Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"

Next, the screen went blank and then just had text projected on it: "THE EXTENDED FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES OF THE PATTERSONS CONTINUE TO LIVE AND GROW, LOVE AND LAUGH AND EXPERIENCE LIFE AS WE DO... AS IF PART OF A COMPLEX NOVEL, WHOSE PAGES ARE CAREFULLY CRAFTED AND THEN TURNED BY ANOTHER HAND." Then the screen lifted up.

Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!

Apes

The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

CRANE, Mike, not CROW

Mike had another premonition about Liz's wedding day, 23 August:

April,

Formerly little sis. I had another moment where I foresaw something from Elizabeth’s wedding day and it is my delight to share it with you. As you may or may not remember, in addition to delivering a magnificent speech at Elizabeth’s wedding, it was decided to also take advantage of my celebrity status and have me act as a greeter and seater. Plus I could sign a few copies of my latest novel, Blood Cargo, if necessary. When people come to the wedding, I will say, “Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” and then I seat them in the seats on the left if they say, “Bride” and the seats on the right if they say, “Groom.” Or is that the other way around? I am sure I will get it right by the wedding day. Mom said I could reshuffle the guests if it turned out there was no one who would claim to be a friend of the groom, which mom thinks is likely.

Back to my foretelling. I am standing there at the wedding ceremony location, looking good. I had already seated an Asian woman and her stalker and they were almost sitting in their chairs the right way. Then a First Nations man, and a lighter-coloured woman show up. My initial thought was that this was the constable Liz used to date, whom I never met. I thought he was there to flaunt the fact he found another almost-white woman to date in front of Elizabeth on her wedding day. Only he made a mistake, because this woman was a lot fatter and uglier than Liz is. I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

I figured I could probably take him, if he made trouble. I was getting ready to spring into action, knock him on the ground, and give his ear a good tweaking; when it occurred to me that this was not the first responsibility of the greeter. First you greet. Then you tackle.

They came up to me and said, “Excuse me, is this the Patterson-Caine wedding?” I responded with “Yes! Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” in perfect greeter fashion. The man said, “Friends of the bride!” “Ha!”, I thought. "You’re no friend of the bride, cowardly ex-boyfriend. Get ready to eat a Michael Patterson knuckle sandwich.” Then he said, “…We’re from Mtigwaki, the village where she taught…” I was about to slam him to the ground, when I suddenly remembered that there were actually people from that place Liz invited to her wedding. My mind flashed quickly down the guest list. What were their names? It would be so impressive of me, if I could remember their names without asking or looking at the guest list. I remembered it was a bird name, and it started with “cr”. I thought, “Crake? Crab plover? Crossbill? Crow?” Then I thought, “Crow. That has to be it, because that sounds just like one of those First Nation names.” So, I said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Crow!” They didn’t say they weren’t, so I knew I got it right. Score one for Michael Patterson. I grabbed a lavender chair and said in my best greeter voice, “Welcome! Please sit down. Elizabeth will be so glad you came!” I foretell those greeter lines will come so naturally to me.

As they sit down, I notice Lawrence Poirier is standing next me. Obviously he was amused that I did not immediately recognize one of Elizabeth’s friends with close to the same skin colour as he has. I explain, “My sister has a lot of friends, Lawrence. Some of them I’ve never met before!” Lawrence responds with a great joke, “That’s the thing about weddings, Mike…It unites the ‘Who’s Who’ with the ‘Who’s that?’” What great joke, playing on the word “Who.” I foresee myself laughing a lot at that one. I’m not laughing at it now; but I foresee I will find it very funny.

That’s where it ends. Isn’t that a great prediction? I am going to find out that Liz has friends I don’t know. Who would have thought it was possible?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Aw, Gary and Vivian, why R U going 2 B 2 polite 2 correct Mike? Mike, as patrickrsghost commented last nite, their last name is CRANE not CROW. Tho their not correcting U has me wondering the same thing patrickrsghost does, which is whether their names will silently get changed on that Who's Who site Steph maintains for Mom.

I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

Mike, what you're not-quite remembering is that Liz showed up to the Anthony-Thérèse wedding with her dancing date Dennis North.

Apes

Mike has a flash-forward to the wedding day

So, it looks like I'm not the only one who's been waking up this week knowing stuff that'll happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. Now it's Mike's turn:

April,

Formerly little sis. It’s been almost 2 months since you last told a story about modern day me, I was beginning to feel little unappreciated. Fortunately for you, I woke up with a vision of me and Elizabeth’s wedding day, and simply felt I had to tell it. So, if you had another story to tell about Elizabeth’s wedding that did not involve me, it's just too bad.

