April's Real Blog

Monday, December 03, 2007

Back to Liz/Anthony

Liz is v. happy cuz we R back 2 a Liz/Anthony story. Here's what she has 2 say:

Yay, we are finally back to my turn!, anyway, I brought Anthony one of Mike's free books because Mom made a list of people we hadn't collected compliments from yet and said it was my job to collect some compliments from Anthony, anyway, so I took the book over to his house one night after Frenchy was in bed, and told him he had to read it right then, well of course after reading the first few words Anthony immediately said, "Your brother writes well, Elizabeth," in the very formal way he does now that we are Polite Dating, and I acknowledged his compliment properly by thanking him, as I am a Patterson I am authorized to accept compliments on behalf of all other Pattersons, then I checked some of the things Mom told me I could say in response to a compliment, I wrote them down on my hand, anyway, I picked the one about how Mike has always been a good writer because the other ones were all blurred from my palms sweating, I was nervous, it has been awhile since I got to be the focus of a real-time love life story line, anyway, just as I thought we might get down to some serious complimenting business, Frenchy popped out and started to shriek bratty-like that she wanted to see the book, which at first I thought was stupid because she is only supposed to be like 2 years old, but when I saw her it made more sense, because her aging is going so fast now, she looks like she is 6 and talks like it too, also she is advanced in brattiness, but that is only to be expected because of who her mom is, being French-Canadian is a terrible handicap, and you can tell that Frenchy is meant to be thought of as handicapped because she looks a lot like Shannon Lake, anyhow, before I knew it, Frenchy was horning in between me and Anthony, being a romance speed bump and insisting Anthony was hers all hers, and I tried to sweeten her up by asking if I could sit with them, but Frenchy said I could only sit on the other part of the couch, well, let me tell you, I almost gave her a good old fashioned Patterson drowning in the creek of children we do not really want, but then I remembered that soon I will be the stepmother and I can send her to boarding school, I can't wait.

Liz, watch out. I have a feeling the pt of all this is going 2 B it's not as EZ 2 win over Francie as U thot it wd B when U suggested the ice cream way back when. U mite wanna nix the boarding-school talk 4 a while, eh?

And sorry 2 hear U hadta compliment Mike. It alwayz makes my teeth hurt when I hafta do that, and Dad sez there is nuthing a dentist can do 4 that kinda tooth pain.


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  • At 11:02 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I think maybe seeing Suds and Chipper together last January jarred something loose in Liz's noggin. The woman who went up to Mtigwhatever didn't care one way or another for Mike's book, I know that much. She got blindsided and suddenly Mike, the same Mike who she hated for messing up her childhood, is a misunderstood demigod? The cheese, as Hawkeye would say, has slipped off her cracker.

  • At 11:43 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Amazon River catfish, I have glanced through my copies of James Fenimore Cooper’s The Pioneers, The Last of the Mohicans, The Prairie, The Pathfinder, and The Deerslayer; and I don’t seem to be able to find the spot where Hawkeye says, “The cheese has slipped off her cracker.” Can you tell me the spot, oh literate fishy one?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    M*A*s*H? The television show? From the seventies....Oh, wait... I'm not surprised you've never heard of it. The guy from Scientific American frontiers used to use a lot of language your mom wouldn't have approved of.

  • At 4:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Well, catfish. M*A*S*H seems to me to be 4 letters with some curse words mixed in, but I am told it was a popular television show from the time I was born in 1976 to about 7 years later. I think you are quite right my parents would not have liked me to watch a show like that when I was young. Apparently, mother and father catfish have a different opinion about what their little baby catfish can watch.

    As to what that televion show had to do with James Fenimore Cooper and cheese on crackers, I don't know. With those curse words in the title, I am sure I probably don't want to know.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur sis haz the same prob my dad usedta have wenevah he came ovah 2 visit me aftah he left me w/mom. he wuz nevah ‘round & so ne time he spent w/mom wuz like he wuz robbin’ me. mom hadda work, so i hardly saw her during the day. wen dad wunted tyme w/me, it wuz rilly tyme away frum mom & i h8ed it. ‘course dad b-ing drunk or playin’ w/his band mosta the tyme didn’t help either.

    monday thru friday, anthony’s girl iz @a sitter; so the only tyme she gets w/anthony iz wen he gets off work. thass gotta b dinner & then str8 2 bed, cuz she’s only 3 (evn if she looks like she’z 6). then on the weekends, ur sis goez out on d8s w/anthony. u’ve told me once how they went 2 dinner & checked off their romance lists & once how ur sis & anthony went drivin’ off 2gethah. since his kid izn’t on those d8s, thass more tyme w/a sitter or his ‘rents. thass more tyme ur sis haz w/anthony that he duzn’t have w/his kid. i mean, it isn’t like ur sis iz takin’ her laundry ovah 2 anthony’s 2 do it, so she can get tyme w/his kid.

    u can tell frum wut she wrote & frum the way she acts, she iz not innerested in that kid @all.

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know when I married Beatrice Alfarero, her daughters were jealous of any time Beatrice spent with me and not with them. The obvious solution was to make enough of our activities family activities, to eliminate that jealousy. Besides, once they found out their new daddy, was an expert at making chocolate desserts, the balance of power shifted and María and Ana are jealous when I spend time with Beatrice and not them. I would suggest making chocolate to your sister, if I thought she could make anything in the kitchen aside from Kraft dinner and Oreos.

