More than I wanted 2 know

Dad sent me an e-mail telling me, "April, I'm still a clever fox!" Which made me think, "Bwuh?" Then he backed up and sed that the night of Mom's recent visit w/Gramps, they were getting ready 4 bed, both of them in th bathroom, and he suddenly noticed their bodies were oddly proportioned and that Mom was downright short an' stumpy compared 2 the bathroom sink, which seemed to be built at a weird angle. And the picture on the wall didn't share the same perspective as the mirror that Mom was looking in2, over the sink. And that 2 take his mind off all this, he asked Mom, "How's yr dad?" Mom told him that there's "no change" and that "he's very bad-tempered--which is so hard on Iris." Dad, following Mom into the bedroom, which seemed really big considering the size of the TTH, told Mom, "Growing old isn't easy, Elly. NE1 who's over 80 and doesn't complain has my sincere admiration." Wow, does that mean he holds nothing but contempt 4 the over-80 peeps who DO complain? NEway, Mom answered, "Dad has suffered so much. He's lucky 2 have such a dedic8ed partner. I wonder which one of us will B taking care of the other." Dad sez he got a sudden inspiration, and sed, "I don't know, but we cd start practicing now." And he stretched out on the bed, belly down, 2 get Mom 2 rub his back. And Mom did so, while saying, "U have no shame." And Dad tells me he was all, "...Not when it comes 2 back rubs!"

He wrote, "April, that moment reminded me of those good old days in the early 80s, when I'd make some comment about keeping the little woman in her place, and your mother would over-react. Boy did that take me back." Ooh, I've heard abt those days, of "Chauvinist Dad." Now he's just known as "Choo-Choo Johnny." Ppl who knew him well back in the 80s tell me 2 B glad he spends so much time playing w/his trains.

Apes

No1 else wants 2 play choo-choos

Yesterday, I got a package from Dunc! It had a Playstation game in it, a game called Gems, which is apparently only available in Barbados. It's like a knock-off of Bejeweled, but made for Playstation. I figured I'd pop it in our unit and give it a try, esp. since Dad was outside getting his new model-train layout set up, so it was gonna B one of those days.

Sure enuf, as soon as I was getting really in2 playing this new Gems game (warning: it has that same "crack" effect U get from Bejeweled!) Dad was there @ my shoulder, in his embarrassing choo-choo overalls and cap (bad enuf he plays w/toy trains--he also hasta play dress-up as a train engineer). He was all, "April! Wanna come outside an' C what I'm doing w/my trains?" (Note 2 Mike: Yes, Dad sed "an'.") I was all, "No thanx, Dad... I'm on a roll!" 'Course he didn't just take the hint and move on, instead he was totally "U've gotta C my new workshop! I've got it all organized!" And I sed, "OK ... MayB l8er."

Then Dad grabbed the fone, and I guess he figged that since Mike lives down the street from us now, he's available for "look at my choo-choo" calls, LOL. I heard Dad saying, "Hey, Mike! Wanna check out my new layout?" Then I heard him pausing and sounding sad as he sed, "Oh. OK. Sure. I'll call 2morrow......... 'Bye." Watch out, Mike. That means Dad will call U 2day! Have U prepared an xxcuse not 2 come look @ the choo-choos this time?

NEway, I heard Dad making a coupla other calls:"Steve! --It's John Patterson! What? Hey-- no problem! Go 4 it! Get a hole in 1 out there, buddy!" After his call 2 Steve Nichols, he even got out his address book 2 call sum guy Dave that he barely knows: "Dave! Wanna come over? No? Well... Say 'hi!' 2 the grandkids 4 me!"

L8er on, Mom cdn't find him when supper was ready, so she went out 2 the back deck, and she found him sitting on the steps looking mopey. When she asked him what was wrong, he was all, "::snort:: ....I've got nobody 2 play w/."

