April's Real Blog

Friday, December 14, 2007

Not wanting things

Liz posted what happed next after Francie ran up 2 Thérèse in the mall:

Well, what I have to tell you next isn't good, so brace yourself, Frenchy wouldn't stop screaming "MOM! MOM!" even though Therese told her to shut up, finally Therese picked her up and said we should go somewhere quiet, so we went to a coffee house and Therese ordered three triple espressos for us, even Frenchy, which I thought was weird, but it must be a French thing, because she drank it, anyway, even though it looked like Frenchy had shrunk back to toddler size, she was still talking like a Ph.D., she said, "Mom, I haven't seen you for a long time!" and Therese said she'd been busy, and then Therese said she'd sent Frenchy some nice stuff, and didn't Frenchy like the stuff, and Frenchy said, "Yes, I guess so," and then she added, "But I don't want things, Mama! I want you!", and Therese looked kind of freaked out, and you are probably thinking what was I doing during this time, well, I was sitting there looking depressed, because that day was supposed to be all about me showing Anthony what an awesome wife I would be and now it was going to be all about how Therese was back and Frenchy wants her to come home and for them to be a family again, and for me to take a hike, ugh, it made me miss the days in college, when I had troubles then I would just do a bunch of Jello shots and go to sleep and when I woke up a few days later I couldn't remember my problems anymore, well, now Candace isn't around and I don't remember the recipe for Jello shots, and people think the lavender overalls/puke color turtleneck/animal print coat combo I picked out for Frenchy is bad, and I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED, my gravestone is gonna say "Here lies Miss Elizabeth Patterson, a big fat loser," augh, then I decided right then when I went home I would chug some drain cleaner like Shiimsa is always suggesting to me.

Aw, Liz, Anthony's not worth chugging drain cleaner over. So not worth it. B-sidez, Mom has been bustling around and saying she just knows "Elizabeth and Anthony will be xxchanging wedding vows next year--it's 'iffy' now--no it's not, ha-ha, made ya look!" Mom's been stranger than usual l8ly, but she seemz pretty confident things R gonna go the way U and she both want.


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  • At 7:30 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    That's right. Once Francie shapes up and realizes that Lis is 'better' because she's around more often, Therese will be forgotten. This is, of course, Milborough and that's how things work.

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Thérèse said…


    As I did yesterday, I will tell you more about the day when I ran into my daughter Françoise, and your sister Elizabeth, so you can hear my side of the story en plus de your sister’s.

    I was at the mall, doing my Christmas shopping and my daughter had run up to me and put her arms around me. After my daughter had finished with the hugging, your sister started leaning down to get her, and my daughter started shrieking, “Mom!! Mom!!” as if she was terrifié your sister would take her away. I had to lean down and pick up her to reassure her. I said, “Settle down, Françoise.” That is a trick with my daughter. She loves to hear her full name properly pronounced. It is très calmant to her. Your sister had a look on her face like she didn’t want me to do that; so I said, “Let’s go somewhere quiet.” This was so we could talk and avoid making a scene, in case your sister decided de faire les mauvais choix.

    On the way there, I had to wonder what kind of treatment my daughter had been getting from my ex-husband and this girlfriend to be so terrifié. Later I found out, Anthony had told my daughter some kind of idiot non-sens how Santa Claus would be mad at her if your sister was ever sad because she didn’t get something she wanted. Françoise is scared to do anything to upset your sister.

    There was a chocolate place just behind us, so we went there and ordered some boissons de chocolat chaud. Your sister said, “What’s that?” I said, “Boissons de chocolat chaud.” She said, “Is that some kind of French triple espresso?” I said, “Oui.” As if I would give a 2-year-old an espresso.

    After we sat down, my daughter said, “Mom, I haven’t seen you for a long time!” It was a difficult accusation to answer. I reached my arm out to touch my daughter to soothe her, and I could see your sister sitting with her back straight in her chair ready to act. I was afraid she was going to try and slap my hand away, but she did not. You see, April, there are some people who have said I have never spent any time with my daughter since Anthony and I got divorced, that I “threw her away or gave her away.” This is not true. I have visited my daughter often enough for her to know when it has been a long time since I last saw her. But what am I going to say to her with your sister right there? "Je fais des excuses, Françoise. But ever since your father started dating this woman sitting at the table with us, he can’t find a time in his schedule for me to see you any more.”

