April's Real Blog

Friday, December 07, 2007

Who claused this?

Liz wrote in 2 say this:

When I got home that night, Anthony called me up and told me how he tricked his brat kid into letting us still date, he asked Frenchy, "So, you don't want me to be with anyone else?" and Frenchy said no so Anthony said, "That's too bad, I told Elizabeth we would meet her tomorrow for supper, shopping, and Santa," and that brat shrieked, "I wanna see Santa!" and Anthony told her I would cry if they went without me, so Frenchy said I could go, then Anthony told me how he made a mental pun about "Clause and Effect" which is a triple pun because of clause and cause but also clause and Claus like Santa, and we laughed until we both wet our pants at that, and then I asked Anthony, "Doesn't it bother you that Frenchy doesn't like me?" and Anthony was confused, he said, "Why would it, I don't let little things like that stop me when I have a good idea, remember, I didn't want to marry Therese, but I didn't let that stop me! And Therese didn't want to have a baby, but I didn't let that stop me! It's no big deal that my daughter doesn't want a stepmother--it'll all work out in the end!" and I said, "Yes, excellent idea," because I hope that means he is going to propose for Christmas, there is nothing I'd like better than a giant diamond for a present, and also, since he doesn't care if Frenchy likes me or not, I think it means Anthony will be okay with us sending Frenchy to boarding school, heck, it is doing her a favor anyway, I told some people at school how Frenchy is only two but looks much much older, and the science teacher got all serious and said, "Oh, that's sad, progeria is a serious disease," and I said, "Prowhatia?" and the science teacher told me it sounds like Frenchy has this terrible disease that makes a person grow old way before her time, and that Frenchy probably won't live to be older than 15, and by then, she will be like a ancient old lady, so I said to the science teacher, "I guess Frenchy should have adventures while she can?" and the teacher agreed, so really, we shouldn't hold her back, we should let her leave home for boarding school so she gets a life experience that would be kind of like college, or heck, she could just run away from home or whatever it takes to make her have adventures before she sadly dies of this super convenient disease.

Liz, I think that teacher musta assumed that Francie is already lookin' like a shriveled-up old person. I've seen sum of those progeria peeps on TV B4, and they always look like tiny Grandpa Jims and Irises. Francie doesn't have that. She's more like sum 60-yo woman who can't B bothered 2 keep up w/proper child growth and development is in charge of how she looks and acts. Esp. since her size even changes from 1 moment 2 another, according 2 pix I have seen of her.

B-sides, if Francie DID have an illness like that, she'd need her fam more than ever, not being tossed out 2 boarding school or encouraged 2 run away!


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  • At 7:12 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, this answers two questions in the affirmative. The first one is 'Can Anthony sink any lower as a parent and human being?' and the second, 'Can Liz be any more of a viciously selfish cretin?'

  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Please disregard question number two. It should be 'Can Liz be a bigger sucker?' She may not realize this but she's about to spend the rest of her life as Mrs. Blandthony playing the heavy. The greasy shnook will get what he wants by using her as a threat: "Do what I say or your mother will blah-blah-blah!" I'd feel sorry for her but she walked into it of her own free stupid will.

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, the only things liz cares abt rite now are getting an engagement ring, getting married, and getting pregnant. then sending poor francie off 2 boarding school. ne warnings abt what life w/anthony is likely 2 b like go in one liz ear and out her nostrils.


  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, weird convo ur sis & ur future bil r havin’. i remembah 1 tyme wen i wuz w/my dad & we hadda similar convo ‘bout whethah or not hiz slutty gf wuz gonna b w/us 2 see santa. ‘course my dad coulda cared less if i wunted her w/us or not. dad & this girl got loaded @dinner & when we went 2c santa, she jumped in santa’s lap b4 i did & they hadda call security on her & neway, long story short iz mom hadda pick me up @the police station & told my dad he wuz nevah takin’ me 2c santa again. santa may not like seein’ peeps cry, but there wuz a lotta cryin’ goin’ on that xmas.

    neway, leafs 6, rangers 2. a gr8 nite again w/u. i know u sed u wanted 2 go ice-skatin’ 2nite w/gordie duroccher & vicki simone, cuz it wuz 1 of the few tymes this year gordie has not been in hospital. i’m not so good @couples d8in’, so i hope i don’t mbarrass u 2 much. i know ur kinda lookin’ 2 develop relationships outside of ur band, since u guys don’t talk 2 each othah az much since ur band broke up. i always thot vicki & gordie were pretty cube, so it shud b ok.

  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. What a list you have for the only things our sister cares about. There is more to life than getting an engagement ring, getting married, getting pregnant, and sending your half-Quebecoise child off to a boarding school so she can learn the way of the half-Quebecoise. Obviously you are forgetting that she has to get pregnant more than once, possibly even more than that to balance out her Patterson kids with the half-Quebecoise kid.

    And besides that, there is the issue of her career. As a Patterson school teacher, she is clearly deserving of the highest recognition possible for being a Patterson and being a teacher. There is the Ministry of Education’s Premier’s Award for Teaching Excellence in the New Teacher of the Year category. You have to have less then 3 years of teaching experience to qualify and although it may appear that since Elizabeth is in her 4th year of teaching, I think everyone will agree those 2 years she was in the Northwest don’t qualify as actual teaching. In fact, everyone was pretty sure Elizabeth would have won last year, if it weren’t for taking off work the months of October, November and February for the Howard Bunt trial. I think she has a shot of winning it this year, unless she takes off January and February from school for wedding preparation.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My wife, Beatrice Alfarero decided to go for the free bunk bed from Tracey Mayes. The price was right and it wasn’t in that bad a shape, even though it had been owned by Paul Mayes. While she was picking it up, Beatrice said to Tracey how remarkably well-behaved her children Paul and Rosemary were. Tracey said to Beatrice she could say the same about our girls María and Ana. Beatrice said thanks, of course. Then Tracey said to Beatrice, “You must not be following the book. It’s a bold move not to follow it; but I have found life to be so much better when I don’t.” Beatrice said she agreed, but then I had to ask, “What book?”

