Gamma Elly Babysits
Mom is over @ Mike an' Dee's [formerly our] house, babysitting Robin an' Merrie cuz Mike an' Dee hafta B away 4 the whole day. Dee just called me, sounding kinda xxasperated. She told me, "April! When yr mother kindly agreed to sit w/the kids 2day, she told me to have them over there @ yr house brite and early. So U shda seen me rushing around the house this morning 2 get them ready. Robin had crawled under the coffee table, and when I went 2 pull him out of there, he held on2 one leg of the table while shrieking and giggling. After Meredith had put on her jacket, she sat tugging @ one sock and asking me if her Grandma Elly wd B babysitting 2day, as if we had an audience that needed xxposition. I was struggling 2 get Robin in2 his jacket, anticip8ing a fite over his boots, and I told her 'Yes' and asked her 2 put on her boots. Merrie stepped in2 her boots and Robin was wiggling while yelling about going 2 'Gamma's house' as I tried 2 get his boots on and told him 2 hold still. Finally, I got the boots on his feet and as I was zipping up Robin's jacket, Merrie was playing with a doll. I told her 2 stop playing and do up her coat. Meredith started 2 do as I'd asked, and then shouted about her zipper being stuck, while Robin said, 'Whine!'"
I interrupted w/"He said 'whine'--but didn't actually whine?" She sed, "That's right. Weird, eh?" I was all, "Totally." Then Dee continued, "So Merrie was screaming as I pulled at her zipper and Robin dropped his pants and walked away while saying 'Gotta go baffroom!' Just then, the doorbell rang, and I suppose I had never noticed what a loud, big, red DING DONG!! that thing emits, b-cuz the sound of it made me go bug-eyed, as if I were going thru OxyContin w/drawal, not that I'd know 1st-hand what that feels like, and Robin started bawling. So I answered the door, and there was your mother, with one hand in her pants pocket and a sweater but no jacket, let alone boots. And I stared @ her w/my bug-eyed xxpression and Robin, who had removed his boots, pants, and underwear, started 2 take off his jacket. Meantime, yr mother chirped, 'I thot it mite B easier if I came here!'" She let out a small snort.
I sed, "I'm thinking this is a bit of a timing issue?" Dee was like, "Ya-ha! I really wish yr mother had had that 'thot' of hers in the 1st place." I sed, "I'll bet she figured this way was funnier." Dee sed, "That's awful!" And I sed, "Yeah."
Jeremy, I had so much fun w/U last nite, even tho the Leafs bit the dust. Sorry abt how much I kept going on and on abt the things U did that Ger never did, but they were all totally compliments 2 U. I never knew what it's like 2 treated so well! Even my thing abt calling us friends who d8, instead BF-GF. That's kinda b-cuz Ger an' I were BF-GF 4 all that long time, and he didn't treat me 1/2 as well as U do. I feel like we need sumthing else 2 call what we have!
NEway, I dunno what-all will happ 2morrow. If we R still on Lizzie's flashbacky stories, I don't wanna do it, but Mike sez he mite jump in just 2 show us all what "Sharon Park Drive's top author" can do w/the material.
Apes
I interrupted w/"He said 'whine'--but didn't actually whine?" She sed, "That's right. Weird, eh?" I was all, "Totally." Then Dee continued, "So Merrie was screaming as I pulled at her zipper and Robin dropped his pants and walked away while saying 'Gotta go baffroom!' Just then, the doorbell rang, and I suppose I had never noticed what a loud, big, red DING DONG!! that thing emits, b-cuz the sound of it made me go bug-eyed, as if I were going thru OxyContin w/drawal, not that I'd know 1st-hand what that feels like, and Robin started bawling. So I answered the door, and there was your mother, with one hand in her pants pocket and a sweater but no jacket, let alone boots. And I stared @ her w/my bug-eyed xxpression and Robin, who had removed his boots, pants, and underwear, started 2 take off his jacket. Meantime, yr mother chirped, 'I thot it mite B easier if I came here!'" She let out a small snort.