    So, I said, “I have sent you some nice things, though. Didn’t you like the things I sent?” When I said this, your sister put her head in her hand, and gave me a look which was the look I have been getting in this town ever since the first time I told people I didn’t want to be the primary caregiver for my child. “You are the woman. It is your job. Are you insane? Do you want people to think you are a villain?” I have a job where I have to travel, and I love my job. I see my daughter as often as I can, or I am allowed to. As I said, you can tell I am telling the truth, because my daughter knows when she hasn’t seen me in awhile.

    My daughter said in response to my question, “Yes. I guess so." and then she added, "But…I don't want things, Mama…I want you!!" I was stunned, April. My daughter was reaching out to me in le désespoir. What do you do in that kind of situation? I am not good at parenting, but my ex-husband and your sister are worse. I feared it would be like this. Anthony has toujours been obsessed with your sister, so he does not give anything else attention. He was like that, even on our wedding day. I feared when he would one day be with your sister, he would start ignoring our daughter for her. I can imagine what it is like for her, having to fight to get Anthony to take time away from trying to seduce your sister, so she can have someone do something simple like tuck her into her bed at night. Françoise wants the attention and love which she is not getting at home. She looks to me to save her; but that is not who I am.

    I will tell what I did to try to solve the problem, tomorrow.

    Au revoir,

  • At 1:29 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As mom has told us time and time again, the sign of a good parent is the time you spend with your children and not the gifts you give them. I often find it interesting that she usually says this around Christmas time or near our birthdays.

    My lovely Deanna had her 31st birthday yesterday, and mom was in her time-giving mood, so we got free baby-sitting, which mom said counted as both a birthday and Christmas gift for Deanna. We went to that restaurant in the mall, Shelly’s I believe is the name. All we Pattersons get a discount, because mom plugs the restaurant on her website. It’s a nice place to eat, plus if you sit by the window you can watch the moving snowman and the moving Christmas trees try to assault shoppers. We saw one yesterday where the snowman chased some teenaged boy all around the mall, before the security guards caught him and handcuffed him. It was quite entertaining, and I was surprised at the speed and dexterity of the snowman.

    Deanna said to me, “Michael, we haven’t seen my parents in a long time.” I said, “Well, we’ve been busy. A new house. A new book. We sent them some nice pictures of our kids though.” Deanna said, “But maybe they don’t want things. Maybe they want some time with us.” I said, “Deanna. When we lived in Toronto, your mom was constantly in our apartment. We threw your parents out of our apartment 3 times and they still wouldn’t take the hint. Now we live in Milborough, and they have never come to visit us. Let’s count our blessings and hope that maybe we never see them again.” Deanna said, “Michael, you don’t mean that.” I said, “I sure do. I haven’t seen my grandpa Will or my grandma Carrie or my aunt Bev or my uncle Danny since dad turned 50 in 1999. I haven’t seen them, or talked to them, or written them. That’s the Patterson way with relatives who don’t live in Milborough.” Deanna said, “Michael. My parents gave us $20K to help us buy our house, and your parents didn’t give us a thing except for all this nasty old furniture they didn’t want to move. We could at least invite them to see the house they helped us buy.” I said, “That’s the problem. ‘Time not gifts’. That’s the way.” Deanna said, “Well, if they just gave us time, we wouldn’t be living in this house.
    We needed the gift.” Well, this was about to turn into a big argument if we kept on going, so I agreed that if Deanna’s parents came to Milborough, we would spend time with them (not gifts). We’ll just have to wait until Christmas to see if they show up.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i think i have a solution 2 ur prob. maple leafs-thrashers @7:30. we watch it @my place & ur mom iz not nvited. i dunno wut got n2 ur mom w/all that “i needta spend tyme w/u, so i can show every1 wut a proper mom iz like” bizness. that kinda talk frum ur mom wud scare me 2. bring back the mom who kissed bein’ a parent away wen u turned 16 & who cudn’t bothah 2cu @the telethon. thass the elly patterson we know.

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u r prob rite, dc2.

    thérèse, thanx 4 writing in again. it is v. interesting 2 get yr side of the story.

    mike, it's true, mom totally gets in2 the whole "time not gifts" thing around the holidays.

    jeremy, thank u, thank u! i m going 2 come rite over, even tho we have a coupla hrs 2 go. weird how my mom just suddenly flipped from, like, 4getting who i m 2 putting the "mother" in "smother."