BTW, during the time when we were making our plans 2 move and actually moving, I got a lot of v. supportive e-mails from peeps who understood Y I was upset abt how my fam had been handling our move. Lots of U wrote "Yr dad had better make good on his promise 2 renov8 the basement in2 an apt 4 U--if that's what U want, NEway!" Well, as U can tell, that didn't happ. The 1st thing Dad did after we were unpacked and had the basic repairs dun was 2 start working on those idiot trains and his choo-choo workshop. Tho I guess I wasn't xxpecting diff. MayB hoping a lil bit, but not xxpecting. Oh, well, next month I go 2 the farm! And tune in 2morrow, prob 4 more on that telethon.

Edit: Oops, I didn't C the last few comments 2 yesterday's post until after I published this entry. Shannon, sum ppl tell me that keeping everything in while acting "nice" is not v. "nice" @ all, but passive-aggressive instead. But when I talk 2 ppl abt what bothers me, I will try 2 B nice abt it. Jeremy, I will try an' pretend U didn't imply that I tell things boringly. Honoria, U're welcome 4 my Ger-Chihuahua house call yesterday. I'm glad I had sum samples of worm meds from Laura's vet clinic. I won't repeat the thots Ger had rite B4 he passed out, cuz I know how much U value bein' a lady an' all.

Apes

Best Man

So Liz wrote in with this:

April,

Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).

Liz

This morning, Liz came over 4 brekkie, cuz she was all outta cookies an' 4got 2 shop 4 more food. I was all, "So who's the guy?" Mike had just walked in2 the kitchen rite B4 that, 4raging 4 sum granola and milk 2 completely finish, so Liz was like, "U don't recognize our brother Mike?" And I rolled my eyez, all, "No, not that guy! The guy @ the wedding rehearsal. The 1 U mentioned in yr comment last nite." Liz got frowny 4 a moment, like "U R so nosy!" But then she kinda 4got 2 B pissy an' sed, "Oh, April, his name is Mason, and he's so hunky! He sort of reminds me of yr Gerald, but grown-uplike and manly! He's the best man, and he's going 2 B my escort b-cuz he doesn't have a d8 either! April, I just know this is FATE!"

Just then, Mike plunked down, with a salad-sized bowl full of granola and probably almost a whole litre's worth of milk in that, and he sed, "It's all my fault! I just realized this morning!" Liz an' I kinda looked @ ea other confused, but Mike went on, "Dad and the trains! I had a memory, when I was looking @ sum old pics of me and Brian Enjo, from rite around the time we finished grade 4. And that's when it came back 2 me." He did a dramatic pause, and looked up @ us, kinda tearful. "Keith Enjo, Brian's Dad, had model trains in his basement. This was long B4 Dad ever thot of it. After Brian showed them 2 me, I came home raving about how gr8 they were. But here's the worst part. After I'd finished telling Dad about the model trains, I sed...." He paused dramatically. "I sed, 'It must B gr8 2 have a father who's interesting!" Liz and I were both all, "OMG," and Mike nodded, saying, "Dad didn't get in2 the trains until the 1990s, girls, but I think I must have planted this idea in his head back in the 80s!" Just then, Mom walked in and sed, "Don't feel 2 bad, Mike. If it hadn't been trains, it wd have been sumthing equally stupid and childish." Then Dad came up from his workshop, wearing his choo-choo coveralls, carrying two little "train" ppl, saying, "Now, now, Edwina, quit fighting with Norman!"

Dunc, OMG, that was so messed up w/Kimmi, Zenobia, Zapata, and Eva all going after U @ that party U threw @ Eva's house. Howard, thanx 4 coming over when U called. Dunc, I'm sorry 2 hear abt the bald spot.

