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