I was in my tuxedo with the teal bowtie and cummerbund with my family nowhere to be seen, contemplating the best way for the crowd to lift me on their shoulders and carry me out after I do my speech for Elizabeth in her ceremony. I was standing on a clear pathway between chairs, lavender-coloured chairs lined up in rows. In front of me, nestled at the front of all those lavender-coloured chairs was an arch made up of lavender and teal flowers. And there were big buckets of flowers and potted plants, all coloured lavender and teal. And there was a tree over head, with its ancient branches hanging over the lavender and teal as if to say, “Someone has drawn a tree leaning almost completely over.” The tree was so surreal; I knew it must be a dream.

I was there, standing resolutely with my hands in my pockets, knowing deep in my heart of hearts that this must be the place where Anthony Caine and my sister, a clearly colour blind sister, would be saying the vows which would unite them together as husband and wife. As I stood there alone, Lawrence Poirier was beside me and I said to him, “You’ve outdone yourself with the flowers again, Lawrence.” He replied, “My pleasure, Mike. It truly is a pleasure.”

It was at this point I was sure I was going to get the lecture about how Lawrence is a landscaper and not a florist, but that moment did not come. Then I saw Lawrence lean over in my direction, as if he were going to kiss me, but that moment did not come. Instead he did something even better. Lawrence said, “There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you or for your folks---friendship aside, the support you’ve given us has been major!” At first I wanted to tell him it was “majour!” with a “u” and not “major” like you would spell in the states, but my mind was taken with a completely different thought. For just the briefest of moments after Lawrence said this, I almost felt like I should say, “Thank you!” But then it went away. That was a close one.

I said, “You’ve helped us out with 2 weddings now—when are you gonna take the plunge?” Yes, I said “gonna.” It wasn’t very pretty. They say that when you go to weddings, the first thing to go is your language. But I digress.

I was unabashedly putting Lawrence on the spot. It’s just that when you are happily married as I am, you want everyone to be married. To some people that seems like putting on the pressure; but I had not had a face-to-face conversation with Lawrence since 2005. I think the pressure was pretty low.

Then the lights went out and I felt a sprig of my hair leap up, as if in imitation of your usual hairstyle. Lawrence said, “Nick and I are married in spirit, Mike. I don’t think we’ll have a ceremony.” Then I put my left hand on his right shoulder, and he concluded with “But isn’t it great to know we have the right!!!” I thought to myself, “right to have a ceremony” or “right to be married in spirit”? I think there is some rule in Milborough that if you are together for more than 10 years you have to get married. I am not sure Lawrence and Nick have the right to be married only in sprit. And what is this spirit marriage anyway? I never figured Lawrence as one who would start talking about ghosts, much less ghosts who can have weddings. You try to have a decent conversation with someone you haven’t personally talked to over 3 years, and this is what happens. I remember now why it was I stopped talking to Lawrence.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, U silly goof. We write "major" in Canada, 2. Not "majour." In fact, even the Brits write "major." Oh, hang on, Liz is here. She saw what U wrote and wants 2 add sumthing.

Apes

Hi, this is Liz. Why do people keep saying I'm colour blind? My wedding colours are gorgeous together, and I'm going to be the prettiest pretty bride ever! Look how nice these colours are. If you don't think so, YOU'RE colour blind. And a picky face! Well, I've got to go. I've got more important things to do!

Liz

Cuz Liz, she's freaky!

After my stop @ Lakeshore Landscaping, I brought Liz the catalogues, saying, "Lawrence let me borrow sum catalogues, Liz!" She sed, "Gr8!" And we sat @ the kitchen table. While Liz went thru one of the catalogues, I sed, "He sed 2 choose what U wanted and he'll take care of the rest." Liz went, "He and Nick R so generous."

Then, I did that annoying ticking-off-fingers-to-count-items gesture while saying, "So... U're wearing 'Grandma's' dress, the flowers will B taken care of, the bridesmaids R organized, the place is booked and we've talked 2 the caterers. ....What wd U like 2 freak out abt next?!!" Liz did a heavy-lidded stink-eye look, but I think that mite actually have been cuz she hadn't had time 2 think of what she wanted 2 freak out abt next. Liz needs 2 mull things over a lot.

Apes

Aw, no, Lawrence, don't PUN!