Apes

Imagining Basement Prison

Well, the other day, I found Mom and Dad in the kitchen, where Mom was shuffling papers rel8ed 2 moving in2 the George Stibbs Teeny-Tiny Train House. And I was all, "U've decided then, 4 sure." And Mom was like, "We've made all the arrangements, April. We're going 2 move down the street." I sed, "I wanted that house 2 B Michael's." And Mom brushed that off w/"It's better this way, honey. Our house is the perfect size 4 his family, and it's 2 big 4 us." Then Mom's WonderTwin, Dad, was like, "We know U're upset. We hadn't planned 2 move until U were in university. ...This just happened 2 come along, and we cdn't pass up such a gr8 opportunity." "Just happened 2 come along"? OMG, Dad's been after Mr. Stibbs 4 YEARS 2 sell him the choo-choo house. NEway, Dad went on w/"U'll get used 2 living in a new house. We can finish the basement--just 4 U!" I pictured myself looking out from barred windows in a basement, like I was a prisoner, and I just got depressed. Then I remembered it's a 2-bedroom house, and I was all, "Dad, don't I get a bedroom?" He looked kinda shifty-eyed and sed, "Well, honey, we'll C. I'm going 2 have 2 figure out where I can put my trains, U C." Always with the trains.

Apes

[Not] Decided?

Liz told me that after she went inside 2 massage her thumb after she had her injury from txt-ing Warren, she discovered Mom sitting @ the kitchen table poring over furniture catalogues.

Mom was all, "I'm glad U found an apt, Liz!" And Liz told her, "Yeah. ....Looks like our whole family is going 2 B uprooted." Liz sat down, and Mom asked her, "Y do U say that?" Liz: "U're going 2 buy the Stibbs' place, rite? Mike and Deanna R going 2 stay here." Mom glanced down @ her furniture ads, all "Well, it hasn't been decided yet." Liz was like, "Yes it has!! U're looking @ furniture catalogues, Mike an' Dee R down @ the bank, and Dad's cleaning out his workshop! So, I'd say it's been decided." Liz sez that Mom got one of her gobsmacked looks and was all,"Oh."

Funny how there was no mention of me. @ least in this bit of convo that Liz reported. Liz sez I'll hafta w8 and C whether NE1 brought up the subject of me being uprooted, or whether this is all we're gonna hear abt this convo betw Mom and Liz.

Jeremy, I hafta say our evening out was v. v. interesting. Sumtymez I 4get just what a gossipy kinda place we live in. Ppl were all, "Isn't that April Patterson on a motorcycle w/sum middle-aged guy? Oh w8, that's Jeremy Jones!" Then they'd take out their cell fones and start txt-ing other ppl, all fast an' furious, till they were suddenly all "OW! TMDI!" NEway, when we were @ Kool Haus, and U leapt outta yr seat and yelled out, "APRIL PATTERSON HAS CONVERTED ME 2 GOOD!"? Well, I hafta say that surprised me. As did the official Corbeil photogs, stenographers, and representatives who popped out of seemingly nowhere 2 snap pics, take notes, and give U yr official "changed 2 good" certificate. Congrats? Oh, and thanx 4 the lesson in riding a motorcycle, @ that vacant lot we went 2 afterwards. That was v. cube of U.

Apes out

Everything new?

More on the drama surrounding my 'rents and their decision whether or not 2 sell our house 2 Mike/Dee and move 2 the Stibbs teeny-tiny train house down the street.

I was kinda hanging out in the hallway area, still bummed over my "nothing will B the same" thots following Dee's lil speech 2 Mike abt their kiddles growing up in the same house, neighbourhood, school, an' so on. And I heard Mom and Dad in the kitchen.

Mom was all, "John, if we moved 2 a smaller house, what wd we do w/all our stuff?" And I heard Dad being all, "Leave it here." Mom responded with "....Leave it? ...Here?" And Dad went in2 a whole thing of "Mike and Deanna lost almost everything in the fire! --We leave them our furniture and everything in the cupbds and get NEW stuff!!" Mom seemed 2 warm up 2 that idea, w/"New stuff?" And Dad went w/it: "Totally new!! New bed, new sheets, new towels, new pots and pans, new couch, new TV...." Mom, sounding kinda hypnotized: "EVERYTHING NEW?" Dad sounding kinda worried: "Except me. I'd stay the same."

Huh. Nothing about me. Am I one of the things they'd B leaving behind? And if not, is Dad volunteering me 2 leave behind the new furniture bought w/my own $ from Ikea? And if that's what he has in mind, do I have a say in the replacement furniture? Who'm I kidding? Dad wasn't thinking abt me @ all. He's already all dun w/me in his head.

