April's Real Blog

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ooh, Burn!

Mike has more 2 say abt his recent book-signing at Lilliput's:

Formerly little sis. There are times in a Patterson’s life when you appreciate just how many friends and relatives you have. You realize how wonderful it is to be in a family whom everyone knows and adores and feels as though they are a part of (even though they aren’t). Then there are other times, when you wish your friends you haven’t seen in years would wear a nametag, so you would know who they are.

For example, our neighbour Anne Nichols was next in line at the book-signing at Lilliput’s after you and I almost said, “Who the heck are you?” This is because the last time any of us remember seeing Anne Nichols, she looked like this. And yet at the book-signing, for the very first time, she was sporting glasses, was a lot fatter, and her hair changed colour back and forth from light to dark brown. Fortunately, I heard my lovely Deanna behind her with my kids saying, “Robin. No. Just because she is our neighbour Anne Nichols, doesn’t mean you can put her skirt in your mouth.” Of course Anne wanted the book dedicated to someone else I had never heard of. She said, “Hi, could you sign this for my cousin Arli, please? She’s getting it for Christmas.” As the coffee counter behind me was going in full force, I replied, “Sure! Thanks for buying my book, Anne!” I signed the book, “To Arli. Your cousin Anne says someone is really giving it to you for Christmas. Love, Mike.”

The odd thing about this line at my table was that there were two of them. There was one to my right and one in front of me. Why there couldn’t be just one line I don’t know, but I knew I would not get any help from either mom or Moira Kinney, the store owner. They were busy standing across the room, drinking coffee, and talking about how wonderful mom was, as most people who share coffee with mom do. So, after signing a book for Anne from the line on my right, I had to sign a book for Jean Baker who was in the line in front of me.

Jean Baker I recognized from the years she had worked with dad. She said, “I’m so excited! I saw you on television! (She didn’t say if it was CBC or CHCH.) Could you sign this for Daniel? He’s an aspiring writer! Say something like, ‘Don’t give up!’” I took the book from her and said, “Good advice, Jean!” and wrote for her “To Daniel, Don’t give up, even though you will never write a book as good as this one! Love, Mike”. I think that got the idea across nicely, although I wonder who Daniel is. I thought Jean was married to Mark and had a daughter Brittanny. You never can tell with people who work in dentistry who they might be giving gifts to, if you know what I mean, formerly little sis.

Well, April, the highlight of the book-signing was having Josef Weeder come all the way from Toronto to see me, and he didn’t bring Carleen with him. Naturally I had to stand up to sign Weed’s book. He held it close to his body, so I had to lean into his strong and wiry frame just to sign. All of you were around me. You, and dad, and Gordon Mayes and mom were there as Weed and I stood together holding my book. I have often dreamed such a day would happen, where all of you would be standing around and looking proudly at me and Weed, I mean, at my signing Weed’s book. Gordon said, “Awesome turnout, man!” which is not really a Gordon kind of phrase, so I had to look at him carefully to make sure it was really he. Weed said, “Your book is selling well, Mike!” Of course, you might wonder how Weed would know such a thing as that, and the answer is that I told him. Reiner and Browne, my publisher, keeps me apprised of my sales figures.

Of course you were skeptical. After I signed Weed’s book standing up and leaning into him, Mom said she wanted me to do the same thing for her. She put her hand on my shoulder and beckoned me to lean into her body. Of course, you nearly ruined the moment by saying, “Yeah…What would we do without friends and relatives?!!” I know that is your way of saying my book wouldn’t be selling well without the help of my friends and relatives. This is probably true, but I narrowed my eyes at you anyway. I know dad bought several copies to give to underprivileged people with bad teeth. Gordon Mayes said he bought several copies in honour of my dad to donate to a new landfill project he is having built. Between those two, I am sure I became an instant best-seller.

It was a great day at that book-signing. I’m glad you were there to share in my success.