I sed, "I'm thinking this is a bit of a timing issue?" Dee was like, "Ya-ha! I really wish yr mother had had that 'thot' of hers in the 1st place." I sed, "I'll bet she figured this way was funnier." Dee sed, "That's awful!" And I sed, "Yeah."
Jeremy, I had so much fun w/U last nite, even tho the Leafs bit the dust. Sorry abt how much I kept going on and on abt the things U did that Ger never did, but they were all totally compliments 2 U. I never knew what it's like 2 treated so well! Even my thing abt calling us friends who d8, instead BF-GF. That's kinda b-cuz Ger an' I were BF-GF 4 all that long time, and he didn't treat me 1/2 as well as U do. I feel like we need sumthing else 2 call what we have!
NEway, I dunno what-all will happ 2morrow. If we R still on Lizzie's flashbacky stories, I don't wanna do it, but Mike sez he mite jump in just 2 show us all what "Sharon Park Drive's top author" can do w/the material.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:50 AM
6 Comments:
At 2:24 PM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Wow. Times have certainly changed, haven't they? Used to be that Elly only baby-sat in the direst of emergencies. Now, she volunteers. She even gives you time to your studies. Too bad it's for the wrong reasons. Not only has she chased off EEEEEEEEEvil Mira, you're being rewarded with free time for giving up the icky, non-Bobby-Curtola-singing band.
At 5:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, i try not 2 think 2 much abt my mom's motives, eh?
apes
At 6:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It may have seemed like my lovely Deanna was grateful to our mother, who puts the "grand" in grandmother to come all the way over to our house to baby-sit our kids; however, after an afternoon of baby-sitting, Deanna did get a list of things she had changed about the house of which mom did not approve. So, when you and Jeremy Jones come to baby-sit tomorrow night, he needs to refinish the kitchen cabinets in a colour more "rust" than "mahogany". I was afraid, mom would say she didn't like the new green chesterfield we used to replace the old striped-and-diamonded one she had left us in the living room, but as it turns out mom found that chesterfield to be quite comfortable and did not request we alter it. She did not like the pictures Deanna had mounted above the coat rack by the front door, although she did approve of the subject matter (her). She says she has better pictures of herself, we should use instead. She says she prefers pictures without dad in them these days, which I didn't quite understand. But now that I think about it, it has been awhile since I have seen dad. I presume he is all right. As for the new wallpaper, mom definitely did not like it, so please have Jeremy take it down.
In the meantime, my lovely Deanna is more motivated than ever for two things (1) you baby-sit our kids at our house instead of mom and (2) mom only baby-sits our kids at her house. We'll see you tomorrow night. By the way, I expect to get that script from the Lizardbreath today, so I will see if you are scheduled for more reminiscing about our early lives tomorrow. After all, I remember what happened in those days, so it might actually make more sense if I write about it, even though, for some strange reason, it doesn't make sense that the person telling these stories should know what they are talking about. Odd, eh?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, innerestin' ideas u had 'bout wut 2 call our relationship: milborough main man, fooby familiars, foobish flames, patterson pals, jones junkies, kept persons. it wuz kinda funny ur step-grandma sed ur grandpa jim thot gentleman caller or gentleman friend wuz wut he liked best. i coulda sweared he wuz snorin' wen she sed thass wut he thot. neway, i don't mind it. it soundz kinda old-fashioned & classy like. 'course callin' u a lady iz no prob @all 4 me, since i think ur 1. i don't wanna repeat this 2 often, but i can't b-lieve gerald nevah went w/u 2c ur grandparents aftah ur grandpa had his stroke. u were so nice 2 me aftah the visit, i cudn't b-lieve it. i think it wuz the 1st tyme i have evah been told i turned sum1 on by helpin' a grandma move a grandpa 'round their apartment. not that i'm complainin'. no. if thass wut happs aftah visiting grandparents, i think we shud go all the tyme.
this story 'bout ur sil & the kids iz kinda weird. i mean, duzn't ur sil hafta get merrie & robin dressed 4 skool & daycare every day, monday 2 friday? i wud kinda think she wud b better @it by now. i know u told me stories where she had this kinda prob w/the kids frum 2 years ago, but it duzn't make a lotta sense now. aftah all, wen we baby-sit them, u just tell ur niece 2 get n2 her pyjamaz & she duz it, & ur nephew duzn't need much help, xxcept 2 keep him frum puttin' thingz in his mouth. only 1 thing, y duz ur nephew think he hazta remove mosta his clothez 2 go 2 the bathroom? i don't get it. who teaches him thingz like that?
