April's Real Blog

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Time standing still?

Mom told me that after all our guests left Xmas nite, she got in a real funny mood & told Dad, "Another Christmas gone gone by. Another New Year 2 Welcome. Our kidz R adults, our grandchildren R growing up so fast...I want time 2 stand still 4 a while." I was like, U mean U want a day of me worrying abt my skin 2 go on & on 4 like a month? Or an afternoon of U vacuuming 2 B like an entire week? & she was all, "Don't B such a Martian, April! I'm B-ing sentimental." So, I'm like, "OK, go on." & she was all, "Don't give me an attitude, yung laydee!" & I sed,"I'm not! I wanna hear the rest of yr story!" & she was like, "I don't like yr TONE!" & I'm all, "Mom, really, I'm not trying 2 have a tone!" & she stared @ me 4 a sec & then sed, "Well, OK. So then, I asked yr dad if he remembered when we were yung & seemed 2 have all the time in the world. & I asked him how we can bring back that feeling. & he snuggled up 2 me & sed 'Like this'." She paused & looked a bit teary. "I don't know if it was the xcess drink he had Xmas nite or what, but it was such a sweet moment, April!" & I sed, "Yeah." I didn't wanna say 2 much, cuz l8ly she thinx I have a "tone" no matter what I say or how. & I sed, "Did U know Mike's all threatening 2 write an article abt Lizzie's luv life?" & she sed, "Oooh, I can't w8 2 read that!" & Liz was walking in just then & she sed, "No, Mom, the proper response is 'Mike is a jerk who shd respect my privacy insteada xploiting my personal life.'" & Mom was all, "Well, if U put it that way. . . ."

So, like, karaoke last nite was sooooooooooo much fun! Ger & I were both really glad Becky, Dunc, Eva, Vicki, Jeremy, Alex, & Kimmi cd all make it. U guyz rock! Sorry abt yr being kicked out like that Alex!

Dunc, I'm totally on 4 New Yr's Eve 2nite @ the Malkmuses. Thanx 4 the invite.


Friday, December 30, 2005

To review: Liz chose the policeman. Not the pilot.

So, I admit it. While Liz was telling Mike an' Dee all this stuff on Christmas day, I was listening in. I was, like, pretending to tidy up rite outside of the kitchen. NEway, Liz was all, "Warren & I promised 2 keep in touch....But I doubt that we will." She also mentioned that Warren had sumhow gotten a whole lot shorter. Like, he'd been about a head taller than Liz when they went up in the heli, but suddenly after their ride, he was, like, barely taller than Liz. Weird. Dee was all Readers Digest summary: "U've chosen the policeman over the pilot. How romantic!" Liz:" I don't know if it's romance yet, but it's nice." Liz? Y U holding back like that? So, then, of course Mike was all, "This soundz like a good story. I should write about it!" Like everything that happens around him has 2 get written abt. Arse. Liz sed, "U do--and U're dead meat!" Then, Mom & Dad had 2 show up @ the doorway all buttinsky, so I cdn't hear Mike & Liz over their blah-blahs. Mom: "It's Christmas, we're all 2gether 4 the 1st time in ages...&, the kids R having an argument!" Dad thot he was cute by saying, "Don't U just luv tradition?" Whatevs, Dad. How 'bout we disabuse (vocab word!) Mike of the idea that we're all fodder (more vocab!) 4 his st00pid columns & so-called articles. Geez.

Paul, I saw yr post fr. last nite. That musta been sooooooo awkward w/yr fam. Liz sez she feels awful abt it & she planz 2 make it up 2 U. & she sez not 2 worry abt the "I don't know if it's romance yet" thing--that this was just sumthing she sed hoping it wd make Mike not thing this soundz like a good story. 'Course it didn't work.

Becks, that thing w/Candace @ the bakery soundz way gross. Liz is, like, in shock about Candace & yr Aunt Arlene. She's all, "I nevr suspected a thing!" LOL, she's prolly the only 1!

Hey, who's up 4 karaoke? NE1 who's in2 it, meet me & Ger @ Singalong Sam's, the new karaoke place across from Horny Tim's! We'll B there @ 5.


Thursday, December 29, 2005

Is it about what Paul has or what Warren lacks?

So, according 2 Liz, Warren (who's gone fr "rich dessert on the table" 2 "rotten leftovers in the garbage") started, like, questioning her in the heli: "So, what U're telling me is, there's some1 else in yr life." Then, instead of being all, "Yeah, that's rite. Paul is gr8!" she was, like, "U're alwayz so far away, Warren. U must d8 other women." & Newly ugly Warren was all, "Yes, I've d8ed other women. But I alwayz think abt U!" OK, Warren, that's totally the same as being in a committed, monogamous relationship w/some1. Then, he sed, "&, I write!" And Liz went, "But we never C ea other!" Warren: "How can I make U believe that I really care abt U?" Liz: "C-ing is believing!" Liz! WTF were U doing! U were all making it sound like there's hope 4 him, if only U cd C him on a reg basis. Y didn't U just say, "Warren, it's 2 l8! Paul is the winner of the 'get with this' sweepstakes!" Geez!


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Decision: Paul Wins!

Over coffee, Liz told Mike an' Dee abt her return trip:
I was going 2 take the bus home, but Paul offered 2 drive me 2 White River. Then, Warren called & wanted 2 fly me from there 2 Toronto. Paul wanted me 2 meet his family B4 I left 4 Toronto...But Warren was there, w8ing 4 me. Introducing the 2 guyz was awkward. When they shook hands, it was so formal. As if they were rivalz.
So, then Dee was all, "Well Rn't they?" & Lizzie was, like, "No. Paul has already won." Which, I guess, is all v. awwwwww sweet & everything, but Y cdn't Liz have been so clear w/these guyz in the 1st place? This wd've helped avoid the awkward, eh? Or, Liz, did U only just decide this during the ride, w/Paul saying he was falling in luv w/U? Like until then, it cda been either guy, & U'd been ready 2 let 'em duke it out? Geez. But! Lemme tell ya. I am soooooo glad Anthony hasn't "won". Sorry, Anth, if U R reading this. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry, after the way U played sicko mindgames w/my sis after yr fake rescue. U really R an arse!

Alex, I can hardly w8 4 our shopping! I have so much more fun shopping w/out my Mom. Big surprise, I know!


P.S. Becks, wd U believe Jeffo has started leaving me voicemailz asking me 2 get U 2 reconsider? El freako!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Dee FINALLY said it!!!

So, picture this: Dee washing dishes, Liz drying. Dee being all, "So, U came home by helicopter.--How cool is that!" & Liz being like, "Very." Dee:" Tell me abt yr pilot, Liz.--Does he still drop in?" Liz: "He's very nice, Deanna, & he likes me a lot. But, he works all over the country. How can U have a relationship w/sum1 who's never there?" Dee: "Good question." Now, what's that thing U'd totally want Dee 2 say next? But U've given up hope on her actually saying? Well, she actually did! "Try being married 2 a writer!" Now, picture Michael standing behind Dee & Liz w/a st00pid look on his face. Like, "D'oh! Who, innocent, brilliant-writer meeeeee?" LOL!!!!!

Liz sez that when Dee asked her question abt Liz arriving by helicopter, Dee's head looked really, really weird. Like misshapen, w/the top & back of her head like, stretched up, and her face, like condensed! But it only, like, lasted for a second.

In other news, Liz, lose the bun! It's true, Mom can still make me wear he uggo ponytail, but Liz! U can let yr hair down!

Ger & I R meeting @ the skating rink @ 3, then we're gonna catch a movie @ the mall. Ger, I have on the gorgeous cashmere sweater Becks gave me. W/the Wonderbra U gave me! I think U'll like the results!

Apes out

Monday, December 26, 2005

Me, 2, Merrie!

Not much 2 say 2day, 'cept I didn't get a chance 2 post much since we had a full house of Xmas visitorz yesterday, after Mom & Dad put the cards back up on the mantel. I was wearing a sweater, skirt, and no shoes. My hair was unstylishly swept back in an uggo pony again. Mom's idea. And 4 sum reason, I'm the only 1 not afraid of dealing w/our ginormous flat-screen TV. So, like, I was in charge of keeping the cartoon vids going 4 the littles. And speaking of littles, when Mike, Dee, & the kidz were about 2 get ready 2 go, Merrie was crying. & Mike was all, "We've had a wonderful Christmas day, Meredith. Y R U crying?" & Merrie was, like, "It's over!!!" Mom & Mike looked totally stunned 4 sum reason. Not me. I totally get where she was coming from. It's over, & it feelz like we sumhow skipped over the whole thing!