Michael Patterson
LOL, it was such fun getting in a dig @ Mike, even tho, as U can tell, the effects did not last. I heard sum of thoze coffee-drinking peeps telling Mom that they wish their sons were as "wonderful" as Mike, an' she told them 2 take heart, cuz Mike is, like, the best son EVAR, so of course all the other sons out there can only fall short.

Jeremy, thanx 4 yr help prepping 4 that quiz Mom plans 2 give me, on Mike's book.

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  • At 7:08 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    You're right about your little dose of reality not taking, kiddo. The not-so-bright around you will doubtless whine their irrational whines about your comments being meaningless because you haven't written a thick damned book.

  • At 10:34 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Oh catfish. My book, Stone Season is neither thick nor damned. Reiner and Browne, my publishers, assure me that the book is most definitely blessed. Reiner said to me, “Mike. I have never seen a book of this quality sell so many copies. It’s like a curse or something.” But Browne said, “Reiner. Any curse that makes us this much money is really a blessing. The book has obviously been blessed.” So, there you have it, Amazon catfish chappie. Straight from the publishers’ mouths -- Blessed. As for thickness, it’s not that big. Those J.K. Rowling books mom likes so much are a lot thicker than Stone Season.

    If your fear of reading my magnum opus is based upon your belief my book is thick and damned, then fear no longer. If you buy a book at my next book-signing, I will even put in a nice note for you, assuming of course they have book stores near the Amazon River.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, canadiens@maple leafs 2nite. i can’t w8 2c it w/u. oh, did ur mom say u passed that test or not? i’m just wonderin’ cuz she sed if u didn’t pass it, u were grounded, which wud kinda mess up canadiens@maple leafs & yeah, i got us tix, eh? my step-sis iz gonna drive us & we hafta c the game w/her & sum friend of hers frum skool @trinity. i hope thass not a prob. & i know we’re only gettin’ 2c the leafs cuz of friendz & relatives. ur hilarious. that wuz so funny wen u sed that 2 ur bro. aftah all that biz ‘bout mboro havin’ a mike patterson day w/a parade, sum1 needed 2 take him down. ur my hero. u can collect ur reward ne tyme u want.

  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Something interesting my wife, Beatrice Alfarero noticed at your brother’s book-signing was the number of persons asking for inscriptions for people other than themselves. Although I am not particularly fond of Anne Nichols’ cooking, I will say I enjoyed the obvious anagram from the name of her “cousin Arli.”

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i passed mom's quiz, so we get 2 go c the leafs 2nite. u r my hero 2!!!!

    howard, v. good pt abt annie nichols an' the anagrams 4 "cousin arli." my faves r "social ruin" and "ironical us." lolol!


  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your anagrams are more sophisticated than mine. I was going for "cousin Liar".

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:01 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, congrats 4 passin' the test. considerin' sum of the choices 4 answers, i wuzn't sure wut u were gonna do.

    my step-sis & her friend & i will be by 2 pick u up. she sez we can sit in the back & her friend will sit in the front w/her, which isn't rilly v. private, but it's better'n nothin'.

  • At 10:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, mats sundin scored 4 the leafs 2 tie the game in the 3rd. i thot we were gonna lose, but we hadda go 2 a shootout aftah no1 scored in the overtime, but the leafs lost the shootout. it wuz a gr8 game, evn tho there were a couple of thingz which didn’t go xxactly rite.

    i tell u i didn’t know that my step-sis’ friend frum trinity wuz gonna b zandra larson. there’s a lotta peeps @trinity & i hadda figger the chance of it b-ing zandra wuz pretty low. i know it wuz kinda awkward. i mean zandra musta sed, “ur w/jeremy?” like 5 or 6 tymez. i guess she musta figgered u & gerald were gonna b 2gethah 4evah, which iz kinda wut most peeps thot 4 a long tyme.

    plus i am not sure y zandra wud evn wanna go 2 a hockey game, cuz she seemed rilly outa place. i know my step-sis wuz there mainly 2 look @hockey players. she’s always kinda liked the muscular sorts of guys, but zandra seemed rilly distracted by sumthin’.

    then wen u told her u heard frum duncan anderson that perdita anderson wuz d8in’ zandra’z uncle arne, that laff she did wuz kinda…well, it wuz scary & it went on a lot longah than i thot it might. normally wen zandra laffs, it’s kinda depressin’, so scary wuz diff. i think i like depressin’ bettah.