Apes

What if/is

I just remembered a bit more abt what happed that day Mom, Dad, Mike, an' Dee went 2 have a look @ the teeny-tiny Stibbs train house and came home all talking abt making a house switch.

Mom an' Dad came over 2 me, and Dad put an arm on one of my shoulders, all "Don't look so worried, honey. Nothing's been decided yet. It's all 'what if?'" Me: "What if?" Dad: "We're thinking, that's all! U know: 'What if yr Mom and I moved 2 a smaller place down the street?" [What? Soundz like he already decided not 2 take me w/them!!!] Then, "What if Michael and Deanna lived here? It's a perfect house 4 them and 2 big 4 us! ...It's all just "what if." Then Mom and Dad receded in2 silhouette and I thot, "I think 'what if' is going 2 turn in2 'what is'!!" Not only that, but I feel like Dad is really trying 2 get rid of me, like he just wants 2 totally B dun raising kids even tho I'm only 16 an' have 2 yrs of HS left. This is making me feel all bummy. Which brings me to. . . .

K, so like I promised, I'll tell U more abt my time in Corbeil this past wk. Thursday, after I dropped off my stuff in the Johnston Institute guest quarters, Dr. Artemis escorted me 2 this, like, small theatre. She whispered 2 me, "Lynn is a fan of amateur theatre, but she gets annoyed whenever she actually has 2 go out sumwhere 2 C it. So she had this little theatre built, and local theatre groups do performances 4 her here from time 2 time." I was like, "Oh, it's kind of like she's the Queen!" And Dr. A was all, "What do U mean 'kind of like'?" Which made me laff, but Dr. A kept this s00per-serious look on her face, so I dropped the laff.

NEway, there was a table up on the stage, kinda like a kitchen table? With 2 chairs, across fr. ea other. Mrs. Johnston, Stephanie, Nancy, Jackie, Liuba, Allison, and Laura were sitting in the front row. Ea one had a clipboard with a bunch of evaluation forms attached. Dr. A told me 2 got sit in one of the chairs, and then one by one, she had a bunch of guys sit down in the other chair and we were supposta get 2 know ea other. Every guy hadta either B a Milborough resident who xxpects 2 live there 4 the long haul, or sum2 who is willing 2 reloc8 2 Mboro.

Ea guy had one minute 2 chat w/me B4 Dr. A blew a whistle 2 let him know time was up. I had 2 have these quick "d8's" w/25 guys! Man, it was so totally draining, I can't even xxplain properly. I chatted w/, among others, tattooed and pierced drummers; hi-school students (not from R.P. Boire) including jocks, drama heads, computer geeks, and musicians; university students from all over Canada; garage mechanics, dance instructors, veterinary students, law students, firefighters, and one of the guys from Trailer Park Boys.

After that first round, I was sent out 2 have lunch in the caf (linguine alfredo) while the ladies conferred. This took abt an hour. Dr. A then escorted me fr. the caf 2 the theatre and she announced the guys who had made the cut from the 1st round. These were ten guys: (1) Adam Gentlesse, a veterinary student from Ontario Veterinary College at the University of Guelph; (2) Axel Hibobbery, a drummer and music-store employee from Milborough; (3) Monty Sugarbaum, an honour student in grade 11 from the Unser Pipi Trinken Separate School of Milborough; (4) a Milborough firefighter named Hank Buontipo; (5) Myron Mygatz, a criminology student from York University; (6) Dennis North; (7) a Romanian acrobat named Florian Popinklorinescu; (8) a competitive Spelling Bee competitor from Saskatchewan, Piet Zorbeau; (9) an abstract-expressionist artist from Vancouver, Liam O'Leary; and (10) Corey Bowles, who plays Corey on the Trailer Park Boys.