Yeah, so yesterday, I had 2 stop by Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, 2 talk 2 him abt the flowers 4 Liz's wedding. Lawrence was all, "So, U're in charge of the flowers, hum?" Gah, so my dad has Lawrence doing the "hum" thing now. Who's next? I went, "Yup! ...That's me!" Elizabeth wants sumthing that'll go w/teal and violet ribbons [cuz she didn't take Mira's suggestion abt changing her hiddy colour scheme]." And Lawrence opened up a catalogue, saying, "Let's check the catalogue." He asked me, "She knows that Nick and I R giving her the flowers as a wedding gift, doesn't she?" I thot mayB the reason 4 this question was Lawrence bracing himself 4 Liz 2 take full advantage by way over-ordering, but I wasn't sure. I sed, "Yes. It's really kind of U, Lawrence!" And he sed.... Oh man, here's what he sed: "No problem! ..Business is blooming!!"

Ick. Poor Lawrence, my fam barely ever pays attention 2 him NEmore. If they don't need help moving, or a summer job, or a tree, it's like they 4get he xxists. So mayB he thinks it's cuz he doesn't pun enuf 4 my pun-happy, fam. Please, Lawrence, don't come over 2 the pun side.

Dreadedcandiru2, U R rite, Liz is really making sure I have, like, zero spare time w/all this wedding stuff. She even tried 2 get me 2 quit my job @ the vet clinic. No way, man! I may only B a cage cleaner there, but I still get 2 observe and learn, so that's important 4 my future, U know?

Apes

Mike's Burps and Braacks a Long Time Ago

Did U know Mike's been burping for decades? Did U care? I thought not, but we R still on flashbacks, and Mike is on2 burps from days of yore:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day I thought I was alone and after drinking a particularly bubbly glass of pop, I decided to see if I could still burp the way I used to when I was 5. I must say, that even in my 30s, I still have it. However, my wife, the lovely Deanna, felt the need to track me down and inform me that I was not to make those disgusting noises, in case I set a bad example for my children. It reminded me of a very similar incident from when I was 5.

I was wearing a Hawaii shirt, and I had just clipped the fingernail of my right thumb so it was especially square. Then I drank from my Fizzo Pop can a good drink of carbonated delight. With my tongue out, as if I were laughing, I said, “Burp..Burp…Burp! {A triple lead-in.} BRAAACK!” complete with drops and bubbles. It was quite stupendous. Mom came up to me and said, “Michael! You are not to make those disgusting noises!”

Then she took my pop can from me and said, “I don’t want to hear that again…do you understand?” Down and dejected, I went to pick dandelions with Lawrence Poirier, and lie in the grass and look deep into his eyes and discuss my troubles as 5-year-olds are wont to do. I said to Lawrence, “Gosh, Lawrence—How can a guy get good at something if they don’t let you practice?”

It was a younger and more innocent age, and of course I know the answer to that question now that I am older. The answer is university and beer. That is where I honed my burping skills. I can recommend it to you. I certainly hope you will develop that as a skill instead of doing as Elizabeth did in university, where she tended toward developing the skill for getting hangovers.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I think the burps and hangovers both seem unappealing. I'll come up w/my own stuff 2 do during uni.

Patrickrsghost, sorry abt that scary experience U had c-ing yr friend's grandma.

Apes

Strange, Disturbing Musings from My Bro

I M sorry 2 have 2 tell U this, but it looks like we R not dun w/those flashbacks we were in all of this past wk. We may B in 4 a whole 2nd week! Here's what Mike had 2 say in a comment last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, I had wondered why it is that Josef Weeder is my best friend instead of Lawrence Poirier, since Lawrence and I grew up together. It's not the reason that everyone suspects, i.e. Lawrence picked Nicholas Browne over me. (I get very tired of explaining that this is not the reason.) Actually, it started at a very early age.

I remember one time when I was sitting on my front stoop outdoors with Lawrence. I was very distressed over something that had happened with my mother. I said, "All I have to do is LOOK at my mom and she gets mad!" I thought this sterling description was sufficient to get Lawrence's sympathy. After all, his mother was Connie Poirier, and who wants to look at her seven shades of ugly? But no! Lawrence didn't believe me. He said, "Honest, Mike? You were just lookin' at her?" I was shocked that Lawrence did not trust me. I think this was the first time I realized that Lawrence and I would not agree on everything, like Josef and I do.

So, to better describe my case to Lawrence, I added, "Yeah. She was in the bath at the time." I thought this would put it over with Lawrence, but instead he looked at me and started mumbling something about how he would do whatever it took to avoid seeing Elly Patterson naked."

When I told the same story to Josef Weeder, his response was very different from Lawrence's. He talked about how he often snuck into his mother's washroom when she was taking a bath, to look at her. That's one of the things about Josef and me. Our experiences are so similar, I often feel like we are the same person broken apart only by our different choices in career.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Uh.... Yeah. Mike an' Weed. Peas in a pod. I think I need 2 change the subject, eh?

