The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes

Thérèse: a promise and an au revoir

Loox as tho Liz has prolly reached the end of the Thérèse bit of her story (unless Monday's gonna B her sharing w/Anthony what she an' Thérèse talked about @ the food ct):

April,

Well, as it turns out, Therese may be French but she does have some common sense and good manners, once we were done drinking our French drinks, we went out into the mall and Therese apologized to me for coming to Milborough to shop, then she said she hoped this would never happen, well, Therese was trying to leave but Frenchy was yanking on her nice clothes, yelling "Mama!", God, what a brat, so Therese told her to can it, that she had stuff to do an' she was gonna go now, an' she'd call sometime, an' they'd talk, well, as Therese went down the escalator, Frenchy yelled, "You promise?" and Therese said, "I promise," but we all knew she was a big fat liar, because she is a terrible mother who abandoned her child, well, just then Anthony came walking up, but Frenchy grabbed on to ME and hugged ME and started bawling into MY frumpy car coat, well I thought to myself, it is about time, and I hugged her and thought to myself how Frenchy finally realized that she should be grateful for her Patterson stepmom to be, because even though I am not her real mother, and I don't like her, I am HERE, and because I am a Patterson I know my duty is to grudgingly parent her even though I didn't really want her, like all proper Patterson mothers do with their oops babies and such, anyway, it was a very exciting turn of events, because it means stuff like:

1. this whole week isn't gonna be about Therese,

2. Frenchy is finally gonna stop being so annoying, and

3. I could still get engaged by the end of this story, or at least pre-engaged, you know, like if Anthony is so grateful that he buys me a blender or other future wife type gift for Christmas,

well that's all I guess, I'm sure you will be pleased to learn of how Therese got run out of town just like the sign at the edge of city limits promises we will do.

Liz

Poor Françoise. Look @ her parental choices. Her mother's 2 bizzy 4 her, her father is only interested in landing himself wife #2, and Liz is only interested in being wife #2 an' getting rid of Francie as fast as she can.

NEway, Jeremy, I dont' mind abt U posting that convo betw me an' my mom. I M just glad it did the trick in getting her 2 leave. I was v. embarrassed that she 8 all the food yr mom made 4 everybody. Good thinking 2 order pizza. And yay, Leafs!

Hey, and wanna come over this afternoon? Let's get our h'work dun and then play Sims! I figured out howta get the Sims 2 blog and design computer gamez. It's pretty cube. I have a Sim whose blog is more popular than mine, which is kinda humbling, eh?

Apes

Not wanting things

Liz posted what happed next after Francie ran up 2 Thérèse in the mall:

April,

Well, what I have to tell you next isn't good, so brace yourself, Frenchy wouldn't stop screaming "MOM! MOM!" even though Therese told her to shut up, finally Therese picked her up and said we should go somewhere quiet, so we went to a coffee house and Therese ordered three triple espressos for us, even Frenchy, which I thought was weird, but it must be a French thing, because she drank it, anyway, even though it looked like Frenchy had shrunk back to toddler size, she was still talking like a Ph.D., she said, "Mom, I haven't seen you for a long time!" and Therese said she'd been busy, and then Therese said she'd sent Frenchy some nice stuff, and didn't Frenchy like the stuff, and Frenchy said, "Yes, I guess so," and then she added, "But I don't want things, Mama! I want you!", and Therese looked kind of freaked out, and you are probably thinking what was I doing during this time, well, I was sitting there looking depressed, because that day was supposed to be all about me showing Anthony what an awesome wife I would be and now it was going to be all about how Therese was back and Frenchy wants her to come home and for them to be a family again, and for me to take a hike, ugh, it made me miss the days in college, when I had troubles then I would just do a bunch of Jello shots and go to sleep and when I woke up a few days later I couldn't remember my problems anymore, well, now Candace isn't around and I don't remember the recipe for Jello shots, and people think the lavender overalls/puke color turtleneck/animal print coat combo I picked out for Frenchy is bad, and I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED, my gravestone is gonna say "Here lies Miss Elizabeth Patterson, a big fat loser," augh, then I decided right then when I went home I would chug some drain cleaner like Shiimsa is always suggesting to me.

Liz

Aw, Liz, Anthony's not worth chugging drain cleaner over. So not worth it. B-sidez, Mom has been bustling around and saying she just knows "Elizabeth and Anthony will be xxchanging wedding vows next year--it's 'iffy' now--no it's not, ha-ha, made ya look!" Mom's been stranger than usual l8ly, but she seemz pretty confident things R gonna go the way U and she both want.

Apes

Enter Thérèse!