NEway, Alex & Eva R coming by around noon. We're gonna eat choccy & watch DVDs. Dunc's like, "No chick flix!" But I think he mite B outnumbered. NE1 who's around & wants 2 join us can.


Sunday, December 25, 2005

::yawn:: Xmas cards

Yeah, so Mom and Dad got Xmas cards. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz. Oh, w8, where was I? Mom got this schmoopy look on her face this morning & took all the cards down fr. the mantel 2 read them all, even tho she already had read 'em when they 1st arrived. There was a letter that made her LOL, & another that made her cry. The 1 that made her cry sed "and we'll always remember her with love and affection." It was fr. some1 named Bernard. Dad got a schmoopy look on his face, 2, & sat down w/Mom 2 look @ the cards & letters w/her. Mom was all, "Christmas...it's the one time U realize how many ppl U know!" & then her thot bubble was all, "...& how much they mean 2 U!"

Well, 1 good thing abt the hols is that Mom sed, "April, since it's Xmas, I guess I can get in2 the spirit & 4give U yr indescretions. But consider yrself on probation, yung ladee!"

Well, happy hols 2 all my peeps! Thanx 4 being U all yr long! Becks, I don't know who yr Auntie Arlene's new "friend" cd B. Can I get a hint? Wd I know her thru Liz? Mike? My 'rents? Guitar class? Bridge of the Starship Enterprise?


Saturday, December 24, 2005

What's next, a duel?

Lizzie & Paul were driving along, & Liz spotted Warren's helicopter. She was all, "Oh, my gosh. There he is!" And Paul was like, "U lead an amazing life Elizabeth. I can't compete with a helicopter pilot, can I." Liz sez he didn't say it like a question. It was like a statement. But Liz was like, "There's no competition, Paul. Warren & I haven't seen each other 4 ovr a year." So, next thing, Paul & Liz were all standing by his car embracing while Paul sed, "Well...have a good holiday, sweet girl. I hope, when U come back, we'll still B...." & Liz was like, "Yes, we'll still B...." Then while she & Paul hugged with their eyez closed, she had this weird feeling that Warren was standing there, in his gogglez, thinking, "Is that who I think it is?...With another guy?!! ....Well, I'll B." Erm, U'll B what, Warren? A guy who xpected Lizzie 2 w8 4 U all unattached in case U decided 2 fly back in2 her life? But also, Liz? When U made yr arrangements w/Warren? & told him U wanted 2 B picked up in White River insteada Mtigblahblah? Y didn't U xplain that the guy driving U 2 WR is, like, a guy U've been d8ing. & hiking w/whenevs U get the chance? Oh, well, I'm prolly 2 yung 2 understand, eh?

Dunc & I R scoping the prezziez under the tree & guess what? Dunc's got more prezziez there than I do! Sum of them have labels where "April" is, like, crossed out & "Dunc" written in. I guess Ma's still sore @ me. But she gave Dad his "completion certificate" 4 the Elly 12-step programme 4 his drinking, so I guess that's progress.


Friday, December 23, 2005

Did Some1 Give Paul the "Patterson Wordplay" Booklet?

Liz told me the next bit abt her ride w/Paul. Well, actually their lil break fr. the ride, where they pulled ovr. Fortunately, no1 pulled up in a squad car & forced 'em 2 spend a nite @ a police station, LOL. So, after they made out by the side of the road (fill in yr own joke), Paul was all, "I'm falling in luv w/U, Elizabeth." Hm, Elizabeth. How formal. NEway, Liz replied w/"And I've never known NE1 like U B4!" Which, I dunno, seemz kinda like not really matching what he'd just finished telling her, but what do I know? Then, she sed, "Paul, I have 2 tell U sumthing. When we get 2 White River, I won't B taking the bus 2 Toronto. I can't meet your family. Some1 is picking me up." Paul was, like, "U've got a ride?" & Lizzie went, "Yes...in a helicopter. His name is Warren. We met @ school. He's been flying 4 a company out west." Then Paul showed how well he cd fit in w/the Pattersons: "I C. So, when U say U're being 'picked up'....U mean--literally!!!" Liz told me she raised her eyebrowz & rolled her eyez when he sed that. "I hope he doesn't turn in2 Dad on me, Apes!"

So, like, the Mary Worth party last nite. It was going so well! It started w/Mrs. Worth's big speech about the Christmas spirit and how people should resist the "throwaway" culture if they have trub w/their marriagez & other relationships, lalalalala, & when she was dun, our 1st set started. Becks played the piano & sang while I accompanied on harp, & we did the usual holly standbys: "White Xmas", "I'll Be Home 4 Xmas", "Deck the Hallz", U get the idea. Mrs. Worth seemed 2 B having a faboo time mingling w/all her guests & sharing her fave sayingz w/them. Josh an' Jane Hand were bein' all lovey dovey & talking abt getting undivorced, & Mrs. Worth was practically having an "O" over the idea.
Well, after the music was all dun, it was clear that many of the guests had 2 much 2 drink, & I don't know who started all the "I'll bet Mary can't balance herself on top of that harp" stuff. And I think Jeremy was trying 2 B nice when he shouted, "Of course Mrs. Worth can balance on top of that harp. Mrs. Worth can do NEthing she wants!" & I think Dunc was trying 2 B nice when he got the crowd chanting "Mar-ee! Mar-ee! Mar-ee!" Next thing, Mrs. Worth was, like pushing me & Becks aside so she could stand up on the piano bench, climb up on2 the piano, and then step over 2 the harp. Becks & I were both tryin' 2 talk her out of this, like, "U don't have 2 do this" & "We'll make an xcuse 4 U so yr friendz won't think U're chicken. Like, the harp's 2 fragile."

But no, Mrs. Worth just had 2 go ahead & B a daredevil. & 4 like 1 second, she was doin' it, balancing on her tiptoez atop that harp. & the crowd was cheering & she so got off on it that she was like, "Watch me leap!" So she lept, and fell, & she landed v. v. badly. Like Becks sed, Mrs. Worth broke both her legs. No visitorz, like Becks sed, but U can totally send flowers:

Mary Worth
Room 410N
Milboro Memorial Hospital

Send yr gd wishes, peeps!

Becks is tryin' 2 get all her teachers 2 say she really was here yesterday. I think they'll B hard 2 convince. Dunc's kinda slinkin' along, but glad not 2 B home. Ger's here. He sed, "I can't believe Dad wdn't rite me a note!" I just saw Jeremy carrying a huge box of coffee candy. & Alex was having sum kinda debate w/Eva abt hair accessoriez.

Apes out

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Paul has a hovermobile, too!

Liz tellz me that Paul's car hoverz ovr the road just like a Patterson car! Amazing, eh? Well, if U read last nite's comments, U'll C Paul wrote a sweet lil message about what happed after Liz was thinkin' "hummina hummina", as I reported 2 U yesterday. I've also heard sum deets fr. Liz:
So, Paul goes, "You're blushing. Did I say something stupid?" And I told him "No." So, he went on, "Look, I know we haven't been seeing each other long, but--I'm just going to come right out and...say it. Elizabeth...I'm...crazy about you." Suddenly, all I wanted to do was kiss him! I pictured myself grabbing the fur collar from his matching jacket (our jackets match!) and kissing him. But then, I pictured a horrific accident! So, I said, "Then, pull over." Paul asked, "What? Why?!" And I replied, "Because it's hard to kiss while you're driving."
Altogether now: Awwwwwww!

So, I'm already regretting turning Mom back in2 her usual Mom self. Did I do the wrong thing, peeps? I luvved Elly v.2. Every1 did! But every man who saw her luvved her soooooo much, her Patterson allure was getting dangerous. Please tell me I did the rite thing. Cuz having a red potato-nose face yellin' @ me non-stop has me feeling v. v. sorry I did. . . . what I did. Yo, I just can't say it. I mean, I didn't actually do NEthing. @ least, I didn't go thru w/NEthing, but I had 2 make thingz look realistic. I had 2 make my Mom think I was on the edge of going roadside. All I'll say is that in her yelling, Mom sed, "And besidez, U don't want ugly callouses on yr knees!"

Well, Becks, @ least U did a faboo job w/yr singing. Every1 was talkin' abt how smart Dr. Duncan was 2 hire U. Of course, whenev sum1 sed "Dr. Duncan", Dunc was all, "No, really, call me 'McDunC'", LOL! Jeremy, Alex, I M so glad U 2 finally got the better of Bobby last nite. I had no idea he had such a nasty side 2 him, yo. I guess thinking he had a real d8 w/a pretty girl made him go loco, eh?