    & i wanta let u know i am pretty sure i answered that question wrong wen u asked me wut i thot ‘bout the way zandra looked. i prolly shudn’t haven’t mentioned breasts @all. i shud’ve just stopped right aftah i sed the only thing whiter than the ice in the rink wuz her skin. u liked it wen i sed that. i shud’ve just stopped there. my bad. definitely. i hope ur still not mad @me. i’m sittin’ here in the back seat of my step-sis’ car w/u on the way home 2 mboro frum the game & i hope u’ll say sumthin’. i hope u know ur the girl i rilly like.

  • At 1:12 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I have found that after years of living in Milborough, there are certain things you can expect as a matter of course. First is that even though dad has been working as a dentist in this town for almost 30 years now, many people still walk around with huge gaps between their teeth. You would think they would seek out dad and get the type of quality dental care we got, where our teeth only show from our mouths on special occasions. Second is that there are quite a few women in Milborough with hairstyles so bad, one can only hope that they are wearing a wig. Third is that married men in Milborough don’t get any, and their wives are completely humourless about anything which might indicate they are going to get any.

    Case in point. I was at my book-signing at Lilliput’s, sitting at my signing table. Then, as things often happen in Milborough, everything went dark for no reason; but I could see the silhouette of someone approaching the table. She said, “Would you sign this for my husband? His name is Bill.” She leaned way over the table, and even in the dark I could tell she was a particularly porcine person. I said “Certainly,” all the while hoping she was going to hand me a book and not suggest I sign the body part which was swaying over the table. Fortunately she did hand over the book.

    Then the lights popped back up, but I was prepared for it, by using my usual trick of temporarily removing my eyes. When my eyes returned, I saw a no-necked, gap-toothed, large-nosed, glasses-wearing woman. I sincerely hoped she was wearing a wig, because her hairline went almost as far back as Gordon Mayes’. I said to her, “Is he getting it for Christmas?” I presume you are old enough to catch my little double-entendre; but this lady did not, at least not initially. She replied, “No. He’s getting it tonight.” This, of course, kept me from using my favourite method of signing books given at Christmas to husbands. “For…[name]…Merry Christmas. Here’s hoping your wife is wearing a Santa hat when you’re getting it during the holiday season.”

    So I said, “OK!” to her request and wrote an alternative, “For…Bill…Who’s getting it…tonight.” I wrote it with my usual air of sophistication, including my raised pinky finger. Then I handed it to her with my usual Patterson smirk which comes whenever I have written a great pun. But as I said before, Milborough wives are notoriously humourless when it comes to this subject, and she just gave me an eyeless, mouthless stare; which said to me, “You should be glad I do not have any eyes or a mouth, or you would die instantly from the withering glare I would be giving you.” Honestly I was fairly happy that she had managed to remove those gapped teeth from view, due to her anger. Most times I don’t like the look of an angry woman; but when there are gapped teeth involved, I will make an exception.

    As had happened a few times during the course of the evening, when I was signing books, the customer was less than satisfied with my little display of humour. I was forced to call mom’s (former) worker, Beatrix Potter, I mean Beatrice Alfalfa. Bea had long sense gotten tired of me saying “A, B, C?” to her, even after I explained it meant, “Hey, Bea! See?” So, I just said, “Uh…Bea? Could I get a fresh copy, please?

    A few minutes later I was signing, “For…Bill...As Harvey Rood loved Sheilagh Shaugnessey, may you love your wife, who gave you this book. Michael Patterson.” Then I pointed her over to my dad and said, “You really need to go and talk to my father. You have such a lovely smile, and my dad really loves smiles like yours.” She did, but dad was too horrified to give her his card. As I said, formerly little sis, in Milborough, there are certain things you can expect as a matter of course.

    Michael Patterson


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