In the next bit of Liz's story abt her trip 2 the mall w/Anthony and Françoise, the plot thickens:

April,

Well, I hate to have to tell you this part, but here is where my wonderful tale of Elizabeth on the road to wifedom goes awry, I was walking Frenchy around, showing her stuff, like we saw these mechanical figures, and I was like, "Look at this elf! He's making a toy with his little hammer!" and Frenchy said, "What do you think I am, a bozo? I can see that with my own two eyes," so then I dragged her to the next mechanical figure, which was a reindeer, because I am not about to be undone in the showing how I can be a good stepmom department, and I said, "Look how Rudolph's nose! What color is it?" and Frenchy said, "Every moron in Canada knows that Rudolph's nose is red," and since she answered me a little nicer that time, I showed her the snowman, and pointed out how he moved and talked, but this time, Frenchy forgot to insult me, she was distracted, and I thought we were about to bond over a common problem with getting distracted, but then Frenchy excitedly said, "That's my mom over there, Elizabeth! That's my mom!" which kind of surprised me, since she abandoned Frenchy like a zillion years ago, how does Frenchy know what she looks like?, but she does, and I think this is proof that Frenchy is an evil sorceress, well, Frenchy took off running toward Therese, screaming, "MOM!" and naturally I charged after her, screaming, "Francie! Wait!" because nothing is more dangerous than running up to your mom in a sparsely populated shopping mall, well I could tell Therese was not pleased but Frenchy threw herself against Therese and stood on tiptoe so she could bury her face in Therese's crotch, what a totally weird way to greet your mom, but maybe that's how the French do it, I hear they're perverts, anyway, Therese looked very fashionable as usual, but of course she is nothing in comparison to my very frumpy wifely self, I was looking super wife-tastic that day, and I was surprised she is still living in Milborough because everyone knows Milborough is for family people only, there is even a sign at the city limits that says, "If you don't like kids and soul-crushing marriages, get out!!!", but there she was, so I said, "Hello Therese," while Frenchy took some deep smells of her crotch, and Therese said, "Hello Elizabeth" in her smirky way, and I thought to myself how there are lots of surprises this time of year, like how it doesn't make sense that Therese is still hanging around our town or that Frenchy recognizes her or that we all thought this week was going to be about me FINALLY GETTING ENGAGED but instead it is going to turn out to be about how Frenchy misses Therese or something, what a bore, besides, gah, what idiot doesn't prefer a Pattermom to a Frenchymom?, in spite of her appearing smartness I think Frenchy is a little retarded.

Liz

Dun-dun-DUN! Yeah, odd that Francie even knows what Thérèse looks like. I was v. curious 2 know what happed next, so I called up Liz an' asked, and she was like, "Tut tut, U know the rules 4 Patterson storytelling. Dribs and drabs, April. Dribs and drabs."

Apes

Trust me when I say, BWUH?

More abt Liz telling Candace a buncha stuff she heard abt Anthony and Thérèse.

Candace was all, "So, Y did she have a baby?" And Liz sed, "They'd bought a house. ...I guess she thot she cd buy in2 the whole domestic package!" OK, w8. No. They had the baby and THEN bought the house. This is what Anthony told Mom @ Thérèse's baby shower. Nice try, Lizard. NEway, then she told Candace, "Anthony was thrilled when Françoise was born, but Thérèse became depressed. She went back 2 work and left him w/the baby." Hm, shdn't she have been evaluated and treated 4 PPD (post-partum depression)? I'm surprised Candace didn't bring this up. I've heard of this, and I haven't even studied psych @ university. So, Liz continued w/"She spent more and more time @ work. Eventually she admitted she was having an affair with a co-worker. She asked 4 a divorce, and he agreed. She left him w/the house, the baby, and a lot of debt. ...He's only just started 2 trust again." Candace: "And.... he trusts U?" And then, according 2 Liz, "I gave her one of those meaningful looks and I told her, 'Trust me. ...He does."

OK, bwuh? That's how this retell ends? And what's that supposed 2 mean, that Liz and Anthony have made the beast with 2 backs in his Liz shrine bedroom? And what abt Thérèse's ability 2 trust a guy not 2 lust after an ex-girlfriend and try 2 push her in2 a mold she doesn't fit in (yeah, I know we're supposed 2 think THERESE tried 2 change ANTHONY and that her evil PARENTS R supposed 2 have pushed her towards motherhood and home ownership--but my memory hasn't been wiped out, eh?).

Sorry, Liz, U haven't made me like Anthony this week. Tho I feel loads of sympathy 4 Thérèse.

Wherein Candace chugs the Kool Aid

So, more abt Candace chit-chatting w/Liz abt Anthony and Thérèse's marriage. Liz told Anthony, "Anthony bought Gordon's house and fixed it up. Even tho he planned 2 sell it sumday, Thérèse wasn't happy. She wanted 2 live in the city." Candace was all, "Y didn't they work all that out B4hand?" And Liz sed, "I don't know, Candace." [In case Candace mighta 4gotten her own name 4 a mo there.] Then Liz continued with, "Her mom desperately wanted grandchildren, and her dad kept saying that a house was a gd investment. Being an only child, I think she did many things 4 their sake." Oh, w8, this is a total retcon, ppl. Every1 knows that ANTHONY was all abt having a baby. Oh, and look, T. is all messed up cuz of having been an only. Liz, I guess U better rush in and help Anthony save Françoise from the awful f8 of only-child syndrome.

NEway, Liz sez she folded her arms across her chest and told Candace, "So, there U go again.... U can't change ppl. U have 2 take them as they R." And Candace, chugging a mug that musta been filled with that special Corbeil Kool Aid, was all, "And eventually Thérèse took Anthony 4 all she cd get!" Bwuh? Did she go 2 a Patterson re-education camp? Cuz this doesn't sound like str8-shooting Candace, who C's thru the bull. Let's look @ the facts. Thérèse is the driven career woman, remember? She makes more money than Anthony did. She walked out and left Anthony the house and everything in it. How is that taking him 4 all she cd get? That makes no sense!

Apes