For this second round, each guy had five minutes 2 chat w/me, while the ladies furiously took notes and murmured 2 themselves. This was kinda bummy, cuz it seemed like just when I'd sorta get comfortable an' start enjoying a convo, the time'd B up and the guy'd B hauled off the stage 4 the next "d8" 2 start. After these 10 speed-d8's, I got kicked out again (this time I went 2 the pool 4 a nice swim) so the ladies cd confer again. Then, once again, Dr. A went and got me. (Fortch, she let me shower and change).

We went back 2 the theatre, and Dr. A took from Mrs. Johnston a clipboard. She looked @ the clipboard and read the names of the 3 guys who R now 2 B considered childhood sweethearts for me. They are Adam Gentlesse, Axel Hibobbery, and Dennis North. She had each of these three guys come out on2 the stage and shake my hand. Then she gave ea one a "Johnston Institute For Better Living" tote bag, containing a binder full of background info on Pattersons, a handle-less coffee mug, and an autographed t-shirt.

Friday morning, I went 2 a kickboxing class w/Steph, Laura, Nancy, and Jackie. Afterwards, I was really thirsty, and I was all, "OMG, is there a water fountain." And Liuba came along with a paper cup of fruit punch, and she sed, "Drink this; it has electrolytes." I was so thirsty, I just grabbed it and chugged it down. Then, I looked @ the cup, and it sed, "The Kool Aid" on it. I was all, "OMG, did I just drink the Kool Aid?" And then Mrs. Johnston showed up out of nowhere and she was all, "Yes you did. Relax and don't try 2 resist. It will all B more pleasant if U don't try 2 resist."

Next thing I knew, I was attending workshops on punning, slapstick humour, "making the world a better place just by being a Patterson," "embracing yr OCD," martyrdom, and "co-existing grudgingly with our animal friends." Normally, this all wd have been unbearable, but that Kool Aid stuff was giving me this weird feeling of well being. By the end of the day, I thot Bobby Curtola records were super-cube.

Saturday morning, I took a spinning class w/Steph, Laura, Nancy, and Jackie. This time, I brought a bottle of water, so I slurped that after class. But the spinning class was so intense, I was like totally ravenous afterwards. I was all, "NE1 got a Luna bar or sumthin' like that?" And Liuba showed up with a bar, saying, "Yes, here's a Luna bar." So I unwrapped it and gobbled it down. Then I thot, "MayB I shda looked @ the wrapper 1st." I did, and it was, like, "The Kool Aid in Bar Form." I was like, "I can't believe I also ate the Kool Aid!" And Mrs. Johnston showed up and sed, "U've got filmstrips 2 watch." The filmstrips were all about the history of Pattersons converting "bad ppl" 2 good. Then I had 2 read this super-thick file on Jeremy Jones. After that, I needed 2 relax a bit, so I went off 2 the guest quarters and started listening 2 the Bobby Curtola records Mrs. Johnston had set up in my room.

That's when Jeremy, Howard, Mike, and Becky showed up, and they posted abt what happed when they did. And as we were leaving, Howard was all whispering, "Quick, B4 Mike sees--I have the antidote 2 all that Patterson Kool Aid in yr system." And he jabbed me w/a needle. He whispered, "U have Steph 2 thank. She sed she doesn't want 2 C U turn in2 '1 of them.'" Then U pretty much know the rest.

Apes

The Scheme

Mike posted the next bit of what happed when he an' Dee went w/Mom an' Dad 2 C the Stibbs choo-choo house:

April,

Formerly little sis. There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to arrange an elaborate scheme in order to convince his wife to do something. Our dear father has been lusting over George Stibbs’ home and property for the better part of the last 19 months, and after our mother refused to let him buy it, he began this elaborate scheme of pretending it would be a good home for Deanna and me and the kids. And I suppose from mom’s perspective, this might make sense. After all, Deanna and I spent the last 5 years living in a 2-bedroom apartment, so a 2-bedroom house would be an improvement. However, with Deanna’s desire for a place with at least 4 bedrooms, George’s place would never have been satisfactory for us.