So, I start my job @ the vet clinic 2day. Weird, it seems 2 me my job will B a lot like one I had when I was eight, @ an animal shelter. Check what I wrote in my monthly letter back in March of 2000:

The[y] paid me 10 dollars at the animal shelter for cleaning out cages but I didn't want to get paid so me and Alex (another kid who comes with me) went and bought treats for the animals.

We have 3 dogs, 2 puppies and lots of kittens (in the adoption part) and there's about 6 pets who are lost and waiting for their owners. One is really sad and they don't have collars or identification things. Dr. Gillan who is the vet thinks people aren't looking for them. So I don't know what will happen. We play with them a bit, but we don't take them out because they are too big, so some volunteers from the highschool help out too. I like working at the animal shelter!

Only this time, I'm totally gonna let them pay me. I need the $$$!

Apes

Wasting time in 30-second bits

It seems U R supposed 2 spend 30 seconds caring abt young Mike getting Mom to give him and her friends cookies, so she ends up gazing out the window at them (since they messily eat their cookies rite outside the window) and thinking, "If U don't want pigeons... Don't start feeding them." U R prolly even supposed 2 notice that she actually has a smile on her face while thinking that, instead of being all pissed off or gobsmacked.

But Y wd U do that? No1 cares abt these random glimpses in2 the past, eh? Esp. if we dole out our stories 30 secs @ a time. Whatevs, I M still in Toronto w/Eva and Duncan. We R trying 2 convince Dunc 2 leave that squat where he's staying, across the st from Weed and Carleen. He sez he can't leave Zenia rite now, cuz she's going thru a really hard time. She cdn't stay in residence @ UT over the summer, and all her usual prospects for summer lodging fell thru. And a bunch of other drama.

Apes

Newsflash: Dogs pee on trees

We're back in the present, @ least 4 2day, but U will B so bored, U mite hardly notice. Mom and Dad went 2 Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, and bought a new tree 4 the yard. The Lakeshore guys delivered the tree, and rite after Mom and Dad put the new tree in the ground, and mounted the supports 4 it, Edgar decided this was a good time 2 break in the new tree by peeing on it. U know, dog logic: new, unmarked tree in the yard. Let the other doggies know whose tree it is. Then Mom and Dad yelled @ him 4, like, behaving like a dog. And he got so confused, he collapsed next 2 a coupla older trees and thought-bubbled a red "?".

During all this, Dixie may or may not have been locked in a cage, where it's EZer 4 Mom and Dad 2 4get that they have a 2nd doggie.

Apes

Mike was a horrid little kid

Well, it's Sunday, and U know what that means. Totally random topic change. This time we have more from Mike's sordid past, w/this message Mike posted l8 last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. After spending time with my mother and her dogs, my children were pestering me about getting birds for a new pet, since they have grown tired of their rabbit and the rabbit has learned how to hide where my kids can't find it. However, I had to refuse them. When they asked why, I said to them, "After I tell you this story, you will completely understand why." My children groaned and moaned about it, but eventually they relented by listening to my story. This is what it was:

Years ago, I and my friend Lawrence Poirier used to spend hours together outside, playing in the grass with no shoes on. On one of these days, I decided to make a bird trap. Lawrence was confused by this and I said, "Whatsa matter? You never seen a bird trap, before?”

I explained, “To make a good bird trap, Lawrence…ya start with a lasso and then ya disguise it with dirt…” and as I was saying this, I took the lasso I had made and started uprooting dirt from the ground to cover the lasso. This way, instead of looking like a lasso on the ground, it looked like an intoxicated mole had been in the area. This was a common problem in Milborough and so the birds would find it completely normal.

Then I said, “For bait, you get a bunch of ol’ bread crumbs an’ a couple a defunct worms…” I pointed to the bait I had gotten from mom’s kitchen when she made bread that time, and a couple of worms ate it and almost immediately died. As I was showing this part of the presentation, Lawrence’s eyes got very big. I think it had something to do with the fact that my mom had given his mom some of that bread.

I got on the other side of that lasso, holding it in my hand, and hiding behind a tree. I said, “—Now we just wait.” Lawrence on the other side of the tree, also hiding out, and he said, “Do we have to wait long?” Already his patience has been waning and we just started.

We waited and waited and waited and waited, until the sun started to go down and put shadows on the other side of the tree where we were waiting. Lawrence said, “We’ve been waitin’—an’ waiting an’ waiting, Michael…when are we gonna catch something?” My initial thought was to let Lawrence know it had been 4 waits and not the 3 he mentioned. Clearly he missed a wait. However, I decided not to respond.

