Imagining Basement Prison
Well, the other day, I found Mom and Dad in the kitchen, where Mom was shuffling papers rel8ed 2 moving in2 the George Stibbs Teeny-Tiny Train House. And I was all, "U've decided then, 4 sure." And Mom was like, "We've made all the arrangements, April. We're going 2 move down the street." I sed, "I wanted that house 2 B Michael's." And Mom brushed that off w/"It's better this way, honey. Our house is the perfect size 4 his family, and it's 2 big 4 us." Then Mom's WonderTwin, Dad, was like, "We know U're upset. We hadn't planned 2 move until U were in university. ...This just happened 2 come along, and we cdn't pass up such a gr8 opportunity." "Just happened 2 come along"? OMG, Dad's been after Mr. Stibbs 4 YEARS 2 sell him the choo-choo house. NEway, Dad went on w/"U'll get used 2 living in a new house. We can finish the basement--just 4 U!" I pictured myself looking out from barred windows in a basement, like I was a prisoner, and I just got depressed. Then I remembered it's a 2-bedroom house, and I was all, "Dad, don't I get a bedroom?" He looked kinda shifty-eyed and sed, "Well, honey, we'll C. I'm going 2 have 2 figure out where I can put my trains, U C." Always with the trains.
Apes
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Dad, Mike, Mom, TRAINS
posted by April Patterson @ 6:36 AM
19 Comments:
At 11:20 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
I feel 4 u. Only 21 more days til Im 16, then we can get r own apt if u want 2.
Im @ Terror Lake this weekend helping my 'rents clean up the cottage they r selling it hope it goes rilly rilly fast I dont want 2 spend nemore time there. I dunno who wld b wack enuf 2 buy it but then my dad was wack enuf 2 buy it last year.
Ill b so glad when drama clubs ovah. I like the new ampitheatre bettah than the football field, I nevah liked football neway.
Got 2 go. My 15 mins r up. Eva & I will b @ Horny Ts @ 8 pm if u want 2 hang.
L8r.
MCDunC
At 1:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April why are you always so quiet? you never speak up for yourself. You just sit there thinking things, while others push you around. You are a young lady, not a doormat. Are you that scared of your Mom, that you can't ever speak up?
I think you should move out, move in with Iris and your Grandpa, help her out and play guitar for grandpa, at least you will have a room with light to live in instead of a dark basement. Your parents are selfish and too passive-aggressive to say they really want to get rid of you and start their Empty Nest time. They are giving you the message indirectly MOVE OUT, and too chicken to say so. You think your Dad is really going to spend thousands on redoing a basement when you couldnt even get a decent bedroom set out of them?
Consider legal emancipation, I dont know if Canada has that but America does.
You dont have to go live in a nasty basement with parents who simply just want you out of their way. Havent you figured out they want you in the basement so they can pretend they are the only ones who live there?
At 2:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
As usual, you are overreacting, Dad offered to finish the basement for you to give you your own apartment like place to stay, lucky you, the basement apartment I rented isn't finished, and it's full of spiders and the landlord's grandma's old junk, and I don't understand why you would think of it like a prison, duh, moving to a new house and getting a new room is not like getting locked up, besides, I would think you would like to have the basement all to yourself, it will make it easy for you to sneak Gerald in for sex.
Liz
At 3:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I know just how it is to have your family ignore you and your opinions. I remember very well the day I was sent home from the Cashwell Day School to parents and siblings who barely remembered they even had a daughter or a sister. I thought Cashwell was going to be my home until I turned 18 and could marry my boyfriend Bronson van Daam, and then I would get to live the rest of my life in one of the 12 different estates owned by the van Daam family, and raise our children there. After coming home to what was a new house to me, I used to spend most of my time sitting in my basement room / wine cellar and watch my brothers occasionally wandering through to sneak out some wine to use to seduce their girlfriends (I am really talking mostly about older brother, although Gerald has started the practice this year.)