As we were looking through George Stibbs’ house during our visit, George magically reappeared from he had disappeared, with his sleeves rolled down since the last time we saw him. Deanna pulled me into a silhouette and said, “Mike, we should step over here and let George work.” I said, “George work what?” Deanna said, “The routine he is going to play on mom.” I said, “What routine?” Deanna said, “To convince mom to buy his house.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding!”

But she wasn’t kidding. George looked at my dad and mom and said, “That’s not a bad idea, John! You and Elly would fit in here like fingers in a glove! You talked about setting your trains out back there on the property—I’d say the potential here is for you two…not the kids!” Deanna said, “Wow, George is one awful actor.” I said, “Because of the way he can instantly gain weight by just moving his right arm? I thought that was a pretty good trick.” Deanna said, “No. He has completely overplayed it. Elly has her hand on her hip and she’s not looking at George. She’s glaring at your dad.” I said, “How do you know about this?” Deanna said, “Your father and I commute to work every day he goes to work, and we have been discussing our financial future for the last month. He knows how good I am at scheming, and so he enlisted my help for our mutual benefit.” I said, “Then you know what George is going to do next?” Deanna said, “If it’s like what he just did, he is going to completely overdo it.”

Then George put his hand on dad’s shoulder and looked him earnestly in the eye and said with trembling lips, “Sell them YOUR place!!” Deanna groaned. She said, “George is as subtle as your mom’s cooking. He looks like he is professing his love to your dad, not offering to sell him his house. I hope your dad can recover.” And recover is exactly what dad tried to do.

He looked at mom as smooth as could be, without even taking his hand out of his pocket and said, “George’s suggestion has merit, Elly.---Why don’t we think about it?” Deanna moaned. “Geez, Mike. You’re dad’s almost as bad an actor as George. Your mom’s not going to be fooled by that line. ‘Has merit’. Who says that?”

Sure enough, mom’s response was “You mean, ‘Why don’t I think about it?’” Then George had a suddenly disoriented, discombobulated, look. I thought he might have been surprised by mom figuring out dad’s scheme so easily; or he might have been concerned that mom, while doing our patented Patterson splay of hand to the breast gesture, had broken her wrist. Later on, George confessed to me that he briefly couldn’t tell the difference between mom and dad, which is a common problem, but shocking if you’re not accustomed to it.

Mom’s evil eye on dad soon faded and she started to look around the house as she said, “It looks like you’ve already made up your mind!” George winked at dad either indicating he thought the scheme had worked on mom, or it was some kind of pick-up signal. I don’t know which one. Dad looked a little miffed at George, no doubt from his poor acting performance, or because he was trying to pick up dad right in front of mom. It’s hard to say with the gestures of the very old, what they truly mean. All you can know for sure is that if a husband wants something from his wife, he has to enlist the help of his daughter-in-law and use an elaborate scheme.

And yes, formerly little sis, I will have more for you tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Interesting that no1 mentioned ME having 2 live w/Mom and Dad. I wonder if that meanz they intend 2 haul me off 2 the farm. Or the Catholic military reform school in Ottawa.

Oh, and OMG! Dr. Artemis, that Patterson childhood sweetheart/potetial spouse consultant? She's here now and she's taking me up 2 Corbeil, 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living! She won't tell me what's gonna happ up there, only that I'm gonna B away until sumtyme Saturday evening. And she sez I prolly won't B able 2 get online the whole time I'm there, so no upd8's from me here until I get back on Sat.

I'm a bit scared, ppl, so pls think gd thots 4 me! Pls check the comments 2 this post 4 upd8's from Mike and others. I'll do a catching-up post when I'm back.

Apes

P.S. RIP Kurt Vonnegut. :(

Trading Spaces?

Mike posted this bit in the wee hrs this morning. Seems he, Mom, Mike, an' Dee went 2 look @ the Stibbs Teeny-Tiny Train House:

April,

Formerly little sis. The day finally arrived in which mom would get to see what George Stibbs’ house looks like. As you know Deanna and I had pretty much decided before we went that the house was too small for my family, so the trip ostensibly was to satisfy mom’s curiosity. Dad had written in his monthly letter from February that the house had marble countertops, oak trim done everywhere, with some tile floors; so I was curious to see if there actually were those things in the house, or if dad, as he does so often in his monthly letters, was simply making things up. I am glad to say I did see some oak trim where the wall met the ceiling.