It grew dark and still I waited. Lawrence started to fall asleep. Then his mother got him and said, “Lawrence Poirier. Where have you been?” Then Lawrence told his mom about the bird trap. She said, “Why would you ever want to trap a wild bird in a bird trap?” Lawrence didn’t have a good answer for that one. His mom took him home, leaving me alone with the bird trap.

It grew even darker, and finally I cried out to the birds, DUMB BIRDS!” to express my angst over the whole situation. And that, I said to my children, is why we will not be getting any birds for pets.

After hearing my plaintive story of my past with birds, my kids said, “Where’s mommy?” And they went off to talk to her about something.

These kids today don’t have the stamina that Lawrence and I did.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Aw, Mike. What a mean, brutal kid U were. What xxactly were U planning 2 do w/the poor bird once U caught it, NEway?

The only thing I agree with is that yr kids shd not get a bird, or NE other pet 4 that matter. But not cuz of NEthing in yr sad, sick story. If they R "tired of" Buttsy, then getting another pet is the last thing they shd B allowed 2 do. Animals are not playthings 2 B put away when U're bored w/them. They R living beings that need love, attention, and affection. And of course food, water, and a clean, safe, environment.

Apes

Connie thinx rocks and stones R punny

So, I told U abt how Mom and Connie were walking Edgar and Dixie, congratul8ing themselves 4 how tuff, responsible, reliable, practical, determined, loving, and 4giving they supposedly R, while I was walking Dixie rite behind them, so poor Dix wdn't hafta miss out on having a walk.

NEway, Connie went, "Our kids always got along so well, Elly... Lawrence, Michael and Elizabeth were such gd friends!" And Mom sed, "Still R!" What? Mike and Lawrence were always gd friends, but Liz didn't b-come friendly w/Lawrence until she got a job w/him @ Lakeshore Landscaping when she was on summer break from uni, and even then, they never got super-close. And let's not 4get abt the time when Lawrence hit baby-Liz and she called 4 Mom, and he sed sumthing abt how he didn't know she cd talk 2 rat him out. Yeah "always gd friends." And while they were growing up, Mike and Liz were never friends w/ea other.

But it turned out, Connie had set up all this "friend" talk 2 segue in2 talking abt Liz being engaged: "Now 'little Lizzie' is officially engaged 2 Anthony! ...And U like him, don't U." Naturally, Connie st8ed this as a st8ment rather than a question. For yrs and yrs there's been NO question abt Mom liking Anthony, and Connie had a discussion w/Mom on just how much way back when Anthony had just gotten engaged w/Thérèse, Liz was living w/Eric, and Anthony took Liz 2 his father's NYE party. Mom's favourite phrase 4 @ least 8 yrs has been "I've always liked Anthony." So I dunno Y Connie was even bothering 2 say that.

But NEway, Mom affirmed, "I do!" Just like Liz and Anthony will when they get married. And Connie was all, "When is the big day?" Mom went, "That's the frustr8ing thing, Connie. They haven't decided. --It's not even being discussed!" Connie sed, "Hmmm... In our day, a rock on yr finger meant a d8 set in stone!" Oh, har-dee-har. "Rock" and "set in stone." Yeah, whatevs. But newsflash 2 Connie: This isn't a generational thing. It's a Liz/Anthony thing.

Apes

Mom and Connie use "horse" metaphors

It had been a while since Mom and Connie sat around sipping hot beverages and being annoying, so Connie came over, Mom made coffee, and they sat @ the kitchen table 2 gab.

I cd hear Connie say, "I'm so jealous, Elly! U're going 2 B a 'mother of the bride'! ...I'll never C Lawrence married. Not in a conventional way. Oh, he and Nicholas cd tie the knot, but it wdn't B the same. No white dress, no tossing the bouquet." Hrm, even if Lawrence were str8, Connie wdn't B the mother of the bride in that wedding. Tho I guess when her stepdaughters, Molly and Gayle, got married, they were chopped liver. Poor Francie, if she gets married sumday, will Liz not think that "counts"?

NEway, Mom jumped in w/"Still...Just knowing that yr child has found the rite partner is wonderful. They're settled. The circle is complete." The circle is complete? Wha? I peeked in and saw that Mom was looking esp. uggo when she sed that. She almost looked wall-eyed when she did. And her eyes also looked way 2 wide open. Connie went in2 silhouette 2 say, "Yes..."

