April's Real Blog

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Francie FTW

Liz had another story 2 share abt her recent "d8" w/Anthony:
Okay, so, yesterday I gave you the idea I already left Anthony's house before he had his clause and effect conversation with Frenchy, well, that was what Anthony thought, but actually I was still in his front hallway, eavesdropping, and when Anthony called me on my cell phone to tell me about how he tricked Frenchy, I was really standing in his front hallway in the dark, well eventually Anthony came out to check if the front door was locked and he saw me standing there, and I did not want to admit the truth, that I had forgot the way to get home, how embarrassing, it happens to me all the time but people always look at me weird when I say that, so I said, "I was having some trouble getting my coat zipped," because that sounds more better, and Anthony seemed to think that was a okay answer, because he didn't say anything, he just asked me again if I wanted to have a sleepover, and I said, "No, I am saving myself for my wedding night," and Anthony said, "We'll sleep head to toe," and I said, "But all the sexy parts will still line up!" and Anthony said, "So you weren't waiting here in the dark to surprise me with some 'midnight delight'?" and I said "No, I didn't bring any desserts with me, and besides, I still have papers to grade," and Anthony hugged me really tight and we said our polite goodnights and see you tomorrows, and I felt something hard poking me in the stomach, and it was really annoying, I said, "Anthony, your iPod is poking me," and Anthony said, "That isn't my iPod," so I said, "I'd better go," and Anthony said, "Yes, you'd better go," but he wouldn't stop gripping my arms really hard, so I said, "I'll be going then," to remind him I was going, and he said okay, and we hugged goodbye again, and then I asked him, "Oh Anthony, why is it so hard for me to leave?" because I wanted him to get the hint and stop grabbing on to me so hard, but just then, that evil brat Frenchy, who never sleeps and is always watching, came in the hall with her baby doll and said, "I think you hafta open the door," really snotty like, but for once I didn't care, because I thought Frenchy's butting in would get me out of there with my secondary virginity intact, because I know Anthony will never engagement me if he thinks he can have my milk for free, at least that's what Mom and Dee tell me.

LOLOLOL! Sorry, what Francie sed kinda cracked me up. Hey, Liz, remember that time U 4got how 2 use the doorknob an' U cdn't leave the house 'til Dad opened the door an' let U out? And ew, so don't wanna think abt Anthony's not-iPOD!


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  • At 7:31 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Oh, good grief. Insecure much, Lizzie? You'd have to be a panicky idiot to assume that the dull guy with the accent-mark child would let anything stop him from marrying her and living a blissful life of standing around squirming. It's even more annoying because he assumes she wouldn't be thrilled to have a 'rebellious' child so she could know the happiness of nailing herself to a cross.

  • At 8:00 AM, Blogger Ellie said…

    It wasn't his iPod, it was his miniature telescope for the astronomy club. I heard from a guy who knows a girl who knows Therese that Anthony is featureless down there, like a Ken doll. Francie is just some baby she stole to get her then-husband off her back.

  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, ellie. yeah, i'm not surprised 2 hear that kinda rumour abt anthony.

    dc2, thoze 2 r hopeless, but i feel v. bad 4 francie.


  • At 9:47 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    What makes Liz all the more pathetic is that she'll blame Françoise for making her fat when she chased away the woman that carried her.

  • At 7:43 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I am sorry you had to have repeated to you that awful dialogue of Anthony and Elizabeth’s. I gave him a very romantic scrip to follow for his post-dinner and post-put-the-kid-to-bed conversation. It started off with talking about my book, and how much Sheilagh Shaugnessey was like Anthony, and how his ex-wife was like Harvey Rood, and how much the Lizardbreath was like Wilm deGroot, the man who teaches Sheilagh about love after she leaves Harvey Rood to die in the snow. That way not only would Anthony come off as romantic, but as a literary genius, and you know how girls go for that kind of thing.

    Well, obviously Anthony lost the script again. I suspect it might have had something to do with the fact that I snuck in a little part which said, “Will you marry me, Elizabeth?” and maybe Anthony intentionally lost it. Unfortunately, I also told Anthony if he ever got into a pickle talking to Elizabeth, the best thing to do was to repeat everything she said, because it makes her feel like (a) you’re listening to what she is saying and (b) it bolsters her otherwise sagging confidence to believe that you think what she is saying is important.

    As you can tell, this is clearly what Anthony did after he “lost” my script. As you can also tell from what he was repeating, Elizabeth is not that much of a sparkling conversationalist with her odd farewell love language. If Liz continues to tell her story next week, hopefully I can slip Anthony a better script, so it won’t be so painful. Honestly, without a proper script, those two talk like something written by a demented 60-year-old woman, who hadn’t experienced romantic love in over 30 years.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I enjoyed seeing you and Jeremy and your two friends, Gordie and Vickie at the ice-skating rink yesterday evening, when I was there with my wife and two daughters. I hope your friend Gordie is all right and that fall over the side of the ice-skating rink wall landing in the popcorn machine did not hurt him too much. Why anyone would wear motorized ice skates to a public ice-skating rink I don’t know, but at least he got up after his fall.