P.S. Becks, there was a message from Mary Worth on our machine. She sed she viewed the tape U gave her, the 1 w/me playing the harp, & she's decided my harp playing is "quite luvly", even if I don't appreciate the appeal of horsemeat, and she'd B most pleased 2 have me accompany U @ that party. Pretty l8-notice of her, but cube that I get 2 go!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


My, oh my! I got a txt fr. Liz. Here's what it sed:

Apes. Car ride w/Paul 2 White River.

Me: Thanx for coming all this way, Paul.

Paul: Hey, for you I'd go anywhere! When we get to White River, you'll have to wait at least 2 hours for the bus--so, I'd like you to meet my family! They know all about you, Elizabeth! Ever since you set up the telescope and we watched the stars--I've been saying, "There's a girl in my life!" The planets may go 'round the sun--but my world revolves around you!

Me: ::eyes bulging:: (thinking, hummina, hummina, hummina)

So, like, how opposite can Liz an' Paul B w/their fams, eh? 2 us, Lizzie's been all, "There's not much 2 tell. Wait and see." To his fam, Paul's been all, "There's a girl in my life!" He's got his heart, like totally on his sleeve. Lizzie, pls don't smash that sweet ol' heart.

Ger's been v. sweet abt sharing his "wooing tips" w/Paul. But I'd take the whole "tell her how 2 act" thing w/a grain o' salt, Paul. That's been a lil sticking pt that Ger & I R working on. But last nite, @ Lola's Dessert House? We were soooooo 2gether, sorta like @ gr*d. & I can't believe how cube my mom has been since her v. special Howard shampooing @ Sugar's salon. I'm just sorta holding my breath 2 C how long it lasts. Dunc, I'm so glad my 'rents helped U out. Hope U get lotsa $ 4 that XBox U R selling.

Becks! Gd thing Howard swooped in when he did 2 undo yr mom's big religious conversion. Soundz like that was getting scaree.

Alex, I saw Jeremy lookin' 4 U in the halls. He was carrying a giant, steaming mug of coffee. It smelled like a fresh brew! Eva, is that a new hairclip I saw U wearing? It's v. v. cute!

Ger, C U in the usual place @ the usual time?


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Fly Boy!

So the "long distance" call 4 Liz? Warren! The helicopter guy. Calling from Vancouver, but planning 2 fly 2 Geraldton (heh, heh!) and then Toronto. He offered 2 pick up Lizzie in Mtighooha, but she told him "sum1" was giving her a ride to White River. Then she's all asking Vivian, "Warren wants 2 fly me from White River 2 Toronto--What shd I tell Paul?" & she did this while covering the phone receiver w/her hand. Does she really think this keeps the person on the phone fr. hearing her. Imagine Warren being all, "Who's Paul?", eh? & Viv's brilly response? "Tell him U have friends in hi places." What, is she an honorary Patterson?

Paul, I saw the message U posted last nite. I really don't know what Liz is thinking l8ly abt her luv life cuz she mostly doesn't wanna talk abt it 2 NE1. But I totally hope she chooses U! I was hoping U wd visit us over Xmas.

Howard, Marjee! It soundz like U had s00per fun last nite.

Becks, I M soooooo sorry U had 2 hear my 'rents like that. ::shudder:: I had a gd time staying ovr @ Ger's, tho it was weird cuz his dad kept wanting 2 leave us alone in his rm, & that wd B cube, but then, like 5 mins in2 making out, Ger's mom wd B pounding on the door & then making us come downstairz 4 an etiquette or nutrition lesson. & man, it's a gd thing Ger has started stashing food in his rm, else I'd B starving 2day! Also, Ger made me watch a video called "Your Breast Health and You." Then he totally wanted us 2 work on the xam techniques. & Dr. F was all, "Gr8 idea!" & Mrs. F was all, "Over my dead body!" & Dr. F was like, "U're so skeletal, yr body lks dead already!" The Forsythe guest suite is really fancy. I highly recommend it, if U bring yr own food.

Alex, U shd talk 2 Liz. It soundz like U mite B having similar thots abt yr relationships. LOL on what yr Dad musta been thinkin' abt equipment. Is he a Seinfeld fan?

Dunc, Y did U sleep in my bed last nite? ::confused::


Monday, December 19, 2005

We don't get 2 meet Constable Paul yet! :(

I was so bummed when I found out Lizzie's not bringing home her "friend", Constable Paul "Morsel" Wright, but she's gonna meet his 'rents B4 she takes the bus back 2 Mboro. Liz sez Viv was being way nosy, like, when Liz referred 2 Paul as her "friend", Viv was all, "Your 'friend', Paul? I think U & Constable Wright R more than just friends." Liz told me she was like, "It's nothing serious, Vivian", while thinking, "U nosy ol' meddling busybody!" Then Liz told Viv, "I've had enuf long distance relationships 2know that they just complicate my life". And then the phone rang, Gary got it, then told her "It's 4 U, Liz....long distance!" But U know, who even sez that about a phone call NEmore? "It's long distance!" That's like a throwback 2 the dayz when long distance was a big deal cuz it was s00per xpensive. Now, peeps talk "long distance" all day long & no1 makes a dealio of it. It's retro, just like "beeswax". "Oh, Olive has a call. Long distance!" "Who was it, Olive?" "None of your beeswax, Eunice!" "Well, I shall call on Archibald now, because U R no fun NEmore, Olive!"

So I M really lookin' forward 2 C-ing Lizzie over the Xmas break! ::waving 2 Liz::

Dunc is wearing 1 of Ger's uni's 2day cuz Dunc's R all @ the cleanerz & Dunc was totally supposta B in Barbados now. & Ger's uni is a lil ripe.

Well, that's it 4 now. . . .


Sunday, December 18, 2005

Gramps = Grumpy Old Man

Yo, Dunc is here now. He totally wanted 2 get outta the house, & he was totally throwin' pebbles @ my window @, like, 6 AM! So I let him use my fire ladder climb in2 my window. Then he used my sleeping bag 2 sleep on my floor a coupla more hourz. After I post this, we're gonna do sum snowboarding & then go 2 Horny Tim's. Cya there, NE1 who wants 2 join us. We'll prolly be there around noon.

Well, Iris called Mom yesterday afternoon. Gramps was bein' a big old grump abt being all cooped up so Ma went ovr there so they cd get out. Ma sed she'd take them 2 dinner & then drive around & lk @ Xmas lites, & Gramps was all "C?" 2 Iris, like he predicted that this was what Ma wanted 2 do. So Ma was all suggesting other ideas, thinking Gramps was tired of the boring, predictable, blahblahblah, but it turned out he wanted 2 do it. He was just, like, gloating abt his s00per-d00per predictor skillz. & bein' a grumpy old man, all "::Tsk:: Just when U start looking 4ward 2 sumthing...they try & change the routine!" & Iris all shrugging @ Mom. So, like, they had the "early bird special" @ the Mayes's icky restaurant & went thru the neighbourhoods that have the flashiest lites on display. Ma wanted 2 get this all outta the way so's she & Dad cd B on time 4 Dr. Ted's party that I wasn't invited 2.

I guess it's just as well I wasn't invited, cuz @ least I didn't need 2 worry abt getting soot outta my clothes & offa my skin, like every1 who was there. Cuz of my mom an' dad knocking ovr that Xmas tree & causing a fire. Gd going, Mom & Dad. Howard, U R rite, they totally didn't wanna talk abt it. They were all, "None of yr beeswax, April Martian Patterson, teenangster extraordinaire!" & I'm like, "Beeswax" is totally retro. Becky taut me that. & they're like, "It's REBECCAH now." & I'm all, "That's her stage name. Offstage, she's still Becky." & they tried 2 argue w/me abt this, but then they went off on2 1 of their usual tangents abt how lonely & stressed out successful singers & musicians R. Whatevs.

Howard, I M happy 2 hear U had a gr8 d8 w/Dr. Morsel. & Becks, it soundz like yr gig was going well until my 'rents forqued it up. St00pid 'rents. & soundz like Jeremy & Alex still made the most of the sitch.

Gerald, like, thinx he's, like, an xpert on breast health now, BTW. He's been lecturing me on the proper "care and feeding" of them, LOL!

Apes out

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Ready 4 Xmas

BTW, once the house was clean, Dad & I decorated the tree. I M pretty sure we made a mess w/the decorations. ::yawn:: That's a boring topic. Yo, quit pokin' me, girlz!