    As near as I can tell, your sister is not the slightest bit interested in establishing a relationship with Anthony Caine’s daughter. I see them all 3 of them from time-to-time in the park, when I am out there with María and Ana. The little girl goes out to play and occasionally says things like, “Daddy! Watch me!” as she does some stunt on a swing or climbing gym. All the while, Anthony and your sister ignore her and keep their own conversation. I guess it’s going to be boarding school for little Françoise Caine. Poor girl.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, believe it or not, françoise is not even 3 yet. she turns 3 in march 2008.

    mike, if u check out imdb.com, u will c that m*a*s*h was a tv show based on the novel by richard hooker and the 1970 movie starring donald southerland and elliott gould. the character whose full name is benjamin franklin pierce is known as hawkeye cuz his dad luvved cooper's the last of the mohicans (it was the only book he ever read). hawkeye was played by donald southerland in the movie and by alan alda in the tv series.

    m*a*s*h stands for "mobile army surgical hospital" and it's set at one during the korean war.

    howard, i think it is sad that liz has no interest in francie. francie deserves a step-mother who really cares abt her. mayB liz will come around. i hope so.


  • At 7:21 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It took you a long time to get to the answer but I am glad you finally did. The Last Of The Mohicans is the answer. Of course. I remember it now. Hawkeye and Magua are discussing Alice Munro, and Hawkeye says, “The cheese has slipped off her cracker.” I think Alice was a sloppy eater or something like that. Thanks for finally explaining that bizarre comment by the Amazon River catfish.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:31 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, all i gotta say is if françoise is not even 3, then she’z gonna b a giant wen she grows up. thass gonna b rilly intimid8in’ wen ur sis hazta deal w/a daughter who’s prolly gonna tower ovah her. ‘course if ur sis gets her way & sends her 2 boardin’ skool, then i guess she duzn’t hafta worry ‘bout that. just mebbe worry ‘bout havin’ 2 get specially made skool clothes.

    i hafta finish up sum work 4 my mom, but i’ll cu @8. wut r we studyin’ 2nite, histry or english?

  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It would be nice to think that your sister will develop an interest in doing a good job raising Francie. Given her history with school-teaching, I expect the only way it would happen is if Francie decides she is going to be the class clown, and make jokes about every silly thing your sister says. Those types seem to be her favourite in her classes, so perhaps the same would apply for being her daughter. I hate to say it, but if Francie learns to pun, your sister may learn to love.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, no, i was just xxplaining that the book/movie/tv character was nicknamed 4 james fenimore cooper's character. or @ least he was nicknamed 4 the character's nickname. otherwise he wda been benjamin franklin "nathaniel 'natty' bumppo" pierce. but neway, dreadcandiru2 meant sumthing that the tv character called hawkeye wd say, not sumthing that happened in last of the mohicans. and the comment wasn't supposed 2 b taken literally. it was supposta b a way of suggesting that liz has, like, snapped or sumthing (and pls don't do the annoying mike thing and take "snapped" literally, like sumthing that happens 2 a twig or a pair of trousers, k?).

    howard, gah, i h8 2 think that ne1 shd pun, but u mite have a pt abt francie an' punning.

    jeremy an' i have been studying english, but we r taking a break.


  • At 12:25 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Okay, so the next thing what happened was that Anthony tried to correct Bratty Frenchy's rude ways by saying I was sitting on the couch first, but I of course had to show Anthony that I would be a good stepmom so I didn't say Yeah have good manners or I'm sending you to boarding school, instead I said I would clear our cocoa cups but instead of going to the kitchen I listened in, and that brat Frenchy started complaining why come I'm over their house all the time, and Anthony said he likes sharing things with me, and I mentally giggled because mostly what he likes to try to share with me is in his pants, and I keep having to tell him not until the wedding night because I am a virgin*, and then Frenchy told him something like she should share that stuff with her, and I almost giggled out loud, because that would be illegal by what we learned in school, and Anthony tried to tell her he needs a big girl for that stuff, which I almost got mad about, okay so I don't weigh 125 but I am not totally fat, I don't have my own postal code yet like Mom, anyway, Frenchy said she would grow, and I thought that this was definitely true because in like 2 years she has growed enough for 6 or 7 years, probably by our wedding she will be a teenager and will want to go to the boarding school I get for her, because she will be all martiany and strange like you April, anyway, it is clear the apple felled not far from the tree and Frenchy is just like her mom, what's her name, Mrs. Frenchy, or whatever, you know, the selfish bitchy one who didn't like me and ran away with a man, that is something I could look forward to I guess, Frenchy running away with a man, anyway, I thought to myself that Anthony would be very lucky to get out of this sitchuation without having to tell about s-e-x, so we will see tomorrow how it all went, I have to go find Shiimsa and put the glasses and freckles on her, and practice fending off Anthony's advances some more, he is hard to convince, I keep saying, "Who do you think I am, some French whore?" but it hasn't worked yet.


  • At 12:26 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Oh yeah, as far as Anthony knows I am pure and untouched, that is what I told him, and anyperson who says different to him is gonna eat a knuckle samwitch.



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