I enjoy the wine cellar in some respects. It gives me an opportunity to work on my wine knowledge which is something important to a lady’s good breeding, and it is the only place in the house which is not completely white. When I think back to my days in the dormitory at Cashwell, with a bright open window overlooking the well-manicured lawns, I sometimes feel as though I am in a prison. So, I know just how it is going to be for you in your new home, except you won’t have wine.
Fortunately, my Jeremy flower came into my life and I really spend very little time in my bedroom anymore except for sleeping. I do most of my school work when I am baby-sitting for Mr. Anthony Caine, while he goes to his astronomy club meetings. Last night, Jeremy took me to the all ages show at the Koolhaus in Toronto, for their Sunday night Victoria Day weekend concerts and I spent most of the time dancing next to Jeremy as he worked the sound for all the shows. Jeremy is so different from the boys at Cashwell. He doesn’t dress as well, and he has problems with body odor, and occasional facial blemishes, and greasy skin and he misses spots when he shaves; but compared to a lot of Gerald’s friends at R.P. Boire (particularly the guy with the giant teeth), he is a very attractive young gentleman.
Not only that, but I think he is an excellent diddler. When I am laying on my bed, among the ancient bottles of wine, light music playing to mask any noises I may make, and the look of my Jeremy flower’s face smiling at me as he diddles away; I think to myself I have found a new home. Once you move to your basement home, if you can get my brother Gerald to diddle you, I think you will like the place much, much better.
Oh, in case I forgot to ask. Gerald tells me you have one of those new shirts with the sleeves which automatically retract or expand depending on your mood or body temperature. What do you think of them? Does the sleeve movement bother you, or do you barely notice?
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 4:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. My lovely Deanna reported some good news to me. She said that if your move to the Stibbs’ house wouldn’t occur until pop had finished finishing the basement for you, then you might be still living with us for awhile after mom and pop have already moved. In fact, Deanna thinks that finishing the basement is probably lower on pop’s list of priorities than putting together his 3-lot wide train project, or setting up his workshop, or flossing his teeth; so it could be months and months before you move. Confidentially, if pop keeps on giving you those really close hugs every time he talks about the basement, Deanna thinks you will be a lot happier living with us and doing the occasional baby-sitting. She promises no one in our family is going to give you uncomfortably close hugs and then whine when you want them to let you go.
Also, could you check on Dixie for me? She looks kind of dead-like when she’s sleeping, and I would rather not have the children try to play with her, if she died.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I have spent our Victoria Day being filmed for the Newlyfoobs Reality TV show. Becky did a 15-minute Victoria Day concert at the Milborough town center pushing her new duet single with Mizz Candy Rapper. Then we have been spending the day going through your neighbourhood with a “realtor” AKA a Toronto performance artist whose stage name for this show is Carolyn Burnham (from inspecting homes for sale. We’ve already picked out a house with a whacky next door neighbour, 2 houses down from the George Stibbs’ place, but we are going through the house-hunting process again for the show.
We had to stage a little bit for the show, when the realtor showed up with a car to drive us a round and it didn’t have leather seats. Becky had to throw a little fake fit about how only leather seats in the realtor’s car would be acceptable. I had to complain the car’s exteriour colour wouldn’t match my hair. This means the realtor had to go get another car, or rather, go around the corner and drive over the other car with the leather seats. It sounds kind of silly, but not as bad as making a whole commercial airline return to the airport to change out planes due to lacking leather seats in first class.
We have to get back to it. Becky may add some more details, if she wants.
Howard Bunt
At 4:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
That last post doesn't look right. I was trying to reference the movie "American Beauty" and it turned the whole last part of the post into the reference.
Sorry,
Howard Bunt
At 4:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, have a gr8 tyme 2nite w/duncan & eva @horny tim’s. by the way, if they ask u if ur innerested in playin’ a part in the drama club production, like the part of bottom in midsummer’s night dream, you shud say “no”. don’t give them ne kinda, “i’ll think ‘bout it” answer. u wanna tell them u’ve decided 4 sure “no.” don’t give in if duncan gets upset & cries & tries 2 hug u either.