    Beatrice said that when she moved to Milborough she received a book entitled, “So You Want to be a Parent in Milborough?” she got from the Johnston Institute for Better Living in her “Welcome to Milborough” package. She showed it to me. In the book were all kinds of advice about proper parenting. Let me write a few of the chapter titles for you:

    Baby Gates, Are They Necessary, When Falling Down Stairs Is Not That Dangerous?
    12 Easy Ways To Avoid Saying “No” To Your Child
    Santa Claus: A Toy-Giving Nightmare Or A Disciplinarian’s Best Friend?
    Lip Collagen: When Your Baby Girl Is Not Sexy Enough
    Screaming At Kids And How To Maximize Your Volume
    All Teenagers Are Angst-Ridden, Drug-Ridden, Flea-Ridden Criminals
    16 Years Old: The Year Of Parental Freedom

    Beatrice told me, “This book is horrible, Howard, and yet so many parents in Milborough follow the rules in it.” I said, “Now it all makes sense.” When I looked at the book carefully, I noticed a legal notice in extremely tiny print, so tiny I had to use a magnifying glass to read it. It said, “The advice in this book was written by a young mother with little parenting experience and even less common sense. Any injuries, real or imagined, which come as a result of following the advice in the book is not the responsibility of the Johnston Institute for Better Living.”

    I thought you might find this discovery to be interesting, or perhaps a little depressing, all things considered.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, if mom is a patterson (and i think u wd insist that she is), wdn't it follow that once liz married anthony, she wd become a caine?

    and even if liz was a big ol' slacker when she was supposta b teaching up in mtig, i think that time wd still "count."

    howard, def. depressing. i wish my parents had ignored that horrible book, and mayB followed the advice in the baby book, by dr. william sears.

    jeremy, i think sk8ing w/vicks an' gordie will b fun. i wdn't worry.


  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It’s a good thing you don’t make up the rules for awards. As I understand it, the award officials investigated it and I am sure they made the right decision as whether what Liz did in that place in the Northwest was teaching or not.

    As for whether or not the Lizardbreath will become a Caine after she marries Anthony, that’s a tricky question. You have obviously not discussed this subject with your sister. However, the nuts and bolts of the discussion have to do with the fact that there was a Mrs. Caine married to Anthony before, and no one would to mistake our Liz for her, just because of a similar last name.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, gordie iz a madman. & lemme c if i can say this rite this tyme. vicki haz a nice sk8in’ outfit, & she looks good in it, but u look bettah. i think i sed that rite this tyme. oh, & sorry i fell down on top of u. i know gordie sed we shud get a room, but it wuz an accident, eh?

  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, liz sez that the award officials invstig8ed, like u sed. they xxamined her teaching-employment records and interviewed her former and current employers. and they determined that having had a time when she was employed as a teacher but doing activities that don't "qualify as teaching" doesn't mean she shd b counted as having fewer yrs of teaching, and therefore b eligible 4 a "new teacher award," but only that she'd dun a v. poor job. and that if there were a "worst new teacher award," she wda had a gd chance, while she was still new, neway.

    jeremy, omg, what's gordie doing now?!?!?!


  • At 12:22 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Okay, so, yesterday I gave you the idea I already left Anthony's house before he had his clause and effect conversation with Frenchy, well, that was what Anthony thought, but actually I was still in his front hallway, eavesdropping, and when Anthony called me on my cell phone to tell me about how he tricked Frenchy, I was really standing in his front hallway in the dark, well eventually Anthony came out to check if the front door was locked and he saw me standing there, and I did not want to admit the truth, that I had forgot the way to get home, how embarrassing, it happens to me all the time but people always look at me weird when I say that, so I said, "I was having some trouble getting my coat zipped," because that sounds more better, and Anthony seemed to think that was a okay answer, because he didn't say anything, he just asked me again if I wanted to have a sleepover, and I said, "No, I am saving myself for my wedding night," and Anthony said, "We'll sleep head to toe," and I said, "But all the sexy parts will still line up!" and Anthony said, "So you weren't waiting here in the dark to surprise me with some 'midnight delight'?" and I said "No, I didn't bring any desserts with me, and besides, I still have papers to grade," and Anthony hugged me really tight and we said our polite goodnights and see you tomorrows, and I felt something hard poking me in the stomach, and it was really annoying, I said, "Anthony, your iPod is poking me," and Anthony said, "That isn't my iPod," so I said, "I'd better go," and Anthony said, "Yes, you'd better go," but he wouldn't stop gripping my arms really hard, so I said, "I'll be going then," to remind him I was going, and he said okay, and we hugged goodbye again, and then I asked him, "Oh Anthony, why is it so hard for me to leave?" because I wanted him to get the hint and stop grabbing on to me so hard, but just then, that evil brat Frenchy, who never sleeps and is always watching, came in the hall with her baby doll and said, "I think you hafta open the door," really snotty like, but for once I didn't care, because I thought Frenchy's butting in would get me out of there with my secondary virginity intact, because I know Anthony will never engagement me if he thinks he can have my milk for free, at least that's what Mom and Dee tell me.



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