I'm still @ Alex's house w/Alex, Eva, & Becks. Becks is still asleep, but Alex & Eva R watching me rite this & giving me suggestionz. Man, I nearly had a heart attack when I looked in the mirror this morning! I mean, U know how long I had those st00pid zits. & I was sooooooo happy when that Acnomor finally kicked in & my skin cleared up again! It's been clear for, like, a week, yo! But while I was sleeping, Becks took a black Sharpie & drew 'em back on, so she, Alex, & Eva cd play connect the dots. I looked like one of the constellations. I'll have 2 send the pic they made 4 Ger 2 Liz & ask her which 1. Hi, Liz! Miss ya, girl!

I'm letting my bra defrost rite now. I'm tellin' ya, U do NOT wanna B the first one 2 fall asleep when U R @ a slumber partee. Hm, Becks is still asleep, tho. Shd we play connect the frecks, or is that 2 derivative*? (*Vocab word, yo!)

Alex sez we prolly shdn't talk abt that "schnitzel" stuff Howard posted abt last nite. It soundz pretty heavy. Speaking of which, I'm glad we had this fun slumber party what w/all the serious stuff going on l8ly.

Dunc, I M so glad U liked my gift. & that's gr8 newz abt yr 'rents paying off yr lawyer's bill. I hope U have a s00per good time in Barbados. I loved the jammies U gave me. They were perfect 4 a slumber party!


Friday, December 16, 2005

Bad punz abt Mom's Arse

Yeah, so sum thingz never change. Only it usta take much less time for Pattersons 2 tell peeps abt them. Well, I am STILL not talkin' abt the thing that rhymes with "hack room". But when Dad asked Y Mom was in such a huff this time, I told him abt the canister bein' open & the dust gettin' spread around cuz of it. I was posting here when he asked me & totally not feeling like B-ing around Mom's rampage, but, so, what else is new, eh? Then I heard Mom yelling, "Look @ that! Everytime I turn around--there's sumthing ELSE 2 pick up!" Then she found a doggie bone, & while she was bending ovr 2 pick it up, she was all, "Housework! No matter how hard I try 2 stay ahead of it, I'm alwayz BEHIND!" & rite after she sed "behind", Dad pointed @ Ma's big, wide arse & whispered 2 me, "behind"! I just rolled my eyez @ him & kept on posting here. & no, Jeremy. This stuff I'm still not talkin' abt, it didn't happen 2day. It happened earlier this week, when the rest of the stuff I'm not talkin' abt happed.

Man, I 8 waaaayyyyyy 2 much choccy w/Becky & Howard last nite. Becks & I felt soooooo bad abt Howard losin' his job that we were doin' NEthing we could think of 2 make him laff, like telling funny storiez & singing silly songz. It was nice 2 act goofy 4 a while w/all the heavy stuff that's been going on l8ly.

Well, that's all 4 now. Sorry I'm l8. Ma was givin' Dad 1 of her 12-step lecturez this morning, so of course I cdn't w8 2 get outta there. & then on the bus, Eva wanted 2 talk abt how Alex's sis, Miranda, has such cute accessoriez, & Alex shd borrow them more often.

Apes out

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Mom calls herself "stewpid idiot"!

Still not talkin' abt the vacuuming. NOT. I son't say how I noticed a weird noise in the basement, leading Mom to discover that "the central vac canister was left open! All the dust has been going in2 the house!" And I won't mention how she yelled all this with her mouth open really wide, her eyez scrunched tite, her tongue stickin' out. Nope, not gonna. But I will point out she screamed "YOU STEWPID IDIOT!" (Note that non-standard spelling.) I'm pointing it out cuz of course I thot she was callin' me a "stewpid idiot", so I told her it "I didn't do it." & she got that glowerin'-eyez look & sed, "I know. I did." LOL! Mom called herself a stewpid idiot.

Becks doesn't want me getting in2 all those deets abt what went down last nite re. Ger's 'rents & the "vitamins" & Dr. Ted & Dr. Schlanger. Remember, we don't know NEthing abt Dr. Ted's whereabouts. Nuthin', uh-uh. & thanx, Becks & Howard. I think Ger will really thank U when everything sinx in. I guess I can't blame him 4 not wanting 2 believe all that, but Ger, don't B callin' Becks a liar! She's got yr back!

Also, Ger. The pinkyswear still standz. Sorry!


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What I'm NOT Talking About

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh. I'm not doing this. I am NOT talking about vacuuming 2day. I'm not getting in2 how Eddie was all barking @ the vac until Mom decided letting him outside wd make life EZ-er. And I'm NOT getting in2 how there was a big gust of wind when Mom opened the door. And I'm NOT gonna say that just when Eddie was going out the door, Dixie Ratdog came charging in & shake-shake-shaking her snowy doggie drops all ovr the place. Nope, not gonna do it.

And now for the stuff I will talk abt. Ger. We R all talkin' abt Ger 2day, we just can't help it after the way he went all "Incredible Hulk" last nite, flippin' out @ the hockey game & after. I can't believe he actually ripped the door off of Jeremy's house & attacked him. AGAIN. & Jeremy's mom & Alex had 2 use frying pans on his head 2 stop his rampage. And Becky's, like, our hero! She went all detective & went 2 Ger's house 2 find out what Ger's mom is giving him. Becks is s00per smart abt knowing just what 2 say 2 peeps 2 get them 2 cooperate w/her! Like tellin' Mrs. F she's like a nutrition guru. That was the perfect thing 2 say 2 her. NEway, she got Mrs. F 2 show her what she's been shooting up Ger w/, & get this, peeps. I M quoting fr. Becks's post: "a potent combo of human growth hormone, steroids, EPO, and echinacea"! Like, I was so upset last nite, I didn't even have time 2 pull apart what this all meanz. I mean, we've all heard of steroids, but what abt the others? Let's ask Google.

Okay here's a link on human growth hormone. Here's an interesting bit from the link:
Human growth hormone is commonly used to treat children of pathologically short stature. There is concern that this practice will be extended to treatment of essentially normal children - so called "enhancement therapy" or growth hormone on demand. Similarly, growth hormone has been used by some to enhance atheletic [sic] performance. Although growth hormone therapy is generally safe, it is not as safe as no therapy and does entail unpredictable health risks. Parents that request growth hormone therapy for children of essentially-normal stature are clearly misguided.
(I emphasized that last bit.) Misguided, peeps! OK, so EPO is short for erythropoietin. Here's some info from my EPO link:
EPO is a protein hormone produced by the kidney. After being released into the blood stream it binds with receptors in the bone marrow, where it stimulates the production of red blood cells (erythrocytes). Medically, EPO is used to treat certain forms of anemia (e.g., due to chronic kidney failure). Logically, since EPO accelerates erythrocyte production it also increases oxygen carrying capacity. This fact did not long escape notice of the athletic community.
And also,
Blood doping is the process of artificially increasing the amount of red blood cells in the body in an attempt to improve athletic performance. In the past this was accomplished by transfusion. The athlete would “donate” a unit of blood into storage and then 3 weeks later, after the body had completely replaced the blood loss, transfuse the unit back into the body. This would occur just before a big race, effectively giving the athlete an “extra” unit of blood. This enables performance improvements in endurance sports because of the extra oxygen carrying capacity. The practice has been outlawed. Not just because it is unfair but because of the dangers involved.
Then, more scaree stuff from the same link, cited fr. Ref(1) – Tainted Glory – Doping and Athletic Performance. Noakes, TD. NEJM. 351:9. Aug.26. 2004:
Why is EPO dangerous?
The reason that EPO, and transfusion blood doping, is dangerous is because of increased blood viscosity. Basically, whole blood consists of red blood cells and plasma (water, proteins, etc.). The percentage of whole blood that is occupied by the red blood cells is referred to as, the hematocrit. A low hematocrit means dilute (thin) blood, and a high hematocrit mean concentrated (thick) blood. Above a certain hematocrit level whole blood can sludge and clog capillaries. If this happens in the brain it results in a stroke. In the heart, a heart attack. Unfortunately, this has happened to several elite athletes who have used EPO.

EPO use is especially dangerous to athletes who exercise over prolonged periods. A well-conditioned endurance athlete is more dehydration resistant than a sedentary individual. The body accomplishes this by several methods, but one key component is to “hold on” to more water at rest. Circulating whole blood is one location in which this occurs and, thus, can function as a water reservoir. During demanding exercise, as fluid losses mount, water is shifted out of the blood stream (hematocrit rises). If one is already starting with an artificially elevated hematocrit then you can begin to see the problem -- it is a short trip to the critical “sludge zone”.