    Oh, and by the way, keep the book as long as you need it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:09 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i just went by hospital & they sed they let gordie out this afternoon w/a couple of broken ribs. i told my mom wen we got back we had gone 2 hospital & i think she wuz relieved it wuzn’t me gettin’ injured. she still thinks the more tyme i spend w/u, the more likely i am gonna b there.

    neway, she asked ‘bout the mark on my neck & i just sed, “oh mom. thass #127.” she didn’t know wut i wuz talkin’ ‘bout, & made me put ice on it.

    i know it wuz kinda mbarrassin’ 2 have ur friend howard walk up 2 us while we were kissin’ & say, “april, i thot i taught u better’n this” & then he looked confused & sed, “didn’t i teach u how 2 kiss properly? i can’t remembah nemore.” then his wife came up & sed, “howard. we r not teaching miss patterson proper kissing technique in fronta our girls.” then he sed, “well, beatrice. all she’s been doin’ w/jeremy is just the lean over & kiss style, the girl puts hand on chest while boy puts arms around style , the girl puts arms around his neck, while the boy puts his arms around her back style, or the patterson butt grab, lift & kiss . u wud think she had been takin’ lessons frum watchin’ her sister & anthony caine, it wuz so awful. it’s distractin’ & obviously april needs help.” but beatrice sed, “no. howard. not in fronta our girls.” howard looked perturbed and then he sed, “w8 here” & wen he got back he handed u that book, “201 different kisses, so people think you’re in love and not some stiff and boring couple a 60-year-old woman is trying to force together against your will.” kinda long title.

    neway, aftah he left & we hadda little tyme, it wuz rilly fun kinda xxperimentin’. i don’t wanna say how we were kissin’ b4 wuz bad, but sum of thoze othah kinds of kisses were pretty good.” netime u wanna try a new 1, i am definitely reddy.

  • At 8:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the book, howard. it's awesum!

    jeremy, i m glad gordie is ok. let's work on #'s 27, 36, 79, 92, and 104 l8r, ok?


  • At 2:39 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Tonight at dinner, my lovely wife Deanna said to me, “Mike. I think the kids might be old enough to hear the ‘drug’ speech.” I said to her, “What drug speech?” She said, “Well, Michael. It’s where the parents tell the children about drugs, and which ones are illegal and legal and how they are not supposed to be used unless you have a prescription and permission from your pharmacist.” I said to my wife, “The kids aren’t old enough to be exposed to drugs.” My wife said, “Michael Patterson, we have drug addicts come into the pharmacy every day to try to convince us to give them illegal drugs, and some of them are only 3 years old.” I said, “We’ve been through this before. Françoise Caine is not a drug addict. She’s just overly smart for her age.” Deanna said, “Mike, I brought home some literature. You read and prepare yourself for the talk.”

    So, I did. There were a lot of good drugs listed in the material that I have never trie…I mean that I have never heard of. However, when I was reading about the effects of Nitrous oxide, and how dentists often use it, I suddenly remembered something that happened during my youth that makes more sense today, than it did back then.

    I remember the lady who works in dad’s clinic, Jean Baker, I think, came to visit mom and she was talking about dad. She said, “Elly. I saw John working on a small black boy, while he was screaming bloody, murder. John had a strange look on his face as he did dental work on him, while at the same time he had the boy’s body pinned down with his right arm. Then I saw John chop off one of a little blonde girl’s pigails and said, ‘Are we not going to see that lovely smile, Melissa?’ Then I saw John after he had hurt a patient, whom we all knew was a man who was accustomed to giving himself his own haircuts and grabbing people by their shirts, say, ‘Certainly…by all means let me know if you feel any pain!’ Then I had to tell him, ‘Those supplies you needed immediately have been backordered till next month, John.’ The whole time he has this odd grin on his face.”

    Jean Baker continues, “Then I saw John hallucinating by this old lady that her breath was producing garlic and onions. Then I saw him deal with a lady with the baby that bites, and he said, ‘…and let’s just keep him home till he’s over this biting habit.’ Then I saw him go into his car at the end of the day, and honk the horn as he prepared to head out into traffic. The whole time he had this weird smile on his face. What was he like when he came home?”

    Then I remember mom saying, “Oh, the same as usual. He growled and made some kind of sexist remark.” Then I remember when I was young, interrupting that conversation and saying, “No he didn’t. I was looking out the window. I said, ‘Mom. Mom. Daddy’s home.’ Then I opened the door for him and said, ‘Hi Daddy.’ Then he just “Growl”-ed so loud my hair went back off my forehead. There wasn’t any kind of sexist remark.” Mom disagreed, and so I demurred. But then Jean Baker said, “Well, I just thought I would point it out because we have been missing some Nitrous oxide in the office, and Dr. Patterson has been spending more and more time in the supply cabinet between patients. And he smiles a whole lot these days at work.”

    Mom said, “Smiling and then growling when someone comes home is a time-honoured tradition in the Patterson family household.” I guess that meant if dad had to stop growling, then mom would have to stop growling too. However, Jean Baker, just left in a huff and said, “I just thought I would let you have a chance to put a stop to this; but I can see you don’t care.” Later I remember mom talking to dad about Jean Baker and the strange habits of circus folk.

    But now I know this new information about Nitrous oxide, that story makes a little more sense to me now.

    Michael Patterson


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