At 7:15 PM,
howard said…
April,
It is funny sometimes, how long it take a person to get out of the house. After all, if I were simply to run out of the house just the way I am, then my skin and my hair would not look just the way it should. And people will stare and wonder why I stop exfoliating. I am trying to impart this lesson to my daughters, and they seem to get it. I say to them, "Ana. Maria. This is Milborough. You cannot impress people simply based upon your abilities and your good nature. You cannot count on a timely divorce to solve your problems. You will be forever known as the South American girls and will be limited to South American-style businesses and employment; unless you do something to set yourselves apart." Then I point out that in Milborough, a girl who is well-dressed, well-spoken, and has a fashionable hair style will attract attention and prestige for no other reason than she is a rarity in the town.
Beatrice disapproves of course, and stresses that having your hair in anything but a bun in Milborough means that you are either a matronly ethnic or a Cajeta. However, I pointed out to Beatrice that fashion models in Milborough never have their hair in a bun. We disagree on this point, but I think my girls have gotten the idea. The downside is that it does take awhile for them to get ready for school. The upside is that little Paul Mayes seems to be interested in dating my daughter (when he gets old enough to date, somewhere around the age of 30), and he calls over to the house pretty regularly. I know you started dating when you were 11, but it seems a little young to me. For now, supervised visits seems to be as far as we are going to go.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 12:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I must say it was a great day to have a book-signing at mom’s old store, Lilliput’s. It was snowing and icy outside, but when doesn’t it do that in Milborough during the winter? Lake effects, I understand, but they couldn’t “effect” the mood in the store. I sat at my table with dozens of unsigned books and a pen ready to go at a moment’s notice. The room was filled with little Christmas doo-dads and leafy things hanging from the ceiling catching on people’s heads and garments, just like it was during mom’s days of running the store. Christmas decorations abounded. On a nearby shelf was a group of Styrofoam snowmen imitating a scene from some old movie involving top hats. Fred Astaire maybe? My whole family was there, except for Elizabeth of course. They were there to see the moment when you finally gave into your promise from last summer.
You said you wouldn’t read my book until it made the New York Times best-seller list, and I know you were surprised when it did. As you picked up your copy of Stone Season, mom was there with her camera to capture the moment. My kids were there looking on as Auntie April said, “Could you sign this book for me, please?” For the sake of your readers I will skip over the part where you first said, “All right. You’re a best seller. Now sign the book, so we can get this over with.” And I said, “Say ‘please’.” And then you stomped off and left the store for awhile before you finally came back with your collar on your coat turned up trying to look “cool.” But once you did come back and you said, “please”, it was my pleasure to say back to you, “It would be my pleasure. What would you like me to say?” I think my cordiality was throwing you off. Either that or the silhouette of dad openly carrying that flask. Frankly I found dad’s behaviour during the signing a little disconcerting myself, but that’s a story for another day.
However, dad or my cordiality did not throw you off for long. You threw your head back, rolled your eyes skyward, and said, “How about…to the most wonderful, beautiful, talented, fantastic, intelligent person I have ever…” Well right then I knew what you were up to. You were planning on giving a copy of my book back to me. It would be ironic to have my own book signed by me to me given as a gift. I think it was a clever idea, formerly little sis, but I really don’t need to have a copy signed by me to me. So, I interrupted you and said, “Right!...’To a cool sister…Love, Mike!”” You didn’t seem to like that dedication, but I can assure you that my daughter was excited that I called you “cool”. And that large lady with the polka-dotted shirt and the jacket, who covered her mouth with her deformed hand just at that moment, to try to keep from laughing at you in front of your face, did find it very amusing.
In the meantime, mom has a picture she has captioned, “The Martian admits defeat” she has placed in her scrapbook, which I expect we will reminisce over in about 30 years.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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