Then Mom and Connie traded, so Mom was in silhouette and Connie wasn't, and Connie continued, "I'm happy 2 hand the reins over 2 the next generation." And Mom was like, "Me, 2...." Then Mom got outta silhouette 2 say, "....As long was we still own the horses!!" Connie looked kinda horselike when she laffed @ that. Wow, so is Mom a control freak or what? What does her "joke" mean--she wants 2 control her kids, like, 4evs? Is this like when Mom sold Lilliput's 2 Moira but made a pt of saying she still held the mortgage on the bldg? I'm a bit scared thinking abt what-all this means.

OTOH, Mom obvs is in a hurry 2 get rid of me. MayB once I'm @ uni, she'll 4get me so completely, I won't even B xxpected 2 come home 4 school breaks, like Mike and Liz did.

Thanks 4 yr nice words yesterday, Anon NYC. I try 2 B "real."

Apes

Mike Defended His Torment-Territory

Mike has a not-quite-heartwarming story 2 share w/U all:

April,

Formerly little sis. Every once in awhile there comes a time when a man has to stand up for his own. A time when right is right and wrong is wrong. A time when a man has to have really good hair.

I lot of times when I remember back to 1980, I remember myself with a fairly significant receding hairline for a kid who’s just 6-years-old. But today when I was reminiscing, I thought back to a time when Lawrence Poirier, my best friend next door, and I nearly came to blows, all because he crossed the line. He delved into territory he shouldn’t have even thought about.

Yes, April. When Lawrence was 6-years-old, he hit our sister Lizzie. I was furious. I grabbed him by the collar so that the back of his collar was tight against the back of his neck (and he went googly-eyed and his tongue stuck out as if I were choking him, so I must have really gotten this shirt-pulling thing wrong), and I said, “Don’t you ever hit Lizzie again, Lawrence!”

When Lawrence was flustered, I remember he used to do these great contortionist tricks to distract his opponent. He would pull his shoulders out of their sockets and bend his left arm around backwards. Then he said, “Honest, Mike…it wasn’t hard…I just er…sort of pushed…” That technique usually worked but I did my best vulture imitation taught me by the master, and those contortions had no effect on me.

Well, then Lawrence did one of my favourite contortions where he puts his hands together and makes it look like he has 8 fingers instead of the normal 10. And he did the thing with his eyes, where he made one look like it was going to cry and the other one look like Quasimodo. Then I looked down and realized Lawrence was wearing a dress and not pants. I am not so heartless, formerly little sis, that these contortions and this public transvestitism did not touch me. But I still had to have a show of strength, so I waved my fist in the air and said the classic Patterson threat, “Well, just you watch it. Or else.”

Lawrence did one more contortion with his right arm as I walked away thinking, “Nobody picks on my baby sister…---But me.” Those are words to live by, formerly little sis. Words to live by. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and then I realized I didn’t have the receding hair line any more. It was almost as if someone had decided to redraw my face into one more suitable for the memory.

So, formerly little sis, that’s the story about how I stood up for my right to be the only person allowed to pick on my baby sister.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hey, Mike, do U still have that policy abt being the only one who's allowed 2 pick on Liz? Cuz if U R, U mite hafta spend sum time following her from one place 2 another and theatening 2 beat peeps up.

Apes

Lemonade stand

So on that long, long day, about a week and a half ago, when Liz did her laundry, drove me home, got mad @ Mike, left, came back, got me 2 get back in the car w/her, and went 2 Mayes Midtown Motors 4 a fillup, and told me stories from when Mike was five and she was a little baby? A little baby not even present 4 most of the stories she was telling? Yeah, well, I'll U what happed next.

When the station attendants saw that Anthony had gotten gasoline all over himself while trying 2 give Liz her fillup, one of them, André, came running over and sed he'd take over so Anthony cd clean himself up and change his clothes. It seems he always has changes of clothes in his office cuz stuff just goes wrong that regularly.

NEway, B4 he went off 2 change and clean up, Anthony sed that we shd meet him in Gordo's restaurant. Lest U 4get that Mayes Midtown Motors has one. With cinnamon buns.

So Liz and I got a table, and while we w8ed 4 Anthony, Gordo came over 2 chat. "Liz! What have U been up 2?" She told him a summary of our day. He was like, "Really? Seriously? Sounds like U can really use sum coffee and cinnamon buns. On the house, of course!" He snapped his fingers for a waitress, who came over not looking v. happy 2 have sum1 snap fingers @ her.

"Cindy! Free coffee and cinnamon buns for these two. They're Pattersons!"

Cindy bit her lip and sed, "Yes, sir!" She took our coffee orders and left.

Anthony appeared with Michael trailing behind him. "Liz! April! Gordon! U'll never believe who I just ran in2!"