Additional dangers of EPO include sudden death during sleep, which has killed approximately 18 pro cyclists in the past fifteen years, and the development of antibodies directed against EPO. In this later circumstance the individual develops anemia as a result of the body’s reaction against repeated EPO injections.
Can U believe this?!?!?! OK, let's check out echinacea. Hm, it's an herb. Supposed 2 ward off colds and speed up healing. I guess 4 all the injuriez Ger gets fr. being all Incredible Hulk.

& it turnz out it was Dr. Ted who's been giving these drugz 2 Mrs. F & callin' them "vitaminz". & Becks thinx he mighta been doing all this cuz he seriously gamblez on Mboro local sports! Sick, eh? So after Dr. & Mrs. F got Ger back fr. Jeremy's house, Dr. Ted sedated him, & now he's cutting back Ger's doses. But look @ how dangerous this shizzit is, peeps! Dr. Ted is like a total crim, doncha think?

& another thing 4 us 2 worry abt. Alex's sis was posting l8 last nite cuz Alex nevr came home! Alex, R U OK? Pls write in!!!


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm STILL talking about VACUUMING?

Oh, man, I thot it was bad when I cdn't stop talkin' abt that 1 Monday, fr, like, almost a MONTH ago. But now, I'm abt 2 dwell on the vacuuming fr. this wkend. Like, remember I told U abt Mom vacking the stairs after Mike & co. left Sunday nite? Well, Ma was making such a huffy-puffy deal outta it that I offered 2 take ovr. And while I was cleaning thoze stairs, she took a look around & realized the rest of the carpeting was also lookin' schmutzy. So she got the central vac hooked up, which made Edgar whine. She was all, "I know. I hate this thing as much as U do." Which I guess is true, cuz after all that fuss, she did such a poor job that Howard still had lotsa cleaning 2 do when he came by yesterday afternoon, @ Tracey Mayes's request. My mom's got it in her head that if she & Dad buy that smaller house the odefoax own (the 1 my dad keeps drooling ovr in his monthly letters 4 its choo-choo yard potential), cleaning wd B a breeze. But U so know she'd bitch an' moan abt that 2.

Becky's been asking peeps what's the big deal abt honeymoons. She's wondering abt that cuz her Mom's planning on marrying Dr. Ted & is way xcited abt the hmoon. & Becks doesn't know Y, since they already, U know, do the "wide awake dance", & they take trips whenev they want. & Ger was trying 2 help out by asking his dad, who then got Ger all scared w/all this talk abt how Mboro married couples don't have sex. Xcept 2 get pg. & he talked 2, like, all the married men in Mboro 2 confirm this. Last nite, he started gettin' Becks & me all worried 2. S o they both came ovr so we cd, like, comfort ea other. & Becks called up Mike 2 interview him abt this marriage an' sex stuff. She sed he owed her since she let him have that xclusive interview w/her abt the prison riot & all. And he got us even more scared. It's, like, if U R a Milboro girl & U marry a Milboro guy, U will totally bcome this typical Mboro woman, even if U move away. & the only hope is 2 marry sum guy who's not fr Mboro. Tho I wonder what happed 2 my 'rents. Cuz Ma's fr. Vancouver & Dad's fr. Winnipeg. But I guess that's a mystery 4 another time.

Ger, U R supposed 2 cuddle ME 4 comfort, not my bud! NEwho, Ger, Becks & I R starting 2 think mayB yr "vitamins" cd B steroids. Cuz, U know, no1 evr heard of "vitamin rage". MayB we shd get a sample of yr vites analyzed @ a lab. & while it's cube that U R so big & strong now, U don't want those nasty side-effects!

Alex, believe me, U R way lucky not 2 know what we're going on abt w/the Mboro antisex weirdness. Lucky, lucky, lucky! & sounds like U & Jeremy had yrselves a gr8 d8 last nite! Jeremy, 2 answer yr question abt that feeling U R getting in yr heart & whether Ger makes me feel that way: yeah, he does. @ least he does when he's not giving me a detailed outline on ways 2 improve myself. But he's been happy w/me since thoze cheer tryouts.


Monday, December 12, 2005

Blah blah blah

After Mike an' Dee an' the kidz left last nite, Mom noticed the stair were lookin' schmutzy, so she decided 2 vacuum them. She wasn't using the central vac, tho, so I asked her Y. Mom was all, "I'm just doing the stairs, so this is easier." And I pointeded out, "But it doesn't reach as far", 2 which Ma sed, "Exactly". Then I saw she had one o' those thot bubz over her head, w/ "When I get out the central vac, I end up doing the whole house." Yeah, can't have that, Ma. Gotta save that job 4 Lil 'Pril's Big List O' Chores, eh?

U know what? I dunno Y I even told U that. It's, like, so not blog-worthy (tm Alex). I don't know what came ovr me. Sorry, peeps. BTW, I had 2 use the back door 2 get outta the house, cuz that st00pid snow-wall Dad & Mike put up in front of the house? Still there.

So there was a riot last nite @ the prison where Becks had her gig. Crayzee! But I M glad Becks & Jeremy didn't get hurt!

Not much else 2 tell U abt @ the mo.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

Snow Games

So, Mike showed up brite an' early 2day w/his brood. Robin & Merrie had on their new snowsuits, and the weird thing is how much Robin looks like me when I was his age, at least from certain angles when he's got his lil green hat on. Dee made a pot of coffee, and Mike was all, "I, Michael Patterson, am a model family man! I will take my young children out in2 front the yard for some clean, wholesome snow games so that the entire neighbourhood can admire my devotion!"

Then, while I was helping Dee with the coffee, Mike took the littles out front. Mom and Dad looked out the window while Merrie did snow angels and Mike helped make a snowman & snow fort. I heard Mom saying, "Look, honey. Remember how U used 2 play w/Mike & Lizzie in the snow? U showed them how 2 make forts & angels & snowmen. I'd watch fr the window...and it made me fall inluv w/U all ovr again." Dad was really quiet 4 a sec. Then he was pulling on his coat, hat, & gloves while muttering abt all these yrs thinking it was model trains that made "the laydeez" all hot & bothered. Next thing we all knew, Dad was out front holding a shovel & telling Mike 2 move ovr. Weird thing, he was holding a shovel while he was doing this. & Mike was working on the snowman w/Merrie. What was Dad gonna do, shovel down the snowman so he cd show them all how it's "really done"? Weird. & Now 4 a while, Dad's been, "Elly! Watch this! I'm being charming!" & Mike's been, "NO! Deanna! Watch ME! I'm being CHARMING-ER!" Mom & Dee keep rolling their eyez & asking me 2 bring 'em more coffee.

Somehow, BTW, Dad has the impression that I purposely wore thong undiez 4 the cheer tryouts. Now, Y wd he think that? Weird! He's told Mom she'd better make me throw out "NE & all inappropriate undergarments". I hope that doesn't include my Wonder Bras.

Howard! Becky! NO1 has sed NEthing abt my opera idea? Doncha wanna C if lissening 2 opera wd help Howard's sitch?

NEway, I've gotta get outta this house! Dunc, I'm heading ovr 2 yr house so's we can snowboard!


P.S. Ger, if U R worried marriage wd kill our sex life, mayB we shd just plan on living 2gether sumday. @ least, we shd do sum research on this idea, eh?

Stand by, peeps!

D00ds, Mike is here w/the kiddles an' he's totally tryin' 2 horn in & tell me what & how 2 write. I've gotta w8 til he's outta my face B4 I write my normal entry! I dunno how long it'll B, but I'll B back as soon as I can!


Saturday, December 10, 2005

Yo, Eva's not Chopped Liver!!!

Ok, so a coupla days ago, after I let Becky use that outline? Shannon walked out from the shadows of the hallway (we have sum freaky shadows) an' was all thankin' me 4 that boring e-mail I'd sent. She sed it made her so happy & that no1 in mainstream had evr sent her 1 B4. I'm thinking, "W8 a minute", but I didn't wanna interrupt while she was saying she'd send a reply in a coupla days. Then she hugged me an' I had this thot bubble ovr my head abt empty thank-yous vs. the kind that "fill U rite 2 the top". Then we turned a corner in the hallway, and Eva was standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. "Shannon! I heard what U sed 2 April abt no1 in mainstream evr sending U e-mail. I've sent U loads of e-mail." Shannon looked uneasy for a sec an' then she told Eva that she only sed that cuz she knew I'd been kinda depressed & she thot I needed the encouragement. "Besides, Eva...U & I...R so tite...I hardly...think of...U as...main...stream...NEmore." Eva looked pissed 4 a sec, but then Shannon was all, "No, w8!...That's to....tally a...compli...ment!"