As mom entered the house, she does as she normally does when she enters someone’s house---she tells the owner what a lovely house they have. Some people might shake hands with the owner or ask to be invited in, but that is not the way mom does it. I remember once, Mira Sobinski, told me it was polite to greet people as you entered their house. She obviously didn’t know what she was talking about.

George responded to mom’s statement with “Uh-huh…We designed it for our retirement.” I know how that is. Deanna and I have often said that we would not get nice furniture until our children were full grown, and the time spent in our room with the new furniture there is certainly a good example of that. In any case, I understood George perfectly. Save the nice house for your retirement.

Dad got confused though, and he was whispering to me. He said, “Please forgive George. This is a wartime house, built shortly after World War II for wartime veterans coming home. George may be old but he’s not old enough to have designed the house for his retirement. What he really means is that he redecorated the interiour for his retirement.”

Then George started wandering off talking about something or other having to do with how there used to not be many houses here 10 years ago before his wife died. I sort of tuned him out and he sort of tuned us out, too, and walked away. Then Dad whispered, “Lois died last year, so George has only been here for the last 11 years. I think he has forgotten we live just down the road from him. The neighbouhood wasn’t that barren 11 years ago. You were only 19 then, Mike. Then dad launched into a story about how things were 11 years ago. Deanna rolled her eyes at dad so hard, I thought they were headed off her head.

I suddenly realized I had forgotten to zip up, so I went over to the window in silhouette to disguise my actions. Mom came over to help, and then said to me in a voice plain enough for everyone to hear, “Your dad has always loved this corner lot. What do you think, Michael?” I replied in a loud enough voice for everyone to hear, “It’s pretty nice, alright. But there are only two bedrooms.” Then mom said per her cue, “Yes, the house IS small.” Dad had been muttering about how he liked the place because it was on 3 lots, and not because it was a corner lot, but interrupted himself saying, “But….you could add on!!” I whispered to mom, “Does dad know we’re not buying this place?” Mom said, “Apparently not. Why doesn’t he listen when I tell him things?”

So, I decided to squelch dad right then and there. I was feeling about 10 cm taller than he was, and I said, “Dad! For what this house and property are worth…Deanna and I could buy YOUR place!!” I have to admit that was putting it on the table for me. I threatened him where he lives. I touched his chest and even gestured to dad down below as if I were getting ready to touch him personally, an action which usually gets his attention. Mira Sobinski says when I do that with Wilf Sobinski, it makes me look like some kind of pervert. Shows how much she knows. I had dad’s complete attention and he gave one of those looks he does, where he has no mouth, or eyes, or nostrils. It’s difficult to read his emotions when he is like that, but I knew it was a positive response.

That’s it for right now, formerly little sis. I’ll save the rest for tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson

LOLfulness. Stay tuned 2 C if they reached the conclusion that it wd B a gd idea 4 Mom & Dad 2 take the lil house an' let Mike an' Dee an' the littles have the big Pattermanse.

Oh, and Anthony, Liz has a major hangover and dried vom in her hair this morning. And Dad doesn't look so gr8 either. MayB when U guyz go out drinking 2gether, U shd make sure it's not a school/work nite. I M pretty sure Liz is gonna call in "sick." Dunno abt Dad, tho.

Apes

Widower Humour?

So, I started 2 tell U, in yesterday morning's entry, abt a recent visit my dad had w/George Stibbs, the guy who owns the lil house my dad has been totally lusting over 4 the longest, longest, LONGEST [boring] time. Cuz it has a big yard. Where a choo-choo guy like Dad wd B able 2 stick a huge model-train layout.