Gordo sed, "Since Michael Patterson is standing rite behind U, I'd wager U ran in2 him."

Anthony was all, "Yeah! Hey, it's no mistake he's the boss, am I rite, ladies? And Mike?"

So Mike sat down next 2 me and Anthony plunked himself next 2 Liz. Mike was all, "Lizardbreath, which story did U just tell?" She let him know that she'd just told the story of Mike's big "KASMASH" from the kitchen while dad was bottlefeeding Liz." Mike was like, "Oh! Well, U have 2 tell the lemonade-stand story next!" That was the very next one in the sequence!

And Liz sed, "Since U R here and U're such an xxpert, Y don't U tell it?"

Cindy showed up w/the coffee and cinnamon buns and put them on the table. Then she took coffee orders from Mike and Anthony.

Mike was like, "Good thinking, Lizard! Leave the storytelling 2 the professional when he's available! Okay, so watch carefully." Mike sprang 4 consecutive thot bubbles. In the 1st, 5yo Mike was sitting on the stoop just outside the house. He had a sailbout next 2 him, and he had his head resting on 2 grotesquely 4shortened 4arms, with his elbowz on his knees. We cd C Mom's legs in plaid just behind him. Mike had a speech bubble with, "I don't have NEthing 2 do. I don't have NE1 to play w/." In the next thot bubble, Mom was sitting down on the stoop next 2 Mike. In this panel, he looked bald and had the double-eyebrow effect peeps useta get then. His arms were crossed on his knees and his hands looked v. deformed. Mom had an arm around Mike and sed, "I have an idea! Y don't we set up a lemonade stand!" 3rd thot bubble, Mike, still balding, was C'n across the street telling Lawrence and sum freckled kid w/glasses, "Hey, guys! My mom is settin' up a lemonade stand!" In the background was Mom setting up the stand in front of the house: "Lemonade 1 c." Final thot bubble, Mom was sitting at the stand, pouring lemonade 4 Mike, who had his tung sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Lawrence, Gordo, another boy, and a little girl were crowding around the table. Mom thot bubbled, "Sumhow.. this isn't what I had in mind..."

Gordo sed, "Oh, I remember that! Mike, yr mother's lemonade was horrible! It's like U'd get a gulp of sour lemon taste, and then a big clump of sugar. It was awful. As soon as we'd tasted that junk, we all ran home."

Mike looked kind of sad. "Yeah. Then I was bored again. I think I got Mom 2 put on a puppet show."

Liz went, "Where was I during all this?"

Mike sed, "Oh, U were in yr crib. Mom useta just leave U there when she was bizzy and Dad wasn't willing or able 2 help out. When we went back in2 the house U were screaming. U'd spat up all over yrself and yr diaper was soaked."

Liz sed, "It just figures!" When Mike gave her a stern look and rolled his eyez in Anthony's direction, Liz sed, "But Mom cdn't help it b-cuz she knew she was nurturing a son who was xxtra smart and sensitive and theatrical and inquisitive, who needed the xxtra attention."

Anthony broke in w/"B-sides, all that neglect helped make U the good person U R 2day."

Gordo sed, "I'm having an Elly-Patterson lemonade flashback. I'm outta here."

Stay tuned 4 more reminiscing.

Apes

Blahblahblah Mike's Book

Mike's got sum more 2 say abt his book:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, April, sometimes Deanna tries to hide things from me. You may go into a marriage thinking it’s about sharing everything and being open and honest; but a lot of a marriage actually is in the hiding. I was reminded of this just recently when I got my shipment of copies of my new novel Stone Season from my publisher Reiner and Browne. After my family got over its fascination with packing peanuts, we discovered there were 8 more books in that tiny box, which my son had not found.

Naturally I had to get on the phone immediately and tell people about the shipment and share the wealth with my closest friends. Of course, this was made a little difficult when I realized that Deanna had placed a bowl of fresh fruit on the kitchen counter and its similarity to my banana-shaped cell phone, detained me a little while until I realized which was the cell phone and which one was the oddly-shaped banana. I don’t know why Deanna bought those fruit. It’s not like Pattersons eat that kind of stuff.

Anyway, the first person I had to call was mom, since she edited my novel, so the editors at Reiner and Browne wouldn’t have to.

I said, “Mom! Mom said, “Mike. I need something to get Iris to relax and maybe have a good nap. Do you know of anything?” I said, “My book is out!” Mom said, “You mean your book is gay? No, wait. I understand now. That idea is perfect, Mike. That book will put anyone to sleep, even old tightly-wound Iris.” I said, “They sent me 10 copies!” Mom said, “I am not going to pay for it, Mike. I edited that thing, and I think that is payment enough. Just bring one over, the next time you come to eat out of my refrigerator.” I said, “I’ll get one over to you as soon as possible!”