Eva just then got a txt fr. Alex and was like, "Gotta go! Alex needs me!" & she was off.

NEhoodles, OMG, I hope I can live down the cheerleader tryouts fr. yesterday. M I alwayz gonna B known as the girl who wore a thong under her cheer skirt @ tryouts? Becks, U shd prolly tell yr dad's pals that they shdn't try 2 find NE "klutzy sexy cheerleader" pics since I M underage & they can totally get in trub & end up in jail 4 possessing stuff like that!

Ger, 1 of my dad's patients told him she'd heard U wanna get me pg so we can get married, an' he was all, "He does that, & he gets himself dead." So we need a diff plan, 4 sure.

Becky, Howard, I thot of sumthin'. Is the Mboro LGBT lite opera performing these days? I'll bet hearing opera wd help bring back Howard's human side more. Or if the LGBTLO isn't playing, U cd lissen 2 CD's. Or even that recording of our garage opera.

Luann, my English teacher is way big on irony, but, yeah, I think she sometimes misses it when it's rite in front of her nose.

Apes out

Friday, December 09, 2005

R.P Boire Secondary School Policy on Plagiarism and Cheating

My English teacher is sitting here watching me as I write this. Besides making sure I am using "proper English" (ugh!), she is making me copy and paste the school's policy on plagiarism and cheating from our handbook. She says, "Document that, April! Because plagiarizing a passage about plagiarism would be stupid!"* In case you are wondering what is going on (of course you are!), it seems a little bird told our teacher that somebody might have approached me about letting said somebody copy my English paper. "April, we teachers have to be savvy about the Internet these days, since so many youngsters use it to be dishonest! So I came across your blog. Rest assured that I am not planning on reading it, as you and your friends need a safe space to express yourselves. But I must insist that you post our official school policy on academic honesty. And keep in mind that even if you are the one sharing your work with a friend, you are considered just as guilty." I started to say that since my blog is a place for my own free expression, I shouldn't have to, but she cut me off with, "I imagine your mother doesn't know about your blog, and that she might find it interesting?" So, here I am, copying and pasting.

Academic Honesty

Real learning is enhanced when you think independently and honestly. It is expected that you will demonstrate respect for the intellectual property rights of others and adhere to a code of honour in all evaluated activities.

Because classroom teachers are experts in evaluating the writing of their students, and because they are most familiar with the writing styles of their students, they are recognized as authorities in identifying plagiarism. When a situation involving suspected plagiarism arises, it is your responsibility to demonstrate the work to be your own. You must be prepared to orally defend all written assignments, including answering questions about content, ideas and resources.

Any information that is obtained from the Internet and/or other software programs and incorporated into your assignment must be properly documented.

Ask your teacher for the format she/he expects you to use when documenting the sources you have used to research and write your paper. The MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers (Fifth Edition) is available in the Library Resource Centre.

Plagiarism is
  • The use of ideas or thoughts of a person other than the writer without proper acknowledgement.

  • The use of direct quotations, or of material paraphrased and/or summarized by the writer, without proper acknowledgement.

  • The submission of an essay or assignment that has been written in part or in whole by someone else as one’s own.

  • The submission of material that has been obtained from a computerized source, with or without minor modifications, as one’s own.

Cheating is
  • The buying and/or selling of essays, assignments, or exam/test questions.

  • Submission of the same piece of work in more than one course without the permission of the teacher.

  • The preparation of an essay or assignment by someone other than the stated writer.

  • Allowing one’s essay or assignment to be copied by someone else.

  • The unauthorized giving or receiving of information or assistance during an examination or a test.
Whether intentional or through ignorance of the rules, incidences of plagiarism and/or cheating will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. Depending on the severity of the incident, acts of academic dishonesty may lead to severe consequences. One or more of the following steps will be taken:
  • The teacher will interview the student about the incident.

  • Parents or legal guardians will be contacted.

  • The department head and/or administrator will be informed.

  • Oral and/or written warning or reprimand.

  • A make-up assignment or re-write may be given.

  • A failing grade or mark of zero.

  • Suspension.
Sorry about all this, everyone, but I had to!

*By a strange coincidence, the R.P Boire Secondary School Policy on Plagiarism and Cheating is identical to the policy that appears in the student handbook for Thornhill Secondary School.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Guest Blogger: Laura Cruikshank

Hi, Blog readers! This is Laura Cruikshank. Yeah, admit it, you were wondering, "Who's that?!?" I'm the daughter of John Patterson's sister Bev. Until recently, I didn't even have my own page in the Who's Who Guide that Steph the web designer helps Aunt Elly with. Instead, I was a mere footnote to my mom's page. And now that I have a page of my own, finally, look what name appears next to "Associated with". April! The heck? I mean, nothing against April. I had loads of fun over the summer helping her find her inner horse whisperer and such, but come on. Both of April's older sibs had their "farm" summers in their teens. So, I'm not associated with Michael or Liz? I'm not associated with my uncle John? Pssh!

So, as my profile says, I started my university courses to pursue a degree in veterinary medicine. That will make two vets in the family, Mom and me. Then if April decides she is still into the idea and gets her veterinary degree, she can maybe join us at the practice in Winnipeg. If she wants to live in Winnipeg, that is. I would understand if she wanted to live somewhere a bit more bustling.

Anyway, thanks April, for letting me guest blog! It kind of sucks to feel all forgotten, like I'm only dusted off whenever a Patterson teenager needs a life-changing summer experience. Know what I mean?

Well, April tells me she and her friend Becky are going to be telling you all about some stuff involving a "book report" before too long, but not today, as it takes a long time for certain details to eke their way out in some of the stories they feel compelled to tell. April guesses they ought to be able to say some things about it by Saturday or so.


Laura Cruikshank

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Let's Reminisce!

Liz an' I were chatting on the phone recently, and she remembered something that happened when I was four & she was 14 (my age now, peeps!). Liz didn't mean 2 make me paranoid or NEthing, but she found herself noticing, while looking at the bathroom sink, that "If U lk down on the taps, they look like eyez, the faucet is the nose, and the drain's the mouth!!" Then she noticed a lite switch that also looked like a face. Then she found a face by looking at the cabinets. And another by looking @ the fireplace. She noticed the same thing abt a doorknob, and she was all, "Man! This whole place is full of faces!!!!" L8r, Dad saw me lookin' all freaked out, and he was all, "Hi there, April....Is something wrong?" And I was like, "Uh huh... The house is WATCHING me!" I don't remember NE of this, but Liz remembers it well. And she sez that Dad totally yelled @ her l8r, 4 making me all paranoid abt the house having faces that were watching my every move. Mom just laffed tho. With her tongue sticking out.

BTW, I think I did a real dumb thing. I think I had a really weak moment & sent Shannon an e-mail. It was the nite I finished that English paper. I was so delirous, I actually used the phrase "book report" in the e-mail, I think. St00pid Mom planted it there when she was like hangin' all over me an' bein' a pest. NEway, I'm pretty sure the e-mail I sent was dull as dirt. So I hope Shannon will B so disgusted that she stops stalkin' me & trying 2 B my new BFF.

Apes out

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Guest Blogger: Edda Burber

Hello, friends of April Patterson! This is Edda Burber! I am a "young, newly employed dancer in a prestigious, metropolitan ballet company, embarking on a life of her own, with her own loves, hopes and ambitions, and her own tax forms." April & I have been e-pals for a while, & I've filled her in on my adventures in NYC while she shares her scary tales of life in Milborough, Ontario, Canada! Anyway, April asked me to be her guest blogger today, just to give you all a little bit of variety!

I live w/a gorgeous fellow ballet dancer named Seth. He's beautiful and very, very gay. If he lived in Milborough and weren't already in a committed relationship, I'd be sending him over to kiss that doggie, Howard. Seth is a real catch!

What's really got my goat these days is Isabel Florin. "A pianist from Portugal studying at Juilliard, Isabel Florin is the new, consciously alluring woman in Amos' life. She has taken an interest in him not only as his accompanist, but as a potential inamorata. Where Isabel is concerned, Amos is, nearly always, not up to speed." She totally tried to seduce Amos! Amos is my childhood pal who moved to NYC at the same time I did. He's attending Julliard. We've kinda sorta fallen in love, but we are not really handling it so well. After Izzy tried to seduce Amos, he cut a beeline for my place and dumped all her unrequited passion onto me. That was kind of cube (that's the word, right?), but it made me really pissed about what Isabel tried to do. I just came back from her apartment, where I knocked her over with a karate kick even though I never even made contact with her. This is my power, April's friends!