NEway, I've heard that when they were in the house having coffee, Mr. Stibbs was all, "I've had an appraisal dun on this place, John.... Looks like it's worth quite a sum--w/the property and all." He showed Dad sum papers 2 demonstr8 what he meant and asked, "Do U think U'd B interested?" Erm, has he not been paying attention to all the stalking? But insteada saying that, Dad was like, "Umm... When can we come and look it over?" Mr. S was like, "NEtime, now. I've cleaned 'er up sum. She's in pretty gd shape. I h8 2 sell, but I can't live here alone. Nope. Can't do it. My boys tell me 2 re-marry... But when Lois died, I decided that from then on.... I'd go it alone." It seems Dad was all, "I think... If Elly died... I'd do the same thing." Mr. S: "Yep. ...Once is enuf." Dad felt himself having a gobsmacked look in response 2 that. MayB he was also thinking of that terrible comment from Mike abt buying a house being "worse" than getting married.

Oh, and what is the deal w/ppl referring 2 places an' things as "her" and "she"? I know I remember Gordo doing that w/his garage (when it was still just a garage an' not yet the mega-emporium it is now). What's wrong with using "it"? These places and things do not have a gender (@ least not in English). Sheesh!

Apes

Here comes a boring transition

It seemz that on a recent doggie walk, Dad ran in2 Mr. Stibbs, owner of the "teeny-tiny train house" Dad has been lusting over in our neighbourhood 4evs cuz he likes 2 fantasize abt having a huge choo-choo layout on the gigantic lawn the house has. Of course "ran in2" makes it sound way more random than it was, cuz Dad ALWAYS walks by that house when he walks the doggies. That's the only reason he ever even walks the dogs, despite what he told Mr. Stibbs (I'll get 2 that in a sec, don't worry).

So, like, Dad saw Mr. S was out raking leaves, and Dad was all, "Hey there, George!" And Mr. Stibbs went, "Hi. John! ...Taking the day off?" And Dad sed, "Yes, all the better 2 stalk U, mua-ha-ha!" Just kidding, tho that wda been true. Instead, it seemz Dad was like, "Yeah. I decided 2 do the spring clean-up, fix the back door, rake the yard. U know... All the things a guy h8's doing." And I've heard that Mr. Stibbs was all, "So... U're walking the dogs." And insteada admitting what his only reason 4 ever walking the canines is, Dad was like, "Yeah. NE xxcuse 2 put off work is fine w/me." And Mr. S sed, "I just put a pot of coffee on." And Dad, walking toward the TTH, was totally "Fine with me!"

Sorry so boring. Transitions, eh?

Apes

TRAIN anxiety

The other day, I was on my way 2 the garage 2 get sum pet supplies, and I noticed Dad's voice coming from his choo-choo workshop. He'd left his door a bit open, which he doesn't normally do unless he's distracted abt sumthing.

I heard him saying, "So, I told Deanna that George Stibbs was going to be ready 2 show the house in a week. She was dressing Robin while Merrie played with dolls. Deanna responded with 'A week?' As she put socks on the boy's feet, I told her, "1st he has 2 get all his paper work in order, talk 2 his lawyer and so on. He's been living alone 4 sum time. I suspect there's sum tidying up 2 do. ::tsk:: that wd B a pretty nice property 2 have alright!' And Deanna actually sed, 'Yes! I think we cd do quite well if we just severed the property!' I thot, "Sever the property!? Where wd I put my TRAINS?!!"

Then he paused, and he sed, "Now, now, don't cry!" I kinda peeked in 2 C what that was abt, and I saw he was holding one of his lil train ppl. He cdn't C me, and he went on, all, "Don't worry little Choo-Choo John, I'll fix everything, U'll C! U and Choo-Choo Elly, Choo-Choo April, and the Choo-Choo pets will all have a grand new outdoor train layout, U mark my words! Choo-choo Mike, Choo-Choo Deanna, the choo-choo grandkids, and Choo-Choo Liz R going back in2 the storage box 4 a while!"

Then I kinda 4got abt what I was gonna get from the garage and I went back 2 the rec room. This was all pretty disturbing.

Howard, I'm glad Paul is looking after U and that Susan was able 2 take Becky in. I hope U'll both have good news 2 tell abt.

Dunc, OMG!

Apes