At 5:53 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Apes,
Wld u play Bottom? The d00d who was playing him finished his probation on Friday & quit.
Yr best friend 4evah,
MCDunC
p.s. Eva & Mr & Mrs Abuya went in their priv8 plane 2 NYC 2 shop 4 the May 2-4 weekend, I think Eva bot u a rilly xpensive pressie, not like its a bribe 2 play Bottom or nething.
At 6:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
anon, i get v. discouraged cuz when i've tried 2 stand up 4 myself, it hasn't gone so well. like when i complained abt being ousted from my rm and forced 2 move in2 the rec room? was when dad wrote in his letter for jan 2007:
April, bless her soul, (and her age) is quite grumpy about moving into the rec room. She was upset enough at sharing the house with Liz, but now, she is just over the top about not having the place to herself. Poor kid, we didn't mean for her to become a princess, but that's what happens when you are the youngest and then only child in the house. She was really enjoying all the chaos at first, as if it was a great adventure, but that wore off this week, and you can see she really needs her space, which is not forthcoming.
and then, there was the time, back in march, when i told mom that if sumthing didn't change soon, i'd leave. and she asked me if she cd come w/me. ('course not!)
oh, and in ontario, 16yo's can just leave home and live independently. we don't need 2 go thru a court process or nething (tho i cd sue my 'rents 4 child support). this is y dunc keeps talking abt us getting an apt after he turns 16, 2. dunc, i have this weird feeling that we'll hafta hold off until sept. that the sinister force from up north wd not allow me 2 move in2 an apt b4 then.
but meanwhile, i do sum overnite visits w/gramps an' iris and w/friends.
honoria, i hafta say i m a lil nervous abt the whole "diddling" thing, since the word gets interpreted so many diff ways. sum of those ways r, well, pretty dirty.
the shirt w/the retractable sleeves is a lil bit disturbing. it's like, u 4get abt it, and all of a sudden, u feel the fabric growing or retracting, kinda like a window blind.
dunc, jeremy. i was mbarrassed 2 admit this when it 1st happed, but when the auditions 4 midsummer nite's dream were being held, i tried out. and the drama teacher sed i'm a terrible, terrible actress. that i shd really not attempt 2 act ever again.
liz, u never seem 2 take my side, eh? but w8--u sound kinda like the voice of xperience when it comes 2 sneaking in boyz 4 sex. do tell, i'm sure my readers wanna know!
apes
At 7:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I have told you explicitly how I define “diddling” as a secret between us girlfriends, and I believe you agreed that the way I define it is not “dirty”. You said it was more like what some people in Milborough call “second base”, which you said was a baseball reference. Someday, I may have to view that sport to see what the men and women who play it, do for the second base part of it. It sounds like a very peculiar sport.
I have not told any men anything about “diddling”, except my Jeremy flower of course. Isn’t that the way things are done at R.P. Boire? My brother, Gerald, insists that was your complaint with him, i.e. don’t tell boys anything, just your girlfriends. It is difficult for me to interpret how things work in Milborough. At Cashwell Day School, if a young lady managed to get a commitment either verbal or physical from a young gentleman with a trust fund, it was a cause for celebration, not secrecy.
As for the shirt with the retractable sleeves, it doesn’t sound like you recommend it, if you are comparing it to a window blind. If you compared to a fine drapery, that would be a different story. Therefore, I shall mark it off my list of potential fashion “do”s.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 7:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, i know how u define "diddling." i m more worried abt how ger wd choose 2 interpret the word. and ger is worried he'd get in trub 4 one of the "dirty" definitions even if we did one of the clean kind.
as 4 ger and "bases," i'm still on stand-by abt whether ger can b 4given. no bases b4 4giveness.
no, i don't recommend the retractable sleeves.
apes
At 7:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m kinda surprised u wud audition 4 the midsummer nite's dream, considerin’ u don’t usually do much outside of work lilliput’s & practice w/ur band & babysit. i’m glad u took my advice & turned duncan down. the way eva treats the person playin’ bottom, i think they wud take ne1 now, no mattah how bad an actor they were. if u had taken the part, i wud hafta put up w/u writin’ all kindsa stuff ‘bout that awful, awful show & dealin’ w/duncan & especially eva. i definitely don’t wanna read that. i wud rather read ‘bout u movin’ n2 a basement & stories ‘bout ur grandpa’s therapy, than eva & duncan stories.