Well, that's all I have to say at the mo. Maybe I'll guest blog again tomorrow. We'll have to see what develops!

Edda Burber, blogging in April's Blogger account

Monday, December 05, 2005


So, like, remember our English assignment? I was working on it recently, though I don't remember which day it was. Anyway, I was still pretty grumpy then, an' my mom kept hovering over me, like that was gonna help. She goes, "How's the book report going, honey?" Book report? Hello! Book reports were, like, grade five. This is like a major paper.But I didn't answer. For some reason, I was all SNORT GRUNT FUME GROAN GRUMBLE, and when my mom was like "Is there NEthing I can help U with", insteada being like, "Yeah, leave me alone and stop saying 'book report'", I was just, GROWL SNIVEL. Then she came back with a tray, all, "I brought U a glass of milk and sum d8 loaf." I mumbled, "Thanks, but please let me concentrate", tho I don't think she heard. BTW, I think I need a new poster 2 put up by my desk. That novelty poster Becky an' I picked out last yr is starting 2 gr8.

NEway, when I sat down 2 brekkers this morning, my dad laffed & sed, "Hey, Creature. U gonna feed again?" An' I was all, "?!?!?!?!?!" He goes, "Oh, it's what yr mom called U when U were working on yr big English paper that she keeps calling a "book report". After she brought U a snack, she grumped 2 me, "Good news. 'The Creature' is feeding." And I sed, all sarcastic, "Well, thanx 4 sharing that. It's so hilarious." And he goes, "April, don't B sore @ yr old man. Laffing @ sumthing st00pid like yr mom's comment just helps me 4get the pain of her special 12-step programme." And I asked, "Oh, yeah, how's that going?" He told me, "U don't wanna know. Yr mom actually made a special "vigilance kit" 4 my associate, Dr. Eliot-Everett What'sHisFace. So much 4 the anonymity."

Oh, I'm writing this B4 having caught up on last nite's comments, so I'll write responsy stuff abt them in the comments area after I post this. If I stop an' read comments now, this will be even l8r, which, sorry this is soooo l8!


Sunday, December 04, 2005

Good Thing Mom Can't Read My Thought Bubbles!

My zits R gone, peeps! I don't know if this is another Sunday fluke like 2 wks ago, but I was so xcited 2 look normal again, I actually went shopping with my mom this morning. On purpose! Mom was complaining abt how hard it is 2 shop 4 Dad: "Yr father is so difficult 2 buy 4. He's not interested in clothes... He likes 2 buy his own toolz." (LOL! C his December letter 4 his toolkit obsession!) Trying 2 help, I was like, "What abt a gift certificate?" & Mom was all, "That's so impersonal." Then, "He likes 2 build models, but he never has time." Then, I was like, "Y don't U book a romantic wkend getaway? Book a swanky hotel, go 2 dinner, take in a show--no kids, no pets... Just the 2 of U." Mom got this big smile on her face, all, "April! What made U come up w/a gr8 idea like that?" An' I'm so lucky Mom can't read my thot bubbles, cuz the one that sproinged up ovr my head sed "I thot it was a good gift 4 ME!" Cuz Ger, Becky, Dunc, Alex, Eva, Jeremy, Vicki, Howard, Marjee. We R sooooooooooo gonna party!!!

NEway, on the way home, my mom sed all this romantic getaway stuff was, of course, contingent on my Dad successfully completing his special "Elly Patterson 12-step programme!" So, d00ds, we've gotta help him if we can, cuz we need us a party, doncha think?

Well, Howard is still a dog. Brenda wasn't his tru luv. :( But Becks is pretty sure they've narrowed down 2 his tru luv being a man, so that shd @ least help the process move along.

Welp, while my face is looking clear, I really wanna get out & about, since I know it mite not last. I'm gonna B @ Horny Tim's in abt half an hour if NE1 wants 2 meet me. Then l8r on, Ger & I have a group mtg @ my house 4 our geog project. I hope the other 2 ppl in our group, Charmaine LeBuke and Ben Haffermass, show up. Dunc told me he doesn't have time 2 jam 2day cuz 2 much h'work. & my dad's not allowed 2 play choo-choos w/Dunc's dad cuz of the 12-step thing.


Saturday, December 03, 2005

PUSHY Shannon!

So remember that day I told U abt fr. last wk, when I was in a pissy mood an' didn't feel like going 2 pizza & moviez w/Ger & Dunc & whoev else was going? Well, rite after Shannon had her thot bubble abt how no1 ever asks her 2 NEthing, she was all, "April...re...mem...ber when I...showed U my...re...ading...pro...gram?" I'm like, "Uh-huh", while thinking, "Yeah, I'm trying 2 wipe that fr my brain but whatevs." And by the way, who breaks up "reading" between the "E" and the "A"? "Ree-ay-ding?" Wha? NEway, next she goes, "U sed...U'd send...me...an...e-mail. Did...U...mean it?" Now, look @ what she did there. If U remember, I didn't say I'd send an e-mail. What I sed was, "So, if I sent U an e-mail, the voice--I mean, "Justin"--would read it 2 U?" And when I sed sure, I was all, "That wd B amazing!" And that was when she hit me with, "April, if...some...1 sent me...an e-mail....that would be....amazing." But I never, ever sed I was going 2 send me an e-mail. But when she asked whether I meant it, I was thinking abt something else, an' I just sort of automatically went, "Sure!" But what a manipulator, peeps! Sheesh! Then she was all, "U R...so totally...awe...some!" And remember, I was in a pissy mood that day. Was. Remember, this was well over a week ago, and I'm feeling much better. So pls try not 2 worry abt me. NEway, in the crabby mood I had, I answered Shannon's "awe...some" with "I am so totally ugly!" Then she laffed, an' I'm all, "What R U laffing @" Shannon goes, "And ppls...call ME...crazy!!!" And I think I had a st00pid, cartoony "D'oh!" xpression on my face.

But B4 U go an' start inviting Shannon 2 stuff cuz U feel bad, read Alex an' Jeremy's posts abt what Shannon did after she, like, invited herself 2 go C hockey w/them an' Alex's fam. Even her Mom paid Alex's Mom 2 try an' get rid of her, but it didn't work. She's not easy 2 ditch! An' she totally kept tryin' 2 hit on Jeremy, so rude when he obvs has a gf. U so don't do that, Shannon, not cube!

Becky & Howard wrote fr. Brenda Starr's where they had an overnite while w8ing 4 her 2 return fr. an assignment this morning. Fingers crossed, peeps!

Ger & I had a v. v. nice d8. I definitely feel much, much better abt life an' everything. I sure hope that holds! And I can start talking abt other ppl in my family next wk, not me, me, me, cuz I'm really sick of my own whining!

Apes out

Edit: I 4got 2 mention this cuz I'm kinda blockin' it out. . . . After Mom caut Dad all fall-down drunk nite-B4 last, an' found out abt the snowplow accident @ Gordo's, she totally tore him a new 1. She's like, "I will not have an alky in my home! We R nipping this in the bud!" & he's all, "OK, I'll sign up 4 a recovery programme." & Ma was, "No way R U putting this family thru the embarrassment of having U in an alky group! I'm going 2 B yr 12-step manager!" & She put on the "12-step manager" t-shirt I posted abt last nite. She told my dad that she read up on 12-step programmes on a buncha websites that Steph the web designer helped her find. & She's gonna B totally in charge of his recovery. I dunno, peeps, this soundz BAD!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Awwwwwww, Geez!

OK, so I just remembered something that happened last wk. I don't remember which day it was, but it wasn't Monday! Ger, Dunc & I were in the hall, an' Ger was all, "Hey! We're all going 4 pizza and a movie 2nite. Wanna come?" An' I sed, "No thanks." Just after that, Shannon sidled up 2 me (I wish she wdn't sidle!) an' asked me, "How...come U...don't want 2...go with...them, April?" I sed, "I don't wanna go NEwhere an' I don't wanna B w/NE1. U know the feeling." She's all, Nope. Then the thot bubble sproingz ovr her head w/ "'Cause...nobody ever asks me!" OK, 1st of all, Shannon, stop sidling up 2 me & eavesdropping & making yr lil comments on what U heard. That's not cube! 2nd, what? M I a terrible person cuz I get asked 2 stuff but don't alwayz wanna go? Is it like my duty 2 go ea time cuz there are peeps in this world who don't get asked 2 stuff? An' Y did I have motion linez behind my stoopid hairdo when Shan was thinkin' that stuff? An' what's w/all those shadowy peeps @ R school? Gah!