  • At 6:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s funny havin’ u ovah 2 the house & have dinner w/mom & step-dad. unfortun8ly, my mom iz 2 polite 2 kick ur mom out the door. next tyme she mite, since ur mom kinda 8 all the food 4 dinner. “serve the guest 1st”, sez my mom. i’m hungry but it wuz way worth it 2 hear my mom gasp everytyme ur mom poured the food directly frum the servin’ dish n2 her mouth. wen u get oldah, ru gonna get that kinda eatin’ power? i told mom u aren’t, cuz ur not like ur mom.

    i gotta say, tho, u r a genius wen 4 comin’ up w/that way 2 get rid of her. i guess u prolly know every kinda topic ur mom wud rather leave a house than talk ‘bout. but this 1 wuz rilly funny. i gotta tell it. sorry, if u don’t want me 2:

    april: mom. wudya think ‘bout wen anthony & liz r gonna get married?
    ur mom: well, it’s prolly gonna happ sumtyme next year, but it’s “iffy” {then ur mom starts w/the sticky-out tongue laffin’}
    my step-dad: hey, watch it w/the spit!
    my mom: elly, rilly!
    april: well, mom. it duz mean ur gonna inherit a granddaughter by default.
    ur mom: yes, april. but u know i put the “grand” in “grandma”, so it will not b ne prob.
    april: ru gonna start learnin’ french?
    ur mom: wut? wut r u talkin’ ‘bout?
    april: so u can talk 2 ur granddaughter in her native tongue. u know u gotta do it, cuz she’z gonna teach merrie & robin howta do it. if u don’t learn, then it wud be like they cud have all kinds of convos where u wudn’t know wut they were sayin’.
    ur mom: mike’s kids r 2 st00pi...i mean 2 yung 2 learn french.
    april: well, they prolly won’t be ne good @it, but they will still prolly b able 2 talk 2 thérèse’s ‘rents wen they come ovah 4 xmas or thanksgivin’ & stuff.
    ur mom: wut? they won’t come ovah. anthony iz not married 2 that girl ne more.
    april: well, little francie iz their only grandkid, so they prolly will come 2c her. mebbe they’ll bring sum othah relativez & u can have a whole house full of peeps talkin’ french. wudn’t that be gr8?
    ur mom: i gotta go have a talk w/elizabeth rite now.
    april: well, if u do, u mite wanna tell her that wen her cat, shiimsa, tells her to chug sum drain cleaner, cuz anthony hazn’t proposed yet, she mite not wanna do it.
    ur mom: omg, i need 2 tell liz not 2 talk 2 her cat. bye!

    neway, it wuz funny. oh, i think the pizza iz here. i’ll get it!

  • At 10:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    leafs 4, thrashers 0. whoo hoo!!

  • At 2:26 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, as it turns out, Therese may be French but she does have some common sense and good manners, once we were done drinking our French drinks, we went out into the mall and Therese apologized to me for coming to Milborough to shop, then she said she hoped this would never happen, well, Therese was trying to leave but Frenchy was yanking on her nice clothes, yelling "Mama!", God, what a brat, so Therese told her to can it, that she had stuff to do an' she was gonna go now, an' she'd call sometime, an' they'd talk, well, as Therese went down the escalator, Frenchy yelled, "You promise?" and Therese said, "I promise," but we all knew she was a big fat liar, because she is a terrible mother who abandoned her child, well, just then Anthony came walking up, but Frenchy grabbed on to ME and hugged ME and started bawling into MY frumpy car coat, well I thought to myself, it is about time, and I hugged her and thought to myself how Frenchy finally realized that she should be grateful for her Patterson stepmom to be, because even though I am not her real mother, and I don't like her, I am HERE, and because I am a Patterson I know my duty is to grudgingly parent her even though I didn't really want her, like all proper Patterson mothers do with their oops babies and such, anyway, it was a very exciting turn of events, because it means stuff like:

    1. this whole week isn't gonna be about Therese,

    2. Frenchy is finally gonna stop being so annoying, and

    3. I could still get engaged by the end of this story, or at least pre-engaged, you know, like if Anthony is so grateful that he buys me a blender or other future wife type gift for Christmas,

    well that's all I guess, I'm sure you will be pleased to learn of how Therese got run out of town just like the sign at the edge of city limits promises we will do.



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