That call reminded me it was close to supper time. However, I remained steadfast and the next person I called was my best, true friend in the whole world, Josef Weeder. I said, “Hello, Weed?” Weed said, “Look, man. Carleen’s voice does not sound like mine. What do you want?” I said, “Great news! My book is here!”
Weed said, “That was fast. What did they use for the cover---the house that doesn’t look like a sod house or the hunchbacked woman in a bonnet? I bet they used both, didn’t they?” I said, “Yeah, man—It looks great!” Weed said, “Look, man. I’d love to see it, but I’m not going to Milborough to get anywhere near that whacked-out family of yours.” I said, “I’ll bring you one!!” Weed said, “Great, man. Come by the apartment at 1 pm, when Carleen is out doing her hair.”

After talking to Weed, the next person to call was the main man of Milborough, the great Gordon Mayes. I decided to switch ears with the phone and use my left ear instead, and when I did that, I suddenly went to silhouette. I think because it was so dark, I didn’t even notice my lovely wife Deanna entering the room. However, I couldn’t stop my phone call to Gordon, just because of that.

I said, “Gordon!---It’s Mike!”Gordon said, “Mike who? Please let it not be Mike Patterson.” I said, “My book’s out!” Gordon said, “Crud!! It’s Mike Patterson. Now, Mike. I want you to listen to me carefully. Whatever you do, do not give me a copy of that book.” I said, “Of course you’re getting one!—A signed copy!!” Gordon said, “Great! When you come by to give it to me, could you come in the entrance marked ‘Danger! Killer dogs!”

That Gordon is always a joker. Now here’s the interesting part, formerly little sis. I switched the phone back to my right ear and the lights turned back on. It goes without saying that switching from one side to the other reminded me of my old buddy, Lawrence Poirier.

I said, “Hey, Lawrence! Guess what!” Lawrence said, “Mike. I am not lifting or carrying anything for you. I am not fixing your father’s roof for you. I am not recommending anyone to fix your father’s roof for you. I am done with it, Mike.”

Then I noticed my lovely Deanna picking up the box of books and walking away. I dropped the phone with Lawrence and chased after her. As she reached the second floor, I said, “What are you doing?” Deanna replied without even looking back over her shoulder (which is the usual Patterson woman stance), “Saving a few copies for US!” Then she was around the corner and the next I saw her, she didn’t have the box anymore. She had hidden it. I tried to find it, but when my wife wants to hide things from me, I can never find them.

I said to Deanna, “I thought our copies could be the two my son is playing with.” Deanna said, “Robin destroyed those copies in about 5 seconds. That left 8 copies, and then you were giving away 4 copies to your mom, Jo Weeder, Gordon Mayes and Lawrence. We need to keep 4 copies, just in case your grandparents or your Uncle Phil or your Auntie Bev might want one.” I almost laughed in her face. Those people are so far out of my life, I’ll probably never see them again. It wasn’t any problem to leave them out. However, sometimes you have to do what makes your wife happy, which is another way of saying, “I still can’t find those books she hid from me.”

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hey, Mike, speaking of your book. Something I thot U mite like 2 know--Merrie called me up yesterday 2 ask me 2 help her set up an eBay account 2 sell one of the copies Robin was playing w/yesterday. Namely, "the one that gots the front cover on the back and the back cover on the front." U mite wanna look in2 that, eh?

Apes

And . . . Flashback!

So, Mom and Connie started 2 tell a story from when Mom was young, Mike was a kindergartner, and Liz was a baby. They described Connie wearing a black coat with a white fur trim, white belt, poofy white hat, and white mittens. She had Lawrence w/her. Mom, holding Liz in a lil snowsuit, had a stippled jacket and skirt which transformed into a stippled trench coat during her conversation w/Connie. She also had on a big, poofy hat, and she had Mike w/her. Mike tried smiling @ Lawrence, but Lawrence kinda sulked.

NEway, they told Iris that Mom was all, "Hey, Connie! U look gr8! Another d8 2nite? --U lucky dog!! ..And I've got 2 go home 2 meatloaf, diapers--and a tired husband..." And Connie told Iris abt being like, "Wanna trade?"

I kinda remember Mom telling me this story B4. I kinda think that 2morrow's installment is gonna B Mom and Connie talking after Connie's d8, and how it didn't go v. well. Poor Iris. What has she done 2 deserve this next reminisce-a-thon?

Apes