Becky's still working on finding Howard's true luv, 2 break the doggie spell w/a kiss. So far, no go. No1 @ school or Gordo's restaurant is the tru luv. & not my dad (ew!) who apparently gets drunk in Anthony's office every nite & forces him 2 listen 2 bizness "ad-vice". 4 the 1st time, I actually feel sum sympathy 4 Anthony. Plus I feel terrible 4 Gordo 2, I can't believe Dad tried 2 operate that snowplow when he was plastered! Another window smashed. Is Dad gonna fix it w/his st00pid toolz? :(

Eva, I'm so sorry I upset U yesterday. U know what? I think I remembered wrong, an' we did meet 1st on the bus. Then, in whichever class it was (prolly French), we teamed up cuz I knew U were cube fr. having chatted on the bus. BTW, that stuff abt U lkin' all lost an' me thinkin' I knew U wdn't say no 2 teaming up? My mom, totally trying 2 add dram 2 my letter. I wish she wdn't do that, cuz then lk what happs. Also hoping we'll B friends? Mom! I totally think of U as a friend already. The dumbarse monthly letterz alwayz cause trub, w/out fail. Pls 4give!

Paul, I can't believe that Jesse readin' the blog stuff 2 his aunt! What a lil busybody! @ least it soundz like U an' Liz had a fun dinner w/yr rellies!


Thursday, December 01, 2005

December Letters

OK, well, Mom didn't change my letter too much, this time but as usual, I'll clue U in on the changes. Mike soooo did not tell me abt that "great trick" of doing an outline 4 English paperz & then w8ing a few dayz 2 come back 2 it. I got that "great trick" fr. a composition book I have, which, actually, Liz bought me. Oh, & Dunc. Mom played up the drama on that 4 sum reason. I think she's decided Eva is, like, his "approved gf" since the Keesha thing didn't work out. What I'd originally written was that Dunc thinx Eva's nice an' has pretty eyez. Oh, also Ger is in my English* class. It's true that Eva & I teamed up on an interview thing, but Mom 4 sum reason decided that no1 I know fr. middle school is in that class.

And, on to Mom's letter. That "in cahoots with Duncan" thing? Same as above. And tell me this passage isn't bizarro, peeps:
I love seeing my son interact with his family. He and Deanna have a good partnership, and they clearly adore their children. For me, it's an opportunity to see how our parenting skills paid off- and I think we did quite well. Now, it's payback time! There's a certain amount of satisfaction in seeing a kid that you struggled with...struggling with his own!
Doesn't it seem sorta nasty she's so happy about the "struggle"? Oh, an' look @ her acting all like she doesn't know about Liz an' Paul d8ing, like she doesn't read Lizzie's letters. And, like, make changes, if she feelz like it. Oh, and check out this stuff she sez abt blogging:
So many of them keep websites; I find that really interesting. I used to hide my diary under a loose floorboard in my bedroom; these kids are posting theirs for the world to see because they want understanding so badly. Weblogs are a great outlet, but when the wrong people find them, look out! It's amazing how much personal drama is enacted in public over the Internet. And it's in a medium that people of my generation could scarcely have imagined (except for those who were working to bring it about). It's incredible
So, like, who clued in my Mom that there R blogz out there that Rn't just random pix & recipez, like my fake blog? Steph, was it U? Just pls don't tell her abt my real blog, K? I'll even pay 4 the next mannies if U'll just B kewl abt this!

Hey, funny Mom is worried abt keeping her grandkidz outta the dog food, but I guess it's OK if Gramps chomps on doggie biscuits. Speaking of which, flu? Ma doesn't want 2 admit she's punishing gramps 4 another Dixie havarti infraction.

Liz. More on how the Mtiggies R all nosy & don't give her & Paul NE privacy. But if U read here regularly, U knew that already.

Sob story from Mike abt Anthony. How judgmental is this?
Dad tells me that Anthony's marriage problems are taking a toll on him. He looks tired and he feels he's failed. Therese is busy traveling, taking courses and climbing up the corporate ladder. There's no glass ceiling as far as she's concerned - just mirrors, and she likes what she sees. Therese is a sharp woman who tried to be something she isn't. She wanted the stability of marriage but not the sameness. She never shared Anthony's vision of home and family, although for his sake she tried. Instead of talking things out and working toward a solution, she has become distant and more devoted to her career. She's rarely home these days and Anthony expects to have to make plans for a future without her.
But w8, instead of working toward a solution and talking thingz out w/Therese, wasn't Anthony whining 2 Liz about "I have no home" & "W8 4 me"? So how is Anthony superior? And how is Mike putting in crazy hours 4 his work better than when Therese does it? @ least, Mike finally admits Dee earns more $ than he does.

Dee wants U 2 practice gd hygiene, yo!

And just when U thot my dad couldn't B NE more boring than when he writes abt trainz, he has 2 prove U wrong by harping on tool kits. TOOL KITS? He thinx he shd give 'em as prezzies every yr so peeps won't want NE prezziez fr. him NEmore. Passive aggressive much, Dad? And he's so bored w/his life he's happy when he givez himself something 2 do by breaking the window so's he can use the tools.

Gramps an' Iris. Yeah, so I helped Iris w/shopping 4 her grandkids. It's nice that she enjoyed having lunch w/me @ the mall. & it was nice of her 2 say I'm well-informed abt WW2 & stuff.

LOL, so this month it was Mom's turn 2 write the pets' letter. But she totally makes it sound like I lied abt having "a mountain of homework" (allegedly?). Like I'd just make that up 2 get outta writing the st00pid pet letter. Yeah, Ma, whatevs. I guess it's nice that she sez I take gd care off Buttsy, but many peeps don't put 2 much stock in2 what Mom sez abt pet care!


* I mentioned this boo-boo 2 Steph, the web designer who helps my mom. She then re-edited my letter 2 say that Eva sits next 2 me in history class, an' that that is the class where no1 else I know fr. middle school has the same class I do. Only, that makes a whole new prob, cuz remember back in September when Becky sed that history isn't till second semester? Anyway, Eva an' I can't even remember which class we did our interview thingy 4. It mighta been French class. Eva & I R both in honours French, tho I switched 2 it a bit l8.

Everybody wants something!

So, after English class Tuesday, I was headed off 2 the washroom, & Ger was all, "Where R U going?" & I was all, "Washroom." He had this look like he wanted 2 follow me in, but he didn't. Phew! So, like, I'm in there obsessing abt the stoopid, abnormal zits, thinking, "My face still looks awful...I wish it would clear up." (I hate when those ellipses show up in my thots. English teacher wd not approve!) Then, I'm thinking, "I am so gross-looking rite now. Gross, disgusting and..." Just then, I noticed a girl I don't know, coming out of a stall &, like, staring. I'm like, "What R U looking @" An' shes, "Nothing." Then as she's leaving, she has this thot bubble ovr her head, "I'm so skinny. I wish I had a figure like she has!" So, it's like the Zit Remedy sang in their famous song. "Everybody wants something, they never give up!" I felt kinda bad, cuz I didn't think she was 2 skinny @ all! She's like just rite.

Well, Ger & I made up yesterday and we have a d8 this coming Fri nite, dinner @ Luigi's. He's feeling bummed abt his brother, like how his 'rents seem 2 favour him when all he ever seemz 2 do is play basketball w/Chuck Cunningham and punch Ger in the stomach. And it's Ger who triez so hard 2 B a good son. 'Rents R insane, peeps!

Becky's mom did a special spell 4 Howard. He's still a dog, but kissing his true luv is supposed 2 transform him back 2 human form. Now Becks has 2 get peeps 2 kiss this big shaggy Newfie dog!

Alex an' Jeremy R both in2 that show Lost. I've nevr seen it, so I'm way lost (not a pun!) myself when I hear peeps talkin' abt stuff that happs on the show. But that's OK, it's cube that they can watch it 2gether &, like, complain abt how it's been going this season.

Paul an' Liz had an interesting dinner w/unwelcome Billy Strongblood & Yulanda jumpin' in. I hope Liz writes in soon and lets us know what happed when she & Yulanda stepped aside 2 have a talk!


P.S. I can't believe it's December already! Stay tuned 4 my post on the monthly letters!