At 8:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes, pls, pls, pls say u will b Bottom.
Ill buy u a dbl dbl & maple dip evry day 4 the rest of yr life if u say yes.
Meet u @ the park @ 9:30 4 the fireworks.
MCDunC
At 8:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I certainly hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my brother. It’s been almost 7 weeks now since you have been mad at him, and you have missed a lot of good dating time with him, and I should mention, a lot of good diddling. Trust me when I say that if Gerald gets a couple of glasses of Château Lafite Rothschild in him, he will not care how the word is interpreted. He was in my wine cellar / basement bedroom the other night, slurping down some of Pater’s finest and telling me how knitting and sewing were nearly the same thing, an idea he said he got from your mother. I am sure that if brother was in that mental state, you could get him to do most anything you wanted, regardless of word interpretation.
Judging from what you have written, dearest future sister, it sounds like brother’s fears are secondary to you deciding if you are going to forgive him or not. I find it hard to believe you are taking so long to make this decision. I have been angry with my Jeremy flower a few times for being too honest, but it only takes me a day to get over it. Gerald assures me that your whole family is notorious for extremely slow decisions and it could be up to 18 months before you decide, based on your family history. I certainly hope brother was exaggerating due to the large amount of high quality wine in his system that evening, but the longer you take, the more credence I give to his spurious suggestions.
Dearest future sister, there are many activities approaching at the end of the school year for couples, and I sincerely hoped that I would get to participate in them with my brother, my Jeremy, and with you especially, since you are a lady and I would have someone to talk with. I fear that the month of May and then June will pass and you still will have not decided to forgive Gerald and you will miss all those things. I know rushing to a decision is not lady-like but after 7 weeks, I don’t think anyone will accuse you of rushing.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 8:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, honoria & i will b @ the park 4 the fireworks 2. if u come ovah 2 talk, don’t bring duncan or eva or there mite b fireworks on the ground in addition 2 the air.
At 8:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I are also at the fireworks with the Newlyfoobs camera crew. If you want to wander over to see us, I am working through a staged altercation with a food vendor over how a proper Victorian Cream Tea is to be served, that is, whether or not real Devon cream is to be used, and the quality of the scones, and that old favourite, the differences between high tea and low tea. I believe I may come off as a pretentious idiot, but at least it will serve to educate the largely ignorant public.
Howard Bunt
At 9:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m on my way 2 the park. dunc, the drama teacher made me take a solomn oath never 2 even try acting again. i hadta sign sumthing in triplicate w/witnesses and official stamps an' stuff.
honoria, u seem 2 b labouring under the delusion that i get 2 decide whether i'm going 2 4give ger or not. if it were up 2 me, we wda hashed things out ages ago, and i wda decided based on how that went. no, no, no. the witch of corbeil. she will decide whether i 4give or not. did ger not brief u on this?
howard, sounds entertaining. i will check it out.
apes
At 11:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Gerald told me you were waiting for the Witch of Corbeil to make your decision for you, but does that mean you have to treat Gerald like you are going to decide “no” in the meantime? Gerald says the Witch is not a fast decision-maker and it could take months. Are you really going to avoid Gerald until you hear from her? You are going to miss so much fun stuff, you and me and my Jeremy flower and Gerald could do together on double-dates. Like right now, instead of you hanging out with that awful Eva girl and her boyfriend; you and Gerald could be over here with me and my Jeremy flower sharing low fat cucumber sandwiches and celery soda, while we watch fireworks.
Can’t you just whisper to Gerald something like, “This is not officially forgiveness, but a temporary forgiveness until the Witch lets me know.” Wouldn’t that work? Waiting for that slow Witch is ever so dreary.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
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